Work Text:
"Oi, whatcha workin on, Champ?" Dez asked, sidling up beside Wrecking Ball.
Hammond smiled at her, squeaking in response.
"He is documenting. We are creating an index of his recent programs." The Ball explained.
"What's an index?" Dez asked, furrowing her eyebrows.
Hammond frowned.
"An index, in this context, refers to a record. He records his work so he can utilize it again in the future."
"Huh. What's 'utilize' mean?"
"To take advantage of. It has a positive connotation."
"Ohh… what's a 'connotation'?"
Hammond gritted his teeth, trying his best to focus on the documentation to allow the Ball and its endless patience to handle the Queen's limited vocabulary. But it was hard. So so hard.
The Queen was strong, a leader, a fighter, brave and resilient, tactical, kind, she had every trait Hammond enjoyed in humans except… she wasn't smart. Academically smart. She knew everything she needed to to thrive in the Wasteland but absolutely nothing beyond that. Why?! Why didn't she know more? Humans have such great capacity to learn and discover, much greater than any hamster, genetically modified or otherwise. He couldn't stand seeing his favorite human be such a waste of potential.
"The hamster is agitated."
Hammond winced, glaring at the Ball as it called attention to him.
"Ooh, I know that word! What's got you upset, mate? M' I distractin you too much?" Dez asked, tilting her head towards him.
He hesitated. Technically she was, but it wasn't just because of her questioning, it was her entire existence, and she couldn't very well get rid of that. He shook his head.
"Good, I like chit-chattin with you! Wichya fancy words n all."
There it was again. Fancy words . He spoke just like everyone else! Or, well… the way everyone ought to speak.
"So what's buggin ya? If I can smash it, I'll do it for ya in a heartbeat!" She grinned at him, winking as she pounded a fist into her open palm.
Smashing things, breaking things, killing things, fighting things. It's like those were the only ways she knew how to solve anything! How did she live this way?!
Hammond squeaked angrily.
"He says: Doesn't it bother you that you know so little?"
"Hah?!" She slammed her fists against the surface in front of her, "What's that supposed to mean?! I know loads of stuff! Like— like, erm, how to kill things! Aha, and blow stuff up and burn it to the ground and stab and shoot and CHOP! What else is there to know?!"
Hammond dragged a paw across his face. She was just proving his point!
"Your battle prowess is not in question. He means academically."
Dez narrowed her eyes, leaning back as she folded her arms across her chest, "I dunno what prowess means but I'm gonna pretend like I'm guessin it right…"
"It means ability."
"...Yeah that's— that's what I guessed."
It definitely wasn't.
"But I think I get what you mean. You're askin me if it bothers me that I don't know all that science-y, english-y, tech-y, math-y stuff, yeah?"
Hammond nodded.
She shrugged, "Eh, not really."
He squeaked loudly.
"He says: why not?"
Dez looked at him curiously, "Hah? Why should it? How's any of that stuff s'posed to help me here?"
Why should it? Why should it?! What an absurd question! Of course it should bother her! Because… because a hamster knew more about all of those things than her! That should be embarrassing… right? The scientists on horizon always used him as a point of insult against each other.
'Ha! Even the hamster's a better programmer than you!' 'Watch out, Lucheng is about to replace you with a rodent!' 'At this rate Hammond's going to be called Doctor before you!'
He never cared if his knowledge and abilities made humans feel bad back then, he didn't like any of them enough for that. But here it was different, Dez was his friend, he did like her, and he didn't want to be better than her when it came to these things because it was insulting.
He squeaked, quietly this time.
"He says: because I am embarrassing you, and I do not want to."
Dez laughed, "Embarrassin me? I don't feel embarrassed, n besides that how would bein smart save me from embarrassment anyway?!"
Hammond frowned, his eyes glued to the floor. She just didn't get it! Somehow that felt worse, she was being insulted without even knowing it.
Dez hummed, "I think I get what you're tryin t'say. You think you're embarrassing me because you're smarter than me, is that it?!"
Hammond hesitated, he didn't want to agree, that seemed like the kind of thing that would be incredibly offensive to a human. But, well… she was the one that brought it up. He nodded once.
"Ha!" She threw her head back, laughing, "Alright Champ, let's get one thing straight, yeah? I like you because you're smarter than me, and for a lot of other reasons too, but that's one of the big ones. I've got LOADS of people workin under me that know more than me in that 'academic' nonsense." She threw up air quotes at the term, "Part of bein a good leader is knowin what your strong suits are, and if you've got a weak spot you need good people to fill that! I can't be everything. "
Hammond squeaked in protest.
"He says: but those people are humans, they are on your level. I am not."
Dez furrowed her eyebrows, frowning deeply, "Who told you that?"
Hammond rolled his eyes, squeaking.
"He says: I always knew I was a hamster, Dez."
"No not that! Who said you're not on 'my level'?! I'll kill the bastard! I've got you in my inner circles for a reason, you're the smartest thing alive in this town! And outside it too! Who cares if you're a hamster?!"
He stood still, eyes wide.
"The scientists did." Wrecking Ball supplied on his behalf.
Dez scoffed, "Those bigheads that lived in the sky with you? Please, that's anotha reason I'd rather stay 'not smart'! When you know a lot you think you're better than eeeeeveryone around you, you'll throw away a perfectly good champion just because he happens not to be a human alllll cuz you have some strange idea that being a human makes someone betta!"
She leaned forward, getting right to Hammonds eye level, "You're living proof that that's not true, Champ. How many humans have you beat in fights down here? How many things have you built better than humans have? How many of those human scientists didja show up? You're better than humans at almost everything you do! So no, it doesn't botha me that you're better than me in some things. I'm sure I can beat you in an arm wrestling match, right?"
Hammond nodded once.
"See? That's the stuff that matters to me, maybe if ya had bigga muscles than me I'd be a bit bothered, but I reckon I'd get over it fast enough." She gave him a pat on the head, messing up his fur. "You're a hamster, but you're a bunch of other things too, n I wouldn't have it any other way, you got that?"
Hammond smiled at her, tapping the hand on his head.
"He says: thank you."
"Aw, anytime Champ. I was just remindin you of things you already knew! I'll let you get back to your indexationing." She rose, patting the back of the Ball with a metallic clang.
"Goodbye."
Hammond watched her leave before turning back to his work. Perhaps he'd been wrong all along. The Queen didn't need to know all the stuff he did, she was plenty smart on her own.