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- - -
It was all because of one phrase.
"I love you."
It unsettled her.
Maya had heard it all her life. It started out warm, genuine - filled with all the adoration the phrase was always meant to offer. From the beginning of her lifetime, she'd heard it said to her by her parents the most, when she was little and her mother used to tuck her in bed every night. Her father would say it too, sometimes, during the rare moments he would spend with her. Her clearest memories were of when he would sit with her in front of the piano and listen as she went through sheet music to sheet music, one after another until her father would pull another one out, a duet for them to play together. She remembered how he would lean in, hug her from the side and say three little words.
She hadn't truly understood it then, didn't know that she was supposed to answer with an 'I love you too' because she'd never actually heard it said back.
She’d never been the one to initiate it either. She thought it was simply something adults do - Maya may take after parents in the way they would arrange their words carefully, but she had never been able to figure out when the right moment to let that phrase slip was.
What was love, when was the right time to express it? Why would she need to say it? What purpose does it serve?
When she grew older, the words became hollow, turned into mere obligation as Maya herself became a prize for her parents to show off.
She didn't even know what love truly was, or if she'd ever felt it at all, as it had only ever been a tool to reel her in.
- - -
Maya was the lead role.
Her primary school was putting on a little play, and as her parents had encouraged her to, she’d auditioned for it. As was the intention of auditioning, she won the lead role easily.
She had only been a mere pre-teen at the time, having had multiple experiences of putting on performances since she was old enough to sing - despite having a slight lisp at 4.
When she finally said her first ‘I love you’, it was scripted. It was a few days into rehearsal, the part being far later into the play for it to not appear earlier on. The girl she held the hand of at the time glanced up at her as she said those words, though instead of playing the part of a lovestruck lover, her classmate frowned.
“You’re not supposed to say it like it’s the worst thing in the world.”
Maya wasn’t sure what she meant, but she tried and tried again.
- - -
Her first sleepover was in junior high. She’d been invited by a small group of classmates to participate, and it had been clear that some of them weren’t too certain of the idea. She knew the true reason why; Maya was lonely, and it showed. They felt sorry for her, a mere outsider to their friend group. It was as simple as that.
Her parents didn’t say anything against allowing her to go, which came as a surprise to her. So she went, not wanting to dismiss the small act of kindness offered to her. Maya sat through it with a stiff expression on her place, bearing no emotion as she took part in what little activity she knew how to commit to. She barely knew what most of the things they did were; failed to see the purpose of throwing pillows at each other, dressing up with silly outfits, playing confusing games and daring each other into doing nonsensical things.
They decided that she was putting a dampen on their night quickly enough, and Maya eventually ended up doing more watching rather than doing.
It was alienating.
They decided to watch a movie later in the night.
Maya couldn’t remember what it was, but from the little she paid attention to, she learnt one thing;-
She began answering 'I love you's with 'I know'.
- - -
Maya learnt the opposite of ‘I love you’ before she learnt what love was. She’d just received the lead role for her school’s play, as she always had every year.
Oddly enough, she understood the misguided note she found in her shoe cubby quicker than she could understand its opponent. Someone wasn’t happy with her achievement.
‘I hate you.’ It read, in bold black letters.
She found a thumbtack sitting in her shoe after that.
- - -
Her mother’s fingers thrummed impatiently on the desk, her other hand on the mouse as she scrolled through the document on her laptop distractedly. She only ever called Maya to her home-office to discuss important matters. Maya knew what this was about, as the most recent school year had just ended and her parents had received results of her performance for that year.
“Your records are exemplary, Maya.” She spoke, after what had to be about 10 minutes of Maya restraining herself from visibly fidgeting in her seat. She’d maintained her straight posture the entire time, sweat littering her brow in anticipation. “As expected.”
“Yes, mother.” She replied, rather stiffly.
“Keep this up.”
A nod of the head, eye contact maintained. “I will, mother.”
The woman finally turned to face her, tight lipped. “Don’t get distracted.”
“I won’t.”
Once she was excused, Maya heard her mother calling after her.
“I love you.”
Maya knew what the correct answer was. Yet, the words dropped into the space within her chest like a small stone. Dull and barely there. Vacant and without feeling.
“I know.” She replied, not checking to see if her mother heard her.
- - -
Her parents sent her off to Seisho without much in the way of conversation, only reminding her to give only her best, the best, as less shall not suffice.
As all the other parents around her hugged their teenagers goodbye at the front of the dormitory, Maya heard those three little words spoken all around her.
Her parents, however, never said it again.
- - -
Saijo Claudine became a new constant in her life from the day of entrance exams. She'd approached Maya, and their first encounter had Maya hoping that it would not be the last one. Maya had been relieved to see her present the day the acceptance list was announced. The blonde was standing a distance away, looking up smugly at the board as she'd read the kanjis to her Japanese given name attached second from the top.
She remembered how the blonde's parents had stood in front of Claudine's dorm room with her after they'd hauled her things in between the three of them, helped her put her bed together and assisted in unpacking a number of Claudine's belongings. Maya was just at her own door, left slightly ajar for the brunette to peek out and witness how Claudine was there, tucked in the midst of her parents' arms and blessed with a string of 'I love you's.
From then on, Claudine was everywhere.
It started small, but it had always been noticeable.
Saijo Claudine had eyes on her from the very beginning. And, to some extent, Maya's was too.
Their rooms were coincidentally right by each other, and Maya liked to think that they would have been roommates had they not each opted to pay the extra costs for individual spaces instead. Claudine was also next to her elsewhere; They had lockers right by one another. In their physical classes, Maya always found Claudine standing nearby, though she had a feeling it was not done consciously. They were partnered in most everything as a result,- and perhaps Maya liked it enough and couldn't imagine herself with anyone else that she would join Claudine as much as she could. Provided that it was within her control. Outside of classes, sometimes Claudine would see Maya eating alone at the cafeteria and come join her by her lonesome, huffing something about her being too prideful to join anyone, yet insisting that she receive company anyway. They seemed to always shower in the stalls next to each other as well, if only to hear the other sing softly to themselves.
It was always either one of them drawn to the other. Although Maya had to admit that for a while, it had always mostly been Claudine.
When Maya had done little to connect with their classmates, Claudine was the one to invite her to the courtyard one day, instead of sitting at their usual table. Several of their classmates were gathered underneath the shade of a gazebo, all of them heartily chatting together as they enjoyed a spread in the midst of them. Claudine stepped forward, gesturing for Maya to follow as the brunette cradled her bowl of oyakodon from the cafeteria rather timidly, unsure what to make of the situation.
That was when Claudine introduced her, saying her first name before stating her full name, as if the entirety of the country hadn't already known the prodigal child of famous thoroughbreds. But she said it so casually, so normally, as if Maya was simply another one of their classmates and nothing else, perhaps a wallflower, that could use a little bump of introduction as she was welcomed into their friend group.
On weekends, it had been Claudine to invite her out of her room when everyone else was lounging in the common room, already saving a seat for Maya. While everyone was wary of her, unsure what to make of the top student, Claudine had been the one to make conversation. She used to huff a lot, saying how Maya should stop being so insufferable with the amount of isolation she tended to do, as if she had no idea what to do with herself outside of performing.
Sometimes, with a show of half-heartedness, Claudine would take her out to the movies. She convinced the others to allow Maya to make the choices for movie night occasionally as well, and she remembered how surprised everyone had been when Maya claimed that her knowledge on animated movies was very limited - mainly because she hadn't been allowed such a form of entertainment growing up. The Disney movie marathon they had over the next weekend was an experience she wouldn’t forget for a long time.
Maya, having picked up a thing or two from the many ways of Claudine reaching out to her, drove herself to do the same. Some nights she’d come knocking against Claudine’s door, asking if they could do their homework together. Claudine would grumble then, saying Maya didn’t actually need her help with homework, and she could just ask for her company any time. As she complained about the apparent ‘inconvenience’, Maya would readily seat herself on the floor, watching as Claudine gathered her things from where she’d been sitting at her own desk to join her.
She tried to help Claudine in the kitchen once as the half-French bustled about with Nana and Mahiru. One blackened piece of bread had her shooed out, and from there Maya found that she didn’t mind watching them at work, making light conversations as they proceeded with the task.
Some things remained constant.
She’d wait for Claudine to finish up after classes, and they’d walk back to the dorms together.
She’d wait for Claudine at her lone table sometimes, only eating once the blonde had arrived.
She’d be the one to hold her hand out during classes, waiting for Claudine to accept, and she would.
She’d knock on Claudine’s door just to wish her goodnight, if Claudine hadn't come knocking first.
- - -
She found herself wondering if Claudine would say it.
She wondered if she would be able to say it back.
- - -
One day, Maya dared to ask. They were taking a break, seated next to each other with their backs against the wall, as they watched several of their friends twirl around each other. She waited for Claudine to finish taking a swig of her drink before speaking.
"Saijo-san, can I ask you a question?"
Absently, Claudine nodded. "What is it?"
Maya didn’t waste a second. "What is love?"
Claudine sputtered, taken completely by surprise at the sudden question. If Maya hadn’t waited for her to swallow the mouthful, she certainly would’ve done a spit-take.
“W-what!” The girl rushed to her feet rather clumsily. “That’s a stupid question! Go ask your parents or something!”
As she stomped away, Maya blinked after her in pure confusion, wondering what it was that had gotten Claudine’s face to flourish as red as a tomato in the matter of seconds.
- - -
Some people aren't shy about saying 'I love you', Maya realised.
Karen had a tendency to say it a lot. She would say it to Mahiru every time the girl did a favour for her, to Nana after she'd prepared a hearty meal. She'd say it to Junna sometimes, completely out of the blue, simply because she thought the girl should know it.
When she said it to Maya once, after the brunette had given her a rundown of a new dance move she'd missed due to oversleeping, Maya found herself stunned.
The drop of a stone into an empty, cold tunnel didn't make itself known in the vacant space of Maya's chest. Instead, she felt an unfamiliar warmth fill her, one that was, strangely enough, welcomed.
Maya couldn't help presenting her with a smile. She knew a response was only polite.
"I know."
Karen laughed.
- - -
A few days after approaching Claudine, Maya asked Nana. The girl was kind enough that she surely wouldn’t leave Maya hanging without an answer, she thought.
When she stated her question, Nana gave her a pitiful look that lasted a few seconds, as if she'd heard this question before - or at least, expected it.
"I guess it's different for everyone." The taller girl began, taking a seat next to Maya as she mulled over what to say.” To me it’s an emotion, but also so much more than that. Love is when… you have so much affection for someone. Or it can be applied to objects, or a concept. It’s when you care so much about someone or something you give your all into it. You have the person’s best interest as a priority in your life. Whenever you think of them, you are filled with so much love you just want what’s best for them.”
Maya remembered her childhood, a time when her parents saw her as a person, before her skills flaunted itself and it became their main focus of attention. They pushed her forward constantly, to the direction they wanted her to go. Never once asking what she wanted to do. Maybe her parents’ idea of love was different.
There were the classmates that tried to get her to spend time with them. She wasn’t sure if that was love. They felt sorry for her, but a part of Maya doubted that they actually cared. They never came to her assistance when she actually needed help - but then again, Maya was a private person. She kept her troubles to herself. That was mostly her fault, she thought. But they approached her when they needed help with schoolwork, to which Maya readily assisted. She wasn’t sure if that was love.
Then there were also those faceless schoolmates that left cruel notes, would hide her things and leave sharp objects where she could certainly hurt herself if she wasn’t paying attention. She was certain that wasn’t love. Having been in the public eye since she was a child, Maya knew what hate was.
In come Claudine. Claudine, admittedly, confused her. The girl reached out, introduced Maya into things she’d never thought she would enjoy, and acted as if she wasn’t interested when Maya was giving in return. Sometimes, she acted as if Maya was starved of… something, though Maya wasn’t sure what it was. Yet she was there to make up for it, in a way. She always asked what Maya wanted, and seemed to know when Maya wanted or needed something before the brunette herself even knew it. She reminded Maya to take breaks and she taught Maya that having reliable friends was important. She showed Maya that she didn’t have to be alone.
Maya wasn’t sure if that was love. Claudine never said it, and Maya wasn’t sure of it enough to say so.
“What does it mean when someone says it to someone else?” She asked Nana next, briefly wondering if the girl would walk away flustered as Claudine had.
“It means you’re letting them know how you feel.” Nana’s voice sounded tender, content. “That they are loved.”
Maya thought back to when Nana would spend her time cooking and baking for everyone, becoming someone that they could all rely on. How she always seemed to notice when someone hadn’t been taking care of themselves, when someone was feeling low or having a bad day. How she would spare words of encouragement now and again and make sure everyone felt seen. She remembered the time Nana noticed a slight tear in Maya’s sleeve, and had stopped what she was doing to sew it up for her.
It wasn’t too different to what Claudine had been doing, Maya decided. They were all selfless acts.
“Do you love us, then?”
Nana didn’t appear surprised by this question. She seemed to have been expecting it, as she beamed at Maya and gently leaned in for a hug that Maya hesitantly reciprocated.
“Of course. I love you, and all of our friends.”
- - -
For a little acting exercise in class, they were told to play lovers.
Maya's done it before; in her previous school, summer classes, in some of the plays and performances she'd ever been a part of.
And as she looked into Claudine's eyes, the person that was playing her lover - Maya always found herself partnered up with the girl, at first by force, earlier on in the year - then it evolved to become either one of their choices, because Claudine was always sitting nearby and it only made sense to reach out for the person right next to her. No matter the scenario, it just felt natural that they’d be partnered together.
Claudine looked at her as she gripped Maya’s elbows, earnest. She was always passionate about everything they did together.
Maya got into character and opened her mouth, putting up a believable front of a lovestruck lover.
"I love you." She said, as was written on the piece of paper she now had crumpled in her tracksuit pocket, feeling no emotion deep within her as it always had all the times before.
But she thinks, then, she didn't mind saying it to Claudine.
- - -
“Some weeks back, when you asked me what love is. Were you being serious?"
Maya’s eyes widened slightly, not expecting it to be brought up during their rehearsal. "Yes."
Claudine sighed, as if the notion exasperated her. But then she paused in the brunette’s hold after Maya twirled her twice, looking thoughtful.
"Well then… I guess I'll have to help you find it."
- - -
Claudine was angry at her for a while. She’d struck her down in the revue, claiming Position Zero as Maya looked down at the kneeling girl in front of her, glaring at her out of fierce magenta irises.
Maya wondered if she should’ve let her win, if it was in Claudine’s best interest to beat her.
- - -
Kaoruko and Futaba had an argument.
Before they reconciled, Maya found the former sitting by herself in the school courtyard, staring off distractedly into the distance.
She knew she should’ve probably left the girl to think over whatever it was on her mind. Yet, instead of walking away, Maya registered herself approaching, asking if she’d like some company. The girl simply stated that Maya could do what she wanted, as that was apparently something anyone can do anyways.
So she stayed.
Maya launched the question again, curious to see what Kaoruko’s answer may be.
The blue-haired girl gave her an odd look, dropping a crude joke about Futaba and Claudine that completely flew over Maya’s head. Then she settled, apologising - something Kaoruko loathed to do, Maya noted. When she was given a full detailed rundown of several different types of love; platonic forms of love of borderline familial, friendship and kinship, as well as romantic love, Maya decided that the girl was wiser than she’d let on.
- - -
Some days later, Claudine thanked her. She thanked her for besting her in everything, for being the person she needed to drag her down from her high horse. From all the pride and praise she’d been fed as a child. She spoke of how chasing after Maya made her realise that she had her limits as well, that she wasn’t the perfect picture of herself she always believed she was, by diminishing her arrogance and leading her to embrace the better part of herself.
Maya wanted to thank her too. For being someone that noticed her, all of her. For being someone that brought Maya out, not Tendo Maya - someone that took the time to get to know her.
The words stayed stuck in her throat.
- - -
Maya found a way to tell her without using those three little words.
Claudine, she thought, was cute when she cried.
- - -
When Karen lost her radiance, Maya wondered if she lost her ability to love with her.
Then she worked as far as to translate Hikari’s copy of the Starlight play, completing the entire story and understanding how the tragedy was only a tragedy because it was accepted as such. So she changed it, refused to stop loving, until she was reunited with Hikari again.
She never lost her ability to love, nor had she ever given up on it. Maya wondered if her love will ever be that strong.
- - -
Loving was easy, Maya realised, once you stopped being afraid of it.
She spent time together with Claudine as normally as they always had. Though Maya noticed that she’d gotten closer, they both had. Claudine joked with her about crabs and potatoes, made fun of her eating habits and joined her, ending up with a stomach ache the first time. They played board games, and Maya always lost whenever they pulled out dōbutsu shōgi. They sang together, sometimes, and danced around the common room to the sound of funky music playing, showcasing the goofiest movements between the two of them. From the way they were so absorbed in themselves, going by no rules, only their own - no one would believe that they were highly trained, extremely talented dancers.
Normal, joyful activities. No expectations.
One day, Claudine stayed in her arms for a moment longer than necessary, even after the music they were practising to had long since ended. It was a normal day as any, no special occasion, no particular event to work towards. Just a dance between them. Maya wrapped her arms taut against her partner's torso, breathing in the tranquil atmosphere surrounding them. This was nice, she thought. She wanted it to last forever, even though it couldn’t possibly be so.
But then, as those magenta eyes peered up at her, eyes aflame with a glow of its own, Maya dared let herself believe.
"Je t'aime."
The words were spoken so suddenly, Claudine’s soft expression morphed into a gentle smirk as she watched the brunette's clear surprise. It took Maya a moment, the use of French catching her off guard. It was a phrase she knew, but never said. When she finally understood, she smiled, leaning her forehead against Claudine's as she heaved a content sigh.
It was the same words, spoken in another language - and yet, it lacked the emotion Maya had grown to associate it with - lacked the dread, the hollow emptiness of the care her lonely heart craved. Instead it filled her heart with a feeling that felt so, so good, it was almost intoxicating. It was like a warm hug, a form of care and comfort that she’d yearned for for years.
She decided she liked it.
"I know."
Maya laughed lightly at the way the blonde scrunched up her nose ever so adorably before tugging Claudine closer to her chest, breath teasing against her freckled nose as she moved in to close the distance.
Just like that, dreaded words became ones spoken with pure adoration, a genuinity she hadn't known she was capable of until that very moment.
"I love you too."
- - -