Chapter Text
Robin sometimes gets unbearably overwhelmed about how she isn’t normal - about how much she wishes she could be normal. It’s stupid because most people in her life would say her defining traits are how not normal she is. She’s loud and opinionated and she always overshared - it didn’t make any sense for her to care so much about being normal. She wouldn’t be able to define normal if you asked her but she knew that whatever it meant it wasn’t her. She was able to bury those feelings and thoughts for the most part but sometimes they bubbled up to the surface and spilled over and there was nothing she could do to stop it. Between her sexuality and confusion over life in general (and that’s not evening including the chaos of the upside down) her head felt like a constant mess.
If Robin could choose to be straight she’d probably choose it in a heartbeat. Sure the idea of being attracted to men weirded her out but if she could make her brain not weirded out by it then she’d be okay with it. She just didn’t love how terrifying it was to have to exist with fear of people finding out she was attracted to other females. Sure Steve knew, but he was too nice about it so every other person was going to be awful about it. That’s how Robin liked to think at least, because Steve was too good to be true so there was no chance anyone else would be okay. Expecting disappointment was easier.
Okay Robin wasn’t normally all doom and gloom but lately she’d been thinking about how she’d probably never find a partner for life and that was just depressing. It was even more depressing to think she’d never get to experience parenthood, marriage, sex, being a girlfriend, kissing someone on the lips or just simply holding someone’s hand in a romantic way. She was going to die alone and that sucked, like a ton.
She sometimes liked to let herself hope and indulge in fantasies about Vicky liking her back when they made eye contact or when Steve would hype her up and try to convince her that the girl she was crushing on was into her too. Those fantasies never lasted long and her hopelessness about her romantic future made her indifferent towards her future in general. What was a future knowing you’d never find your person.
Maybe it was dramatic of her because romance and love wasn’t all that there was to the world but Robin had always been someone that thrived when she was around others. When she was a little kid she felt the happiest when she would curl up in her mom’s arms as she read book after book to her. It was a confusing feeling when she felt her mom pull away from her as she got older. She can still remember whispered conversations her mom would have on the phone about how “she’s not like the other kids” and “gosh she’s just so difficult” and “I wish I wasn’t a mother”. It was just as crushing thinking back at those words as it was when she had first heard them. It was even more crushing knowing that her mom had liked her before but her just being herself changed that.
People were hard for her, she would get to know someone and it always seemed like they’d be good friends. Then Robin would open up a little and all her friendships ended because she was “too much”. It often felt like everyone in the world had a rule book that they followed. The book had all the rules on what to say during what situations and how to understand the people around them. She never got that rule book. She eventually substituted real life connections with characters in movies. If she dived deep enough, she could make it feel like the characters and their experiences were something she was involved in too. She’d let those stories and emotions envelop her and she would feel okay for once.
It all changed when she met Steve. By the time she was scooping ice cream she had mastered the mask of not caring and making it seem like she didn’t need anyone. It was easier that way. But Steve was just so insanely fun to be around, maybe it was because he was nothing like she’d expected. His friendship with a bunch of children always amused her and how the children treated him like something between a babysitter, mother, brother and friend. She slowly opened herself up and Steve would roll his eyes at her rambling and general hyper existence but it was fond. It was the kind of expression he normally reserved for his child friends and it made Robin’s heart all happy because she missed that kind of thing.
Then she was thrust into the world of Russians, monsters, and a child with super powers. Robin had a vivid imagination but nothing would have prepared her for the chaos of it all. She felt her heart shatter when Steve confessed his feelings for her. It felt like what she imagined preparing to break up with someone felt like. Maybe worse. But that dread eventually turned into unbelievable joy because of course Steve Harrington was the sweetest person she’d ever met.
She let her mind wander for a while but that familiar feeling of hopelessness for her future set in and this time it felt harder to shake. Maybe it was because for the first time in recent memory she felt like she belonged a bit and knowing that she got a little hope and happiness made getting any more seem extra unattainable. Or maybe it was because she knew that losing it all might be more than she could handle.
And okay she wasn’t being fully honest with herself, most of her anxieties and fears didn’t stem from her lack of a romantic future. Being surrounded by these amazing children (and Steve, Nancy, Jonathan and Eddie) put into perspective how she just existed - because sure everyone was a little and a lot broken but they all seemed to do more than just existing like Robin. She had no idea what she wanted to do with her life, she didn’t even matter to her own mom, and she felt like she was intruding on Steve and the gang because they all fit so well and sure sometimes she felt like she belonged but how long before they realized she was too awkward and different to be around. Having a crush on Nancy Wheeler didn’t make her feel any better about herself.
She was lying on the floor of Nancy’s room when she was knocked out of her thoughts
“Where’s your head at Robin?”
Robin shut her eyes tightly and swallowed, “Here, there, nowhere.”
Nancy looked at her with something she couldn’t decipher, “So what’s next for you, now that it looks like we might have finally defeated the last of the evil in Hawkins.”
Robin turned her head to the left to look at Nancy who was hanging up clothes in her closet.
“Like, what do I want to do tomorrow or?”
Nancy shrugged, “Today, tomorrow, in ten years.”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” Nancy sounded so confused and Robin guessed it made sense, Nancy was the kind of person with insane ambition and drive. It was probably unfathomable to hear someone so casually shrug about their future.
Robin hesitated for a second, “I just,” she paused trying to find the right way to put it, “it’s just been a really long time since I’ve thought about it.”
Nancy hung the last of her clothes and walked over to Robin and sat next to her on the floor, “By a long time do you mean since you got roped into this upside down mess or before that.”
“I don’t know,” was all she could say again and there was more bite behind those words than she intended. Then Nancy was looking at her so intently so she allowed some truth to bleed into her words, “I’ve never really known what I wanted with my life so I don’t really like thinking about it.” She knew she sounded frustrated and hoped Nancy wouldn’t read too much into it.
Nancy frowned, “It’s okay to not know but you seem a little about it.” She was too observant for her own good.
Robin ran her hands over the soft carpet of Nancy’s floor, her eyes firmly planted on the ceiling.
“I guess I’ve been living my entire life just existing you know? Nothing more,” she sighed, “nothing less and I don’t know how to -” She wanted to say more but her words caught up to her head and she fell silent. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to talk about this,” she put on a smile and pushed herself off the ground, “want to go bother Steve?”
She could tell that Nancy really wanted to talk about whatever that conversation was but Robin appreciated her not saying anything.
They went to Steve’s armed with movies and popcorn. Nancy was extra quiet and Robin tried not to let it bother her as she launched popcorn towards Steve’s mouth and let out a laugh when one hit him in the eye.
“Your aim is garbage Robin,” he grumbled, chewing on the popcorn that had fallen onto his lap.
“You’re just absolute shit at catching the popcorn with your mouth, aren’t you supposed to have good reflexes being an athlete and all that,” she said with a tiny grin, shifting her attention to the movie.
“Reflexes from basketball don’t transfer to catching popcorn with my mouth,” Steve rolled his eyes.
Robin turned to look at him, “Ah! So you admit that you suck.”
“You’re impossible Robin.”
They both looked at Nancy for backup who just said “You both suck.”
“Alright Nance that’s just rude, you can’t put me on even ground with Robin,” and Robin should have felt the tiniest bit offended that he sounded so passionate saying that, “I might suck but she’s like ten times worse,” he paused, “at minimum.”
Robin threw a handful of popcorn into his hair and ignored his yells about how the salt and butter were awful for it.
They both turned back to the movie and Robin pretended to pay attention because she had no idea what was happening and she tried to subtly glance at Nancy who was still being really quiet.
Steve must have noticed it too because when the movie ended he got up from the couch and said, “You alright Nance?” He ran his hand through his hair and winced slightly when he probably realized that he was getting more salt and butter in his hair, “You’ve been kind of quiet.”
Nancy gave a tight smile, “Just paying attention to the movie like a normal person.” She really sucked at fake smiles. Robin couldn’t help the tiny surge of fondness at how Nancy was so easy to read for her, when everyone else was so much harder.
Robin and Nancy said their goodbyes to Steve and made their way to Nancy’s car. They drove in silence away from Steve’s house and Robin couldn’t tell if it was a comfortable silence or not.
“Are you happy Robin?”
Robin let out a small surprised laugh, “You sure know how to ask the easy questions Nancy.”
“You just,” Nancy’s grip on the steering wheel tightened, “I asked you about your future and you seemed so uncomfortable. It wasn’t an uncomfortable where you just didn’t know what your future is going to look like but,” she let out a sigh, “it felt a lot heavier than that.”
“All this mystery upside down shit and working on the newspaper has you way too good at reading people,” Robin said, answering the question without answering the question because Nancy sounded serious and Robin didn’t love the serious energy between them.
“You never directly answer the serious questions.”
Okay yeah, Nancy was way too good at reading her, it was simultaneously terrifying but comforting.
“I don’t know what you want to hear from me Nance.”
Nancy threw one hand in the air in annoyance, “I just want to know how you’re doing, that’s all I want from you.”
The words were out of her mouth before she could stop them, “Why do you care so much?” It was a question of genuine curiosity because yeah sure her and Nancy had become closer after the Vecna situation but why did Nancy care so much about her not caring about the future.
Nancy didn’t say anything and they drove in silence for a few more minutes before she pulled into an empty parking lot and turned off the car.
“You’re my friend and I care about your happiness Robin, and you’ve seemed a little off lately and,” she paused, “I just really care about you.”
Robin watched as Nancy’s lips turned upward into the smallest smile, “You just appeared into my life out of nowhere and I don’t know,” she said, “you barely knew me but you cared so much about if I was happy with Jonathan and how I’m doing in general but you never really talk about yourself you know? I just want to make sure you’re happy.”
“Don’t worry about me. Vecna’s out of our lives now so what’s not to be happy about.”
Robin felt her face involuntarily scrunch up at how unconvincing she sounded. Nancy gave her a look and yeah of course she saw right through her.
“Robin, for the first time in years we’re not fighting monsters and dealing with supernatural powers. If something’s wrong in the normal world, I can help and I want to help.” Robin felt a sudden urge to cry because Nancy Wheeler was looking at her and talking to her like she was important to her and Robin had never felt that directed towards her before. Nancy continued, “I can’t control monsters and my friends getting hurt because of them, but maybe I can help with whatever’s been bothering you lately.”
Robin sighed and leaned her head against the headrest of the car, tilting her head to look up at the roof of the car, “It sounds dumb but I think physical monsters from the upside down are easier to deal with than my thoughts,” she let out a laugh, “gosh I sound so dramatic and ridiculous, this isn’t normally my style.”
Robin wanted to say more, she really did because Nancy was the first person in ages who seemed to care about what she had to say. Robin wanted to say something because her thoughts had never been so loud and painfully consuming. Robin wanted to say something because Nancy was looking at her with those big inviting eyes and she wanted to curl up in that warmth. Instead she shook her head and said, “I’m sorry, I don’t want to bother you.“
Nancy leaned over and put her hand on her upper arm and squeezed it lightly and left her hand there, “I asked Robin.”
“I know you asked,” she shut her eyes and let out a frustrated groan, “but I’ll spill my guts to you and you’ll either,” she lifted one figure up , “be annoyed,” she lifted a second, “think I’m dumb,” she lifted a third, “stop being my friend and never talk to me again and that would suck big time.” The words kept tumbling out of her mouth, “I don’t want to be too much for you because I know that I’m a lot for a lot of people and I don’t want to be too much for you especially. Am I making sense?”
“Are you secretly a serial killer or something?”
“What!? Of course not.”
“Then you don’t have to worry about anything like that and even if you were a serial killer,” Nancy smiled, “you’d probably have a good reason so I’d help you hide the bodies.”
Robin gave a genuine smile at that, “You’re like my favorite person you know that?”
“You’re like my favorite person too,” and Robin tried not to think too much about the hand that remained on her arm.
“I’m not,” she fiddled with the rings on her fingers, “I’m not up for like spilling my guts or whatever today and I know I normally never stop talking about random things but talking about serious stuff is a lot harder for me but maybe we can do the serious thing some other time?” Those words left her mouth really fast (even for her) as if saying it faster would make her basically admitting she wasn’t doing the best less real.
“Of course,” and Nancy was squeezing her arm again and Robin couldn’t help but feel like she was one of the luckiest people in the world to have someone like Nancy Wheeler in her life.
Nancy started the car up again and drove to Robin’s house. Robin’s mom’s car was in the driveway and Robin felt her heart stop a little because her mom wasn’t supposed to be here tonight. Robin’s mom was a nurse and she’d work night shifts Saturday and Sunday. She would spend the day at home and Robin would spend her day elsewhere and come back home after 7pm. It was a great schedule because it meant they would never cross paths. The weekdays were easier, especially during the school year, because Robin would only be home early in the morning and late at night so she’d only have the most brief interactions with her mom.
“Thanks for the ride, Nance,” she said as she got out of the car.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Nancy said and Robin closed the door and walked to the front door of her house. She pulled a key out of her pocket and hesitated when her hand got near the door knob. She turned around to look at Nancy who was looking at her through the windshield. Robin really didn’t want to go home. Going home meant interacting with her mom and interacting with her mom always ended in some sort of disaster. She wasn’t looking forward to that happening.
She softly placed her forehead on the door and took a deep breath. Robin wasn’t exaggerating when she told Nancy that the upside down monster stuff was easier to deal with. It was just easier when the problems weren’t her own and weren’t her fault. She felt pathetic, she’d spit in the face of Russians that wanted to torture her and walked into the evil layer of Venca and set him on fire but she was too scared to interact with her mom. The door was cool against her head and Robin felt like it would be a good idea to just stand there forever.
Robin felt a warm hand on her shoulder, “Robin?”
She closed her eyes and didn’t lift her head from the door, “Can I crash at your place tonight?”
“Yeah of course, but is everything okay?” and the warm hand that was on her shoulder wrapped fully around her and she leaned into Nancy. Robin felt small. She’d spent so many years pretending she didn’t care about anything or pretending she was too cool for people and emotions but pretending was so much more difficult around Nancy.
“I don’t know,” she wasn’t okay in the slightest, but she hated the idea of actually admitting it out loud and Robin knew that Nancy knew she was lying but she still didn’t want to say it out loud.
“I don’t believe you, but come on, you’re always welcome at my house,” and Nancy kept her arm around Robin’s shoulder and guided her back to the car.
They drove to Nancy’s house in silence and Robin distracted herself by quietly tapping her fingers on her thighs to the beat of some song she heard on the radio yesterday.
Robin was greeted by a warm hug when she stepped into the Wheeler’s home.
“Hey Robin,” Mrs. Wheeler said warmly, “it’s great to see you.”
Nancy gripped Robin’s shoulder and led her to the stairs, “Robin’s going to stay for the night,”
“Well Mike is staying at Will’s with the rest of the boys tonight and Holly’s already in bed so the house will be peaceful for you.”
Robin thanked her for letting her stay and Nancy pulled her up to her room. Robin loved Nancy’s room. It was a nice window to the person Nancy was when she wasn’t a badass wielding a gun and tracking down the mysteries of Hawkins.
She sat at the edge of Nancy’s bed and watched as her friend went through the motions of removing her jewelry and pulling her hair up into a messy bun. Robin kind of felt like she was floating or in a dream because sure she’d been “officially” friends with Nancy for a little while but it was still surreal to be sitting in her room just because Robin didn’t want to go home. It was weird (in a good way) to have another place in the world where she could exist.
“Before you even say anything, you’re sleeping in my bed,” Nancy said casually and Robin didn’t have a reply to that because there was no arguing against Nancy, especially when she was this mentally exhausted.
She just gave a tired smile, “You win this time Wheeler,” and rearranged herself so she was under the cover with her head on a pillow. She shut her eyes and tried not to react when Nancy turned the lights off and laid down beside her.
Nancy stayed silent and Robin knew she was probably arguing with herself on if she should ask Robin what was up or stay silent so she figured she’d make the decision for her. “My head’s always been messy. I think it’s just because that’s how my brain is but also because I keep to myself most of the time,” she paused to gather her thoughts, “I’m obviously not a quiet person,” she let out a small laugh, “but I keep the serious thoughts to myself you know?”
She opened her eyes and turned to look at Nancy who was looking at her with those big eyes filled with sincerity.
“I’ve only ever really had acquaintances growing up and my dad’s not in the picture and I have a pretty shit relationship with my mom,” she sighed, “so I got super used to not caring much about, well, much and that includes my future and stuff.”
She quickly continued before she lost the nerve to share, “Then I met Steve and the gang and you all became an unexpected part of my equation and for the first time in my life I kind of care about my life and it’s really overwhelming and I know that’s like super dumb.”
That was as far as she was willing to go. She couldn’t talk about the anxieties over her sexuality and the growing crush on the girl beside her. That wasn’t a conversation she could handle tonight.
Nancy reached for her hand tucked under the pillow and just held it for a few seconds before saying, “The way you feel is never dumb.”
Pretty girls made her nervous, girls she had a crush on made her nervous, and Nancy Wheeler holding her hand made her feel like she was going to combust. “So like if I felt like snakes made better pets than dogs and cats would you say that’s not dumb because that would be really dumb. You can’t cuddle a snake or take it on walks,” she paused for half a second and said, “well maybe you could take a snake on a walk but I feel like it would just slither away and you also have to feed it like rats and stuff right which is kind of gross? Or do you have to feed it mice, what’s the difference between a mouse and rat anyways,” and okay Robin was rambling because Nancy made her nervous and she like partially spilled her guts to her and she never really does that. Maybe talking about snakes as pets would distract Nancy from what Robin had said.
The grip on her hand tightened and Nancy’s features softened, “I know you’re probably rambling because you’re nervous but I’ve really missed you talking about random things like that.”
Nancy missed her rambling? Nobody’s ever said that before.. She swallowed down the lump that had formed in her throat, it was going to hurt so much when Nancy would inevitably not want to be around her anymore.
“Growing up and thinking about the future is hard for everyone, but there’s a whole new side when you factor in facing and fighting monsters before you’ve even graduated high school,” she felt her heart skip a beat as Nancy fiddled with Robin’s fingers, “it’s harder to put into perspective what matters and what doesn’t now.”
That wasn’t exactly the source of Robin’s worries, but she appreciated the way Nancy tried to rationalize and find reason behind her feelings, but Nancy continued talking and Robin couldn’t help but admire the way Nancy understood her so well even when Robin wasn’t willing to share much, “I was thinking about what you said earlier, about not knowing about your future and how you feel like you’ve just been existing,” Nancy shifted a little so she was closer to Robin and Robin couldn’t take her eyes off of her, “sometimes it’s okay to not know your place in the world and just exist and float around until you find yourself, having zero answers is okay.”
Robin closed her eyes, not wanting to look at Nancy when she softly said, “What if I don’t have a place in the world.”
She kept her eyes closed, because she felt so incredibly vulnerable. Her heart felt a little too open all day, but it kind of felt like someone was holding it wide open right now and she wasn’t used to the feeling. She felt so stupid talking to Nancy about this because what was she doing talking about herself when Nancy had it so much harder for the past few years.
“Robin…”
She didn’t know what Nancy would say, or even if she would say anything but she wasn’t expecting the way Nancy whispered her name so delicately as if she was something that would break. She didn’t expect her name to be whispered so sadly as if Nancy could feel all the pain that Robin was feeling. She didn’t expect the way that Nancy pulled her to her and tucked her head under Nancy’s chin and held her tightly as if never wanting Robin to leave her side.
“I’m sorry, I’m being dumb,” she said quietly as she pulled herself away from Nancy, because if Nancy continued to hold her like that she’d start crying and that was too much for her today, “I’m okay, I’ll be okay.”
She tried to ignore the way Nancy’s eyes were shining with tears, she wasn’t used to someone getting sad on her behalf, “It sounds so cheesy but it’s okay to not be okay Robin and for what it’s worth,” she paused and gave Robin the tiniest of smiles, “you have a really important place in my world.”
Oh.
Nancy had to stop saying stuff like that, because Robin could feel the way her heart drew itself towards Nancy. Towards something she wanted so badly but could never have.
She blinked when Nancy brushed away tears from her cheeks that she hadn’t even realized had fallen. Robin took a deep breath to ground herself and tried not to be swallowed by all the feelings swirling inside her. She placed one hand over Nancy’s and held onto it and let herself live in this moment that hadn’t stopped feeling like a dream and drifted off to sleep.