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Chapter Text

Misato had no idea what to do.

Shinji wasn't eating. He wasn't drinking. He listlessly shuffled around the apartment, did the absolute minimum that was asked of him on a daily basis, and then disappeared again. He barely talked. She didn't even know if he was sleeping. Presumably yes, she would know if he wasn't, but she still wasn't sure. She wasn't going to bother him about it, he had gotten very good at broadcasting "don't talk to me" vibes. Still, she was his guardian...mom...something more, she wished, but he hadn't pulled the trigger on that, and something told her that he wouldn't for a while.

"Shinji?"

No response.

"I'm...working overnight again, so...dinner's on you again, okay?"

No response. She let out a small sigh, turned and looked briefly and painfully at the empty room labelled ASUKA'S ROOM, and left.

He stared at the ceiling. He needed to get out. Not run away, just...not in this bed. Not in this room. There were things he needed to think about that necessitated a change of scenery. But just where that would be...he didn't know. Unit 1? He'd get caught in an instant. The lake? Maybe. The bath? Too late, it'd be closed. Lilith? He'd get caught and be in massive trouble. Maybe the lake was the best chance he had. He just needed to talk to someone, and he wasn't sure the lake would provide. But it was sunset. Maybe it would. He grabbed a ramen cup, an UCC from the fridge, and took a trek.

The world he'd arrived in what felt so long ago was nearly obliterated from the face of the Earth, his school, the two people outside of NERV he could call "friends" far away at this point. Two people he'd known personally were now dead, another hospitalized indefinitely, another working 12, 14, 16 hour days. Tokyo-3 was in a Seclusion Zone, and so was Shinji Katsuragi. He parked himself on the rocky beach, the humid air silent save for insect noises and the lapping of water. He figured to start a fire for the water for his ramen. For all of his shortcomings skill-wise, starting a fire was not one of them. The flames licked higher as they reached the strategic kindling and paper, eventually burning brightly, so brightly someone across the lake probably could've seen it, despite it being rather small still. He sighed happily.

"Ah, fire," said a familiar voice. "The Lilins' finest achievement."

Shinji nearly had a heart attack.

Tabris gave a familiar smile. "I'm never leaving you, Shinji."

"Ka-Ka-Ka-"

"Tabris is fine. We're not speaking as fellow Lilin anymore." His eyes gleamed. "I am and always have been an Angel. It's time we talked about that."

"How are you here?!"

"I'm but a projection of your mind...kind of. You're talking to yourself, such as it is. But we both know you're talking to me."

"There's an Angel in me?"

"In a manner of speaking. I wonder why. I thought you hated them--us."

"I...I do, but..."

"Do you even know what Angels are, Shinji?"

Shinji fumbled with his words as he set up the water to boil. He cracked open the UCC. "Something, something to do with Adam, but...so many holes...so many things still in the dark..."

"We're just as biological, organic, pulsing with life as you Lilin, Shinji," Tabris said. "Do not think of Children of Adam as cold machines, for we are not. We feel pain, just as you do."

"I'm listening, Tabris. I'm listening to you. Enlighten me, Tabris."

Tabris smiled thinly. "Mm. Said like a prayer, almost? Interesting."

"The Angels are...are worthy of prayer."

"But we are equal to you, in a manner of speaking. From a different Seed of Life, sure, but Adam and Lilith are equals. Why are we deserving of prayer?"

"Because the Angels are terrifying and beautiful to behold."

"Was I terrifying?"

"Yes, yes you were. You scared me. You had a veneer of terror."

"And was I beautiful?"

"Yes, by the true name of the Unknown One, you were. The most beautiful creature I've ever beheld."

"High praise, considering the Lilin you surround yourself with." The edges of Tabris's mouth curled slightly. Is this his idea of a joke? Shinji thought.

"Uh...you were saying that Angels felt pain, like Lilin."

"Ah, yes. We do. Do you know of the Trees of Knowledge and Life?"

Shinji shook his head. "They don't tell us a lot of things."

"Mm. Well, the Unknown One imbued the Children of Adam with the Fruit of the Tree of Life, and the Children of Lilith with the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge. For Lilin, this manifested as your capacity for evolution. It's reductive to say that the Fruit of Knowledge was just science. Remember, all life on Earth, even me, comes from Lilith's blood. Evolution is the defining characteristic of Children of Lilith. And for Lilin specifically, that evolution isn't just the ability to physically evolve, but also cognitively. You can hypothesize and experiment and change thoughts based on new information."

Shinji looked out towards the opposite edge of the lake, too much in pain to see if Tabris was on his rock or not. "And Angels don't evolve?"

"Not really. We got the Fruit of Life...except me, of course. An Angel in a Lilin form. The Fruit of Life is those S2 Engines your organization is so fixated on. Slightly amusing to me, if I'm being honest. Like if Angels tried to invent the entirety of the Lilin brain beyond the basal ganglia."

"I see."

"I knew you would. You were always more intuitive when someone gave you a chance."

"And if you were an Angel in a Lilin form..." Shinji started connecting dots. "Is that why you were so comfortable with me in the bath?"

Tabris smiled more this time. "Yes, Shinji, it is. Angels have no conception of human constructions such as gender. The form I took around you, the form you may or may not see right now, was the one I was born into, but I had a free choice in how I saw myself."

Shinji gasped slightly, his brow furrowing in realization as the water started to reach a boil. Oh no.

"Tabris, I...I think I might be an Angel."

Tabris's smile diminished a little, and he took on a more serious demeanor. "I'm sorry, Shinji, but that's impossible."

"But, I feel the same way about that as you did."

"Do you not feel like a man?"

"NO! Dear God, no! I never have! I've hated my body! It's a huge reason I hate myself!"

"Would another form suit you?"

"Yes. It would."

"Such as that of an Angel?"

"Yes."

"Even though you know this to be impossible."

"Yes! I do! It doesn't make me stop feeling that way, though!"

"Of course it doesn't. Is there another Lilin whose form would suit you?"

Shinji clammed up instantly, robotically pouring ladles of hot water into the ramen cup. "You don't get to know that information."

Tabris became deathly still. "Woah, Shinji, okay. Remember, you're talking to yourself here. Mostly."

"That's why you don't get to know that information."

"Ahhh. You refuse to admit to yourself the source of these feelings."

"It's uncomfortable!"

"So are many, many other things."

"And you should know why I don't trust you with my heart."

Silence.

"I'm not alive anymore, Shinji."

"That doesn't mean you can't still hurt me!"

Another pause as languid as the air around it. Shinji started to cry. "It doesn't mean you aren't still hurting me..."

No response. Tabris was gone.

"God DAMMIT!" he yelled, kicking and putting out his fire, nearly burning his foot and spilling his food in the process. "God dammit, god dammit, god dammit!" With each curse he hurled a rock into the lake. "God fucking dammit, Tabris! Why did you have to betray me? Why did you have to..." He buried his head in his hands and started sobbing. He always hated these feelings, how intense they got, and having to lock them back up before they exploded. Nobody could know about these feelings. If anyone knew that he saw himself more as an Angel, they'd kill him. Which bothered him, and frightened him. Angels, as Tabris said, are as organic as humans. They were cosmic equals. That NERV felt so comfortable annihilating them...there had to be a reason Angels were attacking. A reason that nobody would tell him. A reason that he and his comrades got into living creatures created from Adam by Lilins and programmed by Lilins to kill the Evas' closest relatives.

And these feelings...he had to be an Angel. Even though he didn't have an S2 Engine, and even though he had more than his basal ganglia. He just...did not feel Lilin. At all. He felt distinctly something else. It was all very confusing. I...need to go back home, he thought. He started to pack up his cooking tripod, and picked up his trash, using the leftover water to smother the fire.

From a distance, someone was watching.

Chapter Text

Misato's days were filled with nothing but horrible thoughts. Horrible thoughts about herself, and about her coworkers. The thoughts were turning darker more often each passing day. She found herself more willing to do things she previously would consider reprehensible, like murder. Some days, she just wanted to kill everyone. Why shouldn't she? It's not like she'd be ending lives of any value. All those who surrounded her were sycophants to an angry man playing creator-god at best, and outright collaborators to groups with shady ends at worst. Why shouldn't she spill their blood and bathe in it? She was surrounded by people complicit in bringing about the apocalypse, again. And worst yet, she herself was also complicit now. She should end herself before ending anyone else, right? And then there was Shinji.

And then there was Shinji.

Sent by someone who cared.

He was all that kept her going these days. All that kept the increasingly loud bad thoughts at bay. She couldn't bear to see Shinji's face if she committed a heinous act. She couldn't bear to commit a heinous act against him. Was loving him heinous? She couldn't control that. She'd always loved him, in some way, on some level. But she could never love him if it hurt him. All he ever had to do was say the word and she'd back off from him, and he knew this, and yet he stayed silent on the matter. She stopped pushing, too, giving him complete control. He...he knew he had that control, right? She thought she'd made it clear enough, but Shinji could be slow to pick up on cues sometimes. She didn't want to say anything, didn't want to make him uncomfortable, but she was also tired of it. The constant tap-dancing around each other felt less like a concerted effort to respect one another and more like two wallflowers who had no idea how to talk about their feelings. The things she wanted to do with him. To him. But she couldn't, she couldn't do that to him. She'd never forgive herself if she hurt him like that. If she hurt him like that, she'd hurt herself.

But loving him is hurting him.

God, she wished she had a cigarette. This source of guilt, wherever it was, needed to go away yesterday. No, loving him was not hurting him. But forcing that love on him, smothering him with it, not letting him have a chance to feel things out for himself, was hurting him, and she was doing her hardest to not do any of those things. So why did she feel so guilty still? Because he was young? But...he wasn't that young, not as young as some of the girls she overheard some of the men quietly leer at every day, and they weren't even doing it out of love, just base lust. At least she loved Shinji, and cared for him more than she cared for pretty much anyone else. She'd do anything for him. Seeing him made her day. Would she sometimes kiss the pillow goodnight and pretend it was him? I mean, yeah, sure, but that's not that weird, other people surely did that with their loved ones.

She hated the night work. It was simultaneously extremely non-stimulating and the most nervewracking. Her anxiety was always so bad in the dark, thank God there were others here with her. Unfortunately, they happened to be the people that she fantasized about killing. Why couldn't Shinji be here? Hopefully he'd gotten out of his bed and done something, eaten something, anything by now. Paperwork and various tests could only be exciting so many times in a row before her brain started seeing shapes that weren't there. A beer would be nice. Or a coffee. Maybe she should take a walk somewhere? That might help her brain. But where to? She kept coming back to this question, before not coming up with an answer, and so on. But as the hours whiled by, the clock ticking like a beating, pulsing heart, she decided to visit someone.

The hospital lighting burned into her brain as she approached the room and knocked gently to announce her arrival. She sat down next to the bed and looked at the shattered, frightfully mortal human in it, back turned to her. Misato slowly reached out a hand, and rested it on the crown of Asuka's head. The girl slowly turned in her bed to face the newcomer, her eyes taking a minute to process the person sitting next to her, and like a command prompt her mouth started running a script.

"M-Misato, please, I can't do it anymore, I can't, I can't, I ca--"

"Shhhhh, shshshsh," Misato shushed gently. "I'm not here as your super, Asuka. I'm here as someone who cares."

"Someone...who cares?"

"Mhm."

"About...cares about me?"

"Mhm."

Asuka took a minute to process this, before stammering out, "Am...am I a doll?"

The question caught Misato completely off guard. "Are...you...a doll? You don't seem to be one." She moved her hand down Asuka's hair, her cheek, her arm. "You're flesh and blood and bone, like me and everyone else here."

"But...then...why am I just someone to hurt?"

"You're not, Asuka. Not anymore."

Asuka whimpered, no words emerging from her quaking lips, her eyes full of fear. She reached out, putting a pallid hand on Misato's. "I'm...not?"

"No."

"But what...what if they try..."

"Then I won't let them."

"You'll protect?"

"Mhm."

Her breathing escalated a little. "I...I'm scared, I don't..."

"It's okay, Asuka, it's okay." She held her hand a little tighter. "I will not ever let someone hurt you again."

"Do...do you promise?" Her voice was pregnant with fright, her eyes pleading. Please, Misato...I can't be alone again.

"I do. I promise, Asuka."

"Th-thank you..." She rolled over and was asleep again. Misato looked at her, and then left.

As she walked back to Central Dogma, she kept thinking about the terror in Asuka's face. She was so scared, and it hurt to see her like that. I need to do this for them, she thought, a determined expression creeping across her face, her brow furrowing. For us. For our little family. And nobody else.

She kept walking, and the closer she got to her workstation, she swore she heard someone singing the Ode to Joy.

Chapter Text

When Asuka awoke, she thought she'd died. It'd be the logical thing to assume. The last thing she remembered was lying in a bathtub, feeling like she was dying, and now she was in this white space. But it wasn't just blank. There were various items scattered around the room. Toys, toys that she remembered playing with...wait. She'd been here before. But when? Where was this place? There was no door, no windows. There had to be a ceiling, but she didn't know where it was; it just went into a white infinity. She couldn't even tell how big the room was, and her feet made no noise.

"Hello?" she called out tentatively. "Anyone there?"

An old CRT television, a plastic pink chair in front of it. Tapes of various cartoons in a box. Small clothes once belonging to a younger her. This was clearly somewhere she'd been, but she had no memory of this place.

She grumbled. "Could do with a little more color." She was startled when splashes of red appeared on the floor and walls.

Ah. It's inside my head.

She hung up her clothes that she wore most nowadays, like her cream-colored dress, her plugsuit, her school uniform. She crated up the old toys and put them on a shelf, using some old boxes for her other clothes. Weirdly, she didn't feel like it was a chore. It was making a home. She replaced the tapes with video games, and the pink chair with a beanbag. She missed stargazing with [memory redacted], so she opened up the ceiling and made it a perfect planetarium. And now, the most comfy bed she ever had. Right up against the wall too, where she knew she'd be safe.

"What's all this?" said a small voice. Asuka spun around, and looked down. It was her. Her when she was small. She was frowning slightly, holding a stuffed bear, her hair tied with red ribbons. This must've been shortly after—

Once she found her voice, she said, "It's...it's my room."

The little girl looked puzzled. "Aussie's room?"

"N-no, not Aussie's room, my room."

This upset Aussie. "Well, where's my room?"

"You don—" she started, before stopping. Wait. I can give her a room. She manifested a door diagonally from where she stood. "Your room's through there. Do...you want your, uh, stuff?" She pointed at the boxes on the shelf. Aussie nodded.

"Do you want help?"

"No! I don't need help from grownups or big kids!" She toddled into her room and slammed the door.

Asuka sighed deeply and closed her eyes. I was not planning on that today. She thought for a minute. The frustration that used to be so easy to unleash at the world wasn't coming as quickly as it once did. She breathed, feeling the clean air oxygenate her brain, and knocked on the door. No response. Ah. Okay. So I just need to be patient. Somehow, this felt an easier proposition than it would've been a while ago. Wonder if any other old friends will be showing up?

"What about new friends?" This was a new voice. One she'd never heard before. It belonged to a tall, thin, gaunt being of light, with feathers and a face like an owl's, and with large eyes of pure photons. They smiled, chattering softly. "You know me, Asuka. I'm amazed you're as calm as you are right now."

They sounded foreign. Were they...English? That was definitely Recieved Pronunciation. She really didn't know who this was. It was not registering in her brain. And then it did. All of a sudden. She felt her brain open like a book, being read like an encyclopedia, huge wings of light spanning the night sky. She stumbled backwards in terror. What was this thing doing in her mindscape? In her innermost sanctum!?

Be not afraid.

"Get the hell out of my mindscape. This is a safe space. You're not allowed."

Arael clicked their beak. "Now, Asuka, I think you know better than that."

"You, you made me see things I didn't want to ever see again."

"That wasn't the intent. I simply wanted to know how Lilin brains functioned. I didn't know I would see...that. Or make you feel..." The Angel gesticulated wildly. "All of this."

"This has been around for longer than anything else in my life. This isn't because of you. It's just found a new purpose."

"Because of Aussie?"

She sneered. "How do you know her? I mean, me? I mean...ugh, dammit!"

"Her, she's a seperate cohabitant of this mindscape alongside you and now me, it seems," Arael said, raising an eyebrow.

"YOU are not invited!" she yelled.

"You invited me here. Whether you cognitively did that or not, is not for me to tell," they said sternly. "My Geist has been with you for weeks, just as Tabris's Geist is with Shinji. I am part of you, Asuka."

"Wait, what's this about Geist?"

"You don't know?"

"No! I don't know anything! Nobody's told me anything!"

"Geist is the fundamental existential essence of a living being," Arael explained. "Universal among Children of Adam and Lilith. You have it, as did I. This is my Geist, speaking to you right now. When the First Child killed me, my Geist was freed, and was drawn to you, thanks to our encounter. It's because of you I'm able to appear like this, or even talk and reason."

"That little 'encounter' destroyed me! What on Earth would ever—you absolute piece of shit!" Asuka paced angrily, trying to assemble words together into cohesive sentences. They were not cooperating. "You...you, you, you bastard!"

"I have been called such, yes."

"You, you beautiful...beautiful, terrifying bastard..."

"I have also been called that."

"Shut up!" she stormed. "I'm trying to be serious!" She huffed a bit, before closing her eyes and letting her heart rate stabilize. "I hated you so much, because I was so drawn to you when I saw you on the screen, and then you defiled me like that, just like—"

Arael stood there, silent, listening. She took a breath. "You invaded me. You were so beautiful, and you invaded me like that. So terrifying, I felt so drawn to you, so magnificent, I'd never seen anything like you before, and you did horrible things to me!" She opened her eyes, and looked into theirs. Completely unreadable, but that was expected.

"This isn't the first time you've felt these things about someone, is it?" they asked with a stillness.

Asuka flinched and screamed, feeling fingers touching her arm. "Don't touch me!"

Arael's expression did not change. "I did no such thing, nor would I."

Asuka's heart resettled. "No. No, it isn't the first time. The first person was...someone who's gone."

"Mm."

"Not like you'd understand."

"You mistake me for a Lilin machine. Angels are organic lifeforms. We feel pain, and suffering, even if we're unable to register it entirely in our natural physical state. Even your Evas feel pain, Asuka."

"Still! You wouldn't understand!"

"Only you is saying such a thing," Arael said. "I may have trouble understanding. I am not fluent in Lilin societal customs or peculiarities. But what I can do, what I can always do, is listen."

"I don't want you to listen!" Asuka yelled, crying. "I don't want you here!"

"Okay. I can respect that." They turned to leave.

"NO!" she cried out. "Please don't leave! I, I need you here, I can't be alone again, everyone's left me, I'm all alone, please stay..." she sobbed uncontrollably.

"I can respect that, as well. But right now, there are more pressing matters to attend to."

"What do you mean?"

"Someone's approaching."

Suddenly Asuka was back in the hospital.

Asuka hated beds. Especially hospital beds. They were always in the middle of the room, requiring her to leave her back turned one direction or the other, unless she wanted to sleep on her back. But she also hated sleeping on her back. It made her look at the ceiling. She hated looking at the ceiling, because she kept seeing—

Misato! Misato was visiting. Misato was petting her head. Misato was looking at her with kind eyes and gentle words. Asuka had no idea what to say or do. She started to panic. Was Misato trying to get her back to work? She couldn't work. Not anymore.

Misato was not trying to get her back to work. She was just checking in on her. After a period of time that felt like either a minute or an hour, she left, and Asuka was back looking towards the ceiling. What happens next? she thought.

Aufersteh'n... sang a quiet female voice. Ja, aufersteh'n...

Chapter Text

No air filled her lungs. No heart beat in her chest, no blood coursed under her skin. The weird twitching in her right eye was gone. She could see, and yet she couldn't feel. She saw stars, endless stars, the clearest sky known to life.

Ah, Rei thought. I've died.

She looked around, getting a hold of her surroundings. There...was nothing. It really just looked outer space, floating, and yet she was standing on...something. She put her foot down, and it hit solid ground, even though it looked like she was stamping her feet into the vacuum of space. It was one of the stranger environments she'd ever found herself, dreams notwithstanding. A short distance away were two figures, adult women, it seemed. They were sitting on something, a bench maybe? A fire crackled nearby. Gentle music was playing, from something the woman on the right was strumming. They seemed to notice her confusion.

"Oh! Rei, dear, you're awake!" said the woman on the left. "Why don't you come join us?"

"Uh..." Rei looked at the 'floor'.

"Oh, right, I forgot, you can't see the surroundings...you can walk straight towards us, you won't fall through."

Rei took a deep breath, then a step. She didn't fall through the floor! Didn't really help her vertigo, though.

Wait. She had vertigo?

Wait. She could...feel? These were feelings, feelings of fright, of nervousness, of anxiety.

"Look, Lilith," she said to the woman on the right. "Baby's first steps."

Baby's first steps? Lilith? But I'm not a— A new emotion: confusion. Was she actually...?

"Welcome to the world, Rei," Lilith said. Her voice was calm, comforting, yet carried a sense of authority. Rei felt a new emotion: safety.

"But...I'm not new," she said, slowly. Uncertain of her words? That was also new.

"Mm, but your Geist, your will to live, your sense of purpose, is," Lilith responded. "It was just starting to form towards the end of your second life. And now you begin your third with it."

"Then...what was my purpose before now?"

Lilith made a dour expression. "Me."

"I don't understand."

"Your soul, and your Geist, were both mine, dear, implanted in a manufactured shell by...that man."

"Do you mean Commander Ikari?"

"Mm, yes. Ripping my soul from my body and implanting it in a copy of his wife's was...traumatizing, to say the least."

"Commander Ikari...did that to you?"

"Yes. He did. I'm...sorry if this is shocking to hear."

A new emotion: rage. "It actually isn't."

"Are you angry at him?"

"YES!" Rei screamed. Ow. She'd never yelled like that before. Her larynx felt hot. "It does make me angry! All those years, all those experiments...he only cared about me because I was a tool to him? Something he projected his wife onto? Who even was I? If I was you, then what was I, Lilith?"

Lilith looked at Rei with a sad expression, not one of pity, but of understanding. "I know, dear. It's incredibly unfair to you. You never deserved that. But you being here is proof of the power of forces he couldn't even begin to understand. His narrow understanding of the fabric of existence will be his undoing."

"What do you mean?"

Lilith looked at the woman next to her, the one that had initially greeted her. "I think it's time Armisael and I told you some things, Rei. Come, sit."

She sat in between the two women, the first time she'd seen an Angel—or rather, their Geist—up close. Armisael was lithe in movement and facial features. Her hair was long and blue, a pleasant blue, like a waterfall on a clear day. She had sharp grey eyes, and her hands moved gracefully when she talked. She had a voice like one of the chattery bridge officers—not annoying or irritating, but very talkative and friendly. Her skin shimmered in colors Rei didn't even have words for. Lilith was much more imposing, as expected for the Mother of Earth. She was tall, her hair a verdant green with highlights of what looked like actual gold, and her eyes with an extremely shocking green-and-gold heterochromia. Her skin was a very dark brown, and her hands tended to move only for emphasis when she talked. Her laugh was firm and confident.

"Tell me, my dear," Armisael started, "What do you know about Angels?"

Rei winced. A pain. It hurt to remember. "I...can't access those memories. I think...I was killed by one? I'm supposed to hate them, and yet am one. Sort of. Everything...is confusing. I don't know what memories are mine, if I even have them."

"Angels. A companion race to Lilin, or, well, humans. Rather all biological life, but we needn't be pedants. The point being, Angels are like you--we just come from a different Seed of Life. We are equals, and yet very different."

"Like humans."

"Yes."

"So why must we kill you?"

"You don't."

"Wait...what?"

"Why do humans fight?"

"I, I don't really know, I haven't, you know, ever really considered myself human."

"Well...right. Hm." Armisael seemed unsure how to explain all of these in a way that would remotely make sense, but Lilith stepped in. "Let's let Rei gather her surroundings first, Armi."

"But..."

"She needs to learn how to be human, first, right?"

"Yes."

"Your Geist is barely born, dear," Lilith said to Rei. "We'll accompany you, teach you."

"Okay."

"Let there be life."

GASP! Rei awoke.

"AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" screamed Shinji. "REI! I'M NAKED!"

"Rei? Rei's in your room?!" Ah, Misato.

"Yeah, she just...appeared, and...woah. Uh, Misato? Something is...something's weird with Rei..."

"What do you mean, somethi--- ah."

This was clearly not Rei. Well, it was, it was similar enough to her that it was her, but it was clearly different. Her red eyes were now brown. Her ice-blue hair was longer and no longer clearly manufactured. She wasn't wearing her school uniform.

"What do we do?"

"Shinji? Misato?" Rei asked. Her voice was different, too, no longer strangely hollow. "That's you, right?"

"Y-yeah, Rei, it's us," Shinji said.

She blinked a few times. "I feel."

"Feel what?"

"I just feel. I don't remember this."

"How do you feel right now?" Misato asked.

Rei looked at her with a purpose, her mouth tightened in a determined scowl. "I feel like I want to kill Gendo Ikari."

Chapter Text

"I mean..." Shinji raised his eyebrows, looking at the table. "Relatable."

"Did she always snore like that?" Misato asked quietly.

"Hm? N-no, I don't think so. I wouldn't know, but she didn't exactly give me that energy, if you get me."

"Huh. Odd. Anyway, what's relatable, again? The snoring is a lot more distracting than I thought it'd be."

"Oh? Oh, you know, wanting to..." Shinji made the universal hand sign for murder. "Kill Dad."

"Ah."

"It doesn't make sense," he said with a frown.

"Rei coming back?"

"Yeah. I mean, she died died, Misato."

"I know. And something's going on beyond that." Misato had to decide real quick how much she was willing to tell Shinji. Could she trust him? With NERV secrets? If I don't, we might all die.

"What do you mean, 'beyond that'?"

"She's...human."

"Well, of course she is." Shinji thought it was a strange remark, but Misato was clearly not joking around. He knew those eyes. "...of course she is, right, Misato?"

But I need to ask Rei questions first. "No, not of course. But I don't have all the pieces yet. We need to ask Rei some questions when she wakes up. You can be there, if you want."

"Of course I will."

"The fact she spontaneously appeared in your room..."

"Yeah."

"Is really concerning."

"Yeah, scared the hell out of me."

"Speaking of...Asuka's getting released soon." Shinji's heart dropped into the Earth's mantle. "When?"

"Not tomorrow, but the next day." She noted his suddenly dour expression. "Listen, Shinji..."

"Yeah, I know."

"She's been through a lot, and that's an understatement."

"Yeah."

"We need to be patient with her."

"Yeah. Just...nervous."

"She's most likely not going to be the same person she was before."

"I know."

"Are you ready?"

"I will be."

"You always are." Misato gave him a smile. He blushed, then went back to staring at the table before yawning.

"Aww, tired, are we?"

"I mean...I was sleeping."

"Oh. Right."

"And she's sleeping on my bed."

"Use mine." She was completely serious, not a hint at an alternative reading other than "I do not care if you sleep in my bed".

"Uh...sure, if you really don't mind."

"I can't sleep. There's a lot on my mind."

"Oh, sure thing." The awkwardness was palpable. Do I ask what's going on? he thought. Will she give me another non-answer? He figured the easiest thing to do would be just to abscond--which he did. He made his way to Misato's room, and climbed into her bed. Was there a risk of her getting into bed with him? Sure. Was that a risk he was willing to take? Also yes. He knew how to tell when she was in a mood, and tonight was not a night for that. She was clearly distraught about something, and there was no guarantee she would actually talk about it. Aside from Rei asleep in his bed, tonight might actually be another quiet night.

Oh good, I have you alone, came Tabris, suddenly lying next to him.

Or not.

Oh, it's you, Shinji said, less than enthused.

Shinji, please, I'm here to help you.

With what, exactly?

I...think you know what. These feelings you've been having.

I haven't been having feelings!

Tabris grinned. Oh please, as if I don't know you're the worst liar on Earth. Shinji blushed. His partner continued. So...what's on your mind?

Asuka. Misato. This...body, this corpus. All of a sudden, his neck became a lot warmer. Tabris, what the hell-- He shot up and looked in Misato's mirror, to see luxurious, flowing black hair.

T-Tabris!?

Mm, looks good on you! was all the response he got. Let's try...this! Shinji's chest suddenly got a lot more sensative as two small breasts made themselves known underneath his shirt. He was aghast. This couldn't be real, this couldn't be happening, this...

Um...you...couldn't possibly, uh...make them bigger? he asked sheepishly.

Knew you were jealous of Misato, Tabris giggled.

Oh, hush up! he hissed. His chest got heavier and heavier until his shirt tented from his now much larger breasts. Oh God, was this hot or what? He saw himself in the mirror and immediately became aroused, much to his horror. He quickly shifted his position. This was happening all so rapidly, so fast, all at once. Although...this shirt...

Oh, right, let's fix that up for you!

His shirt and pants disappeared. Parts of his body thinned out, others thickened, like Tabris was using a character creator. A comfortable black sports bra held his breasts, and a black sleeveless cocktail dress appeared, draping comfortably in a lovely hourglass shape over his body.

Now, a name.

Shinji thought long and hard. What name would he choose? What befit an angelgender girl? Well, maybe an angelic name, but which one? Which angel that he'd slaughtered did he feel the most bad about killing, the one that had changed him the most?

It hit. All at once.

Leliel.

Tabris looked at her thoughtfully. An interesting choice. The one that made you look inside yourself for the first time.

She looked at the ground. Aside from the massive erection penting up her dress (which she was more embarrassed about than anything else), she couldn't believe it. It was how she'd always saw herself. And yet...

I feel like a pervert.

Why? Because you're turned on looking at yourself?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Why wouldn't you be? You're hot.

Leliel blushed redder than a grapefruit. R-really? You think so?

Tabris kissed her on the cheek. It's the true you. This isn't you in my image, I just pulled various thoughts and memories out. It's you without the image issues, it's you with confidence, it's you with a physical form that you want to live in. This is the you according to your Geist, your will to live.

W-wait, so this isn't real?

Not yet.

Well, I want it to be, as soon as physically possible.

You can! Tabris said. But there's other things we have to take care of internally before we can achieve that. We've only just started this journey together.

Other things? Like what?

We have to rectify the Shinjis--pardon me--in those closest to you.

How do we do that?

Tabris extended his hand in the dark of Misato's bedroom. Together.

Together?

Together.

Leliel looked at Tabris with a terrified expression. I'm scared.

Of what?

What I'll see.

You're afraid of how others see you?

Deathly so.

Well, to rectify your inner contradictions, you need to be not afraid.

What did the Hers inside those closest to her even look like? What did Misato think of her? What did Asuka think of her? She shuddered at the thought. Oh God... She vomited a thick, pasty black liquid. What in the hell?

Mindscape vomit, apparently. Might take on different characteristics based on why you vomited?

I don't care, that was still extremely unpleasant!

It looked and sounded unpleasant.

I need to sleep.

Yes, you do. Tomorrow's a big day.

And he was back in Misato's bed. Alone. In the mirror, he saw himself again. It almost made him sick.

Misato sat against her bedroom door, nursing her fourth beer. She heard his rustling of unsure origin, sad noises, and then the sounds of sleep. She felt awful. He was in so much pain, and she was too scared of herself to ask why, even though she would be very much within her rights to. What if I'm just a sleazy predator? What if I hurt him? His sounds of sadness overrode this fear. She slid the door open, walked over, and got into bed next to him. He rustled awake.

"M-Misato?!"

"Sh, sh, Shinji," she said shakily, not knowing the damage that name caused. "I just...I just..." She slowly wrapped him up and held him close, and sobbed into his shoulder. "I just...I couldn't listen to your crying, a-and not do anything about it..."

"I-It's really nothing, I--" He was cut off by a quick half-kiss on the cheek.

"It's okay to be sad. I'm sad. I'm scared, too."

"H-How do you know I am?"

"I can just tell. Call it an...instinct." She held him tighter.

Shinji rolled over, the face of his carer mere inches from his. Her eyes glistened with tears, her breath warm of alcohol, but these emotions were genuine. "It's nice to be held," he said simply. She cried even more, hard, and passed out right next to him.

He looked at her, his heart racing. Gulping, he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek in return, and fell asleep as well.

Chapter Text

Misato lay there, uncertain. She held Shinji in her arms, feeling his heartbeat. She needed that, to make sure that even if she lost everything, he still lived. An end was coming, of this she was absolutely certain. Her uncertainty came to whether it was the end that the Powers That Be seemed convinced was going to happen was another matter. She couldn't help but feel like there was a missing part of this equation, one that these self-appointed interpreters of these Dead Sea Scrolls were catastrophically ignoring. Their interpretations of these texts seemed...well, purposefully apocalyptic, like there was something to be gained on their end towards steering the unknowing masses of humanity towards a painful mass extinction. There were also inconsistencies. She remembered what she'd told Shinji after Kaworu's death, that he'd craved death. In the moment, it was her gut feeling. These Angels were not friends. They were here to attack and kill. Kaworu had been nothing but a suicide bomber who manipulated Shinji, and Shinji was aware enough to stop him at the last minute. But that was too simple an explanation! She'd said that because of her own line of logic on the Angels, informed by losing her father and entire childhood to them. They were just glorified sentient nukes, bombs with brains as it were. But...it didn't feel like all the information. She needed to know more, even more than Kaji had furnished her with. She needed to know what these Dead Sea Scrolls said for herself, somehow.

No! Stop! What am I doing!?

Right, what was she doing, wanting to understand Angels? These creatures had caused her so much anguish and suffering, had caused so much harm to people. This was a sacred mission, to follow...that man... Why am I doing this? Why am I like this? She was doing this for Shinji, obviously. But was she, really? She thought to how much pain he was in over the last encounter, how it wasn't out of guilt of having to kill another person like she initially thought. It was because this Angel was special in some way to him. But surely that just referred to how "special" Kaworu made Shinji feel, right? Which for all she knew or cared meant that he'd taken advantage of him somehow. But if that was the case, Shinji wouldn't be not eating or drinking for days on end. He'd been hurt before. This Kaworu must've been really special...like...that kind of special.

Oh.

Was...was she just doing this for herself? But why? She'd never thought of herself as particularly special, and in case it wasn't clear to anyone else, NERV didn't really present much in the way of career advancement. There was one end for everyone--both in and outside of NERV. She was really only here because of her father.

Her father. She was only here because of her father. Not just because he worked for the progenitors of the current iteration of that old project that nearly ended the world, but because of that old project itself. She was here to Angel-hunt. But that wasn't so wrong, was it? To get revenge?

Really working out well for everyone here, isn't it? she thought. Trauma, an incredibly motivating or demotivating factor. Gendo was doing this entirely for his self-aggrandizement, his own place in history as a new divine being with his wife at his side. Ritsuko was doing this to prove she wasn't Like Mother, Like Daughter, and failing spectacularly in that task. And she, Misato, was doing this to get vengeance on living beings beyond her understanding because her father had died to them. No wonder her coworkers were such horrible people, when all they were looking out for was themselves and disguising it as a "concern for humanity", masking their own trauma and justifying some truly horrible actions. But people were redeemable, were they not? Everyone in this alien world they'd made their own was being manipulated, their fears and traumas used against them. They should be given a chance to realize what was going on. Viewing everything through the lens of Sin was what Seele would do, and had been doing. She was not some Divine Punisher. She was just Misato Katsuragi. She'd been through a lot.

I need air.

As she slipped out onto the balcony, she found she wasn't alone. Rei stared off into the distance, where the ruins of Tokyo-3 lay.

"Got up to trouble while I was gone, did you?" she told a shocked Misato.

"What are you talking about, got up to trouble? Eva-OO turned this into a blast crater!"

"Oh, really?"

"Yeah...don't you...y'know, remember?"

"Nope."

There was an uncomfortable silence. Misato blinked. "No?"

"Not a lick."

"Okay, who are you, and what have you done with Rei?"

Rei turned and looked at her. "I am Rei."

"Rei doesn't use expressions."

"I was reborn, so maybe I'm not like that Rei."

"Now, when you say 'reborn'..."

"I was dead, I was in Gan Eden, I awoke in Shinji's bed. That's all there is to it."

"Not Terminal Dogma?"

"And why would I go there?"

Misato was now not just confused, but extremely worried. If Rei hadn't resurrected through the usual method, then something was very wrong. "Because...that's...where..."

Rei stared at her blankly. "I'm so confused."

Misato stared at the floor for a second. "Wait...you said something about...'Gan Eden'?"

"Yeah. It's where we all go when we die. The Garden of Eden."

"The Garden of Eden."

"Yeah. It's just empty space, but...I mean, I guess it's time you found out, huh?"

"Found out what? What are they keeping from me this time?"

"They? You mean NERV?"

"Yeah, all those higher-up motherfuckers."

Rei laughed. "NERV has nothing to do with it. If anything, their plan will cut humanity off from ever re-entering Gan Eden ever again."

"How?"

"Turns out 'return to Primordial Soup' is not the grand plan of the Holy Ones. Humans are meant to be one with our sister race, not exterminate them."

"Coexist? With Angels?"

"In a manner of speaking," Rei smirked. "Not alongside, but as literally one. Angel and Lilin, one in mind and body. A holy Synthesis."

"That's..." Misato felt sick. "But...how?"

"Well, the last three Angels all wanted to make contact with Lilin in various ways. And all three have imbued their wills to live, their spirits, their Geiste as it was described to me, in the people who they were trying to connect with. Tabris is in Shinji. Armisael is in me. Arael is in Asuka."

Misato paled. "Wait...there are Angels in my babies?!"

"Yes. How's that feel?" For as monumental and earth-shaking this revelation was, Rei was extremely calm about it.

"It feels...I..."

"Scared?"

"A bit, yes."

"Would it helped if I described them for you?"

Misato sat down and pulled out a much-needed cigarette. "Yes. Yes, it would, actually."

Rei sat down as well. "Well, when I arrived in Gan Eden, I was met with the spirits of Lilith and Armisael. Glorious, gorgeous, I felt blessed that I could even behold them. The closest I can think of is if...humans were able to look at the sun with no consequences. They were so kind, Misato. The kindest souls you'll ever meet. The Holy Mother of Lilin and her midwife. They cared and nurtured me to spiritual infancy, and then let me walk again."

"But...all the harm they've caused..."

"Harm? Or attempting to communicate?"

"So...they're...living in your mind?"

"Yes. Well, Armisael is my Angel. Lilith is along for the ride, temporarily. I have...a mission."

"To kill Gendo Ikari."

"Yes."

"And what will that achieve?"

"Provided the other Last Three Messengers achieve Syntheses with their Lilin cohabitants, it will free Adam's Geist, and bring Gan Eden upon Earth."

"The Garden...upon Earth?"

"Yes. Paradise restored."

She took a long drag. "That's...we're heading in the complete opposite direction of that."

"Yep. Because NERV and Seele fatally misunderstand the nature of Angels, and of the Unknown One. They aren't harbingers of the apocalypse, meant to cower Lilin into confessing whatever sins. They're messengers."

It hit Misato like a truck. 'Sin' meant something completely different to Seele and NERV than how even most Lilin saw it, and especially how the Angels saw it. 'Sin' to Seele was a brand seared on the back of Lilin necks like murderers, and even with atonement would never go away. But what a horrible, hateful way to treat other people! The Angels saw Lilin missteps as forgiveable and forgettible, the latter even encouraged. Seele wasn't a secret organization entrusted with the protection of humanity, it was a apocalyptic, genocidal death cult, that saw the End, or Instrumentality, or whatever, as atonement for sins that, for all the Angels cared about, didn't exist. She thought about her conversation with herself earlier, how people were deserving of a chance to realize what they'd done wrong, if anything.

"Hey, Misato? You, uh...handling this okay?"

"N-no. No, I'm not."

"I get it. I get why."

"Y-yeah."

"But there's one thing that the Angels want of you. Your purpose in this scheme."

She looked up into Rei's soft, brown eyes, eyes that used to scare her, but now conveyed the warmth and love of a family member. "What's that?"

Rei smiled. "They want you to protect us with your life. Me, Shinji, Asuka."

Misato cried, tears of sadness, but also tears of relief. "They...they see me that way?"

"You are our mother, at least that's the vibe I got from them."

"Your...mother..."

"I've never had one. It'd be nice to."

Misato threw her arms around Rei, who, after a moment's hesitation, returned her embrace. "I always loved you, Rei."

"I love you, too...Mom."

Chapter Text

Asuka didn't know her mindscape had a bathroom to mirror the one she had to use in the Material. So I can live in Mindscape while existing in the Material? That's a bargain I can live with...for now. At least, while I'm in the hospital. She liked the room she'd designed more than the terrifying hospital bed, anyway. But there was a downside she wasn't prepared for: in Mindscape, she had to live with roommates, which meant sharing facilities.

"Aussieeeee!" she whined, "I need to pee!"

"I'm going!" came the small voice from within.

"Are all Lilin children like this?" asked Arael, themself already enjoying a pot of coffee. "Regrettably, yes," replied Asuka through gritted teeth. The pain was starting to mount. Aussie, please... "I'm done!" the small one announced, and a flush fulfilled the prophecy. Asuka ran inside.

"I want cereal," Aussie said grumpily as she toddled into the common area. Arael pointed at the lower cupboard. "I think Asuka manifested some this morning, if only by accident."

They looked at the child as she stood on a chair to grab a bowl. Even in the short time they'd been living here, Arael had gained a fondness for their two new cohabitants. Aussie was very standoffish and reluctant to trust, frequently yelling at them, but also liked it when they showed her a modicum of attention; they figured that she was slowly learning to trust. It was going to be mandatory to be patient with her, and not push her too fast to conform to this new circumstance. Some of those traumas were going to always be with her, informing her actions and behavior. But with gentleness and patience, she could find a peace that was okay for her. Asuka was markedly different, but interesting in her own ways. Her extreme combativeness masked a much softer and more vulnerable interior; they just needed to have the wherewithal to outlast the first phase, and as was shown when they first met, they were more than capable of managing the task. If the long-term goals of this partnership were going to work, Arael would have to establish a healthy relationship with her, and they had the belief this would be easier than it sounded. And right on cue...

"You look at my tits, you're dead."

Arael sipped their coffee. "Ah, Miss Soryu. Belligerent as always, I see."

Asuka reddened with embarrassment. "Oh, shut up."

"Am I wrong?"

"I meant with the formality. It's...weird to hear me called that."

"You didn't seem to like me calling you by your first name much."

"That was just..."

"You being difficult?"

Asuka glared at them. Arael's eyes were, as always, nearly unreadable, but did she detect a hint of teasing? "Yes, if that makes you feel better."

"Your hair looks great today."

"Oh, uh, thanks." Breakfast commenced in near-silence. Asuka looked warily at her two cohabitants. Everything seemed...so...right.

"I'm surprised you're so calm. I'd have expected you to be a lot more nervous."

"Nervous?" Asuka asked, confused.

"Because it's the day."

She took a deep breath. "I'm at peace with it. Easier to try and adapt to the new normal than fight all the time. I'm tired of fighting, Arael. I really am."

Arael smiled and chirped. She'd grown so much.

"But that doesn't mean I'm gonna kowtow to Shinji's bullshit!"

"Heaven knows you decidedly did not do that beforehand."

"Mmrrh..." She threw them a pout before returning her attention to her toast. Aussie got up, put her dish in the sink, and went back to her room.

"She's not going to take the change well," Arael said warningly.

She sighed. "I know. I can only hope the others don't throw her off too bad. Otherwise we might have more damage control than we can handle."

"You'll always have here, this place."

"I know that, it's my creation," she scoffed.

"We're about to see."

"What do you--"

Knock knock.

Back in the hospital bed.

"Asuka Langley Soryu? It's time."

"Yes, Doctor."

The walk she'd made so many times before but barely remembered anymore led to the door that suddenly seemed like it had never changed.

Katsuragi

She took a deep breath and knocked.

Rei opened the door, her hair in a messy bun, wearing one of Misato's off-the-shoulder sweaters. "'Sup, Asuka?"

Um...Arael?!

Yeah, I'm seeing it too.

There's no way...

"R-Rei?"

"Yup."

"What--"

"You missed a lot. Welcome home, though." She stood out of the way and gestured inside. "We did your entire room up before you arrived."

"O-oh. Thank you."

The apartment was cleaner than she last remembered. Misato must've run Shinji ragged. But...where was Misato? Or Shinji, for that matter? "Hey, uh, Rei? Where is everyone?"

"Misato's at work, Shinji's asleep after waking up early to clean several weeks' worth of garbage in three hours."

"Ah, Misato still working him to the bone, eh?"

"Actually, no, he did it because he wanted to. Said something like you deserved a clean house for your new start."

Asuka was completely dumbfounded. "What the hell happened while I was gone?!"

Rei stared at her, and she noticed her new eyes for the first time. "The same thing that happened to you. We should talk when you have the energy for it."

The same thing that happened to me? Does she mean Arael? "Yeah, honestly, I just woke up, but I'd really like my own bed right now."

"I getcha."

She looked at the hastily written sign from those horrible days on her door. ENTER AND DIE! She quietly took it down, slid open her door, and--

She honestly didn't know what she was expecting. Shinji being weird in it? But nope, nothing. It looked like a hotel room--perfectly manicured. Her clothes hung neatly pressed. There were some other things she hadn't had up before. A picture Misato had taken shortly after Asuka had arrived in Tokyo-3 sat, framed, on the dresser. All of her boxes had been unpacked, her belongings put away, posters hung up, and furnishings polished.

Shinji, you didn't...

She flopped onto her bed and fell asleep immediately, which meant turning up in Mindscape again.

"ARAEL!" she yelled, "WE NEED TO TALK!"

"I'm right here," they replied simply. "No need to yell."

"You have a lot of explaining to do."

They stood there silently for a minute. "I...barely understand what's going on myself. I'm not sure if Tabris does, either. Armisael and Lilith must have a plan up their sleeve, and I'm unaware. It'd probably be best for both of us to let Rei tell us."

"She's no longer Miss Perfect, that's for sure."

"Oh, yeah, something's absolutely changed, and I highly doubt Rei and Armisael have achieved Synthesis already."

"Synthesis?"

"The full merging of Lilin and Angel Geiste. Two souls becoming one, the evolution into a final life-form."

"Wait, so I'm supposed to become one with you?" she asked, perturbed.

"I'm not sure I'd say supposed to, but it is a goal. Why, are you scared?"

"Scared? No! I just..." I don't want to be alone again. Arael figured it out as she did.

"Asuka...you'll still have Aussie. You'll still have me. You'll still have here. You won't ever be alone again, unless you want to be. Synthesis is an internal rectification of contradictions that are so great, they have material effect on the physical self. But your mindscape is yours. That can't be taken away."

"But..."

"But change is scary? Yeah, it is. But change is necessary. Think about who you were before. Do you really want to not change from that?"

"That...I already have, though. I can't be that person again."

"Exactly. So you see, you've already changed in one way."

"I guess," she pouted, but the pout quickly gave out. "I just...I hinged my entire being on piloting the Evangelion. And something broke. It's all different now. So from that perspective, I have to keep the ball rolling. Synthesis is the natural end for me. But change is still scary, even if it's inevitable."

Arael stared at her. "Everything is made up of contradictions. Some are antagonistic, where contradictions lead to conflict, and others are non-antagonistic. These latter contradictions are not always bad, and arguably are what make the world go around. Even the forces that make up the universe are contradictions."

She flopped on her bed and kicked up her legs. "Oddly scientific for a metaphysical being."

"But I'm not metaphysical. Angels are, as the destruction of this area attest, painfully material. We don't stand in opposition to Lilin scientific progress, there's no need to. Lilin on Earth used to describe Angels as beings made of fire. Under modern scientific understanding, that would translate to beings of light, which Seele and NERV outright admit, don't they? We're identified by their computers by wavelengths of light. My Angelic form was made of pure photons. These are particles that exist, that are known to exist, and Lilin understand the nature of."

"Interesting." She mused on that. "Made of particles we understand, but we don't understand you at all."

"I'd...not use 'we' that liberally. Seele's interpretations of a specious text nobody knows the origin of besides themselves do not represent the whole of Lilin thought or desire. Lilin on other planets are not hiveminds, and neither are you."

"Wait...there's humans on other planets?"

"Not humans, Lilin, who vary by the world they live on. Humans are the Lilin that live on this planet."

"Right, I guess that makes sense."

"But back to my point. Your current trajectory is made up of the same contradictions that power everyone's lives and the world around us. It's just how individual people choose to handle those contradictions that determines where they go. You've chosen to embrace change, which is admirable. And yes, it is scary. But you'll have those in here as well as the Material with you."

"It's going to be weird, trusting them."

"Trust is a hard thing, especially for you. But I have belief you can do it. You've done a lot harder."

"Thanks."

"You're welcome."

A peaceful silence settled in, before a knocking sound jolted them out of it.

"What was that?" she asked, sitting up.

"I think we have a visitor."

"Who's there?" she called out groggily.

"It...it's Shinji. I heard you were home. I...I wanted to see you."

"Yeah, okay."

Arael whispered, "you got this," as the world faded from Mindscape to the Material. Shinji slowly opened the door.

"Hey," she said. What would he say? Or do? Terror set in, realizing everything that she'd said and done to him. Oh God... Instead, he ran over and hugged her.

"What the hell?!" she cried out, alarmed more than angry.

"I'm just glad you're back," he said quietly.

"Oh...oh. I am, too."

"I've been so alone."

"I have been, too."

He'd never hugged her before. His arms trembled, as if nervous, or just wrought with emotion. Another tap on the wall. "Hey, uh, not to interrupt the family reunion," Rei announced, "but we need to have a talk. Now."

Chapter Text

Shinji fidgeted nervously. "Isn't there a risk of...you know..."

Misato shook her head. "They're not focusing on that right now. They think themselves impregnable."

"Will someone mind telling me what's going on?" Asuka huffed. "I just got here."

"Right, sorry. I'll let Rei explain everything."

Rei didn't exactly know what to say. She was different than before; these people didn't really know who she was now. She looked at Asuka, who was sitting next to her. Being reborn had the strangest effect on her memories--she remembered Asuka, but it wasn't her memories that recalled her, but someone else's, like her memory library was full of someone else's tapes that she had to write over constantly. These old flashes of an angry, more petulant Asuka were replaced by someone much more pensieve and lost in thought. She had to have an Angel companion, just like herself and Shinji. Maybe she was talking to them? Maybe she should...talk to her? But what would she think about that? These old memories were definitely not positive. What if she didn't want to talk to her? Then they had bigger problems.

Just talk, sweetie, came Armisael's soothing voice. Nobody will hurt you anymore.

"We're all...different now," she started. "Me most of all. I vaguely remember dying, and I woke up in the Garden of Eden. But I couldn't see anything, so it was like I was floating in outer space. There I met Lilith and Armisael. They told me everything, and told me that they would be with me as I learned to be human for the first time."

"That means...you weren't human before," Asuka said.

"Right. I was..." She made a face. "I was a homunculus for Lilith's Geist, her will to live essentially, constructed artificially to resemble Yui Ikari." Shinji looked nauseous. Rei pointed at him. "Yeah, basically that."

"So...you have two Angels inside you?" asked Asuka.

"Well, one. Armisael is my Angel. She is who I will achieve Synthesis with. I am temporarily housing Lilith's Geist for my other purpose. And that brings us to the main topic of conversation. The two of you," she pointed at Shinji and Asuka, "are also housing Angels, yes?"

"Sure am," Asuka said plainly. Shinji blushed furiously and nodded.

"This is all according to the actual plan of the Angels," Rei explained. "There is no war between Lilin and Angels, at least from the Angelic point of view. They're not weapons, they're messengers. Ancient Lilin described them as messengers wreathed in fire, or as we would describe it with our science, light. That's why we can only identify them based on light patterns."

"Meanwhile," Misato piped in, "from the official viewpoint of NERV/Seele, the Angels are a threat to Lilin existence. They base this on their Dead Sea Scrolls, which they supposedly found as an Angelic document but have released to nobody and are considered top secret. I have no reason not to believe them to be a fabrication or simply theological fanfiction. It would be characteristic of the people running the show to come up with ideas and treat them as given fact."

"For all we know, they could just have a copy of the King James in a desk drawer somewhere and all battle plans come from that," Rei said. "Nothing that NERV/Seele has stated about the Angels lines up with reality unless you only accept a singular point of view of how Angels interact. Yes, it's obviously true that Angels have caused massive amounts of destruction, we can look outside after all, but to say that destruction was intentional is assuming a lot of things that NERV can't possibly know themselves unless they captured an Angel and interrogated it."

"They knew Tabris was an Angel," Shinji said. "They tried to use him to instigate Third Impact, but he realized their gambit."

"Tabris?" Asuka asked.

"Right...you and Rei wouldn't know. The 17th Angel. He came to us in the form of a Lilin named Kaworu Nagisa. He was my..." He paused, then shook his head rapidly. "At first, I was enraged at him. I thought of him as the enemy after his move, because that's what I was told. He was actually saving us all. He let me kill him because he'd rather die than do what he realized Seele wanted him to do."

"They sent an Angel from within?"

"Yeah. And it failed."

Asuka sat there, stunned. "So they know."

"Know what?" asked Misato.

"The true nature of the Angels."

"Not unlikely."

She furrowed her brows. "Okay, so what's their endgame, Rei?"

"The apocalypse," Rei deadpanned. "The End of Things. On the outside of it, they say it's liberation for Lilin. On the inside, they know that realistically, "Instrumentality" will mean the end of organic life on Earth, save for a precious few who get to enjoy a heightened, enlightened state of being."

Asuka nodded, slowly understanding. "And these 'precious few' would naturally be..."

"Yep."

"So what do the Angels think of it?" Shinji asked.

"They think it's insanity. Nothing good can come of total death--there is nothing waiting for them afterwards. Returning to the primordial soup will result in nothing but an eternal void. NERV/Seele has been operating an apocalyptic, genocidal death cult with near total immunity for twenty years now, waging their holy war, their Armageddon, and they're willing to sacrifice not just Lilin, but organic life on Earth to achieve it. The Angels instead point to an alternative path. There is a sort of paradise, called Gan Eden."

"The Garden of Eden," Misato chimed. "Closed off to Lilin by nature of our progeny from Lilith, but upon Synthesis with Adam's progeny, we can achieve it on Earth."

"Arael said something about that!" Asuka said. "Although they just talked about it on the personal level."

"Unity of the two forms of life is the goal here," Rei said. "It's the only resolution to the conflict that has happened on Earth since the arrival of the Moons."

"So, what's the game plan?"

"Well, you and Shinji need to achieve Synthesis with your Angels. That's of utmost importance. As for NERV..." Rei gestured towards Misato.

"I'll be trying to get as many workers on our side as possible. It won't be easy, and people will most likely die. People I've known for years. But they deserve a chance to know the reality of the situation, and make a choice for themselves. Even if they've chosen a side already."

"And what will Rei be doing?" asked flame-haired Asuka. "Not just achieving Synthesis, as has been implied."

"I'm going to kill Gendo Ikari," she said. "He currently houses the Geist of Adam as well as his physical body. Once Adam is freed, the White Moon will awaken and the Synthesis of Lilin and Angels will commence."

"So, an open rebellion against NERV and the shadow organization that runs it. Easy enough." Asuka laughed. "Man, what a turn my life has taken."

They all looked outside at the setting sun. "You know," Shinji said, "I think I need some air."

They all sat in lawn chairs that Shinji hadn't used since his first day here. Birds chirped. Water lapped at the shores of the lake where Tokyo-3 used to stand. A sort of tranquil peace in the midst of a scene of ruin.

"Do you think any of the people working below us have listened to the birds before?" Shinji asked. It was one of those innocent-sounding questions that a few weeks ago Asuka might've teased him for, but given the conversation that had just happened, it had a weight to it.

"The last time we were above ground," Misato replied, "was that wedding we were invited to before...before Kaji. I think I'm the only one to still regularly come to the surface. So to answer your question, yes, but I'm not sure they remember."

They sat in silence for a few minutes.

"It's nice to see you with life behind those eyes."

The comment caught Rei completely off-guard. Asuka was looking straight at her, so it could've only been her. "I...uh...um...th-thanks," she stammered. "Did, did sh--er, I mean, I...not have life behind these eyes?"

Asuka covered her mouth quickly to stifle a laugh. "That's how I know you're not her. She could never be that cute."

"C-cute?"

Asuka squeaked. "Oh my God, you're blushing so hard right now!"

"Is that why my face is so hot?"

"Yes, dork."

"Oh..."

"And for your information, missy, I did say cute."

Rei was extremely flustered and puzzled. Was...was Asuka flirting with her? That would necessitate several personality shifts too sudden for literally overnight. What was the acceptable protocol here? Should she flirt back?

"I, well, um, you're different, too. In a way I like."

Asuka raised an amused eyebrow. "Is that so? And what way would that be?"

Rei gulped. "Like, uh, you know, you're, um, I don't know how to put it...but I just know I like it."

"Well, that's good to hear."

Rei noticed a strand of hair in Asuka's face. Dare she...? "You, um, have something," she said, as she clumsily brushed the hair away. Asuka looked like she had something to say.

"Leave it for bedtime, girls. Rei needs to sleep somewhere, after all..." Misato chided coyly.

"Oh," Asuka blushed. "Right, yeah."

"This is nice," Shinji said. "All four of us, existing in ourselves."

"Yeah...it's a strange feeling. I feel...restful, for the first time in my life."

"Me too," Misato said.

"Oh, right," Asuka started, "what's your role in all of this, Misato?"

The older woman stared into the fading sunset. "I'm your mom now."

"No kidding."

"Yeah. As wanted by Lilith herself."

"A mom again..." Asuka said plaintively, with a slight waver.

"Yeah. Somehow I feel like that's something that wouldn't get much complaint in this group." The lack of response confirmed her statement.

"For the first time in my life," said fire-haired Asuka, "I feel happy to be alive."

"As do I," added Shinji.

"And I," said Rei. "I've literally never felt more alive." She looked at her friends, her new family, and smiled.

Chapter Text

"What is sin?"

The lights of Tokyo danced below Leliel as her hair whipped in the wind. It had to be a several hundred meter drop to the street below, but she wasn't afraid. Tabris was with her. He wouldn't let anything poor happen to her.

"When we do bad things, right?" she answered, unsure. What kind of question was that?

Tabris looked out onto the city skyline. "Why did you want to come here, again?"

"I wanted to see the world as it was before Second Impact."

"Right."

"It's beautiful."

"Is it?"

"In its own way."

"How?"

"There's life."

"But I thought you hated people."

"People have done horrible things to me."

"Well, sure."

"I wish they hadn't."

"Don't we all."

"But what was this question about sin?"

"Well, you said that sin was when we did bad things."

"Yes."

"What is 'bad'?"

"I...don't know," she stuttered. "I guess that depends from person to person."

"So if sin is 'doing bad things', but 'bad' depends on the person, then how can 'good' or 'bad' be objective categories at all? Let alone a concept as 'sin'?"

"What are you getting at?"

"It's all about the material effects. Lilin aren't inherently one thing or the other, you have complete free will to behave as you do. But your actions have material effects on others."

"I...think I get where this is going."

"Yeah. It's something you need to grapple with. The thing you need to grapple with, honestly." He gave her a knowing smile. How could she say no to that smile?

"Yeah, you're right, aren't you?"

"Aren't I always?"

"Yeah."

Tabris laughed. "Don't be so quick to say that! But yeah, as I said, all Lilin have the capacity to do harm to others, and to do kindness, and sometimes both at the same time. Nothing is black and white, nothing is as easy as pie, to borrow a saying."

"Doesn't change I've done a lot of harm."

"No, it doesn't. But what was the context of that harm? Did you know what you were doing?"

"No, I didn't! Doesn't that make it worse? I'm such a bad person!"

"Hold up there. How can not knowing what you were doing make it worse?"

"Because I'm supposed to know it's hurtful to do and say things to others that hurt them."

"You're supposed to, but you didn't. How can you possibly be held to a higher standard than normal for things you didn't know?"

"It's what I've been told."

"Yeah, well, people can be wrong. Rather frequently, as we've seen."

"It just means I shouldn't be around others even more, if I'm this horrible person."

"No! No, no, no!" Now Tabris actually sounded upset. "You haven't even opened yourself to the possibility of apologizing."

"What worth is apologizing? They're never going to forgive me."

His voice took on a tone of forced patience. "They might not. But apologizing is still the right thing to do in this case. Wouldn't it clear your conscience?"

She thought for a minute. Her impulse was to say no, but she'd been consumed with guilt since she became more aware of everything that had happened, especially around Asuka. And yeah, she did feel immense self-hatred for it, but another part of her knew that wasn't going to help anyone, least of all herself.

The wind bit at her exposed flesh. She wasn't sure if she disliked it.

"Yeah," she said, resigned. She breathed the sharp air, noxious with the faint but noticeable scent of petrol. "Yeah," she said again, but more determined. "It would."

"Why?"

"Because I know I'm not a bad person. It's just easier to say I am, because that's what my brain tells me. It's harder to think I'm not."

"That's a start. But again, it's not about being a 'good' or 'bad' person. It's about being able to recognize the material effects of your actions, and learning from them."

"I lashed out at Asuka a lot. It bred lots of resentment."

"Yeah, that's about it."

"I lashed out at Asuka because...because I was jealous of her. Of her self-confidence. That she could just do things. That she was a girl."

"You're a girl, Lel."

Leliel blushed a bit. "Well, yeah, but, y'know..."

"Yeah, I get it."

"And it bred resentment because the things I was jealous of were things that she hated. Her self-confidence was a mirage. She could barely function when her sole motive for living was gone."

"Yeah."

"I was jealous of those things, but I'm not anymore. There's no more reason for me to hold onto that."

"Yeah."

"So...it's time for me to try and repair things."

"Yes, that's one part of it. The other part of that is applying that to yourself."

"I need to stop thinking of things as sins."

"Yes, or at least, of things you do as unforgiveable. There's no such thing as unforgiveable if you're willing to learn from it and make amends to the friend you hurt."

"But what if this all very sudden for people? What if they see me as disingenuous?"

"They might. But they're most likely to be happy with the change, because you'll be yourself."

"Myself?"

"Yeah. The best thing you can do is be yourself."

"But how do I be myself and look out for myself, while also always thinking of others?"

Tabris crossed his legs, his arm perched on his knee. "Let me put it this way. There are three questions I want you to ask yourself at all times."

"Yeah?"

"'If I am not for myself, who will be for me?', 'If I am only for myself, what am I?', and 'If not now, then when?'"

"Those are all contradictions of each other."

"Are they?" he asked pensively. "Everything's a contradiction, Leliel. But not everything is a negative contradiction. Some contradictions need to be contradictions to work. How Lilin work as people, both individually and in a group, requires this contradiction."

"'If I am not for myself, who will be for me?', 'If I am only for myself, what am I?', and 'If not now, then when?'"

"That's right."

It was her turn to be pensive. The traffic below was dying out by now.

If I am not for myself, who will be for me? Well, Misato, right? And Rei seemed supportive enough. Asuka...Asuka would be a harder sell, but she had to try. But could she really count on them to be for her, unequivocally? Well, yes. But...maybe not? What if they didn't exist anymore? What if something happened? Who could she really count on to be for her? Herself, and only herself. She needed to be for her in the instance nobody else would be.

If I am only for myself, what am I? Tons of negative words came to mind. Selfish, uncaring, and the lot. But fundamentally, she couldn't be only for herself. As easy as it was to separate from the world when things got stressful, she cared about those around her more than anything in the world. She couldn't imagine only being for herself. Rei was so kind to her. Asuka seemed willing to turn a new leaf. And Misato...Misato loved her. And she loved Misato back. She wanted to kiss Misato. She wanted to make love with Misato. She felt an overwhelming sense of love for her, and for her new family. She couldn't be only for herself. It was impossible now. There was no going back to being the sad boy who'd listen to his tapes on full blast when another person was crying. What was she if she was only for herself? Not herself.

If not now, then when? Never. Simple as that.

"Hey," Tabris said, shaking her gently. "You doing okay?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, just thinking."

"About what?"

She stared into the lights that'd soon be going out. "I think it's time to go home. I'm ready for what comes next."

"And what would that be?"

She smiled at him, for what felt like the first time. "I guess we're about to find out, huh?"

Chapter Text

Maya was terrified, more so than she'd ever been, and NERV headquarters had taken direct attacks from Angels. She'd never been arrested, there wasn't anything she could think of that she'd done to get her arrested. So why the hell was Misato leading her away in handcuffs, with a face that could kill God? She whimpered, and started to cry. Misato glared at her.

"Quit it."

"B-b-but..."

"Keep walking."

Had they found something? Had they...invented something? But if they did, why did Ritsuko not save her? Was...oh God, was Ritsuko behind it? She didn't think her heart could take it if she was. That'd be worse than death, that'd be worse than being dissolved into primordial soup with the rest of humanity. If Ritsuko set her up, she might as well call it a day right then and there. But just before she could try anything, she found herself inside a questioning room. The room was dark, and most terrifying of all, the security camera's light was off. Nobody would be there to watch...or hear...whatever happened to her.

Click. Click. The handcuffs slid off, and she was met with the voice of a young girl in her ear.

"Reach into your right armpit and squeeze," Asuka said in a very low whisper.

Okay, what the hell?

Maya did as she was told, and shockingly, there was a sort of bump. An ingrown hair? In her armpit? But how would Asuka know about that? She didn't even know about that! She squeezed, wincing in sharp pain, before something popped out. Her fingers were wet with blood, and there was a small, hard object between them.

"Crush it," Asuka whispered.

Piff.

"We're able to talk freely now."

"Asuka, what in the--"

"A listening device NERV implants into all its workers. We couldn't talk as long as that thing was inside you."

"I was led here in handcuffs!"

"Desperate times call for desperate measures. Maya, there's something very important we need to talk about."

Asuka was startlingly calm through all of this. This was a different Asuka than the one she knew before. This one was measured, calm, thorough, had her hand on Maya's lap through the conversation, like she knew it'd be emotionally difficult. And it was. As Asuka relayed the entire situation to her, her heart sank more and more. Gendo had done what? Ritsuko had done WHAT?! What had she been party to this whole time?! She felt angry, she felt betrayed, she felt--

"Hurt, I bet," Asuka said, as if reading her thoughts.

"Yeah! Yeah, a LOT!" she yelled. "I, I, I trusted them!"

"I know."

"They lied to me!"

"Yeah, they did."

"I did...I helped do...I..."

"Maya, we all...do things we're not proud of. Things that, that hurt others." She spoke as if from experience. "And...and what's important is, that we strive to do better. There will be time to right wrongs later. But right now, what we need you to do is strive to be better. And we have just the way for you to do that."

Silence hung like a wet fog. Maya couldn't see Asuka's face, but it sounded like she was making realizations of her own in real time.

"How can I help?"

Hyuga had gone to his doom stoically. Maya had been taken away in handcuffs and tears, but returned free, albeit no less emotionally fraught. Something was going on. Was paranoia finally going to rip the organization apart? He'd sworn to serve Misato however he could, and if he'd failed in that duty, so be it. But this was a different situation entirely at this point. Not only was the paranoia going to rip NERV at the seams, it was going to destroy the planet. He'd just misappropriated where that paranoia was coming from.

"I had a suspicion," he told Rei, "but this is so, so much worse than I thought."

"It is, shall we say, not a good look, yeah," she said coolly, playing with a pocketknife. "Don't worry, I'm not using this on you. I just need to stim."

"Oh, I figured as much. Even with your new...disposition, you don't seem like the kind to just...y'know, whip out a knife on someone without warning." Rei chuckled. "Fair enough."

Silence. "Sooooo..." Rei said, her voice taking on a new tone, "there is the matter of...your loyalties."

Hyuga raised an eyebrow. "My what?"

"Please don't make this more awkward than it really is."

"My...loyalties? To what? Or who, exactly?" Another pregnant pause. "I'm...sorry, Rei, I legitimately have no idea what you're talking about."

"Your relationship to Misato Katsuragi."

"Oh. Oh."

"Yeah."

Hyuga took a deep breath. He knew this was going to come up sooner rather than later. "My relationship to Misato Katsuragi is entirely professional."

"I see."

"I am completely and totally devoted to her as my superior officer, nothing else."

"I understand. So it shouldn't be too much to ask you of...certain favors."

"So, how can I help?"

"Why should I care?"

The response honestly shocked Shinji. He wasn't prepared to hear that kind of talk from a senior NERV officer. He was more used to hearing it from...well, himself. But Aoba was completely nonplussed.

"Because...well..."

"Because why? Higher-ups want to end the world, so it goes." Shinji was quickly realizing why Misato assigned him to Aoba. He silently cussed her out for it, and then sat down next to him.

"Why are you a NERV officer?"

Aoba shrugged. "Mighty bold for the kid who quit several times to ask me why I do what I do."

"I'm asking because I tried to quit several times."

"Touche. Well, I guess you could say that I joined up because they needed people and I needed a job. Not like anyone else around here was hiring, and I'm good at taking directions and getting the job done. Plus, I have the training. At the time, that's all NERV needed. Everything that's happened since?" He shrugged. "Just part of the job. I didn't plan on things going the way they've gone. That's just how they've shaken out."

Shinji sat there, his hands folded. "So, you don't do this for others?"

"Why would I? Not like I have much faith in humanity."

"Or yourself?"

Aoba shrugged again. "C'mon, I work for a shadow government and play guitar. You don't get to this point with self-respect." He laughed. Shinji did not laugh with him. "What, aren't you gonna try and beat a sense of purpose into me like so many other mandated therapy sessions?"

Shinji shook his head. "Nope."

"What?"

"I can't give you a sense of purpose. You have to find that yourself...or at this rate, that purpose will most likely find you. It stands to reason that...well, let's just say, when you do meet your Angelic half, it's gonna do something to you."

"I would think so. Given the whole, you know, process of Synthesis you described and such."

"If you have no skin in this fight, will you at the least not interfere?"

Aoba nodded. "I don't care, man. Do whatever you have to do. Can't get much worse than this."

Oh, but it can. "Thank you. You're free to go."

"At my leisure, even," Aoba said snarkily before returning to his post.

Misato leaned against the door, cocked her gun, and pointed it straight at Ritsuko, finger off the trigger. Ritsuko laughed.

"Good God, Misato, is this really necessary?"

"We're about to find out."

"Come on, what's this all really about? I don't believe you for a second it's 'interrogation practice'."

"Well, you're right. It's not. It's worse."

"What are you talking about?"

"Gendo and Seele want to end humanity. They have this same goal, just different ways of getting there, and different motivations."

"I know that."

"I have a way to prevent it."

That caught Ritsuko's attention. "Oh? One that somehow made it past everyone else, including the Magi?"

"Yes. A rather ingenious strategy called "Everything We Were Ever Told About Everything Is a Lie"."

"Yes, yes, I know, Misato, I know the truth behind Second Impa--"

"The Angels aren't our enemies."

Pause. "Excuse me?"

"The Angels are our soulmates. Literally."

"Says who, exactly? Because this contradicts even the unofficial official narrative. It contradicts our entire purpose here. I'm not exactly jumping up to believe you."

Misato took a deep breath, fondling her Cross. "Says...well, the Angels themselves. They--well, their spirits of a sort--have been incubating in the three children since Asuka's run-in with Arael weeks ago. Fomenting a process called Synthesis, a sort of anti-Instrumentality."

Ritsuko got up as if to leave, seemingly forgetting about the gun pointed right at her. "Let me out. We're through here."

"And where do you think you're going? As I said, we're done when we're done."

"You never said that."

"Well I'm saying it now!" Misato yelled. She recomposed herself. "Listen. We can either listen to the shady motherfuckers who betrayed me, who betrayed you, who refuse to actually divulge their sources, or we can listen to the beings who've done nothing but attack us, but once given the opportunity to communicate, have done so in full view of others and haven't hid anything."

Ritsuko rubbed at her eyes. This was all insane. Actually insane. This couldn't be happening. "You've lost it."

"I've lost it?!" Misato yelled back. "Look at you! You've spent your entire working life distancing yourself from making your mother's mistakes, and yet here we are! Like mother, LIKE GODDAMNED DAUGHTER!"

Line crossed. Threshold breached. No return. Instead of responding with fury, Ritsuko responded with resignation. "Yeah. I know. But...I don't know, it's not like my mother's work is exactly being put to good use here. It's NERV's parameters that set the Magi's algorithms. It's why the only solution to the Angels so far has been violent confrontation. But who am I to say no?"

"You're Ritsuko Akagi, and you have a ridiculous amount of power at your disposal. It's time to stop shelving it out of cowardice, out of a fear of becoming your mother that's already come true to a large degree. You have no faith in yourself, like I had no faith in myself until very, very recently."

"What changed you?"

Misato's swelling of anger was replaced with an admiration. "Seeing my kids...start this new journey has been inspiring. It's made me question a lot of things I took for granted. They're the ones who came up with this idea. I was extremely hesitant, and scared, but..." She shrugged. "I was outvoted."

"Your kids, huh?" Ritsuko said. Her face was nearly invisible in the dark, but her voice had a pinch of bemusement upon it.

"Yeah. My kids."

"Become the mother you wish to see in the world?"

"I could say the same to you," Misato said. "Only instead of actual children, it's, well, what your mom stood for. Or didn't."

"Right."

Misato holstered her pistol and opened the door. Ritsuko looked up and took a deep sigh. In the new light, it was clear she'd been crying, although she'd never admit it.

"Okay, old friend. How can I help?"

Chapter Text

"So, what do we do now?"

Misato drummed her fingers against the arm of her deck chair. "We wait. We're stuck in the middle of a chess match between NERV and Seele. If one of them blinks, we move with the speed of light."

"What's the position of the pieces?" Asuka asked.

Misato squinted at the horizon, as if expecting a new Angel to appear over it. "Nasty. That kind of position where the game could be over in two moves, or stalemate. There's really no telling. There's reports of Evas going into mass production soon, but NERV isn't going to be so willing to give up that monopoly. Or rather, Commander Ikari isn't."

The four of them sat on the balcony as birds chirped.

You need to talk to him. And her.

I know that! Asuka spat. You think my stomach isn't in knots?

Arael chirped. I know, I know, I'm just...emphasizing.

Asuka sighed. "There's something I need to talk about."

"Oh?" Shinji replied. "What is it?"

She swallowed a glob of spit. She felt it land in her stomach. "I've treated you like shit, Shinji."

He stared at her back, slightly dumbfounded.

Asuka started, and like a train it just kept going and going. "I've treated you like shit, I've treated Rei like shit, I've treated Misato like shit, I've treated a lot of people like shit. And I've been, I haven't wanted to talk about it because I thought I was, I was too mean to you. And that you hated me, and would never forgive me for what I did. So I dug deeper, and deeper, and deeper. It's so easy to develop a negative feedback loop that just cycles and cycles and cycles until you die. It's so easy, so intoxicating to hate yourself, better than any drug or emotional high. My mom killed herself in front of me while my dad fucked the nurse, hating myself was maybe the easiest thing I could've ever decided to do. I have to live with a little girl in my head who's the aftereffect of that. And then, then this Angel, they...Arael..." She collapsed on the deck in tears, shuddering.

"H-hey, Asuka?" Shinji said cautiously, "I forgive you."

She looked up at him. "You...you do?"

"Yeah. I'm...going through a lot of the same things as you right now. I'm grappling with being a person deserving of forgiveness. It's...it's not okay, what you did and said to me all those times, but I understand, and I do forgive you. I want to be your friend more than hold some stupid grudge. And look at it this way: you apologizing is growth, heh. Could you imagine you doing something like that when we first met?"

Asuka let out a small laugh. Her chest hurt. "Heh. Nah. Ow..."

"What hurts?"

"My...my chest...ow! OW! Oh God, what--"

Then all of a sudden, searing, fiery pain inside her, like someone jabbed a hot poker inside her heart. It felt like it was...hardening? She yelled incoherently through the pain.

"Oh God!" Shinji wailed as he knelt down, just before Asuka vomited a huge amount of blood. "Misato, quick, we need to--"

Asuka looked up at him. Her eyes were drifting all over the place, before meeting his, and then Misato's, and then Rei's. Be not afraid, they each heard echo loudly through their brains.

"It's happening," Misato said quietly, looking on with horror.

"Ara...Arael..." Asuka croaked as she weakly propped herself up against the railing. Her legs convulsed beneath her. "Arael..."

It's time.

Using the last of her remaining human strength, she lifted herself up and threw herself over the railing. "ASUKA!" Rei screamed. "C'mon, let's go catch her! Quickly!" Misato yelled as she grabbed Shinji and they both ran downstairs.

As she plummeted, her hair turned from radiant red to shock white.

Aufersteh'n!

Resurrect!

Be not afraid, for I am one with you and you are one with me.

Asuka repeated Arael's thought. Be not afraid, for I am one with you and you are one with me.

Ja, aufersteh'n wirst du mein Herz, in einem Nu!

Ye, resurrect my heart in an instant!

Be not afraid, for I am one with you and you are one with me.

Be not afraid, for I am one with you and you are one with me.

Was du geschlagen, was du geschlagen...

What you have conquered, what you have conquered...

Asuka's hair started to feather, and her arms turned into lithe, delicate, but sturdy wings, layered with the most beautiful gradient of colored feathers. Just before she hit the ground, she extended her arms, and low-passed the ground before soaring up into the sky, tears in her eyes.

...zu Gott wird es dich tragen!

...will bear you to God!

We are one, Asuka and Arael, a Synthesis of Adamin and Lilin, a holy creature, blessed by the Unknown One.

Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu, melekh ha'olam, Meshane habriyot.

Take it nice and easy, Asuka, like landing a jump at the sports festival, Arael said gently. It felt like his wings were on Asuka's, or even the same. In reality, they were the same. She breathed cautiously, approached Misato's deck, and touched down with her legs. A familiar face caught her.

"Asuka!" Rei cried, holding her close. Asuka's eyes refocused. Rei was smiling, her face and eyes red and wet. "I thought, I thought you'd..."

"I, I'm here, I'm alive, I..." she stammered.

The door slammed open. "Asuka!" Shinji and Misato yelled, their faces similarly wet and red. Once everyone wiped away tears, they got to take in the new Synthesis.

Asuka was...well, a bird. A girl. A very humanoid bird. Her face was the same, and that was about it. Her hair was blindingly white, except for the four or five inches at the ends which maintained her signature ginger. Her arms looked similar, until she stretched them out and revealed two, large, glorious wings with an exotic coloration that none of them had ever seen before, not even in pre-Impact books and media. Much to her pleasure, she'd filled out her figure to the degree she'd wanted, but most noticeable of all were the soft white feathers covering almost her entire body.

"I always wanted to fly," she said, "and I think Arael helped me realize what form I wanted for the rest of time."

"For the rest of time?" Misato asked.

"Come, feel my chest."

Misato gingerly placed her hand on Asuka's chest, and was alarmed. There was no heartbeat. Instead, there was a gentle warmth, and a soft whirring noise. "Is that what I think it is?" she asked.

"The Fruit of Life, what Lilin call the S2 Engine," answered Asuka.

"Wait, if you have the Fruit of Life and the Fruit of Knowledge, then that means..."

"Syntheses are gods," Rei finished. "Or close to them. The closest to divinity that we can ever hope to know or experience."

"And this is what awaits us...if we win?" Shinji asked.

"Yes."

They stood in stunned silence. Rei decided to break the seriousness a little bit.

"I, I think you're very pretty, Asuka-Arael," Rei said, holding her hand.

"We'll come up with a more wieldy name soon," Asuka said with a smile. "Just call me Asuka in the meantime. I'm still Asuka, after all!"

"You sure are, sweetie," Misato said, "and we love you just like that."

As Misato and Rei closed in to hug Asuka, she made eye contact with Shinji. They communicated entire with their eyes.

Thank you for being my friend, they said wordlessly to each other.

Asuka laid next to Rei that night, deep in thought. It was time to visit the Mindscape.

She arrived to find party banners decorating the kitchen. Arael, now a physical being, and Aussie were there to greet her.

"Heyyyyyy, there she is!" Arael said happily.

"Big Asuka!" Aussie exclaimed. For the first time since her arrival in the Mindscape eight years prior, she was smiling.

"Hey, guys," Asuka said with relief. "I'm home again."

Chapter Text

Rei laid next Asuka, who was happily cooing away. Her feathers ruffled, the soft thrumming of her new heart providing all the heat she could ever need. It was one of the strangest experiences of Rei's life, but not the strangest.

"So that's the form they chose for their synthesis?" Armisael asked, her voice full of a curious wonderment.

"Yeah, apparently," Rei replied. "Gotta say, it kinda works. Never thought Asuka as a bird would fit so well."

"Have you had a chance to think about our form yet, Rei dear?"

Dammit. "No, sorry...it's been a really busy few days."

"It's okay, sweetie! Of all the children, we have probably the easiest path to synthesis. Asuka and Arael had to go through horrifying transformations, and Shinji and Tabris are going to have to go through emotional hell to get there. But us?" Armisael held Rei's hand. "We're gonna do just fine."

"That transformation was terrifying, I will say."

"Eugh, right? I get why you'd be scared."

"It feels like cheating."

"Hm?"

Rei smiled. "There's not a lot I have to do. Just admit my humanity."

"Lot harder than it sounds. Some people go their entire lives without doing so."

"But I'm freshly human, and there's no time to appreciate it like the present."

"You like being human?"

"It's amazing," Rei said. "I feel whole, I feel complete, I feel happy, I feel like doing things has a point."

Armisael smiled. "You even got yourself a girlfriend."

"Aw, well, heh," Rei blushed. "Not my fault she hit on me."

"As she should have! It wouldn't have worked between you two before this event, but now, look at her! You two are adorable."

"Thanks, Armisael."

Rei looked at Asuka sleeping next to her. She'd been through so much pain, and yet here she was, having her first restful sleep since she was a child. There was something inspiring about it. She needed to talk to someone. Not Armisael.

"Hey, Lilith?" she called out.

A few seconds of silence, and then from the depths of her chest came a "Ah, Rei."

"I want to talk to you."

The two sat at the campfire in Gan Eden, roasting marshmallows. Armisael strummed on her guitar. "So, what did you wanna talk about?" Lilith asked, her mouth full of s'more.

"I want to learn about all of this from your perspective."

"All of this?"

"Tell me about Adam."

Lilith blinked. Her face tried to hide deep sorrow, but even the patroness of the Black Moon couldn't hide all of her emotions. "Ah, Adam...what a man. I miss him every day."

"You miss him?"

"Yes. We were lovers."

"I see."

"All Adamin and Lilin are naturally, and when they combine they form a new being called Evin. It was Adam and I's goal to become Eve on Earth--a perfectly holy union. Unfortunately, some meddlers got in the way of that goal."

"But how?" Rei asked, confused. "I thought you two weren't allowed in contact with each other."

"Normally, yes. But the Unknown One's responsibilities end the minute the Seeds are generated and sent out to the void. If they land on the same planet, so be it; they must learn to coexist somehow. For us, though, that wasn't a problem; landing on the same planet was the goal. At first, it was delightful, and we walked the surface of the Earth, watching it change over time. Eventually, we decided it was time for me to release my progeny upon the Earth. Lilin. He was supposed to follow next, but because his Moon landed after mine, he was unable to. So depressed, he went back into the White Moon and refused to return. That was the last I ever saw of him."

"Around the start of your 21st century, both of our Moons were violated by Lilin. I don't necessarily grudge against them for doing so; I'd made them purposefully curious, their so-called Fruit of Knowledge. But what they did to Adam, and me, was nigh unforgiveable. I'm sure you're aware of all the grisly details by now. They even made a child out of the combination of a Lilin and Adam, a child that became the Angel Tabris. The explosion destroyed Adam and his Moon, and with it released billions of Adamin Geiste, who would roam the world in search of Lilin to bond with, as was their purpose."

"And now, we're here. When you free the Geist of my beloved from the body of That Man, we will reunite and merge into Eve, and Synthesis will take place instantly all over the Earth. Gan Eden will be restored for creatures of Earth."

"How?" Rei asked.

"See where we are now?" Lilith asked. "Right now, to you and Armisael, it appears as nothing but void--progeny of Adam and myself were cast out of the Garden, so it's closed to you. But when Evin are born, they will be able to enter this joyous, beautiful, surreal land. It won't replace Earth. It will exist separately, but simultaneously."

"I'm..."

"Confused?" Lilith sipped her cocoa and took another bite of s'more. "That's understandable. It'll all make sense with time, Rei darling. But this I'll say right now: I'm so proud of you and your friends. You will always have my gratitude."

Gasp.

She was back in Asuka's room. The other girl shuffled, then continued cooing gently. Rei's breathing was escalated, her forehead sweaty. I need air. She found an old friend on the deck with her.

"Shinji," she said.

"Rei."

"Shinji, I think...I'm close."

"I was wondering."

"I just need to embrace my new humanity, and I have. I love being my own person. I want to help others be their own people, too."

Shinji smiled. "I'm very glad to hear that."

"How are you doing?"

He sighed. "I...don't know. It's been really, really hard. But I think I'm ready. It should be soon. Very soon."

"Wanna do it together?"

He gasped. Tabris...

I heard. I like the idea.

She smiled at him. It wasn't like looking at his mother anymore. Rei's smile was less distant, less...not hers, if that made any sense. Is she safe?

I think so, said Tabris gently.

"Hold my hands."

He took Rei's hands into his own, and they looked into each other's eyes. One. Two. Three.

They took a deep breath, and then doubled over in the horrible burning pain that had made Asuka vomit blood earlier that day.

T-Tabris...

It's okay, Leliel. You have this. I believe in you.

Leliel winced hard, trying not to scream as two round, large breasts grew out of her chest, her skin feeling like it was tearing as new skin and nerves grew. Tabris, I'm so scared.

I know. But you're so brave. This is the hardest thing you've ever done. C'mon, let's go the distance.

Rei was weathering much better. It helped that her synthesis form was less...physically arduous to achieve. Be not afraid, for I am one with you and you are one with me.

Armisael repeated the line. Be not afraid, for I am one with you and you are one with me.

I love you.

And I love you, Rei.

Be not afraid, for I am one with you and you are one with me!

Armisael shouted with glee. Be not afraid, for I am one with you and you are one with me, Rei!

Be not afraid, for I am one with you and you are one with me, Leliel. She'd do anything for that voice.

Be not afraid, for I am one with you and you are one with me, Tabris. Her bones started to change shape, which might be the most painful thing she'd ever experienced. She bit down on the arm of a deck chair to keep herself from screaming. Tabris continued his calming routine. Deep breaths, Lel. Deep breaths. Keep the goal in mind.

Rei looked to the stars. We are one, Rei and Armisael, a Synthesis of Adamin and Lilin, a holy creature, blessed by the Unknown One.

Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu, melekh ha'olam, Meshane habriyot. With the recitation of the blessing, Rei-Armisael collapsed in a chair. She'd only made one cosmetic change: she was now about 4 inches taller.

I'm glad you're happy with the form we gave you, Armisael told her.

I want to treasure it forever. Now, what about Shin--

She looked over to see the transformation in progress and was alarmed by all the convulsing and contorting.

I did say they'd go through emotional hell.

Physical too, it seems.

We are one, Leliel and Tabris, a Synthesis of Adamin and Lilin, a holy creature, blessed by the Unknown One.

Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu, melekh ha'olam, Meshane habriyot.

Congratulations, Lel. You did it.

She teetered precariously, completely caught off balance by the sudden weight redistribution. "WOAHHHHH!" she cried out, nearly falling over before Rei-Armisael caught her.

"I see," she said, raising an eyebrow.

Leliel gulped. "I, I, uh--"

She put a finger to her mouth to silence her mid-stammer. "You're gorgeous. What's your name?"

"L-Leliel."

Rei-Armisael smiled. "I get it. A fitting name."

"How am I going to explain this to the others?"

"I have a feeling we're going to have a lot to talk about in the morning. Let's get some sleep, first."

"I can't believe I didn't see that coming."

Armisael clucked. "Intuition not up to snuff yet, I see. Anyone could've seen that coming."

Rei fed a golden deer that had walked up to her, Gan Eden transformed into a veritable paradise. "I guess we're gonna find out how intuitive the others are tomorrow."