Work Text:
It had been raining the day you first met.
Before you had seen the boy – boy, because in his desperation he had never looked younger despite almost being a man, recognized by society – he had been like any other ghoul: your extermination target.
Simple, and clear-cut.
The moment you saw him, however, something in you began to shift subtly.
You didn’t mean to kill him – it was really a habit more than anything, you’ve never had any ghouls escaping from you alone, after all – despite him damaging IXA and you needing a replacement.
After all, everything you did was based on instinct – which you knew made you a difficult person to get along with, according to Take – and maybe, maybe, a sick fascination – a strange desire, something entirely foreign – that had overwhelmed you in that moment made you punish the other just a little.
His left eye healed perfectly, but the sore sight of the bandages around his head covering his right eye left a bitter taste of guilt in your mouth.
Up until this day, you still have no idea if his memory loss was a blessing or a curse. The surprise and slight joy that whelmed up within you when Chigyou informed you that The Centipede was, in fact, alive and breathing, was unprecedented.
So was the feeling of disappointment when you were told of his memory loss.
However, you were truly glad that Haise was able to stand by you and trust you so completely in the three years you had spent with him.
Haise was endearing, innocent and so completely trusting. You never stopped feeling the disgust over your own actions, especially during moments where the other would look at you curiously and wonder where his knowledge came from. Haise knew about his “previous” life, about Kaneki Ken, but he never questioned it often – you didn’t like how he was being cut off from a huge part of what makes him into who he was supposed to be.
More importantly, you didn’t like how you were the instigator of this whole mess.
During the moments where Haise did think about it, however, you could always see the feeling of loss and confusion in his eyes as well as the want – the need – to open his mouth and just question you directly.
An urge that he had held back, over and over again.
(Because he really was too caring for his own good, which was why you always kept a close eye on him.)
You can’t decide if it was a good thing. But you knew – still do, actually – that if he had confronted you once, just once, you know it would’ve all came pouring out.
The ugly truth, everything, and what you had done to all that he had once held dear – and still does, the moment he gets his memories back.
It pains you to admit it, but you are scared.
It’s something that you have never experienced before.
A part of you never wanted him to remember, never wanted to Kaneki Ken to return. You didn’t want to be hated by him. The jealous, envious glances of CCG investigators never fazed you, but you never wanted to be looked at by those grey eyes – it might even be red on one side, depending on the circumstance – filled with hate.
So you were glad he never asked, and you kept your mouth wisely shut.
(While you watched him climb the ladders of CCG ranks quickly and did your best to protect him from the shadows.)
He once told you that he’d never leave you even if he remembered.
You thought it was all wishful thinking on both his and your part. You weren’t a delusional individual, and you knew that there was no doubt that the moment he remembers – the moment he is no longer Sasaki Haise – he will leave you.
It’s a matter of “when”, and not an “if”. You had corrected him.
He returned your correction curtly, staring at you with an unwavering gaze.
It was an issue neither of you spoke of again.
(You wished, however, that Haise wouldn't make such promises easily.)
With the fear of abandonment, came the realisation that you might have fallen in love with Haise – or was it Kaneki Ken? You don’t know. Funny that your life was suddenly filled with so many unknowns since the moment you’d met him in V14.
The realization did not – according to some of the romance novels he (Haise, you don’t know much about Kaneki Ken but you wish you did) liked to read – come suddenly.
It came like a gentle breeze, rolling into your mind and heart like an ocean’s tender wave.
And, if you had one, it plunged straight into your soul.
He had always held a special place in your heart, that much you’d known.
Top-Class Mado called it “Paternal Love” while Take had refused to comment on your interaction with him, choosing to observe in the background instead. You were all right with that, since he never meant Haise any harm.
Taishi, however, would always look at your interactions with Haise with a small frown and mumble under his breath.
You never knew what he was busy mumbling about, and neither did you care.
One day, however, Taishi walked up to you and stared at you for a really long time, before sighing and patted you on the shoulder.
“I never thought I would see this day, but he doesn’t seem like a half-bad person, despite his unique… circumstance.”
“I hope you’re happy.”
You were confused by Taishi’s words, because the first question that came to your mind was ‘why would I not be happy with Haise?’
Then you realised, you never felt happiness in your whole life until Haise.
There were moments of contentment for others’ achievements – Suzuya for example – but you never knew what true happiness for yourself felt like until you met Haise.
It was a light, liberating feeling that had steadily bloomed in your chest – perhaps that was the identity of the subtle shift you felt since the fateful moment you met Kaneki Ken – and made you feel like you could stay by his side always and forget about everything else.
It was a feeling that made the world seem much brighter and colourful; it was a feeling that Haise showed you.
Without Haise, you wouldn’t have had a chance of experiencing the beauty of feeling real happiness with another – the other.
The boy – for yes, he was a boy mentally, albeit not physically – has taught you so much.
You began to think that maybe, he had taught you the enchanting emotion of love as well.
(With that silent, peaceful acknowledgement, came a solid ‘click’ in your heart.
A sound of finality.)
The decision that you would stay by his side and protect him was made when Ui reported a verdict regarding the method of dealing with Aogiri from the Special Class Meeting.
It was the first time you wish you had gone to a meeting.
Logically speaking, Haise was indeed the best individual to use as bait to lure Aogiri out – and you knew there were several individuals rejoicing over this news, Associate Special Class Washuu being one of them – due to his unique background.
But now that the CCG knew Aogiri was mass-producing One-Eyed artificial hybrids, it wouldn’t be as effective since the attraction of Kaneki’s individual nature would have disappeared. It was the only method the CCG had, and you can’t remember a time when you cursed the organization’s method of doing things.
You never cursed yourself for being careless until then, either.
So you decided that if you couldn’t stop it, you would protect Haise – Kaneki, whether he wanted his protection or not – from harm.
When Haise remembers, you will follow him.
Whether it was towards death, or a brighter future.
It was a Sunday afternoon and the both of you were simply resting on the couch, reading and enjoying each other’s company. Haise had your head resting on his lap, and even with your eyes closed you knew he was reading his favourite Takatsuki Sen.
You enjoyed his warmth and the soft touch of his hands running through your hair.
“Whatever Haise wants to do, I’ll stay by your side.” It honestly came out on impulse, but you knew it was something you had decided on long before you received news from Ui.
Perhaps, it was something that you had decided on subconsciously even before Haise awoke for the first time.
The hand playing with your hair stopped, and you heard Haise’s sharp intake of breath as he snapped his book shut in surprise.
“Arima-san should really be putting the CCG before me. We’ve been through this before, I’m just –“
“You’re more important to me. So I’ll stay by you, always.” Even if Haise – even if Kaneki - didn’t want him to.
“… Arima-san?”
“Hm?”
“…Thank you.”
You smiled.
If there is one thing you failed to take into consideration, however, it was your lack of ability to protect someone.
… Funny, how God – if such a being does exist – gifted you with enormous talent, but never gave you the power to protect.
(How different the both of you are, for you were made solely for the sake of fighting, but he had been cursed with the duty to protect.
And, maybe, your wish to protect was a violation of your very reason for existence.)
… It's raining, again.
Just like that day.
And, ah, you can hear him screaming your name, again.
“Arima Kishou! Don’t you dare – why did you even! I would’ve survived that, for goodness’ sake!”
Yes, he would have. But the damage done to him would have been enough to kill him again. You didn’t want that for him.
Once was enough.
You think that being critically injured is a queer feeling – there are no other ways to describe it, because you have never even scratched the brink of death before – it is numb, and cold.
The only warmth you can feel is from the hands that are shaking around your shoulders, the body pressed desperately to your own.
The droplets, warmer than the merciless pouring rain.
You suddenly feel a little fuzzy – and there is red everywhere, so you bled like any other normal individuals, like any other human beings, too – and lightheaded.
“Damn it Arima Kishou! Don’t you dare close your eyes on me, wake up! Stay, awake! Talk to me!” You hear the other’s voice command, and you blink your eyes open to look into stern ones, one grey and the other, red.
And you know, in that moment, it is no longer Haise who was in front of you.
(You were thankful that you got to see him once more, however. There was just so much you wanted him to know.
But there was no time. So all you could say – all you were allowed to say – was his name.
His name, precious but forgotten.)
“…Kaneki… Ken.” The other blinked in surprise and continued to shake your shoulders after that moment of shock at your recognition.
“So you know who I am now, all the more reason not to die, right? Aren’t you the one who’s supposed to keep Haise in check? I have yet to pay you back for all that you have done to me, so, damn it, you can’t die! Aren’t you supposed to be invincible, the Death God of the CCG?”
His voice bordered on the hysterical, and he had to scream to be heard over the sound of the thunderstorm – the rain is growing heavier, and you see the water washing the red away.
God of Death, Shinigami, huh?
It seems like you are human after all.
So perhaps that’s the reason why you feel unexplainably happy that he is safe even when you are dying – dying, such a weird word association. You can already feel yourself slipping into the kind, beckoning oblivion – was this how he had felt the first time? When you killed him?
You might not be able to stay with him; it seems like whatever higher ups out there are never going to allow you to.
(And you mocked them, for giving you so much but not the one thing you truly wanted.)
But he is safe; it’s all that matters.
You protected him.
And as you close your eyes amongst his panicked screams and the thundering rain, your mind flashes to your first meeting –
the beautiful carmine, and the splash of white tresses amongst the dead.