Archive of Our Own

Dear Wille

I held you as you died yesterday. I lay with you on your bed. I held you and I sang for you. We were all there for you. Your mum and dad and me. 

You wanted to go but we held onto you. Selfishly so. Because how were we supposed to live without you? How were we supposed to say goodbye? How could we let you go forever? How could we say farewell when it meant for all eternity?

We let you go and you took your last breath. 
I held you the whole time.You never woke up but I kept talking to you. I kept holding your hand.  I hope you are not in pain anymore my love. I hope you are in a better place. I hope you found peace. 

I left the hospital a few hours later. Your parents wanted me to come with them but I said no. Mum wanted me to go home to Bjärstad but I didn't. I went home instead. To our home. Ayub offered to come with me. Sara did too. I told them no. 

The apartment was so quiet without you. The bed so empty as I lay down on your side, wrapped in your favourite blanket, dressed in your clothes. 

And today I woke up without you and I realised that everyday from now on will be without you 

Wille,  I have no idea how I'm going to do this. Please tell me. What am I suppose to do?

~

Dear Wille

It's been a week since I found you. It's been five days since you died. How can it be five days? 

My heart is shattered. My heart is broken beyond repair. I can't breathe. I can't think. My whole life has stopped. I'm falling. I'm crashing to the ground. I'm in tiny pieces. 

~

Dear Wille

I miss you so much. I love you so much. 

~

Dear Wille

I read your letter again and my heart is broken all over again. I miss you, I love you. 

~

Dear Wille

It's so unfair. I'm so angry that this happened to us. Why did you have to do this? I'm so angry with you. I'm furious. Fuck you Wille. I hate you for doing this to me. To us. How could you leave me? How could you just give up? I hate you. 

~

Dear Wille

I'm so sorry. I don't hate you. I love you. I love you so so much. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. I'm sorry I didn't realise how much pain you were in. You never let anyone know. I wish you had. I wish you had told me. 

You fought so hard. You were so brave. You were strong. And I'll never forgive myself for letting you down. 

Dear Wille

~

My sweet, beloved Wille. We buried you today. That means that I've lived without you for three weeks. How is it possible that so little time has passed when every minute without you feels like an eternity? How is it possible that it's already been three weeks?

We buried you in Slottskyrkan. I tried to make it the way you wanted. I picked that song you liked so much. I wanted to sing it for you but I couldn't do it. I wanted to read you a poem but Felice had to do it instead. 

My beloved Wille, how am I supposed to live without you? I can't even imagine my days without you. I don't want to think about a life where you're not in it. 

~

Dear Wille

I miss you so much. I love you. I can't breathe without you. I don't know how to live without you. 

~

Dear Wille

Mum forced me to a therapist. I would just stay in bed and refuse to leave. I wouldn't eat. She got scared and called a therapist right away. 

I've now been to two sessions. I'm not sure how it's supposed to help. 

I don't know how everyone expects me to be able to move on.

I go just to make mum less worried and Sara stop calling me.

~

Dear Wille

I visited your grave today for the first time. I'm sorry I didn't do it sooner. I just couldn't do it.

The graveyard was so beautiful tonight with all the candles and flowers. Your parents had alreadly been 

there but I wanted to be alone with you. I love you. 

~

Dear Wille 

I've been in therapy for two months now and it's been four months since you died. I stilk live in our apartment. Mum wanted me to move back especially before I started therapy but it feels right being home. It's Christmas soon. Another first. Another thing I have to live through without you. I'm still learning to live my everyday life without you.

I'm going to Bjärstad for the holidays. I'm dreading it already. It's going to be one of the hardest days of my life.

~

Dear Wille

It's Christmas Eve. I had to force myself out of bed. Every part of me screamed how wrong this is. I shouldn't be doing this alone. What's there even to celebrate?

Mum and Sara have been very gentle with me. I can tell they are worried. I'm not sure I have the energy to put on a wall for them. Not today.

Merry Christmas, baby. I love you with all my heart.

~

Dear Wille 

Happy New Year. I love you. 

~

Dear Wille

It's been a few weeks since I wrote to you. I'm still in therapy every week. My therapist says I'm making great progress. It doesn’t feel like that though.

Sometimes I forget you are dead and expect you to come home for dinner. Sometimes I wake up in the morning ans expect you to lie next to me on the bed. 

I'm angry at you sometimes. I write angry letters but then I force myself to throw them away. Then I tell myself that it wasn't your fault. 

I tell myself that you are in a better place and that you are with Erik. That he's looking after you know and that you are not in pain.

I'm in pain every second of every day. I wish I could go back to that day.

My therapist says I need to stop blaming myself but how can I not? I was supposed to look after you and I failed. 

I'm so sorry, baby. I'm so sorry.

~

Dear Wille

It's your birthday today. Happy birthday sweetheart. I'm going to keep myself busy today. I know it will hurt too much if I don't. Ayub and Rosh will be here soon to pick me up. Later we'll also meet a couple of other friends. If the weather is nice we'll go to a nice restaurant.

Deep down I know things will crash once I get home. It's your birthday today but you won't get one year older. It's just another day without you. Another day of memories. Another day of missing you.

This year I'll be older than you. 

~

Dear Wille

We started your foundation today. The Wille foundation. I've worked so hard on it. I hope you are proud. I've donated half of my heritage. Your parents donated even more.

Lots of people have donated already and it makes my heart swell. We are planning a charity concert later this summer. Lot's of artists will participate. 

I want to keep your memory alive forever and I want your death to mean something. I want something good to come out of it and not just endless darkness.

I know you wouldn't want that. I know you would have wanted to help people. So that's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to keep your memory alive and I'm going to help people. 

~

Dear Wille

I finally cleared out some of your stuff today. I've not been able to before. The mere thought of getting rid of them have been too much. I spent hours in your closet. I sat on the floor trying to go through your clothes. 

I found your old Hillerska hoodie and cried for an hour. It still smelled like you. 

~

Dear Wille

My love. It's our wedding anniversary today. We're supposed to celebrate our love but instead I'm lying here on our bed hugging your t-shirt trying to get even the slightest bit of your scent.

Today is our wedding anniversary and instead of celebrating with you I'm here all alone. I even watched our wedding video but had to stop only a few minutes in. It hurt too much. Maybe someday I'll be able to watch it again but not today.

I placed some new flowers on your grave. Mum asked of I wanted her to come with me. As did Sara. I said I wanted to go alone. 

I sat with you for a long time. It was such a beautiful day. Warm and sunny, the trees just turning green. It made me think about our wedding day. How happy I was to spend the rest of my life with you. Now I'm a widow. 

~

Dear Wille

It's been a whole year. You are still the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep.

I can't believe it's been a year. I can't believe I've had to live without you for a year.

We held a memorial for you today. I didn't think your parents would have wanted me there but they did. 

I sang your song. The one you loved so much. And I read you a poem. Your mum held a beautiful speech. There was a sea of flowers on the courtyard in front of the castle and hundreds of candles lit up the place as the sun set. 

You never thought people would care about you. You never thought the Swedish population would ever love you. You thought you could never be good enough but you are and you were. 

We love you Wille. We all do. And we miss you. I write this from the porch of Felice’s and Noah'd house. We've all gathered here. Felice has lit her own candles by the beach. They are so beautiful as they shine into the water. We released lanterns in the air. If I look up in the sky I can still see one of them. 

The stars are out and it's so beautiful. 

Remember when you taught me all about the constellations? I do. Every time I look up at the sky. 

I love you Wille. And I miss you so much.

~

Dear Wille 

I'm sorry I don't write as often anymore. It's not because I don't think about you. It's not because I've stopped remembering you.

I still think about you every day. Some days are easier. Some days it feels like I can barely make it. I dream about you sometimes. Those days are extra hard to wake up to. Because for just a second I think you are alive just like in the dream and I wish I could just go back to the dream to keep you for just a little longer.

When people mention your name I no longer feel like I'm getting crushed. I can say your name without my chest caving in. I can think about you without it hurting. But only sometimes.

It still feels unfair that our time was so short. That we got so little time together when I have so long to live.

~

Dear Wille 

It's been over two years now. I don't know where time went. It feels like an eternity and it feels like its been only a day or two 

People tell me I need to move on. That it's okay if I move on. That I'm too young to not find love again. But Wille, I don't want to let you down. It feels like I'll let you down. I'm scared I might forget you even. 

Sara said that's not true. She said you'd want me to be happy. You'd want me to move on and I know she's right. I know you only want happiness for me.

I still wear my wedding ring and I have yours kept in my drawer. I look at it sometimes. 
Everyone wants me to remove mine. They think it's time. Sara said I had to. 

I can't though. I'm not ready.

I spoke to your dad the other day. It was nice. We don't see eachother much anymore. I'm still part of your foundation but we rarely see each other since they are away so much. But it's your birthday soon and they wanted to make some grand donations in your name.

You'd be so proud of it. I am proud of it. Even if I wish you were here to see it.

~

Dear Wille

I'm sometimes scares I'll forget about you. Even if every day gets easier and easier I still sacred one day I'll forget. I'm scared I'll forget the sound of your laugh. It's stupid because I can just find a video of you and hear it again. 

Sometimes I do. 

~

Dear Wille

It's been five years. I rarely write to you anymore but I still think about you every single day. There are so many things that remind me of you. Little reminders of our life together. Of your laugh or your smile. Of your humour. Of the good and the bad. Mostly the good though. I still miss you sometimes, especially around your birthday. And today. 

~

Dear Wille

You've now been dead longer than I knew you. I've now been without you longer than I was with you.

I no longer think about you daily. But when I do I think of all the happy memories. I think about the love you gave me. I think about the times we shared. And when I do my chest feels warm and full. 

I've learned to live without you now. My days are no longer endless darkness. They've not been for a long time now. 

I'm actually quite happy. I'm in love again. And I'm going to be a dad. 

Thank you for all you gave me. Thank you for all our memories. Thank you for letting me part of your life even if it was just for a little while. I'll always be grateful for the time we had. I'll always remember you.

I'll always love you.