Work Text:
(4:41)
Tomathy: brother Of mine. Dearest brother.
Oh Brother I Care For Dearly
Family member one step above me
Wilbur: what do you want, gremlin
Tomathy: One who shares my parental lineage and a bond we could never break
Wilbur: we’re both adopted
Tomathy: where the FUCK are you
Wilbur: i’m at the hotel. with dad. you know this
Tommy: WHY
Wilbur: because i have my debate competition tomorrow??0
tommy.
tommy tell me you knew we already left for the day.
Tomathy: how do you un-adopt a brother
Wilbur: you can’t disown me
Tomathy: I can. I will. I Will, Will
Wilbur: dad wants to know if you’re okay btw
Tomathy: you are suhc a bitch and I hate you so much did you know that. You are jsut the abostluet wrost ever and I ma ogoing to go to the scourts and legally disown you and wea re not brothers anymore
Tell dad he only has one son now
Wilbur: don’t say that :( i’ll cry
Tomathy: fuck you fukc you I am running away to live with Tubbo’s family
Wilbur: okay have fun with that
tommy wait actually what’s wrong what’s going on
c’mon man answer my texts
(4:48)
Dadza: Are you okay?
Tommy: Yes. No Thanks to Wilbur. I am at the bus stop and it is cold.
Dadza: Why are you still at the bus stop?? Shouldn’t you be home by now?
Tommy: Well some of us do not always get t o the bus on time!
And sometimes we are busy doing very important things like walking to the library and and then the clock breaks and we do not know it until too late because the librarian is a BTICH and ddidn’t tell me the clock was broken
Dadza: Did you miss the bus, Tommy?
Tommy: :(
(4:53)
Wilbur: listen I’m sorry for whatever you’re mad at me about. You can’t ignore me forever
Read 4:53 PM
(4:57)
Tommy: You abandoned me.
Dadza: It wasn’t abandonment. We’ve planned this, Toms, and you said you didn’t want to go along to Wilbur’s competition.
Can’t Tubbo pick you up?
Tommy: Yes because it is excessively boring and I hate Wilbur
NO he is out of town until tomorrow morning. Which is when he is picking me up for the weekend. Remember!
Dadza: You don’t hate Wilbur.
Can you call Tubbo and see if he has family still at his house who could give you a lift home?
Tommy: okay
Outgoing phone call to: Bee Boy
(5:08)
Tomathy: Tubbo’s family is all busy
Wilbur: oh good you’re talking to me again
Tomathy: Sorry. I meant to text Father
Wilbur: tommy please.
(5:10)
Tommy: Tubbo’s family is all busy
Dadza: Okay. Well, when does the next bus go by?
Tommy: thirty minutes ago
Dadza: What?
Tommy: i was NOT HERE
Dadza: Okay, check and see when the next one after that goes by.
Tommy: tomorrow
Dadza: What?
Tommy: w H aT
The schedule changes after 5 PM, Phillip. It does not go past our house anymore until tomorrow morning at 7:42 AM.
Ugguhhh I don’t want to sleep outside… I am going to freeze into an icicle. A boy shaped ice block and people will mistake me for an ice sculpture and point and say “Oh look at that beautiful sculpture of the perfect man what an exquisite piece of art” but in really it will be me dead and forzen on this bench because his family abandoned him all alone y himself
Dadza: Okay, king. It’s all right. Can you text any of your other friends? If absolutely necessary I will drive back and pick you up, but it’ll take me about four hours to get there.
Tommy: I will be dead by then
Dadza: Text Ranboo, mate. Doesn’t he have his license now?
Tommy: I hate Ranboo
(5:21)
Big Man: HELLO MR BOOB. ARE YOU AT HOME
Boob: No I’m at my grandma’s
Big Man: YOU ARE NO HELP AND THE WORST
(5:25)
Tommy: Ranboo is useless
Dadza: Okay. I’ve had an idea, how about you call your cousin and see if he can give you a ride?
Tommy: uughghghhhhhh but I Hate Techno
Dadza: No, you don’t. Call him.
(Missed Call - techNOBITCHES)
(5:28)
Dadza: Well?
Tommy: he didn’t answer
(5:28)
techNOBITCHES: ???
Why did you call me and then hang up after one ring
Tommy: fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you
techNOBITCHES: Bruh
(5:31)
Wilbur: tommyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
ttommmmmyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
Thomas Kraken Innit
toms. tommy. tomathy.
Tomathy: SHUTY UPI WILBY R YOU BITCH
Wilbur: awww did you just call me wilby
Tomathy: No I Called you BITCH
Wilby: :)
Tomathy: Put your nickname back RIght Now
Wilby: no :)
Only Child: I don’t have a brother anymore. I don’t know who you are so stop texting me
(5:35)
Dadza: Tommy, did you get ahold of Techno?
Tommy: No he is busy tonight
(5:35)
techNOBITCHES: Your dad texted me. Do you need a ride?
(5:36)
Tommy: Fine. He is not busy I will talk to him
Dadza: Thank you, Tommy. Please get home safe, okay?
Tommy: What if he is a serial killer
Dadza: He’s your cousin, Tommy.
Tommy: Serial killers have family members too, Phil
Dadza: I think you’ll be fine. Why do you have such a problem with Techno??
Tommy: He’s weird and annoying and he gets no bitches because is so sad and lonely and a bad person and he just takes things from people without asking first
Dadza: Ah, so this is still about Christmas dinner when he ate the last of the apple pie before you could take a slice.
Tommy: He is the worst member of our family and I will literally never forgive him
Dadza: Okay, Tommy.
(5:40)
Tommy: I have decided to offer you a temporary truce out of the goodness of my heart. Because I am an extremely selfless and generous individual, I will allow you to drive to the bus stop and give me a ride to my house.
techNOBITCHES: You’re too kind.
Tommy: I know. Get here soon.
(5:43)
Wilby: hey the hotel has an indoor swimming pool. heated and everything.
man you’d love it here. free breakfast in the morning too
Only Child: Do you ever SHUT UP!
(5:47)
Tommy: HELLO!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU
TECHNOBLADE
IT HAS BEEN TEN MINUTES WITH NO ANSWER
techNOBITCHES: Can you change my nickname please
Tommy: NO
Where are you and why is it not here
Techno: I haven’t even left work yet chill I have to convince my manager to let me go early
Tommy: Put your name back first of all. Secondly tell your manage It is an EMERGENCY and I am going to pass away
technoLATE: Are you hurt?
Annoying Child: Might be.
HEY STOP THAT
Techno: You’re fine. I’m leaving in five minutes.
BIGGEST MAN: UGHHHHH
(5:53)
Tommy: Day 48. It has been one hour and twenty-three minutes since my family cruelly abandoned me alone on a cold, lonely bus stop bench. Light is getting dim.
I don’t know how much longer I have elft. If anyone finds this, tell me father I forgive him.
Tell Wilbur I hated him until my fial breath though
Dadza: You’ll live.
Is Techno on his way?
Tommy: He is “at work” and “leaving soon” and “has to tell his manager” he is “leaving” his “job” “early”
Dadza: Why all the quotation marks
Tommy: Technoblade is full of lies
Dadza: Sure.
Text me when he gets there. Wil and I are going to get something to eat, call if I don’t reply to a text right away and you need me
Tommy: Day 49. My father has abandoned me once more.
(5:55)
BIGGEST MAN: Techno Blade it has been five minutes
Techno: Cool
BIGGEST MAN: And??
Techno: I’ll leave in a second okay chill out
BIGGEST MAN: I am totally chill. YOU are the one with the problem. Why haven’t you left
Techno: Somebody stole my keys I think
BIGGEST MAN: What.
Techno: Yeah idk where they are. Hold on
BIGGEST MAN: ???
TECHNOBLADE.
What do you MEAN Someone stole your KEYS
Come back and explain this story to me. Have they also stolen your vehicle? Are you going to be stranded at work while I am stranded at this bus stop and we will both perish in our respective lands of misery
Techno: No my car is here
BIGGEST MAN: Why not keys
Techno: I think Dream took them.
BIGGEST MAN: Who the fuck is DREAM
Techno: Some guy. Hold on.
BIGGEST MAN: Stop telling me to hold on. What is Going ON
Technoblade
Techno it has been several minutes now what is going on on over there
TECHNOBLADE
(6:03)
Only Child: Our cousin is been kidnapped sorry to break the news
Wilby: what did you do
Only Child: I DID NOTHING WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT
I think someone named Dream has kidnapped him
Wilby: isn’t that his coworker
Only Child: It’s always the ones closest that you have to suspesct
(6:05)
Kidnapped: Okay sorry I’m back. Dream had them.
BIGGEST MAN: how do I know it’s really you and not the kidnapper using your phone
Kidnapped: What
Tommy why is my name that
BIGGEST MAN: Tell me something only you Would know
Not Kidnapped: Do you remember the time when you were seven and there was
BIGGEST MAN: OKAY NEVER MIND SHUT UP
Not Kidnapped: And then you
BIGGEST MAN: I AM BGIOGN TO BLOCK OYU
Not Kidnapped: Oh, so you don’t want me to pick you up anymore?
BIGGEST MAN: I cant believe I offered you a TRUCE and you are abusing it like this
Not Kidnapped: Hey, you asked.
Anyway, I’m starting the car now. I’ll see you in like fifteen or twenty minutes
BIGGEST MAN: please speed
(6:13)
Only Child: okay nvm he’s fine. Dream might still b a kidnapper htough idk. OR a serial killer even
Wilby: i do not even remotely understand whats going on but okay
Only Child: Technoblade works somewhere, probably a serial killer place who Knows and he has a coworker called Dream and I think that is the dumbest name I’ve ever heard
Like who is called Dream. That is NOT a real name and I think it’s a cover to hide the fact that he’s wanted to for murder in Eight states
Technoblad eand him are probably friends because they both kill people
Only Child: look at this weird rock I just found
[image attached]
Only Child: god you’re really the worst wilbru
(6:21)
Tommy: dad
Dad
Father
PHILZA MINECRAFT
Tommy: did you abandon me again
Dadza: Nope, just eating. What’s up?
Tommy: there is nothing to do at this bus station and my piece of shit brother is not answering me
Dadza: Kind words, please. He is also eating. He says hello.
Tommy: tell him he is a bitch and too look at my rock
(6:25)
Wilby: cool rock
Only Child: fuck you
(6:28)
BIGGEST MAN: hey can we stop and get mcdonalds on the way home
Not Kidnapped: Sure
BIGGEST MAN: why are you texting and driving. Don’t you now that is Not Safe
Not Kidnapped: I’m not driving, actually.
BIGGEST MAN: …
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
WHY ARENT YOU RDRIVING I AM WITHERIGN AWAY ON THIS BENCH
Not Kidnapped: I had to stop and get gas
BIGGEST MAN: okay so youre almost here then???
Not Kidnapped: Nah I’m still at the gas station
BIGGEST MAN: what.
Not Kidnapped: One sec my hands are full. Will explain.
BIGGEST MAN: you better have a good explanation !!!
Not Kidnapped: Okay I’m back. I just had to help somebody with something and then I’ll be back to my car.
BIGGEST MAN: help WHO with WHAT
Who on Earth is more important than picking me up from the fuckign bus stop right the fuck now
Not Kidnapped: Well there was this old lady who needed help with her groceries
BIGGEST MAN: You have GOT to be kidding me.
So you help her put her bags in her car and then went back to your car?????
Not Kidnapped: Well…
She was also looking for her granddaughter.
BIGGEST MAN: So you look around for her granddaughter and then you went BACK TO YOUR CAR.
Not Kidnapped: The thing is, her granddaughter apparently also is tall and has long pink hair.
BIGGEST MAN: I am going to block you, Technoblade.
Not Kidnapped: But you need my help. We’ve been over this.
Hold on this name is annoying me.
Okay. So anyway I just kinda felt awkward because I mean she needed help and yeah she was callin’ me the wrong name and stuff but I thought, maybe the problem in the situation was ME. Maybe my name IS Rebecca and I just have gotten it wrong this whole time.
BIGGEST MAN: Wh yon earth would that be your thought process in this siutation.
Techno: Bro I dunno I just didn’t know how to correct her. Anyway we’re in the checkout line so I’ll be there soon after that
BIGGEST MAN: I can’t believe I used to look up to you
Techno: Sounds like a you problem.
(6:41)
Tommy: Philllll I want to go home so bad
Dadza: Isn’t Techno picking you up?
Tommy: yes but he is Taknig his Time
Dadza: Well he did have to leave work early for you. So you’ll have to be patient.
Tommy: You hate me. You and Wilbur both Hate Me and I hate Technoblade and this family is the worst family in the whole world
Dadza: Okay.
Have you had dinner yet? I can send you money to get something to eat while you wait.
Tommy: Techno is going to buy me McDonalds when he picks me up
Dadza: That’s nice of him.
Tommy: I don’t think so!
(6:44)
Techno: Okay I’m on my way again.
BIGGEST MAN: Hurry
Techno: You got it.
(6:46)
Techno: Never mind I’m driving past the library rn and they have a book sale. They’re closing in fifteen minutes so I’m just gonna stop real quick and look.
BIGGEST MAN: WHAT THE FUCK I AM FIVE MINUTES AWAY. PLEASE JUST COME HERE.
Worst Cousin Ever: It’ll be five minutes I promise. THere was this copy of The Odyssey that I really want
BIGGEST MAN: and im supposed to care about that Why?????
Worst Cousin Ever: I would throw you off a cliff before I missed out on an annotated copy of The Odyssey.
BIGGEST MAN: WHAT THE FUCK
get ouT OF THE LIBRAYRY AND PIPPKC ME UP FROM YHTES BUSY STSSOTP IRGHT NOWWWWW
Worst Cousin Ever: Have you ever heard the story of Theseus
BIGGEST MAN: have you ever heard the story of the kid who DIED in the FREEZING COLD because his BITCH ASS COUSIN WOULDNT PIKC HIM OUP
Worst Cousin Ever: I’m just sayin
Might be a good story for you to look into
Theseus: i donontt careeee
actually wait why is my name THeseus now
Theseus: techno
Techno come back
Theseus: techno blade what happens to Theseus
Worst Cousin Ever: Don’t worry about it.
(6:54)
Icicle Boy: sorry for calling you a bitch and threatening to disown you earlier. I actually like having you as a brother
Wilby: awwwww
i’m glad you’re my brother too.
are you okay though why are you apologizing to me. what happened
Icicle Boy: bus stops change a man
Wilby: concerning! thank you for sharing
(6:56)
Theseus: Technoblade I am so tired of being on this bench. I have no feeling in my legs. The sun is going down and I do not have a coat. I have been here for *four hours.* If you are not here as quickly as you possibly can be there are two things that are going to happen
Techno: What are they
Theseus: first I am going to cry. I really am. So loudly.
Techno: Please don’t.
Theseus: And then I am going to end our truce and I am going to continue to hate you for the rest of our lives.
Techno: Can I bring you McDonalds? Will that make up for it?
Theseus: ok
Techno: I can’t tell if that’s supposed to be an angry “ok” or a very sad, kind of pitiful “ok”
Theseus: i am never pitiful so you take a guess
Techno: Right. Sorry. I’ll be there in five.
(7:01)
Techno: Tommy. Tommy I’m so sorry.
Theseus: just tell me. Rip off the plaster I cant do this
Techno: The traffic. It’s so bad, Tommy.
Theseus: You can picture me just fucking sobbing right here on this bench
I am literally ogoing to die here, Techno
Techno: Does it make you feel any better to know that I think the guy next to me is trying to get me to street race as soon as the traffic clears up. He keeps revving his engine
Theseus: Why Would that make me Feel Better
Techno: Oh my god is that Skeppy
Theseus: TECHNO.
Techno: Dude I can’t do anything about this. I’m stuck.
Theseus: godddd htis is the Wrost Day i have literally EVER had. Did you know that, techno Blade
Techno: You’ve mentioned it.
Theseus: don t be patronizing to me
Techno: I’m still thinking about that copy of The Odyssey, honestly. It’s been a sad day for me too.
Theseus: YOU DIDNT EVEN GET IT?
Techno: No, dude. I was messing with you. I wasn’t gonna leave you out at the bus stop in the cold for something that dumb
Theseus: wait really
I feel like you’re messing with me
You said You’d kick me off a cliff.
Techno: Oh, absolutely. But nobody should be forced to sit at a bus stop after dark for this long
Theseus: wow…
You are gross and sappy
I acn’t believe you CARE ABOUT ME.
Techno: Let’s not go too far.
Theseus: hold on are you still outside the library
Techno: A couple blocks closer but yeah basically
Theseus: hold on. I will run and meet you
Techno: …That sounds like a bad idea.
Theseus: too late I’m already on the move.
Techno: Of course you are.
Okay I see you. Pulling over!
Theseus: oh my god you were right it IS Skeppy
(7:16)
Tommy: icicle boy is NO MORE
[image attached]
Dadza: I’m glad. Thanks Techno :)
Technoblade: No prob
Wilbur: awww man i wanna hang out with techno
Tommy: fuck you I’m replacing you actually. Techno is my brother now
Wilbur: :(
Technoblade: Am I allowed to say no to this
Tommy: No. Fuck you, Rebecca
Wilbur: what
Technoblade: …Long story.
Tommy: oh let me TELL YOU WILBUR. What An Evening I have had.
Outgoing call to: Family :D