Work Text:
[12:34] hyunie :
heyyy i just got on my train
*picture*
i hope that you’re ready for the biggest hug you’ve ever had once i’m there
i’m soooo excited to finally meet you and spend time with you aaaaa
okay the connection is kinda getting worse so i’ll text you when we’re close! can’t wait to see you soon! <3
Seungmin nearly squeals with joy upon receiving these messages: in just a few hours his dream will finally come true and he will be able to spend almost two weeks with one of his closest friends, Hyunjin.
[12:42] minmin:
i’ll be waiting for you at the train station!! yellow shirt, just like you asked me haha
“You’re literally glowing,” Jisung comments teasingly from across the table as he munches on his cheesecake. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this excited to hang out with me or Jeongin.”
“Shut up,” Seungmin snorts, yet he can still feel the tips of his ears turn red, giving him away completely. “I am always excited to be with you, it’s just that you live three houses away and we spent ten years studying together. Things are different with Hyunjin, I’ve never seen him before!”
“Come on, I was just messing with you,” Jisung laughs, but he clearly enjoys this. “I know that you’ll want to have Hyunjin all to yourself, but I hope you remember that we’re celebrating Changbin’s birthday this Friday and you both are invited.”
“Yeah, we’ll be there. Hyunjin really wants to meet you guys, though I don’t know how I feel about it, because you’re already hard to handle, and if you hit it off right upon the first meeting…” Seungmin sighs and calls the waiter to ask for the bill. “Okay, I think I better get going, I still need to get that extra blanket from Jeongin, because I can share a bed with someone, but not my precious blanket.”
But even two hours later, waiting for the train to arrive at the platform, Seungmin still feels exceptionally giddy, unable to believe that this really is happening, that Hyunjin is going to spend two weeks of his summer holidays here before they both move to the same city for university.
Their story is almost as simple as any other internet friendship, but it doesn’t make this any less meaningful and important for Seungmin, who rarely makes friends and finds it hard to trust new people. They met on Twitter nearly a year ago: Seungmin made a fun thread where he compared his favorite dramas and movies to songs that in his opinion described those perfectly, and Hyunjin messaged him on the same night, surprised to have come across someone with such a similar taste in both music and movies.
To be fair, Seungmin didn’t expect anything to come out of that conversation at first, because he was just a shy and slightly awkward guy while Hyunjin had an account with several thousands followers and gave the impression of a social butterfly.
However, they clicked really well and grew close in no time, both because they shared most of their interests, and because behind that first impression Hyunjin turned out to be the sweetest romantic guy, who wanted to focus on the best sides of the world and humanity, valued friendships more than it could seem at first and genuinely enjoyed talking to Seungmin — which was a mutual feeling.
Since they only live a few hours away from each other, they really wanted to meet in person, but every time they tried to plan a visit, something inevitably came up and ruined it — the last year before graduation, as well as the process of applying for university, was really chaotic, so they had to settle for video calls and the promise to meet in summer, right before moving to another place for studies.
Back then, they didn’t know that they’d actually end up going to university in the same city, but even after Hyunjin once called him and announced with the happiest face that he got accepted into the university of his dream, they decided to not cancel this plan, especially since Hyunjin already had his train tickets booked.
And now…
“Seungminnie!” Hyunjin waves at him with a wide grin plastered on his face as soon as he gets off the train. “My Minnie is here!”
Hyunjin runs to him faster than the dust flies through the air caught in the wind, and Seungmin barely gets to process what is happening when Hyunjin gives him a bone-crushing hug, even lifting him up a little and spinning him around.
Once Seungmin’s brain does finally understand that it’s real and not only happening in his mind, Seungmin hugs him just as tightly, giggling at how Hyunjin can’t hold back his happiness and excitement, overflowing with joy and energy — that has always been an interesting detail about Hyunjin, but it feels twice as bright in real life.
“You’re going to choke me,” Seungmin mutters in his shoulder, completely ignoring all the people around them at that moment. “But, honestly, I don’t even mind that.”
“Sorry,” Hyunjin laughs and then pulls away, but only to link their arms together now. “I’m just so happy to finally see you in person, you have no idea. You look even more like a puppy in real life!”
Seungmin huffs at that, but doesn’t say anything or try to argue — his friends always call him a puppy anyway, it’s just that Hyunjin for some reason is more persistent than all of them combined, but by now Seungmin has already got used to it and most of the time even agrees with Hyunjin’s point.
Instead, he reminds Hyunjin to fix his short ponytail with several blond strands sticking out after the train ride, and then shares his plan for the day, which mostly consists of cuddling in his room while watching something and only then going out for a late evening walk.
Hyunjin agrees that this plan is perfect and that sightseeing can easily wait for tomorrow, but insists on including ordering a large pizza, and who is Seungmin to say no when Hyunjin also promises that it’s going to be his treat?
“This will be the best time,” Hyunjin sing-songs as they walk through the quiet streets, still filled to the brim with excitement. “The best two weeks.”
////
Hyunjin isn’t wrong about that at all, because in the next two days Seungmin finds himself the happiest that he’s ever been: every morning starts with Hyunjin smiling at him sleepily from the other side of the bed once the alarm goes off, and then they make sure to catch up on everything that they’ve been wanting to do together, from going to the amusement park to making pizza under Seungmin’s mother’s careful supervision.
It feels like the world has slowed down just for them to enjoy this time to the fullest, and if usually Seungmin would complain about days going by so slowly, right now he is immensely grateful for that, because he expected it to have a different effect.
It’s just the first few days, though, and Seungmin knows that soon time will stop being so merciful on them and will instead fly completely unnoticed, but for now he lets himself bask in this illusion of every second and hour fully belonging to them — that is, until Friday rolls around and brings Changbin’s birthday party along.
Seungmin isn’t worried that Hyunjin won’t get along with his friends, no. If anything, he is more concerned that they will , because then Jisung and Changbin will definitely share all the embarrassing stories about him, as well as wake up Hyunjin’s more energetic side, one that is quite difficult to handle under the same roof with three other chaotic people, and Seungmin can already barely feel alive after their parties.
This isn’t a bad thing, Seungmin appreciates how they help him get out of his shell at least for a short while and just let everything go, wilding along with his friends, but he strongly believes that having just one troublemaker in his circle of friends — Jisung — is already more than enough.
But life, much like always, already has everything figured out, for all of them, and from the very second when he introduces Hyunjin to Jisung, he knows that the night is going to be extremely fun and potentially dangerous for Seungmin’s reputation — but, well, you only live once, right?
“I can’t believe we finally get to meet the Hyunjin,” Jisung tells him with that mischievous grin of his after they all present their gifts to Changbin, and Seungmin just knows what he’s going to say next. “Seungmin’s been talking about you all the time, so it kinda feels like we’ve known you for ages already. Still, it’s nice to see you in person.”
“Oh really?” Hyunjin sounds surprised as he glances at Seungmin, who, in turn, just blushes and elbows Jisung right under the ribs, making him hiss yet still without losing his grin. “I didn’t know about that. I’ve heard a lot about you, too, so I guess Seungmin is just very sweet when it comes to his friends, right?”
“Depends on what friends these are,” Seungmin responds, still blushing, but forces himself to move on — after all, Jisung’s always been a blabbermouth, so there’s nothing to be shocked about.
They end up just laughing it off, for which Seungmin is very grateful, and, just like he predicted, Hyunjin fits right in, starts to act as though he’s always known these people just a few hours later. Even Jeongin, usually shy and closed around new people despite being their hidden gem of chaos, warms up to Hyunjin sooner than to anyone else before, and Seungmin feels both relieved and proud to see that all his dear friends actually feel comfortable around each other.
Hyunjin shares stories from his school life, tells them more about his hobbies — painting and dancing, and also teaches Jisung the key moves from one of his favorite songs’ choreography, while others, including Seungmin, tell him about this city, how they became friends and what they usually do together.
“No way!” Hyunjin exclaims when Changbin shares that they often gather together to watch baseball games, though without Jisung, because he isn’t so keen on sports. “I had no idea, couldn’t even imagine that, to be honest.”
“That’s because you’re not into baseball!” Seungmin tries to explain why he never mentioned this except for that one time when they talked about their interests aside from the ones they discussed in their very first conversation.
“So what?” Hyunjin shrugs, apparently not even noticing the curious glances from Jisung and Jeongin. “I want to know more about you, your stories are never boring, especially when it’s something you’re passionate about.”
“I’ve got an idea!” Jisung chimes into their conversation, and since they’re already slightly tipsy from a few beers that Changbin got for the party, Seungmin senses that this idea will most likely make him regret all his life choices later on, like it always happens during parties when Jisung and alcohol are involved in pair.
Jisung suggests to play the good old “Truth or Dare”, because there are still many things that they don’t know about each other, and also because that’s what they usually do if they have someone new join them to break the ice (which, in Hyunjin’s case, isn’t even that necessary, because his friendliness and open nature burn stronger than fire).
Seungmin finds himself unable to say no to this when they all are so eager to play this game, but only agrees on the condition that the dares won’t be as crazy as they were last time when Changbin invited his university friends to spend the weekend here and then didn’t come back for another two months because of the shame he would feel otherwise upon seeing his neighbors.
Hyunjin leans in closer to get the tea on that, but this time it’s Changbin’s turn to blush bright pink as he yells that he would never do that again anyway, and Seungmin can’t help chuckling at the way Hyunjin pouts when he realizes that this story is meant to follow them to their graves and never be disclosed.
They quickly move on after deciding that all dares must be done inside, mainly to avoid getting poor Hyunjin embarrassed when he still has more than a week to spend here, but also to not put Changbin’s neighbors through the nightmare of having to watch them do stupid things again.
“Well, okay, since you offered the game, as the birthday guy I take the right to ask the first question,” Changbin sure knows how to look threatening — both seriously, and for fun, like right now. “Truth or dare?”
“Let’s go with the easy ones first, truth,” Jisung, however, remains confident.
This is always the most fun part, watching how Jisung’s mischief and confidence slowly evaporate, and Seungmin even leans back on the couch to have a better look at this scene. Somehow, Changbin always picks the best questions, ones that aren’t really asking for super personal information but still get you feeling caged, and Seungmin is almost convinced at this point that Changbin can see through them all but patiently waits for the most fitting chance to reveal that.
“Look at Jisung, this is going to be fun,” Seungmin whispers to Hyunjin, who blinks in confusion but still follows his gaze.
“When was the last time you lied to us and what was the truth behind it?”
And just like that, all Jisung’s confidence pops like a balloon as he stares at Changbin with wide eyes and that funny face that Seungmin can only describe as the flustered Jisung face because all other words fail here. Seungmin isn’t the biggest fan of this game, mostly because he doesn’t like unexpected questions that put him on the spot, even just within their friend circle, but moments like that are absolutely priceless and worth the few seconds of teasing he may get for his answers or sloppily trying to complete his dares.
Of course, Seungmin also finds learning new things about his friends fun, but their reaction (and his own, too) to the questions is definitely the best part about playing “Truth or Dare”, at least to him.
“Woah, woah, I wanted to start with the easy ones, not the heaviest shit you’ve got against me!” Jisung tries, laughing awkwardly, but Changbin remains unimpressed, still waiting for the answer. “Okay, okay, fine, you win! Last week, when I told you I was going to visit my grandparents, I actually spent the weekend with— my new boyfriend.”
“Did you just make that up again?” Jeongin eyes him with doubt, even though they swore to either not play this game at all or be completely honest with their answers. “Last time you told us you had a boyfriend was…”
“When you were playing some video game and fell for one of the characters,” Seungmin finishes for him, nodding along. “Does that mean that you finally found someone that you can trust?”
The thing is, deep inside Jisung is also a huge romantic despite his constant jokes about how gross couples in love are, but his personality is drastically different from Hyunjin, who is perhaps the biggest romantic that Seungmin has ever seen.
Unlike Hyunjin, who is satisfied with just the idea of love, who is happy to observe love from the side and finds it in every little thing surrounding him, Jisung craves a relationship, a connection where he will feel understood and appreciated for who he is, but finding the right person is not exactly the easiest thing in the world and he had all his illusions about it crushed in quite a painful way.
Jisung’s first relationship ended in heartbreak, but he didn’t lose hope to meet someone he would actually feel comfortable with, and they all hoped with him too — after all, they’re still very young, so they have all the time to search for a person like that.
Hearing that Jisung now has a boyfriend makes Seungmin feel genuinely happy, but also brings back his protective mode: they’ve been there for each other since kindergarten, so they both know a little more about each other than everyone else does, and Seungmin just can’t help wanting to protect his best friend from burning himself on love again.
“He is very nice,” Jisung beams, but that’s still not enough to make Seungmin relax. “I haven’t told you about him yet, because we only started dating a few weeks ago, but I feel really comfortable with him and I promise to share more once I’m ready.”
“You’re such an idiot, Jisungie,” Seungmin huffs. “Come here, I’m so glad to hear that you feel good in that relationship, and I hope that it’ll continue being like this, or else…”
He doesn’t finish that sentence, but he doesn’t really need to: they all remember that when Jisung’s boyfriend dumped him, he ended up regretting that a lot because Seungmin took his sweet revenge to at least make sure that the guy wouldn’t do such things ever again.
It isn’t something to be proud of, they were both just sensitive teenagers back then, and, looking back at it now, Seungmin sometimes even wonders why he didn’t try simply talking to that person instead, like normal people do, but it got the smiley Jisung back to him, so, unlike the guy, Seungmin never regretted that — questioned his methods, yes, but never with regret.
Hyunjin looks curious again, but all Seungmin can do is sigh and shake his head once he notices that, because this isn’t his story to tell, and he doubts that Jisung will ever want to share it with anyone who didn’t witness it as it was happening — it’s all too painful, and it’s only right that he doesn’t want to go through it again, even if just in his memories.
Now, Seungmin hopes, things will be different, but he still makes a mental note to ask Jisung a billion questions about his new boyfriend later, but not tonight, because there is still a game to play, and it’s actually Jisung’s smirk that brings him back to the party.
Sometimes Seungmin feels scared of how fast Jisung’s mood changes, but by now he’s already got used to all these little antics of his best friend, so now he just watches in amusement how Jisung closes his eyes and spins around to pick the next person for the game.
It happens to be Hyunjin, who decides to choose dare but asks to go easy on him with this first attempt, so Jisung, being the most merciful person in the world, simply dares him to call his best friend and pretend to be drunk to see Hyunjin’s acting skills and his friend’s reaction to that.
“My best friend is an epitome of innocence, of course he’s going to believe me and he will be worried,” Hyunjin tries, but a dare is a dare, so he eventually gives up and dials his best friend’s number.
Seungmin hasn’t talked to Felix before other than those few times when they interacted on Twitter, but from how Hyunjin described him, this guy really is a ray of sunshine, so, after Hyunjin ends the call, even Jisung admits that he didn’t expect such reaction to a simple joke.
Changbin, who kept quiet for a while, comments that Hyunjin must protect his friend at all cost, to which Hyunjin just shrugs and half-jokes that Felix is perfectly capable of protecting himself — unless it’s the cute cat videos, after watching which Felix often bawls his eyes out while no one can see him.
“That’s so sweet, where did you even find him?” Changbin asks, kicking Jeongin with his foot when the younger starts wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.
“In Australia, my dear mister darkness, but don’t even think about snatching my friend from me, he’s my personal sunshine,” Hyunjin grins, and even Seungmin finds it hard to tell whether he’s joking or being serious. “Okay, Seungminnie…”
Seungmin gulps upon hearing his name, even though he saw it coming, since this whole idea came to life only because Hyunjin didn’t know that he was a big fan of baseball and wanted to learn more about him.
Usually, he doesn’t mind picking dare, but this time he for some reason chickens out and goes with the truth, but regrets it as soon as he hears the question, because, apparently, in those few days that they’ve lived together Hyunjin somehow adopted Changbin’s ability to see through people and realized that there was once a time when Seungmin wasn’t completely honest with him.
Whatever Hyunjin’s reason for asking this is, Seungmin refuses to believe that this is just a coincidence, because things don’t work like that, it is simply impossible.
“Since we’re on topic of relationships and love, have you dated anyone before?” is what Hyunjin asks, looking at him with a mix of genuine curiosity and something else that Seungmin can’t quite pick up yet, no sign of teasing in his eyes.
At the same time, Seungmin can feel Changbin’s and Jeongin’s eyes on him, as well as Jisung’s slightly worried gaze, and it makes him sigh heavily as he tries to decide whether he wants to reveal the truth that neither Changbin nor Jeongin know about, or go against the rules for the first time and lie for his own comfort.
It’s tempting, and Seungmin knows that Jisung won’t be pressed about it like he most definitely would be if it was someone else — or rather, something else, a different situation, but then he looks at Hyunjin again, who is waiting to get an answer, and comes to the hard conclusion that it is now time he stopped hiding things from his friends.
“Yeah,” he says carefully, voice almost a whisper, because his brain still considers that to be a big secret, or, well, maybe not even a secret, but something to leave in the past forever. “It was a few years ago, we were in an online relationship and it didn’t end well, and I’m actually sorry that I haven’t told you about it sooner, guys, and… sorry that I lied to you too, Hyunjin, when you asked me about it last year.”
“Hey, that’s totally okay,” Hyunjin’s smile falls as soon as he hears those words, but Seungmin isn’t sure how it makes him feel, especially when Hyunjin pulls him in for a hug before Changbin and Jeongin even get to process that.
Physical touch is for sure and certain Hyunjin’s main love language, while Seungmin leans more to the acts of service type of person, but even so, Seungmin feels the most comfortable in Hyunjin’s arms, so the bad memories step back into the shadows that they emerged from as soon as Hyunjin envelops him in a warm hug.
“Whoever hurt you, I’m under their bed tonight,” Jeongin promises as his eyes flicker threateningly, and that makes Seungmin laugh, already feeling much better.
“I’m not letting you go,” Hyunjin whispers quietly, just for him to hear, and his breath tickles Seungmin’s ear, makes blood rise up to his cheeks and gets him to wonder once again why he even agreed to play this game tonight.
They laugh it off in the end, and Seungmin feels grateful that none of them tried to ask for details or any sort of an explanation, because he isn’t ready to share that story with anyone but Jisung yet.
It happened almost at the same time with Jisung’s breakup, but despite his own disappointment and pain, Jisung was there for him more than Seungmin could ever ask him to, and sometimes he catches himself thinking that he only really made it through that time thanks to Jisung’s constant presence by his side and because he had Jisung’s ex-boyfriend to deal with, which served as a great distraction.
He hadn’t told Hyunjin about it before, lied that he never dated anyone when Hyunjin asked him about his thoughts on love and relationships once, but up until now he kept telling himself that technically it wasn’t really a lie, since he didn’t get to meet that guy in person and still has no real-life experience with dating.
There were many reasons for that, from personal trauma that he took months to recover from and still feels its effect on his relationships with people, struggles to start trusting someone for a very long time, to other, more complicated ones that he doesn’t want to admit even to himself, let alone to Hyunjin.
But on this evening, with Hyunjin’s arms wrapped around his waist, chin rested on his shoulder as they continue the game, though without the initial spark that was totally destroyed with the grim memories, Seungmin realizes how wrong he was, realizes that he should’ve been honest and open with Hyunjin from the very beginning, and maybe now he wouldn’t have to go through these mixed feelings, wouldn’t have to face his fears, second-guess every gesture from Hyunjin’s side and question everything he does, too.
Caught up in his thoughts, Seungmin somehow misses the moment when they go full circle again and come back to Hyunjin, who complains about feeling way too comfortable with Seungmin in his arms and picks truth, earning a snort from Jeongin, who’s just finished his fairly embarrassing dare of dancing without any music for an entire minute and was hoping to come up with something just as awkward for Hyunjin.
Still, Jeongin wouldn’t be himself if he didn’t think of something juicy, but if on any other day Seungmin would happily play along, right now this, unbeknownst to Jeongin, of course, feels like the last nail in the coffin for him.
“I think it’s awfully unfair that nobody asked you about your love life yet, soo… Okay, let’s put it that way: asking about your ideal type is boring, but if you had to kiss someone in this room, who would it be and why?”
Seungmin barely holds back a gasp that threatens to slip from his lips upon hearing this question, and feels a storm start to build up inside of him at the way Hyunjin’s arms tighten around his waist — unconsciously, as Seungmin tells himself. This is a dangerous territory, a line that Seungmin is afraid to cross, and he almost wishes that they never agreed to come to this party and instead spent the evening walking around the city, exchanging jokes and feeding each other with random snacks from the nearest grocery store.
Hyunjin seems to take the question seriously, hesitates for a few seconds before giving his response, and Seungmin hates himself for freezing in his arms, both fearing to hear his own name and someone else’s name come out of Hyunjin’s mouth.
“Well, definitely not Jisung,” Hyunjin says with a wink, and everyone bursts out laughing at this — everyone but Seungmin, who waits, holding his breath. “No offense, you’ve already got a boyfriend, and you’re not my type. Changbin is cute, but also looks threatening and I’m not into buff dudes, so not you too, sorry. Honestly? I’d pick Seungmin, because everything about him is just— He’s like love, but in human shape, you know? Hey, Seungmin, is everything alright? Did I say something wrong? Shit, you look really pale…”
“It’s okay,” Seungmin tries, forcing himself to smile despite the storm now raging inside, a whole whirlwind of emotions dancing in his heart at once, sending it off on a chase after the lost sanity. “I just need to get some fresh air, it’s too stuffy in here, and also the beer— don’t worry, I’ll get back soon.”
“Would you like me to go with you?” Jisung and Hyunjin ask at the same time, both looking worried, but Seungmin declines their offer, this time with a sincere smile.
He feels like shit for leaving Hyunjin like this, alone with his friends in a place that he barely knows, but Seungmin just can’t help it, he really needs some fresh air and a few minutes — or maybe half an hour — to himself, needs to think about everything, to accept what he’s been desperately hiding from for the past four months and finally stop acting like an immature teenager about it.
Seungmin feels guilty, because he can sense Hyunjin’s concerned gaze on his back even when the others return to their conversation, already used to Seungmin’s antics and the need to give him space from time to time, feels it even after he closes the door and breathes in the chilly night air.
With the bright moon as his only witness, Seungmin can no longer deny that he has romantic feelings for Hyunjin, and admitting this at least to himself is freeing, but the heavy weight on his shoulders doesn’t go anywhere, only becomes a little bit less suffocating — but Seungmin knows that it won’t last long, that once he sees Hyunjin’s eyes full of fondness and love again, it will come back in full power.
Loving Hyunjin from the side is easy, because those words that Hyunjin’s just said about Seungmin actually apply to him , because he is truly a heart-shaped person, but Seungmin never dares to hope that these feelings could bloom into something serious — that would be a false hope, regardless of how Hyunjin reacts and what he feels, and Seungmin hates basking in false hopes, because falling back onto the ground from those cozy clouds hurts more than he can handle; never again.
When he first felt something akin to butterflies of excitement in his stomach after seeing Hyunjin’s new pictures on Instagram and hearing his voice on the call that evening, Seungmin freaked out and promised himself to catch all those butterflies, one by one, and choke them, but in reality it wasn’t as easy as he wanted it to be.
Some of them managed to escape, and now they come back occasionally, like tonight, and as time passed, those butterflies became stronger, learned to dodge all of Seungmin’s attempts to catch them, so they always visit him uninvited, when he least expects that, and fly away before he gets to so much as touch their wings.
It doesn’t affect their friendship in any way, or, well, it didn’t — until Hyunjin came here to visit him, until tonight, when those words were said and ignited the stupid hope as well as the strongest fear inside again. Seungmin wanted to avoid that: he was very successful at surrounding this secret with webs of lying and pretending, and at some point he even started to believe that it was now past him, but at the same time, deep inside he knew that the illusion would inevitably shatter one day, and all the butterflies would go loose.
Seungmin regrets letting this get the best of him, because if he didn’t, they could’ve just laughed it off, because, well, who said that Hyunjin was genuinely serious with those words, when he had no other choice than to pick between the three of them?
Part of him always wished that Hyunjin would one day reciprocate his feelings, like it probably happens with any person who falls in love — it’s natural, it is inevitable, and there is nothing wrong with wishing that your love was returned, and yet, Seungmin was never meaning to slip and let Hyunjin know that those feelings even existed in the first place, because if Hyunjin ever did say something about love too, they would end up in a disaster.
Keeping his love behind all the possible locks, hidden even from his own mind, is the only way to preserve their friendship the way it is, without any awkwardness in the air, and this has nothing to do with Seungmin’s lack of confidence or anything like that. There are things to love about him, and if he didn’t fully accept it, Jisung and Jeongin would definitely knock some sense into him anyway, but the issue goes deeper than this, and Seungmin is just… scared.
“Seungmin! Hey, Seungmin, wait!” he suddenly hears behind his back and instantly turns around, surprised to see Hyunjin running after him through the dark street.
Seungmin looks around and realizes that while he was so caught up in those worries he didn’t even notice how he ended up walking quite far away from Changbin’s house — and all the places where he took Hyunjin before. How did he even get here, and, oh gosh, did he really run all this time?
“I wanted to give you time and space, and the guys told me that you’d be back soon, but you never returned and I started to get worried,” Hyunjin explains once he finally catches up with Seungmin, breathing heavily and nearly coughing after this run. “They didn’t want to let me go, especially after the beers, and they were right, I got lost, but then I saw you from afar, lost you and had to run once I finally spotted your silhouette under one of the streetlights again.”
Seungmin’s heart clenches because of the love it is suddenly overflowed with, and he can’t control himself as he opens his embrace for Hyunjin to hide in, calling him silly in a tiny whisper and grinning against his will when Hyunjin just giggles in his neck at all the fake annoyance from his side.
“How did they even let you outside? I know you’re not a child, but—”
“They actually didn’t,” Hyunjin shrugs, arms wrapped around his waist almost protectively, as though this city isn’t Seungmin’s home, as though something bad can happen to him here. “I said that I wanted to get myself some water and then sneaked out of the house while no one saw it. But I don’t think they noticed, after you left, Changbin remembered that there was one more crate of beer, so they were on their way to getting drunk because they know you better, they’re used to it, and I… I was just too worried about you.”
There’s something about the way he mutters those words that echoes deep inside Seungmin’s poor heart that already had to deal with so many feelings on this night, something about how Hyunjin’s lips leave traces full of love on his skin as he speaks, with heavy despair yet a prevalent shade of gentleness before anything else.
Hyunjin doesn’t bring up what happened during the game, for which Seungmin is endlessly grateful, and only asks him to never run away like that again — a promise that Seungmin can’t give him no matter how much he would want to, at least not now.
“Can I hug you tonight?” Hyunjin asks carefully as they slowly walk back to where Seungmin’s house is, almost half an hour later because the romantic in him wanted to take in the authentic atmosphere of this place at night.
They are holding hands as they walk side by side — another thing that Seungmin was just unable to say no to, doing his best to ignore that what was previously a dozen of butterflies now turned into hundreds of little fireflies that go crazy just at the sight of Hyunjin, lighting up brighter than the stars up in the sky.
Seungmin is perfectly aware that Hyunjin senses the change in the atmosphere between them, but he doesn’t feel ready to have any serious conversation about it just yet, though the guilt for being so selfish and acting purely on impulse, scaring Hyunjin shitless instead of taking some time to explain what was going on, is still heavy on his shoulders.
He hums to Hyunjin’s previous question, mindlessly agreeing because he is fine with just about anything as long as it comes from Hyunjin, but when he hears a quiet “I just don’t want to lose you, even in my dreams” , Seungmin wishes that Hyunjin’s hand didn’t feel so warm in his and that false hopes didn’t spark their way through the darkest chest safely hidden and locked in the corner of his heart.
////
“Will you tell me what really happened on that night?”
Hyunjin is looking at the lake, not at him, but Seungmin still feels as though Hyunjin is actually looking right through him, spots the stupid fireflies that never stopped glowing inside — for safety, and romance, and all that shit — since Changbin’s birthday.
It’s the last day before Hyunjin has to go back home and prepare for moving to university, and Seungmin suggested going to the lake, just to spend some time away from the constant buzzing of the city, enjoy another breathtaking sunset together and… finally talk about things, too.
They didn’t return to that topic afterwards, both carrying something too fragile in their hearts and not willing to cut the rest of the fun with the sharp pieces of it once broken — it was clear without the need to say it out loud, they knew that this conversation would inevitably change their relationship and wanted to bask in what they already established just a little bit longer, just enough to build up the courage to cross the invisible line towards something new.
In a way, it reminds Seungmin of playing a game, because neither of them can predict the outcome, as they are only aware of what cards are on them and have no idea what the other is going to offer.
“Yeah, you deserve to know it,” Seungmin breathes out, though unsure, as he hugs his knees and stares mindlessly at the water too. “But before I share this story, I want you to also tell me— did you really mean what you said or was it just because of the game?”
Though they both ran with the illusion of things remaining the same after the party, though this illusion was very vivid and almost real, Seungmin still couldn’t ignore the short seconds of hesitation that sometimes reflected on Hyunjin’s face when they were together, like he didn’t know if hugging Seungmin or reaching to hold his hand was even appropriate, like he started to watch himself more around Seungmin, careful now instead of being genuine.
No matter how hard Seungmin tried, it wasn’t easy to just turn a blind eye to it, and he wants to be sure that the time really has come for him to relive the story of the past that he never shared with anyone other than Jisung before.
Hyunjin chuckles at the question, and despite it being so quiet and short, Seungmin can still feel a whole mix of emotions in that simple chuckle as Hyunjin turns to look at him — he can’t name them, but knows that they bother Hyunjin just as much as his own fireflies inside bother him, so he braces himself for a waterfall, one that will finally wash away the uncertainty and yet also knock him off his feet.
“I, uh… I tried hiding that, but at some point I realized how stupid it was, because it almost started to turn against me, so I decided to tell you everything once we would meet in person, and the party gave me a great chance, even if it wasn’t how I planned to do it, but Jeongin asked me that question and— you know the rest of it. So screw the plan, screw it all, I can’t keep it to myself any longer, and I’m scared, so scared of saying that out loud, but I have to… I need to tell you that I like you, I like you a lot, I’ve felt this way for months now, actually. I want you to know the truth, but I’m sorry for burdening you with that if it’s wrong, if it’s not what you want too.”
Seungmin keeps staring at the lake, but not because water is calming at this moment: he is simply afraid of looking into Hyunjin’s eyes and finding a reflection of his own feelings there, but now with a name given to them, afraid of losing himself in this bottomless gentleness and fondness that Hyunjin has in his eyes whenever he sees Seungmin.
His heart is beating fast, but his mind can barely process a single thought, suddenly all foggy, and Seungmin has no idea what to say, how to respond to these words, because he is torn between following his heart towards the path of love and following that same heart on the path of safety, the past memories kicking in again.
“I’ll get over it eventually, at least I hope so, but I will understand if you want this to be our last night together, too,” Hyunjin comes up with his own interpretation for Seungmin’s lack of reaction, and it hurts . “I’m really sorry for—”
“I’m lost,” Seungmin admits with a heavy sigh, still not daring to look at Hyunjin. “I didn’t want to tell you — or anyone — that I had some dating experience because I was hoping to erase that from my memory, start over, but it doesn’t work like that, and all I achieved with that was messing everything up. I don’t know what to do now, I’m— I’m—”
“Hey, it’s alright,” Hyunjin assures him in a soft voice.
Seungmin notices how he reaches his hand, almost out of habit now, to support him somehow, but Hyunjin hesitates, and so he moves to sit closer, taking Hyunjin’s hand himself and placing it on his thigh, feeling almost relieved at this familiar weight. It’s only been two weeks, but Hyunjin’s touches have become a habit for him too, something that he can’t imagine being around Hyunjin without, and this time it helps him stay grounded and not fall into the dark pit of unwanted memories too.
“I know that it’s a lot to process…” Hyunjin continues, touching him in a gentle, calming way. “You don’t have to react to my confession now or any time soon, or at all, and you don’t owe me any details that make you feel uncomfortable. I just want to understand if I did something wrong, if I hurt you somehow, and I want to know that next time I won’t do that again, because I treasure you a lot, and I really don’t want to lose you — unless you tell me that you don’t want me around anymore because we changed, or something like that, not because of what I did or said.”
This once again reminds Seungmin about how complicated human relationships are: while he was chasing after his own comfort, tried to choke the feelings that started to bloom through his heart, he didn’t stop to think about what Hyunjin was feeling, and he only fully realizes now how wrong that was.
He can’t be blamed for putting himself before anyone else, that is how things should be, and the problem goes deeper than this: Seungmin was so caught up in his fears, worries and the desire to keep things as they were that he didn’t consider Hyunjin’s opinion on it, dismissed his thoughts before even getting to hear them, and eventually, inevitably, it led them to this confusing, difficult situation.
Now that Seungmin thinks about it, there have been plenty of moments when Hyunjin was flirting with him, subtly implying that he would be open for a serious conversation if Seungmin ever showed his interest too, even if just briefly, but he always saw that as jokes, or maybe even unconsciously convinced himself that it couldn’t be what his heart wanted to think it was.
They were both stupid, and no matter how much Seungmin imagined himself to be a mature person, he totally sucked at proper communication, and in an attempt to give him space to decide for himself first Hyunjin ended up in that trap too, but this quiet night with nothing but the cold lake surrounding them might be their chance to… open a new, clean page that won’t get dirty with mixed ink anymore, that will have honest, clear conversations and be the first chapter on the way to building something beautiful out of those scary but captivating feelings.
“I really like you too,” he gets the most difficult words out of the way first. “But I’m scared of getting into a relationship again, because the only one I had before left a trace on me that I still find hard to recover from, and I don’t know… I won’t go into details now, even though you truly deserve to know it, but I’m afraid of being traumatized again. I trust you — the you that I know, but I trusted that person too, and in the end I was left there to realize how little I actually knew, and how blind I was all that time.”
“Jisung knows about that, right?” Hyunjin asks quietly, to which Seungmin nods, because that was really obvious. “So that is why he was so protective about you… no-no, he didn’t tell me anything, and I didn’t ask, it was just so clear in the air after I asked you that question about dating that I couldn’t help noticing it.”
“Yeah, Jisung was really doubtful of this relationship from the first day, actually, but I didn’t listen to him — and he didn’t listen to me, too, so we both ended up heartbroken because we saw the flaws in the friend’s partner, but not in ours. We were just barely fifteen, but I believed that I was already mature enough, when in reality I was just stupid and stubborn. It was an online relationship, and not many people knew about it, but those that did… were all against it. I ignored everyone, told them that I knew better, that I was happy, and— Well, to put it shortly, eventually I realized that what I thought I was in love with was just an image in my mind, and the person behind the screen had nothing in common with how I wanted to see them.”
Seungmin doesn’t want to share the whole story now, doesn’t feel ready to tell Hyunjin about the steps he had to take on this path from being blindly in love to accepting that he was just toyed with and moving on — as best as he could, at least.
To him, it was love, it was a relationship, because that was how he wanted to see it, how he called it, while to his partner he was a mere shadow, simply a way to hide from being called a loser by friends and family. Seungmin was inexperienced, and while he was also really smart, for some reason that lack of experience took over, made him really blind and deaf to all the red flags, and his eyes only finally opened again more than half a year through that toxic relationship.
“I don’t want to make the same mistake again,” Seungmin adds after a few moments of silence. “I know that I’m no longer fifteen and you’re not just an icon behind the screen, I now know that your personality is not what I imagined it upon first talking to you, and we’ve also met in real life and will now live in the same city, but this fear is stronger than me. I was treated like I was just a nice toy to play with, got just enough affection to not think of breaking up even though we always fought, and it took me a long time to understand that it wasn’t love and that I deserved much better. I had to learn it the hard way, and as much as I want to be with you, I truly do, to at least try, I freaked out, and now I don’t know what to do with this.”
“I’m so sorry,” Hyunjin whispers, squeezing his thigh unconsciously; the fireflies freeze in curiosity. “I couldn’t even imagine that you had to go through all that, it’s just so— horrible and disgusting, and unfair. Whoever did this to you is an asshole, and it’s only understandable that you don’t want this to happen again, and that you wanted to forget everything.”
“I’m glad that you know about it now,” Seungmin admits with a weak smile. “Talking about those things isn’t easy, but it brings a strange feeling of relief..? It’s good that I could finally tell you this story and let you know about my feelings for you.”
Seungmin is surprised to find that out, but he really feels much better after opening up to Hyunjin, feels comfortable, safe around Hyunjin, no more awkwardness in the air. If only he knew about the power of honest conversations before, he could’ve avoided so many mistakes in his life — but what’s done is done, and the only way to deal with the pain that those mistakes brought is to never make them again, or at least try not to.
“I can’t live with this fear forever,” he goes on, grateful that Hyunjin gives him the opportunity to voice all his thoughts before saying something of his own. “I guess that it might be too much to ask for, but if you could give me time… to figure you, us out, then maybe— You’re very dear to me, Hyunjin, and if there is a chance for us to be together at some point, I want to try and overcome the trauma of the past, but I know that I won’t be able to do this without your help and understanding.”
Part of him, still deeply affected by this fear of being played with and left in shambles, braces to hear that Hyunjin isn’t ready for a commitment like this, that he can’t just wait and hope for his feelings to not fade away without any promises from Seungmin’s side, but instead Hyunjin asks if he can give Seungmin a hug or hold him.
Hyunjin isn’t used to asking about such things, because Seungmin already gave him the green light once and told him to not worry about it, because he is all about touches and often doesn’t even notice how his hands reach out to touch, hold, hug, so right now this gesture speaks volumes.
“It may not seem like that, but I’m very serious about my feelings and decisions,” Hyunjin mutters in his hair when Seungmin all but throws himself onto him, acting extremely out of character yet happy to find shelter in Hyunjin’s embrace again. “I can wait for as long as you need me to, we’re still young, we have a lot to learn, and I would love to do it all with you, with no rush, no race after a new relationship status. I want you to trust me, but I know that trust doesn’t just come out of nowhere, so don’t worry about that, we can take time, I’m not going anywhere.”
“I wish we had this conversation earlier,” Seungmin sighs, resting his head on Hyunjin’s shoulder. “Things could’ve been so much easier— okay, yeah, you’re right, it would still be hard. I just met you in person two weeks ago, but I already know how much I’m going to miss you until university starts and we can see each other again… Isn’t that weird?”
“Not at all,” Hyunjin assures him with a smile, and then starts to get up, making Seungmin follow him too. “Let’s go home? You’re shivering.”
“Yeah.”
Hyunjin’s hands are cold, just like Seungmin’s own are, but for some reason he finds comfort and warmth in being able to hold Hyunjin’s hand like that, fingers interlocked as they slowly walk back home, where they’ll share a bed for one more night before Hyunjin has to leave in the morning.
“Hyunjin?” Seungmin calls him quietly, as though there is someone to overhear that, someone other than the crazy fireflies in his heart that haven’t calmed down since Hyunjin voiced his confession.
“What is it?” Hyunjin asks, voice just as quiet, and for a moment Seungmin wonders if he feels something like this too.
“Thank you.”
Early in the morning, when the sun only starts to rise, painting the walls of Seungmin’s room the bright shades of pink and red, Seungmin wakes up with a firm decision to follow the call of the glowing fireflies inside — and he never regrets it afterwards.
Their first kiss tastes like morning clouds.