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It was the early hours of the morning when Guillermo shouldered open the stubborn front door. He stood to the side as Nandor and Marwa passed, followed by the crew of the B Unit, and dutifully closed the door behind them.
‘Well, goodnight!’ He offered cheerfully, keeping his eyes down and moving towards the stairs.
‘Guillermo, wait,’ Nandor held up his hand, ‘a moment.’ He turned to Marwa, taking up her delicate hands in his own. ‘You go up to bed my love, I will not be far behind. Guillermo and I have some quick business to take care of, and then I think you will find I have some renewed vigour.’ He smiled impishly, and Marwa lifted a hand to his cheek.
‘Take as long as you need my love. I will be waiting.’ She bowed her head demurely and Nandor lifted her hands to his lips before releasing them and watching her sweep up the stairs.
He turned to Guillermo with a considerably less affectionate expression. ‘Come, let us fix the mess this Djinn has made.’ He strode past him down the hall.
‘Now?’ Guillermo asked, smothering a yawn, ‘It’s almost dawn.’
‘Exactly, which means I have very little time to correct this and give Marwa the pleasure she deserves before we slumber.’
‘Fine,’ Guillermo grumbled, following Nandor into the room where they had left the Djinn earlier that evening. He glanced up at them over the top of his oversized glasses as they crossed the threshold. Begrudgingly, he folded the newspaper he had been reading, running his fingers along the crease in a sharp movement.
‘Gentlemen. I did not think I would have the pleasure of your company again so soon. What can I do for you?’
‘This isn’t exactly where we want to be either,’ Guillermo returned, annoyed.
‘Quite right,’ Nandor agreed loudly, clapping a hand onto Guillermo’s shoulder, ‘some of us would like to be making love to their wives with their newly enlarged members.’
‘Ok, well,’ Guillermo murmured, distancing himself from Nandor. ‘I actually just want to sleep.’
The Djinn looked between them blankly. ‘Well, don’t let me stop you.’
Nandor huffed, exasperated. ‘I know that you are very pleased that you managed to find a way to trick us, after we were so careful. Yes, yes, you are so clever mister Djinn. We concede, you are much better at thinking of penis-based retribution than we are. Now what do I have to wish for you to fix this?’
The Djin tucked the newspaper under his arm. ‘I would like to help you, master, but I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
‘Oh come on,’ Guillermo rolled his eyes and Nandor threw his hands up in annoyance.
‘Your funny little trick where whenever I use my new, beautiful penis I think of Guillermo.’ He gestured emphatically at Guillermo to illustrate his point.
The Djinn’s eyebrows crept, impressively, even closer to his hairline. His lips curled back, revealing straight, white teeth. He steepled his long fingers in front of himself and took a deep breath, exhaling slowly. ‘Master. I – and please understand that it brings me uncommon pleasure to tell you this – I did not trick you.’
Guillermo’s eyebrows shot up as Nandor’s furrowed in confusion.
‘Hmm?’
‘What?’
‘I did not trick you. I could have – you truly fumbled at the finish line with that particular comment – but I was tired and,’ he lifted a shoulder in a sheepish shrug, ‘I was kind of impressed with how bullet proof you had made that wish. So, I let it go.’ He held out his open hands, a gesture of sincerity. ‘I did not trick you. Which means,’ his eyes flicked between them with a devilish glee, ‘that if you tried to use your new penis and thought of this one,’ he gestured at Guillermo, ‘you did that all by yourself.’
Guillermo didn’t know where to look. He felt the blood drain from his face and then come rushing back in a heated flush. Nandor was picking at the beaded embellishments on the cuff of one of his sleeves. ‘I, ah, well - ’
‘But,’ the Djinn broke through the tense pause, ‘I am here to serve, am I not? If you like, you can wish to never again think of Guillermo when you use your penis. Problem solved!’
‘Oh,’ Guillermo looked across at Nandor, ‘I mean, I guess that would-’
‘Well not never,’ Nandor uttered awkwardly at the same time.
Guillermo’s blood did another sickening loop. ‘I’m sorry, what?’ Nandor was still looking at his sleeve. ‘Master, did you just say – did you say you want-’
‘Well not all the time,’ Nandor threw his hands in the air. ‘But, yes, sometimes when I’m thinking…while I’m,’ he made an illustrative gesture, ‘you, you know, make an appearance.’
‘An appearance?’
‘Yes, Guillermo, an appearance!’ He seemed to be having a hard time meeting Guillermo’s eyes. ‘Sometimes, in my fantasies, my many lovers and I will require things. Like some more lubrication, or an extra pillow, or the loosening of a restraint. And you will be there to do those things.’
Guillermo felt his mortification evaporate under the heat of his anger, sizzling away like a drop of sweat on hot pavement. He spoke through gritted teeth, his volume steadily rising. ‘Are you telling me that I appear in your sexual fantasies as an assistant?’ Nandor flinched as Guillermo hurled the word at him.
‘It’s a very important job, Guillermo,’ he said beseechingly. ‘The whole process would grind to a halt without you. Literally, in the case of the lube.’
‘Oh my god,’ Guillermo put his hands to his face, pushing his fingers beneath his glasses to press hard against his eyes. He let out a slightly manic giggle. ‘They’re your fantasies, you – you – moron! You could just imagine you had as many cushions as you needed! Or endless lube!’
‘Ahoy-hoy, what’s this about endless lube?’ Laszlo had appeared in the doorway, one arm draped over a blood-drunk Nadja as she nuzzled affectionately at his neck. ‘If you’ve been snooping around my patent applications I’ll remind you that’s my IP.’
‘Laszlo,’ Guillermo groaned, ‘not now, please.’
‘Why? What’s going on?’ He stepped into the room, pulling Nadja along. Her stockinged feet hovered above the ground, her shoes dangling from the hand that wasn’t busy caressing Laszlo from the nape of his neck to the crease of his buttocks. Unit A followed closely behind, the sound guy carefully dipping his boom to pass through the doorway.
‘Nothing,’ Nandor and Guillermo snapped in unison.
‘This one,’ the Djinn gestured towards Nandor with his folded-up newspaper, ‘has been having sexual fantasies involving this one,’ the newspaper swept towards Guillermo, ‘but is clearly very embarrassed about it and so is making up some bullshit about him being a fantasy servant.’
Nandor glared at the Djinn. 'Was that really necessary, do you think?'
‘He should be embarrassed!’ Nadja dropped to her feet with a muffled thud. ‘Really Nandor, a familiar? I know you’ve been going through some shit, but you must have some self-respect!’
Guillermo gaped at Nadja with wordless anger as Nandor stepped forward. ‘Nadja, please, this is not helping.’
‘Come along, love,’ Laszlo tugged gently at Nadja’s arm. ‘We’ll leave them to it. All of you, come on, out.’ He waved to Unit B, who had pressed themselves into a corner to record the confrontation, and they slowly filed out of the room. The Djinn ducked between Nandor and Laszlo, making for the door with one last disquieting smile. Laszlo turned at the threshold, giving them a lackadaisical shrug. ‘For what it’s worth though, I don’t see what the big deal is. I mean, we’ve all been there. That’s half the reason we even have familiars, especially in the early years. To have someone around for a quick suck-and-fuck when you’re hungry and horny.’
‘Yes, thank you Laszlo,’ Nandor grimaced as Laszlo swept out of the room, Unit A in tow.
‘But once you start fucking other vampires, man, there’s nothing like it.’ His voice echoed down the hallway as he continued idly chatting to the camera. ‘The stamina, the athleticism. There are things you can do with a vampire that you just can’t do with a human; it’s the strength, you see. A little choking kink can take hard right turn into necrophilia if you’re not careful.’
His words trailed away, leaving Nandor and Guillermo in silence once more.
‘I’m very athletic,’ Guillermo mumbled petulantly after a moment.
‘Yes, Guillermo, we all saw you murder those many vampires in a very athletic fashion.’ Nandor patted his shoulder placatingly.
‘And I beat you,’ his tone was challenging, and Nandor stepped back, lifting his hand in a glancing touch at the dip of his collarbone, reminded of Guillermo’s arm braced across his neck.
‘Yes, I remember that also.’ He sighed, dropping into the wingback chair vacated by the Djinn. ‘Ok, yes, Guillermo, I sometimes think of you in my fantasies.’ Guillermo quietly lowered himself onto a nearby ottoman. ‘And you’re not just bringing me things, we’re doing stuff.’ Nandor risked a glance up at Guillermo. ‘Like, stuff, you know?’ He made a few demonstrative gestures before Guillermo raised a hand to stop him.
‘Uh-huh, yep, I get it.’
‘It’s not like I am doing this on purpose,’ he continued defensively. ‘You’re a handsome man, and you’re always just around. And I have eyes!’ Guillermo smothered a smile. ‘And I’m not embarrassed about it, not really.’ He paused, and Guillermo lifted his head to meet his eyes. ‘I’m not embarrassed that it’s you,’ he said with an earnest sincerity, like he wanted to make sure that Guillermo understood that part perfectly well.
Guillermo dropped his eyes, waving a hand dismissively. ‘No, it’s – it’s fine. I don’t know why I got so bent out shape. I’m just tired, I guess.’ Nandor watched him quietly as he cleaned his glasses with the hem of his sweater. ‘And it’s not like – they’re just fantasies, you know? They don’t mean anything.’
‘Exactly,’ Nandor nodded in agreement.
‘Yeah, and it’s not like I’ve never – you know – about you…’ Guillermo trailed off as Nandor fixed him with an inquisitive look.
‘Guillermo,’ Nandor dragged his name out in that way he did sometimes, a sing-song lilt to it. ‘Are you saying that you have also had sexual fantasies about me?’ Guillermo felt himself flush anew as he placed his glasses back on his face, pushing them up the bridge of his nose. ‘Guillerrrrmooo,’ Nandor cooed, leaning forward in his chair. ‘Were we doing…stuff?’
‘You’re such a child,’ Guillermo chastised him fondly, and Nandor leaned back in the chair, chuckling softly. Candlelight flickered across his features, painting golden threads in his dark hair, warming his pale complexion. Guillermo looked away.
‘I thought of it often, on my travels,’ Nandor said suddenly, absently dragging his knuckles over his collarbone. ‘Your athleticism.’ His eyes met Guillermo’s, deep and dark.
Unbidden, Guillermo was assaulted by sensory memory; the feeling of being pressed flush against Nandor’s back, his arm across his throat, the cloying scent of exotic oils drifting from his cool skin. He felt his heartbeat speed up and watched as Nandor’s gaze dropped to his unbuttoned collar in response. To his throat. He felt pinned in place as Nandor once again leaned forward in his chair, slow and predatory. ‘Guillermo,’ there was no teasing cadence to his name this time, just a deep and unfamiliar growl.
‘Master,’ Guillermo breathed, his eyes on the verge of fluttering shut when he caught a familiar light in the corner of his eye. ‘Shit – shit, Master, it’s dawn.’
‘What?’ Nandor sounded almost groggy as he watched Guillermo leap from the ottoman and towards the window.
‘It’s dawn,’ he said again, ripping the curtains closed.
‘Oh, fuck,’ Nandor stood, pulling his cape across his face to protect himself from any stray beams of light. He hissed at the nearby window. ‘Fuck!’
‘Go, go,’ Guillermo shooed him into the hallway and towards the stairs. ‘Just, go to bed, I’ll take care of the curtains.
‘All right,’ Nandor stood dumbly on the bottom step, adjusting to the latest wave of tonal whiplash. ‘Thank you, Guillermo,’ he called after him. Guillermo paused on the way to sitting room and turned back to Nandor with a soft smile. ‘You’re welcome, Master.’