Work Text:
Locke’s memory theory of personal identity: A person’s identity only reaches as far as their memory extends into the past. Thus, as a person’s memory begins to disappear, so does his identity.
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 17 November 2021 at 2:16 AM
Grian
Scott?
Smajor1995
Grian. Hey.
Grian
Why are you calling me? It’s, like, 2 AM.
Smajor1995
I’m sorry, I know it’s late. But I really needed to talk to you.
Grian
Okay…? About what, exactly? Aren’t there some people in Empires you can talk to?
Smajor1995
It’s…it’s more complicated than that. There’s nobody in Empires I can tell about this, that’s for sure.
Grian
So, why me?
Smajor1995
I think you know why.
Grian
[Long silence.]
You won, didn’t you?
Smajor1995
I knew it.
Grian
[Sigh.] You know, for the longest time, I thought I hallucinated the entire thing. Nobody else seemed to remember, and I thought I was going crazy. Then it happened again, and I realized it wasn’t in my head.
Smajor1995
I think only the winners remember. I made the mistake of trying to ask my servermates who were in the game, too. They didn’t know what I was talking about.
Grian
So…how did you realize I knew?
Smajor1995
[Heavy exhale.] I didn’t just retain my memories of Last Life. I also started to remember what happened in…its predecessor.
Grian
Oh.
Smajor1995
It took a few hours. It’s still kind of fuzzy, if I’m being honest. But I remember the important bits. Jimmy and I had an alliance then. We were based in a flower forest. You and Scar--
Grian
Don’t.
Smajor1995
Sorry. I’m sorry.
Grian
Can we…talk about this another time?
I’m sorry, I’m just--not really in the right headspace.
Smajor1995
Shit. Did I say something wrong? If I did, I’m sorry, but I really want-- need --to talk to someone right now.
Grian
Maybe another time. I’m sorry. Bye, Scott.
End of transcript
What does it mean to remember?
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 18 November 2021 at 4:49 PM
Smajor1995
Hello?
Grian
Scott. Hi.
Smajor1995
[Stumbling over words.] Oh--Grian. Hey. I’m so--
Grian
No. Don’t say anything. I’m the one who should be sorry. I shouldn’t have left the call like that as soon as you brought up events from…from 3rd Life. That wasn’t fair of me to you.
Smajor1995
But I--
Grian
No, hold on. I’m not done yet.
After 3rd Life, I didn’t have anyone to talk to. No one remembered at that time.
You’re not in the same situation as me. You have someone to talk to. You have me. And, yesterday, I just…blew you off. As soon as I ran across something I didn’t want to think about.
[Hesitating.] I remember…I remember how much it hurt the first few weeks, after 3rd Life ended. I was still reeling from the events, and I think the fact that everyone else forgot made it worse. I know you must be feeling that right now.
So…I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you right away.
Smajor1995
[Long pause.] Thank you, Grian. Really. I’m just…I’m just glad you’re here now.
Grian
I’m not leaving again, I promise.
So…what is it that you want to talk about?
Smajor1995
[Breathy laugh.] Where to start?
Well, I suppose…ah, I don’t even know where to begin.
Grian
Do you have any questions, maybe?
Smajor1995
Oh.
Well…do you think it’ll happen again?
Grian
[Long pause.]
I…don’t know.
I was hoping it was only a one-time thing, but obviously, it’s not. I don’t want it to happen again, but…there’s a chance it might. It’s not impossible.
Smajor1995
Wow. Um…that’s not the answer I wanted to hear. In all honesty.
Grian
I don’t think either of us wants it to be true.
End of transcript
Remembering the past to imagine the future: Our experiences warn us of what is to come.
Transcript between Smajor1995 and SolidarityGaming on 19 November 2021 at 3:26 PM
SolidarityGaming
Oh! Hey, Scott! What brings you here? You need anythin’?
Smajor1995
[Noise of confusion.] What? Why would I—ah.
You know what, um—no, nothing. I was just…passing by, thought I’d drop by and say hello.
SolidarityGaming
Oh, okay! I just thought it was odd—I don’t really talk to you much, y’know.
Smajor1995
I—[Voice breaks.]—yeah. Um—
SolidarityGaming
[Laughter.] Ah, that was kinda harsh, wasn’t it? Didn’t mean it like that. Just, y’know, we’re not best buds or anything. Not used to seeing you around all that often.
Smajor1995
[Strained laugh.] No—no it’s alright, I get it.
Hey, ah—odd, totally random question—
SolidarityGaming
Hm?
Smajor1995
Have we ever…I dunno. Met before this server? Like, on a different one?
SolidarityGaming
[Pondering hum.] Not that I know of. I mean, there’s MCC? But nothing else, really. If we had, I’d surely remember you, right? You’re not one to forget. I mean that in the nicest way possible.
Smajor1995
[Small laugh.] Yeah. Yeah. [Clears throat.]
Anyway, I should…I should get going. I’ll see you around?
SolidarityGaming
Maybe. See ya!
[Rockets firing.]
End of transcript
The default for human memory is to forget.
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 , on 19 November 2021 at 9:58 PM
Smajor1995
I realized something.
Grian
Yeah?
Smajor1995
The relationships we formed during those two servers. To everyone else…they don’t exist. Like, all the alliances…and the enemies we made…they don’t remember any of that.
Grian
Oh. Yeah…
Smajor1995
I talked with Jimmy earlier today. And it was…weird. To say the least. I remember so much more than he does. In--in my eyes, our friendship is a lot more…I dunno, fleshed out , I guess? I mean, we spent so much time together in--y’know, 3rd Life--but he doesn’t remember any of that.
He doesn’t remember any of the time he spent with me.
And--and I noticed that today, more than anything. He seemed more…distant? I guess? I mean, we’ve talked in Empires, it’s not like we’re strangers, but we’re also not…close.
Grian
Scott, I’m sorry.
Smajor1995
[Scoffs.] What are you sorry for? You didn’t ask for this.
Grian
You didn’t either.
End of transcript
Our ideas are said to be in our memories when indeed they are actually nowhere.
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 during Minecraft Championships 19 on 11 December 2021 at 8:03 PM
Smajor1995
Hey, Grian.
Grian
Oh, Scott! Hello, it’s been a while.
Smajor1995
Yeah. Yeah—um, how’ve you been?
Grian
[Long pause.]
Same as before, I suppose.
Smajor1995
[Heavy sigh.] I…yeah, me too. I can’t—I keep thinking about it. I—I can’t stop dreaming about it, either. And no matter how many times I wake up, and wish that it was all just an awful nightmare, I know it was real. And no one else remembers it at all. Except you.
Grian
Is that why you didn’t put any of the members on your team? You’re running away from them?
Smajor1995
[Silence.]
Grian
Scott, you can’t just--
Smajor1995
Grian, I—I can’t. I—how much longer do I have to go on like this? When does it stop?
Grian
[Silence.]
Smajor1995
You still dream of it too, don’t you? You can’t tell me when it stops because it—it doesn’t. It just--
[One Minute to MCC! begins to play.]
Smajor1995
Ah. Well, good luck to your team. I’ll see you later.
Grian
Y’know, the guilt never really goes away if the memory stays.
Smajor1995
[Softly.] I never asked to remember.
Grian
I know.
[Inaudible.]
[Overlapping.]
[One Minute to MCC! continues to play.]
[Fireworks burst.]
Grian
I’m sorry.
End of transcript
We have a duty to remember.
Transcript from Game 2: Hole in the Wall on 11 December 2021 at 8:27 PM
[Bells jingling.]
[Footsteps.]
Smallishbeans
Oh hey, Scott! Been a minute, huh?
Smajor1995
Yeah…yeah, haven’t seen you in a…while.
Smallishbeans
[Small laugh.] Yeah. Y’know, we should chat more, I didn’t even talk to you all that much in Empires.
SolidarityGaming
Oh, hey guys! Look at you, Scott, chatting with everyone. When’d you get this social?
[Bell dings.]
[Jingling speeds up.]
Smajor1995
[Strained.] Is this the best time for a chat?
SolidarityGaming
[Laughter.]
[Bell dings.]
[Jingling speeds up.]
Smajor1995
Falling from here is a bit terrifying, isn’t it?
Smallishbeans
[Short laugh.] I guess. I mean, at least we always respawn. Bit less scary when you just sit right back up, annoyed that you lost.
[Bells jingling.]
[Death sound effect.]
[Respawn click.]
[Spectators murmur.]
Smajor1995
At least we always respawn.
[End of round bell rings.]
End of transcript
Transcript between Pink Presents from Game 3: Battle Box on 11 December 2021 at 8:53 PM
Shubble
Scott! He’s on one HP! Kill ‘em!
Smajor1995
I—
[Damage tick.]
WilburSoot
[Cheers.] That’s the last one! C’mon, let’s get the wool in.
Shubble
Scott? You alright? How come you’re just standing there?
Smajor1995
[Shakily.] Ah. Ah, it’s—it’s nothing.
Shubble
You sure? You look pretty shaken up for some reason.
[Victory jingle.]
JackManifoldTV
[Distantly] Yo, I got three kills that round!
Smajor1995
I’m fine.
[Distant voices and cheers.]
Smajor1995
[Whispered.] I’m fine.
8:55 PM
[Background chatter.]
Shubble
[Hushed.] Are you sure you’re all good? I know a round is about to start, but if you’re feeling sick or something, I can call for a pause—
Smajor1995
[Hurriedly.] No—no, really. I’m fine. I just…remembered something.
Shubble
Okay…lemme know if you need anything, kay?
Smajor1995
Alright…thanks, Shelby.
Shubble
Anytime.
End of transcript
Transcript from Game 8: Survival Games on 11 December 2021 at 10:35
[Swords clash.]
[Damage tick.]
InTheLittleWood
Jeez, Scott, why’re you so hesitant to hit me back? You keep blocking—[Laughter.]—at this point I’ll get a free kill.
Smajor1995
[Scoffs.]
[Damage tick.]
InTheLittleWood
Ouch. There you go.
[Swords clash.]
[Critical hit lands.]
InTheLittleWood
Did you not practice at all for this game?
Smajor1995
Something like that.
[Potion splashing.]
[Footsteps.]
InTheLittleWood
[Distantly.] Oh. He ran away. Ow, god damn it, was that poison?
[Footsteps slow.]
Smajor1995
Fuck. [Shaky sigh.] Damn it.
[Sword clatters to the ground.]
End of transcript
Memory underwrites our identities as individuals and our ties to other people.
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 11 December 2021 at 10:41 PM
Grian
Hey. Good game.
Smajor1995
Thanks--you too.
Grian
[Beat of silence.]
Be honest with me here.
Are you…okay? You seem…[Trails off.]
Smajor1995
[Humorless laugh.] What gave it away?
Grian
Let’s just say, after everything that’s happened, I got used to reading people’s emotions.
Smajor1995
Battle Box.
Grian
Ah.
Smajor1995
Sky Battle and Survival Games, I can just run away, but…
[Sigh.] Why am I trying to explain? It’s not like I could justify it, anyway. They don’t have to deal with the memories of holding that stupid, bloody sword, and playing with lives in a stupid, sickening game. They get to live in ignorance--
Grian
It’s not their fault.
Smajor1995
I know.
Grian
And it’s not your fault, either.
Smajor1995
[Silence.]
End of transcript
To what extent does memory construct and maintain the continuity of personal identity over time?
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 2 January 2022 at 3:02 PM
Smajor1995
I’ve been thinking again.
Grian
Tell me something I don’t know.
Smajor1995
Ouch.
Grian
No--[Heavy sigh.]--I didn’t mean to aim that at you. I understand. I’m always thinking about what happened then…whether I want to or not.
Smajor1995
Okay.
Grian
Are you up to sharing?
Smajor1995
Why do you think I’m calling you right now?
Grian
Okay. Go ahead.
Smajor1995
Just…do you ever think about the people we’ve never met outside of 3rd and Last Life?
Grian
…Oh.
Smajor1995
To them, we’ve never interacted. I know I brought up that whole thing about friendships not being as fleshed out or whatever, but to other people in those worlds, we’ve never met. It’s just…weird to think about.
Grian
Weird is one way to put it.
Smajor1995
I was thinking about BigB in particular.
Grian
Yeah. I can see how that would make you feel.
[Beat of silence.] Skizz is another one. Impulse and Tango still think I know him as just “their friend”. We’ve never met outside of 3rd and Last Life.
Smajor1995
Do you think they could remember? Like—if we could somehow make them remember—
Grian
Do you really want to put them through that, though?
Smajor1995
I…
Grian
Between the two of us hurting, and everyone hurting, which do you think is the better option here?
Smajor1995
[Long silence.]
Is it selfish to think that…sometimes, I wish they knew? Even though I--we--know how much it hurts to remember?
Grian
…No. No, I don’t think so.
Smajor1995
Why is that?
Grian
I’m a hypocrite. I shouldn’t have asked you that question. I wish they knew all the time.
End of transcript
Plato’s theory of recollection: We are born possessing all knowledge and our realization of that knowledge is contingent in our discovery of it. The soul is trapped in the body.
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 18 January 2022 at 9:34 PM
Smajor1995
Do I bother you with these talks?
Grian
No. Not at all. It’s hard to talk about what happened, yeah, but it feels so good to finally have someone I can confide in.
Smajor1995
I keep forgetting you’ve known longer than me.
Grian
It’s okay.
Smajor1995
[Sigh.] I wish I could forget all of it. Leave it all behind, be oblivious to the fact it ever happened.
Grian
I don’t think I’ve gone a day without wishing that same thing.
Smajor1995
If I had the chance, I’d throw these memories away without a second thought.
Grian
Would you?
Smajor1995
What?
Grian
Despite it all, aren’t there moments you’d want to remember? Lessons you learned, relationships you’d formed? Even if the others don’t remember, the whole ordeal built up part of who we are now.
Smajor1995
You keep saying things and then moments later, saying something that conflicts it.
Grian
I know. I’m sorry. It’s just so hard.
Smajor1995
You apologize so much.
Grian
[Short pause.] I think it’s become a habit now. I can’t stop regretting, so I can’t stop saying sorry.
Smajor1995
Apologies mean nothing when those who deserve them don’t even remember what you’re apologizing for.
Grian
Well, maybe this is why I’m doomed to remember. So I can endlessly reconcile for things that have no meaning anymore.
Smajor1995
You’ve got to stop blaming yourself.
Grian
We’re the same, then.
End of transcript
These events, if they were not preserved by memory, would vanish instantly, and leave us as ignorant as if they had never been.
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 12 February 2022 at 8:24 AM
Grian
I had an…interesting dream last night.
Smajor1995
Uh huh?
Grian
I dreamt of 3rd life but…we didn’t fight. It was…it was peaceful. We helped each other. Protected each other. No bloodlust, or traps, and—and I can’t stop wondering, why did it happen the way it did?
Smajor1995
I—
Grian
Was all the violence really necessary? Or are we just that c-cruel—[Cuts off shakily.]
Smajor1995
Grian. Grian . Calm down.
Look at me. Look at yourself. Think of those who were in that hell with us. Would you hurt all those people so badly without hesitation? Would any of us do such a thing?
Grian
No. No, of course, I wouldn’t.
Smajor1995
Just the fact that we regret this so badly shows that’s not who we were. Even with those memories sticking with us, we know that.
Grian
[Sigh.] Why did it turn out this way then?
Smajor1995
I…don’t know.
Grian
I just…I remember this feeling of “I have to do this”. The top of my priorities was survival, and all else was just…I don’t know. Disposable? Unimportant?
Smajor1995
There were curses, you know. The red life bloodlust and the boogeyman in Last Life. I wouldn’t be surprised if those entire goddamn servers were cursed, and made us all throw away our inhibitions and any care for one another.
Grian
But—[shaky laugh.]—we still did those things. We did them, and there’s no taking it back, even if we weren’t in our right minds. Deep down, something within us allowed us—encouraged us, even—to do these terrible things. The curse just…drew it out. Scott…are we bad people?
Smajor1995
Is Scar a bad person? Is Jimmy? Are Martyn, Impulse, Bdubs, Etho, everyone—do you think they are?
Grian
No.
Smajor1995
We’re all just unfortunate people who got dragged into a game that brought out the worst in us. We never wanted to do this. No one did.
I…I feel the same way as you, all the time. This is just what I keep repeating to myself.
Grian
[Soft laughter.] We keep going in circles. I regret, and you swear it’s not my fault. You hurt, and I promise you it’s okay. And yet we repeat, as if none of these words mean a thing.
Smajor1995
What, would you rather we fall apart in silence, by ourselves?
Grian
No—no, of course not.
I just wonder, when can we finally heal? I’ve remembered far longer than you have and it’s still agonizing. We’ve survived, but are we really living right now?
Smajor1995
I…
Grian
[Shaky sigh.] It’s been more than half a year, Scott. I’m so tired.
End of transcript
The memories you have are your own, therefore you must be the same person who experienced them—
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 1 March 2022 at 2:39 PM
Grian
Sometimes I wonder if everything I’m feeling is irrational. I mean, everyone’s fine— I’m fine now, so—
Smajor1995
Yeah, right. You’re not “fine”, neither of us are. We literally went through two death games, don’t even start to think that anything is irrational with your emotions.
Grian
But still…is it odd to grieve people who are alive?
Smajor1995
[Sad laugh.] I don’t know. I wonder the same thing.
Grian
It feels like I’m missing someone who’s gone now, despite them being only minutes away.
Smajor1995
I mean, we’ve seen sides of them that even they haven’t seen. We grew close to versions of these people that vanished with their memories.
Grian
Sometimes, I look them in the eyes and see red irises staring back. I—I don’t know what to think anymore, Scott. I miss and mourn these people, I still see remnants of who they used to be, but it’s all in my head. There’s nothing left of the people they were in those death games, and I don’t know if I’m relieved or not.
Smajor1995
Yeah it’s…[Sigh.] I think it’s reasonable to miss those people. I miss them, too. But I also feel like maybe it’s best that those parts of these people are gone and don’t remember the conflicts and pain that came with those memories.
Grian
God, why couldn’t we just leave all of it behind and forget too? Sometimes I feel like we…we owe it to them to remember. Like it’s not—it’s not fair to just bury everyone’s pain in the past and pretend it didn’t exist, but…
God. I’m—I’m sick of thinking. Of this. Of everything, really. It’s all so much.
Smajor1995
I don’t want to think about it either.
Grian
I’m sorry.
Smajor1995
You always are.
Grian
What else can I say?
Smajor1995|
I don’t know. I’m sorry too, but where has that gotten us? No matter what we do, we keep going in circles—everything we think about comes back to the past. Even if we’re not there physically, we can’t forget those vivid events.
We’re trapped, Grian. We’re not free from those games. We never were.
Grian
[Silence.]
End of transcript
—but when it comes to those who lose their memory, you must ask the question of whether or not they are still the same person.
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 5 March 2022 at 8:43 PM
Grian
Hermitcraft Season 9 started today.
Smajor1995
Oh, nice.
Grian
Yeah…I’m—[small laugh.]—I’m honestly really relieved, more than anything.
Smajor1995
Relieved? Not excited?
Grian
I mean, of course I’m excited. It’s a new season! So many ideas, things to be built, pranks to be dealt, but…[Trails off.]
Smajor1995
But?
Grian
I’m relieved because, at the end of the last season, I was scared that there would be no more. That…that they’d all be gone.
Smajor1995
Ah. Season 8’s end was a bit…unconventional, wasn’t it?
Grian
You could say that, yeah. But with that disaster…and after 3rd Life, the fear of permadeath is constantly nagging at my mind. I can’t stop thinking, ‘ What if this is really where they die for good?’ I…I didn’t want to experience that again.
Smajor1995
You were able to contact everyone after, though, right?
Grian
I mean, yeah, but immediately after the end I just couldn’t stop thinking. And even when I knew they were alright, I don’t think my anxiety entirely eased until today when everything was…back to normal.
Smajor1995
Yeah, that’s reasonable. I…I felt that way too, at the end of Empires.
Grian
[Scoffs.] What is it with our servers and getting utterly destroyed? We’re always surrounded by chaos and hurt.
Smajor1995
Sometimes I think we were just doomed from the start.
End of transcript
The lowest points in our lives seem to be far more memorable than the highest. Our suffering remains in the corners of our minds while the joy fades away quietly.
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 14 April 2022 at 9:27 PM
Grian
It’s 9 PM, which means my brain goes wild again.
Smajor1995
Should I be worried?
Grian
Eh…probably not.
Anyway, so. I was thinking—what even caused us to be put into those games? We just…didn’t question it, as if we had all been there voluntarily. But who the hell would agree to something like that? Plus, how would that stuff even be set up? I’ve been wondering about all this for a while.
Smajor1995
Oh, that’s a lot—
Grian
And, also, what’s stopping it from happening again?
Smajor1995
I—I really don’t want to think about that.
Grian
Like I’ve said before, neither of us want it to be true. But it’s already happened twice, without warning—we don’t know what causes it, and it could happen all over again.
Smajor1995
You know what else’ll happen?
Grian
What?
Smajor1995
Someone else will remember.
End of transcript
Memory’s curse holds us all in its grasp, whether it be the melancholy of remembering, or the anguish of forgetting.
Transcript between Smajor1995 and SolidarityGaming on 16 April 2022 at 4:09 PM
Smajor1995
Ever wonder what it’d be like to be in a server where you just…didn’t respawn if you died too many times?
SolidarityGaming
Wow, um. [Laughter.] That sounds awful. Especially because…well, I don’t have the best track record when it comes to not dying.
Smajor1995
[Humorless laugh.] Yeah.
SolidarityGaming
Why? Are you…planning to make a server like that?
Smajor1995
No. Like you said, it’s an awful idea.
End of transcript
Can remembering truly be the basis of personal identity, when remembering presupposes a self who remembers?
Transcript between Grian and Goodtimewithscar on 8 June 2022 at 11:09 PM
Goodtimewithscar
Something on your mind, G?
Grian
[Small laugh.] What gave it away?
Goodtimewithscar
You have that look on your face. Your “deep thought” face. Like you’re planning an elaborate prank or something.
Grian
It’s not a prank, I promise.
Goodtimewithscar
This time, at least.
But do you want to talk? Can I help in any way?
Grian
[Stammering] N-no. Thanks for the offer, though.
Goodtimewithscar
You sure?
Grian
Yeah. It’s just my brain, being stupid.
Goodtimewithscar
Well, tell your brain to screw off for me, okay? It’s far too sunny of a day for you to be feeling down in the dumps.
Grian
[Small laugh.] I’ll make sure to.
End of transcript
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 8 June 2022 at 12:27 PM
Grian
It’s been one year since 3rd Life.
Smajor1995
[Long silence.]
Wow. Uh--wow, what do I even say to that?
Grian
It doesn’t feel like a year, that’s for sure. But I don’t know if it feels like a shorter or longer amount of time.
Smajor1995
Yeah.
Grian
Scar came up to me today. Must’ve been like an open book, because even he had no trouble reading my face. Asked what was on my mind. You can imagine how that conversation went.
Smajor1995
I can.
Grian
I still think about those final moments. When it was just Scar and I left. At the time, I was optimistic that we could both win. I thought the game would end there. But…
Smajor1995
The spectators wanted a fight.
Grian
So we went back to the desert. And I had to--
Smajor1995
Grian, please don’t talk about it if you’re not ready.
Grian
No--I think I am. I’ve avoided talking about what happened, even after you started remembering, but I think I’m ready now.
Smajor1995
Okay.
Grian
[Deep breath.] I remember feeling so hopeless when we were in that cactus circle. It was only made worse by Scar, who despite it all, hoped for the best. And then we started the fight, and I just--
[Silence.]
Grian
He was never the best at PvP. It wasn’t even a hard fight, in the end.
We kept telling each other we were sorry, even as we landed blow after blow on the other.
I landed the final blow, and he was…gone. Just like that.
[Silence continues.]
Grian
I wish it was me who had died. But, at the same time, I’m happier with this outcome. Because Scar isn’t in my place, with these memories. He’s completely ignorant of what happened in that world…and the world that came after. He doesn’t have to deal with that constant hurt.
After everything I did to him in that world, I feel like this is the least I could do.
Smajor1995
Grian…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I wish I could say more, but…I don’t know what to say, except that I’m sorry.
Grian
Don’t worry. You being here, listening to me, is more than enough.
End of transcript
Nothing is ever really lost to us as long as we remember it.
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 12 June 2022 at 2:45 AM
Smajor1995
Hey, Grian?
Grian
Dude, what is it with you and calling me at 2 AM?
Smajor1995
[Soft laugh.] Oops, sorry.
Grian
Nah, it’s alright. Did you need something?
Smajor1995
Oh, uh, yeah…how…how do you deal with the nightmares?
Grian
You say that as if I’m capable of coping with anything.
Smajor1995
[Sigh.] Sorry. I shouldn’t have woken you up for this.
Grian
No, don’t apologize. You clearly need someone to talk to, I’m not just gonna hang up and leave you alone with your nightmares.
Mind if I ask what it’s about?
Smajor1995
I was just about to tell you.
Grian
Okay.
Smajor1995
I was back in the flower forest with Jimmy. We were planting rosebushes by our house. I thought it was going to be a nice dream, but, well…
There was a noise by our entrance, and we both looked over to see you, bloody and bruised. Scar wasn’t at your side. Jimmy asked what was wrong, and you said, through tears, “He’s gone. I had to kill him.”
The look in your eyes was so haunted, so broken, that I don’t think I’ll forget it for a long time.
I woke up a few moments after that.
[Silence.]
Smajor1995
The scariest part? Our surroundings didn’t change when you told us that. The sky was still cloudless, the sun was still shining…you looked so out of place among the flowers, bringing that news.
I guess that dream can be used to describe 3rd and Last Life, huh? Its facade seems harmless, but there’s darker things lurking behind it all.
Grian
Scott…I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.
Smajor1995
[Scoffs.] You apologize too much.
End of transcript
Is it a curse or a blessing that we can never return to the events that reside in our memories?
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 17 June 2022 at 8:00 AM
Grian
Scott--Scott, can you hear me?
Smajor1995
Grian? Yeah--yeah, I can--
Grian
It’s happening again. Fuck, it’s happening again, Scott, I--
Smajor1995
Grian, where are you?
Grian
I--there’s a patch of mangrove swamp near me--
Smajor1995
I see the mangrove trees, I’m coming, stay there--
[Heavy breathing.]
[Grass rustles.]
[Running footsteps.]
Smajor1995
I see you. I see you, Grian, hold on, I’m coming.
Grian
It’s happening again. It’s happening again, Scott, it’s--
Smajor1995
Grian. Grian. Breathe with me here.
Grian
Don’t tell me it’s going to be okay. Don’t lie to me.
Smajor1995
I’m not going to do that. Please don’t tell me you’ve forgotten our conversations these last few months. Is that something I would do?
Grian
[Shaky breath.] No. No, it’s not.
How are you being so calm about this?
Smajor1995
Oh, I’m not. But I can’t be much help to you if I’m freaking out, too.
Grian
I’m s--
Smajor1995
Shut up. Don’t say sorry to me.
You have every right to panic right now.
Grian
I don’t want to go through it again.
Smajor1995
I know.
Grian
I--I don’t want it to happen a third time.
Smajor1995
I know.
I’m here to help now. It won’t be like Last Life. We’ll be there to help each other. Right?
Grian
Okay. [Inhale.] Okay.
Smajor1995
We might not be okay. But we’ll be there for one another.
Grian
[Hysterical laugh.] Will we? Will we be there for one another? Even when this entire server will inevitably end up turning against each other? We’re going to die, Scott. We’re going to watch our friends die. At one point, one of us will be alone. It ends this way, it always does—you said it yourself, we can’t escape it —
Smajor1995
Breathe, Grian.
Grian
[Shaky inhale.]
Smajor1995
You’re not alone anymore.
Grian
Even when this all ends, who’s to say it won’t happen again? Twice more? A hundred times over? We’re powerless to do anything about this. I can’t take any more of this. You were right. You were right, we—we’re locked in a cage with no keyhole.
Smajor1995
[Silence.]
Grian
And now, we’re doomed to remember, doomed to repeat. And soon, someone else will have to suffer too. This is—this is hell. An eternity of agony.
Smajor1995
Grian—
Grian
Comfort is worthless, Scott. What do we do? What the hell do we do?
Smajor1995
We survive. We survive and pray we can live again.
What else can we do?
End of transcript
To remember is to know that the past will never truly fade.