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A year.
It’s been about a year.
Since the Nest. Since Riko
Since he failed to save Andrew.
Niel typically doesn’t pay attention to things like this. He knows days that he dreads like his birthday, but otherwise, dates and anniversaries aren’t something he keeps track of.
It is a bit hard, however, not to keep track of this time of year when he still dreams about the Nest. About Riko and his sickening smile as he carved into him.
He does his best not to think about it. Honestly, he thought he would be dead by now and didn’t picture having to deal with the repercussions of those few weeks.
He does his best not to think about it.
Call it a hero complex (Andrew) or whatever, but sometimes the worst part of that time is knowing that he failed to protect Andrew. That he failed.
He never knew if Andrew blamed him. He doesn’t think he does, but thinking back to that night in Nicky’s house, when Andrew asked him where his sense of responsibility; ruins him sometimes.
When he thinks back to his time in the Nest, he thinks about Andrew or Kevin a lot.
Andrew because while he was away, supposed to be getting better, he was getting hurt over and over and over. Because of Neil.
Kevin is a different story. Neil knew that Kevin spent all of his life with Riko. That Kevin got dealt the shittest hand of life and still was so strong yet so weak. When Neil got held down or restricted, he thought about how Kevin would probably have endured this treatment every day and still came out on top.
Neil would never say it aloud, but sometimes he envied Kevin's resistance when he wasn’t cowering under Riko’s gaze.
When Riko died, Neil felt glee for a short time, but that quickly went away when all of the memories that the bastard inflicted never disappeared.
Sometimes he thinks he sees someone with the number 1 tattooed on their cheek. Sometimes he thinks he sees a man wielding a clever out of the corner of his eye.
It isn’t like Riko is haunting him. Not like Kevin. He just thinks that his mind is having a hard time catching up to him.
Because he is fine.
—-----
Sometimes Neil can’t get a read on Andrew. Although he is the one that can probably read him best on the team, sometimes he’s a little lost. He grew up being told to stay away from others and not make friends. He learned how to tell when a man was angry, but other feelings? He can be a bit lost sometimes.
Andrew told him they shouldn’t be in the same bed for a couple of days
Neil could understand that. Sometimes when Andrew’s nightmares got bad, Andrew physically reacted in his sleep, with punches, kicks, or any other resistance someone could think of.
But it came to a head when Andrew almost broke Neil's nose.
—-----
Neil woke up to thrashing. This wasn’t new and he knew that he should back away from Andrew when he was dreaming. No touching either.
So Neil sat up and sat beside Andrew while he dreamt.
He hated this.
He wanted to be able to help his nothing when he was suffering. But he also knew that Andrew would never confess to these things. He would drop truths of what he has been through, but when it came down to it, Neil could never help Andrew.
Neil looked over to Andrew as he noticed that he was calming down. His erratic movements were slowing and he wasn’t twisting and turning like prior.
Neil smiled a bit and started to slowly move himself down into a laying position. All nightmares didn’t need waking from, and Neil is glad that they seemed to at least stop in Andrew’s mind.
As he was lowering himself, Neil saw a quick movement and didn’t so much as blink before his nose exploded in pain. Out of instinct, he threw himself out of the bed and looked towards where the assault would’ve come from as his hand came to his nose.
He saw Andrew, panting heavily and staring at him in what could be interpreted as surprise.
Neil felt a tiny smidge of relief that it wasn’t an intruder. That relief didn’t last long when Andrew quickly got off the bed and started to walk towards the door.
Neil stood and made his way to follow as he felt blood start rushing out of his nose with the sudden movement.
“Andrew. Andrew where are you going?” Neil questioned as he made a reach for Andrew’s elbow but quickly pulled away when he saw Andrew flinch just before he made contact.
No touching. Right.
“Out.” Andrew’s short reply had Neil rolling his eyes.
“Really? I wouldn’t have guessed. Out where? Are you okay?” As soon as the last question came out of his mouth, Andrew turned to him with an irritated look on his face.
“Why are you- Nevermind. You’re bleeding out on the carpet junkie, can’t imagine Kevin would be too pleased so go clean that up.” Andrew turned again and opened the door, walking out. Neil sighed and turned towards the bathroom. He knew when to leave Andrew to himself for a short time. Plus all the blood getting on his hand was getting annoying…
He’ll talk to Andrew later.
—-----
When he talked to Andrew later he told him that maybe he and Neil shouldn’t sleep in the same bed. Neil said okay. He never wanted to push Andrew’s boundaries and would agree to whatever Andrew asked of him.
But, and this may sound selfish, he needed Andrew.
Being around Andrew make’s him feel whole. He doesn’t forget what happened or magically feel better, but Andrew always is there, even if Andrew himself doesn't know it.
So when Andrew didn’t really avoid him but definitely wasn’t around like he used to be, Neil noticed. Then a couple of days later, Neil suddenly started to remember Riko more than usual.
Then everything spiraled.
He didn’t let it show. Didn't let it affect his play because he is going to be captain and dammit if he lets his own feelings get in the way of playing then he’s no use as an exy player.
If anything, he gets more into the game. Losing himself in the game until all he can think of is the ball and his racquet.
He doesn’t focus on Andrew or Riko or his father. He can’t because if he does then he will remember. He will lose focus on the game, the thing that got him this family in the first place.
So he throws himself into it.
After classes and homework? Exy. When he can’t sleep because nightmares are overtaking his sleep? Exy or running.
After doing so, he will come back to his room and either sleep for a few hours or finish classwork if he feels like he can’t sleep.
He sees Andrew here and there. They’ll exchange heated makeout sessions where it feels like Andrew is trying to get out any frustrations in one kiss. They talk but not as much as they used to.
Andrew will call him a junkie and Neil will tease right back.
It just feels, weird.
But maybe it’s just him. Everything feels weird now. Everything but Exy. Because that’s what he’s good for. It’s why he has good people in his life. He needs to succeed. He doesn’t need to be the best, but he needs to succeed.
Because he could never succeed with anything else.
Andrew.
Running.
His mother.
He never succeeded enough for Riko.
—-----
He saw Jean while he was running.
He pulled his hood up and ran the other way.
—-----
He saw a picture of Riko on T.V. while he and Matt were doing work.
He heard the name of the old captain and turned just in time to see the face of someone he never wanted to see again. He stared at the picture and just remembered. He remembered handcuffs, a tattoo gun, a smile that had an absurd amount of pleasure in it, practices that-
“Neil!” Neil shot back from Matt’s face that was now right in front of him, covering the screen that had now been turned off.
“Hey, buddy… you with me?” Matt asked carefully. Neil felt himself nod and tried to give a smile
“Yeah sorry, I just- zoned out. I guess.” Matt looked at him with a weary smile and nodded. He slowly go up from his squatted position in front of Neil and moved back to his chair. He gave Neil a look.
“Neil, you know that I’m here for you right? Whether it be school work or just something that's eating you inside, you can talk to me.”
Oh, how Neil adored Matt.
“Thank you Matt but, I’m fine.” Neil smiled before going back to the textbook and papers in front of him. He saw Matt frown but he just continued to focus on his work.
—-----
Neil should know better than to ask questions.
After years on the run, it was beaten into him by his mother that no one, but especially him, should not be asking questions unless it’s about his own safety.
But he thinks he’s safe now, so shouldn’t questions be okay?
Evidently not.
Andrew had pushed him against the wall and they were kissing. Andrews's hands curled in the collar of his shirt and Neils's hands kept to his sides.
For the two weeks, since they’ve stopped sleeping in the same bed, Neil missed Andrew. He missed how they could just be in each other's presence without hungry kisses or hands shoved down each other's pants. He missed the moments with Andrew that were quiet.
He loved kissing Andrew don’t get him wrong, he just wants to feel more like something rather than nothing.
Maybe he’s selfish.
When one of Andrews's hands moved towards his face, where that fucking four was, Neil pulled away. Andrew looked at him funny.
“What?” Neil looked away before facing Andrew again.
“Do you regret it?” Neil didn’t know which event he specifically was talking about.
When Neil ruined his life again with his failure of protection. When he kissed him for the first time. When he said they shouldn’t sleep in the same bed.
“Regret what? You know I’m not a mind reader.”
Neil thought about it for a moment before settling on an answer
“Us.” Maybe he was too much. Maybe he wasn’t enough because he was never enough for Riko. He didn’t know the sudden urge to ask.
Andrew pulled farther away
“There is no ‘us’ junkie.” Neil laughed. What did he expect? Of course, there isn’t. He’s nothing. Nothing except a number.
Neil nodded and continued to kiss Andrew anyway.
—-----
Later that night, Kevin and Neil were at the court. At least Kevin could understand the need for Exy.
Maybe Neil was being a bit aggressive. But who cared? More aggressive could show his potential and the more potential he showed, the less of a punishment.
Kevin watched in the background, occasionally giving comments but Neil didn’t hear them. His only focus was the goal. That’s all that mattered. He needed to be better.
This went on for maybe about five minutes before Kevin got fed up. He yanked Neil back by his jersey while he was running and glared at him.
“Why are you not paying attention?” Neil huffed and shook Kevin’s hand off.
“I am. I’ve done the drills like I’ve been taught so what’s the issue?” Kevin shook his head
“No, you aren’t. The movement is different from what I’ve taught you. You’re moving different and you aren’t even acknowledging me despite us practicing together. Get your head straight or go home.” Neil scoffed and smirked
“Just because you didn’t teach me like this doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Seems like it’s working well if you ask me. Plus Kevin, I know you have all those people that adore you, but I am definitely not trying to be you step by step.” Kevin clenched his jaw and Neil knew he pissed the taller man off. To be fair, he wasn’t trying to.
“Why are you such a fucking smartass-”
“Careful Kev that’s a big word.”
“Shut up!”
Neil turned and walked to the other side of the field and started to prepare to run drills again. Ignoring how Kevin practically had steam coming out of his ears.
—-----
The next day, Neil felt like particular shit.
He got no sleep and was running for about two hours after he woke up feeling like his mouth was being cut open.
He didn’t get more than 6 hours of sleep between the two days before and with school work and Exy, he hasn’t been exactly eating as he should.
He remembered the hunger he felt in the nest. Not just for food, but for the pain to be over with.
It has been three weeks since he and Andrew have slept together and two weeks since a year has passed.
He felt hopeless and weak. He needed control of something and because of his talent in school and Exy, he thought that control would be enough to stave off the memories. But he was wrong and now he felt like he could barely function.
During one of his breaks, he went to the library to attempt some work. A little while into it, Andrew came and sat across from him. Not saying anything but just sitting there and Neil felt himself breathe a little.
No words were exchanged but he and Andrew never needed words.
They stayed like that until Neil had to go to his next class. As he was packing up, Andrew spoke first.
“You look like shit.” Neil’s head shot up and he contemplated saying something, anything, about the heavy feelings he’s been having. He promised to be honest with Andrew. But he looked at Andrew straight on. Saw circles that were a little more pronounced under his eyes than before.
He chose a teasing smirk instead.
“I didn’t know I was a mirror, Andrew.”
Andrew’s frown deepened as Neil started to walk away.
—-----
Neil is 99% sure that Kevin is still mad at him. Usually, he doesn’t mind bickering with the man, but today he just couldn’t. Nothing felt real, even on the court.
Neil doesn’t think he’s being sloppy but Kevin is yelling at him as he used to and he can see Matt sending him questioning looks. He doesn’t dare look at Andrew.
It’s in the middle of practice when he and Kevin really get into it.
“Why are you still here if you can’t play right?!” Neil scoffed
“Right? Your definition of right is how you play Kevin and just because I’m not doing that means it’s wrong!”
“No! You aren’t playing like you always do! Are you going to take this seriously or not?” Neil would’ve laughed if that last sentence didn’t stick in his memory when Riko said the same words, staring down at him on the court floor.
He shook his head to try to get the memory away before looking up at Kevin again.
“I am taking this seriously! I don’t see anyone questioning me except you so maybe it isn’t a me problem! I have put my all into this fucking sport and don’t pretend for a moment you don’t see it Day!” Kevin snarled and raised his racquet.
Neil should know that Kevin would only either put it on his shoulder or throw it to the ground in frustration.
Should being the keyword.
Neil didn’t mean to. He really didn’t. Because doing so meant showing the Foxes, his family, how weak he really was.
But he did it nonetheless.
Once he saw Kevin raising his racquet, he saw him. So he flinched back.
He saw Matt, who was approaching, pause. As if wondering what to do next.
He saw Kevin freeze and look at him like he was a ghost. Dropping his racquet and taking a few steps back as if Neil just told him his dog died.
Neil didn’t take his eyes off of Kevin, but he felt a hand on his elbow and saw Matt, looking at him sadly.
“Hey. Let’s get off the court for a second yeah?” Neil just seemed to stare through Matt but still nodded. Letting Matt take him to the locker rooms.
He didn’t see the 5’0 goalie following them after he sent a glare to the rest of the team, warning them against following.
—-----
Neil sat down on one of the benches and Matt sat next to him.
Matt noticed blonde hair next to the doorway but didn’t say anything.
“Neil, what happened?” Matt tried to sound a bit stern but ended up asking softly, like he was trying to get a child to stop crying.
Neil stayed looking at the floor like he didn't hear him. Matt hesitated, looking toward Andrew before standing up and squatting in front of Neil.
“Okay, Andrew is here okay? If you need anything I’ll be on the field. Just remember that we love you. Even Kevin. I promise.” With that, Matt stood up and walked out the door, but not before whispering to Andrew.
“Take care of him, please.” Andrew didn’t look at him
“You don’t tell me what to do.”
Matt smiled and left the two alone.
Andrew walked towards Neil before squatting infront of him like Matt.
“Hey, Junkie. Are you with me?” Neil didn’t respond besides turning his gaze from the floor to Andrew. Andrew counted that as something.
“What happened out there? You’ve never backed away from Kevin like that before, you always fight him head-on like the maniac you are.”
Neil just shrugged before looking down at his hands.
“You do know. You’re running away from it and I thought you said you won’t run from me.” Neil startled up at that and looked a bit guilty. He hesitated before looking down and speaking.
“He just- I don’t know. The words. The way he stood and moved his racquet. My mind thought it was him” Neil didn’t want to look but he saw Andrew tense the slightest bit.
“This never happened before. Is it bad today?”
“Bad every day.”
“Meaning?”
“He’s always there. Standing over me. I can’t do anything without hearing him.”
Neil didn’t know if it was the lack of having Andrew around, or that he felt like he would break down any minute, but he needed to get this out.
Andrew moved his face into Neil’s eyesight and stared at him before sighing.
“Yes or no?”
“What?”
“Yes or no junkie?”
Neil didn’t have to think
“Yes.”
He expected a harsh kiss. Something to try and make him forget.
He didn’t expect arms covered with armbands to go around his body in a hug.
“Why did you never say anything?” Andrew asked it like he was scolding Neil
Neil had to get a few moments to get over the fact he was being hugged. But also he had to think carefully about his answer.
“After- After a few weeks ago, I didn’t know how to bring it up to you. I didn’t want to bother you when you were clearly struggling. And-”
Neil swallowed
“And I didn’t want to break our nothing with stupid persistent dreams or issues.”
Andrew pulled away like Neil was on fire and Neil found himself quickly missing the warmth.
Andrew sighed and shook his head then looked back at Neil
“Junkie, you are by far the stupidest person I’ve ever met.”
“We’ve establi-”
“I’m not done. I don’t care if god himself was coming to Earth. You told me you would stop running from me. This? Is running, so listen to me. Never run from me again.” Andrew’s hand made its way into his hair
“I said I would protect you did I not? I also said that no one wants your heroic act, so stop it. I will protect you but you have to let me. No. More. Running.”
Neil risked a glance at Andrew and his breath was taken away. Andrew looked at him like he was the only thing that mattered right now. His face was serious and clearly, Andrew meant what he said.
“Yes or no?” Neil immediately nodded his head, not feeling ready to talk quite yet.
Andrew seemingly understood and nodded. He grabbed Neil's face and kissed him.
Gently. Softly.
Neil felt tears building and then falling as he kissed back. Andrew wiped his tears with his hand and brought Neil into another hug.
Neil promptly broke down.
—-----
Later that night, in the bed next to Andrew, Neil didn’t feel amazingly better. He was a bit better but the bitterness still remained.
But it’s okay because, for once,
He is done running.