Archive of Our Own ^beta

The Marauders had a new idea for a prank. It was supposed to be their big goodbye for the ending 6^th year. Because it was supposed to be their big thing this year, they needed months of planning.

The first step was to acquire the password for the Slytherin common room.

This was fairly easy. James simply took the invisibility cloak and followed a few Slytherin students down to the dungeons one afternoon.

The current password was Victoria de Gryffindor

They waited until Supper the next day. Every Slytherin student should have been in the great hall, giving James and Sirius the perfect opportunity to get familiar with the Slytherin commons.

They put the invisibility cloak over their heads just in case someone stayed behind or was running late.

The Slytherin commons were designed in green, silver, and black. It felt rich and aristocratic, in a cold, detached way. When James had imagined the Slytherin common room, he honestly imagined a dungeon. This wasn’t so different from the Gryffindor common room, just that it was less soft and homey. But maybe it appealed to Slytherins.

One wall of the room was made out of glass and gave a view of the black lake. Now, this was stunning. Frightening, but stunning.

The room seemed positively empty, short of a crackling fire and some mumbling portraits.

“I wouldn’t go any further if I were you,” a voice suddenly said from one of the dark leather couches near the fire.

James and Sirius looked at each other and quickly checked whether they were really covered from head to toe under the cloak.

The person stood up from the couch and looked directly at them. It was none other than Sirius’ brother, Regulus. He held a book in his pale hand, and his grey eyes seemed to be trained on them, although James was sure, he couldn’t see them.

“Well, come out now.”
James looked at Sirius, who shook his head.

Regulus sighed and then simply chucked the book at them. It hit James flat in the chest.

“Ow,” he cursed and pulled the cloak off, “What the hell, Regulus.”
“How did you know, we were here?” Sirius asked.

“You mean, how did I notice that the door to my common room opened, but no one seemed to come in? Your  shoes are very loud for one, and I know that smug strut of yours, Potter.”

James just rolled his eyes at that.
“Come on, Reggie, just act like you didn’t see us. We promise, to not do anything to your things.”
Regulus shook his head, “Forget it. You two knob heads are gonna leave now. And I will change the password later. Also, just so you know, we change that password every fortnight anyways. Last week it was Gryffindor peut sucer nos bites.”

“That doesn’t sound very Latin,” James noted.
“It’s French,” Sirius said, “It means Gryffindors can suck our dicks.”  
“In honour of our win against you, at the last match,” Regulus was happy to supply.

“How nice,” James said, “It sounds more like some of your housemates confuse their wet dreams with insults.”
Regulus awarded him with a half-smile.

“Piss off now. Or do I have to hex you?”
“Why aren’t you at supper anyways?”
“I was waiting for you, of course. I saw you two scheming idiots waiting near the door to the great hall with that cloak. We’re approaching the end of term; you are due for some daft new thing that is going to win Slytherin the house cup once more.”

“Ah, so you should be in favour of us doing this prank, little brother,” Sirius laughed.
“Not if my things are getting damaged in the process. Besides, we’re winning anyways.”

Sirius shrugged and put his arm around his little brother’s shoulder to guide him out of the room.
“Let’s go eat then, I’m starving. How is studying for your O.W.Ls going?”
“Good,” he simply said and looked back at Potter, who was still standing in the middle of the common room, “I hope you don’t think I’m that stupid, Potter. Move your ass, you big toddler.”

The two Gryffindors and Regulus left the Slytherin Commons and went up to supper. James kept his eyes trained on the younger Black brother during the entire meal.

The next time they tried to get into the common room, the password was changed and apparently, all Slytherins had been instructed to whisper the password, so James and Sirius weren’t able to catch it.

But James had a plan. With Regulus, they had a chance to gain an ally and a spy in their target group. James used the map to corner Regulus one evening, while he was on his Prefect rounds.

“Hello Reggie,” James said when he came out of his hiding spot.
“Don’t call me that.”
“Sirius calls you that.”
“Sirius is my brother. And even he mustn’t call me that, he just ignores my instructions.”

James nodded, “Where is your other Prefect?”
“The lazy cow is dodging work, as usual.”
“How un-Slytherin of her.”
“She said ‘work smarter, not harder. Why should two run around, when you can scare any wayward student on your own’ – I do not particularly like her anyways.”
“That does sound more like the spirits of your house though.”

“What are you doing here outside of curfew?”
“Living up to my reputation as a wayward student, of course. You should probably escort me back to Gryffindor Tower.”
Regulus nodded.

“Did I tell you, how proud Sirius was of you, when he heard you made Prefect?”
“He shouted it through the entire great hall, so I’m aware. Sometimes I think, I should have never started speaking to him again. He only became more dramatic since leaving home.”

James chuckled and nodded.

“You know, about the other day when you caught us in your common room. I was thinking… you are very observant.”
“And you like stating the obvious.”
“It is a very good quality. Very useful.”
“Again, obviously.”
“Maybe you should use it to help us though.”
“Ah, there we go. That might just be your dumbest idea yet, Potter. Why would I help you pulling a prank on my own house?”

James stopped walking and leaned over to him with a smirk.

“Well, one, Gryffindor is going to lose house points if anyone, which works in your favour. Two, you could use some fun. And three, dear Reggie,” he lowered his voice and pushed a dark curl out of Regulus’ face and tucked it behind his ear, “You, too, enjoy Chaos.”

“Oh, do I?” Regulus whispered with a sly smile.

“Oh yes, breaking the rules excites you as much as Sirius and me. You must be so tired of playing the perfect Black Heir for your family. Imagine, wreaking havoc and no one has any idea, you had a hand in it. Imagine sitting in the middle of that chaos, watching everyone go crazy, while you remain in control and can just enjoy.”

Regulus licked his lips, and James watched.

Regulus leaned in and whispered: “Cela semble fantastique. Mais il devrait t'être interdit de m'exciter pour obtenir ce que tu veux.”

“I have no idea what that means, but I like the way it sounds.”
“Of course, you monolingual Twit,” Regulus said with a smirk, “What do you want me to do?”

“Just give us the new passwords and tell us, when the least number of students are there. We make sure to leave your things alone and tell you when to expect something.”

“That is all?”
“For now.”
“Easy enough to not be caught. I am in. We change the password tomorrow again. I will send you a note.”

James grinned and put his finger underneath Regulus’ chin, lifting his head a bit, and looking down into his grey eyes.
“We are going to have so much fun.”

Playful smiles and looks passed between them, which turned into a small staring contest.

“Someone’s coming,” Regulus whispered eventually. James looked away from him and along the corridor. He could hear footsteps around the corner.
“We probably shouldn’t be seen together if we work together.”
“Probably not.”
“Unfortunate, I looked forward to being escorted all the way to the tower by you,” he stepped away from Regulus, “I will see you at breakfast. Good night.”
“Good night, Potter.”

James stopped after a few steps and turned around to him again, “Oh, and Reggie, you look exceptionally good this evening.” He winked and left. At the other end of the corridor, the Hufflepuff Prefects rounded the corner.

The next morning at Breakfast, the owl post arrived. A letter was dropped in front of James. James opened it confused. It was entirely written in French.

At the bottom it was signed:

- R.A.B “ linguas argenteas “

James smirked and leaned over to Sirius, “Guess who just got the new password for the Snakes’ common room.”
“What? How?” Sirius reached for the letter, but James held it away from him.
“That’s my secret.”

James carefully tucked the letter into his uniform.
“Pads, you have to teach me some French at some point.”
“Why?”
“Personal reasons.”
“Personal reasons? Since when do you have anything personal that you don’t tell me about?”
“I have lots of personal things I don’t tell you about. They’re just so personal that you don’t know about them.”

Sirius looked at Remus, “Mooney, back me up here, that’s not true right?”
“You even know when the other one takes a shit, so no. James is definitely hiding something.”
“I would never have a secret from you, Prongs, do you not honour our friendship anymore? Our brotherly bond?” Sirius complained.

“You are being dramatic, both of you.”
Remus smiled into his cup of tea.

“Just tell me, Jamesy. You know I hate secrets between us.”
“That’s true,” Remus said, “I’m surprised he doesn’t run to you every time we kiss.”
“Oh, he does,” James nodded, “I get a nightly update on that. No matter if I want it or not. And most of the time I really, really don’t. There are just too many details.”

Sirius just shook his head at Remus and then glared at James.
“Fine, learn French by yourself then.”

“Maybe I can help you,” Remus offered, “I’ve caught some key phrases from him.”
“Traitor.”
“Love you, too.”

“How do you tell someone, they’re hot in French?”
Remus smiled; he knew that one very well.
“Tu es si sexy.”
“Just because you switch languages doesn’t mean Evans is gonna be into you all of a sudden” Sirius said.
“I already told you, I’m over Evans. I’m not 13 anymore, things change.”

About one and a half weeks later, James accidentally ran into Regulus during his Prefect rounds again.

“Hey Reggie. Your other Prefect being lazy again?”
“Yes, when you do your prank, target her dorm, will you?”
“Gladly. Although I don’t mind meeting you like this. Wouldn’t be possible without her laziness.”

They started walking in the direction of Gryffindor Tower right away.

“Tomorrow it’s going down.”
“Are you going to tell me what it is?”
“No” James grinned, “You’ll see, it’s funny.”
“But you have the humour of a 12-year-old.”
“You’ll like it.”

“Alright, but if I get some weird slime or anything on me or my things, I will hex your useless little head off.”
“No slime, I promise. Not yet, at the very least.”
“Yet?”
“You’ll see,” James winked at him.

“Salazar what did I get myself into,” Regulus mumbled.
“Fun, Reggie, fun and chaos. And you right in the middle of it, untouched and unharmed – the Master of It all.”  

“Master of it all? I gave you a password.”
“You were essential. Without the password, it wouldn’t be possible to go through with it.”

“Well, good that you got me then.”
“I hope you will stay on our side afterwards.”
“Because I will be useful in the future, I suppose.”

James smiled, “So, that’s how you want to play, huh?”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
James grinned, took the boy's wrist, and then crowded him against the wall of the corridor.
“Alright. I’ll spell it out for you. You fascinate me, Regulus Black. And I want us to be closer.”

Regulus smiled. His face was only a breath away from him. His lips looked remarkably kissable at that moment. Regulus licked his lips and James wasn’t sure whether he could restrain himself for a moment.

Regulus freed his wrist out of James’ grip and then moved James’ hand on his hip while placing his own palm against James’ neck.

James leaned down to him, determined to finally kiss this boy. But Regulus whispered “No” at the last moment and James stopped.
“You promised me Chaos first, James.”

James grinned, “Of course. You’re right. But if you’re satisfied with tomorrow… I could find you.”
“If it all works out the way you promised,” Regulus had both arms around James’ neck now and was running his fingers along his black hair, “Alors tu peux m'embrasser et me baiser autant que tu veux.”

“I really need to learn French,” James mumbled. He felt the breath from Regulus’ chuckle on his face.
“If you understood what I was saying, I wouldn’t say it. But I speak four languages, I will just keep switching until you don’t understand me anymore.”

“You’re mean, absolutely cruel,” James said smiling, “Why is that working for me?”
“I don’t know, you’re really weird sometimes.”

James laughed and leaned his forehead against Regulus’
James stepped away from him, “I should probably go. See you tomorrow, yes?”
Regulus nodded.

“Oh, and tu es si sexy,” James said, and Regulus laughed openly.
“Your accent is horrible, but I appreciate the sentiment.”
James grinned, waved, and left.

The next afternoon, Regulus sat on the couch in front of the fireplace. When he had come back from classes today, big bowls with chocolate frogs were placed on all the tables. Regulus had a slight suspicion regarding who put them there and kept his hands off them.

He watched with interest when a second-year student reached for one of the frogs and unwrapped him. It seemed like a normal chocolate frog. The child talked to their friend and put the frog’s head into their mouth.

Suddenly the other kid squealed in disgust. The chocolate frog had turned into a real frog. As if on cue, all the frogs in all the bowls, turned into real-life, slimy, green frogs. The Slytherin students stared shocked and confused at the animals.

In unison, the frogs leapt from their tables and started jumping into the faces of students. They jumped on their heads and their things and dragged their long tongues across the student’s cheeks.

Chaos ensued.

Students started jumping up and down, screaming and squealing, books were thrown about, and hexes were flung around the room.

Regulus sat in the middle of it all, watching, drinking tea. A Frog stuck to the perfect girl’s face. Lucius Malfoy stood on a table, screaming, and kicking about. Snape was chased by an army of frogs. Regulus was untouched by all of it.

It was glorious.

Regulus looked around and noticed one frog sitting on the armrest of the couch and looking at him. The frog was about to make a noise, but where Regulus expected a croak, he got a lion’s roar.

On cue, all of the small frogs in the room started roaring back.

“Bloody Gryffindors!” someone was shouting now.

And Regulus laughed.

Slughorn, the prefects and head students needed hours to magically collect all the frogs and put them near the black lake. The students were cursing the entire time. They swore revenge on the Gryffindors, forming plans to throw the Marauders into the Black Lake.

Regulus could just smile the entire time.

In the Great Hall, a new Chaos broke out, when the traumatised Slytherin students closed in on the Gryffindors, especially the Marauders, and threatened to hex them.

After supper, Regulus ran upstairs to the Gryffindor tower and waited one corner away from the portrait hole for James to find him.

“Hey Reggie.”
Regulus smiled at Potter, who had the smuggest smile on his lips.

“How was it?”
“Glorious,” Regulus said and pulled him to him by his robes, “The best thing I’ve seen since Sirius got drunk and told our cousins’ secrets at Christmas Dinner two years ago.”

James grinned, “I wish I could have been there. You have to tell us all the highlights… later.”
James put his hands on Regulus’ hips and leaned in.

“Although…”
“You’re killing me,” James mumbled.
“For your big prank for the end of the year it was kind of small, wasn’t it?”

James chuckled, “Oh Reggie, oh love, no you got us all wrong. You’re so innocent.”
James curled a finger around a strand of Regulus’ dark hair.
“That was only Part 1. Now everyone thinks, we’re done for the year, when really, the big finale is yet to come.”

Regulus wrapped his arms around James’ neck, “Oh yeah? Is it going to be an even bigger chaos?”
“You have no idea,” he mumbled and ran his hand along Regulus’ body, “No one will get away, not even the teachers.”

Regulus had one hand in James’ hair and slipped the fingers of his other hand into the collar of his shirt, “They’re gonna expel you.”
“They will not be able to prove it was us,” James’ breath ghosted over Regulus’ cheek, “It will be grand and explosive and disgusting and hilarious. You’re going to have the time of your life.”

Regulus licked his lips. He pulled him down to him and finally kissed him properly. It was hot and passionate and desperate. James’ warm hands ran over his body, groping, and pushing their bodies together.

This would be worth getting expelled over. James thought and smiled before deepening the kiss even more. Regulus’ lips parted underneath his own.

James wanted to memorize every inch of Regulus underneath his hands, he wanted to memorize his taste and the feeling of his lips and the softness of his hair. James was feeling hot all over. He had goosebumps on his arms while digging his fingertips into Regulus’ uniform. Regulus’ hand was in his hair and on his neck, touching the skin underneath his shirt collar. He wanted Regulus' fingers everywhere on his body.

A little roar from the floor made James pull away from Regulus. He looked at the ground confused. Next to Regulus stood a high jar covered with a cloth, in which multiple holes were cut. Inside of the jar sat one of the frogs from the Slytherin common room.

Regulus chuckled, “I wanted to keep him. I call him Potter the second.”
James laughed and pecked his lips again.

“We probably shouldn’t be doing this in the open anyways. If you want to see real chaos, wait until your drama queen of a brother finds out about this.”
Regulus grinned and kissed his jawline, “He’s going to throw things at you, probably. It’s going to be fun.”

“Do you… want to come up to my dorm with me?”
Regulus smirked, “Sure.”

A few people turned their heads when the Slytherin entered the Gryffindor common room. They quickly went upstairs; Regulus carried the jar with Potter II.

Unfortunately, the dorm room was anything but empty.

“Reggie, what are you doing here?” Sirius asked. He was cuddled into Remus, who was reading quietly.

Regulus looked up at James, who simply smiled.

“May I introduce, the new main look out and Slytherin Spy for the Marauders.”
Regulus smirked and shook his head.

“Great, mother is gonna end up being right, I do have a bad influence on you,” Sirius laughed brightly.
“No, she is going to be right about James having a bad influence on the both of us.”

Remus looked up from his book and looked from one boy to the other, then he smirked and kept reading.

“Okay… so, Regulus wanted to tell us all the details of how our prank went down… right, Reg?”
“Yes, right,” Regulus chuckled and then started telling them about Malfoy and Snape and the others, about the chaos they had created and how beautiful it had been.

On the last day before going home, the great hall was decked out in Green and Silver.

The feast for the end of the year began.

Regulus still didn’t know what would happen exactly. James liked to keep him in the dark, to surprise him in the end. He had been the lookout for most of the preparations though. He knew it had something to do with the kitchens and the food. He had a vague idea about what might happen and had an umbrella spell at hand.

Barty Crouch Jr and Evan Rosier were digging into their food, so was the rest of the student body. Regulus regarded the food suspiciously for a minute, before also making himself a plate.

After about twenty minutes, Regulus heard a low bubbling sound from the table. Barty and Evan didn’t seem to notice. Regulus looked around and his eyes fell on a pumpkin pie. He could swear, the sound emanated from there … and something was moving underneath the surface.

Regulus looked over to the Gryffindor table. James caught his eye and smirked at him. Regulus smiled and leaned back from the table a little bit.

Regulus’ fingers were trembling with anticipation. His heart was beating faster while he concentrated his senses on the bubbling pastry. He could practically taste James’ lips on his in the expectation of chaos.

Multiple mild explosions went off on all the tables.

Pies and puddings were shredded apart and flew through the entire great hall. Screaming and squealing ensued. Custard and Filling were flung through the hall, landing in the faces and hair of students of all houses. Students jumped up, but it was too late. One after another, more and more pastries and other food started exploding and landing everywhere, on everyone.

Barty had Pumpkin pie in his hair and Evan's face and hands were covered in chocolate pudding. Regulus himself had pumpkin filling on his robes and probably in his hair, but he didn’t even mind.

He looked around: Even Dumbledore was cleaning something from his glasses, smiling underneath his beard. Regulus’ cousins were smudging their make-up while trying to wipe custard off their faces, Malfoy was screaming “It’s in my hair! Cissy get it out!”

Severus Snape had stayed surprisingly clean. He was glaring over to the Gryffindor table. He then leaned over to Regulus, who was sitting two students over, when he noticed him staring.

“That was your traitor of a brother and his useless friends again, weren’t they?”

Regulus had no idea how this half-blood had the gull to call Sirius a traitor – which everyone at this table knew meant blood traitor – but he sure as hell wouldn’t let it stand. Especially since one of those useless friends was his boyfriend.

Regulus quietly moved his wand and remnants of a cream pie landed in Snape’s face.

Some students at the table started laughing now and Regulus was laughing the loudest. A young Slytherin girl grabbed a muffin and crumbled it on her friend’s head. A boy took a piece of pie crust and chucked it at someone at another table.

More and more students all over the great hall started taking up food and throwing it at other people while laughing and screaming. Regulus heard the other prefects and teachers trying to calm them down, but it was no use.

It was absolute chaos.

Regulus was laughing and watching. He and Barty dunked cold soup over their head boy and were attacked by flying sausages.

Regulus abandoned his Slytherin robe and climbed over the tables and benches until he reached the Gryffindors. Sirius was covered in chocolate and James had Spaghetti in his hair. Regulus was still laughing wholeheartedly when he reached him.

“Hey, Reggie, how do you like it?” James had to shout against the yelling and laughing in the hall.
“Bloody loving it.”
“Enough Chaos?”
“Yes, this is perfect,” he grinned and put his hands on James’ shoulders, “You should kiss me.”

James looked around, “Here? In front of everyone?”
“Yes!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes!”

James laughed, then wrapped his arms around him so enthusiastically, that he almost picked him up, and kissed him on the mouth.

Regulus felt tingly all over, the mix of the chaos, the fun, being covered in food, and disrespecting the head boy, and all his warm and fuzzy and horny feelings for James made him feel like he was perfectly drunk.

Something that might have been pie once landed on James’ face, interrupting them ever so rudely.

Sirius was standing across from them with a bewildered expression on his chocolate-smeared face.

“What the fuck, James!”

And Regulus laughed even harder.

Knowing, at home he could only expect boredom, rules, howlers, curses and bigotry, Regulus did not go back to Grimmauld Place that summer. He stayed with James instead. Sirius alternated between being happy for Regulus and mad at James every other week.

Half of the student body started the next school year with two months of detention but for Regulus, it had been worth every single day.