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I love you.
The words had slipped out, a mere accident that has his hands shaking, his eyes not leaving Dean’s uncertain form, and the urge to force him asleep (perhaps erase the moment from his mind completely) tilts forward but he can't, he won't.
They stare at each other, the cold, musty motel room suffocating Castiel more than he would wish to admit, he blames Jimmy despite the man being long gone, he blames his father despite the deafening silence whenever he tries to reach out, he wants to blame something, anything.
Castiel is too scared to look away, too scared to disappear, too scared to find somewhere to hide, too angered at cupid for setting up John and Mary, too angered at fate pulling them together, too angered that Castiel is the one to become attached to a human.
If Gabriel could see him now he would laugh, the incessant jokes already playing in his mind, silly Cassie, always so clumsy, always so stupid when it comes to throwing grapes into baskets — Castiel never understood what that comment meant — silly Cassie, who knew you would be the one falling for one of fathers creations?
Castiel’s train of thought is interrupted by Dean’s heartbeat, the unsettling steady beat ringing throughout the motel. Cas wonders if this is what it truly means to be human, the closest thing he can get to being human: feeling stupid for speaking without thinking perhaps even feeling without thinking.
“Please,” Castiel tries, his brows pulling together as he tries to muster every ounce of will to continue, “say something,” he finally entreats after a moment.
Dean shakes his head and their eye contact is finally broken as he lowers his head, “what do you want me to say Cas?” he breathes out, as if he were holding his breath this whole time. Maybe he was.
“ Anything ,” the angel pleads.
“Why couldn't you have possessed a woman?”
“What?”
“ Half the population and you choose him .”
Castiel watches as Dean lifts his head, a smile on his face, a sad smile Cas notes, “what?” he repeats somewhat dumbly.
“Do you want me to say it back?”
Castiel feels as if this is some cruel joke, that Dean will warp into Gabriel at any moment to laugh in his face, but even that is too cruel for his brother. He's silent, thinking of something to say. If he says yes, would Dean say it back? Would this all be over and they can go back to being the way they were? What if he says no? Would Dean seem upset that Cas changed his mind? Relieved?
“I don't… I don't know?” Castiel’s eyes search Dean's face for something, anything.
“I'm sorry Cas.”
He doesn't understand, why is Dean sorry? Sorry he can't say it back? “Do you think you ever will?”
Dean opens his mouth, a pause, before closing it once more. He doesn't know.
Castiel drops his head, letting his eyes dance over the tacky design on the carpet, “okay,” is all he can say before Sam is back from wherever he was, calling Samuel or simply getting a soda Cas doesn't care enough to check.
Castiel brings his eyes up to meet Sams who seems weary of the energy in the room, he offers Cas a sympathetic look, something that reads you okay? And Cas wonders if he fell for the wrong Winchester.