Chapter Text
Catherine of Aragon Interview
ML: I’m Margaret Lee, and this is Talkingly.
ML: In a sad and shocking turn of events last night, 38-year-old Oscar-winning actor Henry Tudor passed away this January. Though remembered as a charming and brilliant actor, is he really what he seems? We have flown his six ex-girlfriends down to us to learn how he acted from behind closed doors.
ML: Our first guest is Catalina Trastámara, his longest and most beloved partner.
ML: How are you doing today?
CT: I’m doing very well, thanks for asking.
ML: Now Catalina, when did you two first start dating?
CT: I was 14 and he was 17. We were in high school together, I was a star student, he was a star athlete. We were the IT couple of the school, everyone wanted to be us. I was young, and he was charming, so when he asked me out on a date, I was sure to say yes.
ML: Was he kind?
CT: In the beginning, he was a perfect gentleman, taking care of all my needs and wants. After he graduated though, his temper got shorter, and we started getting into fights. When his breakout role came, he started trying to disrespect me, but I was above that. We had some pretty intense fights; I think I was always too strong-willed for him.
ML: You have a child, Mary. Was she planned?
CT: I was 18, a teenager when I had her. Despite what it might seem, Henry had wanted a child for a while, and I finally relented when I became an adult. My parents thought it was a shameful look for an unmarried woman to have a baby, but they nevertheless were happy to have a grandchild.
ML: Despite dating for eleven years, you never married, why?
CT: When I became pregnant, we talked about it a lot, but Henry never wanted to tie the knot. There became a point in our relationship when I was 20 and Mary was a toddler, that I believe he stopped loving me. He didn’t want to marry me, but also if he broke up with me it would look like he didn’t want to be responsible for a child, and he loved kids.
ML: Sorry if this is an insensitive question, but he cheated on you, right?
CT: Yeah. When I was 20, he started seeing Bessie Blount, one of my good friends. He never knew that I found out, but when he was sick, she told me everything. That wasn’t the only time he cheated though, he started meeting up with Mary Boleyn when I was away. I never did anything about it, but we argued a lot. His last mistress was my downfall. Mary’s sister, Anne came into the picture and convinced him to break up with me. That wound is still open.
ML: After you broke up, what did you do? How did you move on with your life?
CT: It was hard at first, but my sadness quickly turned into anger. He was an awful person and a [BLEEPING] [BLEEP]
CT: Sorry. Are we allowed to swear?
ML: Don’t worry I’ll just edit it out later.
CT: I’ve always loved cooking and now I own a Michelin-starred restaurant in Spain. I’m better off than I ever was with Henry. I moved to London for high school, but my heart has always been in my birthplace.
ML: Thank you so much for your time! Any last words?
CT: I wish Henry’s fans and all who cared about him well. He was gone too soon.
Chapter 1:
Catalina
“And cut!” Catalina’s picture-perfect smile instantly dropped. She hated this. Hated giving more press to the worst thing that had happened to her.
“When do I get to go home? Are you guys going to fly me back?” Her eyes searched around the room, eyeing the tired faces of the overworked crew.
“Well, Lina, you see…” Margaret, known as Maggie, stuttered, quivering under Catalina’s stone-cold glare.
“What?” She sharply inhaled, ready to hear the worst.
“There is a final interview with all of his exes, but that isn’t until we finish up the rest, which will be a couple of weeks.”
“What are you saying?” Catalina didn’t like the sound of staying in the country any longer.
“You’re staying with them for about a month.” Maggie swallowed but held the older woman’s gaze.
“Them?!”
“His other exes.” Catalina took it back. She was not ready for the worst.
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“Welcome,” “To your new home.” Maggie’s assistant whose name she hadn’t cared to ask deadpanned. Catalina groaned. This had to be a nightmare. She rubbed her eyes with the sleeves of her yellow sweater, devastated to find out that this was not a dream.
“The others will get here shortly. The house is fully stocked with anything you could want, including your pills. My number is on the fridge in case you need anything.” The assistant handed Catalina her luggage and briskly headed out the door. Lina had been taking anti-depressants after being isolated at work and not having anyone who cared about her.
“Wait! Where are you going?”
“To pick up the others.” The assistant rolled their eyes.
“Ah. Yes,” Catalina murmured, feeling kind of stupid. The house was more like a mansion, with twisting staircases and a marble floor. At least the kitchen is big. Catalina might have enjoyed staying in a place like this if it wasn’t for Satan herself.
DING DONG
Catalina opened the door to see the assistant. “Anne’s here. Try not to murder anyone.” Speak of the devil.
“Look what the cat dragged in,” Catalina drawled, eyes narrowing at the girl.
“Feed your own ego Cata-lina, I’m busy,” Anne pronounced her name like two separate words.
“Maybe if you kept your legs closed, none of this would be a problem.” Anne had caused her enough misery for a lifetime.
“Too bad you can’t photoshop an ugly personality,” Anne contorted her face into a fake pout.
“Screw you.” Lina spit out.
“You wish!” Anne grabbed Catalina’s wrist harshly.
“Look, it’s not my fault your boyfriend was bored of you” Anne clicks her tongue.
“Wow, bringing a dead man into this. I didn’t think even you would stoop this low.” Anne opened her mouth, but Catalina interrupted her.
“It took him even less time to get bored of you.” Before she knew what was happening, she felt pain blossom on her head and tasted blood in her mouth. Anne had pushed her. That bitch was going to pay.
“Shit.” Anne offered her a hand.
“You ok?”
“Never better.” Through gritted teeth, Catalina pushed herself off the floor, refusing the shorter woman’s hand. “I didn’t mean that Lina, I’m sorry.” Nothing she could say would help. Catalina got to her feet, but almost immediately felt lightheaded.
“Fu-” she lurched forward and fell into the green-sleeved woman.
“Way to get handsy,” Anne commented, eyes flicking over Lina. Catalina internally cursed as she realized just how handsy she was being.
“It’s fine, I know my boobs feel good,” Anne smirked, sending the taller woman into a (gay) panic. Catalina frantically rolled off Anne, failing to hide the red spreading across her cheeks.
“Seriously though, are you ok?” Anne said, sounding genuinely concerned. “I’m fine, no thanks to you,” Catalina muttered, slowly standing off to avoid a repeat of last time.
DING DONG
A kind of classically pretty blond woman stepped through the doorway, a young child at her hip.
“Jane, right?” Anne said, shaking the blond’s hand. Jane Seymour, Henry’s third girlfriend was the one most people thought was going to stay with him forever. She was subservient and easygoing, a heavy contrast to all his other failed relationships. No one knew why they had split up, though there were theories. Catalina believed it was because Henry didn’t get enough attention with the birth of his son. Of course, he wanted to be a parent until he had to do work.
“Yeah. You guys are Anne and Catalina?” Jane spoke, her voice was soft and unsure as if afraid someone was going to disagree with her.
“Uh-huh. Now, does anyone have any cigarettes? Like, being here in the same room as Lina is stressful.” Anne piped up, making Catalina roll her eyes.
“Catalina to you. Enemies don’t get nickname privileges.” She huffed, silently agreeing with Anne’s sentiment.
“Uh… have you guys claimed any rooms yet? I’m just going to set my stuff down in whatever is closest to a kid’s room.” Jane spoke up, looking from one ex to another.
“Oh, um, I don’t care.”
“Yeah, me neither,” Anne said in a way that suggested she cared a whole lot.
“Don’t you have a daughter Catalina?” Jane questioned.
“Yes. She wasn’t planning to come, but since I might be here a while, she’s flying in later tonight. She’s older and just turned 18. Anne does too, but she can’t bear to be seen in public with a child. It would ruin her image,” Catalina said in an exaggerated dramatic voice, checking the time. 4:30. Only five hours till she could see Mary again. Jane nodded, walking off to place her bags into a room.
“For your information, Lizzie’s with a sitter. She’s coming over tomorrow.” The green-sleeved woman said. “I dibs the biggest room!” Anne yelled, trying to run while carrying an amount of luggage that weighed almost as much as herself. Catalina rolled her eyes at Anne for the third of many times to come.
Just as Lina set her bags in the second largest room, the doorbell rang for the third time.
DING DONG
Catalina sighed and unlocked the door, seeing the fourth ex, one hand resting on her suitcase and the other holding a glass of scotch. Who was this? Lina didn’t care. She had stopped keeping up with Jane.
“Welcome to hell.” Catalina stared at the woman, who just stared back.
“Is she always this friendly?” the woman asked Anne, speaking in a light accent that Lina couldn’t quite place.
“Only when I’m in a ten-mile radius of her.” Anne laughed dryly.
“Who are you?” Catalina said, ignoring Anne’s comment.
“Anna Von Cleves. You’ve probably seen some of my art.” That’s what it is. German. Cataline had always been bad with accents.
“I thought you were supposed to be ugly.” Anna stiffened at the comment.
All eyes turned to Jane. The blond turned bright red, shutting her mouth. “Sorry. The press was just all over Henry criticizing your appearance. You’re pretty, like above average, like not at all what you would think from the news, not like I’m surprised but-”
“It’s fine.” Anna softened, interrupting Jane’s rant. “I got some really bad press. It was always about how much I was drinking, or how un-ladylike my clothes were, or something like that.”
“Me too,” Anne interjected. “I was portrayed as some wild party girl who was always hooking up with strangers. I never even cheated on him!”
“Same,” Jane spoke up. “I was this super boring buzzkill who instantly ruined the mood.”
“Well, I never got any bad press. Everyone always loved me.” Catalina said, causing Anne to roll her eyes so hard they almost popped out of her head.
“Oh, come on! There were loads of headlines about how you were a stuck-up prude who couldn’t have any fun,” Anne said, tired of the older woman’s antics.
“Bullshit,” Catalina muttered, though she knew it was true. Later in their relationship, she stopped being so beloved by the public.
DING DONG
The doorbell rang again.
“Kat!” Anna exclaimed, greeting the guest, a teenager with a striking pink ponytail.
“Who’s this? Your daughter?” Anne pointed at Kat.
“This,” “Is Henry’s fifth girlfriend.” Anna finished a bite to her tone.
“Hijo de perra…” Lina cursed, wishing the bastard would rot in hell. She wished Kat was older than she looked, because if not, then that relationship is pretty illegal.
“How… old is she?” Anne asked, taking her eyes off her phone for once.
“I am 19. I started dating him when I was 16 but lied and said I was 18.” Kat spoke up, unwavering.
“Holy shit. That’s not ok!” Anne exclaimed, thinking about what they all were. I hope Henry comes back to life so I can slowly murder him. Or something like that.
“I knew what I was doing. Please don’t bring it up right now.” Normally, Catalina wouldn’t have let it go, but something about Kat’s tone told her to drop it.
DING DONG
The six and final ex stepped through the door, activist and author Catherine Parr. They had worked together when Cathy wanted to write a book about a chef and stayed good friends. Cathy’s parents pressured her to date him to advance her career, though Lina highly doubted Catherine, a millionaire off book sales needed an extra salary. Luckily, their relationship didn’t last long before Henry, only 38 and already in crippling health passed away. When Lina saw Cathy’s face, she knew something wasn’t right.
“This is…?” Anne’s face was glued to her phone again.
“Catherine Parr. But for the sake of all the Catherine’s, you can call me Cathy.” The tired-looking woman said, managing a small smile.
“All the Catherine’s?” Anne was confused.
“Catalina is Catherine in English, and Kat is short for it,” Lina explained, eager to one-up the shorter woman.
“We should do introductions, right? Get to know each other?” Jane said, looking at the others for approval.
“Sounds fantastic. Why don’t we go in the order we arrived and say our names, ages, jobs, and favorite ice cream flavor.” Anne was sarcastic, but Jane didn’t seem to pick up on it.
“I’m Catalina Trastámara. I’m 35 years old and own a Michelin-star restaurant in Spain,” Anne rolled her eyes at the blatant bragging. “My favorite ice cream flavor is chocolate.”
“Disgusting!” Anne blurted out, being a very anti-chocolate person. “Anne Boleyn. 32, and a two-time Oscar-winning best actor. I like pistachio.” Catalina gagged at that sentiment.
“My name is Jane Seymour, I’m 28, work as the editor in chief for the leading travel magazine, I like vanilla.” That response earned eye-rolls from both Anne and Lina. At least they could agree on something.
“Ich heiße Anna von Cleves. I just turned 27 and I’m a globally renowned artist. Lavender ice cream for the win.”
“Hi, my name is Katherine Howard, but you can call me Kat. I’m a 19-year-old editorial model and really like bubblegum ice cream.” Disgusting.
“Uh, I’m Cathy, if you remember from like a minute ago. I’m a bestselling novelist and activist. I’m 25 and I like espresso ice cream.”
“We have been met with some very disagreeable opinions, but if we can keep them to ourselves, I’m sure we’ll get along,” Jane said, though Catalina wasn’t sure she could ever get along with Anne.
“I volunteer as tribute to do the cooking, though don’t expect any five-star meals. Tonight, we’ll just order takeout because I don’t want to go grocery shopping.” Lina said, figuring they all were probably rich enough to have their chefs. “For now, let’s just explore the house and get settled in. Welcome to hell.” She was eager to take charge.
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Anne had insisted on paying for food, much to Lina’s dismay. They ordered takeout from a shitty and un-authentic Chinese place nearby, but despite that, it tasted like home. Catalina’s parents hadn’t grown up wealthy and were constantly worried that someday, someone would come and take their money away. They rarely ever spent large amounts of money, even though they certainly could afford nicer things. Mary had gotten in earlier than expected and was with them.
“Let’s do an ice breaker or something.” Kat piped up, tired of the awkward silence. “Everybody goes around and says two truths and a lie about themselves. For example, I’m cousins with someone here, I’m vegetarian, and I’ve dyed my hair six different colors before this.”
“You’re not vegetarian!” Anne exclaimed, a little too quickly.
“Wait… you, a self-obsessed party animal, are cousins with Kat, literally the sweetest and most energetic person I’ve ever met?” Catalina couldn’t wrap her head around such a thing.
“Aw, that’s nice. Y’know, Anne isn’t that bad if you get to know her.” Lina disagreed.
“My turn! I would always get super hammered at parties in high school, I started a gardening magazine before my travel one, and I own a yacht called Fin and Tonic.” Surprisingly, that came from Jane. Maybe she wasn’t as boring as she seemed.
“The first ones the lie? You strike me as a lightweight.” Anna said.
“Yeah. The gardening magazine failed, but the boat was a gag gift.” Jane said.
Ah yes, fucking rich people gag gifts. Luxury boats. Catalina rolled her eyes. “I’ve been to jail for selling fake drugs, I’ve been kicked out of my parents’ house, I’ve fantasized about murdering someone here too many times to count.” The last one may have been a little too obvious.
“Aww, I didn’t know you fantasized about me,” Anne smirked, knowing what the implication sounded like.
“Not like that!” Lina choked out, though she didn’t know why she felt the need to clarify it.
“I wouldn’t put it above you to sell fake drugs, so I’m guessing you’ve never gotten kicked out of your parents’ house?” Cathy said, and to be honest, Lina was a little offended that Cathy was so quick to assume that, even if it was partly accurate.
“Wrong. I sold fake weed for a brief stint in high school but never got caught. I was kicked out of the house and sometimes have NON-SEXUAL fantasies about murdering Anne.” Catalina said. Luckily, her parents had never wondered where she got all the extra money.
“What did you get kicked out for?” Anna asked.
“Oh, uh… it’s complicated.” It wasn’t. Lina just didn’t want to share.
“Uh, ok. My turn. I own a peacock, Henry made me realize I’m gay, and I find out dirt on people in case they betray me.” Anna answered.
“You would never own a wild animal if you valued me as a friend, so that has to be a lie,” Kat said, seeming very confident.
“Correct. You guys better be nice to me.” Anna joked though she wasn’t joking.
“I’m going to release a lipstick shade, the last time I didn’t wear makeup outside was three years ago, and I dabbled in poetry,” Anne said, not waiting for anyone’s permission to speak. Those were all somewhat believable, but surprisingly tame for Anne’s usual antics.
"You’re not releasing a lipstick shade,” Lina spoke calmly, biting her lip to prevent herself from saying something stupid.
“Hm. Maybe you know me better than you’d like to admit. You know releasing any beauty products takes way too long.” Anne surveyed the taller woman’s face, watching for an angry retort, but Lina only raised her eyebrow.
“Let’s get this over with; I’m 5’6, I’m working on a novel about a talking dog and I’m pregnant with my new boyfriend’s baby.” Cathy interrupted a grim look on her face.
“Ha! Easy. Being pregnant the lie?” Catalina smirked, confident in the answer.
“No.” Cathy looked her in the eye. “The novel part is.”
“Cathy…” Lina frowned. “Your pregnant?!”