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and so it stuck me, a lightning bolt through the heart like i never felt pain before. had he been too confident earlier? shit. they were just kissing moments ago, until toya pulled off. hand on akito’s shoulder, another on his lips while he looked off to the side, staring at the ground they stand on, eyes filled with distress.
he’s thinking, overthinking. probably, if he really never changed. probably, if akito remembers who to decipher this guy as he did before. either way, whether he could be right or wrong, this isn’t good.
watching toya, still back against the wall, with a look like that, akito worries he looks like a pervert trying to hit on a drop dead gorgeous being. they might get stares, someone might get the wrong idea, someone might even interfere, but akito would rather have a certain shiraishi an poke at him than some stranger calling him a pervert.
so akito walked off and stood beside toya, shoulders almost brushing as he leaned on the wall. he saw a glimpse of toya watching him, but still had that look.
god, how is akito supposed to get that off toya’s face? do old methods work? coffee? i love you? no, maybe he wouldn’t really like that… what even is wrong, what even is going on up there in toya’s head?
some part of akito reality-checked him, he isn’t who he was to toya before. he lost all progress with him that day. he could have changed, he could have stayed the same— akito doesn’t know, and he would be lying if he said it didn’t upset him, make him sick to his stomach. oh, and he wouldn’t particularly say the two of them were lying about missing each other or wanting to hear each others’ voices or still loving each other back, it’s just… worrying. what if there were too many changes? what if they don’t click anymore?
…
before akito could even try and attempt to cheer toya up, a memory flashed into his mind, playing in a makeshift cinema in akito’s head.
‘you’re making a mistake, toya! these memories will haunt you, how are you supposed to play when you’re still stuck with us?!’
‘you say “i’m fine” in the most wearisome ways possible, toya, i know you better than that!’
those eyes he vividly remembers going blank, lifeless, dull— like the worst fever dream this guy has ever had, and this guy rarely gets sick. and there he was, arguing and yelling at the poor boy as his face grows distant, unresponsive. back to the old look he had, but with eyes less…willing, less willing to run, less willing to run and chase a dream, their dream. all the progress akito had trying to bring toya into a world he missed out on as a child, it all felt tossed to the side— the side being an endless pit and anyone would be stupid to jump in. toya was back into that perfect husk of a body, forgetting all together that he was human.
pang. it was like he was shot directly at the heart, merciless, with no intention to forgive or forget.
so much for what felt like decades of love…
that look, it haunts akito to this day. once toya left, he swore to himself that if ever toya returns, that look isn’t going to stare back at him again. no ounce of dullness should stare back at him, eye to eye or his overall look.
had he been too harsh back then? akito had once never thought of that possibility until now.
he be lying, bluffing, whatever word is worse that lying, if he said he didn’t think about toya. just missing him and worrying for the boy, it drove him mad, his heart felt like it got weaker by the passing day. he wonders if this is even healthy, if he should see a doctor or what, ena would probably drag him there if she knew, but that’s also too much of a hassle. if you ask him, his heart ached so badly it hurt to even get up. what is he spiraling down to, akito wonders.
i’d drive down different roads to forget, but all i saw was you. every crowd, every song, every livehouse, all i thought was the name ‘aoyagi toya’, ‘bad dogs’, ‘vivid bad squad’. i hope you hadn’t forgotten that night out in vivid street, the night i impulsively promised to marry you, wait if i have to. if you’re still up for it, maybe…
i’d pick you up and we would go back in time, just the two of us, living our best days again. never leaving if it meant you and me with bright smiles on our faces, blissfully kissing after shows so exciting the crowd is basically a blur, panting as we would flop on the couch backstage, your head falling on my shoulder as you almost fall asleep, jolting up to our group name being called winners. laughing as we would joke around with each other, even if you aren’t really the type to joke around. when would reach that day, that day i would erase from history if i had the power to, i would rewind back again. i would do anything if it meant you were safe and sound, wrapped in my arms.
akito realizes he had his head hung low
“you okay?”
i’ll never let you go, because i know this is a fight that someday we are going to win.
i’ve given you my heart once, i trust you kept it safe? i told you to be gentle with it, does it still thrive, or has it gone weak and helpless? can i trust you as i did before?
am i still yours?
toya’s heart aches at the thought, like it gone from a distant wind to a fist of rock. it felt heavier carrying it around, legs would quiver if he tired walking. he wonders if akito can sense his distress.
yes, they love each other dearly; they held each other so close to their hearts. dizzy with love by the end of their dates, sharing pain so horrifyingly low — but can they make it click again? can they make that spark brutally put out light up again? can they share this low like before?
what if i want to make it work? what if i think its worth it?
toya felt immense guilt right after his high of selfishness, he leaves then comes walking back already kissing this boy like nothing happened? what, like that isn’t weird? toya can’t shake the thought he was the one who burned them down, like how he did before, he can’t find the mercy to forgive himself knowing he broke the love of his life’s heart twice.
“…yeah, i’m alright, i just—”
tell me that you are still mine, tell me that we will be just fine, even if i lose my mind. tell me it’s not my fault, tell me that i’m all you want, even if i broke your heart.
just like teens again, wondering if the bond was strong enough to pass a barrier keeping them from friends to lovers, they pine and pine. the itch of wanting to hold each other close is at an all time high — it doesn’t help that they just kissed, lips still slightly swollen as cheeks are still slightly warm. the proximity of their shoulders, along with their hands too. toya may have just noticed it, but the realization is way too far from leading a hand at this moment.
toya was hiddled no matter how far you went into his life. he was ruined at such an early age. he’d just stumble on this street by luck, out of spite, but it changed his life having never belonged anywhere. he was loved as a friend, a teammate, a partner— soon, a lover. he feels like an idiot, so stupid and embarrassed. the partner he refused even when this street handed him at his lowest, sitting right beside him, he could only wonder how akito felt as he walk away, back facing him when it should've been his sparkling eyes gazing back at akito’s, saying everything akito wants to hear without opening his mouth.
snapping out of his thoughts, getting cut off as well, toya felt a brush of an arm on his neck, a force pulled him close. it feels familiar. a hand was on the top of his head. to his surprise, more comforting than he thought. he must’ve missed it. the hand rocked back and forth, his hair getting messier as the now dried up gel toya used earlier brittles apart. akito was ruffling his hair, just like old times.
toya then felt a pair of lightly pursed, chapped lips press against his temple. they probably look weird, or disgusting, or have gotten comments like ‘get a room’ from a passerby or something, but it’s okay.
“m’sorry if i went to far back there.”
maybe, just maybe, the raging fire of their past relationship still had a small flame, one that they easily looked over because it wasn’t as strong as before. maybe, just maybe, the string on their pinky fingers hadn’t broken off as they thought it did. maybe, just maybe, they both were each other’s heartworm. they both had heartworms haunting them for this long, and it was each other.
quiet as ever, the brush of voice tickled on toya’s ear, sending chills to his spine as something inside him just blew up. his cheeks feel warm, he could already tell. that…felt surreal. akito whispered again, “weird request after what i just said, but i wanna try again with you. what do you say, partner?”
toya nodded.
to toya, it was him, it was always him. it was always this ginger boy with a dumb yellow streak in his hair that somehow matched his look. with beautiful emerald eyes that always has this star-stuck gaze on a certain boy, needing glasses despite never wearing them. freckles he doesn’t deem so great as someone special does, hiding behind concealer every since high school, that fake ‘good boy’ persona he would show to people he just met (and once during this special moment as teens), the raging, fire-like determination for music, the boy who got impulsively got piercings, the boy who eats pancakes with a smile on his face while his partner drank a cup of black coffee. it was always that boy, shinonome akito.
that want to comfort him after his fights with his sister had always been there.
to akito, it was him. it was always him. it was always this two-toned blue haired boy with one half a lighter color and the other a darker one, out-grown since the last he saw him. with knife-sharp grey eyes that soften when the boy would show his biggest smile, with a beauty mark right under his left eye constantly reminding you this boy was borderline perfection, that soft, pale skin that seem spotless. the voice of an angel, a boy (who, let’s be honest, was basically stuck at the hip with him) wonders if you somehow made it to heaven every time he’d listen, that child-like wonder seeing new things he has yet to experience, the complementary blue to akito’s orange. it was always that boy, aoyagi toya.
that want to comfort him after his fights with his father had always been there.
akito had brought toya’s hand up, giving a kiss to each knuckle on toya’s hand like he was a prince, with that usually fake ‘good boy’ smile, but it looked…genuine. and so it stuck me, a lightning bolt through the heart like i never felt love before.