Chapter Text
October 24, 1 am
“Now,” He says softly (after you’ve decided you don’t want to do anything else but exist within the circle of his arms for the rest of the night). “We should get back to work.”
He won’t meet your gaze when you pull back to look up him, which means he can’t read the extreme disappointment written in your eyes.
“Do we have to?”
“I believe it would be best,” Is his inexorable reply, yet he has the gall to stroke your arms.
He also hasn’t released you, so it sounds like he’s trying to convince himself to let you go.
You scrub the nape of his gently with your fingers. It has the desired effect of making his eyelid flutter.
“You aren’t making this easy.”
“I’m not trying to.”
He grabs your wrists, but doesn’t try to remove your hands from his neck. “I’m sorry it has to be this way.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
“I’m afraid it does. It’s been a long night and I am… I am not fully myself.”
This declaration is followed by a sigh as he tugs your hands to his chest and holds them there.
“And Sevika rarely texts before coming home so I wouldn’t wish… that is, it would simply be wiser that we keep things… uncomplicated between us tonight.”
Uncomplicated?
If this is uncomplicated, then what's complicated?
You dip your head in an awkward nod if only to hide your confusion.
“Right.”
“I usually require her to give me a detailed report, so I should be prepared. There are a few pieces of paperwork I will probably need to get in order to expedite that process...”
“Okay.”
“There are also security feeds to run through in my office. I need to know how Viyana slipped past my men. If it was dereliction of duty, or something of greater concern…”
So work will win out, even on his birthday.
You don’t know why you’d expect anything else from a man like Silco.
Always duty first, and in complete control...
Disappointed doesn’t even begin to cover how you’re feeling, but you don’t even have time to resist when he kisses your forehead once more and puts distance between the two of you by striding around to the other side of the island.
You turn reluctantly back to the sink.
If there’s one thing that’s always impressed you about Silco, it’s his ability to immerse himself in his work, regardless of what’s happened, or what might be happening in the room. Tonight, his iron-will simply frustrates you.
You’d love for him to be as distracted by you as you are by him. That instead of keeping you at a distance, he’d let himself be held and touched and carried away.
Just this once, you wish he’d let himself be weak.
You look over your shoulder occasionally as you wash your way through the dishes. He’s always absorbed in whatever he’s doing, with eyes for nothing but the screen. Eventually you grow too warm for the sweatshirt, and shed it in favor of the baggy tee. You also get annoyed with the braid, and un-plait it so you can throw it up into a messy bun.
“May I ask why you choose that shirt?”
You glance up from the dishes in surprise, but he isn’t looking at you.
“I like this band,” You reply.
He nods.
When he doesn’t go on, you prompt. “Why do you ask?”
“It belonged to Vander.”
“Oh.”
You feel strange, wearing the shirt of a man you know has been gone for so long.
“You remind me of him,” He continues quietly. “Very level headed, confident, compassionate. He never asked to lead, but people listened to him and would follow him anywhere. I never understood it when I was a boy. To me he was just a fool who didn’t have what it takes to make hard decisions. But I believe I’m finally beginning to understand.”
“Understand what?”
“That I was the fool, and still am.”
“You’re not a fool.”
He shakes his head slightly. “What was it you said to me, about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results?”
“I didn’t mean that…”
“No, but you were right. I was a fool for thinking that I’m a different man than I was at twenty five. I’m a fool because I failed to understand why Vander shifted his perspective from the mission to the people. I thought he was losing his vision, when in fact he was wise. Every day I spend building up Zaun, I claim it is for the betterment of the city while in reality it is all for Jinx. To give her safety and stability, which is something she was not afforded as a child.”
“I think that’s wonderful.”
“Yes. And I’m a fool for not realizing earlier that I do all these things for love.”
“Well... we’re all fools in love.”
“So it would seem,” He looks up at last, but it’s only to stare at the drying dishes in deep contemplation. “Yet while it may be unstable and dangerous, it is what ultimately drives lasting change. That is what Vander was trying to show me. It is what you have shown me. And as difficult as it is for me to accept, fighting against it will only cause deepening vexation.”
“So what you’re saying is I… vex you?”
The tiniest hint of a smirk tilts the corner of his mouth.
He finally fixes his eyes on you. “You rather do, yes.”
“Hmm. How vexing would you consider me on a scale of one to ten? Ten being the most vexatious you can imagine.”
“At the moment, only about a 5.”
“A 5?” You scoff, “I feel insulted.”
“I said at the moment. Keep in mind that I am rating you on this scale against yourself.”
You laugh as you lean on your side of the island. “So when have I been the most vexing? When we argued at the shop?”
He leans back and crosses his arms. “I would certainly consider that an excellent contender, though it ranks only about an 8.”
“So what version of me ranks as a 10?”
“The one who argued with me at the Fissures. But only because you were looking rather like a siren in that dress, and I wasn’t yet allowed to touch you. As I wished.”
Your heart flutters at his unwavering gaze.
“Well you were the one who picked it, so you only have yourself to blame.”
“Indeed. And I cursed my good taste till the very end. I had to work hard to prevent myself from watching you the entire evening. Or indulge in my desire to… to kiss you.”
His eyes slide away from yours.
“Even after we argued?” You ask with a quickening heart.
He nods. “Especially then. Which is why I was so very angry.”
You bask in this fact for a moment.
“I thought you hated me.”
“I tried to, but it was that evening I realized I could never hate you.”
You stare at him, sitting so still and so vulnerable, and you’re overcome by the desire to kiss him. And instead of restraining yourself (as you’ve done so many times before), you decide to indulge the urge.
You walk slowly around the counter, and he watches your approach passively. Once you reach his chair you lean forward on tip-toe, and while he doesn’t help close the gap, he doesn’t pull away as you press several feather light kisses on his lips.
He breathes out a heavy sigh through his nose as his good eye closes, but beyond that he keeps his body completely still.
This man is impossible.
You fall back onto your heels as he turns his head, his angry orange eye frowning over your shoulder at some invisible conundrum. The black tendril on his neck pops more visibly from beneath his shirt.
“You have a tattoo,” You say stupidly.
He nods.
“Can I see it?”
He opens his eye to shoot you a sideways glance. You raise your eyebrows with an innocent smile. He hesitates for several long seconds, but eventually he gets to his feet. After another moment of casting his eyes around your face, he turns around without a word and tugs his shirt up and over his head.
Now you’re a bit hot, and a lot overwhelmed because Silco’s standing half naked in front of you.
And it’s absurd how much you enjoyed watching him do that.
You clear your throat, your breathing a bit unsteady and shallow as your eyes take in the expanse of his back.
Pull yourself together girl, it’s just a body.
But it’s his body, so it takes several moments of forcing yourself to breathe normally to actually process the image splashed across his well carved right shoulder blade.
The tattoo is the hyper-realistic head of a wolf baring its fangs in shades of black and gray. The fur of its neck blends into a crumbling city at the top, which then melts into fog as it curves over his shoulder and onto his neck. “ Hounds of the Underground” is written in a scrolling, gothic script on a banner beneath the wolf head, also wreathed in fog.
“It’s beautiful,” You murmur.
His muscles stiffen as you trace the fog, and you can hear him release another deep breath as your fingers pause on two thin white lines along his scapula.
“You have more scars,” You say in dismay.
He nods tersely.
There are more on his rib cage, and you follow them around till you’re staring critically at his bare chest. There are so many scattered across his lean frame it almost boggles the imagination.
So many memories from another life.
“How did you get this one?” You ask, lightly touching a small, ragged scar near his kidney.
“An assassin, in Ionia.”
“And these…”
You indicate a smattering of small, knotted spots along his right bicep.
“Winged by a shotgun.”
“You must have a lot of stories.”
“More than I care to recall.”
You swallow hard to push back the rising emotion. “I’m sorry for that. Like I’m sorry for these.”
He sucks in a harsh breath as you trace the white pock marks on his arm with your fingers.
“And these.”
He flinches away before you can caress the ones on his face.
“Don’t."
His voice is cutting.
Adrenaline floods your entire body, thundering into your chest.
He looks stricken as you recoil, and reaches out for you.
“It’s not that I don’t wish you to."
You nod a little too emphatically.
"I… It’s as I said. Sevika will be home soon and I am… unsettled. As I often am, by memories.”
"Okay," You manage before your throat completely closes.
You punctuate the one word sentence with a weak smile.
He looks agitated, and you can feel your face growing hotter as tears blur your vision. You blink and try to cover your embarrassment by retreating back to the sink.
“Please try to understand.”
“I do,” You manage in short, strained whisper.
You grab a towel and a bowl at random because you need something to do.
He isn’t rejecting you.
A treacherous tear starts to fall.
He isn't rejecting you.
You bite your lip as it starts to quiver.
You can feel Silco’s stare searing the back of your neck. You try to stifle a sob, but aren’t clever or quick enough to mask it.
He swears under his breath, “I need some air.”
You nod vigorously, and clench your eyes shut at the sound of the back door being wrenched open violently, then flung closed.
You collapse against the sink and let the tears unleash in a torrent.
You regret the tears long before they've finished falling. You don't know why it hit you so hard, but now all you can do it wait and hope you have the opportunity to redeem yourself.
But he’s gone for a very long time.
It doesn’t take a genius to realize he’s taking his time on purpose, but it feels wrong to go to bed now, especially after the night you’ve been through together. He’s clearly struggling - with what you can't even begin to imagine - but it feels like a betrayal to leave him alone with his dark thoughts.
You aren’t sure what you can even do to help, but you’ll be damned if you don’t at least try.
You dry the dishes and take your time putting them away. After another twenty minutes you have nothing left to do except wipe down the counters and sit at the island to wait. You’re beginning to despair that he’ll come back inside when you hear a car door shut.
Sevika’s home, You think miserably.
Now you definitely won’t be able to be alone with Silco until the morning, and maybe not even then.
Several more minutes pass, and no one comes inside. You slide off the chair and hug your torso as you shuffle towards the back door. The sound of muffled conversation grows as you get closer, and you realize as you approach the door that it isn’t completely shut.
Must have bounced open when he tried to slam it closed.
“...inged is looking into it,” Sevika’s deep voice can barely be heard. “...sending an anonymous…”
You can’t help yourself. You press closer to the door and peek out the curtains with caution. You can see the two shadowed forms of Silco and Sevika in the filtered moonlight. Silco is still shirtless, and Sevika’s still wearing the fancy suit she had on at the party.
Both of their dark figures look weighed down by cares.
“Very well," Is Silco's tired answer. "I still have to look over the security tapes, but –”
“Wait, you mean you haven’t seen ‘em yet? What the hell have you been doing all night?”
“I've been otherwise engaged.”
"With wha -? Oh, hold up. Just hold the fuck up. Are you telling me you and your sugar baby finally –”
“No!” Silco hisses.
Your heart thunders as you press your ear closer to the door to hear what he says next.
“We weren’t doing anything.”
“You weren’t doing anything? Then where the hell is your shirt?”
“It... She asked to see the tattoo.”
“So you just thought, ‘I’ll take the whole damn thing off', like you're some kind of Chippendale?”
“It wasn't like that.”
She barks a laugh. “I'll bet it wasn't."
"Sevika, I swear to you..."
"Relax Spiask. I can already tell the two of you didn't do anything. You're way too damn tense. But you must have done your girl real dirty. Probably got her all hot and bothered till she looked red as a damn stop light.”
She's right, and you do it again as you remember how much you liked looking at his bare back.
You get lost in your day dream just long enough not to catch what Silco mutters in reply.
“Holy hell. You mean she started to cry and you just left her there? That’s real cold man. And I know cold.”
“I didn't know what else to do.”
“Like hell. I wish you could see your face right now. You want her so bad you look stupid.”
Your entire body flushes as you watch Silco push his hands through his hair and pace away.
“You're right," He says forcefully. "I do want her. I want her more than anything I’ve wanted before. I could have let the darkness consume me, released all my rage, and she would have come back for more.”
The flush turns cold and tingles across your skin at the heat and longing in his voice.
He wanted you. He wants you. Just like you want him.
You strain to hear him as he starts again, more quietly.
“But you know what I’m like when I lose control, Sevika, and tonight I am on a knife’s edge. I told her about Jinx’s past. And mine.”
“Shit. I’m sorry.”
When the silence stretches you peak outside. Sevika has her hand on Silco’s shoulder, and it strikes you as such a comfortable, familiar gesture that your eyes start to prickle again.
He speaks the next words so quietly you can hardly hear him.
“Beyond my daughter, she is the only good and lovely thing in my life. She is a soul, not just a body. I will not force my way into one only to lose the other, and I would not drive away the light in her eyes till she’s nothing but a shell.”
“You’re a good man, Spisak.”
He chuckles darkly. “We both know that’s not true.”
“Well she seems to think you are. Maybe that’s enough.”
“I don’t know what I did to deserve her.”
“Yeah. She’s the nicest piece of ass you’ve ever grabbed.”
“Or will grab, when the time is right.”
"I never realized you were such a romantic."
He shakes his head. “Sometimes I feel frightened when I hold her. There's some part of me that believes that the moment I let her go, she'll disappear."
"So why don't you seal the deal and marry her already?"
Your heart zings, then settles into a yearning ache.
"It's been less than a month."
"So?"
"So there are protocols to these kinds of things. Besides, the board wouldn't approve..."
"Fuck the board."
Yeah, Eff those guys. Thank you Sevika!
You bite your lip.
"... also her mother might have a few opinions to share on the topic."
Right, mom.
Sevika snorts. "Don't lie to yourself Spisak, this has nothing to do with Leslie. Admit it. That girl in there scares you out of your damn mind."
Another heavy sigh, another agitated brush of his fingers through his hair.
"I don't understand," He says in an unsteady voice. "I have never felt this... overwhelmed, by a woman before."
"Love, Spisak. It's called being in love."
"I suppose it is."
Your mouth goes dry.
Did he just admit to being in love with you?
"You know, I haven’t been with a woman since before Afghanistan.”
“Don’t worry old man, it’ll all come back to you when you need it. Probably once you’re scratching up her back and she’s screaming your name, ‘Oh Jason, ooh Jason!’”
You can't listen to any more.
Your mind is ablaze as you flee, full of horror and a desire so strong you're quite sure you're going to burn long before you reach the bedroom.