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Johanna Constantine holds off sleep for as long as she can after Dream leaves.
It's not that she doesn't believe him, or that she thinks she's going to have that nightmare again, just that she doesn't know what's going to replace it.
It's been that nightmare for so long, she doesn't know what she'll dream about now.
No memories she has are as bad, but some come close. She doesn't feel old enough to have seen as much as she has – doesn’t feel old enough to have made as many mistakes as she has – yet feels too old for the idea of sleep to frighten her.
It still does.
And maybe there’s a part of her that’s scared of having a good dream for once. Because while she tries to push all thoughts of her previous days out of her mind while she’s awake, she thinks it’s only right that they haunt her while she’s asleep.
It feels like a just punishment, only fair for her failures; she doesn’t think that she deserves to sleep well.
So she stays awake for as long as she can, until she’s pushing on forty-eight hours with not a single minute of rest after hardly sleeping for years and her head is throbbing in such a way that she can’t move to keep herself awake or concentrate on the TV or stop letters from dancing across a page long enough to read them.
But that doesn’t stop her trying as she lies on the sofa that’s been her place of rest for so long now. The bed hasn't been touched in months, it seems to hold too many memories, so the sofa will do. It's held many a nap over her time in this flat.
She hasn’t slept for more than an hour in six months since… Rachel. And she hadn’t managed a whole night even then, always getting in late and lying in bed for hours, then dozing off at some time in the early hours of the morning and waking with a start a few hours later. Slipping from their bed to start breakfast if she could without waking Rach up, or just laying there in the deafening noise of her thoughts if their limbs were too tangled together.
Johanna always made sure they had breakfast together, with her working most nights. And she’d been careful to make all her favourites, on that last morning. While Rach had been at work, she’d packed a bag and stowed it by the door. And when they joined in the kiss that her girlfriend was blissfully unaware would be their last, the feeling of Rach’s smiling lips beneath her own had twisted the metaphorical knife further into her stomach at the thought of leaving but giving her all the more resolve. Rach was a good person; she didn’t deserve everything that Jo was doing to her.
There hadn’t been another choice – she had to leave.
Johanna feels a few tears slip out of her eyes that she didn’t realise had gathered as she remembers the form of her girlfriend on that bed. Not relaxed and sleepy or even with eyes blown wide from arousal as she had seen her so many times in the past – as she wanted to remember her.
But weak and suffering. All because she’d left the sand; and her.
She brings a hand to cover her eyes as more tears fall and, however reluctantly, she feels herself slipping into sleep. It ducks her under before she can make a move to stop it and the book in her hand plunges to join the clutter around her as she unconsciously clutches her rough blanket more tightly around herself.
It doesn’t take long before she is pulled from the darkness of her flat to the peaceful serenity of a far corner of the dreaming.
Jo blinks into soft light as she finds herself looking up into clear blue sky, spotted with fluffy clouds.
There’s a light breeze lifting her hair gently that’s making the trees a little way away rustle softly and she can see rolling mountains in the distance, snow-capped and heather strewn. Dancing to her side is a blanket of wildflowers, reds and blues and pinks and purples and yellows all waving at her through the breeze. She steps forwards through lush grass and pulls a few of her favourites, twisting the long stems together easily into a small bouquet.
Walking along the edge of the flowers towards the tree line, she pushes off her boots and lets them dangle by the laces from her fingers as she turns her face upwards, enjoying the tickle of the grass beneath her feet as the sun warms her face.
The trees are a mixture of silver birches and weeping willows, all slim silver boughs and pale green leaves dangling in strands like a string curtain that she trails her fingers through and pushes gently aside, admiring the way the light is made dappled on the floor by the constant movement.
Here, on the edge of the treeline, she finds a soft blanket with a few plush cushions and lays down on it, enjoying the sun and shade in equal measure as she listens to melodic tunes of nearby songbirds and sees two buzzards circling the currents way above her head.
She lets out a deep sigh and suddenly she's laying against a person not a cushion and there’s a hand running gently through her hair.
Snapping her neck around, she finds herself face to face with the soulful eyes and kind smile of Rachel. Of its own accord, Jo’s hand lifts but she doesn’t try to stop it as it caresses the soft skin of Rach’s cheek reverently, admiring the way the light dances in her eyes.
They stay like that for moment until she finds her eyes drawn to Rach’s lips and she can’t decide which she prefers to look at, her gaze flicking between lips and eyes until she finally leans forwards and presses their lips together.
Jo closes her eyes and leans their foreheads together, letting out a deep sigh that seems to take all the pressure she’s been carrying for years off her shoulders for a moment.
Freer that she has been in months, Jo feels the corners of her mouth lifting in a way that feels almost foreign to her as she pulls one of the miraculously still intact flowers from the bouquet and pushes it into Rach’s hair. She smiles at the contrast of the soft purple against the dark hair and pulls their mouths together for another kiss.
Some time later, she stands and offers Rach a hand up, then interlaces their fingers and swings their arms a little as she leads the way, instinctively knowing how to find a small creek nearby. She listens to the burble for a moment, then steps in, letting the cool water wash over her bare feet as she balances on the smooth stones just below the surface.
Glancing up, she sees Rachel staring at her and offers a shy smile which is returned as she reaches out to her. They walk up the stream a little way, hand in hand, stepping from rock to rock into the water and holding each other so they don't slip.
Wordlessly, Jo dips her hand in the cool liquid and flicks it at Rach with a small smile which blossoms into a grin when Rachel's light squeal then tinkling laughter fills the air around them.
Then water is being flicked back at her and it becomes a merry war until the heavens suddenly open and the still only lightly cloudy sky begins dumping rain down on them.
With only a second to react, Rach races out of the creek and into the field beyond, holding out her arms and running and dancing in carefree circles. Jo watches her for a moment, just soaking in the carefree joy on her face, then races after her as the rain beats down a steady rhythm on the top of her head, sticking her clothes to her skin and hair to her cheeks.
Eventually, she catches up to Rach and latches gently onto her arm, pulling her close as the rain continues to pour and kissing her deeply.
Then as soon as it started, the rain stops and the two are left laughing at the absurdity of it all as Jo feels the droplets run down her back and arms.
Still laughing, Jo pounces playfully on Rach and they end up rolling together in the damp grass and flowers until Jo is hovering just above Rachel, again watching how the sun catches in her eyes. She leans down, and their lips press together one more, this time more sweetly than ever, as her eyes flutter closed.
And when Joanne wakes, some twelve hours after she fell asleep, it's with no recollection of the dream beyond a feeling of complete contentment and happiness and the knowledge that she has nothing to fear from the dreaming anymore.