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His old gang called him “Shep”.
He remembered them still. Though he couldn’t quite remember the exact shade of Stella’s eyes or the way Lee would slouch in his chair or which side of Dwayne’s mouth would curve up first when he smiled.
They were long gone, along with the days when he used to be some scrawny little shit who ran around with his gang, trying to change the world but mostly caused trouble.
Only one person called him “Shep” these days. Only person who dared, really. But Kasumi was always testing boundaries, always trying to poke and prod at a tightly locked door to see if she could get in.
She never did manage to break this particular lock, but he didn’t stop her from calling him by that old name either. Even if it did conjure up some old ghosts. It was a shock, the first time she called him that. He spent ages staring at nothing, that day on the Citadel, long after Kasumi had snuck onto the Normandy. Garrus and Tali kept exchanging worried looks behind his back, thinking he didn’t notice.
Just before Akuze, Walters, the new recruit, had tried to call him “Shep.” The stare that he gave the kid was enough to have him stumble backwards and tripping over his own words as he apologized. Toombs had laughed then, patted the kid on the back.
“And that’s why you call him Shepard, shithead,” he said, before winking at Shepard.
That was before things went to hell, before Toombs spent years in Cerberus labs being tortured and experimented on. When both of them still felt human.
But he was other things now, too. “Shepard” and “Admiral” and “Admiral Shepard”. He wasn’t comfortable with his new title, probably would never get used to it. Still turned around whenever someone said “Commander”.
To him, “Admiral” would always mean Hackett, who was still serving but seemed to be eyeing retirement now. Or even Anderson, whose grave he visited whenever he had time to himself, whenever Kaidan was off on a mission somewhere.
“Admiral Shepard” made him wince, every time. It wasn’t as obvious now and he remembered one very shrewd reporter who reminded him too much of Emily Wong actually asked him why he seemed to flinch when addressed with that title. He might not like the Council very much but was thankful that the Asari Councilor decided to intervene by deeming the question, “unnecessary.”
The interview was cut short but it was discussed by many news channels for months. He had to make himself scarce, went off on a month-long mission in order for it to die down a little. Kaidan hadn’t been happy and his friends had teased him for running off.
Still, he knew for a fact that there were others who weren’t comfortable with their own titles and after all that teasing, Tali confessed that she still felt strange being addressed as “Admiral”. And while Garrus was only mildly uncomfortable with his new position as General, he was terrified of the Primarch position hanging over his head. He shot up the line of succession—a first in turian history—to first in line and Victus had been hinting at retirement these days. And so even though he still wasn’t comfortable with the title, knowing that his two friends were on the same boat helped a little. And if Garrus tried to tease him about it, all he had to do was say “Primarch Vakarian”. It worked like magic, really.
But then, there was another name that he had to get used to.
“John”.
It wasn’t a name that people used. Lee tried to call him that once, a lifetime ago, but that ended in laughter.
“Doesn’t suit you,” he declared, in front of their laughing friends.
But it seemed to suit him now. He had a feeling that this was probably because of the person who called him by that name.
He liked the different ways that the name sounded. The way it did whenever Kaidan was amused, for example, or at night, in their bed, when it was whispered or sighed into his ear. Hereally liked it.
Many emotions touched that name, mostly positive ones. Sadness touched it, years ago, when the whole world was still in rubbles. But never anger. No, Kaidan tended to revert to “Shepard” whenever he got angry.
“John” was something safe, something loved.
“John” was a miracle that survived the almost-end of the world.
“Shepard” was whispered at the end of a nightmare, ones that usually left Kaidan shaking and reaching for him. “John” was whispered in quiet relief, when reality finally sunk in and Kaidan saw the present and not a different path, a different future.
Shepard was the legend. Shepard would be the one that lived on, the one that would go down in history books, no matter how much he tried to prevent that from happening.
Shepard that would become “The Shepard” which really evolved from, “You’re Shepard? THE Shepard?” Although, it was possible “The Shepard” came to be because after all the procreating that happened after the war, a whole lot of babies were born with the name “Shepard”.
He once asked why it was that they chose his surname and not his given name. Liara replied that “Shepard” was now a title for the people, like “hero” or “champion”. Garrus interrupted to say that “Shepard” wasn’t that popular on Palaven, with the people preferring “Commander” or, inexplicably, “Have-to-go”. He was sure that Garrus was just joking. At least, he hoped the “Have-to-go” part was a joke but he couldn’t really tell with the galaxy these days. There are some interesting names out there, mostly because of the war. People naming their kids after people who saved them or people that they lost.
Everyone had answered his question about why his surname except for Kaidan. He asked Kaidan, one day. He only said, “I’m glad that they didn’t decide on ‘John’ instead of ‘Shepard’.”
When he asked Kaidan why, Kaidan replied, “I’d like to think that you’re the only ‘John’ in the world.”
He laughed and pointed out that there were a lot of people called “John”. Though he had to relent and add that the name wasn’t as popular now as it had been in the past.
Kaidan had laughed quietly and said, “I just meant that you’re the only John I know. And I’d like to keep it that way.”
“If it makes you feel any better,” he said, moving close, “I’m the only John in the universe who’s all yours.” And he had to groan because, seriously? That was his worst line yet. But Kaidan’s laughed even louder and pulled him close.
So, maybe he was “Admiral Shepard” to many people, “The Shepard” to scholars, “Shepard” to his friends, but he was “John” to only one person in the galaxy. And he kind of liked it that way.