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Two weeks. It had only been two weeks on Sakaar.
Loki knew that time worked differently there, but thinking back on his time there, it had been months for him. When he crashed down and was caught, he started with everyone else, fighting in the ring. Once they’d seen his seidr and use of magic, he was promoted to entertainment, which earned him a spot upstairs with the Grandmaster. His room was the best improvement, with a giant, comfortable bed and it smelled fresher, unlike the dank downstairs area where they kept the fighters.
However, he quickly found that living upstairs became its own sick fight.
There was no set schedule; he was simply kept on call until the Grandmaster needed him for entertainment of any kind. Mainly, it was to stand in a corner and perform small magic tricks, making daggers appear and reappear and the like, but he learned quickly that it was expected to show up ready and willing for any kind of entertainment requested. At first, it had been easy work. He’d been able to do magic for hours on the first few days, which left the Grandmaster gleefully excited. This earned him a premium status, in which he was allowed to wear clothes of his choice in the colors of the Grandmaster’s choosing, and have a private suite adjacent to the Grandmaster himself.
He’d slept those first nights, but after spending the next four straight days and nights doing entertainment in some capacity and providing for the Grandmaster, Loki realized that somehow, this was worse than fighting in the ring. He’d be shaken awake in the middle of the night and lead to a suite to stand and do magic. He’d be kept up late at events, standing and performing. He’d stood on the Commodore for endless nights, flicking various items in and out of view. And if he showed any weakness…Loki’s own mind didn’t want to revisit those memories. He learned to ask for nothing, to go long periods without eating until they remembered to feed him. The food itself was old and dry, but he forced himself to choke it down as it crumbled dryly in his mouth.
He was expected to not only entertain, but also to watch the fights, make bets and wagers, and laugh along. He was entertainment, after all. His body was sore from standing and his eyes burned from lack of sleep. His seidr fared better, but he could tell that even his magic was suffering.
It all wore on him. Within a few weeks, using his magic to dress and change his clothes became a struggle. He barely had the energy to entertain. His magic felt feeble and fragile after weeks of constant use. He’d gloat to Thor when they were younger about his stamina and it had never been a thought to him until now. His hands shook at simple tasks and simple magic, and using his seidr left him dizzy and unsteady. On nights where he was left alone, Loki spent the time watching the door, listening for the sound of footsteps towards his door while simultaneously dreading it. He’d wait all night, frozen between wanting to be needed and hoping to not be. And when he’d managed to drift off for no more than a few hours, his dreams were plagued by the oncoming sound of footsteps.
Then, Thor showed up.
They escaped and Loki was grateful to be alive and aboard the Statesman, and it was strange to have Thor in his proximity. He’d be surprised each time Thor came around the corner or came to stand next to him. Despite that, the first few nights left Loki restless, and he spent hours in the small study poring over the books some had managed to salvage.
They had escaped Sakaar, but what now? Surely the Grandmaster would find him and force him back. It was only a matter of time.
Suddenly, the room felt too small and his breath quickened at that thought. It would only be a matter of time. And Thor, of course, would send him back just to get the Grandmaster off their tail. Without Asgard standing, this was their only home. The walls felt like they were moving closer, closing him in, as Loki gasped for breath. Even with the ship’s own defenses, Loki knew it wouldn’t withstand the Grandmaster’s dedicated citizens' aim. Loki shuddered at the thought and remembered how easily the Grandmaster’s dedicated citizens could take down ships as they tried to escape. He’d seen it enough times to know exactly how it ended. He was an easy target.
They were probably looking for him right now.
His body broke out in sweats at the thought and he gasped, panting as he gripped the edge of the desk for support as he sank to the floor. His chest felt like he was breathing through a vice as he gasped for air and his head pounded against his temples. His hands trembled pathetically as he shook as beads of sweat rolled down his temples and neck. His mouth and throat felt like sandpaper and he could almost feel as if he was back on Sakaar, choking over dried crumbling food. The thought made his stomach twist but he fought down the rising nausea, clenching his hands into tight fists and forcing himself to breathe. He was out of Sakaar. There was no reason to think about it, he thought forcefully.
The next day and for the rest of the week, he took on the task of warding all the doors for extra protection and then the ship itself. His seidr hadn’t fully recovered, but he pushed on, learning new ways to create the strongest wards possible. The use of his magic left him shaky and unstable, but he continued anyway, and soon the ship's doorways and entrances were all flickering green with his spells.
And even still, with the crowd of Asgardians at dinner got too loud or at night, or when the ship was quiet enough to only hear the lone sounds of footsteps of a few people out of bed, Loki found his chest tightening uncomfortably as panic seized him, and he was no better equipped to fight it off than the first time it happened.
Dinner had been tasteless and loud, and he’d managed to fight down the rising panic until dessert was served. The sounds of everyone talking at dinner had easily turned into the same roar of the crowd and the bread he’d taken a bite of turned dry in his mouth. He tried to focus on the conversations around him, or even just the small portion of soup he’d gotten, but Loki’s chest tightened again. He then excused himself, willing himself not to catch Thor’s eye as he left.
He stumbled towards the hallway to the study, using the wall to support himself as he staggered through the hallway. The panic crawled its way around Loki’s frame and he could feel the magic he’d done and could see the crisscross of wards and spells lining doorways and walls. He’d layered protection after protection over the ship and yet, and yet , he knew it wasn’t enough. He would be found and forced right back to the Grandmaster’s side and the mere thought twisted his stomach.
And it would be his own fault. He wasn’t strong enough to protect himself.
His eyes felt wet and his mouth tasted acrid and dry, and coughed over imaginary crumbs caught in his throat. It was all too much. Too much to feel , too much to remember , and he ran to the small bathroom gagging, barely having enough time to open the toilet seat before vomiting.
Loki coughed again into the toilet bowl, his head spinning. His body shook as he gagged, and he could feel a sudden hot sweat pearl against his skin. It had been a week of this, and he’d almost gotten used to his new nightly routine of bowing to the toilet. He felt another wave of nausea and he bent over again, gagging and bringing up the rest of his half-eaten dinner. His hands gripped the sides of the seat tightly, and he pressed his forehead into his forearm as he gagged again. He managed to pull in a breath before he coughed and spat, and leaned there until the room felt a bit more stable. He blinked hard and reached over to flush the toilet.
He had things to do, wards to stabilize and adjust, and here he was, shaking and sick. Pathetic . Loki pulled in another deep breath and willed himself to stop trembling.
He wiped the sides of his mouth and bent over the sink to rinse his mouth. He caught his haggard appearance in the mirror and the sight nearly shocked him. The circles under his eyes had darkened considerably, and the pale tinge to his face had only worsened. The vomiting clearly hadn’t helped, he figured, and ran a tired hand over his face and rinsed his mouth again. He grunted softly, reaching for his weakened seidr and pulled a glamor over himself. Even using a basic one, his vision dotted instantly, but he blinked them away quickly. Maybe he should sit for a bit. But he knew he didn't have time for that.
There was so much to do and take care of. So much to make sure of. Between the wards and for the doors of the ship and the ones around the ship itself, he had to double check each stayed strong and stable. And he was the one that had to do it. And that all started with research, so strode out of the bathroom to the stack of books on the desk of the study. Pressing the heels of his palms against his eyes he took another deep breath and began to read.
It was only when the sun began to peek over the horizon and shine through the small window into the study when Loki realized the time. He sighed and dragged a tired thumb and forefinger across his eyes. Had he spent all night reading? Shit, the wards. He hadn’t checked them since the morning before. Dawn had just broken and so It was still early enough for most Asgardians to still be asleep. There were only low voices of the few that were awake, and Loki was thankful for it. His head was throbbing more intensely, and he could feel himself shiver, despite the warmer feeling of the room. He headed down the hallway and then down a few levels to start with the wards at the bottom of the ship.
Loki was mid-spell as he stabilized the wards he’d done a few days prior when he heard it. It was quiet enough at this part of the ship to make out the unmistakable sound of footsteps. And he was sure the distant thuds of footsteps were definitely coming his way. He swallowed down the panic that was already beginning to knock at his chest.
The Grandmaster had found him. He was going to be taken back.
“Loki?” Thor’s voice came from the corridor, and then Thor stepped into the small hallway where Loki stood.
Loki huffed in relief, his body shaking. It was just Thor.
“Ah, these seem to be holding well,” Thor mused, stepping into the small hallway where Loki worked. The hallway was illuminated by Loki’s green wards as they floated in place against the wall of the ship. “I found Valkyrie's extra stash of coffee.” He held out a cup. “Figured you’d need one, too.”
Loki nodded and quickly took the cup. “The wards needed adjusting,” he responded shortly. He swallowed down against the rising panic. The footsteps had been Thor. Why did he still hear them?
Loki gripped the cup tightly. He swirled the coffee slowly and it looked soothing yet sickening, as it moved.
“Loki.” Thor reached out to touch Loki’s shoulder.
Loki looked up in surprise, his arms jumping in front of him, suddenly spilling his coffee. The spilled liquid splattered to the ground but before it could streak across the walls and floor, it ebbed away and disappeared. Loki’s vision swam slightly from the use of his magic. “Leave me," he requested. "This takes focus and I wish to not be disturbed.”
Thor studied Loki for a second, taking in his brother’s form. “Are you alright, brother?” he asked, leaning against one of the walls. “I only ask because we share a room and it seems I’m the only one using it.”
Loki gave Thor a tight smile, doing his best to stand slightly straighter. “I prefer the study, is all,” he answered easily.
“You know there’s something called a bed,” Thor pressed.
“I’m familiar,” Loki responded dryly.
“Join us for dinner,” Thor requested. “The entire ship is gathering.” Thor reached out to grasp Loki’s shoulder, but then pulled back slowly. “It’s been a long few weeks for all of us.”
“I’ll give it thought,” Loki said dismissively, already edging his way out of the small hallway to step away from Thor. “I have work to do.”
Loki somehow made it through the day and by the end of it, he slumped against the wall, panting in the ship’s narrow hallway. He had spent most of the day redoing the wards, and his magic felt weaker than his body. The wards held strong, but he pushed to make them stronger. He watched as they burned brighter into the wall as he caught his breath,
He couldn’t be found. He wouldn’t be found. He’d keep them all safe.
His mind jumped from thoughts of being found and captured again to images of his time on Sakaar. The thoughts preyed at him as he fought to focus solely on the spell in front of him. He worked in a half-panicked state, and could feel himself sweating through his signature black suit. He’d only chosen to wear it for appearance’s sake, and now the entire outfit felt chokingly tight. He loosened his tie and clenched his hands into fists, but he forced himself to breathe. Relax . His voice echoed chidingly in his head. This was his suit. These were his clothes. He was fine.
His cheeks heated with embarrassment as he realized he’d started combing a hand through his hair, something he only did when he was stressed. He hadn’t done it in years. He shoved his hand in his pocket. Pathetic. It’s no wonder you could barely survive Sakaar.
Loki pushed those thoughts away and shivered, despite his sweating. With a moan, he remembered Thor’s dinner invitation from that morning.. He desperately wanted to skip it and to spend the evening and night alone in the quiet of the study, but he also knew that appearing with Thor at dinner showed some effort on his end for change and possible trustworthy leadership. Not that anyone would trust him to lead, especially now that he could barely stand on his own two feet.
He peeled himself off the wall with another heavy sigh. Loki steeled himself weakly and headed to the dining hall.
The hall was abuzz with Asgardians mingling, and there had already been some appetizers set out. The tables were pushed in four long lines and benches set at each table. Most hung around in smaller groups, chatting amongst themselves and socializing.
Loki made his way through the crowd, focusing on where his brother stood. He bumped against what felt like a sea of bodies on his way up, and by the time he was at his brother’s side, he was already feeling the familiar tightness in his chest.
“Brother.” Thor sounded surprised. “You came.”
“Thor,” Loki greeted simply.
“I’m…glad you’re here.” Thor gestured to the table. “Come, let’s sit.”
Loki followed him to the table and sat, and did his best to engage. He found it was more successful if he was able to have something to do with his hands, so he sipped his water periodically and managed a bite or two of food.
It wasn’t until dessert was served where Loki could feel his own efforts to stay calm beginning to waver. He blinked several times as the chatter of Asgardians sounded more and more like the cheer of a crowd. The sound roared in his ears and his head throbbed painfully. Thor set dessert in front of him and his stomach flipped.
“E-Excuse me,” Loki mumbled suddenly, rising to get up.
Thor blinked, his blue eyes wide with concern. “Loki, wait. Stay.”
Loki could already feel his hands beginning to shake and the dribble of sweat down the back of his neck, and he turned on his heel, and left. Away from the loud hall, his heart was already thumping unevenly in his chest. The panic hit him halfway to the study, his chest exploded in pain as the tightness seemingly squeezed his heart and lungs. He let out a whimper and his breaths quickened, and he forced himself up the last few steps before curling into a ball, shaking terribly.
“Loki?” Thor's voice echoed through the hallway and Loki could hear his footsteps thud down the empty hallway.
Loki could hear the roar of the crowd, the sound of the footsteps…. Images of Sakaar flashed in front of his eyes and he tried to close his eyes and will it away, to fight it all down, but it overwhelmed him.
No. No, not here. Not here. Not in this hallway…
He gasped as he tried to push himself to a stand, but found only unsteadiness on his shaky legs. He stumbled and pulled himself up again, doing his best to get to the study.
The study. Just get to the study.
He couldn't be seen like this.
But the panic was seizing him now and he whimpered as his hands shook, combing through his hair erratically.
They would send him back there. They’d send him back there in a heartbeat.
He could feel hands on him and he jerked away from it. “N-nn,” he moaned.
But the touch came again as Thor pulled Loki’s torso into his lap. Loki went rigid against him, but dimly noticed that Thor wasn’t holding him, but just supporting his weight.
“It’s okay, Loki. I’m right here.” Thor whispered softly. “I’m right here.” Gently, he felt Thor’s hands press against his own sweaty ones.
Loki gasped as he struggled to breathe, but curled his hand around his brother’s. His fingers gripped Thor’s hand tightly as he struggled to orient himself.
He was here, with Thor. He was here with his brother.
“Can you breathe with me?” Thor asked carefully and then took an exaggerated breath in and smiled as Loki followed suit.
Loki pulled next breath in and then again, until his chest and shoulders began to loosen. Slowly, the panic began to wane as Loki gasped, his lungs relishing the longer pulls of air.
“Good,” Thor encouraged.
Loki had calmed down considerably, but he still shivered and pulled his knees up to his chest. He was sitting in the hallway, he realized, and his cheeks suddenly burned. He was a prince. He shouldn’t be this weak.
A sob choked out of him then, but no tears came. Instead, he shuddered and Thor carefully pulled him into his arms. Loki protested for a minute, something forcing him to wrench away, but suddenly, something else in him broke and he buried himself in Thor’s chest. He found that his brother even smelled the same, even miles away from their destroyed home, and Loki burrowed himself in the familiarity of it all.
“It’s okay. I’m right here,” Thor repeated. He carefully rubbed Loki's sweaty back slowly, feeling Loki's uneven shivers.
“Can you stand?” Thor asked after another few minutes.
Loki nodded carefully and allowed Thor to help him stand. Wordlessly, Thor took on most of Loki’s weight, and helped him into the study to sit on the battered couch.
Loki watched Thor rise again and get the glass of water left on the desk, rinse it in the small sink, and refill it before returning.
"Here, this might help. Are you comfortable?" he asked slowly, holding out the glass of water.
Loki nodded slowly and sipped the water. He was grateful when Thor sat beside him again. “I’m back there,” Loki started, his voice thin as he struggled to figure out where to start. He swallowed thickly, feeling the dryness settle into his mouth. He took another small sip of water. “I’m back on Sakaar. And with the Grandmaster.”
Thor placed a steady hand on Loki’s knee and studied Loki carefully, his eyes wide.
“He’s coming for me,” Loki continued, his voice hoarse. The images flashed against his mind again and his stomach clenched. He made a face as his body suddenly gagged.
Thor was gone and back in a second and managed to shove a basin under him as he gagged again and brought up his meager bites of dinner. He coughed and suddenly heaved and was sick again. He could feel his hair being pushed and held back at the base of his neck. He shuddered with sudden heat and his head throbbed as he coughed and spat saliva into the basin.
“I-I…” Loki stuttered. He could feel another turn of his stomach and he thought sickly of the way the Grandmaster smiled, how it curled in pleasure as at his exhaustion. His body shook again as he dry-heaved over the basin. He hardly registered Thor’s steady hand on his back, but he heard his voice in his ear.
“It’s going to be okay, Loki, it’s all okay. It’s okay.”
Thor's own voice was barely above a whisper, but Loki clung to the words and he coughed. Loki’s vision swam as his body sagged against Thor, spent and exhausted. He was so tired of running and denying his fear. He was so tired of pushing. He lay his head to lean against the armrest. He was so tired.
“Shh, rest now, brother. I’m right here,” Thor assured.
Loki woke up with a gasp and he scrambled to the end of the…couch? Sheets and blankets wrinkled under his fingers. It took a few seconds to remember where he was. He glanced around and took in the familiar walls of the study. And then at Thor. Thor was here.
“It’s alright, Loki,” Thor spoke gently. Thor used one hand to rub his eyes and then stretch as he sat in the chair placed near the couch.
Morning had come and gone. Through the small window, the sun was just beginning to set, giving the study a golden hue. Loki blinked in the brightness.
Had Thor stayed all night? And all day?
“What time s’it?” Loki rasped, pushing himself to sit up.
“Nearly evening. What do you remember?” Thor was sitting up straighter now and studying Loki carefully.
Loki wanted to somehow be anywhere but under Thor's stare. He cowered away, pulling up the blanket to give himself a wall between Thor’s stare and himself. The night before came crashing back. Last night. His panic. His weakness.
“Loki,” Thor started slowly and paused. “Talk to me, brother.”
Loki shook his head, the words stuck in his throat and his mouth refusing to move. His breath automatically quickened.
Thor leaned forward. “Loki, it’s okay. You’re safe here.” He reached out to touch the edge of the couch, close enough for comfort but far enough away for space.
“Am I?” Loki whispered softly. The words themselves came out in a strangled gasp, muffled by the blanket he held near his face.
Thor stared at Loki. Was this what he’d been thinking since boarding the ship? “Yes,” he assured. “I’ve had Valkyrie and a few chosen others to keep watch for any disturbances. Between them and your wards, we couldn’t be more protected.”
Loki nodded jerkily. Of course Thor would have put extra measures in place. His chest loosened slightly and he took another deep breath. His voice barely came out a whisper as he hung his head. “I fear he’ll find me and take me back.” I’m a god , he wanted to add. A god who is worth nothing else than to be a relic to be used for entertainment. He could feel himself burn with shame as the words seemed to hang in the air.
Thor stared at his brother, caught by surprise by his honesty. “Loki, if anyone comes for this ship in any capacity, we’ll defend it without hesitation.”
Loki shivered, almost not wanting to believe it.
They would send him back there. If it ever came down to his life and the rest of Asgard, surely Thor would…
But there was a deepness in Thor’s eyes that Loki knew well. He’d seen it when he’d laid dying in the Dark World. Those same eyes stared at him now, full of concern and care.
“Know that I would fight for your life, brother,” Thor said softly. “Know that, and trust it.” He placed a hand on Loki’s shoulder carefully, giving it a light squeeze. “And if they ever find a way…”
Loki watched as Thor held out his right hand and hid a small smile as he heard Thor’s hammer, Mjölnir, bang against walls and corridors, causing a few frightened yelps to echo through the hallways before whizzing into the study. Thor’s hand caught Mjölnir easily. "We'll be ready."
Something warm seeped through Loki’s chest and he could feel himself settle and relax. His shoulders sagged and suddenly, exhaustion sunk into his bones and he found himself drooping back against the pillow.
“Get some rest, Loki.” Thor settled back into the chair. “I’ll be here as you sleep.”
Loki curled up in the bed, his body already melting into the sheets. His mind drifted automatically to Sakaar, but this time, he felt a sense of relief. It was over. He’d survived, and he had Thor here to help him continue doing just that.
And for the first time in months, Loki fell into a heavy, dreamless sleep.