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Roy’s only been back in his apartment for a week when she gets there.
“Mommy!” Lian calls, darting across the dark wood floor to embrace her. She presses her head into her chest and clutches her tight as Jade strokes her hand against her daughter’s hair. It’s in tiny tight braids that go into a little butterfly clip on the top of her head. She knows Roy did it.
Jade takes her time in the hug to look her daughter over and listen to every word that falls out of her daughter’s mouth with intensity. Doesn’t look up until she absolutely has to meet his eyes.
Roy is frowning and has his arms crossed. He’s in one of those dumb red ragged henleys of his with the sleeves rolled up. There’s a smear of oil on his cheek.
She breaks eye contact first and bends down to kiss Lian on her head.
“Is there anything you want to show me?” she asks, hoping her daughter pulls her towards her room, away from the man looking at her like he knows her.
“Yeah! C’mon, I painted this new drawing,” Lian says, tugging at her arm. Jade laughs as she follows. That was Lian, always her savior.
“Jade,” Roy says, gripping her arm tight, stopping the two of them from moving. She’s torn between the two of them. Her daughter’s small hand does not let go. She just turns back and looks at them.
Her eyes are the same as the ones Jade looks at in the mirror. It makes her stomach twist.
“Let me talk to your mom for a quick sec,” Roy tells her, flashes his daughter a smile that Jade has never seen. He has expressions just for Lian and when he turns to look at her, his face shifts into one of the expressions he only has for her.
“You didn’t tell me you were coming,” he says once their daughter leaves them. She opens her mouth to respond and feels a smirk tugging at her lips. She didn’t use to have to announce her presence at all. But the words die in her throat as she looks at his serious expression. “Jade, you’re supposed to,” and she knows he’s referring to their agreement, the one where she gave him custody. And she says gave, but really it wasn’t like she had a choice. There was no possibility of her being the one to get to keep Lian once he and the others found out about her. No one would ever side with her over him and his precious titans. She swallows.
“I know,” she says. “But I was in town, I thought,” that you might like to see me.
She thinks that she might hate Roy Harper and the way that he makes her want to say things that she never wanted to say before.
“I’m not in town often.” is what she finally settles on and tilts her head to the side. “You gonna make me leave?” And here’s the thing, she knows he’s not, knows that he missed her from the way his eyes sweep over her. He’s melting.
At the end of the day, Roy Harper may have everyone else fooled, may have tricked his titans into thinking all he ever wants to do is move around but she knows him, knows he dreams of tucking her into his side and keeping her where he can see her. Of making a home together, just the three of them.
She lets him dream, shows up every so often, and lets him make his dreams a reality.
“Come here,” he says and pulls her close. He puts her head in his hair and just breathes deeply, like he’s memorizing her scent. “Where have you been?”
“I can ask you the same thing,” she says. “How did the mission go?”
“How’d you know about that?” She just looks at him. He bends his head down and lets his lips graze the top of her head. “Have you been keeping tabs on me, Miss Nguyen?”
“Do you want me to?” She asks back, angling her head so that their lips brush together.
She used to know where he was, so she knew where not to be. It was fun at first running into him when he was with his titans, then letting him chase after her. But like all games, the cat and mouse routine eventually got boring, and then she got pregnant and there were no more games.
“Only if I get to know where you are, too.” He mummers into her lips. Then he leans back and lets her go. She hates that she’s cold without him and that she wants to be back in her arms.
The type of job she has doesn’t allow for her to have safe spaces, but Roy’s always tried to make it clear to her that he’ll be that space if she lets him but that would mean staying here and Jade doesn’t stay anywhere. His arms could be her fortress, but it could also be her prison.
“C’mon,” He says, doesn’t reach back for her hand but just walks and trusts her at his back as he leaves the room to go find their daughter. Their daughter has school projects and progress reports to show proudly. She has art pieces that she’s made that she wants Jade to touch, to feel the texture of the paints beneath her hand. Lian points out every shade of green because she knows that is Jade’s favorite color. Roy stands over the couch where they sit and points out things he contributed.
‘That could have been you' he basically says after each sentence. Lian could have come to her mother if her mother had been there. Lian could have practiced presenting to her mother if her mother had been there. Lian could have built her diorama, could have done her school experiments with her mother if—
Jade shut her eyes.
She’s read the parenting books and the books about children with divorced parents (even though she and Roy were not married and never would be) and she knows that every professional would look at the life they’ve cobbled together for their daughter and shame her.
They would shame her from the beginning, disagree with her choice to keep Lian away from the titans, would look at her and her baby on the run and say “You should have trusted him, parenthood is about partnership, is about compromise,”
But the thing none of those books get is that Jade’s already compromised so much for them.
She never found anything that explains her own feelings, the exhilaration and protectiveness she feels whenever she sees Lian, the tenderness she can’t crush when she’s brushing her daughter’s hair, the clawing feeling up her throat every second she spends inside of their home where there are all these signs of Roy&Lian and none of her.
She thinks it might be fear, that she’s afraid that if she really tries, she could find a place here, that it wouldn’t take much for Roy to convince her to stay. But it could also be the knowledge that she doesn’t belong here, that Jade’s place has always been on the road, running as far as she can from anything that could chain her down.
Jade’s been running a long time. Lian almost made her stop. Roy almost stopped her. She doesn’t know if that makes her hate or love them more.
“Do you want to stay for dinner?” Roy asks. “You know, since you happened to be in town.” ‘How long will you stay?’ his eyes ask her.
And he knows, knows that she’s thinking about whether she belongs here, wondering how much longer she can remain in his home before she’s itching to leave again.
“I didn’t bring any clothes,” she says. Meaning she doesn’t know if she can stay the night.
“I’m sure you left some things here,” Always with a solution as easy as breathing.
Her eyes flick to her daughter, who smiles at her.
“I can stay and eat,” she says. It’s slow and hesitant. Roy leans over to kiss the top of her head. She can feel him smiling.
“Only if you want.”