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Wade has a huge confession to make and it is that he tries very, VERY, hard to be normal. Most of the time he doesn't put too much effort since it drains him but for Steven and Marc, he felt like he had to put in the effort more than ever. They needed him to be their solid cock- Hm, nope. Rock. Come on, focus.
But there are days where Wade just can't.
He calls them bad brain days, and like a storm he can sense them coming but cannot prepare for them well enough. It has been pretty great for a while, despite Jake not liking him, shutting down, and avoiding him; Marc and Steven hang out with him enough to distract him. Marc likes video games so Wade left his Playstation 5 at his place and they cuddle while playing video games. Steven likes movies, mostly historical documentaries and Wade watches them even though he finds them incredibly boring but naps with his head in Steven's lap while Steven pets him. It's all very domestic shit as Wade took less jobs that sent him away for weeks on end to just be around them. They had a schedule set and everything!
Everything was working out.
Everything was great.
Which made sense he felt the dark clouds looming closer and closer. It was just a matter of time.
He noticed it first when playing Call of Duty with Marc. It wasn't bringing as much joy, he was doing worse than normal, and dying in the game actually made him upset. He played it off as being tired but being tired a few days in a row was getting a little suspicious. He gave Marc a few games to play so he can watch, half lying that he was interested in playing it but wants to cuddle and watch instead. He does enjoy cuddling. Marc laid down on the couch with Wade on top of him like a sloth as Marc played whatever game it was he was playing and Wade just enjoyed feeling the warmth of him. Wade knew there was only so much time left.
Once he lost interest in things, that's when everything turned fuzzy. Wade normally never felt real to begin with, knowing you're a fictional character does that, but the essential dread that coated his brain during the really bad days was something he couldn't shake off. He wished he could. Dissociating for what he thinks is hours on end could just be a few minutes and sometimes the opposite happens, it feels like minutes but in a blink of an eye it has been hours. He countered this with Steven and Marc being busy and he just watches them do whatever, it was easier to trick Marc, as much as Wade hated to say, as he would get engrossed in whatever Wade picked for him. Steven was a bit harder, he had to know something was wrong when Wade would blink at him confused when Steven would look at him. But the fuzziness would just take over and fog him down.
And then there was being alone with your thoughts. That really fucked with Wade.
And that’s how he knew it was going to be bad.
See, normally having the voices there talking and saying mean or weird things was actually what kept him grounded. It has become a mundane thing in his life for as long as his shitty memory can remember. Not having them there was the worst. It reminded him of Weapon X, when he was at his lowest point.
No voices means that he was alone.
Logically Wade knew he wasn’t. He could text Marc or Steven, he could just show up and sit with either of them, or he can go to Sister Margaret's and interact with anyone there. He knows that. But a small part in his brain told him that it was a lie. He was alone. No voices just confirms he is all alone as he just existed with his own thoughts.
The illogical part of his brain amplifies that him being alone at this moment means no one cares about him and he is alone forever. Everyone he cares about is dead, everyone he cares about will die. He's destined to suffer all alone. Maybe in another universe he was meant to be happy but this one, nope. The only one that cares about him is Death and she can't even keep him. Wade knows he's a fuck up, everything he does gets twisted and messed up. That's why no one cares about him because he can't do anything right. He was just the guy that makes people laugh. The guy everyone reads about cause they want to feel good seeing a completely fuck up get shot up and chopped up and fail .
And that’s how he got to this point, just laying curled on his side in bed with his brain all fuzzy like it’s stuck in channel three and some old person cannot figure out how to get the Dreamcast to display. He was numb but not numb enough to feel the pressure behind his eyes from wanting to cry but not wanting to cry cause there was no reason to cry. There was absolutely no reason for any of this. He flopped to his back, covering his face with his elbow. Wade thought about killing himself, a nice hard reset was what the doctor ordered. But he would need to prepare for that and he didn't feel like doing any of that. He promised himself a long time ago no more suicides in the bedroom, buying a new bed was annoying, and clean up is just go much easier in the bathroom. And getting up to do anything was a hard no.
“Maybe I should order tacos.” Wade mumbled out loud, hoping someone would answer but he was met with silence. He frowned.
Wade wasn’t sure when he passed out, or if he was just zoning out hardcore, but hearing a series of knocks on his door jolted him to be alert, he felt fuzzy and groggy. He half wondered if he did end up ordering those tacos or maybe it was a dream. The knocks kept happening. Groaning, Wade got up, pulling the hood up of his hoodie to cover most of his face to not scare whoever woke him up and hoped it was Uber Eats with some Mexican food.
He blinked.
It was Steven. Well, he was pretty sure it was Steven due to how his hair was styled and how mousy Steven acts compared to the other two. Jake would no way in hell visit on his own accord, Wade was very sure of that. And Marc… He was pretty sure Marc liked him for sex and his PS5 more than anything else. No that's not true, Marc likes him enough to let him comfort him. Unless it was a trick or, you know, to keep Steven happy... Steven, though… Steven was a gentle and kind soul, way too good for Wade, and he knew it and was waiting for the other shoe to drop for the British alter to come to his senses and drop him. Wade knew he was gonna mess up, mix the alters up somehow even though they don't sound alike but they do sound alike…? Sort of like triplets minus the possibilities of a sexy foursome that he has seen in so many hentais. He thought he was doing well but it was bound to happen and Steven will then be sad and then Jake will rip his spine out of his ass. Being fisted is only fun when it's just a fist going in and out, no spine surgery included. Plus he wasn't really in the mood to regrow a spine again.
“Hey…” Wade trailed off before he can say a name, deciding it was best to forgo it in case he fucks up but he was certain it was Steven. But there was a bigger question on his mind than which guy is fronting: “How did you find this place?” He frowned, confused.
“Jake.” Steven said with a smile. Now that was a surprise. Jake was willing to track Wade down, not that it was hard but knowing Jake did it was something was still wow. “I may have guilted him into finding your place since he was very rude to you.” Steven flushed, “I mean, I didn’t listen in when Jake takes over but he has been extra grumpy so I can only imagine.”
Wade kept frowning, leaning on the doorframe with his arms crossed over his chest. “Don’t worry about it, my mouth goes faster than my brain and I am bound to make someone upset in less than five hundred words.” He shrugged. Steven’s brows furrowed and he frowned. Wade took that as confusion. “I mean, like…” He gave a nervous chuckle, “Comparing people to their actor is a bit weird and can be very upsetting even if the actor is super hot. Oscar Isaac? Fucking hot, again not in Sucker Punch. I mean, he was okay but that mustache was weird… Chris Evans, God bless America for making that man do squats for Endgame. Hell, even Natalie Portman bulked up to be Lady Thor! Literally the best time to be pansexual!” Steven looked more confused. “Anyways, what I am saying is that everyone just gets weirded out by me and it’s not always cause I am a living zombie.”
“Wade, are you okay?” Steven asked, placing his hand on the other’s biceps.
“Of course I am.” Wade reflectively answered as he tensed up to Steven's touch, “Why wouldn’t I be?” It came out a bit defensively which made him inwardly curse at himself for being an idiot.
"You just don't seem like yourself the last few days." Steven dropped his hand, noticing that Wade was still tensed to his touch. Once he dropped his hand, the merc seemed to relax a tad.
Well, fuck.
"Marc noticed it and he said not to say anything; that you would know to come to us if you need anything…" Steven bit his lips, "But I want to make sure you know."
Realistically, Wade had a feeling that he could go to them. Steven would make more sense since he seems to be the more emotionally available one to talk about feelings but Marc would do a great job distracting him. But it wouldn’t be fair of him to go to them. He hated knowing that he's making them worry. Wade felt like he always had to be the fun guy to be around with, the fool so everyone was happy to see him despite being a total fuck up . People barely wanted to be around him when he thought he was being the fun guy, why would anyone want to be around him when he’s the sad guy? God, I can’t believe I actually miss those fucking voices… How am I supposed to know if those jokes landed? "I'm fine." That did not sound convincing, with his voice strained like he was gonna choke on the air passing through his lungs. "Just gotta do a little hard reset." He joked, giving a small humorless laugh.
"What does that mean?" Steven frowned and, goddamn, Wade hated seeing him frown.
"Uhhhhh… Sleep?" That sounds even less convincing than saying he was fine, Wade even flinched.
" Wade. " That sterner voice sounded less than Steven and more Marc but the accent was still British.
"I'm okay! Sheesh." Wade sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm just a little tired, sometimes it's hard to sleep." God, that was a lie, all he has been doing is sleeping.
"I'm staying over." Again, stern Steven was very good. Wade knew he would have to save that for later. Maybe once his head gets less slow and he can think with his dick again, it would be nice to see Steven be more dominant.
"Oookay…" Wade pushed himself from the doorframe, watching Steven walk in before shutting the door. "I don't have much for food, I was thinking tacos." He shrugged, moving to his torn up couch to sit down with a sigh. "Not like Taco Bell, all their food tastes the same, like, gotta get that fake Mexican food craving out sometimes but I'm in the mood for real tacos. No addons!" He pulled his phone from the hoodie pocket and brought up the app. "Unless you want stuff but I really enjoy them with nothing extra. Hopefully you can eat cilantro! They make some kick ass veggie tacos, want four of them?"
He glanced up to see Steven looking at him, more like inspecting him before he gave a soft smile. “I would like that.”
Wade grinned, ordering the food.
Steven sat down next to him and they were surrounded in an awkward silence.
And this is where Wade felt like this wasn’t going to work out. They were too different, they say opposites attract but what is gonna hold them together? Even people he was with before that were similar to him didn’t last long. Wade knew there was something wrong with him, something broke and off. He can’t be fixed. He doesn’t even know how to fix himself because he knows everything is broken. What do you do when something is completely unfixable? You replace it. Wade thought with a sigh, letting himself slouch next to Steven and rest his head on his shoulder while closing his eyes. I’ll be a little selfish and keep them til they notice it’s time to go.
"Wade," Steven nudged him with a soft voice, "Do you wanna talk about it?"
Wade tensed up. Talking about it was not good, very not good. "Not really." He muttered because how the hell was he going to complain about his life when realistically it’s not even that bad. He’s surviving it, he can survive anything, even if he doesn’t want to. “Writer is taking it out on me cause his life is just a shit show, you know how fanfic writers can be, if it isn’t hardcore porn it’s about hardcore feelings.” He sighed, “Plus anyone that thinks my characterization is something to kin needs a new therapist.”
Steven hummed, “Is that the voices talking?”
Wade sat up, making eye contact with Steven. “What? No, they’re gone for now.” Steven frowned which caused Wade to frown. He doesn't like seeing him like this. "It's good that they're gone." He lies yet again, forcing a smile out. "Means I'm normal." He almost winced at that, Wade knew it came out wrong.
“I think,” Steven moved to face Wade better, taking his face into his hands and cressing his scarred up face. Wade flinched at first but the other didn’t stop the soft touches. “You are being too hard on yourself. Everyone has it rough, but we don’t have to be alone about it. It doesn’t matter what gods or writers have a say in, you just gotta reach out.” Steven pressed their foreheads together, "And if you are having a hard time reaching out, I'll still be here."
Wade let out a small laugh, closing his eyes. "Fuck, I really don't deserve you."
"Of course you do." He pressed a kiss to Wade's cheek.
"This shouldn’t have happened." He let out a sigh, but moved in to hug Steven, pushing the man back to snuggle onto him.
“Well, I’m glad it did.” Steven let out a soft smile, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead. “You’re gonna be okay.”
Food came and was consumed quickly, Wade was content with everything. He still felt like a shell of himself but at least he wasn’t alone.