Work Text:
As the world falls apart, only the constellations will know what once was.
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 22 July 2022 at 2:03 AM
Grian
So are you going to talk to her?
Smajor1995
You do it. She’s on your server, not mine.
Grian
[Exasperated sigh.] Scott, I’m already dealing with my own shit over here with Scar. I don’t need to add Pearl to the list.
Smajor1995
You’re bitter.
Grian
[Sarcastically.] Ya think?
She may be on my server, but she’s your soulmate. I’m not gonna deal with that for you.
Smajor1995
Fine. Okay. No need to snap at me.
Grian
You started it.
Smajor1995
I--[Catches himself.] Whatever. I’ll talk to her.
Grian
You’d better, before she starts remembering Last Life, too. I don’t want to have that first conversation with her.
Smajor1995
[Sigh.] Bye, Grian.
End of transcript
What do our ties to other people mean to us?
Transcript of Smajor1995 on 22 July 2022 at 3:32 AM
[Footsteps.]
Smajor1995
“Pearl, I need to talk to you.” No.
“I have something to tell you.” No, too serious.
“What’s up, Pearl?” No…too casual.
[Sighs.] What the hell am I doing?
[Footsteps stop.]
Just talk to her, Scott. Rip the band-aid off.
You’ll feel better afterward.
[Silence.]
Oh, who am I kidding?
What does “better” even entail in this kind of situation?
[Footsteps resume.]
“Pearl, can we talk?”
“Pearl, there’s something important we need to discuss.”
God, how am I even going to explain this to her…?
“Guess what, this isn’t even the first time this has happened. It’s occurred twice before. Good news is, you’re not alone in your torment. Grian and I are here for you.” [Sarcastically.] Hooray.
[Pause.]
I don’t want to tell her.
It’ll be easier once the conversation starts, right? Can I at least have that?
…God, I hate that I have to do this.
[Sighs.]
I’m sorry, Pearl.
End of transcript
One of the hardest parts of caring about someone is telling them the truth.
Transcript between PearlescentMoon and Smajor1995 on 22 July 2022 at 4:14 AM
Smajor1995
[Deep breath.] Hey, Pearl—
PearlescentMoon
[Harshly.] Scott.
Smajor1995
Oh, I don’t like that tone.
PearlescentMoon
[Shakily.] Scott, what the f—
Smajor1995
Okay, okay—hold on, I can—I can explain.
PearlescentMoon
Yeah, you’d better—[Groans.]—ugh, gimme a moment, I feel ill.
Smajor1995
Yeah, it’s…it’s overwhelming at first.
PearlescentMoon
[Shaky inhale.] Okay. Okay, explain. Everything.
Smajor1995
I’m sorry, I kept meaning to tell you sooner, but--
PearlescentMoon
Stop putting it off and just explain it to me.
Smajor1995
I—well—[Groans.]—god, I wish I had Grian here with me—how much do you remember?
PearlescentMoon
Grian? What’s he got to do with this?
Smajor1995
Please just answer the question.
PearlescentMoon
Oh, um…well, bits and pieces. I remember the big picture of it all, but not the smaller details.
There’s some stuff I remember that doesn’t fit in though, like…oh, gosh, what was it…I was in a room with Etho, Ren, and Martyn. I pushed a button, and TNT fell from the ceiling, killing Ren. But I don’t--where does that fit in? Why didn’t BigB die too? I don’t--
Smajor1995
[Heavy exhale.] Of course that’s the first thing you recall. Okay, um…let’s just say…this isn’t the first time something like this has happened.
PearlescentMoon
What? What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Smajor1995
This has happened more than once. You’re not the first to remember everything, and you probably won’t be the last.
PearlescentMoon
“The first to remember”? What, doesn’t everybody?
Smajor1995
[Incredulous.] N--no! Surely you’ve noticed that everyone else in that game seems to be ignorant of it!
PearlescentMoon
No, I haven’t! I’ve been holed up in my base ever since it ended trying to make sense of it all! Not like anyone’s awake for me to talk to, it’s 2 in the damn morning!
Smajor1995
[Under breath.] Grian’s up, but he’s not doing anything.
PearlescentMoon
[Barreling on.] Then you called me, trying to explain, and now I’m even more confused than before! What do you mean, I’m not the first to remember? And why do you?
Smajor1995
Pearl, you were just in a death game. We were both in a death game. This is the third time it’s happened, and only the winners of each game remember when it ends. That’s you, me, and Grian. Everyone else forgets completely.
PearlescentMoon
[Silence.]
That…that was real? I did everything I remember in that game? I…I really killed those peop--[Cuts off shakily.]
Smajor1995
…Yes. There’s no way to sugarcoat it.
PearlescentMoon
I’m gonna throw up. What the hell. What the hell--
Smajor1995
Pearl, breathe in for me. Slowly.
PearlescentMoon
[Between shaky breaths.] A--and no one else remembers? Just the three of us?
Smajor1995
That’s right.
PearlescentMoon
Okay. Okay.
[Deep breath.] What…what were the other two games before the one we were just in?
Smajor1995
The first-ever was 3rd Life--that’s the one Grian won. You weren’t there, but you got dragged in the second time, when Last Life happened. That’s where that memory, the one you don’t think fits in with the others, happened. The one that ended with you killing Ren.
PearlescentMoon
I killed people in two death games. Oh my god--
Smajor1995
Pearl, we all did.
PearlescentMoon
What’s wrong with me? What was I thinking?
Smajor1995
Pearl, none of us were thinking straight. Those games are cursed, they make you…they make you act like someone you aren’t.
PearlescentMoon
But I did those things. Those memories belong to me.
Scott, what did I do? What do I do?
Smajor1995
…I don’t have a clear answer to that question.
PearlescentMoon
[Desperate.] Do you have a clear answer to anything?
Smajor1995
No. And I’ve been looking for half a year.
End of transcript
We are meant to fall together.
Transcript between Grian and GoodTimeWithScar on 22 July 2022 at 7:45 AM
GoodTimeWithScar
You’re up early.
Grian
You are too.
GoodTimeWithScar
Gotta start the resource grind early. What about you? What’s your reason?
Grian
[Hesitates.]
I…couldn’t sleep last night.
GoodTimeWithScar
Oh no, what happened?
Grian
Had a lot on my mind, I guess.
GoodTimeWithScar
Aw, I’m sorry to hear that. Are you good now?
Grian
…I dunno.
[Changing topics quickly.] How’s your base coming along?
GoodTimeWithScar
[Enthusiastically.] Oh, you should come see if when you have the time! It’s going great, I’m really happy with how it’s turning out so far.
Grian
That’s good. I’ll be sure to stop by when I can.
GoodTimeWithScar
Sounds good! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have some sand and gravel to collect. See you, G!
[Rockets firing.]
Grian
[Heavy sigh.]
God damn it.
End of transcript
We are meant to heal together.
Transcript between Grian and PearlescentMoon on 22 July 2022 at 9:09 AM
[Rockets firing.]
[Soft thud.]
[Footsteps.]
PearlescentMoon
Grian.
Grian
[Yawns.] ‘Morning. Oh, hi, Pearl.
PearlescentMoon
Don’t you “Hi, Pearl” me.
Grian
…So Scott called you, then?
PearlescentMoon
Yes, he did. He tried to explain things, but honestly, I’m still so confused. I was…hoping you could explain things to me.
Grian
Sure. What questions do you have?
PearlescentMoon
[Scoffs.] You’re a welcome difference from Scott. We were practically yelling at each other the whole time last night, when he called to explain.
How are you being so casual about this right now?
Grian
You should’ve seen me last night. Barely got any sleep. I’m too tired for another breakdown.
PearlescentMoon
Oh. Um…are you holding out alright?
Grian
I should be asking you that.
PearlescentMoon
I’m doing good as I can be, given the…current situation. Which doesn’t set the bar very high.
Grian
Want to come in? We can talk, if you want.
PearlescentMoon
Please.
[Footsteps.]
Grian
You’re lucky, you know.
PearlescentMoon
[Scoffs.] I have a very hard time believing that.
Grian
No, I’m serious. You have a soulmate that remembers everything. You can talk to them about things, maybe reconcile after what happened in Double Life. You can heal, together.
I don’t have that luxury.
PearlescentMoon
Oh. Grian…
Grian
It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.
PearlescentMoon
But it’s not okay. This whole thing isn’t fair. You shouldn’t have to deal with this. None of us should.
Grian
[Sighs.] I tell myself that every day. Yet here we are.
End of transcript
Humans are inherently wounded. We pick each other back up, and fall apart again.
Transcript between PearlescentMoon and Smajor1995 during Minecraft Championships 23 on 23 July 2022 at 8:05 PM
PearlescentMoon
Oh. Scott. Hi.
Smajor1995
Ah. Right, same team. Hello.
PearlescentMoon
Did you plan this? What kind of twisted joke…?
Smajor1995
[Scoffs.] No. The teams were put together before we were dragged into that whole…mess.
PearlescentMoon
Of course this event happens right after it all. If I have to kill anyone today, I might just throw up.
Smajor1995
I…yeah, same here. I’ve managed to get through it so far, though.
PearlescentMoon
Just—just yesterday, I fought people. I killed people. I watched as they died and didn’t respawn. I was the cause of some of those permadeaths. I…oh god, I can’t stop thinking about it.
Smajor1995
Well, to be fair, your brain was kinda messed up at the time. Remember, that entire server was cursed, and we were all blinded by the urge to survive. Everyone else was seen as competition and needed to be eliminated…hence all the killing.
PearlescentMoon
[Heavy sigh.] Is this your idea of a pep talk? Because it really doesn’t make me feel any better.
Smajor1995
It’s been over a year for Grian, and he still can’t cope with it all. We’re stuck in this hell together, Pearl.
PearlescentMoon
Scott, you’re seriously not helping.
Smajor1985
Sorry. I’m just so angry at the world right now.
[One Minute to MCC! starts playing.]
Smajor1995
We’ll get through it. We’re here together, after all.
PearlescentMoon
I feel like that’s pointless when we’re both on the verge of breaking down the moment someone’s blood lands on our hands.
Smajor1995
[Sigh.] There’s nothing we can do, really.
[Fireworks explode.]
PearlescentMoon
Will there ever be?
End of transcript
There is no escaping the inevitable fall, so we hold hands and close our eyes and take the dive together.
Transcript between Cyan Coyotes from Game 1: Survival Games on 23 July 2022 at 8:23 PM
[Running.]
PearlescentMoon
[Heavy breathing.] I can’t bring myself to raise my sword against anyone. All I see is Bdubs, and—and Cleo. I’m killing them again, just like I did in Double Life. I-- god.
Smajor1995
I know. I…
falsesymmetry
[Distantly.] Guys, over here! We’ve gotta stick together!
PearlescentMoon
God damn it.
Smajor1995
What?
PearlescentMoon
Martyn’s over there. No way in hell I’m facing him.
Smajor1995
[Shouting.] Orange is there! Come back here, I don’t think we can take ‘em.
[Normal volume.] If we just avoid everyone and survive, we’ll do fine. It’s Survival Games. Survival is in its name.
PearlescentMoon
[Repeating.] We’ll be fine. Yeah. We’ll be fine.
[Footsteps.]
[8:28 PM]
Jojosolos
You guys get any kills that game?
PearlescentMoon
…Nah.
Jojosolos
Ah, that’s too bad. Maybe in the later games, it’s still the first one.
Smajor1995
[Humorless laugh.] Yeah, maybe next time. Kills aren’t worth much for now, anyway.
[Teleportation woosh.]
[Crowd chattering.]
Smajor1995
[Whispered.] They were never worth it.
End of transcript
Transcript between Cyan Coyotes from Game 3: Sky Battle on 23 July 2022 at 9:05 PM
Smajor1995
[Whispered.] Sky Battle is a bit more…frantic? Fast-paced, I guess. It’s harder to avoid combat. Worse comes to worst, pop a creeper down and run.
PearlescentMoon
[Sigh.] This isn’t gonna be fun.
falsesymmetry
Alright. Scott, bridge over there—Pearl, go with him. Jojo and I will get the stuff here and follow.
Smajor1995
Got it.
[Blocks placing.]
[Footsteps.]
[Chest creaks.]
[Distant TNT explosion.]
PearlescentMoon
[Sharp yell.]
falsesymmetry
Pearl! Everything okay over there? What happened?
PearlescentMoon
[Shakily.] I’m fine! I’m fine! The TNT just…it just startled me.
falsesymmetry
Alright. C’mon, hurry up, we should head towards the center now.
PearlescentMoon
Okay. You lead the way.
Jojosolos
Purple’s up ahead. We’re probably gonna have to take ‘em.
Smajor1995
Seriously? I don’t think we could beat them.
Jojosolos
Better to go out in a fight and get some kills than to die by the border. C’mon.
PearlescentMoon
[Inaudible cursing.]
[Footsteps.]
PeteZahHutt
[Distantly.] Cyan on our right! We can take ‘em.
[Rapid footsteps.]
[Crossbows firing.]
[Swords clashing.]
[Multiple damage ticks.]
GeeNelly
Shoot, guys, I’m lo—
[Damage tick.]
FalseSymmetry
Got one kill!
[Overlapping.]
[Swords clashing.]
[Multiple damage ticks.]
Smajor1995
I killed Phi--
[TNT placed.]
[Sizzling.]
Jojosolos
Shit. Guys—
[Explosion.]
PeteZahHutt
[Cheers.] Got three of them!
SmallishBeans
[Short laugh.] There goes your whole team, Pearl.
[Swords clashing.]
[Damage tick.]
PearlescentMoon
I can see that.
Smallishbeans
Woah, you’re shaking a lot, Pearl. You good?
[Swords clashing.]
[Damage tick.]
PearlescentMoon
[Scoffs.] You are literally trying to stab me right now, and you’re asking me if I’m good?
Smallishbeans
Fair point.
[Damage tick.]
Smallisbeans
I mean…you look pale. Are you feeling alright?
PearlescentMoon
I’m--[Damage tick.] I’m fine.
Smallishbeans
Alright. Now I won’t feel like I’ve got an easy kill.
[Critical hit lands.]
PearlescentMoon
F--Joel, I’m on 2 hearts--
Smallishbeans
That’s the point.
[Damage tick.]
[Respawn button clicks.]
PearlescentMoon
[Shaky breath.]
Oh, god.
[9:17 PM]
Smajor1995
[Hushed.] Pearl, are you okay? What happened?
PearlescentMoon
[Strained.] Joel happened.
Smajor1995
Oh.
PearlescentMoon
All I could see in his eyes was red that wasn’t really there.
Smajor1995
I…yeah. He killed me in Double Life, too.
PearlescentMoon
[Humorless laugh.] He took both our green and yellow lives. That man is insane.
Smajor1995
Says you?
PearlescentMoon
Hey, at least I wasn’t responsible for taking away our red lives.
Smajor1995
[Short pause.] I…I still see the people who killed me—and who I killed—in my dreams, in their eyes…everywhere I go.
PearlescentMoon
Our mistakes are catching up to us.
Smajor1995
They’ll never catch the others. They get to run away forever, never looking back, never knowing what’s behind them.
…I don’t know if that’s a source of comfort or torment.
PearlescentMoon
I hate this. We can’t run away. We’re stuck in place while our past hunts us down.
Smajor1995
[Sighs.] It can’t be helped.
PearlescentMoon
Do you think we’ll ever be able to move forward?
Smajor1995
I don’t know.
PearlescentMoon
[Bitter.] You never have an answer for me.
Smajor1995
[Countering.] Do you think we’ll ever stop looking back?
PearlescentMoon
[Silence.]
Smajor1995
Exactly.
End of transcript
Transcript between PearlescentMoon and Smajor1995 on 23 July 2022 at 10:47 PM
[Fireworks burst.]
[Cheering.]
PearlescentMoon
[Hushed.] God. That whole thing was awful. Please don’t put me in any events in the near future or I will actually lose it.
Smajor1995
Of course. The least I can do is give you a break after…everything.
PearlescentMoon
What about you? Are you still going to play?
Smajor1995
I’m sort of expected to play, I guess, since I’m the organizer. People would question me if I skipped an event.
PearlescentMoon
Just tell ‘em you’re busy or something.
Smajor1995
[Sigh.] I’m never busy enough to miss an MCC. No way Noxcrew would believe that.
PearlescentMoon
But you need to give yourself a chance to recover after that whole ordeal.
Smajor1995
I’ll be alright. Honestly. I think I’ve become a little used to the shock of it all.
PearlescentMoon
That’s not a good thing.
Smajor1995
I’m out of luck when it comes to good things.
End of transcript
To cure it of sorrow would destroy it.
Transcript between PearlescentMoon and Smajor1995 on 24 July 2022 at 11:08 PM
PearlescentMoon
I can’t stop thinking about it.
Smajor1995
Pearl, none of us can.
PearlescentMoon
No, I’m not thinking about Double Life in general.
I’m thinking of the final moments between you and me.
Smajor1995
[Silence.]
PearlescentMoon
Why did you do it? Why in the world did you kill yourself?
Smajor1995
I…
PearlescentMoon
Please, Scott. That’s the question that keeps me up at night.
Smajor1995
I…I’m sorry. I don’t know.
PearlescentMoon
You don’t know what?
Smajor1995
I don’t know why. I don’t know why I did it.
PearlescentMoon
Why? It’s not that hard.
Smajor1995
You of all people should know it isn’t.
PearlescentMoon
[Cold.] You’re hiding the real motive from me, aren’t you?
Smajor1995
[Silence.]
PearlescentMoon
Don’t pull that crap on me. The only time you have an answer for me, and you refuse to tell me! What kind of soulma--[Cuts off abruptly.]
Smajor1995
…Don’t make me talk about it. Please. It hurts too much to remember.
PearlescentMoon
But pain never lasts forever.
Smajor1995
Does it?
PearlescentMoon
[Silence.]
End of transcript
Our relationships are like stars, tied together with flimsy imaginary threads.
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 25 July 2022 at 2:46 AM
Grian
Calling me at 2 AM again? Of all your awful habits, this might be my least favorite one.
Smajor1995
I couldn’t sleep.
Grian
I’m starting to wonder if you ever sleep.
[Pause.]
Don’t worry, neither could I.
[Long silence.]
Smajor1995
Last night, Pearl asked me why I ended the game the way I did.
Grian
What’d you tell her?
Smajor1995
I…I told her I didn’t know why. And that I didn’t want to remember.
Grian
[Disappointed.] Scott.
Smajor1995
[Grasping at straws.] Half of it is true.
Grian
Scott…
Smajor1995
Okay, I know. I know. I just…what am I supposed to say?
Grian
Oh, I don’t know, how ‘bout the truth?
Smajor1995
[Heavy sigh.]
Grian
Stop running away. I keep saying this, but I mean it--you have a chance to make this better for the two of you! I know you don’t want to remember, but you have been anyway, haven’t you?
Smajor1995
[Scoffs.] Of course. I haven’t gone a day without thinking about it.
I still hear that final scream echoing in my mind from when she realized what I was doing. It almost seemed louder than the TNT, but that might just be because it hit me harder than that explosion.
I thought it would be better. She wouldn’t have to deal with the memory of being the one to end it all. It would’ve been like…like what happened with—
Grian
With Scar.
Smajor1995
…Yeah.
Grian
[Soft sigh.]
Smajor1995
If—if I had killed her instead, would she have even remembered? Was this really the best choice?
Grian
I don’t know. We’ll never know. It’s best not to dwell on it.
Smajor1995
I can’t help it. She doesn’t deserve this.
Grian
None of us did.
End of transcript
One of the easiest parts of caring about someone is lying to them.
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 26 July 2022 at 2:01 AM
Smajor1995
So we’ve traded places, then? You’re the one calling me at 2 AM now?
Grian
[Shakily.] Scott, please don’t joke right now.
Smajor1995
[Worriedly.] What happened?
Grian
I--I had another nightmare. Or, I guess, a dream that relived a bad memory.
Smajor1995
What memory was it?
Grian
My final fight with Scar in 3rd Life.
It felt so real. I could feel my fists hitting him, and the sun shining on my back. I felt the same way I did back then, full of anger and terror and overwhelming guilt …it felt like I was back in the moment. That I was experiencing it a second time.
…No, wait. I wasn’t experiencing it a second time. It’s the fourth fucking time, because we’ve been through the same death game three times and I’m so sick of it. It’s just the same old song and dance. We kill each other until there’s only one person left, and that person is the one left with the memories of that torment and anguish. We hurt each other, then hurt alone.
[Silence.]
I don’t know why I’m ranting to you. You don’t understand.
Smajor1995
Wh--what the hell makes you say that? Do our months--almost a year! --of conversations suddenly mean nothing to you?
Grian
You don’t know what it’s like to watch your friends die before your eyes. To—to kill the one you promised you’d stand by.
Smajor1995
At least you always had someone willing to die for you. I was alone.
Grian
And what was Pearl?
Smajor1995
Someone I was never there for. Not until my final moments with her.
And then I…proceeded to blow myself up, leaving her as the winner. And with it, the memories of that game, and the ones before it.
…God, Grian…I can’t stop hurting her.
Grian
And I can’t tell Scar I hurt him.
Smajor1995
What if we could start over? Completely. Hard reset. Have a new life.
Grian
Do you really want that?
Smajor1995
Grian, I would do anything if it means her forgiveness. I…I’m scared of her finding out the truth.
I would throw myself into a thousand more of those games if it meant I would have a chance to make it up with her…when she inevitably finds out.
Grian
[Sad laugh.] And I would throw myself into a thousand more of those games if it meant he knew that he’s the cause of my hurt. And he doesn’t even remember why.
Smajor1995
What if we could switch places?
Grian
Would you really give up your situation in exchange for mine?
Smajor1995
In a heartbeat.
Grian
Scott, I’m going to repeat this as many times as it takes for you to understand: At least you have an opportunity for forgiveness. I don’t. I have nothing.
End of transcript
We hurt over things that heal us.
Transcript between Grian, Smajor1995, and PearlescentMoon on 27 July 2022 at 6:07 PM
Smajor1995
Hey.
Grian
Oh, hey, Scott.
[Pause.]
And Pearl. Hi, Pearl.
PearlescentMoon
Hello…what’s this about?
Smajor1995
Well, we’ve all talked separately about what happened. I just thought it was about time we got together in one call.
Grian
Well, what is there to talk about?
Smajor1995
Are you kidding? Where to begin?
PearlescentMoon
Actually, I did want to get something off my shoulders.
Smajor1995
Yeah?
PearlescentMoon
What are the chances of me being the final winner and this never happening again?
Smajor1995
[Without hesitation.] Next to zero.
PearlescentMoon
I wanted to see if I could get my hopes up. Foolish of me. Never mind.
Grian
You know what’s funny? Or, I guess, coincidental, it’s not really funny…when Scott and I had our first proper talk about what happened, you know the first thing he asked me? “Do you think this will happen again?”
And you know what I told him?
“I’m not sure.”
But, well…here we are. Two games later.
Smajor1995
[Small, humorless laugh.] I guess it was foolish for me to get my hopes up.
PearlescentMoon
Hey, don’t say that. You weren’t sure at the time.
Smajor1995
I got my confirmation a few months later.
PearlescentMoon
Okay, this is getting us nowhere. Second question.
Have you guys ever tried to tell the others about everything?
Grian
[Scoffs.] They’d think we’re just playing some huge prank on them. We have no proof of any of the events, aside from our own recounts.
PearlescentMoon
Isn’t it worth trying, though?
Smajor1995
Level with me here. If someone came up to you and told you that you were in multiple death games where all logic and reason was thrown out the window and you killed multiple people due to a curse, would you believe them?
PearlescentMoon
…No, I guess not.
Grian
Not a very fun prank.
Smajor1995
The reward for us—and only us—was to remember. We’re alone in this, and we always will be.
PearlescentMoon
I don’t want to remember. It hurts so much. I wish I could forget.
Grian
We all wish we could forget.
PearlescentMoon
Do you think I could induce amnesia on myself if I slammed my head into the wall hard enough?
Smajor1995
Please…please don’t.
Grian
Take it from me. It doesn’t work.
Smajor1995
…Please don’t tell me you tried it out yourself.
Grian
Okay. I won’t.
Smajor1995
Jesus, Grian. Don’t go around doing shit like that.
Grian
Who’s gonna stop me?
Smajor1995
You sound like you want to be in pain.
Grian
It’s better than going numb.
PearlescentMoon
No wonder you two haven’t been able to move on, after all this time.
Smajor1995
Hey, I don’t think that’s warranted.
PearlescentMoon
You’re barely trying to move on. That’s the problem here. You’re getting nowhere, you’re just…going in circles. You have been for over a year.
Grian
But--
PearlescentMoon
I’m leaving.
Smajor1995
Pear--[Cuts off.]
She’s gone.
End of transcript
Do we truly know each other? Relationships only exist because we tell ourselves they exist.
Transcript between Grian and GoodTimeWithScar on 29 July 2022 at 6:59 PM
GoodTimeWithScar
You’ve gotta help me out here.
Grian
What now?
GoodTimeWithScar
Pearl’s been looking at me funny all day. I think she’s planning to prank me or something.
But she wasn’t very subtle about it! I sniffed her out!
Grian
Oh. Uh, good for you, Scar. She won’t be pranking you anytime soon.
GoodTimeWithScar
You can say that again! I busted her!
Grian
…That you did, Scar. Hey, listen…
GoodTimeWithScar
Yeah?
Grian
So…weird question.
If…if you were given the choice between saving yourself and saving me, which would you choose?
GoodTimeWithScar
[Pause, then a short laugh.] Wow. Um, I wasn’t expecting that. Why do you ask? That’s kind of…a deep question.
Grian
Just curious, I guess. Totally random thought.
GoodTimeWithScar
[Without hesitation.] Well, I’d choose to save you.
Grian
Wh--why? Why not yourself?
GoodTimeWithScar
Hm…I dunno. I guess I’ve never been a selfish person. My first instinct is to protect the people I care for, which, of course, includes you.
Grian
Even if it means you die if I’m saved?
GoodTimeWithScar
[Tiny pause.] Yeah. I’d still save you.
Grian
You always put others before yourself.
GoodTimeWithScar
[Small laugh.] Yeah, I guess!
Well…my turn. What would you choose? Yourself or me?
Grian
[Long silence.]
I…I don’t know what I’d choose.
End of transcript
We make many sacrifices for those around us.
Transcript between Grian and PearlescentMoon on 30 July 2022 at 10:09 AM
Grian
Morning, Pearl.
PearlescentMoon
Hey. G’morning.
Grian
What’ve you been up to?
PearlescentMoon
Oh, the usual. Building, socializing, having crises over the trauma of the life games, pranking people.
Grian
Ah. Pranking people, huh? Scar mentioned he saw you looking at him weird earlier. He thought you were gonna prank him.
PearlescentMoon
Oh. [Small laugh.] No, I wasn’t gonna prank him. Although, maybe I will now. Whatever—anyway, uh…Scott mentioned something. About you and Scar. I…I don’t know if it’s okay for me to ask this, but—
Grian
You want to know what happened between us?
PearlescentMoon
I can’t help but be curious, yes.
Grian
[Sighs.] If you want the full story, you should ask Scott. I really don’t wanna go over it all again. But, basically, you know of 3rd Life, right?
PearlescentMoon
The first of the life games? Yeah. I wasn’t in it, though, so I have no memory of it.
Grian
It worked like Double Life and Last Life, just without the soulbonds or boogeymen. Scar and I, we were a team during that game.
We stuck together through the whole ordeal, and at the end…at the end, it was just the two of us left. And only one could win.
So we fought. It…it was awful. That scene replays in my head endlessly. And—[Voice breaks.]—and after it all, I won. I killed him. And here I am now, with his blood in my hands and the knowledge of what I’d done.
PearlescentMoon
[Sadly.] Grian…
Grian
I know it’s better that way…that if he had won instead, he’d have to deal with these memories. But I can’t help but wish I’d cared more about him. I can’t stop thinking that if I truly cared, I would have taken the beating, the betrayal, the pain of it all.
PearlescentMoon
You do care. You care too much. That’s why you’re filled with regret.
Grian
Still. I feel like a monster for just…killing him like that.
PearlescentMoon
You’re sorry. That makes you more human than anything.
Grian
[Silence.]
But…sometimes I wish he was in my place. I’m selfish.
PearlescentMoon
No, you’re not. This doesn’t change anything, Grian. You’re human. I said it once, and I’ll say it a thousand more times until you understand what it means.
Grian
You’ll be telling me that for a long time, then.
End of transcript
Our love gives us life.
Transcript between PearlescentMoon and Smajor1995 on 2 August 2022 at 11:24 AM
Smajor1995
Pearl?
[Silence.]
Smajor1995
Are you there? Why’d you call me?
PearlescentMoon
…I’ve been thinking, Scott.
Smajor1995
[Small laugh.] Thinking too much never ends well.
PearlescentMoon
[Unamused.] You said the winners—and only the winners—remember. Yeah?
Smajor1995
Yup. The winner and the previous winners all remember the events, and it’s erased from everyone else’s minds.
PearlescentMoon
So I remember because you died first. Leaving me to win, even if it was for a split second only.
Smajor1995
Yes…where is this going?
PearlescentMoon
But you…you only died first because you blew yourself up.
Smajor1995
Um. Yes?
PearlescentMoon
Scott, would I have remembered if you hadn’t died first? If we’d fought, and you’d killed me, would we—would I be in this same place right now?
Smajor1995
[Silence.]
PearlescentMoon
[Coldly.] Answer me.
Smajor1995
It’s…possible that you wouldn’t have remembered.
PearlescentMoon
[Silence.]
Smajor1995
L—look. I—
PearlescentMoon
I didn’t have to remember?
Smajor1995
I—
PearlescentMoon
And you didn’t even tell me? [Mockingly.] “I don’t know why I did it”—bullshit!
Smajor1995
Pearl—
PearlescentMoon
I forgave you for leaving me during that game, Scott. And you gave me this? You took yourself out—you—you left me alone again, to suffer. All you do is leave!
Smajor1995
Listen—
PearlescentMoon
No, you let me speak. I’ve heard enough from you. What was it you said that day? “You deserve this more”? I deserved to watch you die? I deserved to keep these memories, these thoughts that haunt me at every step? Did you want this?
Smajor1995
I didn’t—
PearlescentMoon
[On the verge of yelling.] You didn’t what? You didn’t think I’d mind taking this sick “prize”? You didn’t know what else to do to save your own ass? This is your fault!
Smajor1995
I…look, even if I had killed you, there was no guarantee that you wouldn’t have remembered. We still died at the same t—
PearlescentMoon
[Yelling.] You couldn’t have tried?
Smajor1995
I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry—
PearlescentMoon
Stop pretending that you care.
Smajor1995
[Softly.] You deserve to live without your soulmate’s blood on your hands.
PearlescentMoon
You’re not my soulmate. You never wanted to be.
End of transcript
Conflict is an inherent feature of any social connection.
Transcript between Grian and PearlescentMoon on 2 August 2022 at 11:35 AM
[Heavy footsteps.]
[Loud thud.]
[Exhale.]
Grian
What happened?
PearlescentMoon
I don’t want to talk about it.
Grian
Okay. Do you…do you want to just stay here for a bit?
PearlescentMoon
Please.
[Long silence, punctuated by the quiet opening and closing of chests.]
PearlescentMoon
Thank you, Grian.
Grian
Anytime. Stay as long as you need.
End of transcript
If there is to be reconciliation, first there must be truth.
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 2 August 2022 at 4:01 PM
Grian
What did you do?
Smajor1995
[Heavy sigh.] I fucked up, that’s what I did.
Grian
Did…did you tell Pearl? About what really happened when she won?
Smajor1995
More like she figured it out on her own.
Grian
I don’t know if that’s better or worse.
Smajor1995
Me neither.
Grian
Give her some time to cool off. Then you can talk things out.
Smajor1995
I don’t think there’s any fixing this.
Grian
You never know until you try.
And--damn it, I sound like a broken record at this point--you have the chance to try. Use it.
Smajor1995
…I’m sorry, Grian.
Grian
For what?
Smajor1995
Everything.
Grian
You shouldn’t be apologizing to me right now. You should be apologizing to her.
End of transcript
When our hearts should grow fuller, all they do is wane until there is nothing left.
Transcript between Grian and PearlescentMoon on 3 August 2022 at 4:17 PM
Grian
Scott told me what happened.
PearlescentMoon
[Angry groan.] Of course. Look, I’d rather not talk about it. Or think about it.
Grian
I…I understand that, but I think you two should talk things out. You two have each other, and pushing each other away won’t help with anything. I told him this, too.
PearlescentMoon
God, just leave it. I want to be alone.
Grian
Do you?
PearlescentMoon
[Silence.]
Grian
Pearl, you and Scott both have your issues. But if we want to get through this, we have to do it together. You two have a chance to reconcile and move past what happened with those you hurt. You’re lucky.
PearlescentMoon
[Scoffs.] Lucky?
Grian
At least you have a soulmate who remembers the hurt.
PearlescentMoon
Oh…
Grian
I’ve hurt Scar so much. I killed him in the first game. I wasn’t loyal to him in the most recent one. [Shakily.] I wasn’t even with him in our final moments. He died alone, Pearl. I can never make that up to him. And our death was my fault.
PearlescentMoon
[Silence.]
Grian
I know it hurts. You don’t have to fully forgive him, but at least try to understand him. Be there for each other. Do what Scar and I never could.
PearlescentMoon
[Soft sigh.] Okay. Okay, I will. And…I’m sorry, Grian.
Grian
Don’t be sorry. That’s my job.
End of transcript
Know who you have and treasure that knowledge.
Transcript between PearlescentMoon and Smajor1995 on 4 August 2022 at 10:56 AM
PearlescentMoon
Hey, Scott.
Smajor1995
Pearl. Pearl! Look, I’m—
PearlescentMoon
I’m sorry, Scott. I knew that server messed with all of us, made us people we weren’t, and I still blamed it entirely on you.
Smajor1995
Oh. It’s…it’s okay. You—
PearlescentMoon
Stop. Stop it. It’s not okay. Nothing is okay. You’re not okay. I’m not okay. Stop pretending.
Smajor1995
[Silence.]
PearlescentMoon
What you said about not getting your blood on my hands…I’d already killed two people—four, technically—what was so bad about killing another that made you do that?
Smajor1995
It hurts so much more when it’s someone close to you.
PearlescentMoon
You say that as if you’re speaking from personal experience.
Smajor1995
Not my experience. Grian’s.
PearlescentMoon
Oh.
Smajor1995
I’ve seen how he acts when Scar is brought up. I’ve heard of the nightmares. I didn’t want you to go through that, too.
PearlescentMoon
Did you consider that watching you blow yourself up is still pretty traumatizing?
Smajor1995
Well—
PearlescentMoon
It’s whatever. Too late to change anything now.
Smajor1995
I’m sorry too.
PearlescentMoon
What, for not killing me?
Smajor1995
For everything. For running away. For hurting you. For being the one you had to be soulbound to.
PearlescentMoon
Oh, Scott…I didn’t mean…
Smajor1995
You…you deserved someone who was there for you. And I took that away from you.
PearlescentMoon
I’m the one who left you first.
Smajor1995
But I’m the one who never came back.
PearlescentMoon
You’re here now, aren’t you?
Smajor1995
Now, sure, but I wasn’t when you needed someone.
PearlescentMoon
I need someone right now. And you’re here. You won’t leave like you did before, will you?
Smajor1995
I won’t leave again, I promise.
PearlescentMoon
I’ll hold you to that.
End of transcript
The love one has for another is what you make of it.
Transcript between Grian, Smajor1995, and PearlescentMoon on 12 August 2022 at 3:25 PM
Grian
Hey, you two.
PearlescentMoon
Hi.
Smajor1995
Hello.
Grian
I see you’ve made up, then?
PearlescentMoon
Yeah, we’ve figured our shit out. Somewhat.
Grian
Good. That’s good.
Smajor1995
Now it’s your turn, Grian. Figure your shit out.
Grian
[Scoffs.] I’ve already told you I can’t. You know why.
PearlescentMoon
[Tentatively.] Guys—
Smajor1995
You—
Grian
[Angrily.] Scott, just drop it.
Smajor1995
[Shocked silence.]
Grian
[Long pause.]
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t get angry.
Smajor1995
You need to stop apologizing.
Grian
You need to stop running away.
PearlescentMoon
You both need to shut the fuck up.
Grian
…What?
PearlescentMoon
I’m the newest member of this twisted group. Why am I being the one to corral you guys? It should be the other way around! Stop pushing yourselves too hard, for god’s sake. You’ve said it yourself: There wasn’t any way out of that situation. There’s nothing to be done now.
It’s not your fault. Neither of yours. Stop acting like it is.
Smajor1995
Pearl--
PearlescentMoon
Scott, I see that now.
Smajor1995
[Silence.]
PearlescentMoon
You two hurt people, you hide from people, because you can’t face yourself. You hate yourself so you hate others. You’re afraid of yourself so you’re scared of those around you. We’ll never move past this until we accept that we can.
Smajor1995
You say that like it’s easy.
PearlescentMoon
It’s not. I know it’s hard. I have my own issues. But I don’t want to hurt forever. And I know it may not seem like it, but I told you. Unless you let it, pain never lasts forever.
Grian
Happiness doesn’t last forever either.
PearlescentMoon
Even a brief moment of it would be better than this.
End of transcript
The relationships that people have with others tend to be the relationships one has within themself.
Transcript between PearlescentMoon and Smajor1995 on 23 August 2022 at 11:43 AM
Smajor1995
Hey. How are you holding up?
PearlescentMoon
Take a wild guess.
Smajor1995
[Sigh.] I don’t know why I was hoping something would change.
PearlescentMoon
So I’m assuming it’s the same for you too then?
Smajor1995
Of course it is.
PearlescentMoon
But…we’ll be okay again someday, won’t we?
Smajor1995
I’ve learned not to make promises like those.
PearlescentMoon
Why?
Smajor1995
[Sighs.] I shouldn’t lie to myself.
PearlescentMoon
It’s not lying to yourself. It’s wishing for the best.
Smajor1995
You’re too hopeful.
PearlescentMoon
I’d rather be hopelessly optimistic than a coward who keeps running away.
End of transcript
I’m sorry I keep saying, “How are you?”, when I really mean, “Are you happy?”--
Transcript between PearlescentMoon and Smajor1995 on 5 September 2022 at 12:03 PM
[Sharp slam.]
Smajor1995
Holy—Pearl? What was that? Are you okay?
PearlescentMoon
[Frustrated yell.] What are we doing? What the hell are we doing?
Smajor1995
What do you mean?
PearlescentMoon
All we do is argue, hurt each other, and wallow in our misery. We’re going nowhere. There’s nothing left for us—we’re all we have. So why do we push each other away? We’ve already been rid of all our joy in living, so why do we destroy the only things that remain?
Smajor1995
I…don’t know. We just lash out at everything that reminds us, and hide from anything that helps us.
PearlescentMoon
I feel so alone, Scott.
Smajor1995
We’re here. I’m here.
PearlescentMoon
Are you?
Smajor1995
[Silence.]
PearlescentMoon
We need to be here—really, truly be here—for each other, if we don’t want to be stuck in this pit of misery with no way out.
Smajor1995
None of us want that.
PearlescentMoon
So what are we doing?
Smajor1995
[Soft sigh.] I don’t know, Pearl, I don’t know.
PearlescentMoon
You keep hoping for things to get better, then turn around and do nothing to fight for that progress.
Smajor1995
I’m a hypocrite. We all are, in our own ways.
[Long silence.]
PearlescentMoon
Scott, I’ve forgotten what it feels like to be happy.
Smajor1995
I know. I lost that feeling a long time ago.
PearlescentMoon
So much has been torn away from us, we don’t even know what it’s like to live anymore.
Smajor1995
I don’t think that’s ever going to change.
PearlescentMoon
It won’t if we don’t try.
Smajor1995
I’m trying, I really am.
PearlescentMoon
Are you?
End of transcript
--And I’m sorry the answer is never yes.
Transcript between Grian and Smajor1995 on 21 September 2022 at 8:47 AM
Smajor1995
It’s been a year since Last Life started.
Grian
Ah. Joining the One Year Since My Life Fell Apart club then, huh?
Smajor1995
[Humorless laugh.] I guess so.
Grian
A year, wow. It’s been so long.
Why are we still just as broken as the time when we first crumbled?
Smajor1995
…Are we though? We’ve grown. It still hurts so much, but we’ve begun to be better people now. Slowly, yeah, but it’s a start. We’ve started to help each other. We could heal, if we kept going like this. It’ll take some time, but…we’ll get there.
Grian
And what if another life game happens? What happens when we fall apart all over again?
Smajor1995
Then we either grow numb or heal all over again.
Grian
Do you really think we’ll ever be able to exist normally again? Without the nightmares, without seeing blood staining our hands, without being afraid of other people—and ourselves?
Smajor1995
I don’t know. Isn’t it worth trying, though?
Grian
Trying what?
Smajor1995
Trying to live again.
End of transcript
When nothing is left, you mean everything to me.