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“Until the stars burn out, and all worlds end, until the planets collide, and the suns wither, until the moon’s light dies, and the rivers and seas run out, until I grow so old that my memories fade away, and my tongue cannot say your name, until my heart beats for the last time, only then will I maybe stop, maybe.”
―
Ahmed Khaled Tawfik
“Why can’t I find him?” with a soft and sad look on his face, he turned to Han Sooyoung. And Han Sooyoung can only take pity on him. Just like always. Because other than that, she couldn’t do anything either.
She couldn’t answer him.
For a man who declared he hated the stars, Yoo Joonghyuk kept looking at them. He stays up and some nights, he’d look at the skies full of stars and couldn’t tear away his eyes from them, hoping he’ll find what he’s looking for.
It was a certain star that for some reason, would always bring him comfort and assurance that he’s there. So there’s no need to worry; because he will always be there.
He hated the stars for it reminded him of the damn constellations that played them ruthlessly. The stars that thought of them as their entertainment while those people that they saw as entertainment died, fighting for their lives not to get killed.
Those times were horrid, but that one star.
That one star that reassured that he isn’t like any of those constellations. That one star that offered him help. That one star that he grew to like, that he grew to find assurances, comfort, and everything. He relied on that star.
Looking at the stars became at least tolerable because that star is there—shining brighter than the other ones.
That became his faith.
And now, Yoo Joonghyuk cannot find that star. He knows that star so well that he knows where it's always positioned. But when he looks at the place where that star would shine—it wasn't there.
That wasn't his star. There wasn’t even any star in that empty spot.
“He isn’t—” the words die in her throat, unable to say it properly. But the words, ‘there anymore’ was left unsaid in her mind.
But Yoo Joonghyuk insists. He’s there. He’s still there. He’s always there. Maybe it’s the clouds, maybe it’s his eyes—that he couldn’t properly see it—but he too, knows it’s not.
“I just...want to see him.”
“I just want him back.”
Yoo Joonghyuk walks away, not meeting her eyes. Han Sooyoung was left there standing, watching Yoo Joonghyuk’s back disappear in the darkness. She looked at the empty spot in the sky that Yoo Joonghyuk would always look at.
Why?
All she asks. And in her head, those words were full of emotions. Anger, betrayal, hurt.
She turns away with a hurt look on her face, biting her lips in order to show her frustrations that she couldn't let out.
——— ｡:*✧˚: ｡ ———
That night, Yoo Joonghyuk dreamt.
He was there. The train where the first scenario happened. He stood in the middle of it, wearing his signature black outfit and sword as if he’s back to clear the scenarios once again. But it was different. Everything, even the train—looked so different. It looked so old and dirty as if it had been left for hundreds and thousands of years.
The smell of rusting metal, the mosses that’s covering the majority of the train, the grasses, and pieces of papers as if ripped apart and just tossed around. For some reason, the train didn’t really look that bad. Just a bit of cleaning and painting, it would be good as new again.
He shook his head, an attempt to remove unimportant thoughts. He looked around and saw the number ‘3707’ written in italic just above the door; it’s the same cabin where he would always start with.
And he remembered what cabin Kim Dokja was in.
‘3807’
If he goes there, will he be able to see him again?
Who knows? Maybe not, maybe he will.
What if he doesn’t see him there? What is he going to do?
His lips shut tight, and stare what’s beyond the cabin door he’s in.
He walked slowly. Opening the doors, travelling through the cabins.
And he finally arrives in front of the cabin that Kim Dokja used to be in. (He then remembered how he used to break this door in order to get through the front—to kill the people in it, gain Kim Namwoon and Lee Hyunsung as one of his companions and proceeded to do the same with the other cabins. And suddenly, at one of his regressions, an unknown man leads 7 people to get out of that cabin—slowly turning his life upside down and to somewhere he’d never gone before.) It felt so familiar. His hands started to shake as he reached the door.
He opened it slowly, and it revealed him.
The star he’s been looking for all this time.
He was just sitting there, head hanging, and softly snoring. He wore his signature white coat—the only thing that served as a sign that it’s Kim Dokja—his phone still on his hands while his sword laid beside him.
He then sat across from him. He didn’t know why he sat there when he could’ve sat beside or kneeled in front of him; to take a good look, or to lightly breathe his scent in. Just to make sure that it was real. That Kim Dokja is there, or that Kim Dokja is the Kim Dokja he once knew.
The entire time, he spent his time there staring at the man sleeping.
He took a good look at his appearance. Kim Dokja looks the same as the day he met him, the day he last saw him. He still had the soft feature—the reason why he looked so delicate and frail, like someone who will break the moment you touch them. But he knows Kim Dokja isn’t like that.
Because Kim Dokja is someone who’s strong, reliable, someone who seems to know everything. Of course that’s what he sees. It’s the type of persona Kim Dokja showed them, after all. It was Kim Dokja’s mask. And now he wonders. What’s under that mask, Kim Dokja?
He breathed out, closing his eyes.
He never knew it would be the biggest mistake he’ll make.
The moment he opened his eyes, the white ceiling in his room was the one that welcomed him. The familiar soft mattress, scent, and the noises outside his room.
He got up and looked around. Confusion splayed on his face, realizing what he’s done in that dream, he could only mutter a curse and hide his face in his palms.
“Yoo Joonghyuk,” a voice suddenly called his name after that someone just barged right into his room without even knocking. “Hm? What? Are you crying?”
He looked at Han Sooyoung who just closed his door. “Oh. You’re not. Glad to know. Anyways, breakfast is ready. You’re surprisingly late today.”
“Han Sooyoung.” he called out, not meeting her eyes. “Did you…”
“Did you dream of him too?”
A loud silence enveloped them. In his peripheral view, he could see how Han Sooyoung stilled.
Han Sooyoung sighed, sitting on his bed with her back turned on him. “You did too, huh.”
“It’s not the first time that I got on that train but when I was there…it felt like my first time. I had a hard time finding where that rat is since I don’t remember what cabin he was in. I was walking back and forth. I felt lost and it felt like I was just walking in an endless hallway or something like that.” Han Sooyoung babbled. “And when I finally found him, he was just sleeping peacefully. He must’ve gotten sleepy waiting for me to arrive—or that’s just how I like to think.”
Han Sooyoung let out a chuckle, smiling at Yoo Joonghyuk as if showing him that she’s so pathetic. “I didn’t want to think that he’s sleeping because you know.”
“Did you wake him up?”
“I didn’t. Well, I was thinking but in the end I just let him sleep. I sat beside him and just leaned my head on his shoulders while I thought of something to say when he wakes up.” Han Sooyoung answered. “But he didn’t.”
“How about you? What did you do?”
“Nothing.” Yoo Joonghyuk replied shortly.
”I thought you choked him or something.” Han Sooyoung joked and chuckled.
“Han Sooyoung—”
“Calm down, it was a joke. Get your ass up and let’s eat already. I’m hungry.”
He then sees the note on his bedside table.
“The stars burn and burn and burn bright until they can no longer burn and die.”
——— ｡:*✧˚: ｡ ———
Yoo Joonghyuk isn’t the type of person that believes in Gods and its miracles. He simply believes that it’s entirely up to you how you want your life to be.
It’s pretty easy, he thinks. If you want to be successful, then work hard and earn. If you don’t want to get sick, then take care of yourself. If you want to live, have the will and prove yourself you want to. In the end, it’s up to us if we work hard or not.
But this time, he prays. To whoever is listening.
Let me dream of him again.
I want to see him again.
Please.
A miracle happens. He dreams of him.
He thanked whatever God or whoever entity listened to him.
And in the same cabin where he first arrived, he hurriedly ran to Kim Dokja’s cabin. And there he was. Just sitting, looking outside the glass window.
The scenery wasn’t particularly beautiful. It just looked like it was because he could see it in Kim Dokja’s eyes.
Kim Dokja’s head slowly turns to him. And he smiles a little. “You’re here?”
Yoo Joonghyuk couldn’t answer. It wasn’t really that long since he heard Kim Dokja’s voice. But now that he’d heard it, it felt like forever. He missed it so much. He missed it so much to the point that he just wants Kim Dokja to keep talking just to memorize his voice.
Just to engrave it in his mind so it wouldn’t disappear.
“Won’t you get tired standing? Come sit with me, Joonghyuk-ah.”
He liked his name. Only when it comes from Kim Dokja’s mouth.
When he hears his name from other people’s mouths, it always sounded like it had expectations. That he’s strong, he’s a hero, he’s some kind of a main character, a saviour, someone who can take it all, etc. But when it's Kim Dokja, it’s simply his name.
He liked it so much.
He missed it. The way Kim Dokja calls his name.
“Kim Dokja,” he calls.
“Yes, Joonghyuk-ah?”
He hides himself in his palms again. He doesn’t know what to feel.
But maybe he was ashamed.
Ashamed because he couldn’t save him.
Kim Dokja is the only one he desperately wanted to save. Even with his desperation, he still couldn’t save him. What is it? What does it really take to save a Kim Dokja?
“I can read your thoughts, Joonghyuk-ah.”
The man says in front of him. He doesn’t look up to meet his eyes.
“I was the same.” he starts.
“I went to such lengths to save you all. I know it’s devastating to try and save someone but they can’t even help and save themselves.”
Yoo Joonghyuk sighed.
“So you understand.” he answers. He looked up and stared at Kim Dokja’s eyes. “Then why?”
”As much as I want to save myself, my priorities are you and the company. If I were to choose between the company and me, you know I would always choose the company.” he answers. “This is my way of repenting, Joonghyuk-ah.”
“This is the only way I know to repent.”
“What repent, Kim Dokja? Why do you have to repent when you’ve done nothing wrong? I may not know your past but—you too, you only wanted to be saved, right? You only wanted to live, right?”
Yoo Joonghyuk breathes in, “No one is blaming you. No one will.”
“That doesn’t mean I blame myself, Joonghyuk-ah.” he answers truthfully. “I know you all don’t blame me. Especially you. And that makes it even harder for me. Because you don’t blame me. I have my faults, Joonghyuk-ah. No matter what you say, what I think will always be the same.”
“I have to repent for making you all suffer.”
“Especially you.”
Kim Dokja gives him a look, and smiles again. “I’m sorry.”
——— ｡:*✧˚: ｡ ———
In the next dream, he’s there again. At the starting point. This time, the train was moving. The rusts, mosses, and papers that were covering and scattered around the train were no longer there. It looked new. The glass windows weren’t there, so the wind was blowing harshly through him. Surprisingly, there were no sounds from the engine or harsh wind.
He could only hear a calmly blowing wind, the waves on the beach from the scenery, and that was all.
He walked slowly towards the cabin where Kim Dokja is in. When he went in, he saw Kim Dokja waiting for him once again. He greeted him with a soft smile and a quiet whisper of ‘hello’ as if afraid to lose the calm mood.
When he sat down across from him, Kim Dokja asked him. “Joonghyuk-ah, do you want to hear a story? About a boy who suffered almost all his life.’
Somewhat familiar. But he agrees and starts to listen.
It was a chance to hear his voice and engrave it in his mind so he would no longer forget.
——
A baby boy was born in a happy family. They spent years loving and understanding each other. Being there through thick and thin until that baby boy reaches the age of 6.
The little boy was clueless, wondering why their home was no longer that bright place he used to see—he used to live. It was a new feeling.
The little boy would always wonder why his father would always be late. It’s almost as if he doesn’t come home. But if he does, he would come with a stranger so he would back out and act like he doesn’t exist. He would no longer greet his father with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. They would no longer eat together. It was usually him and his mother—sometimes, alone.
He starts to get used to it. He doesn’t ask questions. Instead he looks at everything. Because his mother would give him books, he learns the things that's happening to their home.
His father was a cheater. Someone who engages or enters a romantic relationship even though they’re already tied to someone. Those strangers that his father would bring home; it was his other lovers besides his mother.
He also learns that he was an alcoholic man. Someone who likes to drink too much—drinks every time he sees a chance. And that chance was almost everyday.
He also sometimes sees his father doing other sketchy things.
He knows it was bad. So he tells it to his mother. And his mother listens to him carefully. She didn't look shocked. In fact, she looked somehow relieved.
Of course at that time, the little boy did not understand why. He doesn’t ask.
She tells him to not mind his father. To not ask him questions or to disturb him.
The little boy just nods, he was basically told to act like he doesn’t know or see what his father is doing.
When the little boy turned 7, things with his father started worsening. He just no longer brings a stranger home when his mother is not around. He brings them, even with his mother around. His mother would even be the one to serve them something. He also drinks almost every second. It was like the alcohol became his water. Not only that, he started hitting and screaming at both of them.
He would often see his mother full of bruises. Sometimes even bleeding. He does not ask questions, he just silently helps her patch them up. His mother would kiss his forehead and hug him, saying he did a good job.
When his father hits him, his mother does her best to take all the hits. And when it’s done, both of them would take turns patching each other up.
They would be in their own little world, acting like nothing happened. Even just for a bit.
The day he turned 10 was the worst. His father comes home at midnight, and sees him and his mother holding a small piece of cupcake with a candle lit on top of it.
His father screams about his mother lying and not giving him any money but here she was, holding a cupcake for the little boy.
His mother gave out a trembling sigh and gave the cupcake to his son. She told him to light out the candle and go to his room, because when everything is done, they will light it up again and have him wish on it.
The little boy agrees. He runs to his room and closes the door silently. He puts out the fire and stares at the dark room. He decided not to open the lights and hide inside his cabinet with the cupcake.
As he hears everything, he closes his eyes and covers his ears, he hums out a lullaby that his mother would always sing to him.
Until he doesn’t hear a sound anymore. He thought it was over so he went out of his room and checked his parents.
His eyes trailed to his mother who was sitting on the floor. Body painted black, blue, and red as his father held her hair. She was crying silently, her voice wouldn’t come out anymore from hours of endless screams.
The little boy’s eyes saw the kitchen knife. He didn’t know what came up to him. Just mindlessly taking the knife.
The rest was blurred to him. He could only hear his mother telling him to remember that it was just an accident. A self-defense. That he does not know anything.
He looks over to his father, only to be covered by his mother’s tall figure. Telling him not to look.
So he looks down and sees his hands getting wiped by a wet cloth. She struggles to talk and move. Even so, she still runs around, cleaning him up while she talks about how it’s not his fault repeatedly.
The little boy stood there as he stared at nothingness. In a blink of an eye, he’s outside of their home watching his mother get taken away from him.
Life without his mother was hell. Growing up felt like eternity. With how the reporters, people around him, classmates—they wouldn’t leave him alone. He tries to run away because that was the only solution he could ever think of. But even in his sleep, they all haunt him.
He did great at school even with the nuisances around. He wanted to prove his mother and everyone else that he’s not just the son of the murderer. That he could be someone great too. But of course, it wasn’t really that helpful.
Even if he did great, even if someone acknowledged his achievements, it’s not like his old title was forgotten. After years of trying, he finally grew tired. At 14, his grades started to drop. Just as his life was falling apart—after he stopped trying, his life fell apart even more.
Then at 15, he worsened. He barely passed. He barely lived. So he decided to end things once and for all.
Thinking that everything was his fault, everything won’t get better, that he’s a failure.
He jumped through the window of his school building. Only to wake up inside a hospital room. Not only did his life and he himself failed—even his attempt failed.
Spending 2 months inside the hospital was hell too. He was bombarded with questions as to why he would jump when he’s so young and could achieve greater things. Or that he should be grateful for being alive, some even said that his life isn’t his but God’s and he has no right to take it—only God himself.
Some criticized him for being so sensitive and all, some didn’t take him seriously, some thought he had few loose screws in the head.
Well, he definitely had some.
While spending time at the hospital, he accidentally discovers this novel. It only had hundreds of chapters. A bit short for a novel. But he soon sees that it was still on-going.
Reading the novel became his pastime, it piqued his interests and commented his thoughts and thanks every chapter. That’s just how the boy was.
Life finally became at least tolerable for him. With the novel in his side, he now had something to keep him busy and happy.
He continues to live—surprisingly. If he was asked what’s his reason to live, he'd answer he wanted to see the end of his favourite novel.
When life gets tough, just like always, he would read the novel all over again. Again, again, again, until he subconsciously memorizes it. It doesn’t matter. He reads, and reads, and reads.
The military training service was hell. Not only did the weight of the training was hard and heavy, the people around him wouldn’t stop bothering him too.
Only the novel was his saving grace. If it weren’t for the novel, he probably would have given up years ago.
After he graduated and started finding work, his old title was finally buried deep within somewhere. Years have passed, after all.
Still, his life still didn’t get any better. The place he works at was also shitty. The higher ups were no different from his bullies. He just tolerates it all and releases his stress through either smoking or reading his novels.
Soon enough, he quitted smoking. Remembering how his father used to smoke too. He didn’t want to be like his father after all.
It’s a shame though. He looked like his father more than his mother. It was the reason why he doesn’t look at the mirror more often than some people do.
At least he was the better version.
——
“Kim Dokja,” he calls.
The man in front of him only smiles, tearing his eyes away from Yoo Joonghyuk who was staring at him.
Yoo Joonghyuk couldn’t say anything. To be specific, he doesn’t know what to say. Pity him? Kim Dokja wouldn’t want his pity. A ‘you-endured-well’ wouldn’t really work either.
Kim Dokja is like a glass ball full of cracks on top of a pencil. Just a touch would result in Kim Dokja only breaking even more.
In that case, he doesn’t say anything again. Can only stare and listen to whatever Kim Dokja is going to say.
He knows that it was all Kim Dokja needed.
“Thank you.”
Yes, that's all he needs. Someone to listen to him.
——— ｡:*✧˚: ｡ ———
The fourth time he dreams of it again. And again, the train was moving.
He sat across from him, again.
“Why do you always sit across from me, Joonghyuk-ah? Come sit beside me.” the man in front of him offers with a smile.
He shakes his head. He’s fine with it. He gets to see Kim Dokja’s features clearly, and he’s afraid that he might disappear once he touches him.
“Well then, how is life, Joonghyuk-ah?”
He shuts his lips, not knowing what to say again. How is his life? All he knows is that he’s miserable. That he’s been missing Kim Dokja. Can he even be honest and tell him that?
So instead, he tells him the lives of their companions.
“Lee Hyunsung entered the military.” he starts. “He proposed to Jung Heewon 2 years ago; bound to get married next year. It was a bit long but the both of them were okay with it. Taking things slow.”
“I look forward to their marriage then. I wish them both a good and happy life.” Kim Dokja smiled and fiddled with his fingers. “It’s a shame I can’t go to their wedding.”
Yoo Joonghyuk’s breath hitches. Still, he continues.
“Lee Seolhwa became a doctor, and also got a lover. I heard she’s planning to propose to her next week.”
“Ah that’s a surprise. Seolhwa-ssi got a girlfriend. Congratulations to her.”
“Yoo Sangah became a Museum Educator and a Librarian.”
“Definitely suits her. She’s a history major, after all.”
“Han Sooyoung continued to be a writer.” he says, thinking of the next words he should say. Being honest, he doesn’t know whether he should or shouldn’t say the next ones. But, if it would be a way to convince him then...
“After you left, she told us she wouldn’t be writing anymore. Since her only reader and sole reason for her writing was already gone. She said she had no more reason to write.”
Kim Dokja stiffened and looked at him. He looked hurt. It’s as if saying that everything that happened—he had no choice. But Yoo Joonghyuk doesn’t falter. “Joonghyuk-ah...”
“But we all convinced her to continue. That even if you’re gone we could tell you the story. And so she did. The ending’s almost near, Kim Dokja.”
Kim Dokja doesn’t reply. So he continues with the kids. It was a shit move, he knows. Using the kids and all because he knows they’re his weakness to make him guilty and make him want to come back.
Who can blame him anyways? He's just that desperate to bring him back.
He wishes that Kim Dokja would really waver.
“Lee Jihye got a boyfriend after she graduated. He was nice and calm, opposite to Lee Jihye’s personality but they’re a great pair nonetheless. It’s even surprising that he looks a bit like Kim Namwoon due to his silver-ish hair.”
“Shin Yoosung and Biyoo, both of them get along really well, especially when it comes to praising you and teasing me. Shin Yoosung graduated highschool while Biyoo graduated elementary. Even if her age was much older, we really had no choice but to send her there. She doesn’t really mind, telling us she finds it enjoyable. Being a kid again and all.”
“Joonghyuk-ah.”
He does not listen to him.
Waver.
I beg of you.
Waver.
Come back.
I just want you to come back.
“Lee Gilyoung was the same as always. Just like Shin Yoosung, he graduated highschool too. He gets along with Shin Yoosung now more often than not. Especially when—yeah—teasing me. Saying I’m a sooty bastard. I don’t mind. I find it nice that they’re now getting along well. They still fight about insects and beasts. ”
“Joonghyuk-ah, please.” Kim Dokja pleaded.
No, Dokja-yah.
You need to hear me out.
You need to listen.
Please.
“Yoo Mia graduated highschool too. She gets along with Lee Gilyoung and Shin Yoosung. She’s even the peacemaker of the four when they’re together. But she gets in trouble sometimes for defending me.”
“Joonghyuk-ah, please listen to me.”
“All of them are grown up now.”
“Everyone—everyone is waiting for you at home. We live in one house. Just like what we all planned during that one scenario. At the Han river, the pc bangs, amusement parks, the foods—we’re all waiting for you to do that with us.”
“I can’t—you know I can’t come back anymore, Joonghyuk-ah.”
‘I can’t come back anymore.’
“Ah.”
All he could do was lower his head and hide it in his palms once again.
Those words were enough to shatter his last hope. He thought using the kids would be enough to convince him to go back. Because he couldn’t accept that he’s long gone. That he can’t come back anymore. But to hear those words from someone who you desperately wished to come back hurts so much.
“Go back. You can’t save anyone.”
Pride? Hesitance? Arrogance? Yes, maybe it was arrogance that they— he lost Kim Dokja.
Maybe he became too arrogant thinking that he can protect Kim Dokja forever. That he can save everyone. But he wasn’t Kim Dokja who brings miracles and can save everyone. Why did he even think that he could? Because he’s favoured by the gods? Because he already went through thousands of regressions thinking he’s strong enough?
Who should he even blame for all of this? Kim dokja who chose to leave rather than staying? Himself for regressing because of his greediness to meet his sponsor when he already had the perfect ending? For not being strong enough to save himself, Kim Dokja and everyone else? Han Sooyoung who wrote the novel?
Who? Who should he blame? The universe?
He blames the universe for taking away Kim Dokja from him?
Because Yoo joonghyuk can never accept the fact that Kim Dokja wasn’t taken away from them—from him. Because it was Kim Dokja who chose to go away instead of staying because he had to. He needed to.
In order to atone for his sins.
They didn’t even want him to atone for those sins. They just—he just wants him to stay. To be with him. To be complete in that big house they once dreamed of.
“Why? Why can’t you just—”
“You already know why, Joonghyuk-ah. It was simple. In order for you to live normally—safely—we need to destroy the Star Stream. We need someone to become the Most Ancient Dream in order to keep the worlds and not let them crumble. Including this world and timeline. Someone has to be one and that someone is me. I’ve been the Most Ancient Dream once, it wouldn’t—I wouldn’t mind being one again.”
“Did you even think that we’re fine with that? As long as we're complete? Everyone—they’d prefer living in chaos as long as you stay. I’d prefer that. We want you to stay with us even if it means destroying the worlds and timelines. We don’t fucking care, Dokja! We just want you back…”
Kim Dokja bit his lip. “I promised you that I’d help you achieve the perfect ending. And here it is, in front of your eyes again. Joonghyuk-ah, you need to—”
Yoo Joonghyuk stood up and walked away. “Joonghyuk-ah!”
“I’ll come back tomorrow.”
Kim Dokja could only sigh and watch as Yoo Joonghyuk’s back disappeared.
——— ｡:*✧˚: ｡ ———
“It’s early in the morning and you already look so angry. Let me guess, Kim Dokja?”
Yoo Joonghyuk hummed.
“I see. Not like I can do anything about that. Anyways, Sookyung-ahjumma’s outside. She said she just came by and she’ll head straight to his grave afterwards. Are you going with her?” Han Sooyoung asked.
“…What about you?”
“I just visited that squid last week and wrote my drafts in front of him so no. Well, it’s also your chance to talk to her so it’ll be good if you go.”
“Alright. Tell her to sit and eat here before leaving.”
“‘Kay ‘kay make it quick bastard.”
——
“How’s life, Yoo Joonghyuk?”
“I don’t know. Probably the same.” he answered.
“Ah, you’ve also aged, huh. Still have no plans of getting a lover?”
“No.”
“Why not?” Lee Sookyung asked. “It’s already safe for you to have a family.”
“I’m waiting.”
Lee Sookyung was about to chuckle and tease him but she suddenly had a hunch who Yoo Joonghyuk was waiting for. So she looked at him—immediately confirming her hunch. “You know, I always notice an expression of yours that always shows up when you’re talking about him. Is he the one you’re waiting for?”
Yoo Joonghyuk looked at her and did not answer.
“Haha! You know silence is an answer too, right?” Lee Sookyung sighed. “I’ve been dreaming of him recently and I know he's not coming back. I’m sorry, Yoo Joonghyuk.”
“Why do you think so? I thought out of all people you’d be the one to have so much hope about him coming back.”
”I did. I hoped he would still come back but after dreaming of him, I realized that he won’t come back anymore.” Lee Sookyung smiled. “I feel sad, and hurt. Of course that’s still my son. I haven’t talked to him properly yet, and we haven’t done anything a normal mother and son would. And I haven’t apologized enough to him yet.”
“I haven’t apologized for not giving him a life a kid had to have. I haven’t apologized for taking his childhood away from him. I’m assuming you already know what happened to him. That’s why I’m telling you this. If you at least managed to see him again, then please tell him I’m sorry for everything.”
”In everyone’s eyes, I’m probably a bad mother. I think so too. Because I wasn’t able to give him the life that he deserved. He suffered so much because of me and my stupidity. The time his father started straying away from us, I should’ve severed our ties. At least in that way I could’ve saved my son from that tragedy. But what can I do now but to feel regret and guilt, right? It already happened. At least now, all I can do is to apologize to him.”
Yoo Joonghyuk was quiet, listening to Kim Dokja’s mother tell him things that she should’ve been saying to his son if he’s there with them. But he’s not.
“I know Kim Dokja loved you so much. By now, he’s probably not angry with you and would’ve told you that it was okay and it doesn’t matter anymore. Kim Dokja…never resented and loved someone so much other than you. He used to tell me stories sometimes about you. About how you loved him and took care of you, about how you took the blame that was for him, about how you could’ve lived your life better if you told everyone the truth and left him alone. He told me how you’re dumb and pathetic for staying with someone like his father, he only resented you for that. For staying with a man like him. Other than that, he was grateful to you.” Yoo Joonghyuk continued cooking while he spoke, and Lee Sookyung could only stare and listen to his words.
She thought Kim Dokja hated her for everything.
“He told me that only after 13 years he managed to understand why you did that. You were thinking of him, weren’t you? You didn’t want him to live with a broken family, and you hoped that your husband would change because he wasn’t like that at all. How he was such a sweet man when you first met him, and how he loved and cared so much for you and him when he was still an infant. You thought that holding on for a bit more would change things but it didn’t.”
“Kim Dokja told me that between the two of them, you were probably the one who’s heartbroken because you’ve been with him for years already. He didn’t have any kind of good attachment to his father, so he said his father isn’t really someone he could call one—just a stranger in your house that likes to create a ruckus every time he’s drunk.”
“Kim Dokja once said that if he was given a chance, he’d still want you as his mother but with a different father. He wanted you to have a good husband. Someone who’ll take care of you when he’s not around, someone who’ll love you wholeheartedly even without asking for anything. Someone who’ll be there and share the weight of your troubles so you wouldn’t have to cry alone. Someone who’ll be your crying shoulder. Someone who’ll truly love you and won’t hurt you. That even if he’s not born as your child again, it’s fine as long as you’re happy with your partner. And so he hoped that you wouldn’t make the same mistakes again and know your worth.”
When Yoo Joonghyuk turned to look at her, for a second, she somehow saw her son looking at her with a smile on his face. Her mouth went agape, not knowing what to say. Her head lowered and she smiled. “I see.”
She could feel her tears welling up in her eyes.
She’s glad.
Her son doesn’t hate her after all.
“Thank you, Yoo Joonghyuk.”
As a reply, Yoo Joonghyuk only served her a plate full of food. “Eat. He wouldn’t like it if you get sick.”
——
“Say, Yoo Joonghyuk, why are you waiting for him?”
“Because he’s my companion. I believe he also deserves a good ending. And I haven’t thanked him enough yet.”
“Will you let him go?”
Yoo Joonghyuk couldn’t answer. Can he? Can he really let him go? Just like that?
“I see. That’s your answer.” Lee Sookyung picked the petals of one of the flowers she bought for Kim Dokja. “I can’t blame you if you can’t. You’ve been with him for quite some years too, no?”
Yoo Joonghyuk nodded in agreement.
“If ever, he asked you to let him go, please do so.” Lee Sookyung said. Making Yoo Joonghyuk frown in frustration.
“Why? Why do people always tell me to let go of him? It’s hard. I—still can’t accept the fact that he’s not here with us. I still can’t accept the fact that I can’t bring him back—why—why?”
Lee Sookyung patted his shoulder. “I want my son to rest too, Yoo Joonghyuk. I believe that if we let him go, he’ll finally be at peace. He’s suffered for too long already. And I don’t want to prolong it. I hope you understand.”
——— ｡:*✧˚: ｡ ———
Yoo Joonghyuk was confused. He knows he’s in a dream. But he’s not at the starting point—the train. He always woke up there. But now, he woke up in the middle of the field. Just light grey clouds and brown grasses. It was windy and quiet.
“It’s relaxing, isn’t it?”
A man beside him spoke. He knew whose voice it was. Kim Dokja.
“I talked to your Mother.” he started without looking at Kim Dokja.
“She told me if I ever see you again, she wanted me to tell you that she wants to apologize. Because she wasn’t able to give you the life a kid should’ve had. For taking away your childhood. Then I told her how much you resented and loved her at the same time. It seemed she was glad to hear that you don’t really hate her.”
“I really didn’t. She’s still my mother, after all. I might’ve hated her for her wrongdoings but, she already apologized enough. So it’s okay.”
“The things that I have told her, I should be saying that to you.” Yoo Joonghyuk looked at him for a second and looked away.
“What did you tell her?”
“You don’t have to know.”
“Pfft—well okay then.” Kim Dokja stood beside him quietly. “Ah, why are you here again?”
“Shouldn’t you be asking yourself that? Why am I here again?”
“Come on, you could’ve just told me that you want to have a conversation with me. I’m hurt, Joonghyuk-ah.” Kim Dokja acted like he was hurt, clutching his chest with a horrible expression—even pouting—that made Yoo Joonghyuk slap his shoulder lightly.
“Such a bad actor.”
“As if you aren’t too, hmph.”
——
“Kim Dokja,” Yoo Joonghyuk called.
“Hm?”
“If I let you go, will you be at peace?”
Kim Dokja froze for a second. “Ah that was—hm well—I’m not sure. But maybe I will be.”
“Well I’d be at peace if I knew that you’re all finally moving forward.” Kim Dokja smiled. “Star stream and the scenarios are gone, you’d be able to live peacefully now. And I’d be glad to know if you’re enjoying the life we worked hard to achieve.”
“Yoo Joonghyuk, once you accept that I’m not coming back, you won’t be dreaming of me like this again. And if ever, there will come a time I’d be telling you to stop dreaming of me.”
“All I can say is I’m sorry for breaking my promises. And I’m sorry for leaving.”
It took Yoo Joonghyuk a while to speak up again. “Will you be happy like this?”
To be happy.
What even is the definition of being happy for him?
All he knows is that he dreamed of it once and never again.
“I wanted to fulfil my promises to all of you, Yoo Joonghyuk. To be able to live in that one big house, to eat pizzas and drink colas in the Han river, play in pc bangs, go to amusement parks and have fun with all of you, be a kid again even though I’m all grown up. I want to read Sooyoung’s novels, I want to read with her, be angry, cry, laugh, and insult the characters we hate in a book. I want to visit the museums and libraries with Sangah-ssi, I want to watch Seolhwa-ssi take care of her patients, how she works as a doctor, how she’ll prepare for her engagement. I want to watch Heewon-ssi and Hyunsung-ssi’s wedding, have their kids. I want to see Jihye and his boyfriend last long and get married, hopefully build their own family like Heewon-ssi and Hyunsung-ssi. I want to see Gilyoung, Yoosung, Biyoo, and Mia graduate. Be who they want to be, get what profession they want.”
“I want to play the games you once played. I want to play with you even if we stay up late and sleep in the morning. Get scolded by everyone, and then they’ll force us to eat, sleep, and rest. I—I want to try sleeping and waking up with you by my side just to know how it feels to be with someone. I want to be able to eat what you would cook everyday, even if it has tomatoes. I just—I just want to be with you.”
Kim Dokja trembled as he talked in his mind. Tears streamed down his face.
“I want to stay, Yoo Joonghyuk. I want to stay. Damn it.” he sobbed.
He wanted to say all those things. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t bring to say those words. Because then, Yoo Joonghyuk will just waste his life finding a way to bring him back when it’s already hopeless.
“I just want to be happy with you, is it wrong and too much for me to ask?”
“I’ll be happy. I’ll be happy if you let me go, Yoo Joonghyuk.”
“You’re lying again, Kim Dokja.” Yoo Joonghyuk pulled him and wiped his tears before hugging him. “You’re lying, aren’t you? You didn’t call me by my name.”
“If you’ll really be happy if I let you go, then tell me that using my name and while looking me in the eyes. If you do, then I’ll let you go.”
Kim Dokja grasped Yoo Joonghyuk’s black coat and cried on his shoulders.
“You fool. You can’t even look at me.” he smiled sadly. “I have no choice, do I? Either way I still have to let you go.”
“Don’t. Don’t please. Don’t leave me alone.” Kim Dokja sobbed, pleading in his mind.
“Yeah.” Kim Dokja answered in a hoarse voice.
Kim Dokja separated himself from Yoo Joonghyuk and reached his pockets. “Give me your hand, Joonghyuk-ah.”
Yoo Joonghyuk held his hand out and Kim Dokja placed a gold object in his palms. “It’s a gift,” he says.
When he opened it, it was a pocket watch. “It has a compass. So wear it when you’re feeling lost. At least in that way, you’ll always be able to find your way out.” Kim Dokja chuckled before talking again. “But it seems like you won’t really need it because of your protagonist cheat.”
“Thank you for everything.”
“You’re welcome, Joonghyuk-ah.”
Yoo Joonghyuk held his hand. “I’ll wait for you.”
“Everyone is waiting for you at home too. So if you feel like coming back, then come back to us.”
“Then that’s okay. I—I’ll come back. If I still can.” Kim Dokja smiled. “It’s time to go, Joonghyuk-ah.”
“Come on, don’t send me with a sad expression. Smile?”
Yoo Joonghyuk smiled as the tears from his eyes fell in his cheeks like a dam. “Okay. I’ll see you next time.”
“Yes, I’ll see you next time, Joonghyuk-ah.”
Kim Dokja slowly faded away like how the wind blew the pages one by one. Glowing particles from his body broke from his body away as he finally disappeared.
Yoo Joonghyuk woke up in his cold bed again, tears still streaming down his face. He held the watch that Kim Dokja gave him close to his heart.
“You can rest now, right?”
“I’ll wait for you. We’ll wait for you.”
Kim Dokja never left. He’s always there. He had always been in his heart, and no one will ever take his place.
——— ｡:*✧˚: ｡ ———
fin.