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There were many things that those serving in the GAR accepted as universal truths. Simple facts that, no matter how drunk, no self-respecting vod would deny. Unfortunately, the GAR was full of Vode with no self-respect, self-preservation, or sense, and so the most important of the truths had to be written down.
- Rations have no discernible taste, no matter what the packaging says they're supposed to be flavored like.
- Never kick or otherwise obstruct the duties of the mouse droids, it will end badly for you.
- When on missions in smaller craft, bring a blanket. Space is fucking cold and no one is going to share with your stupid ass if you don't.
- Jedi are horrible at self-care and should not be trusted when they say they are 'fine.'
- When it comes to the Force, just roll with it. None of your superior officers understand what's going on either.
- Do not punch droids with your bare hands and/or roundhouse kick them and/or bite them. Yes, it will look cool, but the look on your CMO's face when you come in with a fractured hand/wrist/foot/ankle and/or burned mouth and broken teeth will make you wish the clanker had killed you.
- Addendum from 212th CMO 'Helix': If one more person breaks their fucking wrist punching a droid, I'm going to commit a felony.
- In conjunction with rule 6, the CC batch colloquially known as the 'Bitch Batch’, (Commanders Cody, Wolffe, Fox, Bly, Ponds, Monnk and Gree) while excellent soldiers, should not be seen as examples of sane behavior.
- If you are not a member of the 104th, you are not allowed to accept adoption requests from General Plo. Yes, he is nice and yes, we all want him to be our Buir but Commander Wolffe is territorial and General Ti is upset about him having 'a monopoly on children.'
- Do not give into the tooka eyes of any baby Jedi commanders. It never ends well.
- The garbage chute is not an appropriate place to hide from medbay. One should not be hiding from medbay in the first place.
- Yes, that cadet who just smiled at you is yours now. Welcome to parenthood and no, you can't escape.
- The esteemed Marshal Commander Cody is incapable of emoting in a normal fashion and unless you are a member of Ghost Company or Captain Rex of the 501st you are not to presume you have any understanding of what he's feeling at any given moment.
Universal truths, everybody knew them. Or, well, usually they were universal. Unfortunately for one Captain Rex of the 501st, the last rule on the list had been broken earlier and he was currently dealing with the consequences.
"So we all saw it, right?" Anakin asked the group. The 'group' being the 'Codywan Truth Seekers Club' he had just been forcefully indoctrinated into. He was honestly not surprised to see Wolffe here, though General Koon was a shock.
"Oh, we all saw it." General Vos said from his spot lounging across his seat. "The Marshal Commander said something, Obes laughed, and then the Commander-"
"Cody smiled! Cody doesn't know how to smile! I've never once seen him smile!" Wolffe interrupted. "They have to be fucking, there's no way in hell they aren't fucking."
Rex was surrounded by children.
"Though the Commander's language is crude, I feel the need to agree," General Koon said. "Master Kenobi is not one to laugh like that. In fact, he's rarely laughed since becoming a Padawan."
Anakin nodded. "Yeah, I thought there was something wrong with him for the first couple months. Turns out he just laughs by exhaling really hard like a psychopath, but it gets endearing after a while."
"So we're agreed, then? They're definitely fucking?" General Eerin said. Rex had no idea why laughing equals fucking, and he was honestly not paid enough to try and figure it out.
"If I say yes, will you all let me go back to my fucking job?" Groused Commander Fox from his spot as General Vos's chair. Several people opened their mouths to reply, but Rex managed to beat them to it.
"Have we considered the possibility that they're both grown adults and this is none of our business? Because this feels like an invasion of their privacy."
"Cody lost the right to privacy when he stole my pudding cup," Fox said. Rex had heard of the infamous pudding incident, and wasn't surprised to learn that even after 7 years the Guard Commander was still holding a grudge.
"I only participate because I like matchmaking," said General Koon. You know what? Fair. Rex had heard that General Koon's species lived for centuries and that the man was nearing 200. He'd be in everyone's business out of boredom and a wanton need for chaos if he had to deal with everyone's bullshit for that long too.
"We're Obes' siblings, it's our sacred duty to be all up in his business," Vos said while gesturing to himself and Eerin. "Besides, the theories Anakin comes up with are hilarious."
"Because they're right!"
"Whatever makes you sleep at night, kid."
Rex sighed. Was this what his life had come to? "Fine, fine, then what are you all planning to do about it?" They all fell silent at that, thinking. This did not comfort Rex, not even remotely.
Anakin opened his mouth. Manda help them all. "Okay, hear me out-"
"No."
"I haven't even told you my idea yet!" Anakin exclaimed, looking deeply offended.
"I said no," Fox repeated, looking like he really didn’t care. Good for him, Anakin had terrible ideas. Rex would know, he’s heard a lot of them.
"At least let me say it!"
The long suffering sigh of someone who dealt with idiots daily. "Fine, what's your idea?"
"We purposefully try to walk in on them to prove it beyond a shadow of a doubt."
Silence from the rest of the room.
"…it might work." The utter betrayal from General Eerin. Rex thought she was supposed to be the sane one. He sighed.
"Why are you all like this?"
"Who the fuck knows, but I agree with Skywalker!"
"You're a menace, Wolffe."
"Pot meet kettle, Foxy!"
"Hey! Only I'm allowed to call him Foxy!"
"The fuck you are, Vos!"
And the meeting descended into chaos from there, Rex moving to sit next to General Koon as the rest got pulled into an all-out brawl. He sighed again. Why did he always have to deal with this type of bullshit?
"You do realize they'll end up going through with young Skywalker’s plan, don't you?"
His existence was suffering. "I do."
An amused hum. He no longer had any respect for General Koon. "Our next meeting is in two weeks, if you'd like to attend. Witness the carnage and all that. Master Fisto should be back from the Outer Rim in time to attend."
He considered it. He had many many better things to do with his time, but… fuck it, why not. "Sure, I'll be there."
The Kel Dorian was definitely smiling beneath his mask. "Excellent, I shall see you then."
What had his life become?
They reconvened in two weeks and Kit Fisto was indeed present for this meeting, having just arrived for shore leave.
Anakin stood up from his seat, addressing everyone else in the room. "Alright, let's go around and share our attempts and how they went." He pointed at Master Koon. "Oldest first."
The Kel Dor chuckled. "If you insist, young Skywalker. I will admit to you that I did not try too hard, being as busy as I am with the Council and such. However, when tracking down Master Kenobi the other day -- I needed to discuss something with him -- I followed his Force Signature to the training salles. Upon drawing closer, I heard groans and panting and some slapping noises and figured I should investigate."
All the other club members, the degenerates they are, looked intrigued. Except for Fox -- back again as General Vos's chair -- who just looked bored out of his mind.
General Koon continued. "Anyway, so I went into the salle that the noise was coming from."
"And?" Anakin asked, impatient as usual.
"Come on, Plo! I'm on the edge of my seat!" General Fisto was indeed about to fall out of his chair, though that was most likely from his apparent inability to sit in it like a normal person. Maybe he and General Vos should start a club.
Rex could have sworn he felt General Koon grinning from the energy the man was giving off. "And they were sparring, as one would expect in the training salles. Hand to hand, to be specific."
Several people looked disappointed at that, except for Fox who opened his mouth to speak. "Who was winning?"
General Koon was definitely smiling. "Master Obi-Wan had Commander Cody pinned, if I recall."
There were mutters of 'serves the little shit right' from Fox as Anakin leaned forward to ask a question. "And that was it?"
General Koon nodded. "Yes, that was it."
A disappointed sigh from both him and the fish man. "Alright. Anyone else?"
A raised hand from Wolffe. "Yeah, I got a report. I was walking by Codes' office late at night when I heard Kenobi shouting 'there, right there'." Several people looked very interested at that. "Turns out they were trying to kill a spider." And the interest was gone. "That's all I got."
Anakin rested his chin on his hand. "Well, you tried. Anyone else see anything?"
"Oh I saw something, it just wasn't what I was expecting," General Vos stated. Anakin looked intrigued by this.
"Go on." Rex frowned. Vos's grin couldn’t mean anything good.
"Right, so it's late as hell and I'm walking by Obes' quarters as one does, right? And then I hear all this sexy groaning and moaning and 'oh right there, Cody, right there' so I'm like 'holy Force, I've caught them in the act, Anakin will owe me so many credits for this.'" Everyone appears to be on the edge of their seats, and Rex begins to wonder if there's something in the water making them all this stupid. To be safe, he's bullying Anakin into getting him a fancy water filter later. "So anyway, I open the door and shout 'ah ha! I knew you two were having sex!"
"For fuck’s sake Quin, really?"
Vos looked up at Fox, seeing as he was still laid across the man like he was a chaise lounge. "What? I thought it was reasonable at the time."
Fox rolled his eyes. "You're so fucking stupid, it's a miracle you can get your pants on right every morning."
"Well you sure seem to like--" A pillow hit Vos in the face.
"AND NO MORE OF THAT!" General Eerin said loudly, assumedly the pillow thrower. "I don't need to know what weird shit you two get up to."
"And how do you know it's weird, Banty?"
Rex didn't know Mon Cala could roll their eyes that hard. "Because you're you Quiny. Now get back to your story."
A heavy sigh as though his life was suffering. "Fiiiiinnnnneeeee, I'll get back to the story. Anyway, so I shouted that as I opened the door. And I was wrong. The assholes were both fully clothed, and it was just the Commander apparently giving Obes the greatest foot massage in the Republic."
Wolffe was the first to laugh, followed by Generals Eerin and Fisto who then proceeded to mercilessly tease Vos about being a dumbass. As he deserved.
"That's not the worst part though!" Vos whined, causing Fox to scrunch up his nose in displeasure. "Obes, the bitch, then looks at Commander Cody all innocent and says 'Cody darling, why didn't you tell me we were having sex? Why, I would have put my book away.' And then they both started laughing at me!"
"Quinlan, I mean this in the nicest way possible, but I think you're more of a disaster than Anakin." That garnered laughter from everyone else, and shouts of indignant denial from Rex's general. Why did he agree to come to this thing again?
Five more minutes of teasing, shouting denials and general stupidity later and it was General Eerin's turn to report their findings. She sighed sadly to start off, never a good sign. "Well, mine was similar to Quinlan's, just minus most of the stupidity. Strange and vaguely sexy noises, I go to check, turns out Obi-Wan is just helping the Commander with a shoulder injury."
Groans of disappointment all around. Maybe this was why he was here, watching them continually have all their hopes crushed was actually pretty amusing in Rex's opinion.
"Why is this so hard?" Anakin groaned. Or whined, depending on how charitable the one describing him was feeling. Rex had no mercy left in his heart, so Anakin was whining like a petulant child. "My plan was foolproof!"
"Yes, but was it Anakin proof?" Rex found himself mumbling. He seemed to go unheard by all except General Koon, who laughed quietly next to him.
"I mean, the same thing happened to me when I tried to find proof! Bunch of noises, I go into the kitchen to check, and it just ends up being both of them eating 'the greatest tingilaar in the galaxy, truly Anakin you must try some’," Anakin lamented.
Forlorn looks all around as the idiots considered the state of their affairs before a voice spoke from a suspiciously dark corner of the room. "Well I suppose, my dear, I should give you an A+ for how hard you tried."
When asked decades later what his greatest regret in life was, Captain Rex of the 501st Battalion would reply without hesitation that it was failing to take a holo of Anakin Skywalker's face when Obi-Wan Kenobi walked out of the shadows. Truly, the face of a man who thought his death was near. Rex managed to keep his composure for that, but laughter bubbled forth when Wolffe went white as a sheet as Cody walked out behind General Kenobi.
General Kenobi was giving the whole group his patent 'I'm disappointed in you all because I know you could have done better but actively chose not to' look, and Rex felt absolutely no pity as his eyes watered from the effort of not breaking down with raucous laughter. Then the General put his hands on his hips and Rex had to shove his hand in his mouth as he watched several grown ass adults refuse to look the man in the eyes like children who knew they were in trouble.
"I would ask what you all thought you were doing, but it's clear the majority of you haven't used your brains since you were crechlings." Damn, Rex needed to ask General Kenobi for tips on verbal evisceration, the man was a master at it. "Nevertheless, I will give you each a chance to explain yourselves."
"It was Skywalker's idea!"
"We all know I have bad ideas, so really it's their fault for enabling me!"
"I just got back yesterday so I don't think I can be blamed for this clusterfuck."
"I uh… wanted to supervise? Be the voice of reason?"
A hard look. "Try again, Bant."
The Mon Cala hung her head in shame. "I let Quinlan's stupidity infect me."
"Hey!"
A tired sigh. "I'll take it."
"Obes you motherfucker!" General Kenobi turned his full attention to Vos, who rapidly paled. "Uuhhh… Bant is right and I'm a terrible influence who should have never been allowed to babysit Anakin when he was younger and I'm sorry?" Fox looked so tired, like he was questioning all his life choices and regretting every single one of them. And honestly, if Rex had ended up in a position where he found Vos attractive he'd be doing the same.
"Well, at least you're self-aware." He turned to General Koon. "Master Plo, for shits and giggles I assume?"
The Kel Dorian chuckled deeply. "Why Master Obi-Wan, you know me so well!"
A snort of amusement and an eye roll from the Negotiator. "No, I just know how all Jedi Masters get after a certain age. Terrible gossips, the lot of you."
"Well, you're not wrong."
Cody stepped forward then, cutting off General Kenobi and General Koon's banter. "Fox, wanna explain yourself vod?"
A single raised eyebrow. "No. I don't."
Cody's eyes narrowed. "Fox."
"Cody, vod'ika, you'll get wrinkles if you keep frowning like that."
"I was decanted before you, you bastard!"
Fox idly checked his nails. "Really? Still trying to convince yourself of that?"
Twins. Fucking terrible when left to their own devices. Luckily, Anakin seemed to muster both of his brain cells at that moment and interrupted.
"Wait, why isn't Rex getting scolded?"
Rex rolled his eyes so hard he could see his brain. "Because I'm the one who told them about your hair-brained scheme, di'kut." The look of betrayal Anakin gave him almost made him regret it. Almost.
…
Oh who was he kidding it absolutely did not.
"Anakin, my dear, what I want to know is why you came up with this idea." General Kenobi should get an award, having to raise this man.
The 'Hero With No Fear' suddenly looked as frightened and skittish as a feral tooka. "Well… I wanted to figure out if you and Commander Cody were dating?"
"…and so this is the plan you came up with?"
"…yeeeesss?"
General Kenobi pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger, muttering something that Rex was sure sounded like 'Force give me strength.' After a moment of collecting himself, the man looked at his former Padawan again. "Anakin, you really should have just asked me. Yes, Cody and I are dating. However, your scheme wouldn't have worked as, somehow, in the 10 plus years I spent raising you, you never once figured out that I'm ace."
Awkward silence filled the room as everyone looked at Anakin like he was an idiot. Except Fox and Cody, who were glaring at each other like they were each plotting how to murder the other with their bare hands. So, how they normally looked at each other.
"…you're what?"
General Kenobi threw his arms up in defeat. "Oh for fucks sake! Anakin, I don't like sex. I don't like it, I’m utterly uninterested in it, so I don't do it! And really, you, Bant, and Quinlan should have known that!"
"I thought you were just having the galaxy's longest dry spell!"
"Quinlan Vos you have fucking worms for brains, you absolute imbecile! Bant, what's your excuse?"
"…erectile dysfunction?"
Rex was going to die. He was going to laugh so hard it would kill him, and none of the vod'e marching ahead would believe him when he tried to explain it. The noise General Kenobi made is the closest to a scream of rage Rex thought a human was capable of making with their mouth shut.
"Bant! How old am I?"
"…35."
"35! I am 35! Not 60, as you all seem to like assuming, but Thirty! Fucking! Five! Bant! When did you get your medical license?"
"…10 years ago."
"That's right. 10 whole years ago. What do you have to say for yourself?"
General Eerin looked thoroughly cowed, head hung low as she let out the most apologetic 'I'm sorry' Rex had ever heard. General Kenobi sighed again. "Thank you, Bant. Cody, do you have anything to say to your brothers regarding this mess?"
Cody stepped forward. "Yeah. Not to Wolffe, he's fucking stupid and I expected this from him-"
"Hey!"
"But really, Fox? You know damn well I'm also ace. You were there when I had the epiphany, you helped me figure out the word for it."
The way the Marshal Commander of the Coruscant Guard grinned, Rex suddenly understood why the man was named Fox. A sly bastard to the bone.
"Oh I know. I just thought it was funny."
Cody's eye twitched in a way Rex knew meant he was trying very hard not to lunge across the room and strangle his twin with his bare hands. He admired the man's restraint. "Oh? You thought it was funny?"
The sly grin only got worse. "Yes. And it was."
And Cody's restraint broke as he launched across the room, tackling Fox to the ground and kicking Vos in the face in the process. Deciding the fun was over and knowing better than to get between the two, Rex stood to leave.
"Captain Rex, a word if you wouldn't mind?"
He turned to look at General Kenobi who was seemingly unphased by the all-out brawl taking place behind him. "Yes, sir?"
"I just wanted to thank you for telling me about this… idiocy. I must admit, I had a great deal of fun tricking them all these past two weeks."
Rex smiled and gave a salute. "Anytime, sir. Anakin always benefits from having his ego knocked down a peg."
The General chuckled at that. "Yes, I suppose he does. You're a good influence on him, I think. I thank you for that."
This smile was more genuine. "Thank you, sir."
The General smiled back. "You're most welcome.”
A crash and scream from the direction of the brawl caused Rex to give one more quick salute before getting the hell out of there. He smiled to himself as he walked quickly in the direction of the barracks the 501st were using this leave. He’d need to fill Ahsoka in on the details soon. After all, they had a certain Skywalker to tease to the Outer Rim and back.