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Akutagawa had never been good at expressing himself. It's not that he didn't feel anything (though his reputation would suggest otherwise), more that he just didn't know how to do so. And meeting Dazai only made it worse.
Despite the knowledge that Dazai had saved him from inevitable death and that he had given him somewhere to belong, Akutagawa couldn't help but feel as though his heart had been torn from his body the second Dazai had turned his gaze on him. He had taken him in, but had abandoned his heart. He had trained him to be a killer, not a good man. And whilst Akutagawa was indebted to Dazai, he couldn't ignore the gaping hole where his heart should be. Hours upon hours being tortured into getting his ability to be useful had forced the feeble ideas Akutagawa had about love from his soul.
Or maybe the ideas hadn't left, they'd just morphed into something else. Something evil, twisted and wholefully wrong . But Akutagawa couldn't grasp what love was. All he'd ever known was hardship. Was that love? He doubted it.
~~~~~~
Akutagawa had never quite understood what it meant to be loved. The only feelings he could actively recognise were 'stab' and 'kill', and most people usually ran whenever those two came up in conversation.
So when Higuchi continued to stay, Akutagawa didn't know what to do. Was she there because she was ordered to? Or was she there because she wanted to be? Either way, Akutagawa would rather be left alone. But that didn't deter her.
"Akutagawa-senpai! Are you hurt? I want to help you, let me help you bandage that cut-" Higuchi rambled on, but Akutagawa didn't understand a word of it. All it translated to in his mind was chatter chatter chatter . Could she just shut up and leave him be? He was fine; he could handle this himself. He didn't need her to be fretting.
"Go away, Higuchi. I do not care for your presence right now," he stated coldly.
A few moments of silence passed before Akutagawa heard what he thought was sniffling. Was she…. crying? Shit. What was he supposed to do now? Akutagawa may not be good at handling emotions but he was fairly certain that tears were not a good thing.
Glancing at the blonde girl's face, he saw tears well up in her eyes before she quickly brushed them away, muttering a small, "I'm sorry, Akutagawa-senpai. Of course," before she quickly scurried out of the room.
A contrasting wave of feelings struck Akutagawa. His brain told him to ignore it and that she would get over it. But some part of him stung, an ache that seemed familiar and yet so foreign. He shouldn't have snapped at her. He knew that. So why did he?
Sighing in irritation, Akutagawa got up to clean the cut on his arm. He didn't have time to be worrying over some dumb tears anyway.
~~~~~~
The mission had been a difficult one, but having the strongest ability user on your side was definitely an advantage.
Akutagawa had been skeptical when Mori had informed him that he would be joined by Chuuya on this mission, considering he prefered to work alone. But he had relented when Mori offered no explanation and Chuuya had dragged him out of Mori's office. He didn't particularly have a choice, did he?
But seeing the littered bodies of those idiotic scammers who thought they could get away with tricking the Port Mafia all piled up behind Chuuya, Akutagawa couldn't help but admit that he was in awe of the executive. He knew that Chuuya was powerful, but seeing him in action was breathtaking.
"Oi, you paying attention?" Akutagawa was suddenly forced out of his head when he heard Chuuya calling out to him. Inwardly cursing himself for being rude, Akutagawa bluntly replied, "yes," before turning his attention back to the enemies on his side of the warehouse.
With strategic precision that he had honed to perfection, Akutagawa took down every last enemy with ease. Chuuya watched, the ghost of a proud smile lingering on his face. Why had Dazai ever pushed him so far? Akutagawa was talented, and yet, he thought he wasn't good enough. Chuuya scoffed before walking over to join the younger male.
"Good job," he spoke, bringing a hand up to ruffle Akutagawa's hair, only to be met with a look of utter confusion.
"What are you doing, Chuuya-san?" Akutagawa asked quizzically.
"Think of it as my way of showing that I'm proud of you," Chuuya replied, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
Akutagawa froze in shock. He'd…. done a good job? Chuuya was proud of him? He didn't believe it. He'd only taken down some enemies, what was there to be proud about?
More importantly, why had Chuuya 'ruffled' his hair? What did that even mean? A form of affection? Akutagawa wasn't sure. The feeling was unnatural to him, but somewhere deep inside of him, he recognised the familiar warmth and the calming sensation of being appreciated. Was this what love was?
~~~~~~
Despite his obvious struggle with affection, Akutagawa felt very deeply for his sister. He wanted to protect her, even though he was fully aware she could protect herself. She deserved the world, and it pained him that he couldn't give it to her. But that didn't stop him from trying.
On her birthday, Akutagawa woke up extra early (though is it waking up early if you never went to sleep) to attempt to bake her a cake. He had heard Kouyou talk of cakes with Kyouka and he wanted to make one for Gin. The key word being attempt.
Since Akutagawa had never stepped foot in a kitchen before, the cake ended up looking more like a lumpy rock that was definitely not safe to eat. Feeling disappointed in himself, Akutagawa sat down in a chair with a cup of tea, to wallow in his self-pity.
Until he heard light footsteps. Scrambling up, Akutagawa turned to see Gin enter the, very messy, kitchen. He watched as confusion flicked across her face before her eyes landed on the cake on the table. He watched as the confusion changed to realisation before Gin's face melted into the softest smile Akutagawa had ever seen grace her features. Was she happy with him?
Akutagawa received his answer when he felt arms wrap around his shoulders and warm breath tickling his neck. Gin was hugging him . Startled, Akutagawa fought every urge to push her away from him. After the initial shock had passed, Akutagawa leant into the hug, wrapping his arms hesitantly around his sister. Was he even doing this right?
"Thank you for the cake," Gin whispered.
A warm feeling ignited in the gaping hole in Akutagawa's chest. He didn't know what it was, but he had an inkling of nostalgia about this. He was fairly certain that he had been hugged like this before. A warm, affectionate and loving hug that expressed all the words that couldn't be spoken. This realisation only made the spark in Akutagawa's heart grow until he had a small candle lighting his heart with the feeling of warmth for the first time in years.
~~~~~~
It was a lazy Saturday that Akutagawa had spent in his bed until he was forcefully dragged out of his house and on a walk with Atsushi. Not that he really minded; Atsushi was a calming presence (though he would never admit that).
On this particular day, Akutagawa was struggling to keep his thoughts in order. No matter how hard he tried, the nagging belief that he was never good enough for Dazai kept tugging his mind deeper into the well of self-deprecation that he had formed over the years.
But none of that seemed to matter when he was with Atsushi. The weretiger seemed to pull his mind out of the bottomless pit and to a manageable depth that allowed him to float in the water, instead of drowning in it. With one simple smile, Akutagawa found the strength to swim again.
"Hey, Aku? Are you okay? You're kinda zoning out," Atsushi's soft voice pulled Akutagawa out of his thoughts.
Tensing his shoulders, Akutagawa stiffly replied, "I am fine, Jinko. Continue with your story."
Atsushi frowned. He was aware that Akutagawa was thinking of something , but he also knew that it was pointless to try to force it out of him. Instead, Atsushi reached a hand out to gently hold Akutagawa's hand.
Warmth seeped into Akutagawa's cold fingertips as he glanced down at their now inter-joined hands. Confused, Akutagawa asked, "what is this?"
"Affection," Atsushi replied simply, a soft smile blessing his features.
Akutagawa's face remained passive as he stated, "disgusting." Only for a small, but noticeable smile to tug at the corners of his lips before adding, "keep doing it."
~~~~~~
Akutagawa had never been good at expressing himself. But that didn't mean that he didn't have emotions. He may never grasp what love is, but he'd learnt that it's okay to not understand what it is. Because, for the first time ever, Akutagawa finally felt a warm acceptance instead of a gaping hole where his heart should be. And for this, Akutagawa could ignore whatever soul-crushing thought of inferiority his mind threw at him.