Archive of Our Own

sasuke laid awake.

he was still sore from his fight with itachi, his bruised ribs aching with every breath he took. sakura had done her best to patch him up but she couldn’t do anything about this.

at the moment, she was curled up on the left side of their bed, strands of her hair covering her face and blocking the moonlight from her eyes. sakura was a light sleeper and the earliest riser.

naruto had no such qualms.

his legs were thrown over sakura’s own and his arm lay haphazardly on sasuke’s chest. the weight probably wasn’t good for sasuke’s bruised ribs but he couldn’t bring himself to move the blond.

yet.

the bed was big, big enough for the three of them and most nights, naruto claimed the middle. occasionally, sakura beat him to it. sasuke always slept on one of the sides, in reach of the door.

it had taken all three of them to push the queen bed up four flights of stairs and even now, it took up most of the space in their shared bedroom. the other bedroom in their new off-campus apartment had been converted into a living area, complete with a gaming monitor and the rest of sakura’s wardrobe. it was a definite upgrade from their previous room in the freshman quad.

after video footage had shown itachi and kisame breaking into their dorm, naruto had leveraged the incident to strong-arm jiraiya into waiving their first-year, on-campus residence requirement. while sasuke understood the need for freshman to “build community through shared space,” it seemed like the most ridiculous rule in the world on the nights they had to shove their twin beds together so sakura could sleep over, only to end up elbowing each other all night.

to top it off, sasuke and naruto had no need for familiarity. they were faculty babies and had spent their childhoods running around campus, their parents and caretakers employees of konoha. the only one who was new to campus was sakura but she had sasuke and naruto and really who else did she need?

“a queen’s pretty big,” kakashi had said when they went shopping for furniture.

“yup,” sasuke had replied and then stared at the gray-haired professor until the latter fished his credit card out of his wallet in defeat.

kakashi clearly didn’t believe that he would be sleeping alone but sasuke did not feel bad about lying to him; as his legal guardian, kakashi was required by law to provide sasuke with emotional support and since he didn’t, sasuke would not feel guilty for bleeding his pockets dry.

plus, gai and him lived alone in a two-story historical house just ten blocks from campus. they were both tenured and well-off with no other children unless you counted gai’s nephew, rock lee, whom they had taken in when he was 15 and sasuke certainly didn’t.

sasuke also refused to publicly acknowledge that, on paper, he and rock lee were brothers.

so dramatic, he heard itachi tch in his head. he could picture the rueful but teasing smile his older brother would give him, the way he would lean on the doorframe as he heard sasuke complain about middle school and naruto, whom he had hated at the time.

“he’s so loud! and rude!” sasuke had grumbled, flicking a lighter in frustration.

itachi had said nothing, just smirked at him with a knowing smile that had made sasuke even angrier because he didn’t know what itachi could possibly know that he didn’t.

instead his brother reached out with an open palm and held it suspended until sasuke reluctantly placed it in his hand.

“why do you have a lighter?” itachi had asked, genuine curiosity in his voice.

“i burn stuff sometimes,” sasuke grumbled, afraid of getting in trouble but unable to lie to his older brother. for his part, itachi had just nodded and flicked the switch once, the flame lighting immediately.

“why do you burn stuff?”

“i get really angry sometimes,” sasuke had said, so openly and honestly like the foolish child he had been. he still remembered the way itachi had pulled a cigarette from his pant pocket and lit it, blowing the smoke out the house as he sat perched on sasuke’s windowsill.

i hope i look that cool one day, sasuke had thought, staring at his older brother while the latter looked silently out the window, into the black of the night.

when he finished, itachi had thrown the stub in the trash and looked straight at sasuke with a soft but tired expression on his face.

“naruto was just adopted by jiraiya so try to be nice to him. he was in the system for a long time before this because his parents died when he was a baby.”

“the system?” sasuke had said incredulously, back when he had known nothing about the world.

“the foster system,” itachi had clarified, scooping bits of ash off the windowsill and into the trash can. “it’s when kids are taken in by temporary families while they wait for adoption.”

“that sounds stupid,” sasuke had snarled, angry for reasons he didn’t understand and also at the fact that itachi had known something he hadn’t.

“it’s not stupid,” itachi had said patiently. “it’s hard. and complicated. you could try being a little nicer to him; he probably just wants to be friends.”

this particular sentiment had struck sasuke as ridiculous even if it was coming from itachi. why would naruto be so annoying and self-centered if he wanted to be friends? his older brother had clearly never had to deal with someone so stupid.

“you don’t even know him,” sasuke had scoffed.

“true enough,” itachi had smiled, standing up and making his way to the door. “why don’t you try asking him and then reporting back to me?”

a research project! sasuke could work with that. even now, he remembered how happy he had been that itachi trusted him to collect information. in a family of doctors and researchers, sasuke had always felt that he was unable to contribute and here was his chance.

he had nodded, firmly and solemnly, to show itachi that he was serious about this task and then watched as his brother made his way to the stairs,
turning at the last second to look at him.

“oh and sasuke? don’t buy any more lighters–instead when you’re angry, try asking yourself why and follow that train of thought.”

then itachi had beckoned him forwards like always, and like always, sasuke came forward only to be flicked backwards by a hit on his forehead.

it was only after he left that sasuke had realized he had never gotten the lighter back.

now, staring up at the ceiling, sasuke felt his hatred and rage swirl inside himself like a typhoon, unmoved by his fatigue, and chose to follow his older brother’s advice.

gently, he moved naruto’s arm off of his chest and his ribs sighed in obvious relief—the pain was still there but it was also easier to breathe. sitting up, sasuke slid his feet into his slippers and moved off the bed as slowly as possible so as to not wake up sakura. for his part, naruto rolled his legs off of her and settled into sasuke’s former spot, greedily soaking up the warmth he had left behind.

closing the door gently behind him, sasuke made his way to the kitchen and turned the electric kettle on, boiling enough water for a cup of coffee. as he pulled the coffee grounds and sugar from the cupboard, he tried once more to follow the well-worn path of his anger.

why was he mad?

because itachi had burnt their family alive.

what was the rational course of action?

killing itachi.

his brother’s advice failed him because there was no logic to follow; sasuke’s hatred was a flat circle—he couldn’t see a way out.

sipping his freshly made coffee, he made his way to the living room where the two front windows overlooked the brick buildings of campus. sasuke looked out at the street lamps lighting the sidewalks where late-night partiers were finally making their way home before friday classes tomorrow.

usually that would have been him & sakura & naruto, holding onto one another and drunkenly kissing as they stumbled their way up the stairs—a stark difference from their high school days where they would have to climb out of naruto’s window in the morning.

jiraiya had never minded their antics–he was the cool parent, playing good cop to kakashi’s silent judgment and the harunos’ strictness. it had been jiraiya who had sat sasuke and naruto down to make peace after a fist-fight their freshman year that left them both in the hospital.

“it’s cause he’s a grandpa”, sakura had laughed once when they were lounging at the park. it had been late afternoon and they had been studying for their junior year ap tests.

“a pervy one”, naruto had complained.

“pervy grandpa”, sasuke had finished, tying their thoughts together as he often did. they had both laughed at that and sasuke had almost smiled but his attention had been caught on the individual tiny hairs in sakura’s pink eyebrows.

sasuke had found her hair color ridiculous, even borderline offensive, from the moment he had first seen it in the first row of their freshman english class. sakura had been such a teacher’s pet, he couldn’t help but find her unbearably annoying, and his annoyance was only made worse by naruto’s running commentary throughout their soccer practices.

“isn’t sakura so pretty? and smart too! she’s tutoring me in reading but all i can do is stare at her eyes…they’re so big and green–and her hair!…” and on and on until sasuke would lose his patience and slide tackle naruto so he could fall on his face and shut up.

but the truth was that naruto was right, something sasuke realized after being paired with sakura together for a group project—not that he would have ever told her. his truce with naruto had been too fresh to ruin over a girl, especially when he spent all his remaining free time thinking about the muscles in naruto’s calves.

with tired eyes, sasuke felt the caffeine in his system begin to wake the rest of his body but it still wasn’t enough to settle him. instead he rose up and made his way over behind the bookshelf, where a pack of cigarettes was wedged behind one of naruto’s psychology textbooks. sakura had done her best to break his nicotine habit with images of damaged lungs and statistics on throat cancer but sasuke was a pre-med student too.

(there had been a time, early on in his relationship with sakura & naruto, where the urge to destroy himself had gone away, where sasuke had been so happy nothing else had mattered.)

the rage endured. it was who he was—and he didn’t know how to make sakura understand that smoking was nothing compared to the other ways he could destroy himself.

wedging the pack out, sasuke’s vision caught on a black business card that also lay wedged in between the space between the textbook and the bookcase. the golden words gleamed in the moonlight with the owner’s name bolded against the stark black of the paper—orochimaru.

almost against his will, sasuke pulled the card out alongside a cigarette, grabbing a nearby lighter and letting the flame flicker to life. his fingers twitched with an old desire and he fought his morbid curiosity.

light it on fire, his mind supplied, and sasuke knew that’s what he should have done the moment it had been pressed into his hand, two months ago.

he had been reading in the backyard of his old home, the only place hidden from kakashi’s spies and ever-watching eyes, when he had felt the weight of someone’s stare on him.

looking up, he had seen a person standing by the gate wearing a smile that could only be described as saccharine to the point of venomous. their hair had been long and black and they had crossed the backyard with long, urgent gaits that left sasuke breathless with fear.

“who are you and what are you doing here?” he had yelled, ungracefully stumbling out of the hammock he had been in.

“i could ask you the same thing,” said the stranger, stopping exactly a foot before sasuke. “didn’t your family die in this house?”

snarling, sasuke had said, “the house is mine and you’re not allowed to be here.”

the stranger had only continued smiling. “ah, so you are just as stubborn as your brother.”

at this, sasuke had lost his patience and launched himself at the stranger but they had only backed away from his grasp.

“touchy subject, i see,” they laughed, watching as sasuke reoriented himself but before he could attack again, the stranger lifted up their hand.

“i’m not here to hurt you,” they said. “i’m here to offer my help.”

“what could you possibly offer me?”

“i know where your brother is.” they dragged the last letter of the sentence in a mocking tone but sasuke could tell from their eyes that they were serious.

in false bravado, he said “why would i care about that?”

“don’t tell me it doesn’t haunt you, a tiny maniac like you.” here, the stranger’s face had grown somber. “or have you let those two lull you into a sense of false security?”

“excuse me?” sasuke had sputtered. it had been too much information to keep track of—the possibility of knowing where his brother was, the implication that they were alike even now, the casualty in which this person mentioned intimate details of sasuke’s life.

“you’re a fool if you think they understand you,” the stranger had all but hissed. “they’re children—naive and ridiculous, but you? you have a responsibility to maintain.”

“get out of my backyard,” sasuke had said back, his jaw clenching with fury. he had thought of calling kakashi or gai but he was afraid of what this person would do if he reached for his phone.

“fine,” the stranger had sniffed, “but, here, just in case your curiosity wins.” they had pulled a card out of the air, the thin paper appearing between their fingers as they offered it to sasuke.

never taking his eyes off the stranger, sasuke took the card as they instructed him on where to call from; a telephone booth an hour away from the city in a forgotten town. he could take the train, the stranger noted, and then turned around to leave.

sasuke’s eyes had followed them all the way until they reached the gate, where the stranger had turned around once more, a sickly smile back on their face.

“you know, he did mention you once,” the stranger paused briefly as if to enjoy the sound of sasuke’s racing heartbeat thudding in his chest. “he said you were intelligent but ultimately, disappointing.”

sasuke had said nothing in response but the knot of rage he had kept deep inside him began to unfurl.

the stranger’s eyes became teasing. “can’t learn everything in a classroom, i suppose,” and then they had gone as easily as they had appeared.

cracking open a front window, sasuke sat on the windowsill and blew a cloud of smoke out of his nostrils and into the nighttime air. his fingers played restlessly with the lighter and he felt the pit of his stomach churn with the same hatred it had on that afternoon.

later, he would learn that the stranger was orochimaru, an ex-faculty member of konoha wanted for illegal human & genetic experimentation. they were also the suspected murderer of president hiruzen sarutobi, who had died that same weekend, and a former member of the terrorist organization his brother was affiliated with—the akatsuki.

he had never told kakashi about the meeting nor sakura and naruto but now, the card glinted up at sasuke underneath the flicker of the lighter’s flame. with every puff of his cigarette, he could feel his ribs contract and ache, a throbbing, aching bruise.

“you don’t have enough hatred,” itachi had said and even now, sasuke could picture his wretched face, so like his own. he closed his eyes and threw his head back, wondering if his own rage was so clearly painted on his face. “and you know what? you never will.”

sasuke wanted this pain to stop.

he wanted itachi dead.

flipping the card between his fingers, sasuke thought of sakura and naruto, sleeping peacefully just a room away. it would be so easy to stay, to let himself forget but ever since orochimaru had called them naive, sasuke couldn’t help but feel lonely in his despair.

the thought had dug its way into his psyche and now, it tainted their every interaction. naruto thought him irritable because of his run-in with itachi but sometimes, when sakura looked at him, he could almost swear—

“sasuke?” a voice said from behind him.

turning, he was met by the image of sakura standing in the living room doorway in a billowing minecraft t-shirt that used to be their boyfriend’s. she shifted from one leg to another as she stood with her arms crossed, a single eye open as she fought off sleep.

“why are you awake?”

“i couldn’t sleep,” sasuke responded truthfully, but sakura just squinted her one good eye in suspicion, spotting the lit cigarette in his hand.

“you shouldn’t be smoki—what’s that?”

too late, sasuke hid orochimaru’s calling card behind his leg. he had been distracted by the convenient placement of his wallet on their dining room table, his mind already miles away in a telephone booth in a town without a name. his wallet, his keys, a jacket; all that stood between him and the peace he needed.

“sasuke, what’s that?” sakura asked again, now fully awake and moving closer.

he took a step back. “it’s nothing, sakura, go back to bed. i’ll be there in a moment.”

she didn’t move any closer—just stopped and stared at him with hard eyes. in the moonlight, they looked almost as black as his own and sasuke was flooded with the guilt that came with hurting her. with naruto, every fight felt like the first but with sakura, it always felt like the same fight.

“it’s nothing,” he lied but softer, a half-hearted attempt he knew she would see through.

“don’t fucking lie to me,” she growled but her voice was already wet with incoming tears.

in defeat, sasuke put his cigarette out on the windowsill and pressed his lips into a thin line.

“orochimaru knows where my brother is.”

he watched as a flurry of emotions contorted sakura’s face: shock, fury, grief, sadness, and finally, desperation.

“i’ll scream,” she said. “naruto will wake up and you can’t fight off both of us.”

itachi dead. what a wondrous world that would be.

as he stared at the tears rapidly accumulating in sakura’s eyes, sasuke thought of what it had felt like to first kiss naruto in the soccer locker room, so hungry he could have died right there if it meant he could take the memory of naruto’s fingers digging into his waist with him. or the time he had cooked all of sakura’s meals during her first set of entrance exams, the way her green eyes had filled with soft affection; the feeling of the winter wind lashing them all in the face as they raced back home after a concert, giddy and breathless, all because naruto had wanted churros and the trains didn’t run that late.

“i’m sorry,” sasuke said and he meant it. “thank you for everything.”

as sakura opened her mouth to scream, he wrapped a hand around her mouth and an arm around her throat, trapping her in a headlock. sasuke knew she wouldn’t be out for long but he didn’t need long—just enough time to make it to the bus station. as she struggled against his grip, the cruel irony of the moment struck him, reminding sasuke of all those years ago when his brother had held him down and choked him on the hardwood floors until he had run out of breath. his neck had worn finger-shaped bruises for weeks.

but this was different—sakura wouldn’t have to stare at the face of someone she loved as their home burned around them. and she and naruto would know, despite everything, that sasuke was doing this for a reason.

after placing his girlfriend’s limp body on the couch, sasuke grabbed his wallet, slipping it into his pocket. he tip-toed quietly past the bedroom where naruto presumably still slept, blissfully unaware of the happenings in his home. sasuke didn’t stop to spare one last glance at his boyfriend.

something about naruto demanded in a way sasuke knew would cause him to falter and doubt himself. he couldn’t risk it. instead, he slipped his jacket on and grabbed his keys, stepping out into the night with his bruised ribs still aching with every breath.