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I am beautiful, therefore, I am loved.
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Cerulean blue eyes stared her down. Cooly, sounding completely unperturbed by the sight in front of her, she spoke, “Your head is bleeding.”
Out of all the people to find her in such a state, it had to be the new student; Kagura Hikari.
Tendo Maya had absolutely zero recollection of how long she’d been in the bathroom, sat curled in on herself as she was positioned at the edge of the empty bath. It was still wet from the night’s latest use by the dorm’s occupants, and a patch of water had soaked through, darkening the rear end section of her grey pants. Dried tear tracks marked trails down her cheeks, her not bothering to wipe her face free of the treacherous liquid as she squeezed out every last bit of agony out of her disagreeing stomach.
Ups and downs, she somberly reminded herself.
With Maya, she was well aware of how her life was filled with many ups. But with ups, so many sacrifices had to be made- bringing forth the downs. Too often had she reminded herself that those counted as ups as well, for they weren’t of great importance if she had to give so much up to achieve what was, to her mind, better. She had to give up a carefree childhood to become a thoroughly trained performer, sacrificing her chance at living her life out to the idea of becoming someone she’d visualised herself to be now. She had to sacrifice friendships - or, the probability of friendships - for the sake of not getting distracted, to have more time to herself. She had to accept not having quite the close relationship with her parents as any brilliant child as she deserved to have; as it turned out, she was better suited as a statue of their choosing, someone they could mould into something they longed for her to be, not what she wished her to be.
Those were all ups. Because the downs, the many things she had to give up - while might have made her life infinitely happier, were not important.
Her happiness was not important.
Perhaps that was why she found herself slowly crumbling from the start of the week - slowly giving into those intrusive thoughts that had suddenly grown louder the longer she allowed them to persist. She’d lost to it once during her first year at Seisho, with her friends being supportive roles in her journey to healing until she was able to plough forward and emerged victorious. She’d performed in the school’s annual play of Starlight that year, taking on the role of Claire while Saijou Claudine, someone she could almost consider a friend at the time, took on the part of Claire’s supporting role; Flora. This lit a fire up in Claudine, and she returned to her hostile, rival self with all the compassion from the more empathetic part of Claudine’s personality vanishing as all the effort into getting the play in progress began.
It was fine then, Maya didn’t really need a pair of eyes to watch like an eagle for the next 24 hours during the odd days she’d habitually decided to eat at a lesser portion than usual. The brunette hadn’t dropped back to her unhealthy anorexic spiral for months since Claudine approached her and managed to get her to open up about it. She’d healed , she’d recovered , she’d won the top spot yet again at the topic of mental health management. She no longer hated her figure and did less of harshly judging herself for every bite of food that was too much.
That was what she liked to tell herself, at least. That she’d won, and even when those thoughts come again, several times every month, she’d beat them down easily and win with pride. All by herself.
She wouldn’t fall again.
And yet, that night, she discovered herself tossing and turning uncomfortably in a bout of insomnia. Whatever caused those damning thoughts to surface did not matter - what mattered was that those intrusive demons inside her were slowly taking her over once again.
She wondered, momentarily, if she should speak up about it. Surely many would be willing to listen and understand. She had a variety of options to choose from, the perks of having more than one friend. A sorrowful chuckle escaped her lips then, Maya realising how that was not an option so long ago in her life all the years before.
And yet, she chose to not disturb anyone at that time of night. Instead letting the thoughts intrude her mind further until she herself was, far too easily, convinced of how it was a truth, a false truth of course, but a truth nonetheless to her fogged mind. At the very least, she may allow herself some relief from it. One that used to work whenever she needed to regain control.
Unfortunately, she’d stopped herself from stocking up on energy drinks entirely ever since Claudine caught her committing to this unhealthy habit. She’d had to see the nurse more than once when it became clear that the liquid was eroding the inner layers of her empty stomach, and Daiba Nana even kept their storage of energy drinks in the kitchen free at a number below zero or well hidden from Maya. So that boost of energy was out of the question - not that she needed the boost of energy at the moment, though it would be nice to have in the morning once the restless night had passed.
What she needed closure from was the fact that she had a large dinner some hours ago. It was the core subject her taunting mind would not leave her to rest from. She knew it had probably all digested by then, and yet… a trip to the toilet sounded like a familiar comfort.
For Tendo Maya, her comfort was control and power. This was something she could control.
With ups, - no matter how many times she tries to deny it - there will always be downs.
Maya knew, deep within her fractured, brilliant mind, that mental health was always and forever, a journey of ups-and-downs. Perhaps this was a down, but it also brought with it an up. She’d feel better, if allowed herself to succumb to it once again. Just this once, to relive an old rush.
Before the rational part of her brain could protest, Maya was already stumbling out of her room, walking towards their shared bathrooms. It was easy to head on over to that direction, she noticed - easier than it had ever been several months back, back when she was ill and a thin, skeleton-y shell of herself, when she was deprived of so much nutrition her frail body could barely hold herself upright. This should have made it easier for her to stop herself, yet the reminder simply told her she’d filled in again, she hadn’t been watching her figure again, she’d been indulging herself again, and something was severely wrong.
The dizzying thoughts had caused her to misjudge the directions of her destination’s whereabouts, causing her to walk directly into a wall. With her slightly hunched figure, it meant her forehead struck the wall first and she stumbled back a few feet, attempting to recollect herself. She quietly scolded herself for having decided not to turn on the light - or, at the very least, bring her phone to use as a light source.
Which was how she found herself in the bathroom, the pounding in her head distracting her from her original intentions. That was, to the least of Maya’s expectations, where Karen’s childhood friend would pass by and enter wordlessly, taking notice of the brunette’s presence.
“I thought you were a ghost.” She said as a greeting, speaking with a straight face.
Maya fought the urge to wince at the comparison.
Even with her dishevelled hair and half-lidded eyes, looking very much like she’d just left her bedroom, Hikari seemed completely nonchalant at the idea of walking up to the ghost. This made Maya wonder if she would happily be the first person to die in a horror movie.
“Your head is bleeding.” Hikari stated then, when Maya did not give a verbal response to her initial statement.
Head stinging from where she’d struck it against the wall, Maya mumbled as she raised a few fingers to touch. Small stains of red met the tips near her nails as she looked, causing her to easily assume that it was a small cut - nothing she can’t hide with her bangs.
“It’s nothing.” She spoke smoothly.
Hikari didn’t push the matter further. Instead, she asked, “What are you doing here?”
“I needed to use the bathroom.” It wasn’t a complete lie.
A shrug was the response to that. “You like to sit in the bathroom alone sometimes? Alright then.”
“Are you not going to ask why?” Maya couldn’t help asking. Hikari never truly struck her as the curious sort, but the amount of disconcern made Maya curious.
“It’s none of my business.” Hikari mumbled. She turned, seeming to leave, before her fists clenched at her sides and she turned her head, looking over her shoulder. “Are you staying here?”
A few beats of silence met them before Maya finally answered. “I haven’t done what I came here for.”
“If it was urgent you would’ve done so already.” That was true. Normal people go to the toilet to do the obvious, and usually they couldn’t afford sitting around waiting before actually committing to it. What Maya intended was completely not normal.
She definitely hadn’t committed the atrocious crime of shoving a finger down her throat, gagging out whatever was to remain of the dinner that very likely had been absorbed into her veins by now. Now that she had a more rational mind to reconsider the thought with, it did not feel logical to commit. There was nothing to control, it was already done.
“I haven’t.” The top student confirmed. Hikari was not trying to meet her eyes, so she did not have to do any averting as she stared forward, peering a hole into her hands and the slight stains of red.
Hikari was quiet, taking a few steps forward to return to the entrance. Maya waited for the sounds of her feet walking away, yet instead it simply stopped there. A knock on the doorframe caused Maya to glance up, Hikari trying to get her attention. Azure eyes bore into her, though they appeared less fogged of sleep and more focused now.
“I can make tea.” The girl spoke in a silent offer. It might help, stayed unspoken. Somehow, Maya could read it in her eyes.
Kagura Hikari, as it turned out, was brilliant when it came to the subject of tea. Perhaps it came from her having lived in London for a large part of her life, or it could have simply been a tradition in her family, or perhaps simply something she taught herself. She pushed Maya onto a chair once they’d arrived at the kitchen, a silent signal for her to stay put while she made the beverage. Soon enough, a cup of mint tea was placed in front of her, the calming aroma already doing its work to soothe her wild nerves.
She closed her eyes and took a sip.
At Maya’s moment of relaxation, the girl spoke. “Do you want to talk?”
It was an offer Maya didn’t exactly expect. Hikari was usually not one to pry. No - she was simply someone that barely showed any care at all unless it involved Aijo Karen.
“What troubles you?” Maya answered back, thinking that Hikari was most likely awake for a reason of her own.
“Just couldn’t sleep.” Hikari spoke dismissively. Then, with a pointed gaze that did not immediately shift her from usual deadpan expression, “I was asking you.”
The brunette exhaled. She considered playing it off like nothing, but the truth was, she was much too tired of doing that. Acting took up energy, one she simply couldn’t be bothered to empower herself up for at 3 in the morning.
“Let’s just say…” She smiled, as if there was not a worry in the world, “I’ve fallen into some old habits.”
The girl waited patiently for her to continue, an index finger tracing across the edge of her cup.
Maya remembered what Claudine told her some time ago, about relying on people. How there was no shame to do so - she was only human. There were no faults in confiding in someone, and here was someone opening the door for her, offering a place to release her innermost thoughts into. She wasn’t sure if she could trust Hikari. The girl gave Maya an impression of someone simply not giving her all, despite having obtained the incredible skillset to do so. In a way, she understood - the girl was restricting herself, something was keeping her from embracing it. For what reason, Maya was not certain of, but she was familiar with the feeling. She understood, in her own way.
“I have… unhealthy- ” She licked her lips uncomfortably, still maintaining her composure. Even after fully acknowledging her issues, admitting out loud it was still difficult. She fixed her gaze on her cup, just as Hikari did to her own. “Coping methods.”
Kagura Hikari stared at her, expression unreadable. It did not faze Maya the slightest- she’d gotten used to the dark-haired girl’s ever stagnant expression.
She dared herself to plough forward. “It’s food.” Her voice dropped. “It just… feels wrong to have it in me.”
Maya paused, not entirely prepared to lay herself bare in front of the girl she’d only known for merely less than a month. As if sensing this, Hikari stopped her with a hand on her knuckles before she could explain herself further.
“...I get it.” The girl spoke quietly. Maya turned to her. While she kept a steady face, she couldn’t help the glimpse of surprise in her eyes.
It was like a breath of fresh air.
Hikari didn’t offer anything after that, instead picking up her tea and silently raising it forward. Maya took the hint and did the same, lightly bumping her cup with the girl’s. It was as if a newfound friendship was formed.
“It’s okay.” The dark-haired girl spoke once she stood up. “To let yourself be.”
Maya understood instantly. It was okay to just be. Even if it meant being imperfect.
Hikari washed her cup and left it on the drying rack, wiping her hands dry on a hand towel hanging by the side before turning to leave. She paused by the doorframe, however and turned around once again.
“Are you staying?” Hikari seemed to hesitate, frowning lightly. The first real expression she actually showed that night. “Should I get Saijou?”
Maya could never expect that Hikari, out of all people, would be concerned about her being alone with her thoughts.
Interesting how their classmates all seemed to assume that Saijou Claudine had a close bond with Tendo Maya herself. Claudine had, more than it was necessary, stated that Maya was her rival and nothing more. No matter the amount of time they spent together in practice, or when they would have lunch together, with Claudine staring her down with a death glare that had absolutely zero effect on the top student. They weren’t close, not exactly, though Claudine had indeed seen her at her lowest point, once upon a time, and had been by her side the entire time she worked on healing.
But no, Maya didn't need Claudine to be by her right then and there.
"I'll be fine." Maya promised her. "Without anyone."
It wasn't a real answer, but it somehow provided Hikari with one as the girl simply turned on her heels and walked away.
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“Tough front, huh?” Claudine’s voice interrupted her silence, the girl in question practically gliding in and dropping into Hikari’s vacant seat. Not letting it show how the sudden presence startled her, Maya simply raised her brows at that, a silent question of 'Why are you awake at this hour?' in her eyes.
Then, seriously, despite the half-awake look in her droopy scarlet eyes, the blonde levelled Maya with a small half-hearted glare. “I’ve been told I’m a great listener.”
“Sounds like a threat.” Maya said jokingly.
After rubbing her eyes and taking a moment to fully wake up, Claudine leaned back in her seat and assessed the girl in front of her properly. She took in Maya’s exhausted features, the girl in question not slumping over and staying poised in her seat despite how much she appeared to want to. Then, her eyes flew to her forehead, causing Claudine’s voice to raise slightly. “Did you hurt yourself?”
She said in a tone that was much a little too loud than necessary that Maya could easily chalk it up to aggressive concern.
“I misstepped.” The brunette replied easily.
“There’s a little scratch on your forehead.” Claudine frowned. “Did you not think to clean it?”
Maya sighed. “I had other concerns.”
This got Claudine to stop fussing over the small, barely-there wound and refocus her attention to Maya. “What’s going on? I had Kagura-san bursting my door down at 3 in the morning telling me you-”
She stopped herself from saying whatever it was she almost did, prompting Maya to raise a questioning brow as she flashed a smirk in Claudine’s direction.
“What did she say?” Maya pressed, teasing. Claudine flushed.
“Nothing. She just told me you're here."
Maya decided to press her buttons further. "And that got you moving?"
This time, there was a hint of a warning in the blonde's glare. Maya knew Claudine wasn't one to simply give up on getting an uninterrupted rest without good reason. She cared, a lot, that was who Claudine truly was. Behind all her harsh remarks and sarcastic bites in regards to Maya's achievements at always being able to stay on top of everything she did, the half-French did care to a large extent. If Maya was to falter , to fall from where she was because of anything else that isn't Claudine stepping up and taking her spot as number one, she would have all the compassion in the world to offer.
She wasn't selfish. That wasn't who Claudine was.
She maintained her glare for a few more seconds before letting it fell. Then, genuinely, she muttered, "Are you feeling alright?" Turning to face Maya, Claudine pointed a finger in her face. "No acting. No lies."
Maya couldn't help but let a small smile slip out at that. Claudine had seen her at her lowest, and yet somehow it was Claudine that was more embarrassed by the idea of emotionally supporting her. This didn't mean that her intentions were any less genuine though - Claudine was just Claudine, and in a way, she liked to put up her own tough front as well.
She grasped Claudine's finger and gently lowered it, letting their hand lay between them in the middle of the table. Neither girl pulled away.
"I'm fine." Maya spoke, looking deep into Claudine's rose-tinted irises convincingly. Before the blonde could protest or scold her, she closed her eyes and breathed through her nose. "I wasn't, but I'm fine now."
"Are you sure?"
The brunette nodded. "It's just a rough night."
Claudine looked down to the empty cup. Maya still had a finger looped in the tiny handle. "Did Kagura-san make you tea?"
"Are you certain it wasn't me?"
The blonde shrugged. "I know you are perfectly capable yourself. I was just asking for the most unlikely circumstance. Didn't expect to be correct."
A small chuckle escaped Maya's lips. "In that case, yes. She was kind."
Claudine seemed to think for a moment before nodding. "That's good."
She pulled her finger away from Maya's grasp, choosing instead to rest her hand on the other girl's hand. Maya didn't react to this, simply letting Claudine be as she found herself longing for more tea.
"If there is anything you need to talk about…" She trailed off momentarily. "I'm listening."
“It is not much of a concern, Saijou-san.” Maya repeated, her features gentle.
“Then-” Claudine spoke, attempting to maintain her patience. It can take quite some prompting to get Maya to open up, sometimes. “You can tell me, if you want to, right?”
It wasn’t to ease the brunette up- it was Claudine’s reminder that Maya was allowed to rely on friendships every now and then. For Maya to be able to tell herself that, let it be known to her that she was human too, one allowed to have flaws.
Her being convinced of her being unallowed to obtain her own flaws was what brought her to this moment.
This was as difficult for Maya to say as much as it was difficult for Claudine to pry it out of her without appearing too forceful. She wasn’t raised to be weak. Confiding in others felt like a weakness to her.
“Of course.” She answered.
“Do you want to tell me?”
A few heartbeats passed. Then, softly. “I do.”
“I’m listening.”
Sometimes ups meant embracing the downs.
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