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“What do you want for breakfast?” Hyunjin asks for the fifth time that morning. Every time he asks, Felix refuses to eat, but Hyunjin isn’t giving up. The rest of the group have already finished breakfast and left for work, but Felix and Hyunjin are still here, arguing over breakfast.
“No.” Felix answers once again, bent over the kitchen table with his face in his hands. He doesn’t want food. He is way too stressed out about the tightly packed schedule for the next week, too many commitments and too many places to be. It’s overwhelming and the only way he knows how to deal is with an empty stomach.
“You have to eat something.” Hyunjin leans against the counter in their kitchen with his arms crossed in front of him. He looks deflated, tired of having this argument over and over, but also like it’s going exactly how he expected. It makes guilt swirl in Felix’s gut, Hyunjin expected him to be difficult, he expected him to argue over this.
“I’m not hungry.” Felix lies. He loves the empty feeling in his stomach, or at least he thinks he does. He knows he isn’t supposed to, but at some point in his life, the wires in his head got crossed, making him think hungry is good and full is bad. It’s hard to do something that feels so wrong.
“You know that’s not how it works when-” Hyunjin abruptly cuts himself off before he finishes, but Felix knows exactly what he was about to say, when you’re recovering from an eating disorder. You can’t just not eat a meal, even if you aren’t hungry.
“Then how does it work?” Felix asks, daring Hyunjin to say the words out loud. He doesn’t bite onto the bait as he just shrugs and keeps looking at Felix, waiting for an answer to what he wants to eat. The thing is, Felix knows he’s hard to deal with, that he’s a completely different person around mealtime. He doesn’t like this bad Felix that makes him mean and snappy, but he doesn’t know how to be good Felix when he’s around food. He’s just so scared and overwhelmed.
“If you don’t pick, I will.” Hyunjin looks determined, and a little sad. Felix groans. The thought of eating anything off of that stupid meal plan makes his stomach twist with anxiety. That meal plan is the devils work, and he will not change his mind about that.
About a month ago, he agreed to get help when Hyunjin had had enough of arguing like this. Felix’s excuse was always a diet, to the point that he was starving himself, and his friends were forced to just watch it happen. After many discussions about Felix’s problem, Hyunjin was crying, pleading with him to accept the help. This time, Felix stopped screaming back, instead crying and agreeing that he needed help.
“It’s just this once Hyunjin.” Felix rests his forehead on the table, sick of talking about this. He’ll go back to eating enough tomorrow, when stress levels are a little calmer, and he can think more clearly. He knows recovery doesn’t work like that, but recovery also isn’t linear. He’s allowed to slip up sometimes.
“Yeah, just this once. And just this once tomorrow, and the day after that, and suddenly you’re down a size.” Hyunjin says, looking increasingly close to crying with every word. Felix cringes at the mention of sizes. He doesn’t need a reminder of how much he’s gained because of that stupid meal plan.
“Hyunjin.” Felix whines, leaning so far back on his chair it might fall over. He’s angry at himself, despite how it looks when he takes it out on Hyunjin. Why can’t he just be a normal person and eat breakfast without arguing over it first?
Hyunjin doesn’t scream at him, he just starts crying. Chan and Jisung however, yell back when Felix starts yelling at them. Minho and Changbin just stare at him, at a loss of what to do. The maknaes hide in a separate room, removing themselves from the tense situation in the kitchen.
“Felix.” Hyunjin whines back, imitating him to hide how his voice shakes. Felix can see that his control is wavering, the tears dancing on his waterline. Felix feels bad for putting him through this so often, he wishes with every fiber of his being that he could stop. “I’ll give you two options, okay?”
“Not okay.” Felix snaps back. He had hoped for an easy way out of eating, that maybe for once Hyunjin would accept the fact that he just isn’t hungry. He should have known that Hyunjin cares too much about him to let him go to practice hungry. It’s heartwarming and heartbreaking at the same time.
“Fine.” Hyunjin throws his hands up in frustration. For a moment Felix’s heart flutters in his chest. Did he do it? “I’ll make you eggs on toast with juice and yoghurt.” Hyunjin says, knowing the meal plan by heart by now. Felix groans, his heart dropping. Eggs are too much; he can’t eat that. And how much butter will Hyunjin put on the toast? How much sugar is in the juice?
“Who eats eggs with yoghurt?” Felix scrunches his face up, pretending that that is the problem. He needs to find a way to eat less, the thought alone of Hyunjin’s meal makes him feel sick with how full he knows he’ll be. He won’t be able to put his all into dancing with the weight of it in his stomach.
“What do you want then?” Hyunjin sounds so done with him. Felix feels guilty that they have to fight over his food intake all the time. It stresses them both out, day in and day out and it’s taking a toll on their relationship. Sometimes, Felix wishes that he could just skip ahead three months, six months, a year, skip however long it takes for all the hard work and arguing and fear to get to the good part. He wants to be better, to not fear food, but it’s a difficult fight to get there.
The fighting and constant worry is putting a tension between them that Felix never wanted them to have. Being with Hyunjin has always been so easy, effortless. They just fit, never even argued, or accidentally hurt each other with stupid things. But now, because of Felix, it’s hard and it’s exhausting. It feels like they’re further away from each other than ever even though Hyunjin is right there alongside him.
“I’ll have the yoghurt.” Felix gives in, just wanting to be done. He wants the distance between them to close and in order to do that he needs to get better. If Hyunjin says that sticking with his treatment will help, then Felix trusts him. But it’s so hard.
“And?” Hyunjin prompts, mover over to the fridge and retrieving the yoghurt. His movements are sharp, forceful with frustration that only add to Felix’s distress.
“Cereal?” Felix’s voice goes up at the end, making it sound like a question. Hyunjin gets the cereal without a word, picking the one that used to be Felix’s favorite. The bowl is practically slammed onto the counter before Hyunjin pours the cereal.
There’s a lump forming in Felix’s throat as he sees the bowl fill. He doesn’t say anything about it being too full, already feeling bad about being so difficult. He knows Hyunjin isn’t mad at him, but frustrated with the situation and not being able to help more. He too wants to get to the good part so Felix can be happier.
Hyunjin pours too much milk into the bowl and when he opens the yoghurt, he scrapes the small amount on the lid back into the cup. To top it all off, he fills a big glass almost to the brim with orange juice.
Felix is fighting back tears when Hyunjin puts the food in front of him. Numbers swirl around in his head as he tries to figure out what he’s about to eat. He utters a thick “Thanks.”, shakily lifting the spoon to his lips and taking a deep breath before putting it in his mouth.
“Hey.” Hyunjin takes Felix’s hand as he sits down beside him. “You know I’m just trying to help you, right?” His voice is softer now that Felix is eating, but the emotion is still pooling in his eyes, matching Felix’s own tears that refuse to fall.
“Yeah.” Felix sighs. He knows, it’s just so hard to do the thing that is best for him sometimes. He knows that eating is better than not eating, but not eating is so much easier than fighting the voice in his head. “I’m sorry for being so difficult.”
“It’s a bad day, doesn’t make you a bad person.” Hyunjin says with a shrug. Felix has been doing better recently, accepting food a little easier, albeit still with a fight first. But no one can be strong all the time and that’s when Hyunjin and the others are strong for him, showing him the way.
After a few more weeks of fight over breakfast every morning without fail, Felix realizes that he can skip lunch instead. He feels like he can’t allow himself to eat breakfast unless he’s tries to push back first, something that causes bad moods for everyone as soon as they wake up. The distance between him and Hyunjin is still there, and Felix wants everything to go back to the way it was before.
The group has no way of really knowing if Felix ate lunch or not. They are often spread out, working on different things in smaller groups. It’s surprisingly easy to go back and forth during the day, telling Hyunjin that he ate with Chan, and Chan that he ate with Jisung and so on and so forth. This way, he skips meals without having to fight over it. That’s how this all started in the first place, they really shouldn’t trust him this much so early in recovery.
So, for the past couple weeks he’s eaten breakfast without complaining, whining, or starting fights. Even after a few weeks of this, Hyunjin looks relieved, letting his guard down every morning when Felix accepts the food without a word.
Hyunjin starts to trust him more, letting him choose what to eat more freely, and not watching him like a hawk while he eats. The guilt that’s growing like a tumor in his gut is increasingly difficult to ignore. It increases in size every time he lies and skips lunch while Hyunjin and the others are somewhere else in the building.
Most days, he says that he’s going to eat with another group only to hide in the bathroom for half an hour before joining a group and saying he already ate with the last one. That’s where he is now, playing a game on his phone as he sits on the closed toilet lid and waits for half an hour to pass.
A message rolls in on the top of his screen, drawing his attention away from the game. It’s from Hyunjin, How’s lunch? Hyunjin thinks he’s eating with Minho and Jisung, as if he’s ever willingly third wheel with them. Felix sighs, knowing he has to come up with a lie, but he doesn’t want to lie again.
With another sigh, Felix exits the bathroom and heads for the cafeteria, relieved when he rounds the corner and none of the other members are there. He grabs a plate of chocolate chip pancakes and a bowl of cut up fruit, his mouth watering at the sight. He misses chocolate. And greasy food, and cake, and potato chips, and just feeling full and enjoying food in general. He misses baking and actually eating the things he makes.
Grabbing a water bottle, he pays and moves over to a table in the corner, so he won’t feel too exposed. He can’t stand being watched eating when it isn’t his members, can barely stand it when it’s them. Snapping a picture, he sends it to Hyunjin with just a smiley face. Hyunjin will be suspicious if Felix sounds too optimistic, he learned that the hard way.
Hyunjin replies with a smiley face and a heart and Felix rolls his eyes at how his heart flutters in his chest. It’s just two emojis, how can they affect his mood so much? This is usually when he picks at the fruit, takes a few sips of water, and throws everything away. He sometimes gets lunch so he can send Hyunjin a picture rather than lie, but he never eats the food.
He feels bad for wasting so much food when there are so many people in the world starving because they don’t have access to food. Just one more thing to add to his guilt tumor.
Felix knows he could choose to eat; it wouldn’t be the end of the world. He is so sick of being hungry and constantly thinking about food, worrying himself sick over how much he eats in a day. Restricting was supposed to help him tackle his anxiety, but lately it has been the source of his anxiety.
Having to hide his behaviors from Hyunjin and the others while always stressing over what to do when Hyunjin is home, or he can’t get away is exhausting. Something in their relationship has shifted. Felix feels Hyunjin pull away, slipping between his fingers, and it’s all because of Felix’s stupid eating disorder. It’s not worth losing Hyunjin to hold onto his bad habits.
So he could choose to eat, but it’s absolutely terrifying to let go. He can’t keep living like this for much longer. He knows he’s approaching his breaking point, fast. Something needs to change, even if change is incredibly terrifying.
Felix looks down at his food. It used to be one of his favorites, something he’s often make when he craved something sweet in the morning while still needing nutrients to get him through the day. He stares at it, trying to decide if he’s strong enough to take the first step today. Just thinking about how good the pancakes with chocolate chips tastes makes his mouth water.
He sends a text to Hyunjin, deciding he probably isn’t able to think rationally when it comes to food. He’ll leave this up to someone else, let someone else decide, someone who has his best interest in mind. God knows, Felix does not have Felix’s best interest in mind.
Felix: Am I strong enough?
Hyunjin: I have no doubt that you are<3
That is that then, Felix is strong enough to take the first step today, according to Hyunjin. Picking up his fork and knife, he cuts off a piece of the pancakes, holding it up to his mouth and almost moaning at how amazing it smells. He barely remembers how it tasted; it’s been too long since he allowed himself this.
His stomach feels like it’s caving in on itself now that food is so close, and his mouth waters again. He should listen to his body, right? His body tells him what it needs, he should stop ignoring it.
Taking the bite of pancakes into his mouth, he closes his eyes and chews with a small, proud smile on his lips. They taste better than he remembered.
Changing is harder to do than he thought. After his ‘epiphany’ about listening to what his body tells him it needs, he thought recovery would be easier. He had himself convinced he was in control for so long, he genuinely thought he could just decide to stop, and he would stop. That’s not how it works at all. He never had any control over it, it controlled – controls – him.
The fights over breakfast started back up, and fights over lunch, and dinner. At some point, Hyunjin stopped asking Felix what he wants, accepting the fact that Felix will never say he wants anything Hyunjin deems acceptable as a meal. Instead, Hyunjin chooses what they both eat for every meal, snack and in-between and Felix reluctantly eats what is served to him without putting up a fight. If Hyunjin eats it too, it can’t be that bad for him.
When the group orders pizza one night, Felix’s heart picks up speed. Knowing Felix struggles when too many eyes are on him, the two of then often eat in one of their bedrooms to get away from the others. Hyunjin comes into the room with two pizza boxes and immediately numbers start filling Felix’s head, of how much is in the crust, in the sauce, the toppings, the cheese. He’s moments from breaking out in a sweat when Hyunjin snaps his fingers in Felix’s face.
“Anyone home?” Hyunjin asks jokingly. Felix doesn’t know how long he stared off into space, probably too long judging from Hyunjin’s reaction. Felix smiles and nods up at him, not trusting his voice. He focuses on coming back to the moment, taking a few deep breaths to calm himself. His therapist keeps telling him this fear will subside. Every time he eats, he shows his anxiety that it’s okay, that it’s safe, and eventually his body will believe it.
He looks forward to the day his heart races in a positive way when thinking about food. That sounds like such a great, freeing feeling that he wishes he had access to. He can vaguely remember it from his past, but it’s been so long, and the anxiety is so intense that it’s wiped out everything else.
“Ready for dinner?” Hyunjin asks cheerily. He’s in an oddly good mood today. Their relationship has been healing over the past few weeks as well. It’s like Felix’s eating disorder was building a wall between them, and Felix is slowly taking it back down as he works on his recovery.
“Starving.” Felix says without emotion. That word doesn’t mean the same as it used to, and Felix flinches at the reminder. He really is very hungry, but some part of him still wants to keep that feeling, it still thinks that this feeling is good.
“But are you ready?” Hyunjin asks again, just as cheerily. Felix is never ready for a meal, hungry, sure, but wanting to eat? He’s not there yet.
“Am I ever?” Felix asks, looking at Hyunjin with guilt. He doesn’t want to be a buzz-killer, but he won’t pretend to be better than he is, he won’t lie to Hyunjin and say it’s okay. Nothing good ever came out of lying in the past, that won’t suddenly change now.
“I’ll try again. Would pre-ED Felix be ready?” Hyunjin doesn’t give up, he knows what answer he wants, and Felix won’t get out of it. Hyunjin’s positivity is refreshing, even if it’s fake. He’s still standing just inside the door, one pizza in each hand, arms starting to shake from how long he’s held them at level with his head.
“He’d be over the moon.” Felix says softly, the reminder of how good life can be both painful and hopeful. He wants to get back to how relaxed ‘pre-ED Felix’ was around food, he never should’ve lost him in the first place.
“Do you know what that means?” Hyunjin says and comes over to set up the pizzas on the floor. Felix just looks at him, waiting to be told what that means. “You are ready.” And maybe Hyunjin has a point.
“The whole pizza?” Felix doesn’t think he’ll physically be able to do that. He used to do it no problem, but this won’t make for a positive experience with food if he eats himself sick.
Felix eats slower than Hyunjin, counting how many bites it takes to finish each slice, and how many times he chews each bite. His mind insists on being filled with numbers, so he tries to distract himself with the meaningless numbers instead of the anxiety inducing ones.
He’s halfway through his pizza, and the voices in his head are getting louder. He feels full, but he can’t trust that it’s real. It could be in his head, his brain making him feel full, so he won’t eat any more. As he keeps eating, it gets harder and harder to make himself take bites, chew, and swallow, like his body is physically fighting against it.
With a groan, he throws the rest of the slice he’s holding back in the box and sits back against the bed behind him. He’s so full he feels sick, definitely not just in his head. He only has one and a half slices left, but it’s too much.
“What?” Hyunjin asks, looking concerned when he turns to Felix. He finished his food already, taking half the time Felix has used. That’s how a normal person eats, a person who doesn’t have convince themselves to take every bite.
“I can’t.” Felix whines, covering his face with his hands. He wanted to do it; he wanted the voices to leave him alone while he enjoyed some pizza and ate like he didn’t have a problem.
“Because you-?” Hyunjin trails off, letting the question hang in the air. Felix knows he’s grown weary of asking because of his previous reactions, but Hyunjin also needs to know what’s wrong, so he knows how to help.
“I cannot physically make myself eat any more.” Felix says, letting out his frustration. He almost wants to cry, feels it at the back of his throat.
“You tried.” Hyunjin says, trying to comfort him. He lies down on the floor with his head in Felix’s lap, looking up at him with a soft smile, pride on his face.
“But I want the rest!” Felix says louder than he meant to. He didn’t realize how true it is until he said it out loud. Hyunjin cups his face with a hand, sitting up to plant a soft kiss on his lips that makes Felix relax a little.
“We’ll put it in the fridge, you can finish it later.” Hyunjin says with a shrug. Felix is surprised that Hyunjin isn’t pushing him to eat. Maybe he really has been making progress, maybe Hyunjin trusts him more. It’s a sad thought, that Felix’s issues caused Hyunjin not to trust him anymore. But they are rebuilding that trust.
“Really?” He asks, a little excited that he’ll have a chance to enjoy the rest later. HE forgot how good pizza could taste if he just let himself enjoy it.
“We can even heat it up for you.” Hyunjin says with a smile and Felix can tell he’s working hard not to say how proud he is, he knows how Felix will twist those words, shrink under his praise like he’s done something wrong. But just feeling it like this almost makes him a little proud at himself too.
“Have you eaten today?” Hyunjin asks not even five minutes after getting home. Felix had a rare day off after a small fall during practice yesterday. He was told to stay home today and rest his knee, so it doesn’t develop into more than a sore spot. The days alone are the dangerous ones, Felix is in complete control of his food, and it’s so easy to fall into old patterns. Giving himself permission to eat is so much harder than getting the permission from someone else.
Felix doesn’t reply to Hyunjin. He hasn’t eaten since they shared breakfast, and he hates himself for it. At some point, not eating went from something he thought he chose to do, to something that controlled him. And he doesn’t know how to take back that control.
He’s had a tough week. He can’t stop thinking about everything he misses out on being so far away from his family. He was always there for his parents and for his sisters. Every milestone, no matter how small or big, he was there. Then he moved here, to Korea, and suddenly all these things happen, milestones reached, and Felix isn’t there.
It was for his dream, and he doesn’t regret it at all. He doesn’t wish he never went, and he has the full support and understanding from his family. But whenever he starts thinking of all the things going on in his sisters’ lives, all the moments they needed their brother, all the things he wishes he could be there for, he is overwhelmed by the emotions that follow. He’s just missing out on so much.
Felix only knows one way to deal with how overwhelming life is sometimes, and that is food. He wishes it wasn’t that way, but it is. And sometimes he gives in to it. He’s just sat on this freaking couch all day, unmoving and stuck in unhelpful thought patterns.
“Felix?” Hyunjin asks again, moving closer to him. Felix is already crying, hot tears running down his cheeks as his breath hitches. Hyunjin crouches down in front of him, wiping his tears with soft fingers, his brows knitting in concern.
“I’m broken.” Felix whispers, surprising himself. He wasn’t planning on telling Hyunjin about his little problem today. He’s been doing so well with his recovery; he’s been happy, and eating has even started getting enjoyable. When he’s happy is when he finds it the easiest to stay on track. It’s when the little bumps in the road come up that he sometimes stumbles and falls.
“What?” Hyunjin looks surprised at his words. With a deep sigh, he pulls Felix into a hug, holding him close and letting Felix grip onto his shirt and cry into his shoulder. “Why do you think that?”
“Because I can’t do this one basic part of being a functioning human fucking being.” Felix mumbles into Hyunjin’s chest, angry but too tired to show it. He wraps his arms around Hyunjin’s waist, letting himself be submerged in the comforting warmth and safety of Hyunjin’s embrace.
“You didn’t eat, did you?” Hyunjin asks, not sounding disappointed or angry at all. It surprises Felix. He expected Hyunjin to be mad, to start a fight, or lecture him like he’s a child. But Hyunjin is too good for that, he should’ve known. He understands that Felix is trying even if he isn’t always doing a good job.
Felix shakes his head, feeling his eyes well up with fresh tears. He’s so frustrated with himself. Why can’t recovery just happen because he wants it? Why won’t his brain just allow him to be happy? Why does he have to fight so damn hard all the time? It’s exhausting.
“Why is it so easy to slip back here?” Felix says through tears, hearing how they twist his voice to something unrecognizable. “A few bad days and I’m right back to the beginning.” He feels so defeated. It spreads through him like poison, painting everything dark until he barely remembers why he started fighting in the first place.
“But you’re not back there.” Hyunjin pulls back a little to look him in the eye. “You told me. You wouldn’t have done that a couple of months ago.” At those words, Felix feels himself being pulled toward the light again. Hyunjin is right, he told him, he didn’t hide it.
“You want to change, right?” Hyunjin asks, but it isn’t really a question. He just knows Felix will benefit from hearing himself say it out loud.
“You know I do.” Felix says, using Hyunjin’s shirt to wipe his eyes, earning him an exasperated look.
“And it will get better, but we have to be patient.” The way Hyunjin says ‘we’ helps him feel less alone. Like he doesn’t have to stand in this fight on his own. “Change doesn’t happen overnight no matter how much we want it. We fight for it because we know it’s worth it. And I’ll be there with you every step of the way.”
“Yeah.” Felix says faintly, giving himself a moment to process what Hyunjin just said. These mood swings are going to give him whiplash. He goes so quickly from light to dark to light again.
“We can set up an extra appointment with your therapist?” Hyunjin suggests gently. Felix thinks about it. He already goes there once a week, but when he went a couple of days ago, he didn’t want to talk about what was bothering him. Maybe an extra appointment won’t hurt. He nods again, this time more certainly. He can’t stop fighting because of a few bad days. It’s in these hard times it is especially important to fight.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Hyunjin asks, getting off the floor to sit on the couch beside Felix. His legs must be killing him from being crouched for so long, but he doesn’t complain.
“I just miss my family.” Felix says, feeling the wave of fresh tears threatening to fall. He presses the heels of his hands into his eyes, desperate to hold them back. Crying isn’t helping him feel any better.
“We can call them later. Would that help?” Hyunjin suggests, looking over at the clock and probably trying to work out what time it is in Australia. At the thought of hearing his sisters’ voices, Felix can breathe a little easier.
“Yeah.” He nods, smiling a little to himself. “Thank you. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” He says honestly, enjoying the light blush spreading on Hyunjin’s face.
“So, what do you want to eat?” Hyunjin asks, standing up from the couch and holding out a hand for Felix. Felix smiles up at him, taking his hand and letting himself be pulled to his feet. He really is hungry, and he wants to eat.
Felix stands in front of the full-body mirror in his room, looking at himself. He doesn’t pull his skin or measure or move around like he used to, just looks. His eyes scan every detail, comparing it to the mental image he has from yesterday, trying to see if anything has changed.
Seeing his body change through his recovery is possibly the hardest part. He’s filling out, growing bigger, looking less malnourished every week. At first the change was fast. He felt like there was a new, bigger person looking back at him every time he caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror. He wouldn’t let Hyunjin touch him, would wear baggy clothes to bed and never let anyone see him changing.
The intimacy in their relationship basically died, but Felix missed it. Just laying together in bed, skin to skin is such an intimate act. Touching Hyunjin in the way only he can, felt weird when he couldn’t et Hyunjin do the same to him. And he could tell Hyunjin missed it as well. He would reach out to touch only to retreat his hands, clenching them at his sides when he remembered how Felix would react.
Nowadays the change happens slower. He’ll just start getting comfortable in his new body when he realizes he’s gained even more weight. And the worst part is that he isn’t even sure he’s actually gained, it could just be in his head, making him see something that isn’t there. He knows that what he sees in the mirror isn’t actually how he looks, that he’s not the size he sees.
Hyunjin helps him with taking pictures instead on the days he breaks down over it. In pictures he sees what he really looks like, or at least closer to the truth. His mind might never stop twisting the image of his own body, but it’s less in the pictures than the mirror.
When he looks at himself and can see a visible change, it doesn’t really matter if it’s real or not. It still crushes him, leaving him tempted to try losing again. Rationally, he knows he can’t do that. He can’t dance with the devil and expect a good outcome.
Arms circle his waist, turning him away from the mirror without a word. Felix sighs, dropping his head in shame. He isn’t supposed to do this anymore, but it’s hard to let go off all the things he used to do. They were his comfort for so long, holding onto a few harmless ones should be okay. But they’re not harmless, he has to remind himself, it tempts him, whispers in his ear that everything will be better if he goes back.
He gets so tired of it sometimes. It’s so hard to do the thing that’s best for him, it would be easier to just give in. Fighting craves more of his time, energy, and mental capacity, it’s something he has to actively choose every day. Slipping back to old habits takes no effort, it is automatic, instinct, but he doesn’t really want that. He doesn’t want to be sick like was.
“I’m sorry.” Felix whispers, glad that Hyunjin is wrapped around his back, so he doesn’t have to look at him. He’s just in his boxers, and he feels too big in Hyunjin’s arms, but the touch is still comforting, he wants to enjoy it. If this was even just a few weeks ago, Felix would be freaking out about Hyunjin seeing him like this, but he’s grown more comfortable lately with Hyunjin’s encouragement and support.
“You are beautiful.” Hyunjin says, his hands sliding down to rub at Felix’s hips. Felix tries not to think about his insecurities, to rather put all his focus on the soft touch. It’s been so long since he let Hyunjin touch him more than this. It’s not that he doesn’t want it, there’s just always something his brain gets stuck on that kills the mood. This time, he feels comfortable in Hyunjin’s arms, allowing himself to relax a little.
Hyunjin’s lips are suddenly on the back of Felix’s neck, the softest touch sending tingles through his chest. When Felix doesn’t move, Hyunjin kissed his neck again, moving up to the skin just below his ear. Felix sighs at the feeling, melting into the touch as Hyunjin’s lips move around his neck with the softest kisses. Hyunjin’s hands move, one to the front of his hip, so close to more sensitive areas, the other to cup one of his cheeks.
Felix tenses up a little, waiting for the anxiety to set in at the thought of letting Hyunjin in, but it doesn’t come. He doesn’t cringe at the thought of Hyunjin’s hands exploring every inch of his body or taking off the last piece of clothing covering him up. It actually sounds rather pleasant, Hyunjin was always good with his hands.
Turning around in Hyunjin’s arms, Felix looks at him for a moment before capturing his lips in a deep kiss, his arms slung over Hyunjin’s shoulders. Hyunjin’s hands on his waist are so warm and big, he wants to remember how they feel wrapped around him. Felix is lost in the kiss, deep and a little desperate, when Hyunjin pulls back, panting.
“Yeah?” He asks, kiss-swollen lips, heated cheeks and hooded eyes looking back at Felix. Felix nods with small smile, he wants this, and nothing is stopping him this time.
“Yeah.”
+1.
“Did he fucking say that?” Felix asks no one in particular, voice light with disbelief. He’s staring blankly into the air, standing outside his GP’s office. “Did he just fucking say that?” He repeats incredulously. Hyunjin stays silent behind him, giving him space to think. They had a doctor’s appointment because Felix had to get tested for hay fever. That’s why they came today. No other reason.
“He fucking-” Felix trails off, struggling to believe what his doctor said. The doctor he has seen through his whole eating disorder recovery. The one who knows how much he’s struggled to get better. The one who referred him to the treatment center he still goes to every week for therapy sessions. “Told me to watch what I eat. Did you hear him?” Felix turns to Hyunjin.
“Yeah, Lix.” Hyunjin looks sad and scared, like he’s worried that Felix is about to have a meltdown and undo weeks, if not months of hard work. Maybe Hyunjin doesn’t know him well enough after all, when someone tells Felix to do something, especially something he’s passionate about, he does the exact opposite.
Are you still taking your medications? He had asked. To which Felix replied yes, of course. Just remember that it heightens your feeling of hunger, but not your metabolism. So be careful what you eat and make sure to not eat more than your body needs.
And he gets it, they’re idols, dieting and weight is a big part of the pressure put on them. But how can any practicing physician tell his eating disorder patient to watch what he eats? It makes Felix so angry he could seriously hurt someone.
“What the fuck?” Felix grows angrier with every moment, almost yelling at the open street at this point. How dare he? One thing in for sure, he’s never going back to that old, grumpy asshole. Felix turns on his heels, storming down the street, determined to prove him wrong. Felix doesn’t have to watch what he eats; his body tells him exactly what he needs, and he just listens.
“Where are you going?” Hyunjin calls after him, jogging to keep up with Felix’s pace. He still sounds scared, but also a little amused.
“To get pizza.” Felix half-shouts. His heart is racing from the anger, but also in anticipation of the cheesy, greasy amazingness that is pizza. Over the last year, he’s gone from being terrified of food, to being a true foodie, maybe even more than he was before. He had forgotten how food can be such a great part of his life, and now he knows how to appreciate it.
“What?” Hyunjin asks, clearly surprised that this is Felix’s reaction. He’s so used to having to be on guard to keep Felix on track, he’s become an expert at catching things before they grow too big to interfere too much with his recovery. But Felix has got this, he knows how to avoid ending up where he was.
“And then I’m gonna eat it. The whole fucking thing.” Felix says, leaving no room for discussion, not that Hyunjin would ever try to stop him. No one will ever tell him what he can and can’t eat again. He’s gone too many years restricting himself, denying himself of what is human nature. He will eat what he wants when he wants. It’s simple logic.
“He shouldn’t have said that.” Hyunjin says, still jogging a little to try to keep up with Felix. His mind is on defusing the bomb he’s so used to seeing explode, Felix’s mind is on pizza. “Are you okay?”
Felix stops for a moment, turning to face Hyunjin. He points at his own chest with both hands. “Am I okay?” He says, pretending to think about it for a moment before continuing. “I’m great Hyunjin.” Hyunjin still looks unsure, Felix is aware that he’s acting a little erratic, but he’s just passionate.
“And I’m fucking starving.” Felix says as he turns and keeps marching to his favorite pizza place. Never again will anyone but him decide what he eats. No industry pressure, no stupid GPs, no voices in his head, not Hyunjin, not anyone but him.