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Kunikida felt something fall out of his mouth and into his lap. He shouldn’t have looked down, judging from how it made his stomach turn but he had… It was blood. Blood was pouring out of his mouth and into his lap and he was absolutely powerless to stop it.
He was sitting, strapped to a chair, arms and legs unable to move an inch. It was a miracle he could still lift his head — with how much he was going through, he thought he would’ve passed out from the pain by now. It was his stupid ideals again. They’d made an enemy again. Some person he hadn’t thought of since mindlessly spouting his ideals at them as if they would somehow help anyone like they helped him, had not thought of much else since. When was he going to learn that no one in the world understood him like he so desperately wished for them to? Or rather, when was he going to learn that no one ever wanted to understand him… Not really… His obnoxious obsession was one day going to make an enemy he could not defeat. One day… the ideals he spouted so proudly would return to him and poison him beyond antidote.
The longer this went on the more he wondered if it was that day. He could hold out for a long time, but not forever. His head was getting cloudy — so was his vision. He couldn’t think enough to figure out how to get the man to stop, let alone how to get himself out of this. He was in the Agency’s hands now. They were the most capable people in the world so he knew he had no reason to doubt them. He didn’t doubt them. Not their capabilities at least. But… He did doubt that he was worth saving.
His intelligence could never rival that of Ranpo or Dazai. It wasn’t as if he was anywhere near as strong as Kenji or Atsushi could be. His ability wasn’t particularly useful like Yosano or Jun'ichirou’s. Out of everyone at the Agency, it was no doubt that he was the most expendable. And sitting here now made him realise just how useless he was. He wasn’t smart enough to see through the obvious trap, he wasn’t strong enough to escape and with his hands tied behind his back and his notebook roasting in the fire six feet away from him, his ability wasn’t going to be of much use. He was entirely helpless. Not to mention he never had the brain power to think on the spot and escape like so many of the others had.
The thought kept rolling around his head like some boulder waiting to crush him… He did not deserve to be saved.
It was the fact that he’d fallen so far as to think such a thing that he desperately wanted to be saved more than ever before. He’d betrayed himself and the work he’d put in to make his life count. He’d resigned himself. He had given up. The very notion that he would give up was something he never thought he’d have to live through. He thought he’d die before he gave up. And yet, there he sat, watching his ideals quite literally burn before his eyes, and all he could do was spit the blood from his mouth and try to keep breathing for just a little while longer.
All he could do was imagine the kind eyes that would fall on him as they came to save him. The angels of the Agency were all he wanted to see. With confident smiles and sweet words, they’d save him. Maybe. He didn’t deserve it but he wanted to hear them say he would be fine. Really, he just wanted to see Dazai. He wanted to see the warm, teasing smile he always did. And hear him say something stupid that would make him angry at Dazai instead of himself. Just wanted to see him laugh… at least once more…
He swore he was hallucinating when he saw it. Or maybe he’d died and gone to heaven. But in his desperation to see Dazai again, some god must have heard his prayer, because Dazai burst through the door. He would recognise the atmosphere that surrounded him anywhere. Whether it was real or not, he was just glad to see his face again. Despite his relief, something unsettled him about it all. That’s when he noticed it. Dazai’s eyes weren’t full of the kindness and worry Kunikida had expected to see in them. They were full of hate. And fury. Things Kunikida couldn’t ever recall seeing in Dazai’s eyes before. Dazai wasn’t looking for him.
Dazai took up his gun and shot before Kunikida could even prepare himself for it. He flinched. He slowly opened his eyes to see Dazai standing over a body. The body of the man who had done this all to him. Dazai lifted his foot and placed it on his neck. Then he began to lean his weight on it. More and more until the man couldn’t breathe. If he continued he’d crush his windpipe. If he continued, Dazai was going to kill him.
Kunikida hesitated. Part of him held himself back. And he didn’t know why. He couldn’t tell if he was letting himself give in to the vengeful part of him that wanted the man to suffer like he had or… or if… if Dazai was just a little too scary to call out to. That wasn’t Dazai in front of him. Whoever it was, had a murderous rage inside them Kunikida would never see in his partner. It couldn’t be Dazai… Surely… But no, it must have been. Who else could it be? He shook it off quickly, feeling stupid for even considering such a thing. He cleared his throat as best he could.
“Dazai…” What was meant to be a scream came out in a quiet whisper. “Please,” he sobbed.
Dazai’s eyes snapped up from the man and landed on Kunikida. Now, they housed everything Kunikida had expected. They were soft and worried, and everything Kunikida needed. He couldn’t see for long as his eyes blurred with tears and he had to close them, letting his head fall forward as it was getting too heavy to carry anymore. He heard Dazai run over. And he felt him lift up his head, checking his pulse just to be sure.
“Look at me, love…” Dazai said, softly. Kunikida did his best. “I’m right here, do you see me?”
Kunikida didn’t answer, he simply let his head fall forward into Dazai’s chest as he sobbed. Dazai quickly weaved his hands in Kunikida’s hair, gently stroking it. Yosano would fix him up in no time, but for now, he just needed to be held.
It was a few more minutes before everyone else showed up. Atsushi untied Kunikida’s hands and feet, making it all the easier to cling to Dazai for dear life. Yosano headed to the perpetrator, impressed he was shot in the perfect spot so as not to bleed out too fast but at the same time, become incapacitated. Junichiro and Kenji came too, awaiting instruction from Dazai. Everyone had come. Everyone had come to make sure Kunikida got back safe. Kunikida was already a mess — he didn’t know how much worse he could get but he didn’t know how else to express how grateful he was for them all than to sob even more.
“Hey, how bad is it?” Yosano’s smooth voice cut through the clamorous atmosphere.
“We need to go,” Dazai said.
“Can you step back and let me examine him? I need to check if we can transport him.”
Dazai’s grip on Kunikida only tightened. Kunikida didn’t have the energy to make the decision for him. He wanted to hold on to Dazai until he at least stopped crying but if Dazai wanted something else, he’d let it happen.
“No,” Dazai said.
“What do you mean, ‘No’?” Yosano asked.
“I…”
“If he’s in pain, it’s best for me to treat him now…”
“I…”
Dazai hesitated for a moment longer. Before he carefully lifted Kunikida’s head from his chest to look him in the eyes again.
“How bad is it?” he asked, softly, “Can I… Will you be fine until we’re back at the Agency?”
“I can’t feel anything, I’m fine…” Kunikida managed.
Dazai let Kunikida’s head fall back against him again. “You heard him…”
Yosano’s apprehension to intervene could be sensed from a mile away. Dazai wasn’t letting Kunikida go, and she could tell. The entire Agency could tell. So, they didn’t intervene as they helped Kunikida out of the abandoned house. And they didn’t intervene as Kunikida fell asleep with his head in Dazai’s lap on the drive home. Nor did they try and do anything when Dazai crawled into Kunikida’s hospital bed and lay there with him for the entire night. Truthfully, they had never seen Dazai so obsessive. And it seemed fair to assume that tendency was born out of utter worry. And so, really they just wanted to give Dazai whatever he needed to placate that part of him. And Kunikida seemed content with that.
It took convincing to make Dazai step back long enough for Yosano to treat Kunikida but he eventually obliged. As soon as he was better, Dazai returned to his spot by Kunikida’s side and rested his head on his chest.
“Thank you…” Kunikida mumbled.
“Hmm?”
“I… I wasn’t sure I’d make it…”
“As if I’d let anyone separate you from this world except myself…” Dazai said.
“What? Are you going to kill me?”
Dazai laughed, “No, no… Just, if you were to die, I wouldn’t give anyone else the honours…”
“That still…” Kunikida shook it off, “Nevermind…”
Dazai readjusted himself slightly before sighing, “You really scared me, you know?”
“I’m… I’m sorry…”
“Never do that again…”
“I don’t plan to…”
“Of course, not…” Dazai smiled, “I don’t know if I could live without you…”
“Y-You won’t have to… I promise…” Kunikida said, “Um… I don’t know what I’d do without you…”
“Good thing we won’t have to find out, right?”
“You mean that?”
Dazai nodded, “I couldn’t die if it meant leaving you behind…”
“I couldn’t live if you left me behind…”
“I love you…”
“I love you too…”
“Get some rest, yeah? Even if you’re physically healed, you still must be exhausted, no?”
“Mm… Yeah…” Kunikida said, closing his eyes, “Will you… stay?”
“I have nowhere else to be.”
Dazai closed his eyes too. Even if Kunikida didn’t feel worth saving, Dazai sure thought he was. And, whether to his detriment or not, he always trusted Dazai. He prayed he’d never end up in a situation like that again but knew that, if praying didn’t work, Dazai was known to defy God anyway and would save him even if wasn’t meant to be saved. Even if God wasn’t on his side, Dazai was. And that was more than enough.