Chapter Text
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It was rather chilly. Funny how, at a much greater height, the breeze tended to pick up and the warmth of the day didn't seem to be able to reach such a height. Mildly, Maya found herself wondering why that was the case, as the sun itself is very clearly over 150 million kilometres above them. She gazed up into the sky - it was cloudless, giving her little to look to as she stared, searching for shapes to tell the most random stories out of. She loved to do exactly that as a child, the time when she was too small for such immense expectations to be placed on her, when she was born a star but acknowledged by her parents that she was simply not quite ready to shine just yet. The time when she was unburdened, allowed to grow and experience life as it was. To be as she was to be.
That was quickly ripped away from her, only a few mere years later, when she was old enough to have developed coherent speeches and memorised songs to a large extent. Even more so when it was discovered she had perfect pitch and a strong, commanding singing voice that made everyone around her stop in their tracks - if only to listen to this child, the moulded prima donna of her parents, amaze them with a voice that could easily move them to tears. She sang with perfection, not a single tune out of line - breathing smooth and controlled it was practically destined that the spotlight was where she was meant to be.
Her mother had called her that morning, informing her of how she was needed back home during the holidays for a performance. That's all Maya was to them - a prize to show off, instead of the daughter to treasure and love. She'd only been one for all the earliest 3 years of her life, perhaps even less, and while this should be troublesome Maya simply viewed it to be rather normal. For her.
She knew her friends had differing opinions regarding her upbringing. But it was the childhood she had, the one that led her to the magnificent woman she was to this day.
Perfect, she was. She was Tendo Maya.
And Tendo Maya did not know happiness, only to shine where the spotlight has its gaze fixed upon her.
But the rooftop wasn’t a stage. Rays of sunlight may shine down on her as she stood atop of everything else, but it was nothing similar to the beam of the spotlight, nor was there an audience to witness her enchanting presence. She stood still, voice dead on her tongue, the insides of her cheek feeling dry and raw. Then she stepped forward, near the edge - perfectly balanced as her socked feet stood on asphalt. It would be so easy to fall. She wasn’t entirely certain why she was putting any effort at all into staying on top.
The top - where she had always been. Stuck. Was she stuck if she was simply where she chose to be? The mind is a labyrinth - Maya felt that she had many conflicting thoughts on the matter.
Before she could actually reach the edge of the roof however, there was a light vibration from her muted phone, simultaneously disturbing her peace.
Was it peace? Has she ever truly known peace?
Slipping the offending device out of her vest, Maya glanced at it.
A text. Several missed calls. Had her phone been ringing this entire time? She hadn’t noticed.
A nagging voice at the back of her mind warned her not to answer. That she wouldn’t be able to bring herself back to where she was if she did so. She was so close. If she heard that voice-
With a few quick taps, she called back. The call connected almost instantly.
“Enfin!” The person on the other end exhaled. Claudine. Maya would recognise that voice anywhere. “I’ve been trying to reach you for 30 minutes now. Où es-tu, pénible femme?”
The brunette blinked at the use of French. She took a moment to reboot her brain and run over the last sentence in her mind, refreshing her thoughts of her own multilingual studies. For the most part, she usually caught on pretty quickly. Though sometimes, when she was at a low, Maya discovered that switching from one language to another tended to confuse her, and she would take longer than usual to pick up on the second language. This must have been what Claudine felt, whenever she got distressed and ended up sprouting out a string of French and Japanese all at once.
‘Where are you, troublesome woman?’ Her brain translated helpfully.
Maya felt a wobbly smile make its way to her face. Her absence was noticed. She ran the pronunciations in her mind before responding. “Quel est le problème?”
There was no one to see - she was allowed to let her emotion control her features. She felt her eyes moisten. Strange, how she stopped caring about appearances when it felt like there was no one else to care. And yet…
“Où es-tu?” The half-french asked again. Clouded by her own swirling emotions, Maya was unable to decipher the tone in her friend’s voice. Whether Claudine was concerned, bored, annoyed - she couldn’t tell. She hoped the girl was irritated, it was better than worrying her friend. She had done too much of that since they met, hadn’t she? She couldn’t keep letting Clauding see her for how weak she truly was, and yet she kept doing that anyway. She trusted Claudine and she allowed herself to trust, to rely- that was the real issue.
She realised she failed to answer when Claudine’s voice filled the air again, now in her mother tongue, the blonde speaking fluent Japanese to regain Maya’s attention, “Maya, seriously, where have you been?”
Ever since she found out that Maya had known French for years prior to meeting her, they’ve been reverting to that language considerably often. Claudine was beyond thrilled to have someone to converse in her beloved maternal language with - after getting over the initial shock of Maya having understood her multilingual rambles the entire time, that is. Now they use it often, Maya was only too happy at the opportunity to polish up on her pronunciations more. She still made mistakes here and there, generally when it came to similar-sounding words. But Claudine never had a problem understanding her.
Instead of answering, Maya turned around and returned to the building, pulling back the window that gave her the way out to the roof.
“Maya? Are you still there?”
“Yes.” She responded. Her shoes lay underneath the window, exactly where she’d left it. As her feet abandoned the roof, Maya gave the sinking sun a glance before fully departing, closing the window behind her.
She didn’t slip.
- - -
She found herself on the roof again several days later.
That morning, they had an argument.
Deep down, she knew why. But the logical part of her refused to understand. It was better to not make sense of it - reality was painful. It was jarring and cruel. This impulsive urge, whatever it was, felt oddly necessary. But she didn’t have an explanation, didn’t know how to speak to anyone regarding her little escapade after school. She couldn’t even put her own emotions to words either, and that stumped Maya - she was never one without the fitting monologue suited for her situations.
Claudine often claims she says the most embarrassing things.
In truth, Maya wasn’t one to beat around the bush, and that fact that she always enjoyed the blonde’s reactions was a bonus. From her outer layer, the one she allowed everyone to see - she was confident and perfect, every word spoken was keenly held onto by many. Behind that mask, however, she was this unrefreshing self - the person that, while she responded to Claudine’s irritations with sass and a smirk, while she held her head up in pride at every praise - was everything but. She found herself trapped in her thoughts many nights, wondering how much she’d truly burdened Claudine with expectations, how she must’ve really caused the girl pain or embarrassment from her own wins. She imagined herself stealing the spotlight ever so often, considering with great heaviness in her heart how many must’ve been shadowed, unseen - because she shone so bright she only lit the end of the tunnel, completely failing to light the entire passage through.
Perhaps, she had simply always been so, so selfish.
As usual, rationality broke through and argued with her toxic mind, reminding her how if Claudine truly found her unpleasant, she wouldn’t have grown so fond of Maya up to that point. Her classmates idolised her, and perhaps there was a barrier when they were just starting out in the school once upon a time - but it was their third and final year now, bonds had been formed, and Maya was less of a ‘Tendo-san’ and more of ‘Maya-chan’ to her friendships. She was, while still above Claudine, also stood on the same level as her. She no longer felt jealous upon hearing their classmates cheerfully greeting Claudine with their affectionate calling of ‘Kuro-chan’ while she stood beside her as ‘Tendo-san’. Because she wasn’t untouchable, unapproachable anymore. She was human, no longer a statuette of the rumoured prodigal thoroughbred. She was a student, just like everyone else. She had her shortcomings, just like everyone else.
She was Maya.
Yet she still found herself at the edge of the roof, socked feet managing to keep her well-perched as she stood on the uneven composite, her posture straight and elegant even in the face of danger. Despite the many decades the school had been in existence, the roof was still one solid structure, keeping Maya well in one piece as it failed to crumble underneath her weight.
A shame it didn’t, she found herself thinking - startling even herself.
As much as she tried to avoid such... perilous thoughts, they still snuck up on her sometimes. But not here, not on the roof. Sometimes she did think about what she could do on the roof, the many things that would’ve put an end to that chapter in her life, but she never had such thoughts come at her while she was on the roof. Oddly enough, those notions were what drove her there on impulse, but they always went away when she was so close.
Alarm bells rang in her mind. It shouldn’t feel so natural, so normal. Ever since her friends - Claudine especially - had caught onto her anorexic behaviour, they had done all they could to help her recover. She had been improving, albeit with ups and downs here and there. She had somehow managed to convince herself that she wasn’t as good, as deserving of the life she currently led. Some days, she still thought that way. The intrusive thoughts felt right, normal.
But after a long talk, one that led down a path of serious worry and concern, Maya understood that those thoughts weren’t hers, and they weren’t right. She remembered how Claudine had checked on her every day, calling for her attention whenever she zoned out for too long, held her hand when she hadn’t realised she was shaking, covered for her and kept her away from everyone else when she couldn’t handle anyone looking, touching her body. Of course, dance classes made this difficult, but when it was always Claudine being her partner, it was easier.
There was also Nana, who was there for Maya if she needed to talk, although Maya didn’t often find it easy to open up to anyone, even with Saijou Claudine. Sometimes, Nana did her part by asking Maya what she felt like eating for dinner, and always leaving her something favourable in the refrigerator if she ever decided to have a snack. Sometimes it was suffocating, but it was necessary. At least, Maya would always have the option to say no.
Not everyone reacted well. It was perhaps a mistake, that night when she, under Claudine, Nana and Mahiru’s support, had decided that she’d speak to everyone else regarding her eating disorder. She’d spoken to the three sooner before deciding that getting everyone in may be a good idea, especially so they’d know which subjects to thread carefully on and recognise her bad days. Hanayaki Kaoruko was surprisingly understanding, while Isurugi Futaba kindly voiced her concerns. Aijo Karen, however, was a little too overwhelming with her reaction; loudly voicing how worrying it was with fresh tears that flowed freely down her cheeks. It took a moment to calm her down, but they all know she meant well. Hoshimi Junna had unexpectedly become the one to, rather insensitively, spoken up about how it was not smart to proceed with this unhealthy habit - as if Maya hadn’t already known - and stated the death rate was rather high for people that suffered from eating disorders.
Maya had smiled then, despite how much her heart shook at that, already wondering how much she’d worn herself down. An argument escalated, with Claudine stating that Maya wasn’t doing it on purpose, while Junna, confused, defended her points and said how it can be helped. Several of the others joined in and piped up now and again, while the rest tried to neutralise the situation as best they could.
It wasn’t a fun night, with Maya acting as if everything was normal, that it was fine for her friends to have opinions regarding her situation and argue over such drastically different thoughts. As if she hadn’t just confessed something that weighed heavily in her heart, with mixed results. Something that was supposed to be her decision on what to do regarding it.
Sometimes she still wondered if she should’ve even said anything in the first place, if her friends would treat her differently now, over a year later.
That night, Junna had mentioned the potential for dying so bluntly, Maya found herself crying silently the same night once she’d retired to bed. It was funny how now, the concept of death didn’t scare her as much anymore. Impulsiveness wasn’t something Tendo Maya usually had. The thought of going somewhere high, believing how easy it would be, was a living drought in her mind.
Perhaps, that was why she kept going to the roof. Because it was a comfort; the idea that all her pain could end so easily.
But Maya never lived for easy. It may appear as if everything she ever earned was handed to her on a silver platter, when it couldn’t be further from the truth. She fought tooth and nail, polished her talents frequently to perfection, did her best to not shy away from the eyes of the judging, the public, all her actual rivals, her parents- instead she bloomed under their sights and proved herself worthy.
She earned everything she had.
And yet…
Was she happy?
Are happy people this damaged?
Her phone rang. It played a song - Hoshitsumi no Uta - clipped to the part where Claudine and herself harmonised together. It was a crude recording of the Starlight Gathering song, of herself sitting on the piano while they sang together to practise for the roles they had in the play during their first year, a little over a year ago. The phone was simply placed on the piano in front of them, recording the soft melody. She remembered how Claudine had initially refused to take the seat next to her as Maya played, choosing instead to stand where she could watch Maya’s expression. She hadn’t returned the favour at the time, choosing instead to focus on the way her fingers danced over the ivories. The brunette wondered what Claudine thought at the time, and if she could see right through the blonde had she watched as well in return.
Over time, as days passed - Claudine finally sat down and sang next to her, their duet growing more and more perfect as they went on. It was a pleasant memory, one she never wished to forget. She promised herself to never place her phone on silent again unless she absolutely needed to, if only for an excuse to hear the song again.
‘And it shall be bestowed upon you, the star which you have longed for.’
She waited for the one line to end before answering.
There was only one person she'd set a special ringtone for.
“You don’t have to wait for the song to end every time.” Claudine’s annoyed, nasally voice greeted her. Maya felt a twinge of uneasiness strike the pit of her stomach. Usually, Claudine’s irritation doesn’t bother her- but after the day’s event, the argument they had - the top student felt a little on edge. How ironic.
She'd almost forgotten about the argument.
She swallowed. “I like it. It’s charming.”
Bonus points at being a trained actress: Your voice doesn’t betray you. In fact, Maya often found that giving into her emotions and letting them control her expressions to be far more difficult than actually choosing what she wanted to portray. She wondered if it was dishonest, sometimes - to have on such a mask. Claudine always claimed she was able to see right through it each time.
Ah, Claudine. The half-french had come to know her so well, she had become a lot of things to Maya. She was, at first, a classmate. Then a shadow, a rival, her partner, her friend. She was Maya's best friend.
Before Maya could get lost in her thoughts of the girl, Claudine snorted at the other end, though it didn’t seem to come from pure amusement. She was genuinely annoyed then, Maya was certain.
What was their argument about again?
Maya's mind was fuzzy at the recollection. She found herself doing this more and more sometimes, pushing something back until she was ready to process and talk about it. Mahiru called it repressing, though she remembered Nana looking at her with concern when she called Maya out for this newly developed tactic at dealing with stressful emotional situations. She'd used the same word, adding up another one to the mix.
Procrastinating?
No, it was disassociating.
"So instead of apologising you're just going to disappear? For how long?"
Claudine was definitely still angry.
She still couldn't remember what the argument was. But the argument they had earlier that day… she definitely remembered what happened afterwards. She'd left the scene, an apologetic look plastered on her face - claiming that she had somewhere to be. The situation brought forth self-destructive thoughts to begin swarming in Maya’s mind, which then led her to smile warmly as if she wasn’t crumbling internally from the events of the day.
"Apologies, I didn't realise that it has been quite some time." She stared out at the orange sky, trying to mentally calculate the hours, instead of glancing at the clock on her phone.
"It's been hours, Maya. It's getting dark." She heard a sigh. A visual image of Claudine pinching the bridge of her nose - her face filled with weariness - came to mind. "I didn't want to bother you in case you needed the space, but… come home. It's time we talk about this."
Oh. She wasn't angry. She was frustrated.
She was worried .
For a moment, Maya allowed herself to imagine Claudine constantly checking her phone, restraining herself from sending a text and reaching out to her - from demanding an apology or explanation on whatever it was Maya did. Probably even waiting for Maya to perhaps say something, anything. Maya usually wasn’t one to leave an argument on bad terms for long. She dominated them, allowed it to pass and never dwelled on it for long.
Except she hadn’t exactly dwelled on it. She downright neglected it - forgotten it.
Maya owed Claudine an apology. A real apology. But she needed something to apologise for so the apology was genuine.
“Maya, are you still there?”
“Yes.”
A pause. “Can you… come home?”
Home. Claudine loved that word. From earlier on since they started living under the same roof, she’d deemed it their home and used that exact word instead of ‘the dorms’ as everyone else did. The brunette wondered if that was what a real home truly felt like. She had a home, of course - but it felt different to what she had now. Claudine would know, of course. What home truly is.
Maya murmured something distractedly without realising it, causing a questioning, “Hmm?” to respond to her.
“I’ll see you soon.” The brunette said noncommittally, already turning around and walking back to the window she’d come through. She walked over from the edge and back gracefully, not slipping once as she maintained a perfect balance. For a second, she wondered how she made it to the edge in the first place, when she first came out there entirely distraught.
As was the time before, Maya hadn’t dared to look down at all, afraid of what she might bring herself to do if she did so.
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