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"Hey Moony, is that a mirror in your pocket?"
Remus turned around and frowned, his brows knitting together. "What?"
"I said," Sirius smirked. "Is that a mirror in your pocket?"
"What are you—" Remus pat his back pocket, feeling around for whatever Sirius was commenting on "—I haven't got anything in my pocket."
"Are you sure? Because I can see myself in your pants."
Remus blinked. "What?"
"Are you French?"
"Sirius, you know I'm Welsh. You went to Wales last summer to stay with me for a week."
"Well, Eiffel for you."
Remus sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Are you done?"
Sirius' smirk widened as he dug through his pocket, pulling a Galleon from its depths. "If I flip this coin, what're the chances of me getting head?"
"No," Remus shook his head, turning on his heel and stomping back toward the common room. "Absolutely not."
"Hey Moons," Sirius said, sliding onto the bench next to him, filling a goblet with pumpkin juice.
"Sirius, I swear to Merlin," Remus grumbled under his breath, piling sausages and eggs onto his plate. "It is too fucking early—"
"You're right, you must be exhausted."
"Yes. Thank you—"
"Because you were running through my mind all night."
"I can't stand you," Remus deadpanned, his fork stabbed through a sausage. "I truly cannot stand to be around you. That bloody book is going to drive me to insanity."
James snickered across the table, choking a bit on his tea. "Oh come on, Moony. It's funny!"
"It is not. They're terrible at best," Remus rolled his eyes, shoving a forkful into his mouth.
"You must know a few good ones," Peter chimed in. "He did find the book at a muggle shop."
"What does that have to do with anything?" Remus asked.
"Well you know, since your mum is a muggle…"
"Peter, you don't honestly believe this is how muggles court one another, do you?"
Peter's round cheeks reddened as he ducked his head, "I thought…"
"My God, do any of you pay attention in Muggle Studies?" Remus tutted, going back to his breakfast.
The next three weeks continued much the same. Remus was accosted by Sirius and his terrible pickup lines every spare moment they had. He'd taken to hiding out in the library between classes and avoiding the dormitories until he knew Sirius would be asleep or, at the very least, off causing mayhem with James.
It could be exhausting to date Sirius Black. Remus spent about seventy percent of his time wondering why the hell he'd even fallen for his friend (the other thirty percent was spent with his lips crushed against said friend's—but that was neither here nor there).
Although, if he were being honest with himself, he knew exactly why he'd fallen for Sirius. Regardless of Sirius' sudden penchant for bad pickup lines and terribly crude jokes, he was lovely in a way that not many people got to witness.
But, Remus was given the chance to see it daily in hidden smiles meant just for him and sweet notes passed during lessons.
Remus sat in the library, staring at a page he wasn't actually comprehending as he daydreamed about last weekend's outing at Hogsmeade. James and Peter had spent the day in detention with Filch after an unfortunate prank involving Flobberworm mucous being combined with Everlasting Foam, leaving Remus and Sirius to wander the village on their own. After a hearty lunch at The Three Broomsticks, they'd spent the rest of the afternoon glued to one another on the hill overlooking the Shrieking Shack, a little private place no one dared to venture to for fear of the sordid rumours surrounding the shack.
Remus' lips still tingled from the pull of Sirius' teeth and the irrational, teenage side of him felt giddy and warm at the memory of his hands in Sirius' hair.
"Moonpie," Sirius' voice sang from over the table, pulling his attention from the giant tome he was attempting to study.
"Pads," Remus greeted cautiously, waiting for the ghastly line he knew would be coming.
"Kiss me if I'm wrong," Sirius pulled out the chair next to him, falling into it with a grace that Remus deeply admired. "But, dinosaurs still exist, right?"
Remus smirked, "There are Muggle scientists that have evidence to suggest that birds are actually ancestors of dinosaurs, so technically, yes. They do. Plus, it would be mad to think dragons aren't somehow part of the dinosaur genus. Furthermore—"
"Okay, okay you swot. You win. Just kiss me, yeah?"
Remus checked over his shoulder, making sure they were alone, before leaning in to press his lips against Sirius' in a chaste, sweet kiss. He could feel Sirius' lips pull into a smile against his as his hand wrapped around the back of Remus' neck, deepening the kiss with a swipe of his tongue against Remus'.
"Oi. In the library? Really? Is nothing sacred?"
Remus felt his cheeks burn as he pulled away from Sirius. "Sorry, Prongs."
"I'm not. Why'd you interrupt us?" Sirius pouted, sending a glare to James.
Peter pulled the chair out across from Remus, nearly toppling over a stack of books as he plopped into it. "We're meant to be studying for that Charms exam."
"You're meant to be studying," Sirius corrected. "I don't need to study."
"Your last essay says otherwise," Remus mumbled under his breath, eyes going back to his book.
"Rude," Sirius poked him in the side, digging his finger into Remus' ribs until he squirmed.
"Moon of my sky," Sirius crowded into the loo, nearly pushing Remus against the sink.
Remus spit his mouthful of toothpaste into the basin, "What?"
"I just got back from the Hospital wing."
Remus' eyes went wide, "What? What happened?" He immediately began pulling at Sirius' arms, turning them over, looking for any marks or abrasions. The moon had been the night before and while Sirius hadn't said he'd been injured, it wouldn't surprise Remus to know he'd feigned being fine until Remus felt better.
"I thought you said it went okay?" Remus turned Sirius around, tugging his shirt up to check his back, "You said the wolf wasn't that rough this time. I thought—"
"Madam Pomfrey said I have a severe deficiency of Vitamin U."
Remus dropped his hands, catching Sirius' eye in the mirror with a scathing look. "Are you fucking kidding me right now?" He cuffed Sirius on the back of the head, "I thought I hurt you, you absolute wanker."
Remus stormed out of the loo, shoving past a cackling James and Peter to his bed.
"Remus, it's funny," James insisted, wiping a tear of mirth from beneath his glasses.
"It is not funny! Not when I could have actually hurt one of you," Remus argued. "For the love of everything that is good, can you please give it a rest?"
"Not until you give us a good line," Sirius laughed, changing into his pyjamas. "Come on, just one good one. I know you've got one in you."
"These—" Remus swiped the thin book off Sirius' nightstand. It was no more than fifty pages of codswallop called How to Woo and Win the Woman in Your Life and Remus sincerely doubted it was written by anyone who had ever wooed and won over another human being. A troll—maybe. But, even that was being generous. "—are completely ridiculous. There is nothing in this book that would win any person over."
Remus opened the book and began flipping through the pages, scoffing at the absurdity of the advice on them.
"Just pick one!" James said, "Any one of them would work on Padfoot."
Remus rolled his eyes, picking the first, least offensive one he came across. "Fine," he huffed, turning to Sirius. "Is your dad a boxer?"
Sirius cocked his head to the side, "No. He's just abusive."
"Because you're a—oh. Oh, god. Oh my fucking god. Sirius, I'm sorry. I am so sorry."
Sirius shrugged, "It's fine. I mean, I guess I'm just confused as to why you'd think he was a boxer—"
"No. No, no, no. That's not—Sirius that isn't—"
"That's more of a muggle sport. Plus, boxers don't usually hit their own kids, you know?"
Remus deflated, the book slipping from his hands to hit the floor with a soft thud. He rushed forward, pulling Sirius into his arms, "I am so sorry, Padfoot." He kissed the side of Sirius' face, his head, his shoulder, "I didn't—I just picked one at random."
James, on the other hand, was howling with laughter from his bed while Peter at least had the decency to contain his behind the guise of a cough.
"Fuck, Moony. That one was…Circe's tits, that was bad."
"Shut up, James," Remus hissed, tightening his arms around Sirius' neck. He pressed his lips against his forehead, "I am so sorry. That was completely thoughtless."
"What was the punchline?" Sirius mumbled against his shirt, his hands slowly creeping down to squeeze Remus' bum.
"Because you're a knockout," Remus said miserably. Usually, he'd remove Sirius' hands from his arse, but given he'd just fucked up monumentally with a terrible pickup line, he let it slide.
"You think I'm a knockout, Moons?"
Remus pulled back, looking down at Sirius' face. He tucked a few stray hairs behind his ear, leaning down to catch his lips. "Of course I do."
Sirius smiled into the kiss, "It's a win, then."
"I've got one!"
Remus sighed in exasperation, throwing his head back against the sofa. "I thought we were done with that terrible book?"
"Maybe you are," James looked up from the parchment he was scribbling on, "But we've been having fun with it. Did you know it says you're supposed to wait at least three days before ringing on the fellytone after your first date?"
"Telephone," Remus corrected, absently. "Why would you wait that long?" he baulked at the idea of it. The mere thought of three days of silence after a date made his anxiety spike.
"So you don't seem too desperate," James explained as if it was the most obvious thing he'd ever heard. "Duh, Moony."
"I said I've thought of one," Peter repeated, eyes wide with excitement.
"Well, go on then, Wormy," Sirius said, waving a hand at him. "Let's hear it."
"Are you a bogey?"
"I don't like where this is going," Remus muttered.
"Because I'd pick—"
"Because I'd fuck you," Peter said proudly, beaming with excitement.
James stopped writing, laying his quill down and looking back up from his notes. "Erm, Wormy, I don't think that's—"
"It's 'because I'd pick you,' Pete," Sirius said slowly, looking at Peter with concern. "You know that don't you?"
"I know what I said," Peter stood his ground.
"That's not…Pete, you wouldn't fuck a bogey," James tried to explain, looking at Remus and Sirius with alarm. "That's…You wouldn't…"
"I know what I said," Peter levelled James with a look.
"I can't tell if he's kidding," Remus whispered into Sirius' ear.
"Neither can I," Sirius admitted. He sat up a bit on the sofa, pulling his arm from behind Remus' back. "Wormtail, you don't…not with bogeys…do you?"
Peter smirked and settled in the armchair, opening up a book and grabbing a quill from the stack next to James.
"I'm deeply concerned for you," Remus voiced, staring at Peter. "Mate, if you need to talk to someone—"
"I was kidding," Peter finally relieved the tension in the room, laughing as he began to look over his notes. "You should see your faces."
"I'm still not convinced he's kidding," Sirius mumbled under his breath, leaning back into Remus' side.
It was only a matter of time until one of these terrible lines was used on Lily Evans, Remus knew, but he'd hoped that James would have run it by him first. Given that he was the only one of them that was friendly with Lily and even—dare he say—on good terms with her, Remus had really hoped that James would ask him if it was one worth sharing.
He would have said no—no matter which line James picked from the book. But, he would have liked to at least give Lily a heads up to expect some grotesque attempt at a pickup.
There were a few in the book that may have spared James a hex. Ones like "if you were a vegetable, you'd be a cute-cumber" or "your hand looks heavy, can I hold it for you?" were relatively inoffensive and even if unwanted, would probably only gain James a glare or a huff of annoyance and an eyeroll.
But, there were plenty of other ones in the book that would put him at risk of painful pulsating pustules or having his kneecaps reversed and Remus was relishing in the limited comfort offered by the New Moon. He really didn't fancy having to drag James to Madam Pomfrey for being hexed by Lily Evans…again.
They were in the common room enjoying the music playing from the record player that Marlene had brought back after the Christmas Hols. Remus lounged across the sofa, a novel in hand his mum had sent him that he hadn't had time to read yet. It was quite entertaining. A fantastical story of dragons and knights and Merlin; not at all accurate in the least, but a good escape from the everyday worry of exams, nonetheless.
Lily, Marlene, and Mary were dancing to the pop tune wailing from the speaker while a few of the younger years bobbed their heads along. Peter had just sorted some snacks out from the kitchens, his arms full of cakes and crisps that he dumped onto a table before sitting on the floor in front of the couch, wordlessly passing Remus a chocolate bar.
"Ta, Wormtail," Remus smiled, setting his open book on his chest as he opened the chocolate. "Where's Padfoot and Prongs?"
Peter shrugged, swallowing a mouthful of cheese, "In the dorms, I think. Haven't seen them for a while."
"They didn't take the cloak, did they?" Remus sighed, wondering what hell he'd have to rescue them from if they got caught.
Peter shook his head, shoving another cracker into his mouth. "No. I took it when I went down to the kitchens," he held up a fistful of iridescent fabric. "S'right here."
Remus frowned as Peter returned the cloak to his side, munching away on cheese and crackers. He sat up and looked around the common room, craning his neck to see if he could spot the soft waves of Sirius' black hair or a glimpse of James' copper skin.
He sighed in resignation, wondering if he'd ever get a Saturday night where he could just relax and not worry about what his best friend and boyfriend were getting into. Probably not, he thought with some fondness, but he'd had an hour or so of peace and that would have to do for now.
Just as he moved to stand up, intending to make his way up to the dormitory to see what James and Sirius were plotting, he saw them stumble down the stairs, giddy with laughter, a thin book clutched in James' hands.
"Hey, Evans!"
"Oh no," Remus breathed, watching as James approached Lily and her friends with a wide smile on his face.
"Potter," Lily raised an eyebrow.
"Hey. Erm…I uh…I heard you need a stud."
"What?"
"Oh no," Remus sighed again, leaping up from the comfort of lumpy cushions and velvet. "James—"
"Shh, Moony. Let him try it," Sirius interrupted, swooping in to guide Remus back toward the couch.
"I heard you need a stud," James repeated, far more confident this time.
"I don't follow," Lily said, bored irritation edging into her voice.
"Well, I have the S T D, all I need is U."
Remus' eyes bulged as Lily's jaw dropped. Sirius was smiling widely, like the cat that got the cream, nearly bouncing as he waited for Lily's response.
Marlene choked on the Butterbeer she'd just brought to her lips, staring at James with wide-eyed amusement.
"That," Lily seethed, "Is disgusting."
"What—no. No, it's…you didn't hear me properly," James cleared his throat and spoke louder, "I said I have the S T D and all I need is U—"
A resounding crack echoed around the room as Lily smacked James across the face, her cheeks turning red with anger, "That is foul, James Potter. Don't you ever speak to me again, you disgusting beast."
Lily turned on her heel and stomped up the stairs, Mary trailing behind her.
James looked completely confused as he sank onto the couch next to Remus, holding his cheek.
"She touched me this time. That's progress, isn't it?"
"Sure, Prongs," Sirius chuckled, patting James' shoulder.
Remus opened and closed his mouth a few times before clearing his throat. "Just out of curiosity, what is it that you think STD stands for?"
"Oh, this should be good," Marlene laughed, sitting on the floor across from Peter and nabbing one of his crackers. "Let's hear it, Potter."
"Super Terrific Dude, obviously," James said earnestly, looking between Remus and Sirius for confirmation. "Isn't it?"
"Oh that is…that is fucking hilarious," Marlene howled, falling onto her side as her body shook with laughter. "My God, you are an idiot."
"Is that not..?" James looked at Remus, "What does it mean then?"
"Sirius," Remus spoke slowly, turning toward him. "What do you think it means?"
Sirius suddenly looked rather nervous, "I…I thought…I don't know. I thought maybe it meant like…Silly Tiny Dick or something."
Remus scrubbed his face with his hands while Marlene continued to choke on her mirth, sputtering as she attempted to catch her breath.
"Purebloods are all fucking stupid," she cackled. "Oh my god, does no one in this bloody school take Muggle Studies? They did an entire term on Muggle diseases!"
"Diseases?" James inhaled sharply, gripping Remus' arm. "What kind of diseases? What did I just—"
"STD is an acronym. It stands for Sexually Transmitted Diseases."
"Sexually Transmitted…I just told Evans I have a diseased cock?" James shrieked, covering his face with his hands.
Marlene wailed, her fists pounding the ground next to her. "Good god, this is fucking perfect. Truly. This night could not get any better."
"Wait, muggles get sex diseases?" Sirius gasped in horror, his eyes wide.
"I'm sure some of them do, considering there's an acronym for it," Remus said. "Pregnancy isn't the only thing muggles have to worry about with sex. There are probably magical diseases as well, but given the abysmal health education we received I don't think—"
"Now is not the time for you to be a swot, Remus," Sirius cut him off, his voice rising to an alarming pitch. "Sex diseases. Does it…does your prick like…fall off? Oh god, I think I'm going to be sick."
Remus inhaled slowly, turning his eyes to the ceiling as if it would help his friends be any less ignorant on the subject. "Can we please be done with that awful book now?"
"Yes," James said emphatically, moving toward the hearth. "I never want to see this thing again."
With that, James chucked the book into the fire.
"Hey, Remus," Marlene sat up.
"Yeah?"
"Do you like Star Wars?"
Remus stared at her for a moment, baffled by the sudden change of subject. "I saw it in the cinema with my mum last summer, why?"
"Because Yoda only one for me."
Remus groaned, shaking his head as Sirius stood up.
"No," he shouted, pointing at Marlene. "No. No more," he turned to Remus, "And what the fuck is a Yoda?"