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Kadoc sighed as he was once again awoken to the sound of loud running and hushed conversations outside.
“Ahahahaha! I can’t wait for this! This is gonna be so awesome!”
“Shhh! You idiot! You’re so loud, you’ll ruin the surprise!”
Don’t worry, I’m sure the other side of the world heard you with how loud you guys already are!
He huffed and shoved the other half of his pillow over his head, smothering both ears.
It was barely seven in the morning and he was already sick of this day. Couldn’t these idiots just give him one peaceful day?
He debated slamming open the door and yelling at them to just shut the hell up for gods sake , but he was far too tired to even bother. That would take too much energy.
And I don’t have the guts to deal with whatever is behind the door.
With little vigor and a lack of confidence, Kadoc bit his lip and closed his eyes, hoping to gain some semblance of sleep. His thoughts trailed off, wishing he was in Russia, which was so quiet that it was almost empty. Scattered memories of that place took form; pianos, the frostbite, white, wolves, red… red… so much red…
He was so tired. So exhausted. It hurt. Everything hurt. Everything sucked. Red, red, red! God he hated it so much!
So much noise. Too much noise. Too quiet back at Russia. Too cold. It sucked. It all sucked.
Why were they making so much noise? Why was everyone chatting outside? Why was there so much running?
Footsteps… clamoring forward… that was what he heard… what she heard… what she heard when she was killed…
The thoughts he couldn’t piece together overwhelmed him, drowning him in sensations and feelings that he could not comprehend. His mind fuzzed over as he blacked out and lost his train of consciousness.
He awoke to a cold, black room- and he remembered the feeling this gave him.
Ah…am I back…?
He stretched his hand out and was met with a delicate warmth wrapping around it.
Ah….ah….this….ah…don’t let me go…
“Kadoc.” A distorted voice called out.
Ah… your voice… I can’t remember it anymore…
A blurred mop of white hair. White dress, blue… somewhere.
Ah….I can’t remember how you look…
“Kadoc-”
No… No I can’t…I can’t forget you… no, no, no…
The figure had no eyes.
Only a blurry smile.
He couldn’t decipher if it was because of his fading memory of the person or his tears.
The figure’s mouth was moving, but he heard none of it- only a shrill, ear-piercing hum that was like static. He couldn’t understand a thing. It felt like everything was crumbling, breaking away at the seams and leaving him in pieces.
Please! Make it stop! Please! Let me go! Let me go! I can’t! I can’t go back there! I-I-I-! I…!
As if fate took pity on him, he was released from that abyss and awoke in his bed in a cold sweat. He could hardly breathe, grasping at his chest and clawing at his shirt to regain himself.
God, what the hell was that? Why…why am I starting to lose her?
He turned to the side and saw the clock reflecting the time; 12:04.
He decided to take a shower to try and calm himself. The water was warm, yet it felt ice cold against his skin. He could see the steam rising up from shower head and shivered.
Kadoc’s thoughts idly went back to the nightmare he just had, and he began shaking vigorously. He couldn’t lose her. All he had was her memory, but he began to realize he couldn’t even rely on that. Sure, the major pieces were there, but the little things that made Anastasia, well, Anastasia , were slowly being forgotten. He could not remember the shape of the gold details on her dress, or even how her eyes looked. They were blue… but what shade? What shape? None could conjure up an image that looked exactly like her.
The thought terrified him, that one day, she would be completely removed from his mind, and he would go on. He would go on, forgetting the atrocious sins he committed against her, forgetting the pain, the sacrifice, the damage he had done. He would one day rest and that would be the last remaining thought of her he would ever have.
That was not right. That was not right at all. He promised himself he would never forget her- if only to punish himself for failing to fulfill her dream. He caused her death. He simultaneously brought her back and killed her- just like her people did.
He was no better than the monsters she wanted to kill. He was no better than them. And he feared all her retribution that he would absolutely deserve for daring to forget about her. He knew her, he knew her very well, and he knew even if she was a ghost she would make his life a living hell.
The current life he was living? Probably heaven compared to the utter damnation she would trap him in. That was his punishment, punishment for failing, killing her, then moving on. She was a weight on his mind that shackled him back to Russia, not allowing him to leave. He couldn’t leave, because he had no where else to go. He made sure of that when he eviscerated humanity. He always took the cowards way out, and now he had to deal with the results of his foolish actions.
He could apologize to her a million times, but he knew that would fall on deaf ears.
He quickly changed into some random clothes he had lying around before he fearfully got up and opened the door. He had to at least eat something before he inevitably would be dragged to hell.
As he looked out, he noticed Mash carrying a box full of… streamers? And party hats?
“Oh, Kadoc. Good afternoon,” she awkwardly greeted.
“Afternoon…” he mumbled back. Mash stood in the front of his door, seemingly debating with herself before she placed the box down on the floor. Her eyes carried a steeled resolve, and he knew she meant business right now.
“Kadoc, today is Ritsuka’s birthday. I am not asking this, I am telling you- please be on your best behavior. She may tolerate many things, but even I will not allow this day to be messed up.”
“Are you trying to invite me,” he glared, “Or are you just saying to stay away?”
“You are free to come, of course. This is a party for everyone. But I would like to exercise caution today.”
“Well, don’t worry, I wouldn’t be caught dead going to your dumb party anyways.”
“I-it’s not dumb!” Mash cried out, an offended look on her face.
“Why the hell would I wanna celebrate her of all people? You seem to think I give a shit about her- unlike you, my whole world does not revolve around her,” He responded, grinding his teeth in order to not spew out all the hatred he had for that woman.
“You should care because she was the one who wanted to save you! She put her life on the line to protect you from being kidnapped again! She was the one who suggested you only have the collar be allowed to roam free! She was the one who did all that! She worked so hard and all you have done since day one is put her down!”
“Good for her! I didn’t ask her to do any of that! Why is it MY business what she decided to do? Am I supposed to worship her? Kiss the ground she walks on? Mash, you may have grown, but you have forgotten what the world really is like.”
“No, I am just asking that you maybe take it a step back and be nicer. That’s it. You say I am obsessed, but who is the one who’s really obsessed? All you ever do is make comments about how she is nothing and that you could do better. You ever think about how she managed to do better? It’s because she offers a hand and lifts people up. Unlike you, who only knows how to drag people down and accept defeat before you even start.”
“Spare me the lecture, Mash. I already know what I am,” Kadoc bitterly trailed off.
“Kadoc…” Mash sighed, “I’m sorry. I spoke out of line. I just feel you were being unfair to her. I really would like to have you at the party, and I think Ritsuka would too. I know we’ve had issues-“
“Would you call this situation just some ‘issues’? This is beyond salvageable, for everyone here. I know you all really hate me, and you’re just there to gloat.”
“That’s not true at all. You’re in our care and we’d rather have you enjoy yourself than not at all. You’re not a prisoner- no one should be in Chaldea. That goes against what those of us here have made it.”
“You’re overly optimistic. No prisoners in Chaldea? Do you even remember what this place was like when we were there? Do you realize who ran it?”
“And that’s why I said ‘those of us here’. You haven’t seen us now… we have had over a year to connect and change. Everyone was helpful and kind, and everyone here is like family. You should see it for yourself. Then you can truly see how Chaldea has grown.”
He paused as Mash reached into the box and gave him a light blue rose corsage brooch.
“It’s a bit cheap since this was from a costume party but consider this your invitation. We’d love to have you. The party starts soon though, so you should get dressed up.”
“I don’t have any clothes-”
“Ah! So you are coming!” Mash smiled.
“I didn’t say that-!” Kadoc yelled, flushed red.
“Don’t worry! I know some people who can make you something-,” Mash ignored him, picking up the box and running off. She had a slight bounce in her step and Kadoc sighed as he realized he had basically agreed to go.
Well, it’s not like anyone will miss me if I don’t go. So there’s no issue if I stay in tonight.
He looked down at his hands and studied the rose brooch Mash gave him. It had a rather cheap feel, but given that it contained remnants of glitter on it, it was happily celebrated. The idea that something as useless as this cheap brooch had been worn proudly and even saved made him almost laugh.
Despite being a lowly magus, even he knew that status was all that allowed anyone in the world to continue. Hard work barely meant anything, especially since those born into privilege had the power to go with it. This was reflected in his own team- the best of the best, and yet he still managed to seem like the worst.
Yes, Mash was correct, because he had accepted so long ago he was hardly worth anything. He had already known his life would amount to nothing, and everything so far seemed to confirm that. He was not free- he was a prisoner. He would always be a prisoner, not just to Chaldea, but to life itself. He could not make his own choices. He would be thrust again and again into situation after situation, and still, someone would have to save his helpless self. Someone would have to carry him and protect him and die for him- and he would still never be able to shine. He was in the background, the side character for everyone else’s story. What would people like… them know about his struggles? What would they know? What would they know of having everything taken and ripped from you forcefully, made to be the fool time and time again?
As he crumbled the brooch in his hand, his door was slammed open and he yelped.
“H-hey, ever heard of-”
“Mr. Zemlupus, a pleasure (sort of) to assist you today in your wardrobes.” A male voice cut him off.
Did no one in this place know how to knock or NOT interrupt his sentences?
Without him getting a word in, three men walked in.
A man with long blonde hair- almost blue towards the ends- with a goatee, a man with spiky white hair, and a man with long black hair had carried in trunks and threw them on the ground.
“What are you guys-”
“I have to ask that you please stretch your hands and stay still so I can measure you.” The white haired man said.
“I don’t even-” Kadoc tried to retort, before the man quickly measured him and yelled some numbers to the blonde and black haired men.
“Mr. Zemlupus, I have created a concept you may like- does this appeal to you?” The black-haired man asked, showing off a sketch of him with a light gray tuxedo with black pants. There was a light blue jabot ruffle neck tie that was in the same shade as the brooch in hand, and he was shocked the man even saw it.
“Yeah it looks fine and-”
“Sir Vlad, I believe it is time for you to begin.” The black-haired man dryly ordered, handing the blonde man the sketch and measurements for Kadoc.
“Wait a minute, Vlad, like, Vlad the Impaler, Vlad?” Kadoc asked, eyes widening.
“In the flesh, err, spirit, I guess is the truth?” Vlad laughed.
“You… you got summoned here? And why are you even doing this?”
“Well, Mash asked us so politely, and since it is for a party tonight for our Master, all attendees should look the part, don’t you think?”
“Sure but why are you making my suit?”
“I’ll have you know, boy, I am quite the tailor! I even do little scapegoats too,” Vlad pulled out a small goat plush in giddy excitement, and Kadoc was taken aback.
“Uh, I-”
“Vlad, we are in a bit of a hurry. Sadly, I need to get back and cook for the banquet tonight. I know Fuji- Taiga- will try to eat everything in sight,” The white-haired man sighed before stepping out of the room.
“No worries! In fact, I’m almost done!”
“You can’t be serious-” Kadoc mumbled, yet sure enough, there was a full-fledged suit in front of him. Kadoc couldn’t even comprehend when Vlad not only managed to get the materials, but craft it all in such quick succession.
“This is missing some details. I’ll assist you with those, Vlad.” The black-haired man said, pulling out a box of ornate buttons and threads to add.
“This does look a bit plain, which does suit him quite well, unfortunately…” Vlad frowned and Kadoc stiffened.
“I’m right here, you know.”
“Oh I am aware, I just am wondering what could compliment you well. Paracelsus, what do you think?”
“I have to admit, I agree with your statement too. But there is no suit we cannot tailor, and no man we cannot heighten with our suit. What do you think of these,” Paracelsus held out two buttons towards Vlad and Vlad’s eyes lit up at the gold ones.
“Yes! These ones! They’ll pair off marvelously with the gradient.”
“Still, I feel…” Paracelsus looked at Kadoc before he yanked the rose brooch from his hand. “Perfect! This will make you look like a lovely gentleman.”
Kadoc stood, dumbfounded at all that had happened, before Paracelsus and Vlad presented him with a fine suit.
The suit had, like Vlad mentioned, a gradient pattern. The top part of the suit jacket was a very pale gray, with the bottom of the shirt becoming a darker gray. The pants suit was black, and the waistcoat was a dark gray that matched with the suit jacket. He was rather impressed by the quality, and he was amazed at how quickly they had created it.
“Please, do try it on,” Vlad grinned. With a bit of help from the two talented servants, Kadoc changed into the suit and stared at himself through the large mirror Paracelsus had brought in. He didn’t look too shabby. It was the first time in a while he had gotten so dressed up, and he had to admit… it was rather nice. It felt different than his stained band sweaters and t-shirts. He ran a hand through his gray hair and his mind wandered on how to fix it up.
Jeez, what am I thinking? Why the hell am I so worried about how I look?
He cringed at himself and stopped messing with his hair, before Vlad came up in front of him, brooch and the jabot neck tie in hand. Vlad quietly arranged the tie and brooch, before he stuffed a white handkerchief in Kadoc’s breast pocket. Seemingly satisfied with his creation, Vlad smoothed out Kadoc’s shoulders before patting them.
“What a difference! I hardly recognize you! You look somewhat alive now!”
“Gee, thanks,” Kadoc quipped.
Paracelsus had brought out a comb and some hair pins, and he attempted to brush Kadoc’s hair.
“Oh, dear. When was the last time you brushed it?”
“Kh….” Kadoc floundered, unable to give him a proper answer. It had admittedly been a while. A long while. He just… never felt the desire or energy to bother with that. There wasn’t a point anyways, since it’s not like anyone was going to see him.
Paracelsus nodded in a solemn manner before continuing, fixing Kadoc in full silence. He put a few hair pins to keep Kadoc’s bangs from covering his face. After he was finished, Vlad sprayed a small amount of cologne on him.
“That should be good, light enough to not make you smell old, but mature enough to be accepted into a party.”
Kadoc sniffed the air, and he nodded at the fragrance. He never did bother with cologne, mostly settling with a cheap body spray or just a shower. If he did shower.
Okay, maybe I could better with my grooming habits…Axe couldn’t cover this all up…
Paracelsus and Vlad hummed in agreement as Kadoc stared at himself.
Even though going to a party was the last thing he wanted to do, he felt like a million bucks. There was something about this suit that gave him a slight boost and made him feel slightly better about going. Even if he felt like shit, he’d look great doing it.
Okay, scratch that, he was not feeling better at all. This was a huge mistake. A terrible mistake. A ginormous, massive, mistake.
He tried to steady his hand with a glass of champagne as he glanced at the guests in attendance.
Some were Chaldean workers, but the majority of it was heroic spirits of all different shapes, sizes, and colors. It was almost terrifying how many were here. Some he had figured out from their earlier meetings, passing conversation, or subtle clues.
King Arthur ( holy cow, she was a woman) was in a lacy white dress, while Merlin stood beside her in a black and white pinstripe suit. She had a massive amount of food on her plate and Merlin was discussing something while swirling his champagne glass.
To his left, two men were quietly staring at each other while listening to conversation from someone else. One of the men had darker skin and dark hair, bright blue shirt underneath a white waistcoat. The man beside him looked to be his opposite, white hair, pale skin, and a black suit with a blinding red overcoat. The white haired man looked positively bored and searching the room for something, while the dark haired man proceeded to guzzle his drink before grabbing another one.
On the large stage in the center of this room, a band was performing some light jazz. He took a closer look and saw there was a man with white hair- similar to the one who had helped him with the suit- but not quite him playing the drums, a dark skinned man with lots of braids in his hair on the saxophone, and Billy the Kid on the keyboard.
Once he realized Billy was there, Kadoc covered his face and walked away from the stage to avoid having to confront him. There was some things he did not want to remember, and Billy was one of them.
As he walked away, he collided with someone, a resounding cry being let out by the figure.
Kadoc removed his hand from his face and was face-to-beak(?) with a masked Salieri, another figure he did not want to see.
“S-sorry,” Kadoc meekly responded, trying to get away.
“Pay more attention, the show is about to begin, sir. It would be unwise of you to ruin the celebration of the one most beloved.” Salieri stated, and Kadoc felt the hairs on his body stand on edge. It sounded like a threat, and before Kadoc could respond, Salieri had disappeared from his line of sight.
He knew what he did to the man. He knew exactly the torment and misery he put Salieri under in order to keep Ivan contained. The man was a hollow shell, only pretending to be Mozart after he made him do so. But it seemed like he was summoned here. He appeared less monstrous in nature, and more cleaned up. A fancy black suit and ornate black bird mask adorned his face.
He was loved here. And he in fact, learned to love back here.
Servants of monstrous strength and size behaved as if they belonged too, and he was engrossed in all their interactions.
He had never seen so many servants. Not to mention, servants that were… happy.
As a magus, he recognized them as tools- just as everyone else did. But despite their eccentric appearances, they looked and acted like humans. As if they were alive and still people.
Some drank too much and danced with one another. Others chatted over the dessert table. Some even were arm wrestling and showing off weapons or magic.
Even the Chaldea staff had gotten acquainted with them and were talking with them like old friends.
So… this is the new Chaldea…
He didn’t know what to think. All he knew was that none of it seemed real. Everything seemed to go against his preconceived notions of humanity and servants. The lessons he grew up on looked to be null here. It all just didn’t make sense. None of it did.
Nothing added up.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, may I have your attention please,” A voice cried out to the audience. The banquet hall was in hushed silence as Kadoc saw Mozart wrap the microphone’s cord on his fingers. “As well know, today is a special day to celebrate the one whose calls we had answered. The one who has faced many trials and tribulations, all with finesse and passion to rival that of the finest composers!”
“Oi, oi! Is that any way to introduce my manager?” A shrill voice yelled. A girl with bright pink hair, blue horns and an outrageous and poofy blue dress came onto the stage and snatched the microphone from his hand. Mozart looked offended and Kadoc sighed that a fight was going to happen. “Hey everyone! It’s your fave idol, Eli-chan! Can I please have the audience turn it up to give thanks to my manager? It’s because of their hard work I can entertain you! So go, you piglets! Cheer! Scream her name!”
The servants cheered and whooped, many chanting, “Ritsu~ka! Ritsu~ka!” Kadoc almost choked when he saw a sign of Ritsuka with the words “BEST GIRL 10/10” in large red print.
Who the hell would make something like that?
“I can’t hear you~! You guys have to get louder than that! Umu! Eli-chan, my co-star, do you think this is good enough?” A woman with blonde hair and a white dress and red sash strided up on stage.
“Even though I really despise sharing the stage with you, Nero, I totally agree! Let’s try this again, piggies. I want you louder than ever!”
“SCREAM FOR OUR MASTER’S BIRTHDAY!” The two girls yelled together, and the crowd went wild. Kadoc covered his ears as the cheers grew louder, before everything went dark. The hall was deadly silent again before he heard a pluck. A piano played alongside a violin, both creating a calming and serene melody, and a spotlight shone down onto a pair of figures.
Kadoc’s breath hitched in his throat as the light beamed on Mash and Ritsuka. Mash wore a dark purple off-the-shoulder dress that paired nicely with her hair.
But Ritsuka looked like a princess. She wore a white sleeveless choker dress, one that contained many sheer layers, lace detailing, and ruffles on the side. It had a light gradient from the white to a pale frosty blue. If he didn’t know her, he might have actually thought she was…cute.
But it was Ritsuka, and precisely because it was Ritsuka, he hated it. His eyes still were entranced as the two walked to the stage, elbows locked together as they whispered and giggled together. Ritsuka’s dress flowed behind her elegantly, and she appeared so regal.
He saw her in battle and casual wear before. Her attire now made her seem like a completely different person, one who looked the part of the savior of the world. She walked like she owned said world, and everything bowed to her.
Some would say that would make her a tyrant. Perhaps she was one.
But a graceful wave of her hand and a radiant smile to go with it made all those worries go away. She was loved for a different reason. Mash never smiled like that before, and even he wasn’t stupid enough to deny that it was because of Ritsuka she ended up like an actual human.
For the first time in a while, Chaldea seemed…warm. Cozy. Accepting. It was a completely different energy compared to when he joined, where it was mounting pressure after pressure. Instead, this felt like a family. The way these servants across many regions and histories came together to celebrate her existence, not out of duty, but of love, made him warm up to this new place.
It looks like Mash was right, yet again…this certainly is something you would never get to see.
Ritsuka stood at the center on stage, Mash parting with her arms and standing beside her like a bodyguard. Elizabeth and Nero hugged her, squealing and clapping excitedly.
They all seemed like best friends and it was a strange sight.
Ritsuka got the mic from them and began giving a speech, something Kadoc admittedly tuned out. He didn’t really care to hear her say some pleasantries and thanks.
A certain phrase caught his ear.
“… and through all the enemies we have faced, we’ve always come out on top,” Ritsuka said.
Kadoc nearly choked on his drink and sputtered as he tried to regain himself.
He felt his heart palpitate as he noticed some servants and staff whisper while looking at him.
God please stop looking at me. Please stop staring at me. Leave me alone!
The servants clapped and applauded as Ritsuka finished her speech. Sherlock Holmes went on stage and escorted her to a table that was full of gifts. She marveled at it but he couldn’t be bothered.
Of course she did this on purpose. This was a set up! She just did this to make fun of me and prove once again she was superior.
He didn’t know if he was shaking from anxiety or anger. Everything felt like he was boiling from the inside out, and he had to escape.
He grabbed another glass of champagne and swallowed it all in one gulp before pushing through a hoard of servants to get a chance to breathe. There was a door wide open, leading to a balcony. He hurriedly made a beeline to it and collided with the balcony railing.
The pumping of his heart must have been so loud that everyone inside could hear it, he was sure of it. He dry heaved over the edge of the railing, feeling the sickly sensation of his feelings rise up. He couldn’t breathe, it felt like drowning under a million pounds of pressure. Everyone was looking at him. Everyone hated him.
He could hardly catch his breath as his thoughts spiraled out of control.
Eyes, eyes, eyes, they’re all watching. They’re all watching me, they’re going to kill me!
Fuck appearance. Fuck decorum. He ripped off the tuxedo jacket and the fancy collar. He smashed the brooch under his foot and let out a muffled scream.
As he managed to steady himself against the railing without feeling like he would fall over, he took a look at the night sky. It was a full moon tonight.
The moon was large and glowing bright, brighter than any other star in the sky. Seeing it so large relaxed him slightly, and he sighed in exhaustion before running a hand through his hair.
He made a mistake coming here tonight.
I knew it, I knew it and yet I chose to come. Good job, you idiot, now look where you are. You’re just a joke to everyone in there.
As he threw more insults at himself, he heard some quiet sniffling that broke him from the silence. He glanced back, ready to argue when he came face to face with Ritsuka.
Even in the dark he noticed her eyes glistening, wet with tears as she covered her face from view.
“Oh, um, sorry, I’ll leave you be,” She mumbled before turning back.
“Why? So you can just go back to making fun of me? Why did you even come here?” He snapped.
“I… I just needed a bit of fresh air.”
“Whatever,” He spat, keeping his eyes on the moon as she walked to the other side of the balcony.
Her sniffling got louder and he tried to think of random song lyrics to ignore it. He didn’t wanna look at her. He didn’t wanna feel anything for her.
The air was chilly and he shivered a bit. For some reason, despite living in a harsh Russian winter, he got cold rather easily since he was taken here. Maybe he just got too used to having readily available heating that he forgot how it felt outside.
Every day… I am losing more of that place.
He awkwardly shifted on his feet when he looked at her struggling to contain her tears and catch her breath. She was shivering too, at least from what he could see as she rubbed his upper arms and bit her lip.
She looked pathetic and beaten down. Almost like he did before, where she offered him some help- even if both were at an impasse. He debated with himself before he picked up his tattered coat and wiped it off. He sighed at what he was doing but stepped closer to her, wrapping the jacket around her shoulders and handing her the white handkerchief Vlad gave him.
She gasped and turned towards him, but he stepped away before he could get a close look at her. Now there was that long distance between them again.
It was strange, this…relationship they had. It felt like one step forward, two steps back, always. Like one moment they could be civil but at another, they wished the other was gone.
But right now, she was in obvious distress, and he felt even shittier for trying to ignore it.
“Why are you crying out here? Shouldn’t you be back inside?” He asked.
“It’s a bit too much, haha,” she weakly laughed. “It just feels like… things are missing. I can’t fully enjoy this knowing so many of my friends and family are not here. I can’t even relax thanks to all the stuff going on. I appreciate the thought- and maybe it’s selfish of me- but I wish there were others here.”
It was his turn to be caught off guard. His eyes widened and he looked at her as she grimaced and held his coat closer against her.
“I miss them… I miss them so much.”
“Who do you miss?” he cursed himself for asking such a stupid question, but she didn’t seem to mind.
“My parents. My old friends. Romani. Da Vinci. I would have loved to have Patxi here too.” He looked down at his feet in order to avoid seeing her tears. “It’s not fair! This wasn’t supposed to happen!”
She broke down against the railing and wailed into the night.
“I just want them back! I just want them here with me again! It’s not the same without them- it hasn’t been the same without them. This is Chaldea but it doesn’t feel like it.”
Without thinking, he stepped closer to her and rested a hand on her shoulder. Almost instinctively, she pulled him into hug and buried her face in his chest. He straightened up and was about to push her away when she gripped his shirt tightly as she cried harder.
He lightly pat her back and held the back of her head in his hands.
He didn’t know what to say. What does one say in this situation anyways? Especially when you were the reason the ones she loved were killed?
He couldn’t undo that. She couldn’t undo what she did, either.
They were both trapped in this loneliness and endless grief. Trapped in a sense of longing, and of wishing for easier days and no more harsh nights. But that was then, and this is now.
“It’s okay…” he whispered.
“It’ll pass…” he mumbled.
“One day it won’t hurt anymore…” he heaved, and he felt his eyes heat up.
“And then the pain will stop…” he choked.
She looked up at him, silent, red-faced and tear-stricken.
“You’re crying too,” she pointed out.
“N-no-!” He pressed his fingers on his cheeks and felt the wetness from his tears.
“S-see?” She laughed, but she couldn’t stop crying. “I guess we’re both p-p-pretty messed up, huh?”
“Y-yeah…” He laughed back. The two held each other and sobbed, a broken mess of ramblings, curses, apologies, and dreams that would never come to fruition.
“I miss them…” she said as she let go of him and held onto the railing.
“I miss them too.” Kadoc replied. He missed the warmth from her already, and the comforting position of their hug.
“I need to stop crying about them. But it’s hard. It’s so damn hard. I know that things can’t be eternal but…”
“Why can’t they?” He asked.
“Because then that defeats the purpose. If something exists forever, then there’s no use trying or doing anything because it’ll just never change.”
“And why is that a bad thing? I wouldn’t want to actively hurt myself for people.” I already did. And it’s not fun.
“The reason why we love is because we fell in love with the idea that it will one day not exist. I might die. They might die. We both might die. But because there’s a chance for an end, we live it to the fullest.”
“But if there’s no chance for an end, wouldn’t that make you regret less? You can do over your mistakes as many times as you want and you both can remain. Why should we just set ourselves up to be in pain? People love because they want to feel less alone with themselves. No one already knows what they have until it’s gone.” He cynically remarked.
“Maybe,” she shrugged. “But I can’t keep holding onto them like I am right now. I’m not honoring their memory, I’m only dragging it down.”
“What? You’re allowed to grieve. Hell, I would understand if you locked yourself away for years.” He admitted. It’s probably what he would have done, if he was being honest. He was already part way from fulfilling that sentiment.
“Because, they told me to live. What good would it do if I just gave up? Romani died for humanity and me. Da Vinci died so we could escape that attack. If I just hid myself I would make their sacrifices mean nothing. They did their part so I could have a chance. Until the world is saved, I can not rest.”
“Must be nice to have a hero’s mentality. For the rest of us it means nothing.”
“Anastasia meant nothing?” She asked coldly.
“No… she meant…” Kadoc struggled to find the words, “she meant everything. I did that so she could live and fulfill her dream. Even though Wodime would probably get rid of us sooner or later- I didn’t care. I was ready to risk it all. And she took that away from me.”
He clenched the railing.
“I don’t fucking get people who just throw their lives away for others. What about the person left behind? Then what? You just left them alone. There’s nothing ‘heroic’ about dying!” He shouted.
“Some people are worth sacrificing for!” Ritsuka stomped her foot.
“No! No! No they are not! I am not worth dying for! I should’ve been the one to die- not her! And yet she was the one killed! Why wasn’t it me!? I had nothing left yet she risked it all for me!”
Ritsuka was stunned speechless. Kadoc panted and tried to calm himself. He was getting too worked up.
Before he could say anything, she hugged him again. This time, she stroked his back and held him.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were hurting that bad.”
“I…” he couldn’t speak. He couldn’t find the words to say to describe what he truly wanted to say for so long.
“I know. I know it hurts. I’m the one who hurt you. Just like you hurt me. But… you shouldn’t feel like you have to suffer alone. And you shouldn’t feel like you are nothing. Anastasia chose you for a reason. And I’m sure it was a good one, Kadoc. You shouldn’t give it up.”
“I am embarrassing her memory. I’m wasting everything she did. I have nothing left to give anywhere. Where am I even supposed to go now? I’m not like you, Ritsuka.”
“That’s for you to decide, Kadoc. Not for anyone else to. She gave you the chance to decide for yourself. You’re not tied to anyone right now, so you can choose whatever. Even if you wish to take revenge on me, I’ll allow it.”
“What? Revenge?”
“Yeah. You can try. Doesn’t mean it’ll happen easily. You’re free to choose and I’m free to respond. That’s the beauty of freedom. We can all choose to do what we wish.”
He paused and felt how soft her hands were on his back. It felt nice and soothing. He buried his head into the crook of her neck and shook his head.
“I don’t know what I feel yet. Maybe I’ll have an idea soon.”
“That’s fine. I’ll be waiting. When you decide we can go from there.”
“I can’t figure out if you’re an idiot or just too naive. What kind of person tells their enemy to kill them? Shouldn’t you be thinking of trying to kill me instead?”
“That would be a waste. I’m not a killer, Kadoc. And besides… we don’t have to be enemies. Not really. I kinda got snot all over your shirt and you didn’t say a thing. You’re not that bad a guy.”
He felt his cheeks heat up, this time for a different reason than earlier.
“I take it back, you are just that dumb.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment.” She giggled.
“And… thanks.”
“You’re welcome. I learned a lot about you too tonight. So thanks.”
“You’re welcome. I think you should head back inside. It is your birthday party, after all.”
“Yeah. Mash is probably worried sick about me.” Ritsuka wiped her eyes and fanned herself. “Are you coming back too?”
Kadoc mulled on it before he shook his head.
“I have some things I need to think about.” Ritsuka nodded back, a small smile adorned on her lips.
“Alright. Have a good night, Kadoc.” She waved. He waved back.
“Happy birthday, by the way.” He replied.
“Thanks! Oh, wait,” she ran back to him and was about to hand him the jacket when he shook his head. He pushed the jacket back to her.
“Keep it. I don’t need it.”
“But it’s yours, I can’t keep this.”
“You can keep it until I ask for it, that fair?” Kadoc compromised.
Ritsuka’s cheeks turned pink, and she nodded.
“Course. I’ll take good care of it.”
“Whatever you choose.”
With that, she returned into the banquet hall, dress fluttering behind her like a beautiful fairy. He couldn’t spot her figure anymore as she disappeared like a dream. He didn’t really know what to think of her anymore. So many contradictions came to mind, but he decided against thinking about them.
He had all the time to figure out where he wanted to go or what he wanted to do.
He looked up at the moon again.
She really had a way of making him feel so odd.