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Lucas and Dustin were sitting next to Max’s bed, with Steve just across them. Lucas and Dustin were trying to make conversation about trivial things like what book to read to Max next. It had been just over a month and Lucas went through a handful of books and Max was still lying there, motionless. They didn’t like to talk about the black smoke on the sky next to Max - like she could hear them and feel more awful because in the end they couldn’t defeat Vecna, not really, and she was still in a coma. Sometimes it all felt like it was for nothing to Lucas.
“All right, I’m heading off.” Steve said getting up from his seat and stretching. “I’ll come to pick you up, both of you, at six sharp.” He added, one finger pointed at them.
Lucas thought that his parents and Steve were in a secret agreement because whenever he spent the night at the hospital Steve would come and tell him he was taking Lucas home. Steve didn’t come around that often actually. He did give them rides whenever they asked but he didn’t spent much time in the room. It looked like he couldn't stand to stare at her like that and, Lucas understood. He understood the pain at seeing her like this and the guilt Steve felt.
“Wait, your shift doesn’t start for one more hour.” Dustin said practically jumping up from his seat, panic in his voice.
Then, there was Dustin, who acted like it hurt him to separate from Steve even for a second. And, Lucas understood that too because the other day he sent Erica to get a snack from the vending machine and it took her almost half an hour to come back right when Lucas was about to run around the hospital to find her. After Eddie though, Dustin must be feeling ten times worse.
“I’m gonna pick Robin up on the way.” Steve replied something soft passing his eyes.
Dustin gave out breath of relief and nodded. Steve smiled at both of them brightly, threw only a second of glance at Max before rushing out of the room.
For a while, Dustin and Lucas sat silently with their backs turned against the window, not wanting to face their new reality, and watched Max’s figure. Lucas did his best to turn the room into something Max would want to wake up to and others helped too. Max’s drawing of them from that night hanged proudly on the wall which was now also covered with different photos of Max and everyone. There was a stack of comic books on the table next to her right side - all of Max’s favourites like Wonder Woman. Mike kept bringing a new issue every time he came by. After Lucas asked everybody if they had a stereo they could spare, Nancy had brought an old one from home. Lucas basically bought every cassette of Kate Bush ever and would play it to her during the day.
All of this helped him too. Sure, Max was in a coma but, seeing all of that around made the room feel like less of a hospital room and more of Max’s room. So, Lucas breathed a little bit easily.
Lucas looked over at Dustin who was now watching Max with a hunched figure and his arms wrapped around his torso. Over the last week Lucas just tried to help people. He fussed over Erica more, and by some miracle she didn’t complain, and tried to reassure El that she did all she could for Max. He felt like he understood Steve now, understood why he rushed into help everyone. It came from a place of love and concern and care, but also sometimes it came from a place of wanting to distract yourself from your problems.
Dustin must have felt Lucas’s gaze on him because he turned his head towards Lucas. Their eyes connected for a second.
“I need-” They both started at the same moment and stopped, looking into each other’s eyes.
“You go first.” Lucas said with a nod.
“No, no. You go first.” Dustin said shaking his head from side-to-side.
Both of them silenced for a second as if they were waiting for Max to smack their heads and tell one of them to just talk. She didn’t.
“At the same time.” Dustin suggested with a small smile.
"One. Two. Three." They counted together slowly.
"It's not your fault." Both Lucas and Dustin blurted at the same time.
Lucas blinked a few times as if he was making sure he heard Dustin right. If Dustin was referring to what happened with Max he was definitely wrong. There was no way what happened wasn't Lucas's fault. He knew, because Lucas tried to blame others. He tried blaming Jason Carver for showing up and fucking up their plan but really Lucas should have fought off Jason sooner and not let him break the Walkman. Lucas even tried to blame Steve and Nancy because it was their fourth time fighting with the Upside Down, they were the older ones and they should have stopped this plan but really it was Lucas's fourth time too and he had a bigger chance at convincing Ma to not be the bait and he had failed too.
"Dustin, come on, I was the only one there." Lucas said shaking his head painfully.
"Yeah, and you shouldn't have been." Dustin replied with determination. "The plan was flawed from the beginning. We didn't account for the walkman breaking, we didn't have a Plan B or a Plan C. And even if our original plan was foolproof, new variables emerged like Jason-fucking-Carver." Dustin continued in one breath, like he spent too much time thinking about this.
"But-but I was the one there Dustin." Lucas said stuttering, finding it hard to believe Dustin's words.
Lucas also did try not to blame himself because that was an extremely heavy burden to carry. Every time he closed his eyes he could hear Max saying she didn't want to die. He was supposed to protect her, and she trusted him to protect her. That was the job he got when they made the plan. And, he failed miserably.
"I got a question for you." Dustin said, still with the same determination. "If it was me with Max, and not you, and everything happened the same would you blame me?" He asked raising his eyebrows, challenging Lucas in his know-it-all way.
And, Lucas considered the question for a minute because even if Dustin seemed to know the answer, his question was genuine. Dustin wanted Lucas to really think about it. So, he did. Even when Lucas tried to blame others, blaming El was never an option. Lucas knew that she did all she could to save Max and almost got hurt by Vecna in the process. She was the reason Max was alive right now. So, even if it wasn't the same scenario, if it was Dustin with Max and not him, Lucas would also think that Dustin had done all he could and he wouldn't consider blaming him for a millisecond.
"I wouldn't." Lucas admitted with a gulp.
Dustin smiled, as bright as he could these days, and shrugged. Dustin acting like a know-it-all was annoying at most times because he was actually a know-it-all, like he was always right. It was far from annoying this time though. Knowing Lucas since fourth grade, Dustin knew how to get to him.
Lucas gave out a breath and leaned as comfortably as he could on his chair. It wasn't his fault. Dustin who loved Max almost as much as Lucas did said so. It wasn't his fault. He did all he could for Max, he really did his best to win the fight against Jason. He did his best to save Max, to get her as quickly as possible to the hospital. All he could. Suddenly, there were tears streaming down his face, tears of relief, and two arms wrapped around him, curls getting in front of his vision. After holding onto Dustin for a while, Lucas remembered that he was trying to comfort Dustin just the same.
"Wait, it's not your fault either. Eddie is not your fault." Lucas said breaking up the hug.
Dustin shook his head to mean 'absolutely no' with the same determination in his voice a few seconds ago.
"Let's apply the same logic." Lucas started with a tone that was somewhere between firm and soft. "After all you came up with a theory." He continued and, well, he knew how to get to Dustin too. "If it was me with Eddie, and not you, and everything happened the same, if Eddie cut the rope and I jumped back and tried to help him, would you blame me?" Lucas asked, not quite in the same know-it-all way but like in the tone Steve used when he was trying to make a point.
For about three minutes, Lucas watched the wheels turn in Dustin's head. He could almost hear Dustin's thoughts which kept changing from 'yes' to 'no'. Lucas was also pretty sure that Dustin was coming up with hypotheticals in which he would blame Lucas for Eddie and judging by his silence, he couldn't come up with anything.
"No. I wouldn't." Dustin answered in defeat, but there was some sort of sparkle in his eyes. A sparkle that has been missing for weeks.
Lucas wanted to reach in and hug Dustin, the same way Dustin hugged him, to offer some comfort and support. To be honest, he also wanted the hug because he wasn't really done with it a few minutes ago but, Dustin looked like he wanted to say something more and Lucas wanted him to get everything out of his chest.
"I guess..." Dustin started and looked down at his hands. "...I guess I would be happy to see you okay. I couldn't have handled losing you both." he admitted with a single tear rolling down his cheek.
And, that was exactly what Lucas thought when he saw Dustin limping towards him in the hospital as Nancy helped him and Robin and Steve followed closely with no Eddie in sight. He felt so bad that he missed Eddie’s last campaign and he regretted that he never told Eddie how good he was as a DM, never told him how much it meant to all of them that he accepted them to Hellfire. But, as he cried and hugged Dustin and thought about the possibility of losing him too, after Eddie, after Max, for a moment he was extremely grateful that Dustin was okay. Limping, but okay.
Grief, and sadness and all their traumas was weird to make sense of. Some days Lucas felt like he couldn’t breathe at the thought of Max’s last words and at the sight of her lying on the bed but then, he would remember that he could have lost everybody and he didn’t. That would bring him a sense of comfort and a pang of guilt for thinking like that but, it was true. Because Steve’s wounds were only healing now, and Nancy got vecna’d too and the two of them with Robin almost got choked out by vines. Because Dustin was in the Upside Down, with all the bats that hurdled them at the trailer, at him. Because Will, Mike and Jonathan were shot at, because El had to re-live her worst days and risk her life for Max. Because fuck only knows what went down in Russia. Because, Erica, his annoying cocky sister, his sister, was held down by a guy twice her size. Because cracks opened up in Hawkins that could have swallowed their house too.
Some days, thinking about how he didn't lost everybody was the only thing getting him going. He didn't know if he could hold on like this, keep his hopes up this much if he was sitting alone next to Max's bed. Sure, they would give him some privacy with Max where Lucas just cried and talked to her but most of the time, he didn't have to watch over her alone. And, if something happened to somebody else, Lucas didn't know how he would explain that to Max when she woke up. After everything, after all she suffered and lost, she deserved to be surrounded by everybody she loved and that loved her. That was the other silver lining of people swarming the hospital, throwing lies about Steve being Max's brother, the party being her cousins to be allowed beyond visiting hours and to get information, so that when Max woke up she would realise how many people she has in her corner. So many people loved her and if everything with Vecna didn't convince her, seeing their group huddled around her would. And if that didn't, Lucas would try every day to show her how much she is loved, how much she mattered to everybody, to him. Lucas only hoped that she knew Lucas loved him right now as she lied on the bed peacefully, hoped she felt a bit of love.
"I couldn't either." Lucas answered after a few seconds, tears filling his eyes again but a small smile plastered on his face. "I'm happy that you are here, Dustin." he admitted this time.
They both wiped the tears covering their faces, Lucas with a quick movement as Dustin rubbed his face. Once they were done, they were both smiling, once again as bright as they could do these days.
"If you ever want to talk about Eddie, and about everything that happened, I'm here." Lucas said with a firm nod. "I'm the one person who gets it. I can always listen." he added looking at Dustin's tear-filled eyes.
For Lucas, it was easy to find things to blame himself for. There were times when he wondered what would have happened if Lucas tried harder to get Max talk to them before everything, before the spring break. Maybe then Vecna wouldn't have anything to haunt Max with. But, that was in the past, and blaming himself for it wasn't helping Max right now or, anyone for that matter. Lucas wasn't late with Dustin yet though, he could help his friend.
Dustin nodded with a smile which just assured Lucas that he was taking Lucas's offer by heart.
"If we learned anything from this nightmare is that we should talk about our issues." Dustin agreed looking at Max and then, turning to Lucas. "You can talk to me too. Like it goes both ways, I'm the one person that gets you too." he continued flashing a warm smile at Lucas.
This time it was Lucas that reached in to give Dustin a hug, wrapping his arms around his friend while trying to listen to Max's breath, in-and-out. They stayed like that for a while, and Lucas , once again, remembered the night after their fight with Vecna when he saw that Dustin was okay and how he felt like even if Max died, came back and was in a surgery, things would be okay because Dustin was there.
It was around five in the afternoon when Nancy came to drop Mike, Will and El. They dragged chairs from other empty rooms, like they always did, and hanged around Max's bed, reading her comics, as El cheered on for Wonder Woman, and stopping to discuss moments in them. Nancy stayed a while too, combing Max's hair and making it into a braid. After Nancy left, Dustin and Lucas kicked out Mike and Will and gave El the same conversation, asking her whether she blamed them for Max or not, to make sure that she was okay. Her answer was the same; she didn't blame them so there was no need for her to blame herself too. The moment tears started spilling from her, Dustin and Lucas already had their arms around her.
When Steve came by to pick them up, they forced him to park and dragged him inside despite his protests and arguments about not having any time. They kicked out Mike, who groaned and complained and Will, who was asking questions about what was going on, while El went with them to gave them a similar conversation. Dustin and Lucas forced Steve to sit down next to Max and look at her, like really look at her. It was harder to convince Steve because the moment Dustin started with his theory saying how what happened to Max wasn't his fault he tried to get up and leave but, Lucas pushed him back down. When they asked Steve if he blamed Lucas for what happened to Max, he snapped his head, eyes wide open and shouted a 'Of course not! Are you insane?'. After a lengthy talk, he was finally convinced because instead of glancing away from Max, like he always used to do, he was watching her now. Lucas was waiting for tears of relief to fall down Steve's face too, but it didn't or, Lucas couldn't see it because Steve had pulled them into a hug, which was a little weird with their arms getting all tangled because they were up and Steve was sitting, but they made it work.
They were going to make it work. Max was going to wake up and Lucas would be by her side, with Dustin and all their friends next to him. Steve would be waiting in his car ready to drive them anywhere they want while also complaining about being the babysitter, and they would all roll their eyes and fight about where they wanted to go.
Meanwhile, he would be there for Dustin and listen to him talk about Eddie, about his nightmares and his worst thoughts about that night. Dustin would do the same for him, listen to him as he weeped about Max in the hospital, as he described how Max sounded pleading not to die. They had each other, somebody who understood.