Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ponyboy never meant for this to happen, it’s not like he woke up that morning knowing this would occur. It was all a surprise, to him and to everyone who cared about him.

But something told him that he could have stopped this from happening to him, it seemed like he could have avoided it, but was too deep in his thoughts to do anything. It was just like Darry said, he was in his head too much.

Even as he looked down at his side where a 4 inch blade stuck out, leaving red, dark liquid to flow out, he just wasn’t sure how he came to this. What was he doing five minutes before this happened? He couldn’t remember. But all he could think now, was if he would be able to say bye to his family.

...
A few hours before...

“Pony, take a jacket, will ya? It’s gonna get cold.” Darry requested, drying a pot before putting it in a cupboard.

Ponyboy looked at his jacket, and reluctantly grabbed it. He didn’t want the extra layers, but he knew he had to listen to Darry.

He was about to run to the store for more cigarettes, but only after him and Johnny went to a movie. It was a nice day to just unravel and watch something at the movies. He persuaded Johnny to come with him, too. So he was excited.

It was beginning to rain before Ponyboy left, so he tried not to look at Darry or he would say, ‘I told you so’ or something like that.

“Bye, Pone.” Darry waved as Soda poked his head around the corner to wave off his little brother.

“Bye , Pony!”

“See ya, guys.” Ponyboy replied before shutting the door and walking to Johnny’s house, where he found him a few blocks away from where he was supposed to be.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to stay there.” Johnny trudged over to his friend.

“Oh, that’s okay. Come on.” The younger greaser said to Johnny and the both of them started walking towards the movies.

They spent a while there, finishing the movie and getting something to eat before heading back to their neighborhood.

Johnny had a bad feeling about this, and thought it meant that he shouldn’t go home tonight, so he decided to fall asleep in the lot.

“You Sure? You can come over to my house. I’m sure Dar wouldn’t care.” Ponyboy asked, hoping that Johnny would accept, because he didn’t want him to just sit here in the rain, but Johnny shook his head.

“Nah, I’m good here. But if it gets too cold, I’ll drop by.”

“Okay. Don’t get sick, Johnny Cade.” Pony stuck his hands in his pockets and started for his house. He only made it a few houses before he was jumped.

...
It felt weird. The knife. It was a foreign object and it wasn’t supposed to be in his side, but he couldn’t do much to stop it from entering him.

It plunged in him with such force, that Ponyboy was suddenly glad he was on the ground, or he would have fallen back.

And with that, the two Socs that had done this to him fled the scene. They had smelt of alcohol and Ponyboy just knew they were beyond drunk. Not even Two-bit had ever smelt that drunk.

He gaped down at the wound, the adrenaline shielding most of the pain as he jumped to his feet and looked around through his blurry vision for his house. He was so close.

He pulled himself across the street to his house, his hand coming to rest on his fence when his adrenaline suddenly depleted as he relaxed because he made it home. And then the pain rose.

He sucked in a large amount of air, wincing at the sudden pain. It burned and he didn’t even have the energy to keep in his yelp of agony that escaped. He didn’t care, he just wanted to get inside. He slouched, finding it less painful than if he were to stand straight up. The huge knot in his stomach was keeping him from straightening even the slightest bit, otherwise he would have been screaming.

The stairs felt like he was climbing Mt. Everest, and he felt like he was holding his breath the entire climb up.

The doorknob was like the reward and he twisted it, entering his warm house.

His body finally gave in, and the last thing he saw before collapsing in his pool of blood was Soda’s look of fear.

And It was then that Ponyboy realized, he forgot to get cigarettes.

...
His side was still achy, but he didn’t feel any intruding object in his body anymore. His eyes fluttered open as he tried to place where on earth he was. He didn’t recall ever having such bright lights in his house.

“Pony? Oh god. You scared us.” Soda signed in relief next to him, and Ponyboy noticed his presence for the first time.

“What happened?” His voice didn’t sound like his own, it was too raspy. Too weak. He almost thought he was in a dream because everything seemed odd to him.

“You got stabbed, by a Soc. Do you remember what he looked like?” Darry said, vengeance obviously at the top of his mind.

Ponyboy hardly remembered his own name, and his brother wanted him to remember what happened before he woke up? That felt like an eternity ago.

But he tried to think, for Darry. “No. It was too dark.”

“We’re just glad you’re okay.” Soda smiled lightly at his kid brother, who lifted his sides of his mouth in a weak grin.

Johnny entered the room, his hair soaking wet from the rain. “Are you okay?” He asked softly, his voice so small that Ponyboy hardly heard it.

“Yeah.” Pony flicked his green eyes in his friend’s direction and earned a smile when he weakly remarked, “You better not get sick.”

Chapter Text

“Here, Pony, your homework. Make sure you give that to your teacher, hey?” Darry requested, handing his brother his papers.

Ponyboy grabbed them, finding it odd that he was unable to picture himself at school. He wanted to ask Darry if he could stay home, given the way he felt. He felt nauseous and he wasn’t sure if he could make it through a whole day at school. But he also didn’t want to bug Darry. So he decided to just not say anything about it. “Okay. Thanks.”

“See you after school, buddy.” Darry said, lightly brushing a hand through Pony’s thick hair and sending him on his way.

He started walking towards the bus stop, his mind focused on keeping himself from throwing up. He could do this. It wasn’t that hard, right?

All day, Ponyboy was focused on keeping himself composed and not barfing.

It wasn’t easy, he had two things to do, listen to what the teachers were saying and keep himself together. He could only do one, so he got in trouble a few times, for the teachers assumed he was daydreaming again.

It was annoying, but Ponyboy didn’t argue, figuring it was best to just keep his mouth shut and muscle through the day.

He didn’t even eat lunch, and he found himself grateful that he didn’t have track practice, unlike all those other days where he would be mad if he didn’t have track.

He just wanted to sleep.

Finally, after what felt like years, he left his last period of the day and headed out to the buses. Very slowly, though. The fear of the barf slipping out was getting to him, although he didn’t exactly feel like he was going to barf, just nauseous, but the puke feeling hadn’t gone away all day, but it wasn’t as bad as it was.

He sat down in the bus and clutched his bag to his stomach, leaning his head against the window and hoping he would make it home without causing a scene.

He kept his eyes closed during most of the ride, feeling lightheaded all of a sudden and regretting not drinking water all day.

But, water wasn’t exactly the first thing you would think about when you feel sick to your stomach.

When his stop came up, he felt like he was walking slower than ever. Too slow. And he felt like all eyes were on him, so his anxiety started to climb and he got out of that yellow vehicle as fast as he possibly could, stumbling out into the dirt road.

His head was pounding at this point, and Ponyboy just wasn’t sure what was happening to him, and his first thought was a nap would do him some good.

And he couldn’t get to his bed fast enough for his liking, it felt like it took forever, even longer than the day at school. And then he remembered that during all of his hastle with the whole ‘keep the vomit under’ situation, he forgot to give his homework to his teacher. Darry was going to get mad at him.

He walked in, finding Two-bit in the living room, watching his Mickey Mouse shows.

“Hey there, buddy.” The greaser greeted Ponyboy.

Talking didn’t seem comfortable to Pony right now, so all he did was a small head nod and headed straight for his room.

His bed looked so welcoming.

He didn’t realize just how long he was asleep until he looked at the clock. He had been asleep for three hours. How come no one woke him? Then he heard light breathing and looked over to find Soda right next to him. He looked as peaceful as ever.

Ponyboy rubbed his eyes as he sat up, and was glad to find that his head wasn’t exactly pounding anymore. It felt a little better than earlier. He assumed the Aspirin he took before falling asleep was to thank for that.

He smelt chicken suddenly, and realized Darry was cooking in the kitchen. And then, he noticed that there was light chatter coming from the living area. Was the gang here?

Groaning, he got up quietly, trying to let Soda sleep a little longer, and headed out to see what was happening out there.

But then he was hit with a wave of lightheadedness. He pressed a hand to his forehead, his vision suddenly blackened and he pressed his free hand against the wall to keep himself from falling.

Confused, he looked around, wondering if he almost did what he thought he almost did.

Fainting? Seriously? He rolled his eyes, and told himself it was nothing. And he believed him, and everything was normal. Or so he thought.

At dinner, Ponyboy felt his nauseous feeling start to make a comeback. But he really didn’t want his brothers or any of the gang to notice, so he tried his hardest to keep it a secret while all of them chatted like they were in a bar.

“And then I swung, knocking out that damn Soc’s tooth like it was a kid’s, and he ran. He and his friends took off. I haven’t seen ‘em since.” Dally shrugged it off, and took a sip of his drink.

Ponyboy focused on his story, finding it to help, but as soon as Dally stopped talking, the pounding to his head returned in waves, and he squeezed his eyes shut, trying to press the dizziness down like his nausea. The gangs chatter started to sound distant, almost as if they were underwater.

“Pony?”

He shook his head in a panic, looking for who was talking to him. The gang was still talking, and he looked to his right to see Johnny looking at him with his round eyes, which were filled with concern.

“Yeah?” Pony tried, hoping he didn’t show too much of how he felt. He didn’t want to have the gang all over him. Not right now.

“You okay?” Johnny asked quietly, so that the only one who heard him was Ponyboy.

But, despite his efforts to fight the next wave of dizziness, he stood up, hoping that would help which didn’t. And he felt himself fall into a slumber. “N-no-“ he managed to whisper as he felt himself start to fall.

Chapter Text

The rumble took place in rainy weather, making the ground not so easy to get traction, or to keep yourself up off the mud, but it would have to do.

Ponyboy slipped a few times while fighting a smaller Soc with Johnny, but otherwise, he was able to keep himself up.

He launched himself onto the Soc, taking him down-surprising both him and the two greasers-and he and Johnny both started wailing on the man.

But they underestimated this “small” Soc, and he jumped to his feet, causing Ponyboy to loose his balance and go tumbling back into the mud. Johnny had a tight enough grip on the Soc’s jacket, that he didn’t.

Soda and Darry were both fighting two large men, definitely football players or something, and Soda was thrown back and pinned against a tree, a small whine of pain escaping his lips, but nothing more. Steve made sure to free his buddy, though.

Ponyboy quickly got to his feet, about to get back to Johnny’s aid when the Soc startled him by tossing Johnny off and back into a rock, knocking the small greaser out.

“Johnny!” Ponyboy shouted, but his voice sounded small compared to the overall noise of the rumble.

Enfuriated, Pony charged at the enemy, and tried to land a few punches, when the Soc grabbed his wrist, jerked his arm behind him, and shoved his already-wet head into a puddle of muddy water.

The first thought that crossed Ponyboy’s mind was, isn’t this cheating? As more and more dirt seemed to cake onto his clothing and hair, his air began to deplete. But this Soc was stronger than he looked, and Ponyboy was trapped.

Dally threw his elbow back into a brute’s face, knocking that bastard clean out as he thrust his fist into another’s.

He knocked two Socs out in a manner of seconds, that is probably some kind of record.

He grinned to himself, as he turned and that smile quickly fell as he saw Johnny against a rock. Unconscious.

Dally suddenly felt fear, and he didn’t like it. Adrenaline pumped through him as he sprinted to the hurt greaser, taking out anyone who got in his way. He finally got to his friend, and knelt beside him, worry creased onto his forehead. “Johnny? C’mon, man. Wake up.” He looked up, and saw a man over another, one’s face was in a puddle, while the other wasn’t letting him up. Dally was pretty sure that was cheating, not that he cared about rules, but he wasn’t sure that he was going to let it happen. And that was when he recognized the jacket the one who had his face in the mud was wearing.

Ponyboy.

Suddenly, a new anger filled him and he left Johnny momentarily to tackle the offender down and off of Pony. He threw his fist into the mans already bloodied face a few times before his eyes rolled back and he was no longer pinching Dally’s arm.

“Bastard.” He huffed, getting up quickly as he ran to the limp body, who’s face was still in the water. Oh god. Dally felt like he was gonna be sick. This was Darry and Soda’s baby brother. Darry had seen plenty of things, but this bothered him beyond measure.

Gently, he pulled Pony by the shoulder and out of the water.

And to his horror, Pony’s eyes were closed.

“Ponyboy?!” He shouted in pure terror, preforming CPR, while taking constant glances back at Johnny. He needed help.

He stole a quick glance over his shoulder, and to his relief, saw the Socs, or what was left of them, run off to their fancy cars and take off.

And before anyone could cheer, Dally shouted at the top of his lungs, “Get your asses over here now!” He didn’t have time for niceties. His anxiety was too high at the moment. Unlike Ponyboy’s pulse, he could hardly feel it.

Soda was the first to reach him, “What happened?!”

“A damn Soc was drowning him. Here, take over.” Dally moved very slowly to the side and allowed Sods to continue CPR as he went back to Johnny, patting his cheek.

Soda felt his heart drop as he saw just how grey his kid brother was. Darry dropped to his knees next to his brothers, a small gasp escaping his bleeding mouth. “I’ll call the ambulance.” He got up and started dialing with shaky fingers.

“Come on, wake up.” Soda and Dally said at the same time, both to different greasers.

It felt like a lifetime before the flashing red lights rolled up to where the gang was huddled around their family member, Johnny had woken up and was now pleading for Ponyboy to open his eyes.

“Ponyboy?! Pony!” Soda yelped as he got into the ambulance with his kid brother and Darry and the others rode in Darry’s truck.

Chapter Text

“Where’s Ponyboy?” Two-bit asked, making himself a sandwich from the products in the Curtis’ fridge.

Sodapop glanced over at him from the card game he and Steve were finishing. “He went for a walk. He didn’t really say much.”

Soda found that worrisome, sure, but he figured Ponyboy just needed some space and he wouldn’t hesitate twice to give it to him.

Darry sat down next to Dally, drinking some lemonade because today was a hot day outside, and hot days called for lemonade.

Johnny, as usual, was quiet, and focused on the TV.

Suddenly, all of the gang heard a distant scream of pain, and all of them knew instantly that it was Ponyboy.

They all broke off into a dead sprint, Soda in the lead. All they heard were their huffs of breath and their shoes hitting the rocks as one leg pushed them off closer to Ponyboy. But it still wasn’t fast enough for their liking.

They finally turned down the alleyway, where the sight of five Socs pinning Ponyboy against a wall was clear, and all of them launched themselves at different Socs.

Dally was the first to the fight, shooting his rough fist into the Soc’s face that was holding Ponyboy, allowing the small greaser to fall to the ground in a ragdoll type way.

Johnny let the bigger greasers take on the Socs and ran over to his friend. “You okay, Pony?”

Ponyboy looked up at him, his face a little blurry. But he could tell it was Johnny by his tan skin. “Johnny?”

“Yeah, it’s me, Pony. Can you stand up?” His voice was very gentle and quiet, that confirmed it for Ponyboy that this was Johnny.

“I dunno.” He mumbled, his speech slurred.

That kind of scared Johnny.

Two-bit let out a weird wary cry as he shoved a Soc back into a wall and started punching his face as if there was no tomorrow.

A few more beatings, and the Socs gave up and ran.

As the Socs ran off, and Darry kicked some dirt at them, the whole gang quickly turned and went to Ponyboy’s aid.

“He’s talking funny.” Johnny said, worry gripping at his pounding heart.

Soda kneeled next to his kid brother, and put a hand on Ponyboy’s back of his head. “Pony?-“

He stopped suddenly, feeling his hand touch something sticky. In fear, he reeled his hand back and what all of them saw was worse than anything they had thought.

Dark red blood.

“Pony?!” Soda asked in sheer terror and felt his heart leap in his throat when Pony’s eyes rolled back into his head.

“Pick him up, we gotta go to the hospital.” Darry said quickly and he, Soda, and Dally picked up the small greaser, Soda minding his head while Two-Bit and Steve spotted them. Johnny nervously trailed behind, his eyes never leaving his friend.

They got to the hospital, and Soda felt like he couldn’t breathe because Ponyboy didn’t seem like he was. The doctors and nurses stole their brother from their hands and Steve held Sodapop back while Dally got Darry, and they watched Ponyboy disappear behind the hospital doors.

Soda did sit in the waiting room chairs for a while, but then he got up and started pacing, annoying Steve once again.

Darry was nervously biting his fingernails, which Soda almost never saw him do, so he could tell he was bothered.

Johnny and Dally were both sitting quietly next to the hospital window, Dally leaning on his arm while Johnny kept his eyes on the doors that they took Ponyboy into.

Two-bit was over there wasting his money on vending machines, as he stress ate.

Suddenly, a doctor exited those doors that Johnny was staring holes into, and all of them snapped their heads in his direction.

He looked across the waiting room, then eventually visibly gave up and called out the patients name instead. “Ponyboy Curtis?”

The whole gang stood up, and suddenly, the doctor looked intrigued.

“Is he okay?” Soda pushed past Darry to get closer to the man with the information.

“He’s going to be fine, but he has a mild concussion, and you will have to watch him. But, he can go home within the week.”

All of them sighed in relief.

“Can we see him?” Johnny asked quietly.

The doctor nodded, “Yes. But the lights are off in case his eyes are sensitive to light. Just be quiet.” He led them to the door and a very battered up Ponyboy was laying in a hospital bed.

It bothered Soda to see his brother like this.

All of them huddled into the room and the doctor shut the door, leaving them with Ponyboy.

“Ponyboy?” Soda tried, and the younger boy’s eyes flicked open.

“Geez, kid. You scared us.” Steve sighed, closing his eyes and shaking his head.

“Don’t ever do that again, little buddy.” Two-Bit said between mouthfuls of candy.

Johnny smiled at Ponyboy, who returned it weakly.

“You are not going anywhere by your lonesome no more, buddy.” Darry ruffled his hair playfully.

Darn.

Chapter Text

Ponyboy was in a bad place. It was like he was in a large, dark pit and he couldn’t climb out of it. He just wanted to cry, or not, and curl up in his bed and just...die. That sounded good. Great, actually.

He wasn’t reading a word of the book in front of him although he pretended he was. The words seemed to float out of his head as soon as he read them, because his thoughts were taking up too much space.

He didn’t even know why he felt this low. It was like something invisible just kept hitting him on the top of the head with a hammer every time he managed to get up even a little bit. Whether it be the fact that Darry yelled at him a few days ago and said a few things, or being bullied at school by the stupid, bottom-feeder Socs, he didn’t know. He just knew that he wasn’t safe anywhere, be it at school or at home.

Sodapop was laying next to him, taking a quick nap while Ponyboy “read” his book, the one that he had read over and over. It was his favorite, yet he couldn’t seem to get into it.

Darry was at work, being the hard worker that he was, not even knowing that his little temper tantrum that day had affected his little brother in a few ways that he never thought was possible.

Eventually, the voices in his head got to be too much and he got off the bed angrily, heading to the porch to just look at the small neighborhood around him. It was better than nothing.

He opened the door, but surprisingly jumped back when the door opened faster, with help on the other side.

It was Johnny. “Oh, sorry, Pony. I was comin’ to get you, you wanna do something?”

“Uh, Alright. But I gotta be home before Darry gets back. He’ll kill me if he knows I went out without telling anyone.”

Johnny nodded and the two of them started walking.

“What do you wanna do?”

“I dunno, it was hot and I was bored so I just had to find someone to talk to or I would have died.” Johnny joked with a small grin.

Ponyboy forced a smile, despite what he was feeling inside. He really didn’t want to smile or do anything forced because it just didn’t feel real but it was for Johnny.

“Wanna see a movie?” Johnny offered, but Ponyboy really didn’t want to. He wouldn’t be able to focus on it and in the quiet building with no one talking but the characters on the movie, he feels like that would just allow the thoughts to enter. But, if Johnny wanted to.

“What movie?”

Johnny noticed his lack of enthusiasm and cocked his eyebrows. His brown puppy eyes studying his friend, trying to figure out what was wrong with him. “You okay?”

Ponyboy flicked his eyes in Johnny’s direction, then back down at the floor. “Y-yeah.” Crap. He stuttered.

“Well, whats wrong?” Johnny asked, walking a little slower and ignoring that Ponyboy said he was fine.

Ponyboy could have slapped himself. Johnny can always tell when something is wrong with him, he and Soda were the only ones, really. And he felt the urge to tell Johnny everything. But would that change Johnny’s view of Darry? Because of the things he said to him? “It’s nothing.” He said, keeping his gaze on his shoes.

“Pony-“

“It’s nothing, really, Johnny.” He snapped suddenly and immediately looked guilty and regretted hissing at his friend like that when Johnny flinched. “Sorry. I just can’t really tell you.”

Johnny nodded in silent agreement and they both started walking.

They decided not to go into town and stopped at an empty field instead, sitting down next to a tree. It was a hot day, so they sat in he shade to get a break.

Both greasers were silent for a little while, relaxing in the shade, and Ponyboy laid down, closing his eyes and trying to get a moments peace.

He felt Johnny’s eyes on him, but he pretended he didn’t. He never got really good at hiding things, that was more Dally’s thing. But he was working on it because he wanted to be tougher.

“What are you two knuckleheads doing?” A voice suddenly said, and both of them looked over to see Dally. Speak of the devil.

“Hey, Dal.” Johnny said.

“Hey, kid.” Dally ruffled his hair.

Ponyboy didn’t feel like talking much because like he said, he can’t hide things so Darry would probably find out something. So he just pulled a simple head nod.

“Hey, Pony.” Dally gave a mocking head nod back and sat down next to them, leaning back. “What’re you doing?”

“Just chilling here. We were bored.” Johnny laid back next to Ponyboy. “And hot.”

Dally squinted up at the sky. “Yeah, it’s a hot one. Well, Sodapop told me to get you, Ponyboy. Darry’ll be home soon and he wanted you and Soda to do the dishes or something.”

Right. Ponyboy sighed, standing up and headed home.

Sodapop had already started on dishes and was almost done by the time he got home.

“Hey, Pony. I‘ll do dishes can you just start drying?”

“Sure, yeah.” Ponyboy slowly grabbed a towel and started drying the dishes that Sodapop expertly washed. He felt like he had no energy and found himself to be moving very slowly, but Soda didn’t seem to notice through the nasty smelling dishes.

Worthless.

Ponyboy flinched, Darry’s words suddenly making their way back into his mind. He looked down at the pan and tried not to react when they kept flooding through.

But it was hard to just sit there and listen.

Chapter Text

Ponyboy locked himself in the bathroom, Darry’s stabbing words not leaving his racing mind. He started sobbing quietly, pulling his sleeve over his hand as he slipped down to the ground and he covered his mouth with his sleeve, to muffle the uncontrollable sounds.

He squeezed his eyes shut, tears ruthlessly escaping as if they didn’t even need consent.

Overwhelming sadness filled him, and he needed a release. Some type of release, so taking a few deep breaths, trying to calm down the storm, he got up and opened the drawer to find his switch blade in it.

He looked down at it, a tear falling into the drawer next to the weapon.

Pathetic.

He could practically hear Darry hiss that in his ear, and he reached for the blade with trembling hands.

He flipped the blade out, looking at the way that the light of the bathroom glinted off it. He turned it, and it reflected his blurred face.

And suddenly, the sorrow became too much to handle, and Ponyboy pulled his sleeve up to his elbow, and brought the blade to his wrist.

He took a few shaky breaths, pressing the switchblade into his skin, until it drew blood, then he slid it across. And even more blood began to fall, just like his tears.

Sometimes, I wish that Dad and Mom woulda died before you were born. I can’t handle you.

Ponyboy pressed harder at the rememberance of the heart-wrenching words and he sucked in to keep his loud son from escaping.

The pain somehow released some of his sadness, but it was balanced between making it easier, and his thoughts of self-hate. He found himself agreeing with Darry’s words.

He just kept cutting himself, not even caring how much blood he spilt, until he looked at the ground and realized just what a mess he made.

He wiped the switchblade on his jeans, pulling his sleeves over his cuts, and put the blade back into the drawer.

Grabbing toilet paper, he started to clean up his mess and put it into the trash, making sure to put some clean tissues on top so the blood wouldn’t be able to be seen at first glance.

“Ponyboy? You Alright in there?” Sodapop asked suddenly, making Pony jump.

“I-Uh. Yeah. Im Alright. Give me a sec.” Ponyboy quickly washed his hands and then splashed his tear-streaked face before going out.

“Darry is home, in case you wanted to say hi. I’m gonna head to bed.” Sodapop ruffled his hair, and headed to their room.

Ponyboy didn’t want to say anything to him, so he just went to bed with Soda.

Sodapop took off his shirt and jumped into bed, and Ponyboy panicked. He hadn’t thought about this. Sodapop would be suspicious. Why did he cut his arms? Darn it.

Ponyboy just wanted to go to bed and hope Soda wouldn’t say anything. But knowing him. He would definitely notice.

He got into bed, leaving the jacket on, and letting his hands rest against the white sheets as he started reading, nervously scanning over the words.

“Ponyboy?”

Ponyboy was ready for the question.

“Is that blood? Are you bleeding?”

Not that question.

Chapter Text

Sodapop shook himself out of the blankets as Ponyboy got up in shock, staring at the blood that had leaked through his jacket onto the bed.

His brother grabbed his wrists and pulled up the jacket’s sleeves before Ponyboy could do anything about it. “Ponyboy?! What if this? Who did this?!” Sodapop asked, terrified, his voice shaking.

Ponyboy’s mind raced. What does he say? More importantly, why the heck did the blood not dry quick enough? “Well, I-I...paper cut.”

“Ponyboy, stop it. This is not a paper cut. What is-“ Soda stopped and looked into his younger brother’s eyes with sadness and hopefulness. “Did you do this?”

Oh no. Oh no. Please no. Don’t let Soda find out. Not Soda.

“Uh, I-“ Ponyboy stopped when Sodapop put his hand on his cheek, his eyes pleading for the truth.

“Pony?”

Then, the tears started slipping free from Ponyboy’s restrictive grasp. He didn’t want to verbally tell Sodapop that he had been self-harming. He didn’t want to hurt Soda. How would Soda react if he knew that his brother was depressed and hurting himself. Soda didn’t need that on his shoulders.

Soda just watched him with his gentle eyes, waiting for him to answer even though he was pretty sure he already knew.

So, he just brought Ponyboy close to him, resting his chin on top of his brother’s hair and sighing, trying to keep his own tears under.

He wanted to ask why, but he knew he shouldn’t.

Ponyboy started hiccuping, and that brought Darry to the room.

“What’s going on?”

Only a blind man would miss how fast Ponyboy composed himself when Darry entered, he seemingly swallowed his tears and sobs back up and tried his best to look normal. Which was pretty good, considering that he had just been bawling a few seconds ago.

Sodapop looked from Ponyboy to Darry. Why did he do that?

Chapter Text

Sodapop wouldn’t leave him alone the rest of the night, Darry went to bed after trying to get Ponyboy to show him what was wrong, but eventually gave up.

And, Ponyboy fell asleep sometime after that, wanting an escape and sleep seemed to be the best option.

The next morning, Ponyboy woke up to find his bed empty besides himself. Where was Soda?

The events of the night before came tumbling back into his mind before he could even blink back the blurriness from sleeping. Dangit. Sodapop knew.

He felt sick, he didn’t want anyone to know, and now, Sodapop, out of all them, found out. That was his brother, Ponyboy should have known that he wouldn’t have been able to hide anything from him.

Ponyboy headed out of the room and went to peek into the other section of the house, not expecting to find the whole gang staring back at him. Crap. He wanted to just disappear.

“Ponyboy.” Two-bit spoke for all of them as all of them immediately looked at him and all of their eyes searched him for answers. Yeah, he was a self-harming, broken down greaser. It wouldn’t be that hard to tell. And it kind of hurt Ponyboy to realize that.

“What’re you guys doing here?” Ponyboy asked nervously, his wrists sore from the night before, as he subconsciously rubbed them.

“We were worried about ya, kid.” Dally butted in, even he looked concerned.

“Why?” Soda suddenly asked. And Ponyboy looked at him as if he had just asked him if he had better hair than Two-bit.

“Why were you hurting yourself, Pony?” He clarified, noting the confusion in his brother’s face turning to fear.

Ponyboy looked around at the lot in front of him, he knew that Darry was at work, but he was still scared to tell.

“You can tell us Ponyboy.” Johnny said, and it shocked Ponyboy that he even spoke, but Ponyboy continued to fiddle with his jacket.

What does he do? Tell the truth? Or lie and protect Darry?

“Ponyboy.” Dally said impatiently.

Ponyboy panicked, looking between all of them.

Choose you fool.

Finally, Ponyboy spoke softly. “Darry.”

Chapter Text

It was out. They knew. The whole gang-except Darry- knew that he had self-harmed. They all knew that Darry was the reason that he had started this and now they all think Darry is a bad brother and it was all Ponyboy’s fault. At leas that what was rapidly circling in his mind.

“Ponyboy, what do you mean Darry?” The way Sodapop said Darry made Ponyboy flinch. It was like he was angry, yet worried. But more angry.

Oh no. Ponyboy thought, tears almost spilling, I made him hate Darry.

He just stared at the gang, who was staring right back, a little frightened. He didn’t know how to answer that.

He didn’t want to answer that. 

“Pony?” 

Again, he just stared at them. He didn’t want to say it, he wanted someone to know and just...tell everyone else. Was that too much to ask? 

“C’mon, kid. Just tell us.” Dally sounded kind. Kind? That’s odd, he almost never had that tone in his usually tuff voice. 

“It was just some things he said. Nothin’ big. I was just bein’ a baby.” Ponyboy felt a single tear slide down and he was mortified.

He was crying. In front of he guys. He hated when he was looked at like a child. He was already the youngest of the group. But, they usually looked at him as an equal because of how good of a fighter he was or because he was quiet around them and they didn’t have enough information about how he was feeling to think he was a child. 

“Well, what’d he say?” 

Ponyboy’s fingers traced over his scabbing wound on his wrist, and looked down. Should he tell them? No. But they wouldn’t leave him alone. 

“Promise you won’t tell Darry?” He said quietly. 

“Of course, Pon. Just say it.” Soda watched him hopefully with his dancing eyes. 

“Just...that...he..wished mom and dad died before they had me.” Ponyboy let the words tumble out of his mouth as if the speed made it easier for him to say it. 

The whole gang was in shock.