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Akito gets a phone call on the day it happened.
It was nothing out of the ordinary--usually An would call him around this time. Kohane and Toya always preferred texting, but Toya had been calling him more often recently.
Your voice is soothing, Toya had told him.
Akito hadn't thought much of it.
He checks the caller ID and blinks at Toya's name on the phone. Akito accepts it without hesitation and brings the phone to his ear.
"Yo."
"Akito...?"
Akito frowns at the distant sound of wind blowing, at how... lost Toya sounded.
(He hadn't sounded like that in years. Not since they first met in Middle school.)
"...Where are you?"
Akito doesn't mean for that amount of concern to bleed into his voice but he can't help it, especially when he hears the little hitch of breath and Toya's shaky breathing through the phone.
"Toya. Where are you?"
"...Akito." Toya whispers, across the line, and he sounds so scared. "I..."
There's a pause. Akito hears Toya shift a bit.
"I want to see you."
"Huh?" Akito asks, taken aback. "If you want to see me, then come over." He says, shoving back the feeling of wrong filling him.
Because--surely Toya isn't--
"Please." Toya responds and his voice is hushed, almost pleading. "Just... just once more, I..."
"Toya, tell me where you are!" Akito frowns. Something is wrong.
"Come to the Hospital. The one... near my house."
"Are you sick? Are you--" Akito breaks off, already dashing out the door, almost forgetting to close it. He runs until he's doubled over, gasping for breath, then forces himself to jog the rest of the way.
"I'm here," He pants, bracing himself against the door.
"I'm in the building to the right of it."
Akito pushes himself of the door and speedwalks until he's face to face with thin, glass doors.
"Where are you?!"
A beat of silence.
"...Go up to the roof."
Akito freezes.
"What." His voice comes out as a choked whisper.
Toya wouldn't--
"I'm,,, on the roof."
Akito mechanically pushes open the door, before it hits them that Toya's going to--
"I'm sorry, Akito," Toya whispers. His voice is painfully small, almost drowned out by the wind. "I... I want to see you again."
"Don't move!" Akito snaps through gritted teeth. "Don't you dare move, Toya!"
He rushes into the building, taking the nearest stairs and running, as fast as he could, anything to get to Toya before he--
Akito arrives at the final door.
He kicks it open and--
sees Toya, perched on a railing. His shoes are off, placed under him.
Akito can only stare for a brief, dizzying moment, before he's running again, almost colliding into Toya.
"Are you crazy!?" He shouts, grabbing Toya by the shoulders. "Toya, what the hell-"
There's a beat of silence, then--
"...Your hands are shaking." Toya responds, lifting his eyes to look at Akito.
Akito looks at him in disbelief.
"So what- Of course they-" His voice comes out a bit too loud, a bit too desperate and Akito breaks off, letting his head drop onto Toya's shoulders.
"i- Toya..." His hands tighten on Toya's shoulders before loosening again. Don't.
Akito can't seem to speak so he clings, and Toya is still for a moment before he leans into Akito.
Toya exhales slightly and Akito can feel his breath, warm again Akito's skin.
(Toya's warm against him and if Akito doesn't say something, Toya's going to be-)
"Please," Akito's voice breaks and he can feel himself shake now, trembling so hard he distantly wonders how he's even standing.
"Akito..." Toya murmurs, his hands settling on Akito's waist. Akito feels the dull sting of tears, blinks hard to stop them from falling.
He had to... to be strong for Toya.
Toya abruptly pulls him into a hug and Akito lets out a ragged exhale.
"You once told me I should be more selfish."
Akito flinches, miniscule and unnoticed.
"Not... not like this." His voice is small, pleading. Don't. "Toya, this isn't... I-"
"...I'm sorry, Akito."
"No-"
"I have to do this."
"We can find another way!" Akito's begging at this point, his grip on Toya so tight it must be suffocating.
But if he lets go-
"I..." Toya hesitates, before he speaks again, his fingers tightening ever so slightly around Akito. "I can't outrun my own father..."
"You can stay with me! I-" Akito swallows, the desperation bleeding into his voice. "We'll figure something out, dammit! Toya!"
"I'm sorry." Toya whispers.
"Don't-" Akito chokes, before his vision turns blurry and he realizes he's crying.
"Don't." He repeats again, his ears ringing with static.
I can't live without you.
"Thank you, Akito..." Toya speaks out of nowhere and Akito panics.
"Stop talking like you're going to-" jump, Akito almost says, but he can't speak the word.
Toya stays silent, and Akito listens to him breathe, feels Toya's chest rise and fall. It's an oddly soothing motion. It reminds Akito that Toya's still alive.
"You're always there." Toya says after what feels like an eternity of silence. "For me."
"You're my partner," Akito forces himself to speak, even though he feels like curling into a ball and never moving again. Even though he feels like he's been screaming himself hoarse, his throat dry and aching. He'll do it for Toya. He'll do anything for Toya.
"...I think," Toya's voice is dull, soft. "You should find someone else, Akito."
"Huh?" Akito's head snaps up, his eyes wide. What?
"I'm not-"
"You're the only one I want!" Akito exclaims, moves unintentionally and crowds into Toya's space. "You're the only person for me!" His voice is much too loud for their poximity but Akito can't find it in himself to care, too busy tilting Toya's face up to look at him, too busy staring into Toya's eyes, trying to convey the desperation, the loss, the panic Akito felt.
He needed Toya, needed Toya alive, needed him.
Toya's eyes are wide. He slowly reaches out a hand and it hovers right above Akito's arm.
"Let me go, Akito," He breathes, and Akito wants to pull him into a hug and keep him there, wants to drag Toya home and wrap him in every available blanket and keep him safe.
"I can't."
"Please let me go, Akito."
"I- I can't!"
I can't let you go.
i can't live without you.
Don't leave me.
"Close your eyes."
"Don't jump!"
"You'll forget I was ever here."
"I could never forget you, dammit!"
Something pained flickers across Toya's face before he pulls Akito closer, close enough that their noses almost touch.
"You're everything to me." Toya says, quietly.
Akito shakes his head, tries to choke tears. "Stop," he says for the millionth time that day. "Please."
"I.." A flicker of something flashes through Toya's eyes and he smiles, shaky and unsure.
And for a brief moment, Akito thinks Toya will get off the ledge. That he'll let Akito take him home, and care for him.
For a brief moment Akito hopes.
Then he feels hands gently pushing him back and Toya is--
No.
"No!"
Akito screams, rushing to the edge and almost falling over himself.
He feels sick as he watches Toya's body, falling and Akito can't do anything to stop it-
(He watches it hit the ground. There's so much blood.)
Akito stumbles back, feels himself hit the ground.
He failed.
Toya's-
Distantly, Akito can feel himself stand again, dimly registers frantic stumbling down the stairs.
He had to check if Toya was-
Everything dissolves into a blur, and Akito breaks into a run, running until his legs hurt, running to find Toya-
(He spots Toya's body and feels like throwing up.)
Akito stands there, for a moment that feels like forever.
He has to check for a pulse.
He blinks and finds himself staring down at Toya's-
Akito drops to his knees, barely registering the stinging as the rocks dug into them, and turns Toya around, shaking hands pressing against Toya's neck.
(He's still warm.)
(There's so much blood.)
Nothing.
"Toya?" Akito calls, shakily pressing the fingers into Toya's neck again.
No pulse.
"Toya!"
He can't breathe.
"Hey- Hey it's not funny man, get up..."
(Toya wouldn't joke like that.)
"Toya... Toya! wake up!"
(He shakes Toya once, before he registers the blood--Toya's blood--on his hands and jerks away.)
Akito notices the blood on Toya’s face and hurried to wipe it away.
Toya wouldn’t want to be dirty when he wakes up.
At some point, Akito calls 119.
He pulls Toya into his lap, wraps his arms around Toya’s cold body.
Toya’ll be freezing if he doesn’t.
At some point, the ambulance arrives. At some point, they try to take Toya away from him and Akito doesn’t let them.
“I have to go with him! he’d want to see me!”
”He’s dead, sir. i’m sorry.”
Akito doesn’t remember them leaving. He just remembers kneeling, staring blankly. He gets up, walks slowly.
He isn’t sure what time he reaches his house. He opens the door, walking quietly. He sees himself in the mirror—there’s blood, staining his hands, his clothes his face.
Akito moves sluggishly, moving to the shower and turning the shower on.
It’s my fault.
His first thought comes to him as he watches the water run.
Akito steps into the shower, feeling himself get soaked.
The temperature was too cold, numbing his fingers.
Akito thinks it’s fitting.
He isn’t sure how long he stands there, staring at nothing, water slowly turning red at his feet.
(Nothing could wash off the feeling of Toya’s blood staining his hands.)
Ena walks into the bathroom at some point.
He had forgotten to close the door.
“What the hell—“ She looks confused and disgusted at first, before she sees the blood on him, on his clothes, the hollow look in his eyes.
“I couldn’t stop him.” Akito whispers. He isn’t sure if Ena heard him. He isn’t sure why he’s saying this. “I killed him.”
“What—?”
Ena breathes, staring at him in disbelief.
“Toya.” Akito’s voice is small. “He…”
Ena stands there for a moment, before she shakes herself. She turns on her heel and leaves, shutting the door behind her.
Akito blinks, somewhat dazed. He can feel the chill of the water, clearer than it was minutes ago.
Ena opens the door, carrying a towel and his clothes. She yanks him out of the shower, turning it off.
“Dry yourself and get changed.” She says firmly, and Akito nods automatically.
He doesn’t move and Ena sighs, grabbing the towel and beginning to dry his hair.
They stand in silence as she tries him off, peels off his wet clothes and tosses them to the side with a scoff.
“…Is it my fault?” Akito can barely bring himself to speak, his voice barely audible.
Ena takes a breath. “No.” She says, equally as quiet. “It’s not.”
Then who do I blame?
Ena finishes drying him off and orders him to lift his hands. Akito complies and lets her push him into dry clothes.
“Go to sleep, Akito.”
“Okay.”
Akito sits on the edge of his bed and can’t sleep.
—————————————————-
Akito opens his eyes.
Something feels off—he isn’t sure what.
He feels like he just had a horrible dream. Like someone had died…
Akito shakes that thought off quickly. If someone *had* died, he would’ve remembered, right?
He sees the time on his phone and all thoughts of odd wakings leave his mind as he scrambles to get ready.
Normally, he doesn’t wake up this late. Normally, he gets up early and meets Toya at their usual spot.
*Weird,* Akito thinks as he slings his bag over his shoulder and heads out. The feeling doesn’t dissipate, but when he sees Toya everything clicks into place.
“Toya!”
Akito lets himself relax as Toya turns to look at him and smiles, soft and warm and present.
Akito blinks. Why wouldn’t Toya be present?
He shrugs off the thought as he catches up to Toya, letting his hand slip into Toya’s.
“Good morning, Akito.” Toya greets him, and they walk to school.
Akito doesn’t know why everything felt off.
———————————————
“We have next period together.” Toya informs him during lunch.
“Huh? Didn’t we have no classes together?” Akito tilts his head, confused.
Toya smiles slightly. “Maybe they changed it.”
Akito snorts. “What, so we can be together?”
Toya’s eyes had an emotion Akito couldn’t name in them as he smiled. “Wouldn’t that be nice…” he murmurs.
——————————————
Toya holds his hand during class.
He had scooted their desks together in the beginning of class.
“What are you doing?” Akito blinks, surprised.
“Moving next to you.”
“Yeah, but—“
“Shh. Class is starting.”
Akito confusedly paid attention, all until Toya took Akito’s hand in his and acted like everything was completely normal.
Akito couldn’t focus after that.
————————————
“Doesn’t something feel off?” Akito asks.
“Try to enjoy it while it lasts,” Toya says with a half-shrug, before he sees Akito’s troubled expression.
“I was joking,” Toya clarifies. His lips curve into a smile reserved for Akito only and Akito forgets he ever asked the question.
____________________________
“Hey, do you know where An and Kohane went?”
“Weren’t they sick?”
“Now that I think about it… I don't recognize anyone here. Except for you.”
Toya looks concerned. “Are you alright, Akito?”
“...Yeah, I’m feeling fine.
______________________________________
Akito has been feeling the nagging sensation of wrongness for a month now. But Toya always makes it vanish—almost as if being with Toya was the only right.
________________________________________
“Hey, Akito.”
“Morning, Toya.”
“We need to talk.”
“...Huh? Alright.”
“Follow me.”
_________________________________________________________________________
“…It’s time to let go, Akito.”
Akito looks at Toya, his eyes wide.
“…What?”
“You know this isn’t real.”
Akito’s eyes widen. “Toya? What are you talking about?”
“…I’m not real.” Toya reaches over, takes one of Akito’s hands in his. “This place isn’t real.”
Akito feels Toya’s hands, warm against his, and can only stare.
(Because Toya was right.)
“Thank you, for everything.” Toya tells him, smiles that unfairly beautiful smile of his. “But you have to let me go. It’s time to move on.” Like everyone else.
“I can’t forget you,” Akito whispers.
“Remember me, then. Be the only one who remembers. But please. Let yourself be happy.”
I can’t be happy without you.
Akito feels himself shake. He inhales shakily.
“I…”
Toya squeezes his hand. “Just… try? For me?”
Akito feels defeat fill him. He lets himself lean into Toya, one last time.
“I wish I could stay here forever.”
His voice is quiet.
“Your friends miss you. Ena misses you.” Toya smiles softly, affectionately brushes Akito’s hair out of his eyes. Akito lets himself savor the moment.
(He knows it’s the last time it’ll ever happen.)
Akito thinks of An, thinks of Kohane. Of Ena, hell, even that weirdo Mizuki, their equally weird friend Rui and Rui’s infamous partner Tsukasa.
Your friends miss you.
He isn’t used to people caring.
Toya sighs, moves his hands to cradle Akito’s face in his hands.
“It’s almost time for me to go.” He murmurs.
Akito takes a breath, steels himself. His eyes sting from tears as he pulls Toya into a final hug.
“Thank you,” He chokes.
I’m sorry.
Toya looks melancholic, mixed emotions of sadness and happiness in his eyes.
“I’m happy,” Toya says. “You’re moving on.”
“I don’t want to.” Akito says desperately, his grip on Toya’s hand tightening.
“You can move on without forgetting me, Akito.”
I don’t want to.
Toya’s hands move to tilt Akito’s face upwards.
“…Toya?”
Akito’s voice sounds hoarse, cracked and raw.
“You’re my everything.” Toya murmurs.
Akito feels himself freeze, the familiar lines making his blood run cold.
“Don’t-“ Akito gasps out in pure instinct before Toya’s leaning closer to him, tugging Akito close to him.
“I’m not.” Toya’s breath is warm, fanning across Akito’s lips. “I’m here.”
Akito remains tense for a moment before he lets himself melt into Toya’s touch.
Akito lets his eyes fall closed and Toya kisses him, soft and gentle.
“I wish you were still here,” Akito whispers and Toya rests their foreheads together.
“I’ll always be in your memories.”
Toya murmurs, taking one of Akito’s hands in his.
“I’ll never forget you.” Akito says again, ignoring the way he chokes out the words, the soft sob that wracks his body.
“I love you.”
“…I always loved you.”
“Goodbye, Akito.”
The warmth of Toya’s touch fades and when Akito opens his eyes, he’s alone.
He stays to watch the sunset. There’s an aching sense of loneliness, a hollowness in his chest Akito can’t push away.
It’s time for you to move on. Toya’s voice echoes in his mind.
Akito doesn’t want to.
He thinks of An and Kohane again.
The day bleeds into night and Akito stands with a sigh.
I’m going now, Toya.
He wonders if Toya would be proud.
Akito begins walking, footsteps echoing throughout the empty city.
He walks, until he arrives outside a door. It’s glowing, in the middle of the road, connected to nothing.
Akito steps forward and opens it.
Goodbye.
He thinks.
*I’ll always remember you, Toya.*
Akito steps through the door and moves on.
————————————————
Akito opens his eyes, heavy with loss.
He’s in his bed, blankets messily tossed everywhere. His phone is dead on the cabinet next to him.
Pictures of Toya lay strewn around his bed, some on the table in the center of his room.
Akito sighs.
He wished it was just a nightmare. Something he could walk off.
“Be happy. Please.”
Akito pushes himself off the bed, collects the pictures. He sets them gently next to his phone and silently swears to never forget Toya.
He’ll remember, even if he’s the only one.
Akito plugs his phone in and steps into the hallway, walking towards Ena’s room.
He opens the door, stepping inside quietly.
She’s asleep, curled into her pillow, and Akito lets out a silent sigh of relief.
(He can’t afford to lose anyone else close to him.)
Akito pads into the living room, next, checking the time.
The clock reads “3:13 AM” and Akito resigns himself to a long night awake.
By the time it’s 6:00 o’ clock AM, Akito has looked through all the Toya pictures sitting around his bed, overthought until his head hurt, and stared at the ceiling for a grand two hours.
Ena wakes up later, as she always does, and something in Akito is soothed by familiarity. He cooks her breakfast, chocolate pancakes, and she eats them in silence.
They don’t bicker at all, both oddly subdued.
“You alright?” Akito asks, sitting in her room.
“Are you?” Ena returns pointedly, and Akito can’t answer.
————————————————
“Hey Toya,” Akito calls out as he closes his door. The pictures of Toya don’t respond—they never do, but Akito has stopped expecting a response.
After 15 years of your best friend that you secretly had a crush on being dead, you tend to give up on ever seeing them again.
He stops by a room near his own, opening the door.
Inside, there’s little pictures of Toya, sitting atop an old dresser. The dresser used to be Toya’s.
When Toya had passed, his father had approached Akito and let him take anything of Toya’s that Akito wanted.
It was an odd move, considering all the shit Akito had heard of him. But, no matter. Akito had wanted everything he could use to remember Toya—and he took whatever he could.
Even now, Akito doesn’t forget. He remembers Toya’s favorite food, the color of his eyes, the way Toya would smile at a joke he found particularly funny.
Sometimes, Akito makes coffee and bakes some cookies, and imagines Toya’s reactions to eating them.
Sometimes, Akito pretends Toya is still alive.
Sometimes, when it’s a bad day, Akito forgets Toya is dead.
But, Akito’s moving on.
He takes a slow breath.
Or, Akito is trying to.
He steps into the room and sits, crosses his legs and takes a moment to collect his thoughts.
“Hey, Toya. It’s been… a while.”
Akito begins.
“You’re not gonna believe what happened today, man. An proposed, in the middle of work today. Kohane said yes, of course, and everyone lost their shit. It was awesome.”
Akito smiles thinking of it, of Kohane’s wide-eyed surprised reaction, of An shaking him and freaking out mere moments before the proposal.
“…I guess it would surprise you to know we aren’t a band. Not anymore. After you died… Well, I dunno, everything just kind of…”
“…”
“I couldn’t sing without thinking of you, I guess. And… and I realized I… didn’t want anyone else to go through this. I wanted to help, I guess?”
“Hah, what I’m saying is I found something other than music I wanted to pursue. I wanted to… save lives. To make some difference, you know? So I worked my ass off, got into some fancy, rich school. Me, An and Kohane are still close, though. I’m good friends with Tsukasa now. I know you two were always close. He isn’t as bad as I thought he’d be.
After you died, we… got close. Something like that. We both loved you, in different ways. Saki, too. I also became friends with Rui. He and Rui really suit each other.”
“…We could’ve suited each other the same way, Toya.”
“…I’m getting off topic. Anyway, yeah, I’m a surgeon now. I save people everyday. I make sure families don’t have to go through what I did. Since I was ass at social work, I thought this would be better…”
“Who would have thought, Am I right?”
“…I just wanted to say. I never forgot you. I’ll never forget you.”
“You’re… I never found another person like you again. I guess I’m still hung up on you, but I can’t picture myself lik– loving anyone else.”
“But… Thanks. For being there, when you were still alive.”
“Thanks for everything, Toya.”
“I don’t know if I’ll ever move on, but…”
“Just know, I can’t forget you.”