Chapter Text
His ship got in a few hours ago, but he finds himself at the water's edge. Despite the brewing storm, it’s nothing compared to the one in his heart. June has always been the worst month of the year for him. It’s the month when the universe played dirty and took his parents from him, one by one.
A person would think after all this time, with how many years have passed, the blow would become less of a sock to the gut and more an annoying nudge. But it never fails to revive his grief. His anger. If anything, it gets worse as time goes on. Anger mixing with panic, that time is stealing what little memories he has left, like his moms laugh or her comforting smell. His resentment renews for the unfairness that he never got to really know his dad. The unfairness of it all. And he’s tired. Tired of it being the thing that defines him. Has such a power-hold on his life, and its direction.
His life hasn’t been his own since he was 4 years old. It was never intentional, but he felt the pressure to live up to the expectation his dad never got to. To be the Bradshaw, that people can love earth-side. Everyone has always told him how much he looks like his dad. And it’s a tough shadow to grow up in. There’s not much sunlight in the shadows of a dead person.
But don’t misread him. He was loved. He was cared for. He was happy. His mom was incredible enough to fill the shoes of both parents many times. Maverick tried to step in for the lessons his mom couldn’t or felt too uncomfortable with zero experience herself, like puberty talks and shaving. Despite his somber mood, he can’t help but smirk at that memory. Now those were uncomfortable talks. Maverick was just as ill-equipped despite having the equipment.
Maverick. June is also the reminder of another parent he lost. He found out shortly after his mom's death that he was responsible for pulling his papers to the Naval Academy. Shattering another dream and stealing another choice because really, his life has really never been his own. It’s been shaped by the loss. By sadness. By anger. And he thought Maverick, of all people would’ve understood that. Supported him. But his betrayal was too much. It all was too much. Still is.
Learning these three tough lessons before the age of 20, really has impact. So, as with anyone who’s been knocked down one too many times, he is cautious. Cautious with his choices. Life. Career. Heart.
Nat. God he misses her.
June is usually the month he goes out drinking with her. Understanding the need to numb the pain and just be him without any expectations or explanation for one night. No shows at the piano or jokes to carry the jovial atmosphere that most put upon him, assuming the happy-go-lucky front he puts up is actually him. She’s one of the few, if only, that knows the real him. Knows his past, minus the specifics of Maverick. That’s something he’s not sure that he’ll ever be ready to talk about. But despite that one detail, she knows the hidden pain, sacrifice, and fears he harbors. She knows him and she loves him regardless. And he fucked it up.
He got scared. Ran. His feelings for her that started out friendly grew into something far beyond the simplistic word of love. Shocked the shit out of him. But it happened despite his best efforts to avoid the whole calamity. He soon learned to know Nat is to love Nat. She’s strong, beautiful, smart, confident, talented, and loyal. Looking back, he can see how it was inevitable he’d fall for her. Really, it’s his fault for picking a best friend like her. Thinking friends with benefits would be enough. But he’s not even sure if she’s his best friend anymore. If anything.
They’ve exchanged a few emails and zoomed while they were both away, but tensions were still high. He could tell she was hurting but putting on a strong front. And she could definitely tell he was trying to put even more distance than just the miles between them.
However, no matter how far or how hard he tried, he couldn’t out run the truth in his heart. He loves her. He’s IN love with her. And it’s terrifying him. He’s not sure how to love someone. How to love without certainty, guarantees, and have blind faith things will work out.
He lied and told her he wasn’t due to get back until later this week. Originally he planned on sticking out the week without contact. A trial run of sorts. But he hasn’t even made it 2 hours. And today of all days, he’s seeking clarity with a wounded heart and ghosts lurking. He really knows how to pick them.
Like a niggling feeling in the back of his head, he’s reminded of a conversation he had while underway. One night alone on the carrier, he got to talking with a fellow fighter pilot. He was listening to him talk about his family. How much he missed his wife. Bradley asked how he can leave each time, knowing he might not make it back. The pilot simply said love is loving without guarantee. He’d rather love in the short term than never at all. Risks are everywhere, whether in a jet or crossing the road.
Echoing those words and reflecting on his history with Nat, he sits with his truth. On today of all days.
Take it
If she gives you her heart
Don't you break it
Let your arms be a place
She feels safe in
She's the best thing that you'll ever have
She’s his safe place. She’s there to sit in his silence. Offer advice only when truly needed. Listens without judgement. Calls him out on his bullshit. Or throws back shots without words each June.
She always has trouble
Falling asleep
And she likes to cuddle
While under the sheets
She loves Pop songs
And dancing, and bad trash TV
There's still a few other things
She loves love notes and babies
And likes giving gifts
Has a hard time accepting
A good compliment
She loves her whole family
And all of her friends
So if you're the one she lets in
Many would be shocked to know the soft side of her. How fiercely protective she is of her people. How deeply she loves and cares. How he can disarm her by simply paying her a compliment or giving her an unexpected gift.
The times he’s walked into her house with her blasting Taylor Swift or Justin Bieber, dancing her little heart out into a hairbrush or broom handle. The impromptu dance offs they have while making dinner, and her penchant to belt out any song that comes on the radio when riding in the car. Her love for all things trash on Netflix, like Love is Blind.
Her soft side when it comes to her family, especially her niece. She secretly loves babies and puppies, and will talk to them in the cutest little voice. He tried to record it once, but she threatened to cut his balls off until he deleted it. He still has one hidden.
Take it
If she gives you her heart
Don't you break it
Let your arms be a place
She feels safe in
She's the best thing that you'll ever have
She'll love you
If you love her
On days when
It feels like the whole
World might cave in
Stand side by side
And you'll make it
She's the best thing that you'll ever have
She'll love you
If you love her like that
She has always been there for him. From lonely parents weekends at the Academy to showing up at his room with a cake at midnight each birthday. Each award ceremony, sitting front-row center when really there wouldn’t be anyone, to standing to his right at the piano, singing and dancing the loudest.
Kiss her with passion
As much as you can
Run your hands through her hair
Whenever she's sad
And when she doesn't notice
How pretty she is
Tell her over and over
So she never forgets
Take it
If she gives you her heart
Don't you break it
Let your arms be a place
She feels safe in
She's the best thing that you'll ever have
She'll love you
If you love her
When their relationship grew from platonic to more romantic, her presence became like a drug. His body couldn’t wait to get his fix, no matter how hard he tried to designate their interactions as casual. Her tender touches. Her warm protective hugs. The feel of her soft curves and velvety skin. Her sweet pillow topped lips that always lift up into the cutest sleepy smile each morning he kisses her awake. His favorite place to rest his head in her lap as they’d take in sunsets, as she absentmindedly runs her fingers through his hair, like a siren of the sea calling to his heart.
On days when
It feels like the whole
World might cave in
Stand side by side
And you'll make it
She's the best thing that you'll ever have
She'll love you
If you love her like that
She loves him like he’s never been loved before. She loves him, despite his inability to show it back. She loves him on his good days and bad. Heartbreak and hole. She loves HIM. And he fucked it up.
Thunder and lightning strikes. He feels his mom’s heavenly disappointment from above, too.
She'll love you
If you love her like that
She'll love you
If you love her
She'll love you
If you love her like that
She'll love you
She'll love you
She'll love you
She'll love you
If you love her
O n days when
It feels like the whole
World might cave in
Stand side by side
And you'll make it
She's the best thing that you'll ever have
She'll love you
If you love her like that
The rain pelts him, like his mom’s tiny fingers reaching him from the heavens, trying to nudge him, but he doesn’t feel a thing. His mind is a million miles away. His heart stuck in a-fib. His life stuck between heaven and hell. The living and the dead.
The thunder and lightning booms again, a yell from above, waking him from his trance.
He stands up and heads for his car. He knows where he needs to go.