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The past few streams have been a headache for Foolish and this one was no different. Streaming was normally a fun thing to do, playing whatever he wanted, watching random videos and having a laugh with his chat. However, recently every stream has become more and more stressful.
He always stated that he hated puzzle games, always making excuses to avoid playing those types of games or would deliberately throw during them to make it entertaining without having to attempt it. Recently he has found himself having to play more puzzle games than he wanted. Between Punz inviting him to events and tournaments and playing Flipping Death with Karl, he found his streams becoming much less enjoyable. It was nothing against any of his friends or the games, it was just the puzzles that became too much.
Every time there was a puzzle he didn’t understand or struggled on, it made him feel stupid. Chat’s constant unhelpful comments only added fuel to the fire and he had a headache in record time. The thought of seeming stupid in front of so many people worried him greatly. It pushed him to try and do something that would be perceived as smart but the situation only made him stumble over his words and create a downwards slope of confusion and pressure.
Foolish knew he was smart, he went through school, got decent grades and then moved onto college where he got his degree. He knew he would not have be able to do that if he was stupid, but he also knows he can say dumb things sometimes, He accepts the title of being a ‘himbo’ and will laugh at himself when he says something a bit silly. But there is a difference between being called a himbo and being called stupid. Stupid was always said harshly with no respect behind it. He always tried to brush off those feelings, but sometimes it was hard.
Especially now. He was currently streaming the Minecraft escape room event and having a very bad time.
When Punz asked him to join his team for the event he was initially hesitant to accept the invite due to the stress that the last event caused him. He knew Punz wasn’t inviting him because he’s notorious for solving riddles but because his boyfriend gets clingy and likes to have him around. After a call with the man, he finally caved and agreed to join the event, he would do anything to make his boyfriend happy and apparently escape rooms was a source for that happiness.
The start of the event wasn’t too bad, it wasn’t great but it also wasn’t terrible. That was until they reached the library section. Foolish couldn’t wrap his head around any of it, no matter how hard he tried he just didn’t understand what was happening. He managed to solve a few riddles and find some of the books but after that his brain was fried. There was too much information being chucked about for him to keep up with and everyone was talking over each other. It was becoming overwhelming.
Taking his character to the corner of the room he started to play the music he knew would calm him down while also distracting chat from the game. Having the jammies emote spammed was so much easier to deal with than people telling him what to do. Chat didn’t question Foolish stepping back from the discussion neither did his team so he stayed back as much as possible.
After Punz figured out the library, the rest of the event went rather quickly. Foolish stuck to his tactic of staying back and letting the rest of the team figure out what to do while he helps in smaller ways.
He foolishly thought once they finished the maps everything would calm down and he could finally relax. However, he was quickly proven wrong as once they had completed the last challenge, chat spamming how bad they did compared to the other teams. Even the official twitter page posted a few tweets mocking some of their less than smart moments.
Once again the headache came back. He just wanted to move past today and go back to doing streams he was more comfortable with. The ones where he could build for hours and let his creativity shine or a game where he can laugh and talk with his friends. He may still get frustrated during those streams but it’s nowhere near the level of stress the puzzle games cause him.
Despite his team laughing off the criticism, it just felt like more pressure pushing down on his head. He just wanted to end his stream, get on his bed and hide himself from the world for the rest of the day. He also craved the reassurance and affirmations from his boyfriend. He needed his boyfriend there as just his boyfriend, not his streaming friend and team member. Together they had managed to form a relationship that was separate from their streaming lives; it was important to them to separate business from their personal lives. That didn’t mean they wouldn’t stream together; they just knew not to mix the two too much. It did leave a few issues though, such as now when Foolish wants his loving boyfriend but instead is getting his infuriating best friend laughing at him.
Sometimes it was hard having your boyfriend there but not being able to get the same comfort from them because of the cameras. Foolish wouldn’t admit it to Punz, but it did leave him feeling worse, pretending to just be friends when in reality he wanted the soft spoken words of comfort.
Punz as a boyfriend is nothing but supportive, kind and caring. He only built Foolish up and went out of his way to make him feel special. Punz as a friend on the other hand, was brutally honest and sometimes gets too caught up in a bit to realise Foolish’s distress.
He can’t blame Punz fully though. He knows the other struggles a bit with tones and social cues. There have been plenty of late night calls filled with reassurance and worry over a joke going too far or Punz not knowing if something was a joke or not. From experience he knows he needs to be up front with the other if he wants to change anything, but doing that needed a whole lot of courage he didn’t have just yet.
For now he was just going to focus on his stream. Leaving the Minecraft server he pulled up a youtube tab and started a new episode of Hell’s Kitchen. It was brainless tv he could just watch and not think about anything else.
The thought of Punz being disappointed in him still lingered in the back of head. It drove him down the dark path of self doubt that not even Gordon Ramsey’s shouting could block out. After only one episode, Foolish decided it was best to just end the stream. Seeing that Punz was still live he started a raid and wished his chat a good day or night before stopping the stream.
Turning off the camera Foolish immediately slumped in his seat, the smile falling from his face. The tension in his shoulders seeped out as he no longer held himself up straight. He could feel tears building in his eyes as he lay his head in his arms on top of the table. The build up of frustration, pain in his head and relief of it being over was hitting him. It was just an overwhelming day and his body and mind was trying to wash it away. No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down his face.
Sitting there with his head on his desk listening to the noise of valorant game play blast through his headphones. However, the light and sound from his computer weren’t doing his head any favours and soon he had to turn off the machine, plunging the room into darkness. The sun had set a while ago and after the computer shut off, the room was only luminated by street lamps shining through the window.
Eventually, he ran out of tears and energy. Wiping his face of left over teardrops he pushed himself off his chair. Getting ready for bed in record time despite how sluggish he felt, the promise of his bed was just too enticing to delay it.
Falling into bed he quickly buried his face into his pillows letting the soft fabric and familiarity ease his brain. He still couldn’t get rid of the small nagging voice in the back of his head telling him Punz was disappointed in him, annoyed that he failed, that maybe Punz would realise he wasn’t as skilled as he was and drop him altogether.
No. That’s stupid. Punz wouldn’t break up with him over Minecraft of all things, right? Right? Getting dumped over Minecraft would single handedly be the most embarrassing thing to ever happen to him.
Getting to sleep that night was a challenge that night. He couldn’t slow the thoughts in his head down enough to actually relax and fall asleep. At one point he tried putting Punz’s stream, normally his boyfriend’s voice brought him comfort and safety, but hearing him now, shouting at a Valorant game, only made his anxiety grow.
Was he the reason Punz was snapping at his teammates so quickly? Had he annoyed Punz that much earlier? If he was frustrated himself he can’t imagine how irritated everyone else was at him.
At some point Foolish must’ve fallen asleep as he woke up early morning with his alarm blaring on his bedside table. Getting up felt like more of a task than it has in days, so instead he turned off the alarm and hid under his covers again. There were still remnants of his headache that only amplified the post-crying groggy feeling.
He was content in blocking out the world and bundling himself up in the warmth of his covers. The sun shone through the gap of the curtains that were clumsily shut last night. The small amount of heat supplied by the sun kept the small amount of exposed skin just as warm.
All he wants and needs is his boyfriend next to him ready to console and soothe him from all his worries. To prove the little negative voices wrong and assure him that it’s all okay. However, he was alone in his bed and no matter how warm the room was his bed always felt a little too cold.
He still remembers what it’s like to sleep next to the human heater that is Punz. Curling into the warmth, moving the other how he wanted to find the ultimate comfort spot. It took him a week after Twitch Rivals to get used to his own bed again. He was only in Vegas for a few days but that didn’t stop him from getting used to his boyfriend being by his side for practically the full day. Now whenever he was alone he couldn’t help but feel a little too cold.
From the side he could hear his phone start buzzing, the vibrating against the wood table was making a horrible noise. Having an internal battle whether to ignore the call and deal with the noise or answer it, get rid of the noise, but then he would have to talk to whoever was on the other side. Deciding to leave the phone he focussed on the sound of birds singing outside instead. It was working, it even nearly sent him back to sleep, that was until his ringtone sounded out. Only a few people got past his do not disturb mode and only one had that ringtone.
Finally sitting up he reached across the bed and picked up the phone.
“Foolish! Are you okay? You haven’t answered anyone and haven’t even read my texts.” The worry in Punz’s voice felt like daggers in Foolish’s stomach. Great , not only did he annoy Punz, he’s worrying him now.
“Uhm, yeah… Sorry, I didn’t mean to concern you. I just- I haven’t-” Foolish tripped over his words. He wasn’t sure how to go about this, he didn’t know how Punz was feeling now. “I’ve been sleeping, sorry, I haven’t checked my phone.”
“Sleeping? It’s midday. you never sleep this late. Seriously, are you alright?” Punz sounded a mix of concern and seriousness. “You sound off, are you sick?”
“No, it’s, it’s just been a tough night I guess.”
“Foolish?”
“Yesterday were you- You’re not still-” Spit it out, c’mon. “Are you still mad at me?” He couldn’t stop the crack in his voice or the tears starting to form again.
“Mad? Why would I be mad?” There was shuffling from the other side of the phone and Punz was coming across more alert. “Baby, I’m not angry at you whatsoever.”
Does he not remember the absolute failure that happened yesterday? Foolish couldn’t forget how he let the other down, so why is Punz not mad?
Foolish sat up in his bed but kept the covers pulled up to his chest. “The tournament. You know the one I fucked up and ruined for you.”
“Foolish,” Punz gave a sigh and his heart rate spiked. Maybe he wasn’t angry but instead just disappointed. Before his thoughts could continue he was cut off by Punz continuing. “You didn’t fuck anything up. Do you really think that you did?”
“I know that I messed it up. You saw how bad I did at the parkour and what the twitter page posted. I dragged the team down.”
“No, don’t do this, it wasn’t your fault at all. We did well! We finished in a good place and we all had a bit of fun. Yeah, you stumbled a bit at the parkour, but it’s not like any of us were perfect. We all made mistakes, it was just for fun anyway.”
“But I ruined your fun. I made it less enjoyable and more frustrating.” His tears had dried up but he was still feeling a little blue. “You were so mad at Valorant afterwards as well, I ruined the mood of everyone there.”
“Babe, listen to me. You made it so much better, if I had to do that with another group I probably would’ve flown off the handle at someone. It did get very frustrating sometimes, but believe me when I say that it would’ve been worse without you. And the Valo match? That was just shitty teammates, nothing to do with you.”
“Oh, okay.” Relief flowed through his body and eased his mind. He had his supportive boyfriend back who was ready to reassure him.
“I’m sorry, was I a little too harsh yesterday?” After the whole Twitch Rivals blow up after they lost, Punz had been trying to work on his tone so that Foolish wouldn’t spiral like he had again.
“No, you were fine, there’s just been too many streams that have required my brain recently and it’s just given me a week long headache. I think it just all became too much and by the end of the tournament I was just in a bad place, I guess. Chat was calling me stupid and it got to me.” Foolish mumbled into his phone, he felt a dumb saying it out loud now that he knew Punz wasn’t even annoyed. Twisting his sheets between his fingers fighting the urge to bite his nails.
“Aw, honey, I’m sorry that happened. You’re not stupid, you know that. You were a great help yesterday, I’m really proud of you.” Punz’s voice was soft. It melted Foolish and he finally let himself relax into the bed.
Getting the reassurance he needed from his boyfriend, he let all the tension out of his body. His mind was finally clearing from the fog and heaviness of self doubt. Now he was just itching to get up, stretch and shower, but he didn’t want to say goodbye to Punz so soon.
“I miss you.” Foolish whispered the words as if it were a secret.
“I know, I miss you more. We’ll meet up soon, I promise.” Punz whispered back, love oozing out his words.
“Pinky promise?” Foolish giggled, he knew it was a bit childish but the happiness blooming in his chest with the promise of seeing Punz again made him feel giddy.
“Yeah, pinky promise.” The smile was evident in Punz’s voice and it only made the grin on his face grow.
“Good.”
“How about you get ready, then we can play Valo or something that won’t use your brain too much so we can just have fun. No need to stream either.” Punz proposed.
Foolish was so glad he had Punz, someone who knew him on a level he wasn’t sure he even knew himself at. “Sounds perfect. Thank you.”
“Cool, Go get ready then, I’ll see you in fifteen.”
“Okay, love you.”
“Love you more,” and before Foolish could try and argue or one up, Punz hung up the call.
Foolish stood up, finally leaving his bed to rush to the shower and with a permanent grin on his face he got ready as fast as possible so he could start his relaxing day with his boyfriend.