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Your skin had gone numb from the weight of the concrete pressing into your shoulders, jagged edges biting until they got blood. The building must’ve collapsed in a freak accident—one second you were telling Keigo about your sidekick’s new astrology kick and the next the weight of the floor above you had forced you to your knees.
The slab on your back would’ve crushed the two of you if you hadn’t locked your joints, but now you swore you could hear your bones grating against one another. Something pushed past your skin, sharp and cold, as the building shook again. You screwed your eyes shut, lungs wet as you struggled for your next breath. “Are you okay?” you whispered, copper on your tongue when you finally opened your eyes once more.
Keigo’s eyes were as wide as you’d ever seen them. “Keigo?” Silently, he pointed at your chest. You glanced down. The rebar had finally pushed all the way through. The concrete shifted once again, a heavy rumble, before your arms finally collapsed.
You woke with a gasp, chest heaving as you stared into darkness. The shape of your nightstand came into sharp focus, followed by an equally sharp intake of breath behind you. “Y/N?” Keigo’s voice was thick with sleep, heavy on your ears.
The chill in your room cut through your pajamas. It was just a dream. You placed your hand over your chest, the sensation of the rebar still echoing through your skin. You were in one piece. There was no building. No concrete. No silent gold eyes. “Babe?”
You jolted as a warm hand nudged at your arm. Eyes wide, you swung your head around. Keigo was mostly shadow in the room, but you could catch the glint of his eyes and the furrow deepening on his face. “Honey?” Your brain finally caught up.
“Everything’s fine,” you said. “Just a dream.” Your heart was still thundering in your ears. An ache throbbed through your arms and back as if you were still holding up concrete. You sucked in a breath as if you’d forgotten to for the last few minutes. “Go back to sleep, Keigo.” Your mouth mimicked a smile as best it knew how.
Keigo’s frown deepened. “You don’t seem fine.” Heat rose to your face.
“I said I’m fine,” you snapped, swinging your legs off the mattress. “Go back to sleep.”
“Where are you—”
“I’m just getting some water.” You closed the bedroom door forcefully, marching yourself to the kitchen. You didn’t bother turning on the light, just felt for a clean glass and turned on the tap until the glass felt heavy enough.
You put it down on the counter, turned around, and slid to the floor. This was the fourth one this week alone. You were used to poor sleep—it was a miracle in and of itself for you to wake up fewer than three times a night not accounting for Keigo’s own sleeping habits. Waking up with your heart in your throat and adrenaline racing through your veins was not something you usually accounted for.
You brought your knees to your chest and wrapped your arms around them tight. Your body was heavy, muscles aching from work this week. A deep inhale—a slow exhale. Was it too much to ask for your usual sleep? You’d dreamt of at least seven different ways to die in the last few days and each dream had Keigo staring wordlessly at you in each one. At least you hadn’t been watching him die, but experiencing your own death was starting to eat at you.
Something warm slid down to the ground beside you. You exhaled slowly, eyes closed as you tried to center yourself. The soft exhale beside you was followed by a hand gripping yours, thumb gentle stroking your skin. You sighed.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you,” you murmured. Keigo hummed. “Thank you for trying to check in with me.”
There was silence for a few minutes as you kept your head against your knees.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Keigo asked, voice soft. You could feel his gaze on you. You didn’t have the strength to look back.
“I don’t—” Your throat tightened. “—I don’t really know what to say.” Keigo’s feathers wiggled behind you, pushing you slightly forward so his wing could slide in behind and pull you toward his side. “I feel like a dumb kid.”
“Y/N.” You could practically hear the frown on his face. “You aren’t a dumb kid. What’s going on?”
You turned your face away. “It’s not important.”
Keigo stiffened next to you, his grip on your hand tightening to near-painful. “If you’re going to lie to me, you could pretend to be convincing.” Even his feathers were stiff against your skin. “Did you think I wouldn’t notice?”
You couldn’t tell if he was angry or hurt. Either way, now you simply couldn’t face. “You go to bed with your heart racing.” Keigo’s words were clipped. “You wake up in the middle of the night, almost every night, with your heart racing. You won’t talk about it—at least not with me.” You could hear the silent why? from a mile away. “You gasp, and you tense, and you shake.” Keigo’s shoulder nudged yours. “Do you think I don’t know what that means, either?”
You bit your lip, tears welling in your eyes. “If you know, then what’s the point of asking?” you choked out. “Just to make me admit it?”
Tense silence stretched between the two of you as you struggled to keep your breathing even. Keigo’s voice was thick when he spoke again. “Every single night I wake up afraid, and every single night you’re there—at my back. Helping me feel safe.” Keigo’s free hand reached up to the side of your head and pulled it to his shoulder. “You’re afraid, and you’re hurting, and maybe asking you to talk about it isn’t fair, but can’t you let me be there for you like you are for me?”
You gripped his shirt tightly, tears finally spilling over no matter how evenly you tried to keep your breaths. Every exhale was wet and shaking. You climbed into Keigo’s lap, face buried in his shoulder, and held on like your life depended on it.
It felt like hours had passed before you finally felt a sense of your normal self returning. Keigo had one hand at the back of your head and the other stroking your spine. He was humming the same song you drowsily hummed to him almost every night. His wings were warm against your back.
“We keep dying.” The words came out despite your best attempt to keep them in.
“Dying?”
You sniffled. “Well, sometimes you live,” you whispered. “But every time I fall asleep I keep dying.” Keigo’s grip on you tightened.
“It’s not real, baby,” he whispered. “But I’m sure it’s scary.”
You gripped his shirt tighter. “It feels real.” Keigo’s grip on you tightened. “I’m afraid to go to sleep. Every time it’s something new—and every time you’re there but I can’t save you.” You choked on your next words. “I don’t want to die again.”
“I’m sorry, honey,” Keigo murmured, his head leaning against yours. “I’m sorry. You must’ve been so scared each time—I’m right here. We’re both here.”
Keigo grabbed one of your hands and placed it firmly on his chest, his own resting on top of it. “What do you feel?” You sniffled quietly, turning your head slightly. Keigo’s chest rose and fell, slowly, calmly, regularly.
“You,” you mumbled. “Your breathing.” Keigo hummed approvingly.
“That’s right,” he said softly. He pressed his own hand against your chest. Maybe he could feel your heart still trying its best to hammer through your rib cage. “Do you know what I feel?”
You shook your head. Keigo pressed a kiss to your temple. “You,” he said. “Breathing. Being.” You shivered.
The two of you sat in silence for a few more minutes, your hand resting on Keigo’s chest as you counted his breaths, in , out, one, in, out, two , until the tension slowly melted from you. Keigo’s hand kept a steady rhythm up and down your spine. His feathers felt soft against your skin.
“Do you want to try going back to sleep?” His voice was a whisper against your cheek. You closed your eyes.
“I don’t know.”
Keigo’s humming resumed as he thought. “Do you want to try laying in bed? We don’t have to sleep.”
You tensed. “What if I fall asleep and start dreaming again?” Keigo hummed thoughtfully.
“I can wake you up, if you want. If you want to sleep, and you wake up scared, I’ll be there.” He kissed your temple again. “I’ll always be there. I’ll remind you we’re alive.”
“You don’t have to,” you whispered. “You don’t sleep well either.”
“I love you.” Keigo’s words were firm. “I want to.” You pulled back to look at his face.
“I might not sleep.”
You could still see the gentle gold of his eyes in the dark. “That’s okay. We can stay up together.”
“What if it’s days?”
Keigo’s smile was soft. “Then we’ll take it one night at a time.”
“It might be a lot of nights.”
“That’s okay.” The kiss he gave you was slow and reassuring. “You’re worth the wait.”