Work Text:
It’s not that they hadn’t been expecting the world to have changed—no.
It’s just that they weren’t expecting...
This.
It’s Dave who notices first. Well, Dave's pretty sure everyone notices the weird shit on the money, but who the fuck even cares about cut up snake shit (??) on the money.
It’s him who notices it first.
They’ve been back home for two days when he accidentally zooms out too far on his Google map―
“What the fuck happened to Florida?”
(Then he zooms out a little further and has himself a good―)
( “And what the fuck happened to Russia?”)
Well boys and girls, Dave says to a memo he has very cleverly named mother fuck, It looks like we’re not in Kansas anymore.
turntechGodhead [TG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board mother fuck.
TG: well boys and girls
TG: it looks like we’re not in kansas anymore
tentacleTherapist [TT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
TT: Wouldn’t that be Roxy Fuck, Dave?
TT: I know you’re still working through your Oedipal urges, Dave, but this is really getting to be a bit much.
TT: She is alive again, I’ll have you know, and no longer age-appropriate so we really need to move you through this phase as quickly as possible.
TG has changed name of board to roxy fuck.
TG: yes
TG: you got me rose
TG: i created this memo exclusively to talk about my deep abiding desire to bone our sexy mom
TG: *shared
TG: and not at all because i had anything important i wanted to say
TT: I knew it.
TT: Let’s talk about your oedipal urges, Dave.
TT: Tell me about your dreams, Dave.
TT: I’m here for you, Dave.
TG: i can feel your saliva dripping on the keyboard rose and its making it hard for me to focus on this raging boner i have for our mom
ghostlyTrickster [GT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
GT: oh my god, you guys.
TG: dont judge me god john
TG: havent you learned not to kink shame yet
TG: in this new world havent you heard that kinkshaming is a crime punishable by being forced to watch the sound of music ten times in a row
TT: You’re not helping with healing process, John.
TT: We were actually starting to get somewhere.
TG: also why the hell are you still using your lame old pester handle
TG: change that shit its lame
GT: no.
GT: i missed it, and now i have it back.
gardenGnostic [GG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
GG: yeah!!
GG: don’t give in to those meanies john :)
TT: I would like to mention that I actually made no comment on how lame or not lame John’s pesterchum handle may or may not be.
GG: i like your old pesterchum handle
GG: well i guess its your new pesterchum handle now :)
GT: look, jade appreciates me
GG: and all our handles are nucleotides again!!
GG: :)
TG: yeah okay so i dont actually care about that
GG: wow rude
GT: yeah, dave, rude
TT: God, Dave, look at what your Oedipal complex is doing to your friends.
TG: first fuck you
TG: second also fuck you
TG: third instead lets talk about florida
TG: also known as americas semi erect penis
TG: americas drooping crotch-dachund
TG: americas 92% all beef thermometer
TG: americas 21st digit
TG: the eternal proof america cant quite get it up
GT: gross
TG: the real reason viagra was invented
GT: super gross
TT: Would that make Texas America’s ballsack?
TG: yes
TG: it absolutely fucking would
TG: texas is americas fucking ballsack and texans are americas white ass fucking sperm
TG: just you wait when we finally kill osama bin laden were all just gonna get jizzed out all over the fucking atlantic ocean
TG: were just all gonna go flying all the way to the most ivory of coasts
TG: dippin and divin through the fuckin waves like a pod of fucking sperm dolphins
TG: people are gonna be like
TG: wow thats some beautiful fuckin synchronized swimming
TG: are those dolphins
TG: are they america fuckin mens synchronized swimming team
TG: but no theyre just sperm-texans
TG: spermexans
TG: sprayed beautifully across the atlantic ocean
TT: You seem to be taking great pleasure in imagining yourself as a sperm, Dave.
TT: Let’s talk about that.
TG: fuck no
TG: dont distract me with your psychobabble rose
TG: we got some real shit goin down here
TG: question 1
TG: has anyone noticed how theres now a fucking sliced up snake on our money
TG: like perhaps sliced into eight pieces like the motherfucking eight spokes of the Dharmachakra
TG: and perhaps like the eight fucking days of hanaukkah
TG: can we get a jewish hallelujah up in here
GT: um, i hate to break this to you, dave
GT: but its totally ten pieces
TG: fuck that shit it should be eight
TG: fuckers have no respect for history
GG: wait the money looks different now??
TG: fuck yeah the money looks different harley
TG: have you not seen any money on hell murder island since you been back
TG: its like fucking monopoly money
TG: i literally thought bro had ironically stuffed my wallet full of monopoly money when i got back
GG: :(
GG: i dont need money on our island dave!!
GG: also thats really sad
TG: no man it would have been totally hilarious
TG: anyways theres also the diamond but diamonds are boring as shit unless theyre literally drenched in the blood of the south africans that dug them up
TG: theres also apparently a fucking three dollar bill because what this country really needed was a fucking three dollar bill way to go carter
TG: i havent checked yet but i fucking know this is carters fault
TG: theres also the fucking coins which have a chick i aint never seen before on them but i didnt bother to look that up because psh why the fuck would i these fuckers cant even fucking cut snakes into the right number of pieces
TT: You seem really offended by the snake thing, Dave.
TT: Do I sense a hint of exorciation disorder?
TG: thats because its fucking wrong
TG: it should be either eight or fucking thirteen but no its fucking ten
TG: i am offended rose
GT: i looked up the women on the money!!
GT: it turns out she’s the urban legend and no one’s really sure if she existed, but she’s shown up several times throughout american history!
GT: and she’s never changed, which makes people think she’s not real.
TG: no one cares egbert
TG: also rose do you even fucking know what exorciation disorder means
TG: i just looked that shit up
TG: in the dsm iv tr i have right here because i leave that shit under my pillow
TG: and its telling me exorciation has fucking nothing to do with being offended by fucking bullshit historical inaccuracies
GG: whats the deal with the number of pieces in the snake dave?
GG: im interested :)
GG: and also i dont think you pick at your skin compulsively because of tension anxiety or stress dave :)
GG: i looked it up too ;)
TG: im so fucking glad you asked harley
TG: once upon a time when the united states was still englands ceremonial fucking penis cozy
GT: gross
TG: there was this dude named benjamin who thought that maybe the us was totally bigger than england so maybe england should be americas fucking penis cozy
TG: so he drew himself a political fucking cartoon to show the man that the colonies need to fucking rise up
TG: and in that political cartoon he drew a snake cut into eight pieces
TG: one for south carolina north carolina virginia maryland pennsylvania new jersey new york and new england
TG: and he titled that shit join or die
TG: he left out georgia because who fucking cares about georgia and he stuffed all the new england states into one because who the fuck can even tell the difference between them
TG: thats why that snake should be in eight fucking pieces or thirteen if you were feeling super pedantic but ten is just factually incorrect
TT: So Dave, in the full set of Encyclopædia Britannica I happened to have lying next to my bed, it says that Benjamin Franklin actually drew the cartoon for the French and Indian war, and it was only later re-appropriated to the American Revolution
TG: first fuck you the encyclopedia britannica doesnt have a fucking article join or die you looked that shit up on wikipedia dont bullshit me
TG: second he was totally fucking thinking about the american revolution that dude was a fucking revolutionary
TT: Actually, it says here in my copy of Encyclopædia Britannica that definitely has an article on Join, or Die (perhaps your copy is defective?) that he opposed the new use of the cartoon, instead preferring a rather delightful cartoon of a britannia depicted as a woman with all of her limbs chopped off.
TT: At the time, it appears he was actually still against the war, and was still working to alleviate tensions between England and the colonies.
TG: my copy of enyclopedia britannica is a fucking work of art
TG: it has been ironically annotated with puppet dong and ironic comments filled with irony which only true masters of irony can appreciate
GG: irony irony irony :)
TG: fuck yeah exactly harley
GG: not to distract you two from your sibling bonding but what did you want to tell us about dave?
GG: i feel like we’ve only got one question so far ;)
TG: oh right rose stop distracting me with your dirty lies
TG: question 2
TG: john have you checked your address
GT: huh?
GT: no, why would i?
TG: of course you fucking havent why would i even ask such a stupid question
TG: well your state is called columbia now
TG: which i imagine columbia state university in tennessee isnt really that happy about but who even cares about tennessee
TG: congrats
TG: how about you rose
TT: Rainbow Falls, Empire State
TT: Which is fitting for someone such as myself.
TT: What about you, Dave?
TG: were still motherfuckin texas nothing could fucking change that shit
TG: question 3
TT: I’m pretty sure that’s your fourth question, Dave.
TG: fuck you rose
TG: has anyone looked at fucking world map since we got back
TG: say because the name of your fucking state changed its name
TG: i have a fucking excuse because not a god damn thing in texas has changed but the money
TT: Can’t say I have, Dave.
TT: My life has just been too busy with having a loving parent.
TT: You know how that is, right Dave?
GG: i have!
GG: just now!
GG: it looks fine to me :)
TG: harley
TG: jade
TG: have you ever looked at a world map before in your life
GG: nope who needs world maps?
GG: i have everything i need on this island!
GG: except you guys of course
GG: woof
GG: :)
TG: jade did you just woof
TG: jade youre not supposed to woof anymore
TG: jade why are you typing woof
GT: what the fuck happened to florida dave?
GT: dave
GT: what
GT: WHAT
GT: WHAT THE FUCK DAVE
TT: Although I can’t really condone John’s harsh language, I have to admit some curiosity to what happened to Florida.
TG: instead of answering that question lets play a game called zoom a little further out
TG: maybe take a nice step back
TG: turn the earth a little
TG: show it a good time
GG: whats a florida :)
TG: nothing anymore
TT: Dave, I have to admit I’m a little worried.
TT: This is a bit bigger of a difference that I was expecting.
GG: whats wrong?
TG: basically
TG: in order of what the literal fuck to what the figurative fuck
TG: russias got a bigass hole in it
TG: indias been cut in two
TG: floridas gone
TG: south americas boobs are droopy
TG: africas chest is flat
TG: thailand is mostly gone
TG: japan is both a single island and is connected to russia
TG: theres some weirdass islands in the middle of the atlantic
TG: something really weirds happening in australia
TG: the panama canals a strait
TG: the great lakes are now basically just the great lake
TG: and oh yeah
TG: iceland doesn’t exist
GT: wow, you seem to know a lot about geography, dave.
GT: could it be that you’re a neeeeeeerd?
GG: oh how fun!
GG: this sounds exciting :)
GG: lets go on an adventure
TG: egbert no youre just an ignorant shit
TG: harley no
GG: i think we should go on an adventure dave
TG: harleyafsd;ka’
TG: dave and i are going on an adventure now!
TG: john you should go and fetch rose and we can adventure together
TG: she would probably try and be super boring and stay at home with her wizard fanfic
TG: so you should go get her so we can have an adventure
TG: woof
TG: :)
TG closed memo roxy fuck.