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Saori awoke to a gentle hand jostling her. She had only fallen asleep a half hour ago, and when she rolled over to see who was waking her at this hour she was surprised to see her sister.
"Hey, Saori~" Kaori says, grinning as she stands there, outlined by the moonlight filtering in from the window. "You're free right now, right? Wanna come play?"
Saori had no idea what to expect as her sister led her downstairs, then outside and onto her motorcycle. For most of Saori's life, the sister whose waist she held tight as they rocketed through the night was a distant figure, someone Saori saw only in the in-between moments after Kaori had finished one activity and before she left to do another. Kaori's lifestyle was so different from Saori's baby shut-in way of life (the poor girl was incredibly shy at the age of eleven) that Saori had almost believed Kaori had forgotten she existed.
Now this same near-stranger was whisking her away to who-knows-where for who-knows-why.
When they finally came to a stop, it was outside of a multi-story apartment building. A single suite had its lights on, a lone beacon in the dark of near-midnight. Kaori pointed to it.
"Right up there is where we're headed."
"Isn't it a bit late for us to be playing?" Saori asked. The potential double meaning didn't occur to her until later. "What's this about, Kaori-nee-san?"
"Life's too short to worry about stuff like that." Kaori said. The hint of sadness in her voice was wiped away as she continued, "I know I do a lot of sports and outdoor activities that you aren't interested in, Saori. But I'm not just interested in those. I want to try everything before I die, and right up there is a little paradise I've put together for that purpose."
"I don't understand." Saori shook her head. "What does that have to do with me?"
"Well, you're not really the sporty type." Kaori shrugged. "While I've been building up my body, we haven't really been spending time together. But now that I'm doing stuff that's more your speed, we can finally hang out! Come on, you're gonna love it!"
She took Saori firmly by the hand and led her inside, heading straight for the elevator.
"I can't wait to show off my cute little sister~!"
–
Kaori wakes in the bedroom of the hotel suite she is temporarily staying in while she finds a new house here in Japan. She has a mild headache, which is not a surprise considering the amount of drinking she ended up doing last night once the topic of little sisters started getting heavy. Kanata is in bed with her, arms wrapped around her middle, which is adorable if maybe something she'll need to apologize to Sanada for later.
…Nah, Sanada knows the score there.
She slowly and carefully extricates herself so as not to wake her friend before leaving the bedroom to find some water and some painkillers.
The living area is a mess, cans and empty food containers scattered haphazardly. On the couch she finds Jill and her little sister, cuddled up and still fast asleep. The sister's friends are probably still in the other bedroom where the blonde one dragged the other after she drank a single beer. Probably her first.
Poor girl has sister troubles something bad, even if Kaori never did get the details on that.
Kaori's eyes linger on Jill and Salia. Why is it that Jill was able to be apart from her sister for so long and yet the two of them made up? Kaori tried reaching out, but never made any progress. Is it just that Salia already loved Jill? Is it just that Saori never cared about Kaori in the first place?
It can't just be about shared interests. That was what Kaori tried and it fell flat completely. That, and Kanata is finally spending time with her own little sister who hates basically all of Kanata's interests. But that's because her little sister needs something from her after their parents kicked her out.
Are good sibling relationships just built on dependence, then? Did she never have a chance with Saori because Saori has never needed her?
She fills a cup at the sink and downs a pair of pills before pulling out a shopping bag to start collecting debris. Kaori doesn't usually drink this much, and only so much of it can be chalked up to celebration.
A noise starts in the other bedroom. Sounds like Salia's friends are awake. Also sounds like they're arguing.
Kaori doesn't mean to listen in, she just happens to be close to the door when she hears, "She isn't just some random middle schooler! I can't 'go for her', Ange!"
"I don't care what she is! Whatever it is that's bothering you, the two of you can-"
"She's my sister!"
Oh.
Oh, holy shit!
That explains a lot. No wonder she was willing to break underage drinking laws over her sister issues if this is what those issues are. Almost makes Kaori's issues seem minor.
Almost. They still hurt though.
Better not to keep listening in. This is way too much information for Kaori to know about a stranger, even if that stranger is one of Saori's friends.
Does Saori know? Is Saori the kind of friend who can be told these things?
It's not like Kaori would know. She barely knew what kind of girl Saori was before she left. Who knows what kind of girl she is now.
"As a matter of fact, the only time I've ever seen you like this is when your sister first stopped talking to you." Kaori can still hear their voices. "She is the only person you love so much it hurts you this badly."
It sounds like the blonde one is… encouraging her friend to date her sister?
"Alright. So being in love with her doesn't make me a budding predator. What exactly am I supposed to do about it?"
Yeah. What is she supposed to do about it? Kaori leans closer.
" Talk to her. Tell her how you feel. Find out how she feels. Find out what she wants to do about all this. Don't just make her decisions for her and suffer in loud silence like that's some noble thing to do."
…Huh.
Is that what Kaori's doing? Suffering in silence?
Well, obviously not silence. She got pretty whiny about it last night. Even more than the girl who is apparently romantically in love with her little sis.
But she is suffering. And she hasn't tried reaching out to Saori since her twentieth birthday, the last time they spoke to each other. It was a confrontation of sorts, but they didn't actually hash anything out.
They just… hurt each other.
Kaori moves deliberately to the other side of the room. She can't keep listening in on this, she just plain can't.
Instead, she keeps herself busy with the cleaning. She keeps it up until the two girls in the bedroom finally exit, looking a bit sheepish. Apparently it was a good talk since the girl who's in love with her sister isn't looking quite as miserable anymore.
Kaori flashes her a half-smile. "You two sleep alright?"
She grimaces. "Could've been better. I have a wicked headache."
Kaori motions with her head. "There's Tylenol in the kitchen. If you chew it up, it'll work faster."
She leaves them to it, then finds her phone charging at a nearby outlet. A good thing to keep track of.
When she turns it on, though, she discovers Kanata sent her a text before bed last night.
Here's Saori's phone number if you need it. I've been holding onto it for you, just in case.
Kaori stares at the digits that follow. She glances at the blonde girl for a moment, the one who was urging her friend to actually talk to her sister.
Maybe Kaori should take that advice too.
–
Kaori grinned when she saw the limo pull up to the driveway. She hadn't seen her sister in two years, easily the worst two years of her life. All the doctors and the treatments and the man she doesn't love. All for this. For her twentieth birthday, alive and well.
Things were going to be okay now. And it was going to start with her little sister.
She opened the door wide with a "Hey, sis! How was your flight?"
Saori had grown since she last saw her. They were about the same height now. Despite this, Saori was still as cute as ever.
The look of wary consternation on her face was worrying though.
"Why did you invite me here?" Saori asked as she stepped inside.
"To celebrate, obviously!" Kaori didn't let her smile dim. "Can you believe it? I made it to twenty! And there's no one I want to share that with more than my adorable little sister."
"What about Pretty Garden?" Saori advanced on her, the frown on her face deepening. "Hoshino, Sanada, Jill, Kanata?"
Kaori chuckled. "I mean, yeah, they're my friends, but come on. The circle was never more important than-"
She's silenced by a loud smack and a stinging pain in her cheek.
Saori looks at her not just with anger, but with actual contempt. "It was such a fun circle! And ever since you left, people stopped coming. Now I'm all alone again!"
She doesn't care.
Kaori put a hand to her cheek. She was surprised how much force her little sister could put behind her smacks.
She doesn't care if I live or die. All she cares about is that she can't piggyback off my friendships anymore.
"Well, that's obvious isn't it?" Kaori felt the venom in her words before she realized it was there. "Those are my friends. Of course they're not gonna stick around to play with you if I'm gone."
Saori's eyes widen and Kaori can see that her words hurt. She knows she should stop, but the pain in her own heart drives her to twist the knife.
"You never did anything for that circle. You just sat quietly in the corner like a decoration. Maybe if you had bothered to connect with anyone they'd still be around."
Tears filled Saori's eyes as she stiffened and for a moment Kaori expected another slap. Instead, Saori hid her crying eyes, turning and running out the door.
Kaori stepped forward, for a second wanting to stop her. To apologize. To try again. But Saori was gone.
Slowly, Kaori lowered her outstretched hand.
It wouldn't make a difference. Saori doesn't care about her. And there's nothing she can do about it now.
–
Saori wishes she was wearing her glasses.
No, that isn't quite right. Saori wishes she didn't feel so anxious when she wasn't wearing her glasses. But she made the decision that this was something she wanted to do in her true form. This is something Makishima Saori must do, not Saori Bajeena.
She makes her way to the private table in the back where her sister is waiting for her. She only just found out Kaori was back in Japan. In all honesty, she had expected never to see her again.
Kaori rises from the table to greet her. "You came! I almost thought you weren't going to." She moves around to get Saori's chair for her. "You got tall, little sis."
Saori takes her seat. "I wasn't sure if I should believe it when you said you wanted to make up. But if you mean it I don't want to be as difficult as my friend's little sister was. I'm willing to give this a chance."
"I'm glad." Kaori sits back down. "I… think I met that friend of yours. Unless it was another one. I heard your circle is doing well."
Saori nods. "It is. We're planning to put a book out for the next summer Comiket, if we can come to a decision between Madoka Magica and Maschera. We might not make it in time."
"That's good." Kaori catches herself. "Not that you might not make it, I mean. But that you have friends. I was worried when I left that you'd be alone. Guess I didn't need to worry about you, huh?"
Saori's eyes narrow. "Did you actually worry about that?"
"Well, yeah. Part of the reason I brought you to Pretty Garden in the first place was because I wanted to help you socialize. I knew the circle probably wouldn't stick together when I left, so all I could do was hope you'd gotten used to people enough that you could make your own friends."
"How much of your motivation was that and how much was wanting to 'show off your cute little sister'?"
Kaori smiles at that. "I mean, obviously you were adorable. Still are, actually. And I was proud of that, sure. Doesn't hurt being cute when you're making new friends."
"If it meant so much to you, why did you leave the way you did?"
She sighs. "I was eighteen. I was the oldest. I had to get married to the guy Mom and Dad picked out and try to make an heir before I ran out of time. If I didn't, then it would be your responsibility and I didn't want that for you."
"Don't try to pretend you left for my sake."
"Why not? It isn't like you wanted me around. If Pretty Garden had stuck around after I left would you have even missed me?"
"That's not fair." Saori shakes her head. "You dragged me around whether I wanted to go with you or not, and you treated me like a pet or an object. Something you kept around because I was cute, not because you cared about me as a person."
"What? I spent two years trying to be your friend and you think I didn't care about you as a person?"
"You spent two years acting like you already knew me. Like all there was to me was your 'cute little sister'. Like I didn't have wants and needs of my own. And then when you got bored of me, you left. Like you do with everything you get bored with."
"I never got bored with you! I gave you the last two years I could spare and you didn't even want them. The only person you cared about was Kanata."
"Kanata listened to me." She leans forward. "She asked me about myself. Learned my interests. She didn't stick me in a room full of stuff and act like that was it. She treated me like a person."
Kaori's hands ball into fists on the table. She squeezes, then releases a long, low breath and her hands relax.
"...I'm sorry." She says slowly. "I was trying. I promise you I was. But I've always been good with people. I never had to learn how to interact with someone I didn't connect with immediately. It felt like every time I tried to include you or talk with you or ask about you, you would shrink away. Every time I tried, I just made things worse. By the time I left, I felt like you had already rejected me more times than I could count."
"I never meant to reject you." Saori's voice is quiet. "I… we were basically strangers. We had spent so little time together before the circle, and I resented the way you kept acting like we were already friends. The way you acted like you knew everything about me even though the only thing you would ever actually say about me was that I was cute. I didn't think you were actually trying to know me better than that."
"I wish I'd had more time." Kaori admits. "Maybe I would've wised up eventually and figured out what I was doing wrong."
"Well… maybe I should have said something." Saori allows. "Did you really have to leave so suddenly? We could have had a conversation or something."
"It's not like it was a surprise, was it? I was eighteen. I was a rich kid with an arranged marriage. I was dying in two years. You didn't expect me to stick around forever, did you?"
Saori's face scrunches. "What do you mean you were dying?"
"Be…cause of my condition." Kaori raises an eyebrow. "When I was born the doctors said I wouldn't live to see twenty. If I was gonna give Dad an heir, I didn't have a ton of time to do it."
"You're making that up."
Kaori's eyes widen. "How could you say that?"
"You expect me to believe you were born with some rare disease that gave you twenty years to live? That sounds like something out of a-"
Kaori's chair makes a loud sound as Kaori stands up, shoving it back. Her hands ball into fists again, trembling on the table. Her eyes are wide, not just with shock and anger, but with hurt. Saori's voice catches in her throat.
"You think I would make that up?!" Kaori's voice is hoarse. "I've lived my whole life on a time limit. Trying to cram as much living as I could in the little time I had. Knowing that I was going to be a footnote at best in the lives of everyone I cared about. And you think- what, that that's some excuse I cooked up on the drive over here?"
Saori glances between each of Kaori's eyes before finally dropping her gaze. The look on her sister's face is too intense for her and the eye-contact was starting to get painful. Still, she could detect only sincerity in Kaori's expression and her voice. Which is only more bewildering.
"...Why is this the first I'm hearing of it?" Saori manages to ask. "Why didn't you ever tell me?"
"I thought you knew." Kaori says. "I thought Mom or Dad or Momokino or someone would have already told you. It wasn't like it was a secret."
"But why didn't you say anything?" Saori presses her, though she still doesn't reestablish eye contact. "If you really only had two years to reconnect with me, why didn't you tell me that?"
"I didn't like to think about it. Why would I ever want to talk about it if I didn't have to?" Kaori grits her teeth. "Besides, how pathetic would that sound. 'Hey, sis, you know I'm dying in three years, right? Please be my best friend until I croak.' How would you ever look up to a big sister who acted like that?"
Kaori's voice breaks as she says that, and the next sound out of her mouth is a strangled breath that sounds like a sob. Saori looks up at her to see she has a hand covering her eyes and, though she's trying to fight it, tears are streaming down her cheeks.
"Fuck. Fuck!" Kaori hisses under her breath. She turns away from her little sister, hiding her face. "I'm sorry. This was stupid. I shouldn't bother you with some sob story about your failure of a sister. You don't deserve-"
She shuts up when Saori's arms wrap around her. She freezes, taking a long moment to comprehend what's happening. She didn't even hear Saori's chair move.
She melts with a sob and turns to wrap her arms around Saori's middle, burying her crying eyes in her little sister's chest. She really did get so tall while Kaori was away. Saori holds her, gently petting her hair while Kaori blubbers like a child.
"This wasn't how I wanted it to go." Kaori whines. "I was gonna be cool. I was gonna be cool and mature and I was gonna fix things."
"I never needed you to be cool." Saori says gently. "You were always plenty cool. I needed you to be more honest."
Kaori makes a sound like a wet chuckle. "You're definitely getting honest. I missed you so bad, Saori."
"So… if you were supposed to die by twenty, how are you still around?" Saori asks.
Kaori sniffs, her sobs quieting down. "Nineteen more years of medical research. Millions of dollars invested in experimental treatments. A thousand origami cranes. Luck." She shrugs. "I was given twenty years, and that was the bare minimum I needed I guess."
Saori slowly releases her hug, but only once she feels Kaori's grip around her middle loosening. Her big sister straightens up and steps past her to the table to grab a napkin with which she wipes her eyes and blows her nose.
"You know the worst part?" She turns back to Saori with a bitter smile. "The first thought I had when I got my clean bill of health, the first thing that went through my mind when I realized I was going to have a twentieth birthday party was, 'I have time to make up with Saori now'."
"Yeesh." Saori makes a face and moves back around to her seat. "And all I did was yell at you and slap your face. What must you have thought?"
"That my little sister literally didn't care if I lived or died." Kaori answers honestly. "I didn't take it well."
"No wonder you said those things!"
"Yeah… I'm sorry about that too."
"No, I'm sorry." Saori shakes her head. "I had no idea what that day meant to you. If I had, I never would've…"
Kaori wants to reassure her that she knows Saori would never do that. Instead, what comes out is, "Yeah?"
"Yeah." Saori chews the inside of her lip. "What about your husband?"
"Ex-husband." Kaori corrects her. "No bad blood or anything, but I never did give him the baby we were trying for. He expected to be a widower with a son in two years, and I expected not to be around. We weren't really compatible in the long run, so we split up. That's actually why I'm moving back."
"Do you have a place yet?"
"Still working on it. Plus Kanata's got a friend she's hoping I can take in or something, so I need to find a place for more than one. And you know me. I've got a lot of stuff I'm gonna fill my new place with."
Saori allows herself a chuckle. "That sounds about right."
"Hey." Kaori reaches across the table and takes Saori's hand. "I know I fucked up before. But now that I'm back, I want to be there for you. So if you need anything, ever, anything at all, I want you to come to me. Let me try to be the big sister I should've been."
Saori squeezes Kaori's hand. "Alright. But I'm going to hold you to that. I have a lot of projects I could use some extra hands for."
"Right on!" Kaori grins. "Just consider me your personal slave, little sis."
"I don't know about going that far." A vision of a certain friend and her little sister flashes through her mind. "But I'll at least try to rely on you a little."
"That's good." Kaori runs her thumb across the back of her sister's hand. After a moment, she says, "If you've got time… could you tell me about yourself?"
Saori laughs. "What do you want to know?"
"Everything."
–
Kaori was five years old when she fell in love.
Staring down at her newborn little sister, finally released from the hospital and lying in her mother's arms, Kaori understood what it meant to love someone with all of your heart.
"And she doesn't have my condition?" Kaori asked for maybe the third time.
"The doctors say she'll live a long, healthy life." Her mother responded. She shifted to hold the dozing infant out to the older sibling. "Would you like to hold her?"
Kaori's eyes widened and she nodded. She took the swaddled baby into her arms with as much care and gentleness as her five-year-old body was capable of, and gently rocked her baby sister.
"Hi there, Saori." She whispered. "I'm your big sister."
The baby made a noise as she shifted in Kaori's arms.
"The doctors say I'm not gonna live for very long." Kaori said. "I won't even get to watch you grow up all the way. But don't worry. Because for as long as I'm here, I'm gonna be the best big sister ever."
Their mother watched them with a gentle smile.
"I'm gonna be strong, and cool, and I'll protect you and help you make friends and everything. Because I'm gonna do everything before I die. And I'm gonna do it all with you, Saori."
She snuggled her sister closer.
"I'm gonna be so cool that you never forget what a cool big sister you had. And then I'll always be with you, even when I'm gone."
She kissed her baby sister's warm, wrinkly forehead.
"And I'll always love you most of all. I promise."