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Taehyung's first album was finally, at last, being released.
And the world would be able to see, as Jimin had, for years now, what a beautiful masterpiece it was.
The intricacy of the lyrics. The complexity of the melodies. The fluidity between music styles, and the way that everything felt connected, somehow. The carefully crafted transitions and interludes. Holy fuck. They were phenomenal. They were unbelievable.
But hands down, the best part of the artwork was his soulmate's voice. It always was, Jimin thought. Low, raspy, soothing. But also intimidating, deep, and sensual if required. The duality of his tone was exquisite. And this work would prove it, once again.
To say he was in love with Taehyung's album wasn't enough. He was obsessed with it. And he felt so fucking proud of his best friend.
Almost five years of secrecy and dedication, and the results had payed off.
Damn. This debut album was good.
Taehyung, however, had been a nervous wreck throughout the entire week previous to the release, and on it's eve, was feeling even worse.
Being a perfectionist, and an old fashioned artist through and through, he wanted everything about it to be well polished, and still wasn't content with the final product, go the point of considering pushing the date of release forward again to fix every minor mistake one more time - even if that meant upsetting the fans, and his excited group of friends-.
But of course, he couldn't do that anymore. He'd declared the project as finished and therefore, he had to accept it as such.
Even if that made him highly anxious and irritated about the whole ordeal.
Jimin - already having gone through the gruesome process of getting his own album out, earlier in the year- understood his nerves perfectly, as he did his fears. He'd also been paranoid about having messed something up, stubborn about his artistic choices, and a perfectionist to the point of being annoying. He'd been there, done that.
But he'd also been proven, by the hundredth time, that ARMY had his back. The album sold out, all the numbers he wished to hit were surpassed, and most of his songs were extremely well received.
Yes, he still thought there were things he could have improved, but looking back, most of the alleged "flaws" that he saw in his creation were only imagined by his brain; made up by his worry.
He knew that the same thing was happening to Taehyung. His concern was driving him mad, and the chronic boredom provided by his lack of work was only making matters worse.
So, on the day previous to the release - in which he knew, his best friend would probably go bonkers if left alone-, he sent him a message asking if he wanted, or needed, some company.
Jimin knew that Taehyung was probably one of the most well liked, internationally renowned members of the group. Even people who didn't know about BTS, somehow knew about him. It was a funny phenomenon, and it made him happy, but it also brought some issues along with it.
The more famous you get, the bigger the spotlight of the media on you. It could sometimes be exhausting, truly overwhelming.
And Taehyung, despite being an Idol, artist, and world wide superstar, prided himself the most for being an down-to-earth, chill guy.
He loved his fans, he loved his job... But the magnitude of the repercussions of each little action he did, word he said, thought he shared, could be a little too much for him at times.
And that would cause him to shutdown. Too many things happening at once, too many expectations - from everyone, and from himself-, and his mind would melt.
This is when Jimin usually came in to help.
The other members were fairly good at calming him down, don't get him wrong, but Taehyung always felt more at peace when it was Jimin who comforted him. His natural warmth, gentleness, and touchy personality was grounding. There was nothing more healing than one of his hugs.
So, when offered the opportunity to spend the next twenty four hours with his best friend, and face the nerve-wrecking day of his album release by his side, Taehyung eagerly agreed.
Jimin packed up his backpack with a giddy smile on his face, as he cleaned up his apartment and tried to organized it as much as possible, before his arrival.
Jimin stepped inside his car and started the engine, as Taehyung took the first shower in days and forced himself to focus on the feeling of the cold water hitting his skin, instead on the out of control thoughts about his album being a total failure and all his work, a waste of time.
Jimin watched the floors go up inside the elevator of his soulmate's building, as the man himself caressed Yeontan's fur and concentrated on the texture of each individual hair, instead of paying attention to his accelerated heartbeat and his already clammy body.
"Tae?" A sweet voice echoed through the apartment, as the main door closed.
The singer himself was sitting on the couch, with his dog in his lap, staring at nowhere in particular.
By the looks of it, he was currently "stuck inside his head".
This was an expression Taehyung used once, when trying to explain to Jimin why he spaced out completely when severely stressed. It had stuck between them, and they used it frequently now, to describe the situation.
In these episodes of superficial numbness -that were, indeed, merely superficial-, Taehyung's sensorial inputs would become more intense, and every experience that required their use, painful to deal with. Bright lights triggered awful migraines. Loud noises made him flinch. Certain smells would make him very nauseated. Textures would irritate him, and his skin. It was hell.
But, most times, he didn't complain, scream or turn into a ball, like he wished to.
No, normally, he'd just find a way to be alone somewhere quiet, with his dog, a fidget toy, or his phone. Ideally, all three. And he wouldn't speak. He'd stay quiet until the white static in his ears ceased to exist, the gentlest of touches to his skin didn't feel like a hundred needles puncturing him, and his brain could become fully functional again.
Then, he'd take a deep breath in, and out. He'd leave the room slowly, without raising attention to himself. He'd approach his friends again. And talk.
The while process took a toll on him, and it wasn't pleasant. But he had learned to deal with it, on his own. Growing up, he had no choice but to.
His classmates always thought he was weird. Friendly and funny, sure, but weird. Even his hyungs, despite all of the love they shared, called him an "Alien" from time to time.
He had an odd pattern of behavior overall, but these episodes were part of the darkest, most despicable side of it.
To put it simply; when it all became too much for his body to handle, it would just shut itself off.
And lord help him when this happened during concerts. He'd have to push through the pain, push his panic down as much as he could, and fake tranquility when all he wanted to do was hide. And usually, he'd end up collapsing backstage, in some deserted room or hall.
Thankfully, these events were scarce. He knew how to manage himself by now.
Wearing textured clothes helped him stay focused on the show. Sunglasses and hats, shielded him against the bright lights of the stadium Super Troupers. Rings and bracelets were excellent makeshift fidget toys. And of course, listening to the crowd sing along with him, felt strangely comforting. It gave him the energy he lacked.
Still, even with all the tricks and coping skills he'd learned so far - both on the stage and out of it-, there were special occasions in which he couldn't help but surrender himself to these attacks.
When his stress was too high, he knew it was better to let them happen, then to fight them.
Now, Taehyung knew, for a fact, that this... Wasn't really normal. It wasn't a thing common people went through. Not even his famous friends.
He knew, for a couple of years already, that there was an actual name for "getting stuck inside his head". Going non-verbal for a while. Becoming extremely sensitive to sounds, lights, taste, smells and touch. Needing to fidget with something, or 'stim' as his psychologist had said.
Sensory overload, or more specifically, in his case, autistic shutdown.
He'd never told anyone about his diagnosis since he got it, about two years ago. He entertained the idea for a while, but gave up when he realized that everyone already saw him as a weirdo; surely if he told them there was an reason for his weirdness, they would either pity him or laugh harder at his "peculiar" behaviors.
He already had enough problems as it was, thank you very much. He wouldn't add anything else to his full plate of inconveniences.
The social stigma of the word "autism" was enough to make him seal his mouth shut, and mask his traits to the best of his abilities. At least he'd learned how to be a good actor, thanks to this torturous denial.
But not everything was horrible about it, he conceded. Being on the spectrum also had it's benefits. Like how precise and detail orientated he was. Or how honest and upfront he could be, calling people out on their bullshit like no one else would. It allowed him to remain concentrated on his passion projects and create entire masterpieces from scratch. And - against the popular belief that all autistic individuals are cold and distant- it made him a deeply empathic human.
He knew how it was like, to be made fun of for merely existing.
He knew how it felt, to be taunted, humiliated, and seen as 'less' than others, because he didn't exactly behave like everybody else.
Yes, at times he could be quite tone deaf and emotionally obtuse, but he wasn't heartless. On the contrary, he tended to be too kind, and warm to people. Specially those he loved.
The only time he didn't show his affection, was when he physically couldn't. Like at the precise moment Jimin walked in through the door.
Luckily, his best friend knew exactly what he should do to calm him down. He always did.
"Tae?" He approached him with a soft voice. "Can you talk to me?"
He shook his head slowly, trying to get his eyes to focus.
No, he couldn't do that yet.
"Can I touch you?"
Taehyung nodded. Touch wasn't irritating him as much today. As long as the affection wasn't overbearing, he was sure he could handle it.
"Do you want me to turn off the lights?"
No.
"Sunglasses?"
It would be weird to wear them indoors, but they usually helped. He nodded.
Jimin moved away slowly and went inside his bedroom. Grabbed one from his closet collection - with dark green lenses; one of his favourites - and returned, putting them on his face. Then, he smiled. Taehyung looked cute with them on.
"Do you want your fidget cube too? I think I saw it on your bedside."
The musician thought about it, but ended up shaking his head, denying the idea. With Yeontan sleeping on his leg, he was good. The texture of his fur was nice. Plus, the dog loved to be pampered. It was a win-win scenario, for both of them.
"Do you want to listen to some music? That LoFi jazz playlist you recommended me earlier is great, by the way."
"Yeah." He whispered, and Jimin's smile widened.
This was good. He could give short answers now; it was progress.
"Want your weighted blanket first?"
"No." He gulped. "Hot."
"I know I am, thanks." Jimin gave him a playful wink and grabbed his backpack from the floor, before sitting down beside him. "Earphones or speakers?"
Taehyung waited until his friend had pulled out the cellphone to tap on it.
"Speakers it is."
Once the soft music started to play, the younger of the two practically melted on the cushions behind him.
There was something about the smoothness of jazz that was profoundly soothing to him. It was stimulating, but it didn't send him straight into overdrive. It kept him engaged on the sound, without puncturing his ears with it. That was one of the main reasons of why he liked the genre so much. It was relaxing.
"Thanks." He whispered to Jimin, once a few songs had gone by, and he felt like he was returning to his normalcy. Then, to reassure his friend that the worst had already passed, he grabbed the man's smaller hand and intertwined their fingers. "How are you?"
"I should be asking you that... What happened to make you so stressed?"
"The release." He replied, a bit ashamed.
"Tae, ARMY will love your album, I'm one hundred percent sure of it... I personally loved it. It's a trip, from beginning to end."
"Good trip?"
"A magical one." Jimin smiled, and dared to peck the top of his hand. Taehyung liked the sensation. "Trust me... You know I'd tell you if it was shit."
The younger artist chuckled, accidentally startling his dog. Yeontan, probably realizing he was hungry, jumped off the couch and strutted cutely towards his food.
Without the fluffy fur between his fingers, Taehyung pouted, a bit on edge again.
"Want to ruffle my hair instead?" Jimin offered, half-joking, half-ready to lay down, or to sprint to the bedroom and grab a teddy bear he had gifted his soulmate, about three years ago, when he noticing how much he enjoyed touching soft plushies.
To his surprise, a tiny smile graced the lips of the singer and he nodded.
"Come here."
The dancer, excited by the prospect, laid down on the couch, setting his head on Taehyung's lap.
The smooth music, combined with the gentle caress of his fingers, and the peaceful atmosphere of the apartment, made him fall asleep quicker than he had expected.
When he woke up, a few hours later, Taehyung had somehow managed to replace his legs with a pillow, and had snuck out of the living room into the kitchen.
He was "out his head" by then, Jimin realized, as he watched his friend prepare them the easiest to make, most delicious comfort food possible; Ramyeon.
"You're awake."
"And you made dinner."
"I owned you one. For helping me earlier."
"You own me nothing, doofus." Jimin opened the fridge. "So... What are we drinking?"
"I'm having plain water. You?"
"I don't know..." He grabbed two bottles of water anyway. (Taehyung always like to keep a six pack in there, for the times when he felt like drinking something simple, tastless). "Meh. I think I'll have the same as you. Need to keep myself hydrated."
"Huh... Can we eat watching a movie?"
"Sure. What's on your mind?"
"The Notebook."
Jimin laughed.
"But we've watched it like seventeen times, already!"
"So? It's your favorite, isn't it?"
"Yeah..." He admitted with a funny pout. "Alright, The Notebook it is. Don't blame me if I pop open a bottle of wine, or start crying like a madman midway through, though."
"You always cry during movies. I'm used to it by now."
"Hey!" He jokingly slapped Taehyung's arm. It wasn't a hard hit, and it got him what he wanted; Taehyung giggled. "I can keep my tears to myself when I want to!"
"Can't."
"Absolutely can."
"Wanna bet?"
Jimin's pout worsened, and he scrunched his face, knowing that if he did bet, he'd for sure lose.
"I can control my tears." He insisted, and turned his back around, marching back to the living room.
'Yeah, but I don't want you to.' Taehyung thought, sighing. 'Not around me.'
His best friend indeed popped open a bottle of red wine halfway through the movie. He also cried - and laughed out of frustration for not being able to stop- at the end of it.
The scene under the rain, however, was when his resolve to keep a stone cold face throughout it began to crack.
Taehyung watched him struggle against his bubbling feelings and mouth little words of self- encouragement with a certain fascination, finding himself unable to look away.
Jimin looked beautiful, even when highly emotional. And he wanted to hug him, kiss him, and comfort him in any way he could. But his lack of bravery always stopped him from doing so.
The dancer was his closest, most intimate friend. He didn't want to lose him by being too upfront, or by reading their relationship the wrong way.
He couldn't afford to lose him.
He couldn't.
"What do you want to watch next?" He asked instead of confessing his feelings, after the credits started to roll, and he'd offered him a napkin to dry his reddened cheeks.
"Titanic?"
"You'll cry even harder at that one. Plus, JK would kill us if we watched it without him, again."
"That's true..." Jimin sniffled, before throwing the tissue inside the empty bowl of ramyeon, laying on the small table parallel to the couch. "What about we watch a TV show instead, then?"
"If you're asking that, you already have one in mind, don't you?"
"Yeah. You caught me."
"Which one?"
"Atypical. Have you heard of it? It's on Netflix. It's about an autistic teen trying to find love... I've been meaning to watch it for months and I still haven't."
Taehyung gulped nervously, and his content smiled faded for a second, before he slapped a fake one on top of his lips and pretended everything was fine.
"Or maybe we could put on something that isn't American?..."
"Yeah, but I really wanted to watch it... And Namjoon-hyung recommended it to me. You know he always gives great movie and TV shows recs. It's because of him that we checked out Moonlight, and Call Me By Your Name, remember? And they ended up being two of your all time favorites."
Taehyung gulped again.
"B-But I thought we were going for a romantic vibe, tonight... And that show is mostly comedy, from what I know."
"It has a queer couple in it, and I've seen the edits; they look adorable. Come on... Pretty please?"
Taehyung knew that, if he got visibly irritated by Jimin's insistence, his change of mood and behavior would be questioned. And he didn't want to answer any questions. He didn't want to raise any more red flags around himself. So he agreed. Reluctantly, he did.
"Yeah... Hyung has a good taste. I guess we can watch it." He tried to pass himself off as uninterested, instead of annoyed.
"If you get bored we can switch it up to whatever movie you want to watch. Deal?"
"Deal." He sighed, and opened his arms as an invitation for Jimin to snuggle with him.
As the smaller man got settled, his right hand found itself playing with his hair on instinct. Luckily, neither of them seemed to mind.
The first two episodes were... Okay. Some of the stuff he related to, most of it, he didn't. The main character was likeable, and he understood his struggles a lot, but sometimes his portrayal could be a little bit stereotypical.
His parents, though... Taehyung hated them. Elsa and Doug were honestly annoying as fuck. If you don't want to deal with an autistic or disabled kid, then don't fucking have kids. It was as simple as that.
Casey - Sam's sister- was nice. And, contrary to the previous characters, Taehyung liked their bond, a lot. It reminded him of his own bond with his hyungs and Kookie. They got annoyed at each other, poked fun at each other, but in the end, were always supportive, and tried their best to be understanding of one another. The scenes between Casey and Sam were actually what convinced him to keep watching the show, not only Jimin's evident delight.
And Taehyung got through most of the first season just fine, surprisingly.
Although slowly, without him noticing, some parts of the dialogue started to unveil feelings he didn't want to face that night.
The confrontation came anyway, after hearing a few minor lines, said by Sam in the eighth and final episode of the first season, as his ex-girlfriend (They broke up because he was too honest and blunt during a family dinner) screamed at him for being a jackass, right in front of his house, while throwing away all of the things he'd gifted her while trying to win her over.
"People think autistic people don't have empathy, but that's not true. Sometimes I can't tell if someone's upset, but once I know, I feel lots of empathy. Maybe even more than neurotypicals."
He didn't know why, but this was when the story started to affect him for real. The tears slipped out of his eyes and he couldn't even try to wipe them away. The wetness in his cheeks would return in mere seconds.
So he kept watching the show, in complete silence.
Begging that Jimin wouldn't notice them.
And managed to keep his cool, until the conciliation scene with Sam and Paige (his ex-girlfriend) came around.
"... In nature, it's simple. Animals are drawn to mate with an appropriate specimen. And they spread their wings or show their colorful rump and mate. That makes sense. They don't have love. They don't have hurt feelings..."
The kid was right. Animals were much more simple.
But he was a human. Taehyung was a human too. Not a being from another species, not an alien... They were beings with reason, and thoughts, and feelings, and fuck, the chaotic essence of his nature was beautiful. But also overwhelming.
And he understood Sam. He wished things in the human world were as easy and simple as they were in the animal kingdom.
He wished that all he felt was sexual attraction with the intention of procreating, but that wasn't the case. He wished he didn't have to deal with heartaches, and disappointment, expectations, unrequited love, and all of the bullshit that came with it.
He wished he wasn't afraid of losing friendships for not knowing how to sort out his emotions and priorities. For not knowing how to be more supportive, or less mindlessly blunt.
All of the sudden, he was bawling. The dialogue wasn't even that deep and he couldn't keep his sobs in anymore.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Jimin would know something was wrong.
He would find out.
And once he found out he'd be made fun of again.
He'd be seen as a freak again.
He'd lose his soulmate.
No.
No.
No.
"Taehyung?" Jimin had pulled away from his chest the moment his first sob had been ripped out of his throat. Quickly, he turned off the TV and redirected all of his attention towards his best friend. "Tae? What's wrong?" At this point, he'd gone non-verbal again, and had slowly begun to rock back and forth. Taehyung only did that when he was at his limit. And it only had happened twice, maybe three times during their entire friendship. "Do you want me to grab your sunglasses again?"
His question was met with more cries. And he knew, by the pained expression on his face, that Taehyung wasn't really able to pay attention to what he was saying, at all.
Just as he had started to panic, however, a tiny savior came to their rescue. Yeontan jumped on the couch, and without doubting it, approached his owner.
Pomeranians and their soft fur, the only thing able to calm down a distraught, tormented Taehyung.
"S-Sorry." Was the first thing he whispered when he was able to, and Jimin's eyes - that hadn't abandoned his shaking silhouette for a single second- filled themselves with tears.
"You don't have to apologize. Just please... Tell me what's wrong?"
Taehyung looked up, trying to decipher if the other man was upset, annoyed, scared, or whatever.
He could be wrong, but the only thing he could see written all across his face was worry.
"I..." Deep breath in, and out. He could do this. He had to do this. He couldn't keep lying. Lying wouldn't solve shit. He'd end up losing the best thing that had ever happened to him anyway. "T-There's something... I h-have to s-show you." Then, he picked up his own phone. Went into his music library. Clicked on his album - which would be released to the general public in just a few hours-, and selected a song he hadn't shown Jimin yet. It was, in fact, the only track he hadn't heard so far. He didn't even know it existed yet. "Listen."
The lyrics were vague in the beginning, but got more and more specific about their meaning as the seconds progressed. They described, without actually using the word, how it felt like to be autistic. To live in a world that didn't comprehended you, didn't accept you, and thought you were completely aloof and incapable of feeling.
As Jimin heard the words shift from poetic to realistic, from metaphorical to logical, the pieces of the lifelong puzzle that was his best friend's odd behavior started to fit together.
And after silence replaced the music, he finally could see the full picture.
"I'm l-like Sam." Taehyung said, portraying a vulnerability that even Jimin rarely saw. "I'm... I'm..."
"Autistic."
"Yes. P-Part of the spectrum."
"Well that..." He shook his head, a bit dumbfounded but not really surprised. "Explains a lot."
Silence. Taehyung dropped his chin again. His posture turned stiff.
"Are you m-mad?"
"Why would I be mad?"
"I d-didn't tell you."
"And I'm sure you have your reasons why you didn't." Jimin covered one of his friend's knees with his hand. The touch didn't seem to bother him, so he dared to rub his upper leg. Firms touches usually helped him calm down faster. "I'd never be mad at you for something like this... But I am curious. When did you find out? Did you always know, or?..."
"Two years ago."
"Oh. So it's recent."
"Yeah."
"Was I when you started going to therapy?"
Taehyung nodded.
"My psychologist noticed some traits. Said I most likely was autistic. I r-refused to believe it... To a-accept it... For t-the longest t-time."
"Why?"
"Didn't w-want to be weird."
"But you already are weird." Jimin snorted, and the sound landed in a strange place, somewhere between fondness and concern. "That isn't a bad thing, though."
"It's a-always been." Taehyung shook his head, already used to the thought.
"Not to me. Never to me." His soulmate insisted, and stood up from the couch, kneeling down in front of him so that the man didn't have another choice but to face him. "Not to our hyungs, either."
"Jimin-ah..."
"It's true." Now both of his palms were resting over Taehyung's legs. "They love your weirdness. I love your weirdness. Just like I love your inusual sense of humor, how freaking funny you are, your dramatic reactions, your dry sarcasm and cheesy jokes... Just like I love the way you get so invested in the characters you make up out of nowhere, just for fun, or in the music you compose, in the lyrics you write... I love how giddy you get when you're excited. How you jump and run around with a big, squared smile on your face, and sometimes start clapping because your joy just can't be contained... I adore all of that and more. And I love your weirdness."
"But w-why?"
Jimin sighed. He didn't like to see him so insecure, nervous and hopeless. It didn't fit with Taehyung's bright personality, and he wanted to personally murder whoever was the asshole that made him believe he had to mold his character to a certain standard of "normalcy" to be considered worthy of respect and admiration.
"Because I love you." His right hand flew to his best friend's cheek before he could even think about what he was doing. Taehyung didn't flinch or seemed bothered, thankfully. In fact, he leaned into the touch. "And that's never changing."
"Jimin-ah..."
"You should have told me sooner... But now that I know, I'll be able to help you better."
"You... Always do everything right."
Those few words meant the world to Jimin. And the happy, proud smile on his face was proof of it.
"Not always."
"But you learn... And you try."
"Yeah. I try." He whispered, before looking, and pointing with his head at the TV. "So... I'm guessing you don't want to keep watching Netflix anymore."
"Actually, I do. I want to see the ending." Of the show, he meant.
"Okay then. And afterwards?"
"... We play Zelda?"
It was one of the feel-good videogames that Taehyung enjoyed the most, and Jimin knew it. Of course he wasn't saying no.
"Which one?"
"Ocarina of Time?"
"Huh. I really thought you'd go for Majora's Mask." The dancer got up, grabbed their empty bowls of Ramyeon, dirty glasses, and took them to the kitchen sink. Then, when he returned, he added: "Can you believe I still haven't played Breath of The Wild?"
"I have it too... Wanna play?"
"Tomorrow, definitely. You sounded excited to play Ocarina of Time, and I am too. So tonight we play the latter."
"Okay. I'll set everything up."
Talking about games, and later playing them, definitely grounded both of them, not only Taehyung.
Jimin was still processing the news given by his best friend, and although he didn't really think any differently of him, it did make him see a whole bunch of past scenarios in a brand new light.
For example; the way Tae sometimes disconnected from reality during old group interviews, staring at the camera with blank eyes, only talking if absolutely necessary. The way he always fidgeted with his clothes and jewelry, feeling their textures and shapes as he focused on his breathing, before walking on stage. His aversion to bright lights, and his love for sunglasses. His hatred of strong smells, like recently brewed coffee. The fact he was a picky eater and absolutely despised spicy food.
All indicators that he had sensorial issues, and that no one in their group had picked up on before.
"It's just Taehyung being Taehyung." They used to say, giggling at his odd reactions to perfectly normal situations.
Jimin wasn't giggling now.
Well, he was, because playing games with Tae had that effect on him, but he wasn't laughing about the fact he had severely misjudged and misread his best friend, for years.
They had called him an Alien multiple times, for fuck's sake. That for sure must have hurt him, in some way or another, even if they never intended to harm him.
He was so afraid of telling him the truth, too.
Two years. Taehyung spent two whole years having a proper diagnosis, and being terrified of anyone finding out, because he didn't want to be perceived as "weirder" than he "already was".
Oh hell. They all had fucked up, hadn't they?
The song he'd shown him earlier was named "Outcast" for a reason.
Shit.
As if the free prejudice of their society wasn't enough, they also had to add their own stupidity and ignorance on top of Taehyung's problems. What a great support system they were...
Wait. Were they part of the reason he'd been feeling depressed in these last years?! Were they contributing to his pain, unknowingly?!
The lyrics of Blue and Grey came to Jimin's mind. Both the original ones, and the ones sung in the final version.
"Wish I could be stronger."
That old line, for some reason, struck a chord, and made his heart drop to the endless pit in his chest.
Taehyung only wanted someone to understand him. To accept him, oddities and all. To see him as just another normal person.
And yet, they had made him feel alone.
He felt alone.
"Crinkle." His soulmate poked at his forehead, after noticing how hard Jimin was frowning. Then, he paused the game on his behalf. "Alright, spill. What's wrong?"
The older singer let out a breath he didn't even realize he'd been holding.
"I'm sorry."
"It's okay, the Water Temple is a pretty hard-"
"No, not because of the game..." Jimin set the joystick down. "I'm sorry for not noticing just how badly we all have treated you."
"What?" Taehyung seemed genuinely confused. "You have never..."
"I know now why the whole 'alien' thing bothered you so much. It was dumb of us, to call you that... I'm sorry. We never said it to hurt you, though. It was just a joke... A really dumb one, looking back, but..."
"Hey." The singer grabbed Jimin's hand in a tight grip. "I'm not mad at you. Any of you."
"But... We've made you feel..."
"Loved." He insisted. "Very loved. And sure, you've said some stupid stuff before, but who hasn't?..."
"Still. I'm sorry." Jimin huffed, already teary eyed. He knew Taehyung, and knew he was probably trying to spare his feelings, because that was the kind of friend he was. "Can I hug you?"
"Of course."
The shorter man didn't waste any time. He tackled his taller friend and pressed him against the couch cushions, clinging onto him like a koala.
They stayed like that for a while, in total silence, comfortably cuddling and staring at the save screen.
Until Jimin's panicked question made Taehyung chuckle:
"Oh shit; how are we gonna sing Friends now?"
Kissing the crown of his head, the man himself sang:
"Hello, my alien..."
"Aish." Jimin pressed his face against his chest. "Why did I even write that line? I don't want to call you that anymore..."
"Why? It doesn't bother me. Not when you say it." Taehyung replied, calmly. "You're my best friend. Soulmate. You're allowed to call me out on my weirdness; you've never made me feel bad about it... Unlike everyone else. Besides, in the song, it's cute."
"You're sure?"
"Yeah."
"Oh thank fuck." Taehyung laughed out loud as Jimin chuckled with relief. "I was already thinking I had insulted you badly, and wondering how on earth could I make it up to you."
"You haven't, so don't worry. I would have asked you to remove the line otherwise." The other replied, before yawning, looking at the TV, and adding: "You know... I think we should save the game and go to sleep. It's getting late."
"You're right, but..." Jimin looked at his best friend again. "We also could save the game and go out into the balcony for a while. Watch the night sky. What do you think?"
Taehyung's smile widened and he continued singing:
"Me from the moon, you from the stars..."
His best friend dragged him out of the couch and they continued their sleepy duet as they turned everything off, and headed outside.
Five minutes later, they played yet another jazz playlist out loud. Grabbed a new bottle of wine. Sat down on the recliners outside and talked. About serious and pointless things. About memories they shared, and things they wanted to do. About everything and anything.
Jimin made a few questions about his friend's experience living with autism and for the first time, he didn't feel ashamed openly talking about it.
"But like, how do you do it? How are you so comfortable on stage? There's so many things going on at once..."
"Well, most things that happen on stage are already rehearsed. The songs, the choreography, the special effects... I know what's coming, and that is reassuring. I can trust in my surroundings... But, if something goes wrong and I get stressed between songs, I do have a few tricks to ground myself... Like playing with my rings, my bracelets, or putting on my glasses... Talking with you guys. That way I can keep my cool until I'm alone, backstage, and I can actually calm down."
"I... I'm seriously impressed by your ability to handle all of that publicly. I don't think I could."
"It's not as hard as it seems, really. Most of the time I'm pretty relaxed up there. I love singing, dancing, seeing ARMY... I enjoy it. Maybe because the attention I get up there is different, from the attention I get on a one on one conversation. Up there, I can say what I want to say and without being afraid of being misunderstood... Everyone knows the lyrics already. Everyone knows what I mean. But when I talk to people alone, it's... More complicated than that."
"So you're saying that performing on a stage, in front of 50.000 people is less scary than a regular conversation?"
"It's funny when you say it out loud, but yeah."
"No, it's..." Jimin drank a bit of wine. "I get it."
"Besides, I think I can trust our fans more than a lot of people I used to call 'friends'. They don't mind that I'm strange... They don't want me to change, like other people have."
"I also get that." They clinked their glasses. "But they're right Tae... You don't have to change."
Taehyung nodded, then sniffled, because the cold night air was making his nose runny.
"I know I don't have to. And I can't, either." He admitted. "I know because I tried, for a while... Before I even had my diagnosis. I read some stupid comments online, complaining that I was too childish, loud and spontaneous and so I tried my best to tone it down... But it didn't work. Pretending I wasn't on the spectrum only made me feel miserable... And that, mixed with the depression I didn't know I was about to have because if the pandemic, really screwed up my mindset for a while. I don't think I ever felt that low before."
"When did this happen?"
"It started around 2018... Until 2021, I think. It was a really dark period in my life for many reasons, but... Yeah. Trying to act like someone I wasn't, and hating myself for my own personality and traits... It only made things worse."
"Again, I get how you feel." Jimin sighed, a little tired of repeating the same sentence once more. "Well, partially, I do... You remember how I was when we debuted..."
"A mess."
"Exactly." They both chuckled. "I was trying to be cool, and manly, and all of these things I had no idea of how to be... And it took a toll on me. A really, really big one."
"It did..." Taehyung's amusement suddenly turned into sadness, and a bit of guilt. "And, since you apologized to me earlier, and we're talking about this, I..." He set his glass on the ground and moved his position on the chair so he could look at Jimin. "I want to apologize to you too."
The man's gaze left the night sky above and searched for his best friend's eyes.
"Apologize?"
"I also said some pretty nasty stuff to you too, when we were young. Blame it on me being ignorant, immature, or just not having a filter for cruel jokes, but... I screwed things up, back then... I called you a pig, made fun of your height, of your intellect... Anyway, it was all bullshit. I'm sorry."
Jimin wasn't expecting the conversation to take such a harsh turn, but that wasn't to say he was bothered by it. Hearing an actual apology from him, even if years had passed since those dark days, felt good. Reassuring.
"All is forgiven, Tae. But... thanks. You don't know how much it means to me..." His voice cracked and he decided to shut up.
Despite being way better at accepting himself and loving himself as of lately, Jimin still struggled with the same nagging thoughts of his late teenage years, from time to time.
His self-deprecation wasn't as aggressive and dangerous anymore, but it still hurt him just as much.
Therapy and meditation had helped him regain control over his mental health problems, but they didn't make them disappear completely.
Taehyung's words were, therefore, very much appreciated indeed.
"And, uh... I should probably also say that, uhm..." The latter caressed the back of his own neck nervously, playing with the tufts of brown hair that covered it. "Shit..."
"What?" Jimin's asked softly, sitting down with his back straight once he noticed just how stiff his best friend's posture had become, once again.
"I w-wrote another song for you. It's in the album." His eyes glued themselves onto the ground below, which meant that clearly, he was anxious.
Taehyung normally liked to look at people in the eyes while talking. It was one of the main things that differentiated him from other people with his disorder, actually. (But, then again, as his own therapist had said to him; autism is a spectrum for a reason.)
Eye contact didn't bother him, in the slightest. In fact, he oftenly used it as a weapon against his own conversational awkwardness. Staring at a person directly, without changing his focus, made him pay attention to their reaction to his words, and helped him determine if he had crossed any social boundaries or not. If they seemed happy or relaxed, he was doing fine. If they frowned, or looked like he had dropkicked their child, he had fucked up and needed to apologize immediately for his bluntness.
Observing the rest of the face as well, was a good tool to measure someone's attentiveness towards him. Since he sometimes could go on and on about his special interests, the best way of knowing when to stop was by seeing physical indications of the other person's boredom, like excessive blinking, nodding, lip biting, crinkled expression lines, and/or furrowed brows.
If he looked away from someone, however, it was a clear indication that he was fearful of seeing their reaction. That he didn't want to know, how they would take his words. That his nervousness was taking over.
"You wrote a song for me." Jimin repeated, a bit dumfounded. "Which one?"
"Under the moonlight."
For a moment, the older singer's heart stopped. That particular song was one of his favorite ones in that masterpiece of an album, and he'd been begging Taehyung to choose it as a leading single for months.
Which he did. And it was, in fact, one of the only two songs already out, with an MV and everything.
It started with the sound of birds singing in the distance, and of cars rolling by the wet asphalt of a random street. Then, an acoustic guitar marked the actual beginning of the song, and pulled the lyrics along.
It was the only track in the whole album that was stripped down to the point of sounding like a demo, and - besides a violin that joined the party later on - the instrumental was provided mainly by the guitar.
No drums, saxes, trumpets and basses. No fancy mixing, or effects. The main focus of the song was, clearly, Taehyung's deep, bewitching voice, and his complex lyricism.
If Jimin was right, the story told by his soulmate was one of an unrequited love.
Wait.
Was Taehyung...
No.
He couldn't be.
"You..." The dancer's voice got stuck inside his throat. He wanted to talk, but couldn't.
"I love you, Jimin-ah."
Came the airy confession he'd never expected to hear, not in this lifetime, or in the next.
But Taehyung had said it. He had opened his mouth and uttered the words Jimin had been keeping to himself for nearly a decade now.
"Y-You what?-"
"I'm sorry. I didn't want to make things awkward between us... I just..." His leg began to bounce. "I h-had to be honest with you."
"I love you too."
"You don't need to-"
"No, Taehyung, I love you too!" He basically jumped out of his seat, cradled his face with his hands and kissed him.
Surprised and still a little bit slow from his earlier shutdown, the poor man couldn't respond to the gesture right away. But, once his hands found a grip on Jimin's shirt, and he felt his plump lips abandon his own, Taehyung surged forwards and captured them again, kissing him back until both were completely out of breath.
Then, the jazzy playlist they'd been listening to was cut off, and a notification appeared on the screen of the latter's phone.
"Your album is out."
"It is." He exhaled, examining Jimin's blushing cheeks and the fascinating sparkles of the moonlight, reflected on his eyes. They looked like they held entire galaxies in them. "Kiss me again?"
The other nodded, and fulfilled his shared wish.
They got comfortable in the reclinable chair; Taehyung pulled his best friend into his lap and held him in place gently, as if afraid of losing his warmth. Although Jimin made it pretty clear that he wasn't backing off, not anytime soon.
The playlist continued playing, despite the far away "dings" of the recent notifications, pilling up.
The would deal with their burning world when the sun came up.
Right now, they'd makeout peacefully under the moon.
Okay, beautiful scenery and poetic prose aside, it was getting cold as a penguin's butt cheeks out there; they needed to go back inside.
Who needs the stars? They had a roof.
So, after noticing how much they were both trembling, they reluctantly got up, grabbed their things, and returned to the warmth of the living room.
Taehyung checked his phone, out of curiosity, before turning it off. At this point, his album had been out for a whole hour.
He'd been kissing Jimin for sixty full minutes.
He was both impressed, and happy by that plot-twist.
"Still down to cuddle with me?" His beloved soulmate asked, turning off his own phone as well.
Jimin didn't want no one else to have his full attention that night. Only Taehyung.
"Of course." He smiled, heart full of love and adoration. "There's nothing I'd rather do than doing nothing with you."
The dancer laughed and shook his head, pulling him into another kiss.
"Then let's go to bed."
"Lead the way."