Chapter Text
“You're falling asleep
On my shoulder in the back of your boyfriend's car”
Jackie loves falling asleep in cars.
Shauna remembers when she first got her license and they’d go everywhere together in her car, Jackie would always fall asleep when Shauna drove her back home, when the sun set, when Jackie couldn’t avoid returning to her house and the day grew quieter.
Leaning her head on the window, she’d sleep, lulled by Shauna’s still cautious driving and sometimes she’d ask Shauna to talk, tell her stories.
“I like the sound of your voice.” Jackie used to tell her that all the time.
When they had sleepovers, Shauna read to her. Whatever book she was into at the time, she’d sit up, Jackie would lean into her, sometimes sprawled out on top of her and she’d fall asleep to the sound of Shauna’s voice.
It was often irritating, especially when Jackie would shower while Shauna read alone and then she’d interrupt the climax of the story just so she could hear her voice.
But it was also perfect. And the best part of sleepovers. To have Jackie against her, her soft breath on her neck, a small smile before she fell into sleep. It was perfect to be in that pocket of time that was only theirs.
Shauna thinks that’s what her and Jackie have always been.
Everything, all at once.
Love and hate and everything in between.
Shauna can’t remember what she was reading this one night, only her lamp was on, Jackie was about to crash and then she’d leaned up to press her lips to Shauna’s, kissing her. The kind of kiss that lasted a few seconds, that wasn’t a peck, nor was it deep. A goodnight kiss. The kind of kiss Jeff sometimes gets but never with the same intimacy or easiness.
Shauna hates Jeff. With every inch of her. Fucking Jeff and the way he just has Jackie. She’d kissed Jeff one time in high school just to see how he kissed. She was drunk. And Jackie had also kissed her that night. And not the goodnight kind.
Jeff was a bad kisser. Just bad. Too rough. Lips dry. An eager tongue.
Jackie was a good kisser. She knew because Jackie used to kiss her in high school when she was drunk and then never spoke of it the next morning. Shauna never spoke of it too, then.
After parties, Jeff drove them home. Jackie always rode in the backseat with Shauna.
“If Shauna’s in the back then so am I.” She’d shrug with a grin. Jeff would roll his eyes, sometimes he’d say shit that made Shauna want to punch him but Jackie would ignore it, she’d slide into the backseat without another word.
“Should I take you to your house, Shauna?” Jeff had asked that one night she’d kissed him, with Jackie half asleep on her shoulder. His eyes wanted more. And Shauna wanted Jackie.
“She’s coming with me.” Jackie had smiled up at her.
“You can just drop me off with Jackie.” She’d said.
Jeff always does a dumb wave whenever he drops Shauna and Jackie anywhere. It’s ducking weird. He just waves and keep waving until they’re out of sight.
In high school, they’d close the door to Jackie’s house and burst out laughing. And then Jackie would hug her while they laughed and then Jackie would kiss her again. Laughing, kissing a little deeper and Shauna never stopped her. Because how could she?
“You’re my best friend.” Jackie smiles, brushing Shauna’s hair off her face. Shauna’s cheeks are flushed and she remembers kissing Jeff.
“I kissed Jeff tonight.” She vomits the words before she has the chance to think. But she’s still drunk and it’s late and she’s tired and she doesn’t want to hold onto this.
“What?” Jackie is still holding her.
“It was stupid. I wanted to see how he kisses you. And fucking hell, Jackie, he’s a bad kisser and I know for a fact you’re a good one, so I just…you deserve more and I wanted to know and-“
“Fuck…” Her green eyes are staring at Shauna in that expressive confused stare and Shauna just wants to keep kissing her. “Why?” Jackie asks.
“I wanted to know if he was good enough.” Shauna shrugs.
There’s a beat. A few seconds of silence.
And then Jackie just starts laughing. Loudly. And then Shauna joins her because it really is fucked up and ridiculous.
But Jackie kisses her again.
And then pulls away to say:
“You’re a better kisser than him.”
Shauna wants to tell her that if that’s true then she should leave him but she doesn’t. She smiles, blushes and then Jackie pulls her up the stairs.
They say nothing in the morning.
It’s been seven years since high school.
It’s been three years since Jackie moved out of the apartment they shared since college.
It’s been a day since Jackie kissed Shauna for what she thinks is the last time.
And in two days, Shauna will be giving a speech in front of a whole room of people, at Jackie’s wedding, as her maid of honor.
She threw up in Jackie’s shoes when she told her she was engaged.
And Shauna had kind of had a panic attack after that.
The thing with them, in college, when Jackie decided to tell her parents to fuck off, when she moved to New York with Shauna and decided not to go to college, throwing her plans in the dumpster, dumping Jeff, you see…they talked about kissing.
And they loved each other, in a very real way. For a few years, Shauna knows life was perfect. But Jackie never called it what it was and Shauna has no fucking self worth apparently so when they broke up, when Jackie started shit up with Jeff again, they never broke up really. It just ended.
Jackie went back to kissing her when she was drunk and Shauna was pathetic enough to let her ignore the meaning of it. Shauna just let Jackie do what she wanted. Because Jackie wasn’t out, not even to herself and her whole life revolved around being miss perfect. And she’d started talking to her parents again, who would kill her if they knew, her parents who were funding the wedding.
In Jackie’s mind, being with a woman never made sense. In the girl next door way of who she was, that wouldn’t do. It wasn’t even a possibility.
“Need a drink?”
Shauna startles and looks back to find Taissa. Tai’s got that easy smile of hers, lifting up a bottle of whiskey as she steps out into the balcony.
“Please.” She laughs softly as she sits down next to her. “How’s the party downstairs?”
“Would you like the full rundown?” Tai grins.
“Absolutely. As you pour me a glass.”
“Alright. So, Lot is trying to convince us that she didn’t start a cult. Van is actually believing her when she says they’re a self sufficient community so…Nat is fighting with Misty about Kevin or could be something else by now. Everyone else is either high or very drunk so it’s like the good old days.” Tai’s voice is warm when she offers her a glass of whiskey. “And Jackie’s asleep. In your bedroom.” She adds after a moment.
Taking a bigger gulp of the whiskey, enjoying the way it burns as much everything else, Shauna sighs.
“Do I need to ask or…?”
“Still the same thing as always.” She shrugs.
“Do I repeat the speech or do we table that for, I don’t know, when I interrupt the wedding for you?” Tai tries to joke and Shauna just offers a huff of laughter in return. “What happened last night?”
“We had sex.” She shrugged. “I know it’s just the same loop over and over again. But she’s getting married. And it won’t stop until I’m the one who says no.”
Tai frowns. “You know, when you broke up the first time and you had that whole week where you wouldn’t leave your bed unless I made you?” She nods. Because it had been one of the worst weeks of her life when Jackie decided to get back to Jeff and then promptly left without a word for a month. “You give her so much power and at some point it’s gotta give. It’s been more than a decade of being wrapped around her finger. And yeah, coming out is fucking terrifying, but she doesn’t have to marry Jeff and she doesn’t get to have you on the side whenever she pleases.”
“I know that. But it’s…Jackie, Tai. I shut down around her. And that’s not good, I know. But she’s my best friend.
“I’m your best friend. She’s…something else.”
“She’s the one who has never wanted to admit it.”
“Then you have to change that.”
“I’ve made up my mind, Tai. It’ll be up to her.”
“You’re painting…” Shauna breathes out when she gets through the door, completely exhausted.
Jackie is by the window, paint on her fingers, the canvas is mysteriously turned towards her so Shauna can’t see what she’s painting. But there’s a smile on Jackie’s face when she notices Shauna.
It had been a while since Jackie painted. For a moment, it actually seemed like it’d be something she could live off of. Her own art. But nobody bought the paintings after the first showing a couple years ago. And Jackie just went back to working at the gallery, selling other people’s paintings. And gave up on the paint and brushes.
A few of hers were on the apartment walls.
A self portrait.
Shauna.
Shauna.
Shauna.
“Come here…” Jackie murmurs, eyes going back to the canvas. Shauna smiles, taking her shoes and jacket off before sauntering over to Jackie. Her arms wrap around Jackie’s waist from behind, chin resting on her shoulder as she looks at the painting. It’s half finished.
“This is different.” She says gently. “Jac…”
“It’s probably dumb, right? I mean, the colors are all jumbled and it’s not exactly what I used to paint, not as figurative and maybe that’s what I-“
“It’s amazing.” She cuts her off and turning Jackie towards her. Jackie has that look of self doubt ever so present, vulnerable, like it’s a part of her soul she’s showing. “It’s amazing.” She repeats.
Jackie breathes out a soft sigh. “You think so?” She glances at it again.
“It’s so vivid. Alive, I think.” Shauna smiles. “I’m proud of you.” She places a kiss to her forehead and Jackie tears up, which just makes Shauna want to wrap her up and never let go.
“Fuck, sorry, I don’t know why I’m crying.” She laughs, sniffling. And Shauna shakes her head, caressing Jackie’s cheek. “I do, you’re right. It was really fucking hard two years ago. And now I think I want to keep doing this.”
With a grin, Shauna only nods her head and then places a kiss to Jackie’s lips. “I love you. And I can’t wait to see the finished product.”
Laughing softly, Jackie reaches up to wipe paint off Shauna’s forehead. “I must look like a mess.”
“You look perfect.”
It’s been four years of living together and Shauna thinks she could do this for the rest of her life if Jackie let her. It’s a home with her and it’s everything she’s ever wanted. And she knows it’s always lingering in the back of her mind, how it’s only in this bubble that things work.
Jackie still pretends it’s normal to kiss and it’s normal to fuck her and it’s normal to live with her like this without ever acknowledging what they are to each other. If Shauna was prepared to lose Jackie, she would’ve ended it already.
The biggest problem is that Jackie runs away whenever she finds the courage to question them. She gets angry and tells Shauna that it’s not who she is. And Shauna just crumbles and everything hurts when she leaves so whenever she comes back, it’s like coming up for air again.
The loop just never stops. The wheel never breaks. Unless Jackie wants it to break.
And Shauna hates herself for needing Jackie like that.
Sometimes they’re ok. Sometimes they’re not.
Over and over and over again.
“I think I’m leaving.” The words leave Shauna’s mouth as she watches Jackie putter around the room. She’s sitting on the bed, watching it happen.
Jackie’s wedding day.
“What?” She doesn’t stop, simply continues whatever she’s doing while Shauna is sitting making life altering decisions.
“I’m not going to the wedding, Jackie.”
She stops now. Turning to face her, brows furrowed, her expression turns into one Shauna recognizes. “Yes, you are.”
“I’m not.” She says with a finality that she can see makes Jackie falter. “I can’t. I can’t watch you get married, Jackie.”
She shakes her head, huffing. “You’re my maid of honor, Shauna. What the fuck does that mean?”
“It means I’m done.” She answers up front because she hasn’t slept and she doesn’t want to mess around and she’s been making this decision for months ever since Jackie told her she was getting married. “We’re done.”
She watches as it dawns on Jackie what she’s about to do, what she’s doing. Panic comes through to her and she’s crossing the room towards Shauna, but she pulls away. She needs to do it, she needs to end it. She’ll only destroy everything even more if she doesn’t.
“You can’t be serious.” Jackie says shakily.
“I am.” Shauna nods. “I’m going to take that job in London. You’re getting married. And I don’t want to pretend anymore.” The lump in her throat grows larger, her chest hurts.
“Pretend…Shauna, you’re my best friend.”
“No, I’m not. Friends don’t kiss each other. Friends don’t live together for seven years, sleeping in the same bed, living a life together. Best friends don’t cheat on their fiancé the day before their wedding. That’s a fucking relationship. That’s what we are. We were together.”
“We…”
“Unless you decided we weren’t. I love you. I’m in love with you. And I have been since high school or maybe before then. And I can’t keep doing this shit, over and over again. And I can’t watch you throw your life away to marry Jeff just because he’s a man and it’d be an easier life. I just can’t. It makes me sick.”
Shauna’s sobbing now, it all just pours out and Jackie can’t even get a word in. It’s like the past decade has just completely exploded inside her and is burning to get out of her.
“Fuck Jeff. And honestly, fuck you for just doing whatever you wanted with me and fuck me for letting you. I’m so tired…fuck, Jac, I’m so tired. You’re fucking cruel. And I hate that you can’t admit that you love me back or that you don’t love Jeff.”
“I do love you. You know that.” Jackie whispers brokenly.
“Yeah, well, it’s not enough. And I’m tired of being on the sidelines of your life so I’m out. I’m done.”
“No.” Jackie grabs her hand before she gets the chance to walk away from her. “Please.”
“Please what?” There’s a flare of anger that expands across Shauna’s chest. “Say it. Tell me what you want from me.”
“You. Here with me.”
“No. What do you want.” She challenges. “You wanna kiss me? You wanna fuck me? You wanna marry Jeff and have me all the same?”
“I don’t…Shauna, I can’t just. Everyone thinks that-“
“Everyone? Who? Your parents? Your fucking art world friends?” Shauna continues and Jackie’s heart is breaking and she can see it but she can’t stop now. Not when she’s spent so long holding this in. “They don’t know who you are. Because you’re insecure and ashamed of yourself and ashamed of me. And I get it, Jac. Being gay and having to come out? It shouldn’t be a thing, having to come out , but hey, it’s the real world! And you’re out here with Jeff and then you’re in my bed and you can’t have it all.”
“Shauna, they wouldn’t understand, they’d reject me and I’m not- it’s you. I just love you.”
She shakes her head. “It hurts too much.”
“Please.” Jackie comes closer, grabs her face starts kissing her, begging her to stay. “Be with me. I can’t live without you with me.”
“Then make a choice. Either keep pretending or don’t. Me or the image you want to project.”
Jackie is silent. Tears streaming down her face. Shauna waits. Jackie is silent. Shauna waits. And Jackie’s mother walks into the room, with the whole bridal parade.
“Let’s go, ladies! We have a wedding to get ready for!” She says, cheerful.
Shauna pulls away from Jackie.
Jackie watches her leave, without another word.
“Hey.” Jackie murmurs. It’s the first night in the apartment. And Jackie was meant to be in her room (it would later be turned into an office/painting room, Jackie never slept there.) but she was in Shauna’s bed. Her naked body is flush against Shauna’s, head on Shauna’s chest.
“Mmmh.” Shauna responds sleepily.
“What’s your future like?”
“What?”
“Like where do you see yourself in the future?” Jackie asks, with a small laugh.
There’s a moment of silence, then Shauna sighs.
“I don’t know, I find it anxiety inducing to think about it.”
“Of course you do.”
“You’re the girl with the plan, Jac.” Shauna smiles. “But I think you’ll always be with me anyway. In the future, I mean.”
“Of course I am, silly. You could never leave me even if you tried.”
“Such confidence.”
“Well, when I see my future, I see you.” Jackie confesses in a gentle voice, fingers caressing Shauna’s cheek. “Maybe in this apartment. Maybe somewhere else. We could get a dog. Or a cat. You might be too busy with being a best selling writer. And I might have to follow you around the world. But it’s always you I see.”
“A best selling writer? Then definitely not this apartment.” Shauna jokes.
“Fine. Then a big house. And the girls could come over for Christmas. Your mom can come too, obviously. We’ll host. And then we can have a big ass hot tub, maybe a pool.”
“I like the idea of you naked in tub with me.” Shauna smirks and flips them over so she’s on top of Jackie, pressing a kiss to her lips. Jackie laughs.
“You make me happy.” She says tenderly.
“You make me happy too, Jac.”
“Does he make you happy, Jackie?”
“I don’t know.”
“I’m happy.” She says with a smile. “With you. Always.”