Chapter Text
To say that the last four years of Taehyung's life had been wild, was to be mild. Tasteless. Boring, even.
Comparing his emotional ups and downs to a rollercoaster was also very inaccurate.
The insane ride he'd been on could only be describable by saying he'd been standing in the eye of an hurricane when the storm was at it's disastrous peak. He had been picked up by the forces of nature and the sadistic slim fingers of destiny, and throw into the air like a frail piece of paper, without knowing how to fly, much less how to land. He had touched the clouds in one minute, and been slammed into the ground in the next, all while having no idea as to when the tempest would pass, and when the winds of time would let him go.
Yes. That painted a clearer picture.
It all had started four years ago, when BTS had officially decided to take a break, and all the members had gone solo.
For most of them, this change of routine was refreshing. They were putting out project after new project, enjoying their work life again, all while still having the support of their fans AND keeping in contact with each other. The general consensus was that this time apart as a group was necessary, to recharge their batteries and expand their creative horizons. That things were great and that some alone time was good...
Well, that's the rehearsed speech that his hyungs and Jungkook kept repeating in interviews.
Taehyung himself didn't feel like that at all. He just knew, for a fact, that this was the beginning of the end. That this was the crack in the ice that would separate them for good, and send them drifting into opposite directions.
But he wasn't going to bother his brothers with his fears and worries, of course not. Not when he could see how proud, excited, and happy they were about their new ambitions and adventures. He wasn't that big of a selfish dick. As long as they were happy, he would be too... Or at least, he'd try his hardest to fake his happiness. For their sake, he would. And he tried. God, how did he try.
Instead of talking with them about his insecurities, he decided to shove them all in a tiny box, close it shut with a yellow and black tape that read "Do not open", and he threw that crap into the darkest crevices of his mind, to be completely forgotten by time.
He'd deal with his fear of abandonment later... Right?
Wrong. Definitely wrong. The box opened up without his permission, while he wasn't looking, and the poisonous thoughts that it contained started to slowly, but surely, contaminating his insides.
He put out two albums in the meanwhile. Travelled the world. Hung out with his other friends -until he convinced himself that they didn't need him around either.- Had a handful of relationships. Suffered the worst of heartaches. Cried alone in a bunch of different hotel rooms. Got drunk in shitty bars. Danced with strangers in shady nightclubs. Pushed his torso out of cars windows and laughed like a maniac about nothing in particular, as the wind hit his face and his hollow chest. Somehow avoided most of his private affairs and dramas going viral, by making everyone, their mothers and their dogs sign NDAs, before even saying hello to them. Performed. Exercised. Talked with his fans. Got emotional over the free love he received from them.
And above all, avoided his fellow members.
Call him a jerk, but seeing how happy they were without the group, for three entire fucking years hurt. Seeing how happy they were without him - is what he actually wanted to say-, hurt.
So, as winter rolled around, he started to pull away even more. Said he was "too busy" to chat. That the time differences between countries didn't allow him to communicate properly. Created fake stories to make up for his ever growing absence, and turned his back on everyone he knew, until he eventually disappeared for yet another year.
(He didn't do it because he hated anyone, but because he loved their little family, and watching it basically disintegrate in front of him was too fucking much for him to handle.)
So yes. In the end, he left. Because it was easier, not because it felt right.
And of course, since he couldn't stand isolation, he began to mingle around with the wrong crowd. Because the path followed by a sad, young, rich superstar usually was one of self destruction, and it was never walked alone.
After these twelve self-imposed months of physical and emotional exile, it is obvious that his family was worried. That his friends were worried. His agency, the government, the world of music... everyone, was worried.
His brothers specifically were collectively losing their shit.
But - he assumed-, as long as he didn't have any real scandals, their concern wasn't justifiable...
Until of course, he had one.
Well, not really a scandal, per se... But a public breakup, with an American model he was dating.
She was a nice person, overall. But, just as himself, also a really troubled, lonely one.
They thought that two empty shells of a being might create a single, more healthy one, but... It was a disaster. From beginning to end, their relationship was an emotional wreck. All the amazing sex they had wasn't worth the anxiety, the jealousy, the toxicity, the codependency... Everything that came with it.
In their case, two halves couldn't make a whole. Not when both pieces were part of completely different puzzles.
They wanted to feel alive, but suffering wasn't the way to go. They wanted the fantasy love, the mythical romance, but couldn't even love themselves as they were.
And, to top it all off, they both knew, going into this mess, that the shattered pieces of their hearts already belonged to someone else. That kisses, touches, empty promises in the middle of the night while fucking relentlessly, were the equivalent to patching up a wound with masking tape. It would fix the problem for a bit, but eventually it would all fall apart, and there would blood everywhere again. Sex for them wasn't healing, when the feeling wasn't there.
They cared for each other. Were good friends. But that's it. That's how far their emotions went. And it wasn't enough.
So they decided to break up, after six months of... Whatever they had going on. Not with another one of their big fights. And definitely not while screaming, pushing each other, or trying manipulate the results of their actions to make themselves look like saints.
They just cried. Hugged each other. Said goodbye.
And then the pictures of their parting went viral.
Her response to the situation was the typical western one; writing an emotional open letter about it and posting it on Twitter, confirming that the two would remain good friends, but that their relationship was, most definitely, over.
And she also posted a selfie. Because of course she fucking did.
His response, on the other hand, was the brought-up-in-the-Idol-business one; he let his PR team and manager deal with the situation at first, then popped up online and wrote a few vague paragraphs talking about it.
It seemed at little cold to some, but Taehyung didn't really care at this point.
She wouldn't lose her entire career because of a simple breakup, but he could. So he played it safe, professional, and didn't say anything more than what was necessary.
Even though the rupture did affect him, deeply.
Because, if he was honest with himself, everyone fucking left him, didn't they? Everyone eventually left.
First his parents had to leave him with his grandparents when he was younger. (They were working to give him a better life, and he couldn't find enough words to thank them for their sacrifices, but still, it hurt).
Then, his grandparents passed away. (And he wasn't there to say goodbye, when he should have been).
His hometown friends stopped talking to him because of his fame, and because of the jealousy that came with it. (In other words, those friendships were never as pure and reliable as he'd imagined. But losing that one sense of normalcy still sucked).
His fellow members drifted apart and asked for a break. (He knew that they were tired, and needed some time to rest, but again... It pained him).
And of course, he had to lose his girlfriend too.
Fantastic. Just freaking, fucking fantastic.
To deal with his ever growing loneliness, he went on several benders.
The first one happened when he was in Paris, the city of love, and the city of underground clubbing. Literally.
One of his chic model friends was into urban exploration and invited him to the catacombs. It was technically illegal to be down there, but at this point, any thrill would do. He needed to feel alive. And if partying over 200 years old bones and skulls helped, he wasn't declining the invitation.
And -as crazy as it seems-, this instance wasn't the most bonkers adventure he had since his break-up.
(Doing a show in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia and waking up in Bangkok, Thailand, with no clues as to how he even got there? Now THAT was insane.)
After the aforementioned disaster, even his manager insisted that he needed to get some help. His drinking habit was getting out of hand, he was blacking out more and more frequently, and his behavior was erratic, to out it mildly.
He needed to chill, come back to earth. But that would require going home. Resting. Thinking about the mess that his life currently was. And he didn't want to do that.
His shock came when, out of the blue and uninvited, Jimin showed up at the hotel he was staying at, a month after his overnight disappearance in Malaysia.
Things hadn't gotten better since then. In fact, they had managed to somehow get worse. Taehyung was most definitely not okay, even if he refused to admit it.
And that's why, going against his wishes, his manager contacted Jimin. It was the only one of the six members of BTS whose number he personally had, and one of the few people that he knew, could help him fix this mess.
Seeing his best friend in person, after a year of radio silence, was a terrifying experience for Taehyung. Amplify his fear by knowing that he also had been madly in love with said best friend for most of his adult life (one of the main reasons why him and his girlfriend didn't work out), and you can really understand just how panicked he was.
"J-Jimin-ah?"
"Won't you let me in?" His way of speaking made it obvious; he was pissed off.
And rightfully so, of course. Taehyung hadn't completely dropped off of the face of earth, but that's how it felt like for him, after not getting a single text, call or voicemail for twelve months. Jimin only knew he was alive because he kept seeing pictures of him -that other people took-, online. But the man himself hadn't reached out to him at all. Only vanished, ghosting his worried stream of messages and avoiding picking up the phone every single time he called.
So yeah, he was rightfully pissed off.
"Come in." Taehyung whispered, moving away from the door.
His hotel room in London was spacious, but messy. Clothes scattered everywhere, luggage wide open and on display on the floor, empty bottles and cans in every corner; it felt like anything but a place he'd like to sleep in. It was so... Chaotic. Disorganized. And not in the childish, lazy old Taehyung way.
No, no. This was a huge warning sign. Jimin knew it right off the bat, and was thankful that Tae's manager had contacted him.
"Don't you have room service in this place?" His jab wasn't at all subtle, and neither did he want it to be.
"I got here yesterday. They haven't dropped by yet."
"You drank all of this since yesterday?!"
"Yes?"
Jimin gulped nervously, observed his surroundings one more time, and then put his hands on his hips, resembling an exasperated and concerned mother.
"Taehyung, what the fuck."
"I had some friends over, okay?... They just left early. I didn't drink all of this by myself."
"Yeah, looking at the bed I can definitely see how they were great friends of yours."
"That's not..."
"Don't try to play innocent." Jimin interrupted him. "What the hell is going on here?... This isn't like you!"
The other singer couldn't help but snort, as he sat down on the edge of the matress, already knowing he'd get scolded. His eyes moved to the ground and he found an already open bottle of whiskey there, next to his left foot. He didn't even had breakfast yet, but he took a swig anyway. He knew he'd need it.
"And what am I like, then?... Tell me. Because we haven't seen each other in so long, I feel like you don't know the answer anymore."
"And whose fault is that?"
Taehyung chuckled, half amused, half resented.
"You abandoned me waaay before I started pulling away from all of you." Another swig.
Because of this accusation, Jimin got angry. Pulled the bottle away from his hands. Still kind of tipsy from the night before, Taehyung couldn't fight for dominance over the alcohol. His reflexes were too slow, and he was actually scared of the dancer. He just didn't want to admit it, because doing so would make him validate the thought that he had screwed everything up. If he was innocent, there wasn't a reason for him to be scared, was it?
"You're saying that because you're drunk."
"I'm saying that because it's true." He bit back. "Everyone in my life leaves, you know... My family... My friends... I just never expected you and the members to."
"We didn't leave you."
"No, we 'took a break' from each other. Because that isn't the same thing at all, right?" Taehyung's sarcasm was surprising, even to himself. "Tell me, before I left, how many times did you cancel our meet-ups? Hm? How many of my messages did you only answer after a week, or two, had passed since I wrote them?... Where even was the text you used to send me every year, right after midnight, to congratulate me on my birthday and tell me that you loved me?... That's right, it never came. You never wrote it. You forgot. And I'm sure that the only reason you even remembered my last birthday at all was because you went on Twitter and read something about it, didn't you?"
Jimin's stern and furious face quickly melted into one of realization, then regret.
"I-I was working on my new album... I went to sleep because I was exhausted and forgot to set my alarm up... It was an accident..."
"I know. But just because it was, it doesn't mean it hurt less."
"Tae..."
"What are you even doing here? Don't you have other projects to attend to? Somewhere else you should be at? Other people you should be meeting?" He finally dared to look up, and the darkness in his eyes sent shivers down Jimin's spine. "Why all of the sudden, you're worried about me? You, Jungkook, our hyungs, everyone, disappeared from my life first... Why come back now?"
"Taehyung, we never left."
"Except you did." His reply was sharp. "Why?"
Jimin gulped, and his resolve to appear stern and intimidating cracked.
"We are worried. I am worried. You basically cut us off, with no explanation... You started hanging out with a bunch of strangers, partying every night, drinking excessively..." He drifted off. "You don't do this kind of stuff. This isn't you."
"Well, it is now. This is the new Kim Taehyung." He raised his arms in the air, just as dramatic as always. "This is what I've become."
"I refuse to believe that."
"You can do whatever you want, Jimin-ah." He stood up, and walked to the bathroom. "What is done, is done. Nothing can change it. Believe what you will-"
"I'm sorry." These weakened words made Taehyung stop, right in front of the door. "You're right. I shouldn't have forgotten that message. I shouldn't have prioritized work over you. I shouldn't... And I'm sorry I did." Jimin sighed. "But why, instead of assuming the worst, didn't you talk to me? Why did you think I wanted to push you away? I don't understand, Tae... I am your friend. Will always be. You should be able to confide in me. You should be able to tell me when I screw things up..."
"I didn't want to be selfish." Taehyung turned around. "You were enjoying the break so much... All of you. It didn't feel right for me to ruin your fun. To say that I felt like shit, that my depression was back, and that I felt like I was being replaced, or worse, forgotten... I couldn't do that. So I left. It was the best thing I could do-"
"It was the worst thing you could do." The smaller man took a step forward. "Just because we're on a break, it doesn't mean that our friendship is over. And you can't be replaced. None of us can."
"That's just a lie. Everyone can be replaced."
"You can't seriously believe that."
"Of course I can. Because I have been... Numerous times. This ain't the first."
Jimin got even closer to him. Looked deep inside his eyes, and was shocked to realize that Taehyung was being sincere.
This was the single moment in which he realized that his soulmate was at his breaking point. That his darkness, sadness and bitterness were about to consume him. The light behind his irises was gone. The warmth of their brown tones was absent. This was the gaze of a dying man. His heart was still beating, but without a reason to. He was still breathing, but without knowing why. It was terrifying, to look into those windows to his soul and see that his spirit was gone, that his lively essence was missing. That his body was nothing but an empty prison of flesh and blood.
"You can't be replaced. Not to me." He repeated, by Taehyung didn't seem to believe in him, at all.
The singer only nodded, without any energy left to keep arguing, and went inside the bathroom.
"Whatever you say."
Then, he closed the door, leaned against the sink, and cried. He couldn't really sob, because Jimin was still outside andnd he knew he wasn't leaving, anytime soon, so he stuck to letting his tears fall, without gasping for air or letting his emotions take control of him. He took a shower - like he was about to do, before his uninvited guest appeared-, forgot to shave his face once again, and put on the only clean shirt he had at the moment. Which reminded him, he needed to do his laundry.... Eventually.
Fifteen minutes later, he opened the door and returned to his bedroom. Just as he'd thought, Jimin was still there, refusing to leave.
His best friend was standing near the window, watching the rain as it fell outside. Well dressed in a black patterned suit, with his hair dyed blonde once again, and body covered in golden jewelry, he looked way to good to have travelled to London purely for Taehyung's sake. It was obvious that he'd had some sort of photoshoot, interview, or project of actual importance to attend to. The hotel was only a pit stop, for sure.
Before he could ask Jimin why he still hadn't left him for his mysterious business, however, the man ordered:
"Put on your shoes and coat. I'm taking you on a little trip today."
"I have other things to do, I can't-"
"Your manager cleared your schedule." Jimin turned around to watch his reaction. "You're spending the day with me."
"Why are you doing this?"
"Because I haven't seen or talked to my best friend in a whole fucking year and I miss him." His voice cracked, but his face remained neutral. "That's why."
Taehyung should have said no. He should have pushed him out of the door and spent his resting day alone, in his bed. But he couldn't say no, not to Jimin. Never to Jimin.
Ignoring his messages was one thing. Shutting him out in person was another. And he just. Couldn't. Do it.
And that's how he ended up nodding again, fixing himself up to the best of his abilities, and walking out of his room with his estranged soulmate by his side.
They hopped inside a car that Jimin had rented before he got to the hotel, and went for a drive.
Despite the cloudy day, Taehyung hid his eyes behind his yellow sunglasses. He had a hangover from hell, and the light of the outside world was only making his migraine worse. He couldn't help but get irritated at the sky above. Cursed be the daylight.
Jimin, in charge of driving, would occasionally check on him from the corner of his eyes, sporting a concerned frown and a not so subtle pout.
He didn't like what he was seeing. This was like 2018 Taehyung all over again, but so much worse. The man to his side wasn't only depressed, he was lost. And there was a big difference between those two words.
"Aren't you going to ask where we're going?" He asked, as he steered the wheel to the left.
"This isn't Paris. I don't know anything in here. You could take me anywhere and it wouldn't make a difference to me."
"We're going to Soho." Jimin said anyway. "There's this little cafe that I went to, the last time I did a show in here... It's called Hideaway. They sell the best grilled sandwiches I've ever tasted. I'm sure you'll like it; the place has a retro vibe and it's pretty cozy."
"Hm."
Despite Taehyung's lack of response, he kept talking, thinking that maybe, if he did, he'd somehow get his best friend to open up a little bit. Let his defenses down for a second.
He wasn't expecting him to do it so quickly, though, or in such a cryptic and melancholic way.
"I was going to do it today, you know."
The weight of that single sentence was unlike anything Jimin had felt before.
"Do what?" He asked but Taehyung kept looking out the window, completely devoid of feeling. With eyes alternating between the road and his friend, he repeated himself: "Do what?!"
The depressed singer sighed out loud, and pressed his head again the cold glass beside him.
"Nothing."
They stopped at a red light.
"You can tell me."
"I can't. If I do you'll freak out... I don't want you to."
"You'll only know that if you tell me."
"Jimin."
"Taehyung."
The latter insisted on not looking at the driver. The man in question, however, couldn't drag his eyes anywhere else.
"Tell me." Jimin whispered, a little frightened by the answer he still didn't have.
"The light turned green again."
"Fuck the light, I need to know-"
"Please." Taehyung's watery voice convinced him to stop prying... At least for now. "Let's just... Let's get to the cafe."
"Fine. But you aren't running away from his conversation."
As they waited for their food to arrive, and for the waitress to save them from the awkward silence between them, Taehyung observed his surroundings with care.
The cafe Jimin had dragged him was quite small, yet charming, and indeed -from what he could tell by staring intensely at the other tables-, the food did look quite tasty and delicious.
"I wanted to kill myself." Out of nowhere, came the confession he wasn't expecting to share while alive, sitting inside a tiny ass coffee shop, extremely tired and hungover.
Jimin's jaw dropped, and his breathing completely stopped for a minute.
He already thought this was a possiblity, but hearing it out loud physically made him sick.
"W-Why?"
"What's the point in living in a beautiful world when you're all by yourself? When there's no one there to share that beauty with?..."
The older singer blacked out for a moment, and couldn't really understand most of the philosophical spiel that Taehyung was throwing at him.
God. When he decided to drop everything back home and board the first flight to London he found, he had been right. If he'd delayed his visit for a day, his best friend would have been dead.
He man sitting in front of him, clearly depressed and out of his mind, would have been dead.
His soulmate. Gone.
After years of being an Idol, Jimin knew better than to cry in public. He knew better than to let him go on and on about his private, delicate struggles in public. But at that moment, he couldn't control anything. He just sat there, watching Taehyung talk, without really looking at him, and allowed the tears to fall down his face with the same ease and carelessness of the raindrops running down the window pane.
"You're an idiot." Was what he first said, when he was able to regain some power over his own vocal chords. His hand shot up to grab Taehyung's at the same time, and squeezed his palm like he wanted to prove himself that he was there, still breathing, and not laying stone cold over his messy sheets, back at the hotel. "H-How could you think... H-How?..."
Why was there grief in his voice already? If he hadn't lost anything?
Well, because he did lose something. He lost his trust. His tranquility.
And he was furious. Sad. Full of indignation. His limbs were trembling, there was a knot forming at the base of his throat, and his jaw was tensed to the point of chipping his own teeth. Let's not even mention the obvious quivering of his lower lip.
Taehyung looked up and realized how affected his best friend was, just as the waitress came back with their order.
He was forced to say a meek 'thank you' to the woman, because Jimin was in shock, and couldn't look away from his eyes.
He was devastated.
"Why are you so upset?" The younger asked, nonchalantly, like they were talking about the weather or something equally trivial. "It's not like any of you would have missed me anyway."
And that set Jimin off. The blond slapped the table with his free hand, with enough force to shake the glasses. Then, he let go of Taehyung, stood up, and stormed off into the bathroom, already sobbing.
The remaining singer knew he had fucked things up even further, but he wasn't going to keep lying.
He was planning to put an ending to all his loneliness and suffering. And he would have, if he'd been allowed to.
Dropping his chin to his chest, he started to eat his sandwich alone, trying to give Jimin some space to calm down.
But, after fifteen minutes had passed and the man still hadn't returned, he called the waitress, payed for their food, and asked her if she could take care of their table for a few minutes; he'd be right back to finish the meal.
Thankfully, she agreed.
Then, he stood up and walked to the men's bathroom, located in the back of the tiny cafe. He knocked on the door.
"O-One minute, please."
"Jimin-ah, you've been there for fifteen. Let me in." The lock on the door was immediately open. Taehyung huffed and stepped inside. "Look, I'm sorry..."
He stopped talking after closing the door and seeing the current state of his best friend. Both hands clinging to the sink, shoulder hunched, weeping, without any signs of ever calming down.
"I'm s-so sorry..."
"Chim..."
Before he could process what was happening, Taehyung was being tackled with a tight, desperate hug. His back hit the wood behind him, because of the sudden impact, and his air got pushed out of his chest by force.
"W-What would I d-do if I lost you?!" Jimin mumbled between pained heaves, and for the first time in forever, the man before him felt guilty about something he'd done.
He didn't think his soulmate would be so... So...
He couldn't even put it into words properly.
Completely destroyed? Grief struck? Dominated by sorrow?
"I should be the one apologizing." He recognized, somehow pulling Jimin even closer. "I didn't even think about writing a note..."
"A fucking note, Taehyung?!" His fist hit his chest, and the shorter man pushed him back with the same strength he had embraced him with. "A FUCKING NOTE?!"
"I'm sorry..."
"Why are you so fucking blind? Was I so big of an asshole to you? Were our hyungs, Kookie?!... Were them?-" Jimin shook his head and growled in frustration. "We love you, you moron! D'you know how devastated all of us would have been?! Did you even stop to think about us?! About the wreck you'd leave behind?!"
"Chim..."
"NO! I HAVE ALL RIGHTS TO BE ANGRY!... YOU ALMOST LEFT ME, TOO!" He shouted, and ran his finger through his stiff, full-of-products hair right after. "I just l-lost my grandma... I couldn't h-have dealt with l-losing you too!"
"What? Your grandma?..."
"I c-came here straight from her funeral. I went from the graveyard, to my home, to the airport." He confessed, as Taehyung's eyes trailed up and down his black suit, and realization settled in. "Your m-manager talked to me a few days ago, before she passed... Told me to meet up with you g-guys once you were back in Seoul. But throughout the whole o-ordeal, throughout my personal grief, there was something b-bothering me... Something inside me, shouting at me to come here. To find you. To bring you home myself..." He closed his eyes and crinkled his forehead. "If there is a higher power, then that was it. B-Because if I had gotten here a day later..."
Taehyung gulped and lowered his gaze.
Shit. This was bad.
He had his reasons for wanting to end it all. He'd been fighting with his depression for years now, and the beast wasn't getting weaker, only stronger. His constant sadness, lack of energy, met with his excessive drinking and loneliness and suddenly, the perfect storm was created. He wanted lighting to strike him down.
But at the same time, he was able to admit that his reasons for doing so were, indeed, somewhat selfish.
He wished he could say that he didn't know his members loved him, but deep down, he was aware that they did. He wished he could say that he didn't realize that his entire family would suffer, but again, yes, he did. He was very aware of the fact that his death would take a toll on everyone. And he had accepted the fact that leaving would cause just as much harm as staying. Maybe that is why he felt so calm, when faced with the sinister decision he'd almost taken.
He was ready for the end, and for the whiplash that would follow. He was prepared to burn in hell for all eternity, and to be forever resented by all the hearts he'd broken with his passage.
He felt guilty, because he understood grief. He'd gone through it before. He knew exactly what kind of pain he'd be inflicting. But here was the sad, sad part; he didn't really care about it at this point. He just wanted his internal suffering to be over.
All of this said, of course he wouldn't have followed through with his plans if he knew what had happened to Jimin's grandmother beforehand.
Despite his selfishness, he still understood that there's a limit of sorrow that a person should feel, at any given time. Going beyond that limit meant severely damaging them for life. He wouldn't do that do his soulmate. He'd wait, until a few months had gone by since the loss, or he'd miraculously changed his mind about the subject, and he'd support his best friend to the best of his abilities until he got better.
Or at least, this is what he told himself he would have done. Because he'd almost killed himself, and doubled the pain inside Jimin's chest.
Yet another thing to feel guilty about.
"I am sorry." Taehyung whispered, despite his tightening throat. "I really am."
Jimin sniffled and dried his puffy face with a ball of toilet paper, while trying to not completely botch up his makeup.
"You're going to a therapist, first thing tomorrow."
"W-What?"
"That is non-negotiable."
"But I-I have some interviews..."
"I talked to your manager right before coming here; they are all cancelled. Your shows are too... You're coming home."
"Y-You can't do that."
"I don't give a shit if I can't." Jimin chuckled, kind of annoyed. "You can't kill yourself either. It checks out."
"But I c-can't..."
"Non. Negotiable." The smaller singer insisted, shutting him up for good. "Now excuse me... I still have a breakfast to finish."
And with that, he pushed Taehyung away from the door, and stepped outside again.
Another fifteen minutes passed until the latter dared to join him at their table.
The coffee was already cold, the juice lukewarm at best, and the sandwiches had also stiffened, looking kind of stale and sad.
Still, they devoured everything and left a good tip for their patient waitress, before leaving.
Once in their car, they allowed themselves to speak to each other again.
"Where are we going now?"
"I don't know." Jimin confessed. "I didn't really think this far ahead. All I knew when I came here is that I wanted to spend some time with you... And this was the first place that came to mind."
Taehyung's chest ached, and for a moment, he felt something other than numbness and sorrow hit him; fondness. Deep, and tender fondness.
"Should we just keep driving?" He proposed the idea before he could even think about it.
"Where?"
"Anywhere. Let's just... Drive around. See what this city was to offer."
It still was raining, although less harshly. A small adventure through the city sounded nice.
Nevermind the traffic, or the grief suspended on the air between them.
"Okay."
And so, that's what they did.
They drove.
They decided to go to Bethnal Green first, of all places. Just because they remembered that Namjoon had once talked about the art galleries and street art of Vyner Street, and how much he wanted to visit it someday. Since they were already nearby, no harm could be done by exploring the area, right?
They parked the car and took a stroll by the Stuart Shave Modern Art gallery, before heading out to walk mindlessly down the road.
They didn't really talk as they moved along, only pointed at things they found interesting, and nudged each other from time to time, wanting to reaffirm their fascination.
After taking some pictures that they'd never share on their public profiles, of everything but themselves, they returned to their car and went somewhere else; the Hyde park.
They chatted as they explored it, side by side, but didn't touch any important or delicate themes while talking. Taehyung mostly asked Jimin about his life and new album, shying away from the spotlight as much as he could.
They bought a cup of coffee and hot chocolate before returning to their car. As they continued to drive, not knowing exactly where they would stop by next, Taehyung finally decided to say something meaningful, after hours of pointless conversation:
"I don't think Matilda is going to live for long." He mentioned the model that had shared his bed for the last handful of months.
"Why... Why'd you say that?"
"She loves cocaine too much." His whisper made Jimin's head snap to his direction, before he remembered he was driving, and forced his eyes back onto the road.
"And you?"
"Have done a lot of awful things, but... Not that."
"Define awful?"
Taehyung snickered.
"I don't mean drugs, if that's what you're worried about. Sure, I've tried some edibles and weed before, but it's just not my thing... Alcohol however..." His frown returned. "You know, we... We went to Monaco for a week, and while at it, we had a fight. I was so drunk, and so annoyed at her, that I... I choked her. Pushed her against the wall and..." He shook his head and drifted off. "I did for like, three seconds before I stopped... But still. Awful."
Jimin copied his crestfallen and disappointed expression.
"I don't know if I should be angry, or concerned after hearing that."
"Both." His best friend sighed. "Definitely both."
"What happened next?"
"Well, the following day, we had another argument and she punched me. Chipped my tooth, and everything. It was a solid hit." By his side, Jimin snorted, but didn't find it funny. "And that's when I knew... We had to end things. It was all going downhill from there... So I broke things off, when we went to Paris, and we both were sober. All things considered, it was a pretty civil, peaceful conversation. We both knew we weren't good for each other. But of course, there was paparazzi near and..."
"The pictures got published."
"Yeah."
Pause.
"Did you love her?"
Came the question he didn't want to answer.
"No. I cared for her, a lot... Still do. But I never loved her. Not like she wanted, or deserved me to love her."
Jimin nodded slowly, as their car came to a stop at a red light.
"I'm sorry... For the both of you."
"It's alright..." Taehyung looked away, towards his window. "At least it's over."
The light turned green. Their car began to move again. They stayed quiet, as the rain picked up, and brought along an eerie and intimidating fog.
"Should we just keep driving?" Jimin asked, and his best friend knew he was talking about the weather.
"Yes... Just go slower."
"Okay."
"And Chim?"
"Yeah?"
Taehyung thought about telling him something even more important. Something he'd been keeping a secret for years, and thought he'd take with himself to the grave. A secret that could both improve and worsen his life, in equal measures.
But he didn't. He couldn't do it.
Telling his best friend that he was head over heels for him right now didn't feel right.
"Can we go back to Soho? I think... I think I want to go dancing. With you."
"You want me to take you to a club?... After everything we've just gone through?"
"Please?"
Jimin allowed his jaw to drop and a frustrated sigh to escape his lips. Then, he rolled his eyes.
"I'll do it under one condition."
"Hm?"
"No more drinking."
Taehyung tried to hold back his irritation and his snark, but couldn't.
"You think I'm going to choke you too?"
"You think I'm scared of choking?" Jimin eyed him with a sassy attitude and a devilish smirk, breaking through his superficial anger without even trying.
"Not in that way. Gross."
"Hey! Do not kinkshame me!" He joked again, and turned the steering wheel to the right. "But seriously... It isn't because of that that I want you sober. It's because I want you to stop getting wasted. And the first step is obviously, stop drinking."
"A club is no fun without drinks; you told me that."
"Years ago, when I was severely depressed and out of my mind."
"Well, I'm severely depressed and out of my mind right now..."
"Exactly. I don't want you to feel like shit, like I did."
"Too late for that."
"Tae." Jimin returned to his previous concern. "Please, don't drink tonight. If not for your sake, for mine."
His best friend mulled the request, over and over again.
"Alright." He leaned back against the headrest. "I'll stay sober. For you."
They wound up going back to the hotel first, to dress up in more comfortable, less wet clothes before heading out to the club.
Once they had exchanged their fancy attire for black track suits, oversized jackets and beanies, they drove back to Soho.
"There's a place that I visit every time I come here, and I think you'll like it. It's a nightclub, called Heaven..." Jimin parked the car. "It's kinda tiny, in comparison with the other clubs around here, but it's more private too, in way."
"Let's go check it out, then."
Once more, they stepped out into the busy street and walked in silence towards their destination.
Taehyung was expecting the club to be small, but not as much as it actually was. The ground floor of the building had the shape of a narrow rectangle, and was squeezed between two huge pubs. Inside, there was a bar and a stairway on the back, that lead to the underground dancefloor. Now, that last location, was actually large.
"This feels like a cave." He joked, and Jimin smiled at him.
"Do you like it though?"
It was well lit, didn't smell too terrible, and the music was actually decent. It was full of people, but not to be point where it was overwhelming.
"Yeah." He nodded. "It's good."
It was also a gay nightclub. Which, of course, wasn't a problem...
More like an inconvenience.
Because one of Taehyung's deepest secrets was that he was attracted to men, as well as women. He didn't like labels, or the pressure of having to come out, so he never told anyone... Which in hindsight, he regretted. Because as his age got older, he had less and less courage to do so.
He was afraid, at the moment, if he was honest. Because if someone flirted with him, and he flirted right back, Jimin would notice. And that would be a problem because then he'd know that Taehyung been lying.
He knew his best friend enough to know his coming out wouldn't be a big deal. It wasn't his reaction to his sexuality what scared him; he knew Jimin couldn't care less about it.
It was the probability of him finding out that, for years, Taehyung had been hiding an enormous, heart-aching crush on him.
Crush wasn't even the right word anymore, in fact.
Scratch that; what he felt was love.
One sided, unrequited love.
"Come on Taetae..." Jimin pulled him towards the dance floor. "Let's have some fun."
Dancing without drinking felt like riding a bike for the first time, without a helmet on. Taehyung didn't feel safe, and therefore, felt uncomfortable. Lacked boldness and confidence. Feared looking like an idiot.
The last time he'd danced without being completely wasted was on his last performance with the members. Why the fuck then, would he ask to go to a club?
Well, the simple answer was; because of the noise. He couldn't think stupid thoughts with the booming sound of pop and electronic music puncturing his ears. Besides, Taehyung hoped that, if he let Jimin have his fun, he'd eventually be able to sneak away, have a few shots at the bar, and come back unnoticed. But, much to his dismay, Jimin's eagle eyes were always on him, watching his every move.
It frustrated him to no end, and yet, at the same time, his friend's concern felt oddly endearing. Maybe because it was a solid, unquestionable proof that someone still cared about him, and wouldn't allow him to self destruct freely, without putting on a fight first.
But that wasn't all. His conflicting feelings towards his soulmate went way beyond this.
If Taehyung was completely honest with himself, he'd always found the way Jimin danced fascinating. Be it for a performance, or just for fun, the energy he put into every step was enchanting. And his passion made everything he did somehow look magical.
Mixing this natural admiration, with the fact that Taehyung was deeply attracted to him, made his hands clammy and and the water in his mouth rise.
The sharp, seductive eyes that Jimin was currently giving him, and his unquestionable handsomeness, weren't helping him keep his desire under control either.
And all of the sudden, in the middle of a public dance floor (of a gay nightclub in Soho, of all fucking places!) Taehyung realized he was getting horny.
Which of course, was a big no, no. He couldn't want his best friend like that. He couldn't even think of his best friend like that.
But he did. And it annoyed him, so much.
"You know, I'm getting hungry!" He spoke over the loud song being blasted from the DJ table, determined on escaping his confusing feelings. 'What do you think of leaving this place?"
"I wasn't going to say anything, but I'm hungry too! And it's getting late!" Jimin smiled, relieved. "Where d'you wanna go next?"
"Anywhere, really! You know I can eat whatever, as long as it isn't spicy!"
"Oh! I know a place! Two blocks from here!"
"Lead the way then!"
Jimin then grabbed his hand and guided him back to the stairs. But, before they could leave the dance floor, and he could sigh with relief, an English guy ran after them, and asked them to wait.
From what Taehyung could understand, the man was asking him for his number, saying that he found him cute and was readily available - if he was interested-.
His best friend, between perplexed and irritated by the boldness of this stranger's words - and maybe even a little bit jealous of his shamelessness-, spoke in his place before Taehyung himself could:
"He's my boyfriend."
The latter's mouth almost dropped and he had to fight against his shock, to avoid breaking character and embarrassing both of them.
"Oh, my bad. I thought you two were just friends. Sorry."
"No worries, goodnight." Jimin said to the guy, as he pulled his soulmate up the stairs, away from the underground.
"What the fuck just happened?"
"I saved you from a hook-up you probably shouldn't be having right now. That's what happened."
"No, Jimin..." They came to a halt, in the middle of the stairway. "You told him you were my boyfriend."
"Yes... Does that bother you?"
"No! But..." He moved closer. "We don't have our masks on. What if he recognized us? What if someone thinks that we're-"
"Let them think whatever they want. What prove do they have to back up their claim?"
"We are literally in a gay club right now. Someone must have taken a picture of us already. Wouldn't that be enough proof?"
"Not really... We don't have anything to hide. Besides, pictures can be misleading." Jimin shrugged. "And to be honest, I'm past the point of caring. Let the tabloids say what they will; it will all be water under the bridge by the next month anyway."
"Why are you so unbothered by this?"
"Well, my reputation doesn't really matter anymore. In case you forgot, I already came out in my album. It's done. I can't have a gay scandal if I'm already out. So if you're worried about that... Don't. And trust me, this won't harm you either. If anything, you being here will prove that you're a good ally..."Jimin walked up a few steps, but turned around right before reaching the upper floor, once he realized Taehyung wasn't following him.
"But I'm not."
"What?"
"An ally."
Pause.
"Well sorry, but I won't buy it if you say that you're an homophobe." Jimin joked, still not getting it.
Until Taehyung looked down, gulped, and looked like he'd gained ten years of age in a single blink.
Then he got it.
"I wish I could be as brave as you... I wish I could be as open, and confident... And not care about this, but I do."
"Tae..."
"I'm queer, Jimin. And I've known it for years. Just didn't have the courage to tell you."
They stared at each other for a tense second, before the older singer shook his head, smiled gently and walked down towards him, once again.
"Come here." Jimin whispered, pulling him into a comforting hug. Because of their positions on the stairs, Taehyung was able to rest his head on his tiny soulmate's chest, and feel completely enveloped by his arms. "Why on Earth were you scared of telling me that?"
"I wasn't scared. Not really." He closed his eyes. "I was scared of having to tell you something else. Something that I can't really say out loud right now."
"Why? You know I won't judge you..."
"Too many people."
Jimin sighed. His best friend was right, maybe they should be having this conversation somewhere else. Specially considering the worrying secrecy around the subject.
He was out. But Taehyung wasn't.
Oh. Now he understood why he'd panicked a few minutes earlier.
"What do you think then, of ditching the restaurant I was going to take you to, and going back to the hotel? We can order something to eat and stay in there for the rest of the night, just talking."
"But I don't want to go back." Taehyung admitted, and his watery voice denounced the obvious, he was crying. "I've missed you. And I've missed this... Hanging out with you. Laughing with you. Dancing with you... I don't want this day to be over. Not yet."
Hearing that made Jimin embrace him tighter, closer.
"I've missed you too." He whispered, then kissed the crown of his head. "And it doesn't have to be over yet... What do you want to do?"
"Can we just keep driving?" Taehyung suggested, after staying silent for a while, appreciating the warmth and care that surrounded him. "Let's just buy something to eat in a drive through and stay together in the car..."
"Okay. We can do that." Jimin pulled away, and used one of his hands to wipe away the tear tracks on his face. "It's all good."
And so, these became their new plans. They returned to their car, drove around, bought a couple of greasy cheese burgers, french fries, sodas and something on the menu called "Hash browns" - which simple were another variety of fried potatoes-, and went to the Luna Cinema - a drive in cinema company that one of Taehyung's friends had talked about once-.They projected films on open parks and famous properties, all across the UK. This time, the movies would be screened near Lincoln's In. And in that night, the chosen one was Notting Hill.
Jimin - being the biggest fan of rom-coms to ever live- had already seen it close to sixteen times. He didn't even need to look at the screen to know what was happening; from dialogue alone he was able to tell.
They watched the movie while chatting about nothing of real importance - too scared of going back to the conversation they had on the stairway just yet-.
That was, until the garden scene came around.
The male lead, after a couple of failed attempts at climbing a fence to get in a private garden, kept repeating the same ridiculously outdated curse as he dropped to the ground; whoopsy daisy.
Jimin smiled as the scene played, but it wasn't that what made him actually grin with content. Taehyung, by his side, chuckled. And he actually looked happy. Entertained, even.
"Now what in the world in this garden would make that ordeal worthwhile?" William asked, after he finally was able to get inside the forbidden area.
Ana - the female lead- didn't waste her time. She kissed him into silence, proving that she didn't really care about the garden, she just wanted the privacy to be intimate with him.
Jimin's eyes unglued themselves from the big screen again, and stared at Taehyung as the scene kept going.
As he did, he was unaware that there was something deep inside his eyes, that wasn't really there when the movie had started; yearning.
A feeling that he'd thought, he had buried dead a long time ago.
The truth is, Taehyung's crush wasn't at all unrequited. It hadn't been, for years.
Jimin was also madly in love with his best friend. And he'd been fighting with his attraction with all that he had, trying not to make it obvious, trying not to make things awkward.
It was an hilarious and infuriating situation, that the both of them were too terrified about getting hurt, or messing up their friendship, to give their romance a go.
They never let each other trespass the tall fences of their own emotional gardens. So, roses never bloomed, the sun never shined, spring never came, and the grey leaves inside remained frozen in a state of perpetual winter, never knowing how wonderful life could really be.
They had allowed other people to come in, in the hopes of fixing the place, but it was useless.
They knew the answer to all of this dullness and lack of color, energy and life was found in each other.
And still, refused to admit it.
"I live in Notting Hill. You live in Beverly Hills. Everyone in the world knows who you are. My mother has trouble remembering my name" By the time Jimin refocused on the movie, they already were approaching the end.
"Okay. Fine. Fine. Good decision." Ana, on the screen, seemed on the verge of tears. By his side, Taehyung was too, for similar reasons. "The fame thing isn't really real, you know... Don't forget, I'm also just a girl. Standing in front of a boy. Asking him to love her."
Jimin only turned his head to his right again when he heard sniffles, coming from the copilot seat.
"Are you okay?"
"I think we've stablished by this point that I'm anything but okay." Taehyung chuckled softly, and his soulmate's panicked face and stiff posture relaxed a bit.
"Come on... What's wrong?"
"Nothing... Everything... I don't know." He exhaled, and looked away from the movie, searching for Jimin's eyes. "The thing is... What I wanted to say at the club... I have to say it now..."
"Now?"
"Yeah."
"Well... You don't have to be nervous." He insisted, and grabbed his hand. "Come on... Just do it. It's okay."
"I love you."
Of all the things Jimin was waiting to hear, that declaration was not part of the list.
"Tae-"
"I'm in love with you." The man continued talking anyway, knowing that if he stopped, he'd never have the guts to confess again. "And that's what I would have written on my note, by the way... I love you. And I'm not asking you to love me back, I just... I'm hoping that I won't lose you."
If the first admission made Jimin's chest ache, and burn, and feel like it was bound to collapse on itself, the second was the bomb that wrecked what was already destroyed.
"D-Do you... " Deep breath in, and out. "Do know how much that w-would have hurt me? Reading a note like that?!" He asked then, between madly enamoured, furious, and wounded. "Did y-you ever stop to c-consider how much I love you?!"
"Chim..."
"No! I have listened to you!" He turned his body on the seat, fully facing Taehyung. "Now you listen to me! I've love you for ages! Years!... I've pined, and yearned, and done all of these things, just for you to confess to me in a suicide note?! Is that really what you were going to do?! Write your love for me down as an afterthought?!"
"You... Us were never an afterthought."
"It doesn't seem that way, Taehyung!"
"I WAS TIRED, OKAY?!" He finally snapped. "I was tired of losing people constantly! I was tired of being cast aside all the time! Fame, stress, depression and tiredness all got to me! I felt so fucking sad, and lonely and... And..." He clenched his jaw and looked away, before closing his eyelids shut. "And I-I'm sorry."
Jimin sighed, genuinely feeling bad for his best friend, and still confused as to how he should react. Now quiet, he looked down at his conjoined hands. Somehow, through both of their outbursts, they hadn't stopped holding on to each other.
"You need help, Tae." He whispered, and his voice came out more watery and weak than he would have liked. "I love you too, and that's why I can't watch you self-destruct like this..." Another sob, coming from his side. His brows curved, his own eyes got glossy. "Look at me?"
Taehyung did it after a moment of hesitation, that Jimin understood as him trying to decide if being vulnerable was worth it or not.
"Do y-you really love me?"
"That's the dumbest question you've ever asked; of course I do!" The dancer tightened the grip on his hand, if that was even possible.
"But are you really in love with me?"
Jimin shook his head, and mouthed a single word; "unbelievable."
Then, he did something he probably shouldn't have done, considering the fragility of the situation. But something that he'd been longing for a long, long time, and that he knew, Taehyung needed to experience, as solid proof that indeed he was loved, desired, and wanted. That he didn't need to ask for his affection; he'd had it all along.
Jimin kissed him. Leaned forward, pulled him closer by the shirt, and kissed him.
And that set off the waterworks.Taehyung kissed him back instantly, crying, and displaying a certain desperation that only had his best friend falling even harder for him.
"I have been in love for you for as long as I've had you in my life." Jimin whispered against his mouth, and opened his eyes to take a good look at the man in front of him. "I just wished I had told you the truth sooner."
Taehyung, not knowing what to say, let his eyes drift at his lips again and pulled him in again. He was starving for love and affection, and he didn't want to waste any more time; he had to satiate his needs.
And who was Jimin to deny him that pleasure?
Granted, it wasn't the smarter idea they ever had, making out on a drive in cinema, but at this point, none of their previous choices had been smart; one more fuck up wouldn't matter.
Besides, they needed this. Jimin because he needed to prove his point; no one loved Taehyung more than himself, and Taehyung because he needed to accept that truth once and for all; he was loved.
"Let's go back to the hotel?"
"I thought that you wanted to keep driving?"
"I don't want to explore this city anymore. I've seen everything there is to see. My eyes only want to watch you now. If my day has to end, I need you to be the closure."
Jimin cracked a smile. Taehyung, despite his wet cheeks and puffy face, copied it.
"So cheesy."
"You love cheesy things. I'm just trying to charm you."
The older singer laughed.
"You don't need to charm me. I'm already yours."
They went back to the hotel. But every single romantic fantasy they had was ruined when they realized just how tired, mentally and physically, they were.
Taehyung fell asleep as soon as his body hit the bed. Jimin stayed awake for another full hour, watching over him as he texted their members, families, and managers. He also booked him an appointment with a brand new therapist, the following day. He wasn't joking when he'd said he'd do it, earlier.
It was almost three a.m. when he set his phone down and actually tried to sleep. Once he got comfortable on the bed, Taehyung's sleeping form shifted, and one of his arms pulled him closer to his body, trapping him in a cuddle he just couldn't refuse.
The next morning, the older man didn't even remember at which point he also fell asleep. But he wasn't complaining; waking up in a warm cocoon of blankets, being held by the safest arms he could ever wish for, was the blessing he'd been waiting for. A ray of light, cutting through his own internal turmoil and grief.
"Hey you." Taehyung whispered, once he realized Jimin was awake. "Good morning."
"Morning." He replied lazily, closing his eyelids again. "What time is it?"
"It's still early." Yawn. "Around nine? I think..."
"Hm."
Silence. They kept clinging to each other, as the rain continued to hit the outside of the window.
"Thank you." Taehyung said, under his breath, once he'd thought Jimin had fallen back to sleep. But when he opened his eyes, still groggy and unfocused from his slumber, the younger singer realized his friend wasn't actually unconscious, just resting. Still, he continued talking: "Thank you for coming here."
"You don't need to-"
"I do." Taehyung insisted. "You saved me... And stopped me from doing something really bad yesterday..."
"My friend needed help. I just came to aid him." Jimin smiled. "You did the rest."
"I've only created problems for you to solve."
"That's not true..."
"But it is. I screwed things up with everyone... I made you all worry..."
"We're your friends, your family. We'll always worry about you. It isn't a favor, or an obligation... It's a duty. Don't apologize."
"Still..."
"Tae." Jimin stopped him, by cupping his jaw with his hand. "Stop overthinking everything. I'm here to help. Our members are also here to help... Well, not here here, but you know... They support you." At that slip, Taehyung snorted. "You aren't alone. Never were."
"I guess you're right.... No, I know you are. I just felt alone. For a while." He cleared his throat. "Also... I'v been thinking about it, and... I think therapy isn't enough for me."
"What?" Jimin's relaxed face disappeared.
"I think... I should check myself into a hospital. For the time being." Taehyung explained in a tiny voice, ashamed and afraid of the other's reaction. "I thought about it a lot yesterday, as we were walking around and... My depression has gotten worse. I can't deal with it on my own anymore. I'm not sure what's going on, but I need to figure out... And the only way I can start doing that is by staying somewhere I can't physically harm myself..."
"H-How long would you stay there?"
"I don't know." He frowned. "But I feel it's the right choice. For now."
Jimin took a calming breath in, and exhaled a trembling breath out.
"Are you sure that is what you want?"
"I need to do it while I'm still stable enough to think. If I don't go now, I won't ever."
"You right. I know you are, but-"
"I know I'm famous, okay? I k-know it won't look good on the news-"
"No, no... I wasn't going to talk about that."
"Then?"
"Look... I scheduled an hour for you with a psychologist today. So let's see what he has to say first, and then take the decision to check you in later?... I'm not imposing anything on you, by the way. The choice is yours... But let's hear what a professional has to say first?"
Taehyung contemplated each option carefully, while biting his lower lip. Maybe being professionally assessed before getting voluntarily checked in was a good idea. It would give his new doctors and nurses more information to work with, straight away.
"I'll go with your plan. For now." He decided. "But would you please come with me?"
"Did you really think I was going to let you go alone?" Jimin smiled through his concern. "Of course I'll be there, dummy."
"Thank you." Taehyung said, and meant it. "And again, I'm sorry-"
The dancer cut him off with a peck on the corner of his mouth.
"Shut up. Close you eyes. Snuggle closer to me, and sleep. Save the apologies for later."
The other opened his mouth to keep rambling, but decided against it. It indeed was too early to panic; he needed to keep recharging his energies. They'd be useful soon.
"I love you, Jimin."
His best friend smiled, as they tangled their limbs again, and closed their eyes once more.
"Love you too."