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Hyunjin wakes up with a stuffy nose and itchy skin. It’s the first thing he’s aware of before the sound of his alarm clock filters in. He’s got his face buried in the pillow, comforter pulled up all the way to his ears and tucked in tightly, but the speed of which he untangles himself and gets out of bed is impressive.
When he wakes up with this feeling, he always hurries out of bed as if a few more minutes will make a difference when he’s slept in the sheets all night. Felix moans on his side of the bed, probably trying to mutter something about turning it off, but Hyunjin is standing frozen at the side of the bed.
It took three weeks for him to react to the fabric softener, that’s shorter than usual, but not the worst he’s had. It’s always a little nerve wracking to go to bed, knowing he could wake up with rashes and a stuffed-up nose in the morning, but usually it takes at least a month, so he didn’t expect it yet.
“What? Hyun-ie, turn it off.” Felix mumbles, half-asleep as he covers his head with the comforter, holding onto any little leftover of sleep he can. It isn’t too early in the morning, but they’re in the middle for recording a few songs, so they got in late last night. Felix looked exhausted; his eyes barely open by the time he cuddled into Hyunjin sometime in the AM.
Hyunjin shakes his head to snap himself out of it and turns off the alarm. Felix sighs in relief, moaning in what was probably going to be a ‘thank you’. Hyunjin takes a moment, assessing just how stuffy he is, can’t breathe through his nose at all and there’s pressure behind his face, and how itchy he is, it can be ignored although it’s hard. Then he starts to strip the bed to put the sheets in the wash and get out the fabric softener.
“Stop it.” Felix says, pulling the comforter from Hyunjin’s hands. Hyunjin looks at him with raised brows, he has to wash the sheets before he can sleep in them tonight, the reactions will only get worse if he waits. Felix is suddenly very awake, smiling sweetly at Hyunjin. “I’ll do it.”
“I can do it, Lix.” Hyunjin says, a little annoyed that Felix won’t let him do it. He might be a little irritable from feeling this shitty this early in the morning. Felix sits up in bed, taking Hyunjin’s hands in his own and stroking his fingers over the swollen, red skin there.
“You shouldn’t keep touching it, you dork.” Felix says and Hyunjin snorts a laugh, melting a little at Felix’s care. “Go take your meds and have a shower or something, I can do this.” Felix crawls to the edge of the bed, leaning up to give Hyunjin a kiss where he stands. Then he sits back and pushes Hyunjin’s chest lightly as if to say ‘go’.
And Hyunjin goes, a soft smile on his lips as he exits the bedroom, throwing one last glance over his shoulder to see Felix tiredly stripping the bed while yawning. While he’s in the shower, Felix comes in to put the sheets in the washing machine that sits in the corner. A moment later, Felix pulls the shower curtain back and steps into the shower. Hyunjin gapes at him, fully aware that at least some of the members he shares the dorm with is home.
“I’m just saving water.” Felix says and picks up Hyunjin’s shower gel, unscented and for sensitive skin. He’s so gentle as he spreads it on Hyunjin’s skin, taking great care so as not to irritate his skin any further. Hyunjin feels taken care of, melting into Felix’s touch while closing his eyes and allowing himself to relax. He knows he’s going to be okay; he just gets a little tense when he wakes up with an allergic reaction.
He almost falls asleep standing up, still tired from going to bed so late, when the water suddenly turns off and a soft towel is wrapped around his shoulders. Blinking his eyes open, he sees Felix chuckling at him and holding out a hand to help him out of the shower. Hyunjin takes it gratefully, not feeling fully awake and not trusting his own ability to not slip and fall on the wet shower floor.
Both of them dry themselves off and brush their teeth and hair, putting on skincare and clothes. They settle into a familiar rhythm, doing it together but separate with no pressure to fill the silence or acknowledge the other. If Hyunjin thinks too much about how comfortable they are with each other, his heart skips a beat in his chest, a dumb smile spreading on his face.
The hour of morning they have before they have to leave goes by quickly. Hyunjin has a quick breakfast consisting of some of the few things he can safely eat. He’s allergic to so many things, and he always has to be careful with the things he isn’t allergic to. He has a medical condition that causes him to have allergic reactions to virtually anything at any time if his body doesn’t like it that day.
What is on his ‘safe’ list and what is on his allergy list constantly changes. Like the fabric softener he loved yesterday and now can’t use anymore. After years of living with this, he’s used to suddenly not using things anymore, whether that’s cosmetics, fabrics, food, drinks, medications, literally anything he’s exposed to. That doesn’t mean that allergic reactions don’t scare him, he’s just used to it.
On days like today, when he wakes up with a reaction, he’s on edge all day, just praying nothing triggers anaphylaxis. He’s had enough of them for multiple lifetimes, and they’re traumatizing. He literally feels himself dying, and there’s always a fear he won’t get help in time.
Every member knows how to use an EpiPen, what to do to keep him safe while they wait for an ambulance and how to do CPR if that’s necessary. It’s never been an issue, they’ve always caught it and gotten help quickly, and Hyunjin feels safe with them. So the fear of dying from anaphylaxis isn’t as rational as he likes to tell himself, but that doesn’t make it any less real.
By the time they get to the studio, it’s a little easier to breathe through his nose and he isn’t as itchy, so clearly the extra antihistamines are doing something. Sometimes they help, sometimes they don’t, it seems to depend on the day. Often, he just has to wait it out, his regular high dose of antihistamines already doing what they can to fight the reaction.
3Racha are already in place at the studio, Hyunjin isn’t sure if they even came home last night. He stayed over at Felix’s dorm, but he has a feeling his own has been empty since he left in the afternoon. Judging by the sheer number of empty cans of energy drinks in the room, they did not sleep at home last night. Hopefully they had a few minutes on one of the couches at some point, staying up like that is really not good for them.
Hyunjin goes straight over to one of said couches, ready to nap while the others record their parts. He picks up a pillow as he lies down, cuddling it to his chest and closing his eyes. He’s so tired from not being able to breathe properly all morning and being so itchy takes so much energy. He doesn’t complain much about it, mostly because he prefers not to think about how exhausting it is to live with near constant allergic reactions.
Someone sits down at his feet and without opening his eyes, Hyunjin lifts his feet into their lap, stretching out a little more. He knows it’s Felix when his hands land on Hyunjin’s ankles, just resting there. Felix’s hands just feel different, having a calming effect on him.
“Tired?” Felix asks with a small laugh. Considering how hard it was for him to wake up this morning, he’s got to be tired too, he can’t judge Hyunjin for wanting to sneak in a nap.
“That obvious?” Hyunjin says sarcastically. He hugs the pillow tighter and moves a little to try to alleviate the pressure in his face. Allergy congestion is different than cold congestion, it feels more solid, like it’s his actual sinuses that are swollen and causing the pressure. No amount of nasal spray helps.
“How are you holding up?” Felix asks, the care in his voice so soft that Hyunjin melts a little at his care. Hyunjin feels better than this morning, he’s just tired, nothing a little sleep can’t help with.
“It’s getting better. I can breathe again.” Hyunjin says, taking an exaggerated breath through his nose to demonstrate. He’s still a little stuffy, so it makes kind of a mellowed whistling sound, but at least air is getting through. Felix laughs at him, probably finding Hyunjin’s dramatics amusing.
“Your skin looks better too.” Felix says, his hand stroking over Hyunjin’s bare calf. Hyunjin makes a sound in the back of his throat, too tired to come up with anything else. They settle into silence as the first member, Jeongin, goes into the recording booth, putting on his headphones and giving an adorable smile with two thumbs up.
Hyunjin listens to him do take after take, not even needing feedback from the others because he knows so well how he wants it to sound. He just tells them to do another, and another, and another, never happy with the result. They’re all perfectionists, there’s no hiding that.
He never falls asleep, just resting with his eyes closed, occasionally opening them to orient himself, but otherwise feeling comfortable in the half-sleep he floats around in. Jeongin finally finishes with reassurances from his hyungs that he did great, and Minho takes his place.
At this point, Hyunjin is rested enough to start getting restless. He sits up a little, gaining Felix’s attention. The younger beckons Hyunjin over and Hyunjin gratefully settles against his side, feeling how cool Felix’s skin is against his own. Hyunjin doesn’t have a fever, his skin is just still a little read and swollen with the reaction, making his skin warm but not itchy. He takes that as a win.
By the time it’s Felix’s turn to record, Hyunjin can’t sit still anymore. His body has had enough rest for today. He moves over to stand at Chan’s side, watching him work on the computer to get Felix’s parts ready to be recorded. Felix is doing some singing for this one, something he’s starting to get more comfortable with, but is still nervous about.
He didn’t have anything to worry about though, his voice is beautiful. Hyunjin loves it when he uses his deep voice for a few lines with an impact as much as anyone else, but there’s something so calming about his voice when he sings, it makes Hyunjin’s heart feel at peace.
“Oh my god!” Jisung suddenly exclaims, pointing at Hyunjin. For a moment Hyunjin wonders if he’s done something wrong, but Jisung is laughing. “Your face! You’re so in love, oh my god.” He says exaggeratedly, and suddenly everyone is looking at Hyunjin. Hyunjin wasn’t aware that he was looking at Felix in a particular way, but he will admit that he got lost in thought while watching him.
“Hyunjin loves Felix!” Changbin says, imitating Seungmin’s popular line. This is nothing out of the ordinary for them, just friendly teasing, but Hyunjin is on fire with embarrassment. He marches over to the couch, sitting down and hiding his face in his knees, wrapping his arms around his head just to be sure his red skin is blocked from view. Felix is still singing in the booth, completely unaware of what is going on out here.
“Hyunjin and Felix, sitting in a tree.” Seungmin starts chanting, waiting a beat before the room joins him for the next part. “K-I-S-S-I-N-G.” It’s humiliating, but Hyunjin is laughing so hard it hurts. Even Chan and Minho joined in on the chant.
Jisung and Changbin sit on either side of Hyunjin, sharing a look over his head before they start poking him in the ribs and squeezing his waist where they know it tickles the most. Hyunjin is a writhing mess between them, desperate to get away from the touch while laughing so hard he’s sweating.
“Hyunjin.” Chan calls and all three on the couch stop like they’ve been frozen, looking at Chan. “It’s your turn.” He says with a smile. Hyunjin is so relieved, he was starting to think he’d die at his member’s hands, he could barely breathe between the laughter. The laughter is still dying in his throat when he stands up, straightening his clothes and wiping at his eyes.
“What happened to you? Should I be jealous?” Felix asks in a teasing tone, suddenly right there. Hyunjin can’t help himself, he is a lovesick idiot, so he leans in for a kiss.
“Tickle fight.” He explains, hoping that covers why his clothes are rustled and a sheen of sweat covers his skin.
“Hyunjin and Felix, sitting in a tree.” Jisung starts chanting and Hyunjin shakes his head, feeling his cheeks heat up again. Only some of them chant K-I-S-S-I-N-G this time, Jisung, Seungmin and Changbin the only ones still keeping it up. Felix laughs, loving Hyunjin’s reaction as much as the others.
“Good luck with them.” Hyunjin says, clapping Felix on the shoulder before grabbing a drink from the mini fridge and entering the recording booth. He just has a couple of one-liners and a short rap, it shouldn’t take too long, unless you factor in the perfectionist in him. He puts on the headphones and cracks open the can of energy drink, taking a sip as he waits for Chan to be ready.
“You know what you’re doing right?” Chan’s voice comes through the headphones. From in here, he can’t hear anything that’s going on in the other room, but he can see them laughing and talking. It’s weird to be so detached from something happening so close, but Hyunjin is also grateful to get a break from how loud they are.
“Yeah.” Hyunjin says, pointing to the sheet of lyrics sitting in front of him. It’s already marked with who does what part, and they went through it a few times when deciding who gets what lines. “Whenever you’re ready.”
The music starts a moment later and Hyunjin takes another sip before putting down the can and waiting for his mark. When he starts rapping, he gets the ‘1-2-3-4’ down, then he immediately trips over his words, stepping away from the mike and poking his tongue out as if he just needs to stretch. He sometimes has trouble getting into rapping if he doesn’t warm up.
“Ready?” Chan asks and Hyunjin moves back to the mike, taking another sip of his drink and giving him a thumbs up. The music starts again and when his mark comes, Hyunjin stumbles over his words again. His mouth almost feels numb, like he’s been at the dentist, his tongue still a little numbed up. He moves his tongue around his mouth, probably looking like an idiot trying to wake it up.
“How about we do the one-liners first, warm up?” Chan suggests and Hyunjin nods in agreement. He has three other lines in the song, two of them the same lyrics that just need to be done a little differently to fit in.
“Yeah, I don’t know what’s happening.” Hyunjin says, frowning a little. He takes a few more sips of his drink, downing as much as he can stand before the bubbles makes teats spring to his eyes. Hopefully, he’s just tired, but a faint fear that it’s something else tugs at his gut.
“Don’t worry about it. I have your first line ready.” Chan says, and Hyunjin gives another thumbs up, taking one last sip before putting down his drink. It’s one line, six words, it shouldn’t be that hard.
But he can’t do it. When he opens his mouth to start rapping, there’s a weird numbness in his throat. He tries to swallow it down, but it only grows and suddenly he’s gasping for breath. His hand comes to his throat as he stretches his neck, trying to open his airways. His hands are trembling, nausea and dizziness hitting him as suddenly as his throat swelled up. He knows this feeling and it’s terrifying every time.
The others quickly notice what’s happening, Felix and Chan rushing to his side in the booth. Distantly, Hyunjin hears Chan telling someone to call the emergency number. Everything happens so fast after that. Hyunjin is laid down on his back the floor, head tilted back to open his airways and Felix is clumsily pulling off Hyunjin’s hoodie to release any pressure on his throat. He’s talking to Hyunjin the whole time, telling him that they’ve got him, to just focus on his breathing and everything will be okay.
He can’t promise that. Hyunjin feels like he’s dying. He’s coughing and wheezing, desperate to get air into his lungs. It can’t have been more than ten seconds, fifteen at most that has passed, but his lungs are burning, and his vision is whiting out, a loud ringing in his ears.
The sudden sharp stab of his EpiPen in his thigh is a stark contrast to the numbness spreading through him. Almost immediately, the tightness in his throat loosens a little and Hyunjin coughs, gasping in a breath. His airways are still constricted, but he can breathe now, bringing him back from the brink of passing out.
“There you go, just breathe for me, help will get here soon.” Felix says in a soft voice. Out of the corner of his eye, Hyunjin can see Minho entering the booth with a blanket, handing it to Felix before exiting again, there isn’t enough space for him to stay. Felix drapes it over Hyunjin to help with the shivering. His hand comes to Hyunjin’s chest, rubbing lightly to relax the muscle there so Hyunjin can breathe a little easier.
“You’re okay, I won’t let anything happen to you.” Felix says, but Hyunjin is still terrified. He feels tears slide down the sides of his face, disappearing into his hairline. All he can do is look up at Felix in a cry for help, he can’t talk, can’t move, paralyzed with fear. Because if help doesn’t get here fast enough, the effects of the EpiPen can start wearing off and while he can have two doses, that’s the limit. If the second one wears off and help doesn’t get here fast enough, he could die.
This has happened so many times at this point that the group have a routine. When the paramedics arrive, Felix joins him in the ambulance, Hyunjin needs him close in order to stay calm. Chan and Minho will come to the hospital in a separate car while the rest go home. It’s just another Tuesday, this is normal for them.
The paramedics have already been informed that he’s been given an EpiPen and what dose it is, so they don’t have to give him anything before they can transport him to the ambulance. Hyunjin tries to get up to walk there, he always does, but he isn’t allowed by the paramedics or Felix. He’s still wheezing and putting any extra strain on his body can cause his oxygen levels to drop dangerously low.
Once in the ambulance, the paramedics check his vitals, his pulse; too fast, blood pressure; too high, oxygen saturation; too low, respiration; too quick and temperature; normal. They don’t have to tell Hyunjin if his vitals are above or below normal, he’s done this so many times that he knows what they should be. An oxygen mask is placed on his face to help bring his saturation up and Hyunjin immediately feels some relief in his chest.
Hyunjin is laying on his back on the stretcher, head supported in a way that opens his airways, but he still can’t breathe. He’s panicking, his throat feeling constricted with fear, resisting when he swallows against the nausea building in his stomach. He keeps his eyes closed, overwhelmed with dizziness whenever he opens them.
The rocking of the driving does nothing for his nausea and soon he’s fighting a different fight, this one against his stomach. He frowns in discomfort, moving a little where he lies as if that will help the nausea. It’s normal for him to feel nauseous though, his body is just going through a lot and he’s panicking.
“Are you having trouble breathing again?” Felix asks, noticing his discomfort. Hyunjin shakes his head a little, his breathing is strained, but not because he physically can’t breathe. He’s just scared and nauseous and overwhelmed. Hyunjin’s body is weak, so he isn’t as surprised as he should be when he’s suddenly gagging, unaware of how close to throwing up he was.
“Shit.” Felix gasps out, lifting the oxygen mask off his face and holding a sickbag to his face while the paramedic turns Hyunjin onto his side. Felix holds the bag with one hand, the other hand keeping his long hair out of his face while he throws up. It’s a small thing in a situation like this, but just knowing that he won’t have vomit in his hair along with everything else is comforting.
His body hurts when he pitches forwards with each gag, protesting the movements. He feels like he can’t breathe between the heaves, adding to his anxiety. It hurts his throat too. It’s already sore from the coughing and wheezing earlier, feeling like it’s rubbed raw already and the stomach acid does nothing to help. Overall, it’s just a horrible experience he could do without.
He doesn’t always throw up when he has anaphylaxis, it depends on what he’s reacting to. Most of the time, throwing up means he’s reacting to something in his stomach, something he ate or drank. And because anaphylaxis is an immediate reaction, it has to be the energy drink. That thought is sad, he loved that drink. But like with everything else he’s loved, his body eventually turned on it.
The worst part is that the drink might not have been the real trigger. He could’ve just been tired and overheated from the laughing fit and that triggered a reaction to the drink. Even if the drink itself wasn’t the trigger, his body will now remember it as something he’s reacted to before, causing another reaction if he tries drinking it again.
When he relaxes back against the stretcher, still with his eyes closed, Felix gently wipes at his mouth and chin before the oxygen mask is put back in place. Hyunjin focuses on breathing, taking in as much air as he can in anticipation of losing the ability again. He’s tense with anxiety, probably adding to his symptoms with how scared he is, but he’s too tired and out of it to do much about it.
When Hyunjin wakes up, he’s on the couch of the dorm he shares with 3Racha. Looking around the living room, he sees Felix reading a book in one of the armchairs, sitting sideways in it so his legs are slug over one armrest, his back leaning on the other. He hasn’t noticed that Hyunjin is awake yet.
Hyunjin vaguely remembers arriving at the hospital, being given an IV for medications and Felix doing all the talking when a doctor came in. The IV is usually used for more epinephrin, fluids, antihistamines, and sometimes something to open his airways or steroids if the reaction calls for it. After the ambulance arrived at the studio, Hyunjin mostly remembers the fear, he was too out of it to pay attention to much else.
There are glimpses of what was going on here and there, most of it is forgotten like a fading dream, but the fear is still clear as day. The way his throat closed up, not allowing air to pass through is the most terrifying feeling. The knowledge that he will die if he’s ever alone and can’t get to his EpiPen is enough to have him in tears. All the emotion he was too sick to express coming out now that he has the energy for it.
“Hyun-ie, I didn’t see you were awake.” Felix says while jumping from the chair, coming over and helping Hyunjin sit up so he can cuddle into Felix’s side. Hyunjin doesn’t have to tell him that he’s scared and overwhelmed, he just knows. Hyunjin hides his face in Felix’s neck and cries, having no chance to stop it.
“I know that was scary, but you’re okay. I won’t let anything happen to you.” Felix says, hugging him closer. He’s rubbing Hyunjin’s neck with one hand, the other holding Hyunjin’s hand. “Do you want to know what happened?” He asks softly, knowing that a big part of Hyunjin’s emotion comes from not remembering clearly. It makes him anxious that he loses time, knowing he was awake, but not remembering what happened.
“You probably remember what happened at the studio, we saw you having a reaction and gave you an EpiPen and called an ambulance. When they got there, they pretty much just took you out to the ambulance right away because you could breathe better from the EpiPen.” Felix says, Hyunjin remembers this. He remembers how good Felix was with him, not that he ever isn’t.
“I told them that you have mast cell activation syndrome, they actually know what that is.” Felix says and Hyunjin is surprised. He’s so used to them having to explain to the professionals what his condition is and what it entails.
“In the ambulance, they gave you an oxygen mask, you threw up, but I think you were mostly stressed and carsick because you didn’t throw up again at the hospital. At the hospital, we talked to a doctor, I gave him your drink just in case it mattered, and they gave you meds. Epinephrine, antihistamines and fluids.” Felix explains and as he’s speaking, Hyunjin is able to put the vague memories he has in order and make sense of them.
“You didn’t need steroids or more treatment to breathe, but they kept the oxygen mask on you for a while. When you had finished the infusions and could go without the mask and your saturation didn’t drop, they kept you for observation for another hour or so before we got to take you home. That was two hours ago.” He finishes and Hyunjin feels a little better now that he knows what happened.
“I was so scared.” Hyunjin says, his voice weak as this is the first time he’s spoken. He says the same thing every time. Right after a reaction is the only time he really talks about it. If he were to talk about how scared he is all the time, it would give the impression that he doesn’t think about anything else, that he thinks this is all his life is about.
That’s not it at all, he’s pleased with his life, there’s just always an underlying knowledge that things can go from perfectly normal to dangerous in moments, like it did at the studio.
“I got you.” Felix simply says, it’s not a lot but it doesn’t have to be. Felix makes Hyunjin feel safe. As long as Felix is there with him, he will be okay.