Chapter Text
"How about you, V, have you never been in love?"
Jayce was slouched in the chair, wearing the same stupid grin that Viktor had to endure every day for the past week. His feet were propped on the desk, chair tilted back - why did he always do that - and Viktor secretly hoped he would fall over.
"No," he responded dryly.
"Really? Wow." Jayce turned the wrench in his hands absentmindedly, but his eyes were fixed on Viktor now. "You're missing out."
Viktor scoffed and rolled his eyes. If only Jayce would stop talking. One thing was being absorbed in his own feelings, being the hopeless romantic he apparently was, but he didn’t need to start asking questions. Prying into Viktor’s feelings.
"I'm not missing out if I don’t want it. I don't have time for a love interest."
"It's not about having time, Viktor," Jayce said dreamily, eyes leaving Viktor again to look out the window. "Love doesn't wait for you to have time. It hits you when you least expect it. Just wait, one day you'll fall in love, and you won't care about anything else."
Viktor bit down on the inside of his cheek to keep himself from saying anything.
If only his chest didn't clench uncomfortably when he imagined Jayce with Mel.
He didn't want to. But it was impossible to ignore when Jayce wouldn’t shut up about it. When he was constantly unfocused, staring out the window instead of working, making one stupid mistake after the other. When Mel picked him up after work. When he looked at her like she fell from the sky, sent her longing gazes, touched her hand—
Jayce's love life wasn't any of Viktor's business, just like Viktor’s lack of it wasn’t any of Jayce’s, but he missed the time when Jayce only had eyes for Hextech, for science.
For Viktor.
"What about when you were a teenager?"
"Hm?" Viktor said, pretending to be engulfed in his work, even though he’d been staring at the same thing for minutes, eyes unfocused.
"Didn't you have a girlfriend back then?"
"I had— girlfriends," Viktor said, thinking about the one girl he used to meet up with after school, who shared the leftovers from her lunch with him. She was kind. Viktor enjoyed her company. Until the day she kissed him. "They never lasted for long. In the end, I preferred spending my time alone."
"Why?"
Sensing that Jayce wouldn’t give up that easily, Viktor put down his tool, straightened his back, and turned to Jayce.
He shrugged.
"I enjoy my own company. You know me, Jayce, I'm— a loner, isn’t that what they say? Until I find someone whose company I enjoy as much as my own, it's going to stay that way."
"What about me?"
The question came fast, unexpected. Maybe even for both of them, judging by the way Jayce’s mouth squeezed shut instantly, preventing more words from escaping. Viktor half expected him to brush it off or start laughing, but despite the flicker of insecurity on his face, his eyes stayed locked with Viktor’s.
"You like my company," Jayce clarified. Made sure Viktor didn’t misunderstand anything. It wasn’t something deeper, just enjoying the company of each other, and the blush on Viktor’s cheeks wasn’t necessary. Neither was the tiny spark of something inside his chest, something uncalled-for that he needed to ignore.
Jayce was right. He never spent as much time with anyone as he did with Jayce without growing tired of them. He liked Jayce's company because Jayce was smart, he was fun, he understood Viktor on a level that no one else did, but it wasn't—
Jayce kept looking at him with that spark in his eyes that might as well be nothing but a figment of Viktor’s imagination. Waiting. Whatever it was or wasn’t, it was too much.
"We're partners," Viktor said, eventually. The words left a bad taste in his mouth.
Whatever he saw in Jayce's eyes disappeared as his gaze averted Viktor's, flicking to the floor and back up to the wrench in his hands. His thumb ran over the metallic surface.
"Yeah."
His answer was a low mutter, and the tone of his voice made Viktor want to take back his words. They were partners, sure, but the word didn’t come close to describing Viktor's feelings for Jayce. He was so much more, he was everything, but he couldn’t know.
If only he didn't feel that stupid flutter in his belly whenever Jayce's eyes met his for too long.
Viktor wanted to look into them forever, but he couldn't because whenever he did, all of the emotions he tried to shove down resurfaced, bubbled up, and escalated into something inappropriate.
Jayce couldn't know, because Jayce wouldn't care.
Not now.
Maybe once, he would have. Years ago, when everything was new. When they were both vulnerable. Sometimes, Viktor made the mistake of thinking back, and in those moments, he was sure he recognised the signs of something more. He thought of the way Jayce touched him, the way he lingered when they hugged. Maybe it would have worked out.
But Viktor was too slow. Back then, he didn't realise the depths of his emotions, because he had no experience, nothing to compare with. He didn’t know, he wasn’t sure, and he definitely didn’t know how to act on it.
So he didn't.
And now, it was all too late.
"I just—” Jayce was still fidgeting with the wrench as he let his feet slide off the desk to the floor with a thump. “You're alone a lot, Viktor."
He was looking at Viktor with a worried frown, like a therapist looking at his client, and Viktor felt cornered.
"Jayce," he growled. A warning.
"I know, I know." Jayce threw his hands into the air to signal that he knew he overstepped a line. "You like your own company, I get it. I know it’s none of my business, I just— I want you to be happy."
What he saw in Jayce’s eyes was genuine concern, and while he didn’t appreciate people poking their noses into his private life, he knew that Jayce’s interest came from a good place. Jayce was like that. Unable to hide his emotions, his thoughts, his worries. And while Viktor himself was different, he had learned to appreciate it, because, with Jayce, he never had to guess.
For Jayce’s part, he still seemed to struggle with reading Viktor, and maybe that was for the better.
"Who says I’m not? Don't worry about me."
He curled his lips up into something that hopefully resembled a smile.
If only he was the one spending his nights with Jayce.
He wondered how it felt to go to sleep, wrapped in Jayce’s muscular arms. Did Jayce snore? Did he move a lot in his sleep? Did he have nightmares? Maybe they would need separate blankets because while Viktor preferred to be wrapped in his all night, he was sure Jayce’s body was a furnace.
He wondered what being naked with Jayce was like. How his body looked, if it was anything like what Viktor pictured in his mind. He thought about where Jayce liked to be touched, kissed, and what sounds he would make if they were together.
Instead, he spent most nights alone in his bed, trying to ignore it until he couldn’t anymore, doing to himself what he wanted Jayce to do.
In the morning, he would have a hard time meeting Jayce’s eyes.
But he wasn’t with Jayce. He didn’t get to experience all of this. So it was easier to just pretend. To keep telling Jayce what he had told himself his entire life. That he never cared enough about anyone to want to be with them like that, never felt that spark, never wanted to be held by somebody and just feel safe. Loved.
And for the most part, it was true.
Until he met Jayce.