Work Text:
April 16th,
260 days before.
"Where were you?"
Dazais eyes slipped closed as a sigh escaped him, pushing the door closed before turning to face the man infront of him.
"I was out."
Mori eyed him up and down, face contorting into something unpleasant. "With that man again?"
Dazai stilled, the cigarette pack in his pocket a heavy reminder of why he kept Oda around. Of why he needed him around. He knew it was so much more than that, deep down. Knew all he really wanted was a father who cared. Who didn't hurt him
"So what if I was?"
Mori didn’t respond, sighing as he turned to leave, flipping the hall light off as he left. "It'd be best if you went to bed, Osamu."
Dazai swallowed, watching the man leave before exhaling sharply, making his way up the stairs and out of sight.
"Yeah. Sure, Dad."
--
--
July 10th,
175 days before.
Dazai watched as Chuuya threw yet another one of his cigarettes off the roof, a scowl etched onto his features.
"That's my fucking money you're throwing out, asshole."
Chuuya paid him no mind.
It was infuriating.
It was suffocating.
Dazai almost wanted to cry.
"Why aren't you fucking listening to me???"
Chuuya paused at that, throwing Dazai an almost pitiful glance.
"I have you up on full blast, Dazai. I don't like the things I hear."
Dazai stiffened, jaw clenching down on his cheek as he watched Chuuya throw the rest of the pack down. He felt like dying.
"Fuck you."
--
--
September 4th,
119 days before.
A knock on the door snapped Dazai out of his thoughts, tearing his eyes away from the papers infront of him to stare at the door. He wondered who it could be. If Mori had finally come to punish Dazai for whatever he had done wrong this time, if it was Chuuya come to yell at him some more for whatever shitty thing he had done, if it was Fyodor come to take him away.
He paused at that, head tilting in surprise. Fyodor never came to his house. It was a bit of an unspoken rule. If Fyodor wasn't allowed to taint Dazai with his home, his life, his touch, then Dazai wasn't allowed to taint Fyodor either.
"Dazai?"
The intruder knocked again, pulling Dazai's thoughts out from under him once more.
"It's Chuuya."
Ah. Of course.
Bitterness flooded through Dazai's system before he could stop it, pressure bubbling up and forming a lump in his throat. Why did he feel this way?
"Can I come in?"
Dazai closed his eyes, falling onto his back as he sprawled out on his bed, crumpling papers underneath his legs.
Chuuya seemed to take the noise as an invitation, easing the door open and slipping into the room, not even questioning the pile of objects acting as a barricade. Or, well, were acting as one, before Chuuya pushed them away.
Dazai peeked over at Chuuya, pushing himself into a sitting position after a moment of uncomfortable silence.
"Come to fuck me?"
Chuuya seemed to jump at the question, face flushing red as he stared at Dazai in what he could only assume was disgust. The lump returned, his chest uncomfortably tight against his lungs.
"What the hell??"
Dazai scoffed, waving a dismissive hand at Chuuya. "If not, you can leave."
"Dazai, I'm worried about you."
"You know how to fix it."
Chuuya bristled, clearly frustrated with the others antics. Dazai almost found it funny, if he wasn't so preoccupied with his thoughts.
"I'm not just gonna have sex with you because you need a distraction, asshole"
"Then you can leave."
Chuuya watched him for a moment before sighing, seemingly defeated as he turned to leave.
Dazai swallowed, watching him shove his shitty barricade to the side to open the door.
"Hey- Wait- I-"
Chuuya paused, turning to meet Dazai's gaze.
"Mori isn't- He- can you-" He felt his face growing hot, stumbling over his words as his mind raced to catch up with him. "Please stay."
Chuuya's faced turned into something sympathetic, shutting the door and joining Dazai on the bed. "Okay, I can do that."
--
--
October 23rd,
70 days before.
"Red, red- stop-"
"Daz? Hey, hey, whats wrong?"
"stop stop-, im sorry, just stop-"
The weight ontop of him shifted, before leaving entirely, Chuuyas form settling down beside him.
"Are you alright?"
Dazai swallowed, looking up at the ceiling.
"Sorry."
Chuuya shook his head, brows creased in concern. Dazai hated the way he looked at him. Like something was wrong with him.
"You don't need to apologize, Os- Dazai,, I'm not mad."
Dazai tried to ignore the way Chuuya had to correct himself, tried to ignore the way it made him feel. It didn't work.
"Was it-,,?"
Dazai nodded stiffly, inhaling sharply at the reminder.
He tried to ignore the feeling of hands on him, of breath on his ear, of suffocating, tried to ignore everything bombarding his senses that just screamed him.
Dazai swallowed against the feeling in his chest, squeezing his eyes shut.
"I'm gonna be sick-"
--
--
November 29th,
33 days before.
"Fedya?"
Fyodor hummed, turning his head to face the man beside him. He was laying against the concrete, eyes fixed on the stars above them. Sometimes, when they were like this, Fyodor couldn't help but long for something so close and yet so far. He was never truly sure what it was about his companion that drew him in, he just knew he could never get enough.
The man hesitated for a moment, a second too long for either of their comforts, before continuing. "I don't think I'm going back."
Silence stretched between the two, unsure of where to go from there.
Fyodor wasn't necessarily surprised. Dazai had ran away from his home on multiple occasions, always claiming some new excuse to leave. However, his plans typically involved returning.
"Did something happen?"
Dazai hummed from beside him, lazily tracing constellations. Fyodor had never been able to spot them out, but Dazai seemed to have an almost unnerving talent for it. It was almost admirable.
"No. Not anything different, anyways."
Fyodor frowned, but didn't make any move to break the quiet. Dazai didn't like to be pressured, and he knew the other would tell him in due time if it was truly important.
"What about Nakahara?"
Dazai paused in his motions, a smile slipping onto his features as his gaze flicked over to Fyodor for a moment. "He'll be better off."
"I highly doubt that."
Dazai let out something similar to a scoff, though they both knew there was no ill intent behind it.
"Find the North Star for me?"
Fyodor rose a brow, exhaling dramatically. "You know I can't."
"Just tryyyy?"
He rolled his eyes, turning to look up at the sky.
"I don't even remember how."
Dazai didn't respond, but the quiet shuffling of clothes next to him lulled him into a sense of surety. Dazai was alive, that counted for something.
"Fedya's so pretty in the starlight."
Fyodor tore his gaze away from the sky, startled as he met his companions stare.
Dazai had rolled over onto his side, amber gaze boring into Fyodors own violet eyes. Dazai had always said they were more of a fuchsia. Fyodor didn't care enough to dignify him a response.
"Promise me I'll still be useful? When I leave, when I'm far away from here, from him, that I'll still be useful?"
Fyodor blinked in surprise, sitting up to fully assess the state the other was in. He seemed fine, had seemed fine, when Fyodor arrived at their meeting spot. Had something happened beforehand?
"You don't need to be useful to be worthy of living, Osamu."
Dazai didn't move, didn't breath, didn't tear his eyes off of Fyodor from his spot on the ground. "But I'll still be useful, won't i?"
Fyodor sighed, frown deepening into something comically close to sadness.
"I'm sure you will be."
Dazai didn't seem pleased with the answer, but he didn't continue the subject any further, rolling onto his back to return his gaze to the stars.
--
--
December 18th,
14 days before.
Dazai shot up from his place on the couch, chest heaving as he took in ragged breaths, eyes wide.
He could feel it, could feel him, he needed it gone, he needed it off, off off offoffofFOFF-
"Dazai?"
He stilled, swallowing against the lump in his throat as he turned to meet Oda's concerned gaze.
"You were crying in your sleep." Was the only explanation he got to the man's presence.
True to his word, Dazai reached up to feel wet tears falling down his face, wincing at the way it made his bad eye ache.
"Did I wake you?"
He asked after a moment, watching Oda sit down next to him on the couch, careful to keep a safe distance from him. Dazai almost started crying all over again.
"No, I couldn't sleep. I'd come to check up on you."
"Oh."
Dazai blinked, turning his gaze to the floor. His skin burned. He was so cold. He could feel pinpricks of phantom touches against his body, it made him feel sick. His arms burned.
Suddenly, hands were pulling his away from himself, away from his arm. When had he started scratching?
"Osamu? Are you with me?"
Dazai looked back up, meeting Oda's gaze once more. He nodded after a moment, taking in a slow breath.
"Good, that’s good. Do you need anything?"
Dazai frowned, shaking his head. He just wanted the hands to go away.
"May I hug you?"
He felt his muscles tense up at the question, breathing faltering as he considered. Oda made him feel safe. Oda made the burning and the needles and the ants and the hands go away. He wanted to feel better.
Dazai nodded, watching Oda with wide eyes as the man pulled him into a warm embrace. He felt like crying. He did.
Oda didn’t comment on it, just ran careful hands through messy hair, watching the boy fall into a hopefully dreamless sleep.
--
--
December 30th,
1 day left.
He was dying.
Yes, this had to be it.
It was the only thing that made sense.
He had to be dying.
There was a person talking to him, but he was too out of it to process what any of it meant.
He had to be dying.
Had Mori finally gotten tired of him?
Was he no longer useful?
The thought brought tears to his eyes.
He had to be useful.
Mori kept him around because he was useful.
He needed to be useful.
"Osamu?"
Dazai blinked, vision hazy. What was happening?
"Osamu, are you with me?"
He'd never heard Mori sound like that.
Not since he was a child.
Was he concerned?
Had Dazai done something?
"Osamu, I need to know that you're okay."
He felt himself frown, vision blurry. Why couldn't he see?
"Mori? Mori, I can't see."
The body next to him stiffened.
Had he done something wrong?
He was so confused.
"Mori?? I don't understand what's happening.'
Nothing.
"Mori? Mori, please, I don't understand."
"Osamu, can you hear me?"
Dazai's brows furrowed, the feeling of tears against his skin sending a shiver down his spine.
Suddenly, hands were on him, maneuvering him, touching him, touching him.
"Stop- Stop, stop stop stop pleaSE-"
"Dazai, Dazai, he's not here, it's just me, It's Oda."
Dazai shook his head, trying to shake the hands off, breathing growing erratic. He needed them gone, needed them gone, gone gone gone gone gone gonegonegone-
Arms wrapped around him, pulling him into a hug. It burned. It burned and burned and he cried because he needed it, he needed more, he needed more, and it hurt, and he needed it, and he sobbed, and he couldn't stop, and he didn't care who it was anymore, he just needed it.
"Please don't leave me."
--
--
"Odasaku,
Words cannot begin to describe my gratitude towards all the kindness you have shown me in our time together. I will be forever grateful for your generosity, and for your selflessness.
Unfortunately, I don't believe I'll be able to extend my stay any longer.
Things have come up, as they always do, and I'm afraid I need to get out of here. For reasons I can't, won't explain, that I know you'll understand, I have to get out of this place.
Perhaps we'll meet again someday. I know this letter isn't much. I know you'll want to find me, to know I'm safe. We both know I cannot offer any sort of promise to comfort your fears.
I have never been more afraid in my life.
I can't come back from this.
I won't come back from this.
Please, don't try and find me.
You'll know when I'm ready.
I promised you I'd make a future for myself, didn't I?
Please tell Chuuya that I'm sorry. That I love him. That I'm sorry for leaving, and that I'm sorry for what I did.
If you ever run into My Russian, tell him I'll be waiting, will you? ;)
I am truly sorry for leaving this way, but last night was a bit of a final reason of sorts.
I'm so sorry to ever have compared you to that man, I'm truly sorry for all of the stress I've put you through, I'm truly sorry for leaving, I'm
With Love,
Osamu"