Work Text:
CCTV_ LV-7IPVP4-J
COMMON-ROOM_CAMERA_1
0600_HOURS
10/23/2009
[Transcription audio and video footage available in BASE 22, STORAGE-ROOM_58 in FILING-CABINET_4F. Hard drive titled CCTV COMMON-ROOM CAMERA_1 [08-2009]. Hail Hydra.]
[The HYDRA’S_MEMBER_DIRECTORY may be used to identify personnel.]
[COMMANDER RUMLOW and AGENT ROLLINS stand in the COMMON ROOM around the center table.]
COMMANDER RUMLOW: What the fuck.
AGENT ROLLINS: You’ve got to admit, it gives the place a bit of character.
COMMANDER RUMLOW: What the actual motherfucking fuck.
AGENT ROLLINS: At least it isn’t a cat. Cats are horrible.
COMMANDER RUMLOW: Who the hell did this? I’m gonna cut out the asshole’s fucking kidney.
AGENT ROLLINS: Most people have two kidneys.
COMMANDER RUMLOW: I know that.
[Silence: 6 seconds]
COMMANDER RUMLOW: What? I did know that. I was just checking to see if you knew.
AGENT ROLLINS: Whatever you say, Boss.
COMMANDER RUMLOW: Shut up.
[Befuddled silence: 13 seconds. AGENT ROLLINS removes a container labeled “Sitwell” from the refrigerator and puts it in the microwave for 2:00 minutes.]
COMMANDER RUMLOW: What’d he bring this time?
AGENT ROLLINS: Lasagna, looks like.
COMMANDER RUMLOW: How do you feel about trading it in for calamari?
AGENT ROLLINS: That’s squid.
COMMANDER RUMLOW: Whatever. Same thing.
AGENT ROLLINS: It’s really not.
[Microwave beeps. AGENT ROLLINS removes the container and begins to eat. COMMANDER RUMLOW takes a package from the refrigerator and unwraps it. It appears to be a bologna and swiss sandwich. COMMANDER RUMLOW begins to eat the sandwich.]
[Chewing noises: 39 seconds.]
[AGENT SITWELL and AGENT BATREI enter COMMON-ROOM.]
AGENT SITWELL: Oh God, it’s still here.
[Transcriber would like to note the distinct whining tone to AGENT SITWELL’s voice.]
AGENT BATREI: What the fuck is that.
AGENT ROLLINS: Hell if I know. It was there when we got here.
AGENT SITWELL: Is that my lasagna!?
COMMANDER RUMLOW: Yup.
AGENT SITWELL: This is a violation of the Hydra Code of Conduct! I’m reporting this to HR!
AGENT ROLLINS: Go ahead, Miller owes me a favor anyway.
AGENT SITWELL: Fuck you!
COMMANDER RUMLOW: Forget the lasagna. What’s up with the squid?
AGENT BATREI: That’s an octopus.
COMMANDER RUMLOW: Whatever.
AGENT SITWELL: It appeared here yesterday. Rumor is it was Pierce.
AGENT ROLLINS: Why would Pierce put an octopus in the common room?
COMMANDER RUMLOW: Why does Pierce do anything?
AGENT BATREI: Maybe it was the Asset.
[COMMANDER RUMLOW makes a scoffing noise, supposedly in derision, as this seems to be his default.]
AGENT ROLLINS: Yeah, right. The Asset doesn’t do anything without permission. Probably doesn’t even know what an octopus is.
COMMANDER RUMOW: Well-
AGENT ROLLINS: Seriously?
COMMANDER RUMLOW: Gotta foster company loyalty.
[Silence: 16 seconds.]
COMMANDER RUMLOW: It wasn’t like they were real octopuses.
AGENT ROLLINS: Octopi.
COMMANDER RUMLOW: Whatever.
AGENT SITWELL: It couldn’t have been the Asset. It’s been on assignment all week.
AGENT BATREI: Fine, so it wasn’t the Asset.
AGENT ROLLINS: What do they even feed it?
AGENT BATREI: The Asset?
AGENT ROLLINS: The octopus.
COMMANDER RUMLOW: Nosy Hydra agents who ask too many questions, probably.
[AGENT ROLLINS laughs. AGENT SITWELL’S expression seems to be one of great displeasure.]
[AGENT JOHNSON, SECRETARY PIERCE, and {REDACTED} enter COMMON-ROOM.]
COMMANDER RUMLOW: Sir.
AGENT JOHNSON: Agent.
COMMANDER RUMLOW: Wasn’t talking to you.
SECRETARY PIERCE: Gentlemen, please.
COMMANDER RUMLOW and AGENT JOHNSON [simultaneously]: Sorry, sir.
[SECRETARY PIERCE smiles benevolently.]
SECRETARY PIERCE: I see you’ve met our newest recruit.
[{REDACTED} approaches the center table. AGENT BATREI takes several steps backwards. {REDACTED} stoops to peer into the aquarium.]
AGENT SITWELL: Sir?
SECRETARY PIERCE: The octopus, of course.
AGENT ROLLINS [quietly]: Of course.
SECRETARY PIERCE: I thought we could use some moral support, considering how we’ve been slacking lately.
[AGENT JOHNSON’S complexion goes several shades paler. {REDACTED} recedes to the darkest corner of the room and stands ominously.]
COMMANDER RUMLOW: So it’s a mascot?
SECRETARY PIERCE [staring at AGENT JOHNSON]: Of sorts.
AGENT BATREI: I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but the mascot’s gone.
AGENT ROLLINS [studying the aquarium]: Fuck.
[SECRETARY PIERCE taps his phone screen, unbothered.]
SECRETARY PIERCE: Better find it, then.
[AGENT JOHNSON searches the floor on his hands and knees. AGENT ROLLINS and COMMANDER RUMLOW walk around aimlessly pretending to search. AGENT BATREI stays where she is and opens a yogurt. AGENT SITWELL leaves the room, rambling about paperwork.]
AGENT JOHNSON [muttering]: Fuck fuck fuck.
[Searching continues: 4 minutes and 52 seconds.]
[{REDACTED} comes out of its corner and approaches SECRETARY PIERCE.]
{REDACTED}: I have it.
SECRETARY PIERCE: Hmm?
{REDACTED}: The cephalopod. I have it.
AGENT ROLLINS: [stifles his laughter]
COMMANDER RUMLOW [quietly]: Fucking hell, Winnie.
[{REDACTED} extends its right hand forward. The OCTOPUS is seated in its palm, tentacles wrapped around its fingers. {REDACTED} strokes it gently with its left forefinger. The OCTOPUS waves a tentacle.]
SECRETARY PIERCE: I see.
{REDACTED}: The cell was open. It wasn’t disobeying orders. Sir.
[AGENT ROLLINS wheezes and bends over. COMMANDER RUMLOW laughs.]
SECRETARY PIERCE: That’s quite alright. Why don’t you put it back, now.
[AGENT BATREI finishes her yogurt, throws the empty container away, and leaves the room, visibly rolling her eyes on her way out.]
[{REDACTED} approaches the aquarium and coaxes the OCTOPUS off of his hand and into the enclosure. {REDACTED} secures the enclosure.]
SECRETARY PIERCE: Well, then. Back to work, gentlemen. Agent Johnson, I’d like to speak with you in my office.
[AGENT JOHNSON’S complexion becomes nearly translucent.]
AGENT JOHNSON: Yes, sir.
[SECRETARY PIERCE leaves the COMMON-ROOM, followed by {REDACTED} and AGENT JOHNSON.]
[COMMANDER RUMLOW finishes his sandwich.]
AGENT ROLLINS: We should go to the firing range. Loser does all the paperwork for the Odessa mission.
COMMANDER RUMLOW: Fine.
[COMMANDER RUMLOW and AGENT ROLLINS leave COMMON-ROOM.]
[The OCTOPUS unlocks the enclosure and climbs out.]
[END OF TRANSCRIPTION]
{TIME: 0957, 08/23/2009}
[See other files for further transcriptions.]
[HAIL HYDRA.]