Work Text:
1.
As the leader, Soobin always had to be in touch with his members' feelings. It had become one of his highest priorities. He always reconsidered things to make sure all his members were happy and comfortable. He always payed extra attention to the emotions they were displaying (or not). Of course he looked out for every one of them, but just a little bit more for Beomgyu.
With Beomgyu having autism it was a little difficult to tell how the boy was feeling. He also had his emotions all over the place more often than the rest of his members. And some days he was more sensitive than the rest. This definitely didn't make him difficult to deal with, or annoying. But Beomgyu sure felt that way. Even though he couldn't do anything about it either. He felt like a burden and tended to hide his emotions a lot. He felt like he was holding the team back or dragging them down. These thoughts resulted in him masking way too much for his own good. That's why Soobin made sure to look out for him a little more.
So when Soobin found Beomgyu staring at himself in the mirror - lower lip trembling - during their practice break, he wanted nothing more than to comfort him. He looked totally out of it and hadn't even noticed Soobin's concerned looks, lost in the staredown with his reflection.
"Beomgyu-ya" Soobin cut through the silence.
The younger boy snapped out of his daze and looked at his leader with a hint of confusion in his eyes.
"Are you okay? You seem pretty out of it" the leader said.
Beomgyu threw him a toothy grin, "I'm fine, hyung. Just spaced out for a second" he said. Although he didn't sound very convinced of himself.
Soobin hummed in reply but didn't buy it. As he was about to ask Beomgyu again, their dance instructor called for them. Break was over and they had to get back to work. Sighing, he got back into position. Keeping an extra eye out for Beomgyu. If it worsened his dancing, no one mentioned it.
-
Once practice was over Beomgyu looked absolutely stressed out. To anyone who wasn't close to him he would've looked fine, but Soobin knew him. His eyes held an extreme tensity and his smiles were obviously fake. His hands trembled a little at his sides and when he thought no one was looking he would whisper things under his breath. Soobin noticed, Beomgyu could barely keep himself grounded.
"Beomgyu-ya, I wanna talk to you real quick okay? You guys can go, we'll be right behind you" the leader said.
Beomgyu visibly tensed up at this. He knew what was coming and he didn't like it. Although he really (really) needed a sense of comfort, he hated showing his weak side. He hated giving in. He always felt extremely embarrassed after and that would only make him feel worse.
Once Yeonjun, Taehyun and Hueningkai had left the room Soobin's eyes found Beomgyu's. Soobin could feel his heart break just a little. He wasn't babying Beomgyu because he was autistic, but he was always scared his actions might give off that idea. So he very, very carefully handled situations like these.
"Beomgyu-ya, please don't push yourself to your limits, okay? I know you don't want me to involve myself in this but I can see how tense you are and I'm worried. As the leader I just wanna make sure you're still able to perform well. But as your friend, I wanna make sure you feel okay. I wanna make sure you know you don't have to hide your feelings. If anything is ever wrong, if anything ever feels off, please tell us. I hate to see you cover up your emotions. I know we might not completely get it, but we're here for you. We'll try our best to understand and we'll help you out, okay Beomgyu-ya? Please take care of yourself" Soobin spoke.
Beomgyu stared at his shoes during all of it. Recently, he'd been feeling like crap. He was overwhelmed quickly and everything felt wrong. But a 21 year old shouldn't be crying over too many noises in a room, right? He couldn't possibly make himself tell the others he could barely breathe because people were talking whilst music was playing at the same time and that his brain couldn't take it. But his hyung knew him so well, he saw right through him.
Beomgyu whimpered at his leader's soft words. He felt miserable, but so loved. He felt warm. His members might never fully understand what goes on in his brain, but they will always do their best to make him feel better. He was so lucky having them by his side.
"Is it okay if I hug you?" Soobin asked.
Beomgyu gave a small nod. Soon, he felt Soobin's arms around him. And he felt so safe. His leader even asked if physical touch was okay at this moment. God, he was so considerate. Beomgyu couldn't stop a few tears from escaping. They dried on his hyung's shirt. Soobin didn't mention it, he just rubbed his dongsaeng's back.
And that was the first time Beomgyu realized his members would always be there for him. And maybe he should learn to trust them a little, to show them his vulnerable side too. It was gonna take some time, but it would all be worth it.
2.
Beomgyu had always hated socks. It wasn't until he got a diagnosis with autism that it started making sense. Socks made his feet all warm and tingly, and they made him feel like he was stuck. Sometimes even making it difficult for him to breathe. Still, he couldn't just go around everywhere barefoot. At the dorms he happily resorted to no socks, but he knew that wasn't possibly in public. So, like any 'normal' person would, he wore his socks.
Usually, his schedules were just long enough to get him home before he would get totally overwhelmed from the feeling. Sure, he would struggle a bit through the day, but it was nothing he couldn't handle. A deep breath here, some stimming there, and he would be okay. For a little bit.
His members knew about it too. A while ago, on a particulary bad morning, Taehyun had found his hyung looking at his socks with tears in his eyes. They had to leave for practice in 10 minutes, but Beomgyu didn't seem okay.
["Hyung? What's wrong?" Taehyun asked. It was only a few months after Beomgyu got his diagnosis. The older didn't always understand himself yet. But he felt like he understood himself for once in this moment.
"Hyunnie, the socks. I can't wear them. I mean, I can, but I can't. I think it's the uhmmm- you know? The autism…" Beomgyu mumbled, embarrassed.
"Do they make you feel bad?"
Beomgyu nodded in response.]
Since then, his members knew. And they were understanding, thank God. So they didn't give him weird looks when he immediately took off his shoes and his socks the second they arrived back in the dorm. They didn't judge him when he had to isolate himself for a little after that, either.
Today, however, wasn't a normal day. It was packed with schedules. Beomgyu had left the dorm at seven in the morning. He had been wearing socks since seven in the morning. It was currently ten in the evening. On normal days, he would've been home already. Hanging out at home, no socks. But now, he was trapped in the company building. Wearing socks he had been wearing for way too long now.
He already had a lot of schedules today, most of them with all the others too. It was safe to say he was pretty overwhelmed. Thankfully, this was his last schedule of the day. The only other person there was his oldest hyung, Yeonjun. It put Beomgyu at ease, only a little.
However, Beomgyu could feel his socks way too much right now. They were so warm. Scrap that, they were burning hot. It felt like he had to walk over burning coals while pretending everything was alright. Beomgyu's breaths came shorter and quicker and he nervously fiddled with the hem of his shirt.
Yeonjun seemed to have noticed.
"Are you alright, Gyu?" he asked with genuine concern.
"Fine" Beomgyu croaked out.
Yeonjun knew he was lying, but he didn't get the chance to ask any further.
"Last shoot of the day and you're done!" the director announced.
Staff swarmed them and hurriedly shoo'ed the two idols towards the set. Beomgyu felt someone step on his foot. It took everything in him to not have a total meltdown right there and then.
"We only need a few shots, it won't take long." and that's how the photoshoot started.
It took approximately 30 minutes but for Beomgyu it felt like hours. The constant change of positions, lots of physical contact, loud noises. And yes, the socks. They made this whole experience ten times worse. God, he hated socks so much.
The shoot was finished, but Beomgyu didn't dare move from his spot on the floor. He knew that if he moved, he would feel those socks again. So, he stayed where he was. A safe and familiar decision.
"Beom-ah, are you coming?" Yeonjun asked, extending a hand.
Beomgyu just looked at him with fear in his eyes. He hoped that his body language could speak for him. Because at this point, he knew even talking would send him over the edge.
When Yeonjun made eye contact with his younger brother, it clicked. Beomgyu was extremely overstimulated. But he couldn't do much about it. He knew he couldn't touch Beomgyu right now and Beomgyu probably couldn't speak either. Hell, it seemed like the younger didn't even dare move.
"Fuck" Yeonjun muttered.
He crouched down to Beomgyu's level.
"Okay baby", letting the term of affection slip out, "I know physical contact will probably make it even worse right now but it looks like you can't handle anything right now. I'm gonna have to pick you up. I'll get you somewhere safe, please bear with me for a few seconds. Is that okay with you?" Yeonjun asked.
Beomgyu felt himself cringe at the thought of physical contact. But he knew his hyung was right. Even if he stayed here for hours, he'd have to break from this feeling somehow. It wouldn't just go away by itself. So, very very carefully, he managed a small nod. It sent shivers down his spine and he could feel the blood under his nails moving, but he remained where he was.
Yeonjun picked the younger up and immediately started walking towards the changing room. Beomgyu felt his skin prickle at the contact and his breath getting stuck in his throat. He could barely breathe.
Once Yeonjun had shut the door of the changing room behind them and made sure there was no staff inside, he put Beomgyu down on the laminate flooring. The weird and warm feeling of the couch would probably make the experience even worse for Beomgyu.
Yeonjun then moved over to take off Beomgyu's shoes and socks. The laminate flooring was nice and cool to his feet.
And Beomgyu felt the knots in his chest untie a little. He could move again. That's when the tears came.
They pooled out of his eyes like waterfalls, there was no stopping it now. Yeonjun worriedly sat down next to his dongsaeng. He had no idea how to help and he felt fucking useless. Seeing his little brother cry his eyes out while he was sitting there doing nothing, he felt like the worst hyung ever.
"Can I touch you, Gyu?" he asked ever so carefully.
Beomgyu frantically shook his head.
"I can't- can't breathe~~ hyung…" he whimpered. Immediately regretting talking, as he still wasn't ready for that. When Beomgyu had really bad meltdowns it could take a long time for him to be able to talk again.
And Yeonjun could've sworn he felt his heart break at that moment.
To do anything, he got up and fetched a glass of water. It was the least he could do. The second he put it down next to Beomgyu, he grabbed it. With a shaky hand he brought it to his lips and took a few painful sips.
It released something in him and he could breathe a little better. His breaths no longer came short and his sobs no longer cut off because of the lack of oxygen. His wails grew louder and louder, but it was a good thing, in a way.
Beomgyu held his arms out, asking for a hug from his hyung. 10 minutes ago physical contact would've made him cry. Now, it could help him stop. Yeonjun was quick to wrap his arms around him.
Beomgyu buried his face in the crook of Yeonjun's neck. His sobs immediately died down. He felt so safe. And so warm, but in a good way this time. He could feel one of his hyung's hands constantly rubbing his back, the other petting his hair. It kept him grounded.
After a while Beomgyu pulled back. He looked his hyung in the eye and gave him a watery smile as his last tears rolled down his cheeks. Yeonjun pulled his sleeves over his hands and wiped his brother's face. The look Beomgyu gave him said it all. Thank you, hyung. And Yeonjun knew his dongsaeng so well, he immediately understood what that look meant.
"Anytime, Gyu."
3.
When Beomgyu was younger his parents would always call him a picky eater. There were only a few foods which he would not leave on his plate.
"It won't kill you!" he heard that one a lot.
It came to a point where Beomgyu wasn't allowed to leave the dining table until he had finished all of the food on his plate. On most nights he would sit at that cursed table with those cursed foods all alone until his bedtime.
He cried a lot, when he sat there by himself. He wanted to eat the food, he really wanted to. But he physically couldn't. It would trigger his gag reflex or brew tears in his eyes because it just felt awful. If he were a villain, the textures of the food he was supposed to eat would be his villain origin story.
But he wasn't a villain. So he didn't fight his parents when they tried coming up with other techniques to get their kid to eat. But as time went on, those techniques got worse and worse for Beomgyu.
We call this one: "Technique Kitchen Timer".
It's where his parents would turn on their kitchen timer at 10 minutes. If Beomgyu didn't finish his food within those 10 minutes, there would be consequences. Beomgyu had no idea what those consequences were. He was terrified. But he still couldn't eat his food.
Every time the kitchen timer went off Beomgyu would start crying hysterically. The idea of that timer going off just scared him immensely. He can't remember what the consequences were though, probably nothing. Just something his parents said to scare him into eating. But it never worked.
We call the next technique: "The open and go".
Here, his dad would hold his nose. Beomgyu would be forced to open his mouth if he wanted to breathe. There's no fighting the human body on that. When he opened his mouth, his mom would put the food in his mouth. And that's when his dad let go of his nose.
Now, theoretically, this worked. But it just made Beomgyu scared of food. He would throw up out of fear, or start crying so hard he couldn't breathe anymore and his parents had to let him go to the bathroom to cool off.
As he grew older, his relationship with food changed. At fifteen he tried a lot more foods then he would have tried at fourteen. His fear of food mostly disappeared, although he kept some safe foods and preferences.
When he became a trainee he realized how important food is. He ate his meals without thinking much of it. Anything would help him gain energy for his exhausting days. Once he had debuted, he got some free time again. No more living on cheap microwave heated convenience store meals. It felt great.
Most of the time the members of Tomorrow x Together would eat something safe and familiar. Like tteokbokki, ramyeon or kimchi. But from time to time they would try something different. That's when Beomgyu realized unknown foods still scared him. He would just tell his members he wasn't hungry and retreat to his room.
Still, in their first few years of living together it wasn't a normal occurrence for Beomgyu to skip a meal. It happened every now and then but his members didn't necessarily worry about it. That was, until Taehyun picked cooking up as a hobby.
Taehyun would cook dinner for the members a few times a week. He really wanted to improve his cooking skills and he enjoyed it. The other members enjoyed it too, they got to try all sorts of foods they had never tried before. And they didn't even have to do anything for it! Amazing, right? It seemed Beomgyu was the only one who didn't enjoy it.
Why? He didn't know exactly. The first time Taehyun put down an unfamiliar looking dish in front of him, he realized his fear of food never really left. Could you even call it a fear? He wasn't really scared of the food, just uncomfortable. And he'd rather not try it. It would probably freak him out.
On top of that, he struggled with eating in general. He had periods where his appetite disappeared almost completely. These periods usually lasted a few days and would then go back to normal. Only for them to come back again some time later. He never really found an explanation for this, that was until - you guessed it - the diagnosis.
Back to the present, Taehyun once again set down an unfamiliar dish on the table. He'd been doing that a lot more recently. Beomgyu immediately felt uncomfortable and tried excusing himself from the table.
"Hyung, you've skipped dinner 3 days in a row now. Is something wrong?" Taehyun asked. The other members stopped chewing and went quiet, following the interaction.
"Uhm, I'm fine, Taehyun-ah. Just not hungry" Beomgyu mumbled.
"You've been practicing a lot recently, you've gotta eat well Gyu-ya!" Soobin said from his spot at the table.
Beomgyu just shrugged.
"I'll go to my room then" he said barely above a whisper.
His members looked at him with concern as he left the room. Beomgyu was supposed to be happy and the energiser of the group, what was going on?
Taehyun followed after him.
"You guys eat, I'll talk to him" the second youngest member said.
When Taehyun entered Beomgyu's room he found the elder sitting on his bed, looking completely worn out. Taehyun didn't say a word as he sat down next to him and grabbed his hands in his own.
"What's going on, hyung?" he broke the silence.
Beomgyu bit his lip nervously. This was Taehyun, and he trusted Taehyun. If he ever wanted to talk about his feelings he'd go to Taehyun, they just understood eachother very well and were able to have nice conversations. But still, this felt different.
"I- uhh- I've been having trouble eating lately" he sighed.
Taehyun nodded in understanding, "I kind of figured. You know what caused this?"
Beomgyu took a breath, "I've been a picky eater all my life. I just think that- since the diagnosis, maybe that could be the reason? I'm not really picky, I just physically can't eat unfamiliar foods or food with weird textures. And from time to time I lose all of my appetite, I don't know why that happens" he rambled.
All this time Taehyun never let go of his hyung's hands.
"I think I understand. I don't know much about autism but from the little stuff I know I do know that textures can be a huge issue. We could take it into account and make sure you don't get any food on your plate that makes you uncomfortable. If you want?"
Beomgyu smiled, genuinely smiled.
"That would be nice, Taehyun-ah."
"The appetite problem though, I think I read somewhere that it's common for autistic people to have eating and appetite problems. You still have to eat well, so would you be okay with me helping you eat?"
Beomgyu considered it. His dongsaeng had clearly done some research on autism for him. It felt nice, he really tried to understand his hyung a little better. But Beomgyu hated when his younger members comforted him. He was the hyung, it should be the other way around, right?
Still, Taehyun really looked willing to help. And he looked genuinely concerned. Beomgyu appreciated his efforts and decided to accept the offer.
"I'm sorry I didn't figure it out sooner, hyung. I'm sorry I couldn't help you sooner."
"It's not your fault, Hyun. I think I was embarrassed and afraid of help for a little while."
4.
Growing up, Beomgyu once looked up the meaning of sarcasm. He'd heard his older family members talk about it at least once every family meeting (yes, he actually started keeping track of how many times they mentioned sarcasm). But he never quite grasped the concept.
sarcasm
/ˈsɑːkaz(ə)m/
noun
The use of irony to mock or convey contempt.
That didn't help at all. He tried studying this strange occurrence. In social situations he would carefully pay attention to everything people said. Then, he tried to understand what was sarcasm and what wasn't. Eventually, he got the hang of it a little. As a teenager, he knew when people were being sarcastic, most of the time. He didn't actually feel it, but he recognized it.
Sarcasm, the world felt foreign on his tongue. Everyone loved sarcasm. Why didn't he? He spent all these years studying the subject, shouldn't he have developed some love for it somehow? As a result for his efforts? The answer was simple. No.
When he was around the age of 14, he tried using sarcasm himself. Sure, he was a little late on it. Most of his classmates got it down already. His elders just figured he was a little later on social development. So why did everyone look baffled when Beomgyu said something sarcastic for the first time?
["Huh? Really?" his brother asked, astonished.
Beomgyu laughed.
"No of course not, dummy" he said with a smile.
His brother just furrowed his brow.
"You were joking?" he asked, probably for reassurance in this strange situation.
Beomgyu got a little confused himself now. He'd heard his brother being sarcastic and joking around very often, why was he so confused at Beomgyu doing the same thing right now?
"Yes?"
"You sounded so serious, damn Beomgyu-ya. You should watch your tone or you might get in trouble."]
And get into trouble he did. Everytime he tried joking around with people they thought he was being dead serious. Did he not study sarcasm enough? Was his imitation of the sarcastic tone not quite right?
People called him disrespectful, weird and a lot more bad things. Couldn't they see he was trying to joke along with them? It upset him immensely, what was wrong with him? In the end, he gave up on jokes. No one understood him and it only made him look like a troubled child, he was better off looking serious.
He remained a serious person for the rest of his life. That was, until he met his future members. They clicked right away and all had a good sense of humour. When they heard they were going to debute together, Beomgyu couldn't be happier. These were his friends, his people.
So, after getting to know each other well, Beomgyu wanted to break the ice a little. He tried sarcasm again. At first, the members were a little confused. But they knew each other so goddamn well, they understood his sarcasm. And soon enough, they didn't have to think twice when Beomgyu was being sarcastic. He was a funny guy. His members got used to it. Well, that's what they thought.
"Hyung, I don't understand? Why is Taehyun-ah so upset? I was joking" Beomgyu exclaimed frustrated and confused.
Soobin sighed, "I think it's because you might've sounded more serious than you were actually being Gyu."
"Huh? But I could've sworn I used that tone you guys always use…" Beomgyu mumbled.
"Hm? What was that? What tone?" the leader asked.
"Nevermind, it's stupid."
Soobin pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, "Look, Gyu. Just go ahead and apologize to Taehyun-ah. I'm sure he'll be willing to listen to your explanation too."
Beomgyu could feel a lump forming in his throat. This was unfair. He didn't do anything wrong, so why was he forced to apologize? He didn't get it. He also didn't understand how he could've possibly upset Taehyun. The members knew him so well, why didn't they understand he was joking just now?
One thing about Beomgyu was that he had a strong feeling for justice, and he was stubborn. He didn't want to ruin his friendship with Taehyun (and possibly with the other members, too), but to him it felt almost impossible to go up to the younger and apologize.
"Come on Gyu, don't leave Taehyun-ah upset" Soobin smiled sadly. He knew about the younger's internal conflict, but couldn't do anything about it.
Hesitatingly, Beomgyu made his way to Hyuka's and Taehyun's room. The '01 liner knocked three times before slowly opening the door, sheepishly peeking around the corner.
"Can I come in?" he asked.
Taehyun, who was laying on the lower bunk, answered.
"Sure, hyung."
Beomgyu made his way over to his oldest dongsaeng and sat down on the lower bed.
"I'm here to apologize to you, Taehyun-ah" he said nervously.
Taehyun threw his covers off and sat upright to face his hyung. The younger didn't look mad at all, he looked more sad. And Beomgyu felt so incredibly guilty, although he still didn't understand what had happened.
"Uhm. I'm sorry Taehyun-ah, for what I said. I tried to make a joke with you but I must've worded it wrong because I ended up hurting you and I would never do that on purpose. I'm really, really sorry" Beomgyu rambled, looking down at the bed.
Taehyun gave him a soft smile.
"It's okay, hyung. I don't think you meant it in a bad way, but it still hurt me. I won't hold a grudge against you, because I know how you sometimes struggle with using the right tone. It's okay, really. You must be upset too" he said softly.
The two engulfed in a warm hug, Taehyun wiping the last of his tears that had been rolling down his cheeks. They could stay like this forever, in each other's arms, but Soobin interrupted.
"Taehyun-ah, you have a schedule in thirty minutes, remember? Hurry up, I have a schedule too, we're leaving together" their leader said before quickly disappearing again.
"Well, I've got to go. Thank you Beomgyu-hyung" Taehyun mumbled before leaving the room, leaving Beomgyu alone on his bed.
Beomgyu immediately lost his mind to the thoughts spiraling in his head. Had he messed everything up? He'd hurt his dongsaeng. God, he was a terrible hyung, wasn't he? The bed creaking above him broke him from his thoughts. Hyuka had been here all along?
"Hyuka? That better be you" Beomgyu said nervously.
"Yeah, it's me, hyung" Kai's voice sounded from above him.
"You heard everything?"
" 'M sorry, didn't mean to."
"It's okay."
Beomgyu could hear Hueningkai shifting above him before he saw the maknae making his way down the bunk bed ladder. Kai sat down next to him and wrapped his arm around his hyung's shoulder.
"It's not your fault, you know?" he said.
Beomgyu hummed sadly in response.
"You don't believe me, do you, hyung?" Hueningkai asked, almost offended.
Beomgyu shrugged at this. He wasn't sure.
"Hyung, it happens. When we first met you we saw how much you struggled with jokes and sarcasm, but you learned quickly. And you showed your true self to us, which is how we come to love you. You literally studied our behaviour to fit in. Of course mistakes happen, Gyu-hyung. You have trouble in social situations but that's okay! We know, and we're not angry. Please don't beat yourself up for it. Taehyunnie's not angry either" Huening spoke.
"I just-" his voice cracked, "I feel like such a bad hyung now. I made my dongsaeng cry, what kind of hyung does that?" Beomgyu croaked.
"It was just a misunderstanding, hyung. And in the heat of the moment, you got the blame. Everyone's calmed down now and no one thinks you're an awful hyung. Taehyun and I rely more on you than you think."
Beomgyu's eyes widened at this.
"Really?"
"Mhm" Kai hummed in response.
"Thank you, Huening-ah. You understand me really well" Beomgyu thanked his youngest dongsaeng.
Hueningkai grinned, "I know."
5.
"Am I holding you back?" Beomgyu asked.
The entire room fell silent. Yeonjun and Huening stopped play-fighting, Soobin stopped drinking his water and Taehyun stopped dancing.
"What do you mean, Gyu-ya?" Yeonjun chuckled, confused.
"Am I holding the team back? I'm being reasonable here. You're all so talented and flexible and then there's me. Can't handle change, extremely sensitive, a crybaby, can't sing. Am I wasting your potential?" Beomgyu spilled out.
"What? Gyu? Of course not. None of that is true. Is that what you think?" Soobin asked worriedly as he made his way over to his friend.
Beomgyu stared at his sneakers.
"We were all thinking it" he mumbled.
"Yah! What has gotten into your head?" Yeonjun reprimanded from the other side of the room.
"Hyung? Are you even hearing yourself? You're probably the hardest working person in this room, you are incredibly talented. You're not holding the rest back, ever" Taehyun whispered, dumbfounded.
Beomgyu looked up from his shoes.
"You're all so strong and I'm so- so sensitive. And I have these extra needs like I'm a fucking toddler, I'm so embarrassed of myself" he admitted.
"Hyung! Don't talk about yourself that way. Your brain is different, but that's it. There's nothing childish about that" Hyuka tried.
"You have struggles none of us have, making your life a lot harder. Yet here you are, standing in the same room as us, being an idol in the same group as us. You have to put in twice or maybe even three times as much work compared to the rest of us. But you're here, you're standing here and you're successful. You're so strong, do you even realize that Beom?" Soobin said.
Beomgyu held back a sob.
"Is that really what you think?" he wanted to know.
All of his members nodded, wearing concern in their eyes.
Beomgyu let out a sob and slowly sunk to the floor. His members were quick to engulf him in a group hug.
"You guys are so good to me, even when I'm nothing" Beomgyu cried.
"You're never nothing, hyung."
"We love you so much, Gyu-ya."
Beomgyu let out his feelings in the arms of his members. They would always be there for him.
+1
Yeonjun groaned from his spot on the couch.
"I can't get these lines in my head!" he cried.
"Me neither. They're more complicated than usual today" Taehyun pointed out.
"Guys, we have an award show to attend. Just learn your lines before we have to get out there" Soobin spoke.
Yeonjun and Taehyun sighed, then went back to studying the difficult speech. All the while Beomgyu was just playing on his phone.
"Aren't you going to learn the speech, hyung?" Hueningkai asked, who was sitting next to Beomgyu.
Beomgyu turned off his phone and simply shook his head.
"I already know it perfectly" he shrugged.
"How did you do that that fast?" Hueningkai asked.
Beomgyu shrugged again.
"Yah! There's no way you actually know all of these weird lines already! You must be pranking us" Yeonjun laughed.
Beomgyu got confused. What was so difficult about learning a speech? They had done it many times. He didn't see the issue here.
"I'll try you. What comes after the part where we thank our staff?" Yeonjun asked his younger brother.
"Everyone's had a hard time the past few years but we're very grateful we were still able to work on our music and improve. That's also why we're extremely grateful to stand here today, with you all. Thank you" Beomgyu quoted from his head.
The other member's eyes blew wide.
"You know the rest too?" Soobin asked dumbfounded.
"Yes? We've done this before I don't see what's so hard" Beomgyu commented.
"This speech is like ten times longer than the usual, and there's a lot of different topics. Usually we only have to mention the fans and the public. This time, we have to mention every little detail. Gyu-ya how did you get this in your head so fast?" Soobin explained.
"I don't know? I just focused on it for a few minutes and then I got it" Beomgyu mumbled, still a bit confused himself.
"Pffft, hyung must have some superpower" Kai joked.
The others went back to their lines but the conversation left Beomgyu wondering. Was it really such a difficult speech? Sure, it was longer than the usual speech. And yes, it was a lot more detailed than they were used to. But anyone who studied it seriously would remember it, right?
Hueningkai said he had superpowers. It sounded silly, but that's when Beomgyu realized something. One time, when talking to his doctor, the doctor had mentioned the positive traits of autism. Beomgyu vaguely recalled him mentioning a great memory and an amazing ability to recall facts.
A smiled crept up on Beomgyu's lips. Could it have been true? Were there really some good things to autism too? He looked over to his members and found them struggling still. Yes. His doctor had been right. Autism wasn't just a hindrance (even though most of the times it was), it could also help him!
After struggling with (accepting) his autism for so long, this really made him feel better. And as he stood on the podium that night, giving the entire speech because the other members were starting to panic a bit, he couldn't have felt prouder.
Sure, he would still have meltdowns. He would still have bad days and triggers. He would still have all of these things that made his life just a bit harder. But the thought, the fact, that there was a good side to his neurodiversity too could maybe make up for it.
Beomgyu, the same man who used to be in denial about having autism, couldn't have felt happier as he slowly learnt to embrace it. Sure, it was difficult, but he loved it.