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Gon’s an idiot and a weirdo, Killua’s decided.
He’s weird. Killua can’t figure him out. He still doesn’t know why any of them had come. But it made him feel happy. He thought he was just gonna be stuck in that house forever. Again. And this time, it would be permanent.
Gon’s a weirdo. What kinda person goes to an assassin's house? Gon’s an idiot. He always got this fire in his eye when fighting, like he enjoyed it. For Killua. Fighting is just a necessity. Training too. It’s always been…
A necessity. That he once dreaded. But it’s sort of fun with Gon.
Sometimes he still feels like he’s three, crouched down in the corner of his room with the thin blanket over his head and blood caked against his skin, blending with the bruises, shaking, terrified.
Sometimes he still feels that way. This bed is way too big, and the room is too quiet…
It feels like the whole illusion will just break. It’s not real. Why would anyone want to save him? Be friends with him? Just that heavy weight of waiting. He only cries when he thinks no one will see. Clutching the red velvet fabric up to his chest, staring out the window at the full, bright moon. He doesn’t want to sleep.
He grabs one of the pillows, letting his feet hit the edge of the bed, jumping down.
Killua can go nights without sleeping, but sometimes he can just feel the heavy strain, and he just doesn’t want it anymore. He doesn’t want any of it! The pain. The anxiety that wells up in his chest. He just wants to be a normal kid. He’s sick of it!
But they wouldn’t go a day without reminding him. Looking at him, disappointed when he’d rather play than train. He can easily slot his fingers against the rough, uneven, deep cuts in his skin or the small circles from Milluki’s cigarettes.
Everyday.
Until…
Gon.
That was the most fun he had. Free from the watch of everyone. Even with the annoying old man yelling at him. He thought he was free, at least…
But he couldn’t escape it even if he wanted to. So now. He’s just scared. Of it ending.
He sinks down to the floor, hugging the pillow like a lifeline. He was going to go throw it at Gon and ask, ‘Yo, Gon! Wanna train?’ he wanted the distraction, but… he can’t go now.
He can feel the cold brush of his brother’s fingers against his shoulder now, making him slump over onto the floor, closing his eyes and trying to keep a natural breathing rhythm, tears warm on his cheeks.
‘Kil.’
No! He hates it all! Even back then, when he was so young, he knew what each cold tone of voice meant, and he hated it. He’d press his face into Mike’s fur, begging every god up there. He hates electricity training! No! He hates it!
But he’d have to go.
And then he’d go back and try and not sob; he learned from an early age how to weep quietly; it hurt so much. Even throwing the big stick for Mike to fetch.
Of course, they’d always find him.
‘Master Killua.’
It’s time for your next training or… whatever.
He didn’t really like Gotoh that much originally. Not until a particularly bad day when he was four, and Gotoh showed him that dumb coin trick… Killua doesn’t know if it was to cheer him up, but Gotoh always did small things, like get him chocolate, or one time he gave him a small plush that looked like Mike. Said his mother made it. Yeah, right. Killua could scoff at the thought, Gotoh, you’re a terrible liar. But he was loyal to that screeching woman, and probably wanted Killua to think more fondly of her… but how could he…?
Of course, kindness from anyone would become less and less.
And he just wanted a friend… to not have to anymore. Even if he’s used to it.
He doesn’t want to go through that pain anymore…
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
But he’s used to it. And this idiot really thinks he stands a chance against him, and it’s laughable. It’s laughable. He’s used to this. He can feel the tingling in the air, it makes the hair stand up on the back of his neck, and he can’t breathe.
Anything the dumb idiot is saying is muffled; he only feels the harsh restraints of that place and terror.
‘Mommy! Mommy! I’m scared!’
How could she smile at him like that?
‘Big Brother, I don’t wanna!’
But it didn’t matter, did it…?
‘No one’s gonna save you, Kil.’
No one…
“Help…”
It can’t be heard over the loud crowd, or the idiot’s laughter.
His blood just runs cold, and he’s not here, or he tries not to be. So it’ll hurt less. It’s the only way to win. He puts on a cocky front.
The ground shakes, but the pain doesn’t come.
“Ki-!”
He doesn’t…
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
Of course, it’s Gon. Gon always shakes his world upside down. Really he wants to yell at the idiot and hit him upside the head, but his hands are shaking too much. He follows Gon into the hallway, dropping down to the floor and hiding his head in between his knees.
“Killua, are you okay?”
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
Stupid. Selfish. It’s just a little pain.
Terrible. His fingers twitch, and he chokes down a sob.
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
Gon’s back is warm. Unlike his brothers back when he used to carry him. When he just couldn’t walk anymore. But the air was always heavy with disappointment. But Gon doesn’t seem disappointed. Killua moves his arms down and around Gon’s neck, slumping his head down against his chest.
He knows he shouldn’t let his guard down, but he almost slips and falls asleep. He always felt safe enough around Gon.
Killua can’t tell what Gon’s thinking, but he can’t help but feel scared. It might end.
Gon places him gently down on the bed, smiling, before running toward the door.
“I’ll grab us something to drink!”
Idiot… how can you smile right now? You have no idea if you got yourself eliminated…
Killua watches the door slowly close, waiting for it to shut completely before he drags his legs up and pushes his face into the blankets.
It’s not real! The pain always comes. His skin still feels like it’s tingling like it was burned, and all his insides hurt, but it’s not there, not when he lifts his sleeve up and grazes his fingertips across. It doesn’t hurt.
It doesn’t. Make sense. Gon’s a weirdo! He doesn’t get the rules…
He doesn’t get any of it.
“Killua! I’m back!”
Killua can feel the bed shift, but he doesn’t move, drawing his arms towards his chest.
“Killua?”
He can’t avoid Gon forever…
“Here, I managed to find you some chocolate milk-”
He sits up, sighing and looking over, watching Gon’s expression fall.
Gon places the cans to the side of the bed, grabbing Killua by the arms; the first amount of any real pain Killua’s actually felt today; a gasp caught in his throat.
“What’s wrong, did they hurt you?!”
They always do, but he knows that’s not who Gon is asking about.
Why do you have that dumb expression on your face? It was the same stupidly scary look he had when he fought Gido…
Gon lightens his grip only slightly, his worried eyes piercing right into Killua’s soul.
“You’re crying.”
He is…? He didn’t notice…
“…’m fine.”
He tries to shrug Gon off, staring at the crinkled sheets.
Gon let’s go, reluctantly, pressing the drink against Killua’s palm.
Killua stares through the film of tears at the can, the little chocolate cow mascot on it, letting his hair fall into his eyes.
It’s too much…
“You’re an idiot. What if you can’t fight Hisoka, now…?”
He glances up, catching Gon rubbing the back of his head, sticking his tongue out.
“I’m sure Wing can convince them!”
How can you be so sure…?
“Killua.”
Gon wraps his arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer until Killua’s head collides with Gon’s chest.
“They didn’t hurt you, right?”
So what? Even if they did…
“What does it matter, idiot! I could’ve handled it! I’m supposed to handle it! There are no such things as knights in shining armor! You didn’t have to help me!”
His stomach feels sick. All these feelings are curling around his heart and squeezing it. He can’t stop the poison, and he can’t stop the tears, gripping the can tighter, trying to stifle his sobs.
Killua can feel Gon’s thumb rubbing against his shoulder blade, which feels oddly comforting. He isn’t used to this.
He was so happy when Gon came to that place. It didn’t feel real. He didn’t even know how to thank Gon.
“Hmm…”
Gon hums and Killua shifts his head, just slightly, to look up at him.
“Okay! What about pea knights?”
“W-what?”
Killua brings one of his hands up, rubbing under his nose, coughing.
“Uh! Instead of armor, they wear green!”
What…?
He can’t be serious… but he looks dead serious, eyebrows furrowed, and lips pushed together in a determined pout.
“Would, uh, a knight be allowed then?”
He’s genuinely a weirdo. And an idiot. And anything he’s saying it can’t be, won’t ever be true… but Gon… his chest feels the same warmth it felt the day he came to that place.
“I-I don’t need a knight, stupid!”
Killua always wanted one… but it’s too late now anyway… he used to read those fairy tale books… they were just that, though. Fairy tales.
“Oh. I guess not…”
Killua’s stomach drops, and he grabs the drink again, trying to ignore the burning in his throat and painful pressure welling up in his eyes.
He doesn’t need one! There’s no need to be disappointed!
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
To Gon… it was more. He could just imagine Killua sitting at the top of some tower wearing a big poofy pink dress and hat, and getting tired of waiting, and marching down and killing the dragon keeping him in that tower. Killing it with his own high heel easily, but that didn’t change the fact that Gon still wanted to protect Killua too! Even if Killua could probably easily rip out the heart of a dragon or beat it to death with a shoe…
Seeing Killua cry like that, he was prettier than usual, but it broke Gon’s heart. So Gon doesn’t regret it! Even if he is in big trouble now! Interrupting the match…
“But I still wanna be your knight? I’ll protect you! Can I?”
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
…Huh?
His knight…?
Killua hasn’t ever had one of those…
Mike was a guard dog, who he went to, but in the end, he wasn’t just Killua’s… he wouldn’t fight his dad for Killua… and Killua used to not want to disappoint his dad… Gotoh was kinder to him than lots, but… he could only do so much being employed by them…
It’s not like Gon would ever stand a chance… and Killua doesn’t want anything to happen to Gon…
It’s not something that can last…
Still…
“I-I guess, b-but I’m not done scolding you, idiot!”
Doing something so foolish…
“But you were frightened! I had to!”
Gon puffs out his chest, huffing.
How did he notice…?
Idiot… he really doesn’t get you, placing the can to the side, and shifting just slightly closer to Gon. Even though he has such a hard time sleeping all by himself, when Gon’s there, he feels like he can just let his guard down. His hand is warm on Killua’s shoulder, and hearing his chest and feeling it rise and fall, Killua lets his eyes flutter closed, humming softly.
“…Gon…?”
“Yeah?”
“I…”
He still doesn’t know. How could he know what to say…? It was easy to yell at Gon for being reckless… but…
“…I was happy… when I heard you were there…”
And scared. Always scared, but…
He feels like can succumb to sleep with his ‘knight’ here.
Just for a moment, maybe, he closes his eyes, breathing softly, smiling.
“…Thank you…”