Work Text:
Aira was carrying Hiiro on his back.
Hiiro’s feet would occasionally drag across the ground, to which Aira would do a little jump in response to keep him up properly. His arms and legs were admittedly starting to become tired now, but this was really the least he could do for Hiiro. Especially after seeing him like that…
It was an unusual sight; Hiiro, whose voice always spoke so clearly with confidence, was now shushed down to a tone so quiet, enough so that sometimes Aira couldn’t even pick up what he was saying. He could easily recall his voice wavering, sounding as if tears could spill at any moment, a poignant memory that Aira wouldn’t forget in a while. There was some sort of thing that gripped at Aira’s chest seeing him in such a detached state. He’d always get irritated at him whenever Hiiro spoke too loud, too much, or even too honestly, but now that the enthusiasm got washed out of him, just like how he’d supposedly expressed before this was what he’d wanted, it felt weird. Maybe even wrong.
Speaking of wrong, perhaps Aira should apologize. He didn’t exactly do anything to prompt Hiiro’s upset, but he did regret getting mad at him upon first glance of finding him. Aira had been running around under the moon for who knows how long, the street lights being the only thing helping him in trying to find Hiiro near the Starmony Dorm area, and of course the first thing that he had to say to him was: “You idiot!”
Replaying the scene, he quickly remembered the part where Hiiro made the sudden gesture while Aira was on call with Mayoi. A tight grasp—no, a hug from behind. When he turned his head, Hiiro’s face was close, so close, enough to render Aira speechless for a moment. His expression had been one of sorrow, almost as if longing for something. Could it have been comfort? …Was Aira doing a good job of that so far? Probably not, that apology should come out right about now. He took a deep breath.
“Aira,” Hiiro spoke instead.
Perhaps the apology would have to wait a little longer. “Yeah…?”
“Am I getting too heavy for you?” He asked. “You don’t have to carry me anymore; I’m not quite sure if I’m physically injured anywhere so you’re more than welcome to put me down.”
His limbs were getting tired. His body did want to put Hiiro down. He was nowhere near having a well-built physique like Hiiro, so it was only natural that he was struggling. But his words decided to ignore this, betraying his body. “It’s fine.”
He wanted to stay like this; where he could feel everything. He found comfort in the close proximity that they shared, particularly now, when Hiiro felt so distant. The light breathing of Hiiro, the smell of his shampoo that they would share at the dorm; tinged with the natural scent of his own. He liked it. He liked everything about this moment. Well, maybe other than his aching body.
“Are you being honest right now, Aira?” Hiiro’s unusually soft voice came closer as he tilted his head forward, now meeting Aira’s gaze. Aira felt his pace slow down, but in opposition to this, for some unknown reason his heart certainly was not. Hiiro’s stupidly pretty eyes explored through Aira’s, and the unwavering eye contact made him feel tense. He hadn’t noticed that his steps had come to a full stop.
“Ah, I…” Before he even got the chance to give a proper response, he felt his hands slide away from Hiiro’s legs, and he could feel the light breeze on his back again. It had become over.
“You shouldn’t push yourself over your own limits, I wouldn’t want you to get hurt because of this.” Part of Aira’s short-lived dejection faded away, as Hiiro’s unintentional way of gaining his fondness worked as per usual. It was silly for him to pick at small details like this, but whenever Hiiro showed care for him, it felt so real and genuine; not something out of plain courtesy or moral gratitude. There really weren’t two ways about it, because this was Hiiro.
Aira’s tone in response came out as gentle—“I said it was fine, you didn’t have to think about me.” If his apology was going to be delayed, perhaps he could show it through his behavior instead.
He could still feel Hiiro’s eyes piercing upon him as if he hadn’t already gotten a response yet, but Aira remained to focus his own to the sidewalk in front of him. Filling in the silence had never been Aira’s forte, as Hiiro usually was the one whose mind thought of things that would come out in words, having nothing to hide. Such an attribute that Aira envied, to be able to speak freely without having to filter the thoughts in his head before saying them aloud. Even now, with his mind currently preoccupied with Hiiro, never in a million years would he be able to admit out loud to his scattered, messy thoughts.
It seemed as though Hiiro’s waiting had finally come to an end, as Aira no longer felt eyes watching him. Through his peripheral vision, he saw Hiiro’s head turn slightly down, until his eyes were now focused on every step he was taking.
“…Aira, what can I do to be needed?”
Aira’s eyes widened a fraction, and he looked at Hiiro. The question sounded foreign with Hiiro’s voice attached to it, and then that tugging in his chest that had died down a bit came back in an instant, making his heart suddenly feel heavy again.
“Wh—wait, what’re you saying all of a sudden?”
“Nii-san doesn’t seem to have a purpose for me anymore. So then what could I do to…” His words trailed off to a silence, leaving Aira with the need to respond.
“Well, even if you were to ask me about it…I still don’t know too much of the relationship that you had or even currently have with your brother…So I don’t think that’s something that I could give you the answer to.” Aira’s mind suddenly darted back to the word Hiiro had used.
Needed.
He looked at Hiiro. “Just to be clear, Hiro-kun. I’d feel lonely without you.” This thought of Aira’s was an honest one; one that didn’t need to be filtered, one that could even be said aloud. It certainly felt different, but he wouldn’t mind getting used to this if it were only for a little while.
And at this, Hiiro seemed to meet his gaze. “Lonely…” he repeated, the word far-flung on his tongue yet the emotion itself feeling familiar. “But you’d still have Mayoi-senpai and Tatsumi-senpai with you though?”
Aira blinked at Hiiro, as if he’d just heard one of the most obvious things known to man. He let out a sigh, shaking it off. “Well yeah, but you’re—” That’s not something he could say out loud yet. Maybe another time. “—Sure, I really do love both Mayo-san and Tattsun-senpai, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be sad without you.”
“Then does Aira need me?”
“…I mean if you put it like that, then I guess. But you make it sound so serious!” Except a single look at Hiiro was enough to immediately remind Aira that, exactly, it’s because it’s so serious to him that had made him like this in the first place and—right, his apology. “Sorry. If it really does help you go back to being the unnecessarily-energetic-Hiro-kun, then I’ll say it as many times as you need me to until you’re satisfied.”
Hiiro’s expression shifted a little, to something that could possibly be seen as a trace of hope forming in his eyes. A small discrepancy from his current demeanor at last. “Thank you.”
Aira smiled at the outcome of his own efforts, the warmth in his chest growing, either from being proud of himself or glad looking at Hiiro, he couldn’t tell. And now really wasn’t the time, but the way the moon spilled its light onto Hiiro really made him look so…
“You’re rather omniscient on most things regarding emotions…could this be because you can directly empathize with them?” He paused. “…Is this feeling of abandonment familiar to Aira?”
“Huh?” Why is Hiro-kun asking the weirdest questions tonight? Sure, he had always been inquisitive on pretty much just about everything, but even so, why—“Why is this about me all of a sudden? We’re talking about you here, idiot.”
Hiiro’s eyes subtly did that thing, the thing that for some reason Aira could never say no to. He swallowed, sighing as he began to speak again. “Well…
“…When I first joined ALKALOID, I thought you were just like me—an underachiever who couldn’t dance or sing exceptionally that well yet, but we would learn at the same pace together in order to improve to become proper idols.” Normally Aira would’ve stopped around here, but something in him wanted to continue, and so he did:
“Not only were we both dropouts, but you didn’t even have the slightest clue as to what idols were! It was almost comforting to see someone below me for once, you know…But after seeing you during practice for the first time, it’s like I immediately noticed the barrier that’s always been in between us all along. It was…so frustrating.”
Oh god.
He’s said it all.
An incessant thought of his that was meant to be hidden away, kept secret from the rest of the world and only Aira was allowed to know, had now been all disclosed to Hiiro. Something that was locked far away in the back of his mind for months, and even Aira swore to himself that he wouldn’t bring it up again after he cried over it in front of everyone in ALKALOID, only bringing more worries and embarrassing himself along with it. Aira focused his gaze onto his steps, and he found himself swallowing hard, his throat immediately feeling constricted. Each step he watched carefully started to become blurry, and in an attempt to make it go away he began blinking rapidly. Looking at Hiiro might as well just be the hardest task in the world right now.
And his gaze. Being watched. He didn’t know what to say next. Another apology? His last one was so subtle it didn’t even count as one—except apologies to Hiiro weren’t really his thing. He should really look at him now. Look. Look. Look.
Trapped in his own swirl of thoughts, he jolted upon feeling a sudden touch. The movement was slow and gentle, with a hand bigger than his own covering his palm, and fingers wrapping around his loose, hanging hand. This sort of contact was unfamiliar to Aira. But for whatever reason, at this moment his heart had already welcomed this unfamiliarity, as he felt it being freed from the weight it was carrying. Except the feeling pitifully lasted only for less than a second, for when the action finally reached his brain to discern the current situation, his heart instead felt tight, yet a different type of tightness than felt before, with it resulting in beating twice as fast. He quickly turned to face Hiiro, a job he found that could be done with such ease.
But the face displayed in front of him was far beyond Aira’s expectations, as Hiiro choked out his next words with a sheepish smile, breath unsteady at first: “That makes the two of us then…!”
Aira found himself only being able to stare.
They were abandoned for completely different reasons, one definitely more valid than the other, and yet Aira felt the nerve to share his experience with the person that initially was causing his problems…Was this really okay? Was it alright for Aira to feel this way? Why was Hiiro so…
Why was Hiiro so kind?
Another spiral of Aira’s overthinking, but this one ended short with the reminder of their hands holding each other’s, and the look on Hiiro’s face that was enough to make Aira tear up as well.
He reached his free hand up, gently wiping the other’s tears. “Stupid Hiro-kun,” he softly chuckled, and at this Hiiro breifly joined along. “Tears don’t suit you at all.”
“Neither do they for you,” Hiiro said back. “Except I think you still look pretty no matter what expression you have on, Aira.”
Aira’s heart seemed to flutter at this odd and somewhat unnecessary statement, his brain scattering at an attempt to choose his next arrangement of words. “That’s…That’s only natural, because I’m an idol after all!”
Seriously, how was Hiiro able to say these things with such a nonchalant expression?
Hiiro only laughed at Aira’s reply, the sound fading as he seemed to focus on something else on his mind, something that would happen often with Hiiro—to Aira, at least. His eyes wouldn’t wander, instead, they held their gaze upon something. In this case, it was the direction the two were walking in. This came to an end when Hiiro looked into Aira’s eyes.
“Would it be okay if we stayed like this for a little longer?”
Aira thought for a moment, trying to pinpoint what Hiiro meant by this. His grip slightly squeezed Hiiro’s warm hand.
“…Yeah.”